In the grim snarkness of the far future, there is only gallows humour.
Ok, so 1,001 jokes is an aspiration, not a fact quite yet.
Spinning off from amusing but OT discussion in this thread, I'm starting a thread about jokes the Sisters of Battle would tell. I'll get it started in here with some, err, well, they're mostly "how many X does it take to change a lightbulb?" and "what do you call an X that does Y" jokes 'cause those are easy. Better jokes from other people are more than welcome.
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT: This thread is for jokes told BY Sisters of Battle, from an in-universe perspective. This thread is NOT for jokes ABOUT the Sisters, unless they're ones the Sisters would tell about themselves. You want to make jokes about Sisters, please start another thread, especially since those jokes tend to get misogynistic and/or squicky fething fast.
I welcome all feedback, particularly telling me which ones are actually funny and which ones are just lame (suggestions for de-lameification would be very welcome too). Also, these are much funnier if you imagine Sister Koriander as a perky, relentless cheerful redhead and Sister Raven as dark-haired and deadpan to the point of flat affect.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call a male Schola Progenium graduate who's too dumb for the Arbites, too cowardly for the Administratum, too mean for the clergy, and too emotionally dead for the Stormtroopers? SISTER RAVEN: "Commissar."
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call a Commissar who's out in front of his men, advancing towards the enemy? SISTER RAVEN: Lost.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Commissars does it take to change a light bulb? RAVEN: Commissars don't change lightbulbs, they just shoot out the burnt-out ones as a warning to the others to stay lit.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Arbites does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: Arbites don't change burnt-out lightbulbs, they just bash them with mauls until they light up again.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Tech-priests does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: I don't know, let me read this sacred manual aloud in a droning chant for ten hours and I'll get back to you.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Imperial Guard does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: A thousand. 100 for the Commissars to shoot as a warning to the others, 200 to fill out paperwork, 300 to drag sledges full of extra lightbulbs, and 400 to fling lightbulbs wildly in every direction until one actually gets in the socket. PASSING GUARDSMAN: It's funny because it's true.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Navy officers does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: Down on the surface of the planet? Are you crazy? They'll stay safely in orbit, thank you very much. IMPERIAL NAVY FORWARD OBSERVER: I'm right here, you know.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many psykers does it take to change a lightbulb? PASSING PSYKER: I knew you would say that. SISTER RAVEN: Okay, that seriously creeped me out.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Inquisitors does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: You don't need to know that.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many heretics does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: If you've got a heretic, why do you need another light source?
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Mutants does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: If I have a clear line of sight to the light fixture and a full magazine of 20 bolts? 21.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Astartes does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: A million and one. One changes the bulb while another 500,000 defend him from the 500,000 who've turned traitor. PASSING MARINE SERGEANT: Why I oughta -- making jokes about the Horus Heresy? SISTER KORIANDER: What, too soon? MARINE SCOUT: Hey, who's that behind you? Oh, I didn't recognize you covered in the blood of billions like that, High Lord Goge Vandire. SISTER KORIANDER: Why I oughta... MARINES (all together): What, too soon? SISTER RAVEN: Okay, in all fairness, they win that one..
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Dominions does it take to fearlessly scout ahead into enemy territory and change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: Just one, but then it takes the whole Order to come in after her and bail her ass out of trouble.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Seraphim does it take to jump down and change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: I lost count, because they keep jumping away again any time it starts to look hard.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Novices does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: Who'd be dumb enough trust a Novice with a task that complicated?
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Celestians does it take to change a lightbulb? SISTER RAVEN: Celestians have more important things to do than change lightbulbs -- they'd tell a Novice to do it.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call Frateris Militia who're advancing fearlessly ahead of you towards the enemy? SISTER RAVEN: Ablative martyrs.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call Frateris Militia who're running screaming from the enemy? SISTER RAVEN: Typical.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call Frateris Militia who're trying to spy on you changing out of your armour? SISTER RAVEN: Bloody typical.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call Frateris Militia who talk about how Sisters are sexually frustrated nymphos who engage in constant lesbian BDSM orgies? SISTER RAVEN: Unfortunate victims of a tragic friendly fire incident.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! A Battle Sister, a Guardsman, and a Marine walk into a bar... SISTER RAVEN: The Sister executes the other two for heretical immorality and then burns down the bar. SISTER KORIANDER: Oh. Yeah. Right. That's true.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Commissars does it take to change a light bulb?
RAVEN: Commissars don't change lightbulbs, they just shoot out the burnt-out ones as a warning to the others to stay lit.
SISTER RAVEN: A thousand. 100 for the Commissars to shoot as a warning to the others, 200 to fill out paperwork, 300 to drag sledges full of extra lightbulbs, and 400 to fling lightbulbs wildly in every direction until one actually gets in the socket.
PASSING GUARDSMAN: It's funny because it's true.
Though I don't think the Sisters would resort to "lightbulbs" jokes in-universe, some of those still emit a kind of humour I'd deem suitable. Overall, a great thread, and some of those really had me chuckle. Have an exalt.
Sister 1: how do you tell when it's "that time of the month" for a Grey Knight?
Sister 2: he starts coating himself in our blood to deny his affliction
Adapted from a line told by a Sisters-like character in my DH campaign:
"I am not a priest accepting alms, or a preacher in a pulpit. I am a soldier in His army of the faithful. They want to see His light? I've got a plasma pistol with their name on it."
Got to have more marine jokes, that one was hilarious.
Koriander: Hey, How many Blood Ravens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Raven: 3: 1 to screw it in, 1 to catalog the information, and the last 1 to kill the first two to keep the secret.
Except the "sororitas" word itself. Which is Latin. For "Sisterhood". Which is what the Adeptus Sororitas is.
"Astartes" just means "stars"... from the Crowleian "Ordo Templi Astartes"... either that or it's a reference to the Assyrian goddess Astarte, who was adopted from the Sumerian goddess Inanna, or the Babylonian goddess Ishtar, all of whom were goddesses of war, sex and fertility.
Sister one: "I'm starving and we've missed three holy feasts."
Sister two: "I'm sure you can ask the Tyranids to let the supply convoys through."
Sister one: "Hmm..."
*Pops out and shouts "Hey gak for brains, feth off I'm hungry!"
*ClickclickSCRREEEE splortch sptang!*
Sister one: "That was dumb...hey, you're the squad Heavy Flamer right?"
*Sister two hefts her flamer and quirks an eyebrow*
Sister one: "I have a plan..."
*Five minutes later*
*Sister one comes back with a missile launcher from a dead marine and fires a frag missile into a mass of hormagaunts, prompting them to charge, backed by some warriors.*
*Sister two pops out and maniacally shouts various profanities and commands to burn.*
*Sister one gets out the bread and lettuce rations and a power maul.*
*One year later.*
Sister one: "And that's how the Order of Cold purity both saved Muscovy Hive and started the Nidwhopper."
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Slaaneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Two. But don't ask me how they got in there.
Sister Koriander: Sister Raven, why is the convent in mourning attire?
Sister Raven: Oh, it is terrible! The Order Mascot, Mister Fluffy, ran away this morning! This is a terrible sign on the dawn of a battle!
Sister Koriander: Well, you know what that makes him?
Sister Raven: What?
Sister Koriander: Smarter than us!
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Grey Knights does it take to change a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Just one ... plus the blood of 5 Sisters just to be on the safe side.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call guardsmen who were exposed to the warp and mutated horribly?
SISTER RAVEN: Ex men.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you keep Iron Hands in?
SISTER RAVEN: Metal Boxes!
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! Who's the Ultramarines Greatest Foe?
SISTER RAVEN: Librarian Gargamael of the Thousand Sons.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How do you know a drop pod exploded during reentry?
SISTER RAVEN: It's raining men.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many heretics does it take to light up a whole city?
SISTER RAVEN: Fetch my flamer and we'll find out!
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What did you call that pug puppy on a little chain the Celestine gave you?
SISTER RAVEN: Emergency Ration.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call an incompetent Ultramarine who gets sisters killed all the time?
SISTER RAVEN: Brother Sargent Ward.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! The waiting room in the medicae tent is getting full, we need to do something about it.
SISTER RAVEN: Ok, hand me that frag grenade.
Sister Gloria of the Order of Iris: Why am I here? There's no point in me being here, everyone is already dead!.
Two newly inducted battle sisters are standing shoulder to shoulder, in their power armor for the first time. One looks at the other and says "You know, a man had to have designed these things. I mean, seriously, look at size of the boobs on it." The other responds: 'I know, mine are being squished flat too."
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! Who's the Ultramarines Greatest Foe?
SISTER RAVEN: Librarian Gargamael of the Thousand Sons.
Ha!Took me a second there, but then it hit like a laughhammer.
Two newly inducted battle sisters are standing shoulder to shoulder, in their power armor for the first time. One looks at the other and says "You know, a man had to have designed these things. I mean, seriously, look at size of the boobs on it." The other responds: 'I know, mine are being squished flat too."
Heh. I strongly suspect (headcanon) that the actual Sister's bosoms are strapped down nice and tight and safe under multiple layers of armor -- Joan of Arc didn't need boobplates, after all, she just wore men's armor -- and the "breasts" on the armor are purely decorative, like the rippling muscles on a Roman general's parade armor.
In fact, I think the reality is this:
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: Hello, Sister. Ummmm...
BATTLE SISTER: Yes?
GUARDSMAN: [nervously shuffles feet]
SISTER SUPERIOR: Her eyes are up here, son.
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: [turns very red]
SISTER SUPERIOR: You do realize her actual boobs are not that big, right?
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: [gagging sounds]
SISTER SUPERIOR: Here, let me show you.
BATTLE SISTER: Ma'am, please don't.
[The SUPERIOR grabs the BATTLE SISTER's armor by the LEFT BREAST and TWISTS.]
BATTLE SISTER: Oh well.
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: Oh. My. God.
[The armor "breast" pops off, revealing.... perfectly flat armor plate underneath]
IMPERIAL GUARDSMAN: Oh.
SISTER SUPERIOR: They're fething HOLLOW.
Luke_Prowler wrote: SISTER KORIANDER: What do you call an ork who's on fire? SISTER RAVEN: A flaming fun guy
Owwwww. Just got this terrible, terrible pun on second reading. God that's beautifully awful.
Thank you folks, I'll be here all week
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What's blue and black and warm to the touch? SISTER RAVEN: A Tau killed with a flamer SISTER KORIANDER: So what killed the other Tau? SISTER RAVEN: Supporting fire
(Two Sisters of Battle are observing the PDF of the Shrine World they are stationed on going through maneuvers)
Sister Koriander: Hey, they aren't half-bad!
Sister Raven: You're right... they're ALL bad!
******
(Two Sisters of Battle are in battle with some Xeno foe, holding the line and delivering the Emperor's justice to the aliens when the IG Commander the next trench over gets a crazy idea and leads his men in a glorious, though futile, charge that gets him and all his men killed.)
Sister Koriander: Well, that was different...
Sister Raven: Yep. Lousy...
Both: ... but different!
********
(Choir practice, something all young Novitiates are required to be involved in)
Novitiate Koriander: Can you sing tenor?
Novitiate Raven: What?
Novitiate Koriander: You know, tenor! As in, 'can you sing ten or eleven miles away from here!'
In the middle of a massive battle, two sisters approach a squad of space marines hunkered behind a flakboard wall in the blown out remains of a hab. The marines tell the sisters to 'go back to the kitchen'. To their surprise, the sisters laugh and do so.
After the battle, the single surviving Marine sees the sisters waving to him from the remains of the kitchen. To his astonishment, they'd made a small bunker of steel refrigeration units and granite counter tops.
Several sisters are at choir practice, but the organist keeps throwing everyone off. At last the sisters stop and ask the organist what's bothering her.
"It's nothing" she sighed "I keep forgetting and trying to shift gears while I play."
A dark eldar homunculus reports to his cabal: "I regret to inform the cabal that I cannot extract any pain from the captured battle sister. She simply keeps laughing at my efforts and telling me how she survived a Matt Ward codex..."
A battle sister arrives at her first war zone. She find her new squad looking haggard, smoking lho sticks, gambling, and drinking when not in chapel or on the front lines. Unable to grasp what could possibly have happened, she corners the sister superior in a bar one night.
"What on Terra is wrong with all of you?" she demanded.
"Well, you know what they tell us about space marines are the greatest of the Emperor's servants and the primarchs were among his greatest creations and how regular people like us are down the list a ways?"
"Yes"
"Ever met a space marine?"
"No."
"You're about to. Hey, Wolfgar! We got a noob here who wants to hear about Leman Russ!"
Several sisters were standing around gossiping with two female guardswomen when one of the sisters asked if the guardswomen would want to trade armor for a single battle, and were astonished when all of them declined, stating their armor was better.
Flabberghasted, the sisters demanded to know how this was possible and accused the gaurdswomen of lying. At last, one of them agreed to swap with one of the sisters for a single day, so they swapped gear.
The next day after the battle, the sister came back and traded uniforms as agreed. Seeing her sitting around looking morose, her fellow sisters asked her what was wrong. She fidgeted for a moment and admitted the guardswomen had been right.
Several sisters were standing around gossiping with two female guardswomen when one of the sisters asked if the guardswomen would want to trade armor for a single battle, and were astonished when all of them declined, stating their armor was better.
Flabberghasted, the sisters demanded to know how this was possible and accused the gaurdswomen of lying. At last, one of them agreed to swap with one of the sisters for a single day, so they swapped gear.
The next day after the battle, the sister came back and traded uniforms as agreed. Seeing her sitting around looking morose, her fellow sisters asked her what was wrong. She fidgeted for a moment and admitted the guardswomen had been right.
"Now I want a Baneblade, too."
Best one of them all imho
Sister 1:How many Raven Guards does it take to change a light bulb?
Sister 2:Raven Guards aren't scared of the dark.
Sister 1:How many heathen Eldar does it take to change a light bulb?
Sister 2:Just one. But in the good old days of the Great Empire a billion light bulbs would be changed at their slightest whim.
Sister 1:How many Tech-priests does it take to change a light bulb?
Sister2:Just one. But you had better be prepared to hear them go on and on and on about how light bulbs are not as bright as they were in the Dark Age Of Technology.
Sister 1:How many Inquisitors does it take to change a light bulb?
Sister 2:There is no light bulb. You saw no light bulb. There was never a light bulb there. You ask to many questions.
Sister 1:How many Dark Angels does it take to change a light bulb?
Sister 2:Ssshh. It's a secret.
Sister 1:What does a Chaos Worshiper have in common with a slinky?
Sister 2:They are both fun to watch after you push them down the stairs.
Sister 1:How many Chaos Worshipers does it take to conquer Terra?
Sister 2:It is hard to say because despite 13 attempts they have yet to manage it.
Sister 1:How many gears does a Chaos Worshipers Baneblade have?
Sister 2:2. Stop and reverse.
Sister 1:What is the first thing you learn upon joining the Bloodpact army?
Sister 2:How to say 'I Surrender' in High Gothic.
Sister 1:What is the difference between a piece of toast and a Chaos Worshiper?
Sister 2:You can make soldiers out of the piece of toast.
Sister 1:How do you get a Chaos Worshiper to get down from a tree?
A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."
A battle sister is giggling in the chow line. "What's so funny?" asks another. "I just overheard Sergeant Calculon in the Ultramarine personnel section tell a adept to calculate the pay entry base date for a venerable dreadnaught." (this is a spin on the 'box of grid squares joke. ahhh... now you get it).
A sister was travelling through an imperial spaceport when a security officer asked her if she had any weaponry. She asked "what do you need dear?"
A battle sister gets a knock on the door, when she opens it there is a Necron standing there. She blasts it with her melta-gun. Ten minutes later there is another knock on the door. The Necron is like "What the hell was that about?!"
I have been avoiding this thread like a plague because I always seem to hate any attempt of a 40k written joke. I THOUGHT the only ones decentes ones are the visual ones. No more, there's fantastic stuff here
The Light bult and the heretic one was one of the best for me, together with the "fun guy" oh, when that one clicked, almost burst laughing in the middle of the office.
We NEED a SoB version of these two to represent KORIANDER and RAVEN:
necrondog99 wrote: A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."
I don't get it. Since when are Space Wolves sober?
necrondog99 wrote: A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."
I don't get it. Since when are Space Wolves sober?
necrondog99 wrote: A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."
I don't get it. Since when are Space Wolves sober?
i thought the same thing after reading that.
That's a variant of an old Churchill anecdote, and he also rarely got sober
I have been avoiding this thread like a plague because I always seem to hate any attempt of a 40k written joke. I THOUGHT the only ones decentes ones are the visual ones. No more, there's fantastic stuff here
The Light bult and the heretic one was one of the best for me, together with the "fun guy" oh, when that one clicked, almost burst laughing in the middle of the office.
We NEED a SoB version of these two to represent KORIANDER and RAVEN:
... most of the one's I've written in this thread were cribbed from Statler & Waldorf routines.
BaronIveagh wrote: In the middle of a massive battle, two sisters approach a squad of space marines hunkered behind a flakboard wall in the blown out remains of a hab. The marines tell the sisters to 'go back to the kitchen'. To their surprise, the sisters laugh and do so.
After the battle, the single surviving Marine sees the sisters waving to him from the remains of the kitchen. To his astonishment, they'd made a small bunker of steel refrigeration units and granite counter tops.
Totally. I'm thinking of introducing a red-haired Sister and her black-haired compatriot, simply observing the various antics of the PCs and offering side-line commentary.
Several sisters were showering when one made the boast that while all were good looking, she was obviously the prettiest. This led to a rather spirited debate on the merits of their various figures, scars, and tattoos. When the sister superior entered the shower, they all stopped, looking embarrassed for a moment at their vanity.
The Sister superior then observed: "It's all nonsense anyway. I'm the best looking."
"How do you know that Sister?" one asked.
"Easy." She said, pressing her flamer against the shower wall "There's six feet of adamantium reenforced plascrete between this room and the IG bunker next door, and my shower stall is the only one they've drilled a peep hole through to so far." and pulled the trigger.
"Well, yes it hurts, but think how much worse it would be if the bolt round had actually detonated." Sister Gloria of the Order of Iris
"Well.... most of him." Sister Gloria of the Order of Iris, when asked if she had found the Inquisitor's missing informant.
A sister once asked a Magos Biologis why there were no female space marines, as the answer the Space Marines gave conflicted with her knowledge of biology.
The Magos sat for a moment and ruminated, and then said "The truth is, we tried it once. It worked great right up until some jerk in a bar turned out to be an Inquisitor..."
Three Celestines were sitting together. Two of them were animatedly talking abut the huge bananas and oranges they had seen on an agriworld. The third, a bit hard of hearing, asked:
"Brother-Sargent Who?"
A sister approached several guardsmen who were running a still behind the ammo dump and lectured them on the evils of drink, threatening to inform their commissar about their illicit operation if they didn't hand over thier contraband to her to be destroyed. Putting all the jars of amasec into a bag, they handed it over and pledged to follow the letter of regulations.
The sister took the bag and walked away. After a little ways she was met by several of her fellow sisters who then divvied up the jars, one of them saying 'I can't believe that plan actually worked".
Psienesis wrote: Totally. I'm thinking of introducing a red-haired Sister and her black-haired compatriot, simply observing the various antics of the PCs and offering side-line commentary.
Haha, that would be brilliant. I'm playing as a loudmouth Guardsman, so some of these wise-crackes would be great for him.
necrondog99 wrote: A sister-superior walks up to a space wolf at the after-invasion party and says "Sir, you are drunk," and the Spacewolf replies "Ma'am, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober."
I don't get it. Since when are Space Wolves sober?
i thought the same thing after reading that.
Guys, please get a historical edumacation.
EDIT: Kroothawk got it
I love Winston Churchill
The Sister Superior saw the Imperial Guard Colonel sending his men into battle, carelessly wasting their lives in the meatgrinder. She said to him 'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison you.' He said back 'Sister, if you were my wife, I would take it!'
AL-PiXeL01 wrote: Why do salamanders and the sisters work so well together?
They are hot for each other.
Hehe.
This one makes me think of cheesy, 40K-themed Valentine's Day cards (like those terrible chalk-candies they give out on Valentine's Day). Like, a Sternguard with a Plasmacannon, captioned "Overheating 4 U" (like those terrible chalk-candies they give out on Valentine's Day).
AL-PiXeL01 wrote: Why do salamanders and the sisters work so well together?
They are hot for each other.
Hehe.
This one makes me think of cheesy, 40K-themed Valentine's Day cards (like those terrible chalk-candies they give out on Valentine's Day). Like, a Sternguard with a Plasmacannon, captioned "Overheating 4 U" (like those terrible chalk-candies they give out on Valentine's Day).
And the Necron valentine says "Some say til death do us part. Some people are also *PANSIES*."
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! Why do we like Black Templars so much better than other Astartes, anyway?
SISTER RAVEN: Because they paint big black targets in their chests to draw fire.
SISTER KORIANDER: Yes, that is terribly thoughtful of them, isn't it?
SISTER RAVEN: Yes. Yes it is.
CHAPLAIN GRIMALDUS: Ver you just saying you needed our help vith something, my dear girls?
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh, no, sir.
SISTER RAVEN: We're fine, sir. Just.... You just keep standing right over there, sir.
CHAPLAIN GRIMALDUS: Vas, zo far away?
SISTER RAVEN: Yes, that's perfect.
CHAPLAIN GRIMALDUS: Oh. Okay.
[awkward pause]
CHAPLAIN GRIMALDUS: I haf to say zis hurts mein feelink ein little bit.
I know that Koriander and Raven are a rather, well, odd choice of odd couple for these jokes, but I find my other favorite fictional females don't work as well:
SISTER GINEVRA: Look, those Tau have no noses. How do they even smell?
SISTER HERMIONE: Well, actually that's quite interesting, because ...
SISTER GINEVRA: No, you're supposed to say "terrible."
SISTER HERMIONE: ...while one might assume the long vertical slit in the face of a Tau corresponds to the human nose...
SISTER GINEVRA: No, Hermione, it's a joke, you're supposed to say...
SISTER HERMIONE: ... in fact the olfactory organs of a Tau are located inside its mouth, quite possibly due to....
SISTER GINEVRA: Isn't there going to be a bloody punch line?
SISTER REPENTIA LUNA LOVEGOOD: Crumple-horned snorkacks have the "Monstrous Creature" rule.
SISTER HERMIONE: There's no such thing!
SISTER GINEVRA: That's it, that's done it, I quit.
[storms off]
SISTER REPENTIA LUNA LOVEGOOD: Come back, we haven't even done the Churchill bits yet!
SISTER HERMIONE: Luna, what are you wearing?
SISTER REPENTIA LUNA LOVEGOOD: D'you like it?
SISTER BUFFY: Hey, Sister! Which does the Imperium persecute more savagely, witches or lesbians?
SISTER WILLOW: Ummm... kthxbai gottagonow.
SISTER LEIA: Hey, Sister, why do George Lucas's films fail the Bechdel test?
[long silence. Crickets chirp. A coyote howls]
SISTER LEIA: Yeah, that's what I thought too.
GUARDSMAN: sister, do you have a moment?
SISTER: What is it?
GUARDSMAN: Would you like me to show you my cock?
SISTER: [suprised] er, yes?
GUARDSMAN: ok then.
[Get's his pet chicken out of its box]
SisterSydney wrote: Thanks for Exalting. Also, where do the movie quotes in your signature come from? They sound pretty funny too.
First is from Aliens. Other two are from Red Dwarf.
yep, that's exactly where they come from. the Aliens movies are in the top 5 of my all time favorite movies, and Red Dwarf is one of my favorite sci-fi series shows.
Sister 1: What do you call a dysfunctional Leman Russ Tank?
Sister 2: What?
Sister 1: a Lemon Russ.
Guardsmen Tanker: I should shoot the both of you for that feth awful pun.
Several Grey Knights were standing around with their Inquisitor bragging about their Dreadknight in earshot of a group of sisters. The unimpressed sister superior approached the Inquisitor and informed him that they had several captured heretics for placement in Penitent Engines. Looking at the Dreadknight, she added "But, I can see this one is already occupied."
Brothers of the Inferno Lords Space Marine Chapter were astonished one morning to find their Land Raider Redeemer 'Infernis Infinium' missing. Also missing was a squad of battle sisters and enough flamers to outfit all of them. It did not take long for the Marines and their sister superior to put two and two together. On returning with the land raider, all their flamer fuel expended, the sister superior demanded what they had to say.
Sister Alice - What do you call a Tyranid running from a storefront?
Sister May - A Jean Stealer.
Sister Alice- What do you call a Tyranid wearing Calvin Kleins?
Sister May - A gene stealer cultist
Sister Alice - What's the difference between a space wolf and an alcoholic?
Sister May - there isn't one.
Sister Alice - two grey knights walk into a bar..
Sister May - and the sister ducks.
Sister Alice - what do you call a murder of tyranid gargoyles?
Sister May - a duck hunt.
Sister Alice - what's the difference between a Great Knorloc and a Squiggoth?
Sister May - the ones deep fried and tastes like gator, the other is extra crispy and tastes like chicken.
Sister Alice - why do grey klnights throw their garbage out in clear bags?
Sister May - so tyranids can go window shopping.
Q: What did the Retributor ask of her husband?
A: "Does this make me look heavy"?
A sister superior leaves heretics in the care of of a battle sister, and as she leaves, she says "don't grill them too hard". Hours later she finds the sister in the convent.
"what, finished already? how did they go?
"well, the skinnier weaker ones crisped out quickly, there was no helping that, but the plump ones came out well done.
Sister A: How are khornate daemons best served?
Sister B: Medium rare.
Q: Why do the sisters prefer to face Slanesh cultists?
A: all they need to do is advertise the painful "pleasures" of the torture racks and the cultists turn themselves in
Happyjew wrote: SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Slaaneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Two. But don't ask me how they got in there.
Best in thread.
Two Astartes and a Cymbal drop out of a Thunderhawk.
Sorry for the length of the following. Poor Sister Koriander...
Hal Ifle: Good morning, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Good morning. I was sitting in the Schola Progenum on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Heretics' by Horus Warphole, when suddenly I came over all irate. Hal Ifle: Irate, ma'am? Sister Koriander: Livid. Hal Ifle: Eh? Sister Koriander: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all angry, like! Hal Ifle: Oh, angry. Sister Koriander: (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little dead witch will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Warpholing activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some new armaments. (rubs her palms) Hal Ifle: Come again. Sister Koriander: (broad nothern accent) I want to buy some guns. Hal Ifle: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music! Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Emperor forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the imperium muse. Hal Ifle: Sorry? Sister Koriander: I like a nice prayer - you're forced to. Quick cut to a Space Wolf. Space Wolf: (broad Northern accent) Anyway. Cut back to weapon shop. Hal Ifle: Who said that? Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Now my good man, a gun, please. Hal Ifle: Yes certainly, ma'am. What would you like? Sister Koriander: Well, how about a little Plasma Pistol. Hal Ifle: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Plasma Pistols, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Oh, never mind. How are you on Laspistols? Hal Ifle: Never at the end of the week, Ma'am. Always get them fresh first thing on Monday. Sister Koriander: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four Frag Grenades, then, if you please, stout yeoman. Hal Ifle: Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, ma'am, I was expecting it this morning. Sister Koriander: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Autogun? Hal Ifle: Sorry. Sister Koriander: Combi-flamer? Hal Ifle: Normally, ma'am, yes, but today the van broke down. Sister Koriander: Ah. Hot-shot Lasgun? Hal Ifle: Sorry. Sister Koriander: Autocannon? Sniper Rifle? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Any Grav-guns? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Plasma Cannon? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Lascannon? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Assault Cannon? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Heavy Bolter? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Heavy Flamer? Hal Ifle: ...No. Sister Koriander: Lasgun? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Any Mortars? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Stub Gun, Storm Bolter, Demolition Charge, Bolt Pistol, Multi-Melta, Incinerator, Combi-Stake Crossbow, Shotgun, Autopistol, Hot-Shot Laspistol, Flamer? Hal Ifle: Ah! We do have a Flamer, ma'am. Sister Koriander: You do! Excellent. Hal Ifle: It's a bit hot, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Oh, I like it hot. Hal Ifle: Well as a matter of fact it's very hot, ma'am. Sister Koriander: No matter. No matter. Hand over l'arme des Xenos hideux appellent un Flamer, s'il vous plaît. Hal Ifle: I think it's hotter than you like it, ma'am. Sister Koriander: (smiling grimley) I don't care how Slaaneshi hot it is. Hand it over with all speed. Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh... Sister Koriander: What? Hal Ifle: The mutant's eaten it. Sister Koriander: Has he? Hal Ifle: She, sir. Sister Koriander: Heavy Incinerator? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Krak Grenade? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Combi-grav? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Combi-Plasma? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Heavy Stubber? Hal Ifle: No, ma'am. Sister Koriander: You do have some weapons, do you? Hal Ifle: Certainly, ma'am. It's a weapon shop, ma'am. We've got... Sister Koriander: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. Hal Ifle: Fair enough. Sister Koriander: Hellrifle. Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am? Sister Koriander: Splendid. Well, I'll have one of those then, please. Hal Ifle: Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, I thought you were reffering to me, Mr Hal Ifle. Sister Koriander: Plasma Gun? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Inferno Pistol? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Missile Launcher? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Condemnor Boltgun? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Any Grenade Launchers? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Combi-Melta? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: Hand Flamer? Hal Ifle: Not today ma'am, no. (pause) Sister Koriander: Well let's keep it simple, how about a Boltgun? Hal Ifle: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for those around these parts. Sister Koriander: No call for it? It's the single most popular weapon in the Imperium! Hal Ifle: Not round these parts, ma'am. Sister Koriander: And pray what is the most popular weapon round these parts? Hal Ifle: Meltaguns, ma'am. Sister Koriander: I see. Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. It's quite staggeringly popular in the streets, Sister. Sister Koriander: Is it. Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am, it's our number-one seller. Sister Koriander: Is it. Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am. Sister Koriander: Meltaguns, eh? Hal Ifle: Right. Sister Koriander: OK, I'm game. Have you got any, she asked, expecting the answer no? Hal Ifle: I'll have a look, ma'am...nnnnnnooooooooo. Sister Koriander: It's not much of a weapon shop really, is it? Hal Ifle: Finest on the planet, ma'am. Sister Koriander: And what leads you to that conclusion? Hal Ifle: Well, it's so clean. Sister Koriander: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by weapons. Hal Ifle: You haven't asked me about Grav-pistol, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Is it worth it? Hal Ifle: Could be. Sister Koriander: OK, have you...will you shut that bloody praying up! (the praying stops) Hal Ifle: (to congregants) Told you so. Sister Koriander: Have you got any Grav-pistols? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any weapons at all? Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. Sister Koriander: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any weapons at all? Hal Ifle: No. Sister Koriander: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Happyjew wrote: Sorry for the length of the following. Poor Sister Koriander...
Spoiler:
Hal Ifle: Good morning, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Good morning. I was sitting in the Schola Progenum on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Heretics' by Horus Warphole, when suddenly I came over all irate.
Hal Ifle: Irate, ma'am?
Sister Koriander: Livid.
Hal Ifle: Eh?
Sister Koriander: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all angry, like!
Hal Ifle: Oh, angry.
Sister Koriander: (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little dead witch will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Warpholing activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some new armaments. (rubs her palms)
Hal Ifle: Come again.
Sister Koriander: (broad nothern accent) I want to buy some guns.
Hal Ifle: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!
Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Emperor forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the imperium muse.
Hal Ifle: Sorry?
Sister Koriander: I like a nice prayer - you're forced to.
Quick cut to a Space Wolf.
Space Wolf: (broad Northern accent) Anyway.
Cut back to weapon shop.
Hal Ifle: Who said that?
Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Now my good man, a gun, please.
Hal Ifle: Yes certainly, ma'am. What would you like?
Sister Koriander: Well, how about a little Plasma Pistol.
Hal Ifle: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Plasma Pistols, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Oh, never mind. How are you on Laspistols?
Hal Ifle: Never at the end of the week, Ma'am. Always get them fresh first thing on Monday.
Sister Koriander: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four Frag Grenades, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Hal Ifle: Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, ma'am, I was expecting it this morning.
Sister Koriander: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Autogun?
Hal Ifle: Sorry.
Sister Koriander: Combi-flamer?
Hal Ifle: Normally, ma'am, yes, but today the van broke down.
Sister Koriander: Ah. Hot-shot Lasgun?
Hal Ifle: Sorry.
Sister Koriander: Autocannon? Sniper Rifle?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Grav-guns?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Plasma Cannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Lascannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Assault Cannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Bolter?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Flamer?
Hal Ifle: ...No.
Sister Koriander: Lasgun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Mortars?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Stub Gun, Storm Bolter, Demolition Charge, Bolt Pistol, Multi-Melta, Incinerator, Combi-Stake Crossbow, Shotgun, Autopistol, Hot-Shot Laspistol, Flamer?
Hal Ifle: Ah! We do have a Flamer, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: You do! Excellent.
Hal Ifle: It's a bit hot, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Oh, I like it hot.
Hal Ifle: Well as a matter of fact it's very hot, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: No matter. No matter. Hand over l'arme des Xenos hideux appellent un Flamer, s'il vous plaît.
Hal Ifle: I think it's hotter than you like it, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: (smiling grimley) I don't care how Slaaneshi hot it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...
Sister Koriander: What?
Hal Ifle: The mutant's eaten it.
Sister Koriander: Has he?
Hal Ifle: She, sir.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Incinerator?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Krak Grenade?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-grav?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-Plasma?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Stubber?
Hal Ifle: No, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: You do have some weapons, do you?
Hal Ifle: Certainly, ma'am. It's a weapon shop, ma'am. We've got...
Sister Koriander: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Hal Ifle: Fair enough.
Sister Koriander: Hellrifle.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am?
Sister Koriander: Splendid. Well, I'll have one of those then, please.
Hal Ifle: Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, I thought you were reffering to me, Mr Hal Ifle.
Sister Koriander: Plasma Gun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Inferno Pistol?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Missile Launcher?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Condemnor Boltgun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Grenade Launchers?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-Melta?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Hand Flamer?
Hal Ifle: Not today ma'am, no.
(pause)
Sister Koriander: Well let's keep it simple, how about a Boltgun?
Hal Ifle: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for those around these parts.
Sister Koriander: No call for it? It's the single most popular weapon in the Imperium!
Hal Ifle: Not round these parts, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: And pray what is the most popular weapon round these parts?
Hal Ifle: Meltaguns, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: I see.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. It's quite staggeringly popular in the streets, Sister.
Sister Koriander: Is it.
Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am, it's our number-one seller.
Sister Koriander: Is it.
Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Meltaguns, eh?
Hal Ifle: Right.
Sister Koriander: OK, I'm game. Have you got any, she asked, expecting the answer no?
Hal Ifle: I'll have a look, ma'am...nnnnnnooooooooo.
Sister Koriander: It's not much of a weapon shop really, is it?
Hal Ifle: Finest on the planet, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: And what leads you to that conclusion?
Hal Ifle: Well, it's so clean.
Sister Koriander: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by weapons.
Hal Ifle: You haven't asked me about Grav-pistol, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Is it worth it?
Hal Ifle: Could be.
Sister Koriander: OK, have you...will you shut that bloody praying up! (the praying stops)
Hal Ifle: (to congregants) Told you so.
Sister Koriander: Have you got any Grav-pistols?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any weapons at all?
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any weapons at all?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Though it did not make me laugh, I did thoroughly enjoy that conversation, good job
Though it did not make me laugh, I did thoroughly enjoy that conversation, good job
The hardest part was figuring out a name for the shopkeep. And getting a large enough collection. It also sounds better if you give them both a British accent.
Heh, if I could provide just a bit of an editing job... as I have a copy of the script from that skit sitting around here somewhere...
The last few lines should be:
Spoiler:
SK: Have you, in fact, got any weapons here at all?
HI: No, ma'am, I was deliberately wasting your time.
SK: *sighs* Well, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
HI: Right-o, ma'am.
*BANG!*
SK: What a senseless waste of human life.
Psienesis wrote: Heh, if I could provide just a bit of an editing job... as I have a copy of the script from that skit sitting around here somewhere...
The last few lines should be:
Spoiler:
SK: Have you, in fact, got any weapons here at all?
HI: No, ma'am, I was deliberately wasting your time.
SK: *sighs* Well, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
HI: Right-o, ma'am.
*BANG!*
SK: What a senseless waste of human life.
Is that from the album? I got it from Flying Circus.
Not sure what the original source is, as I've seen the Cheese Shop skit performed live, on the television show, and on three different albums. I also have the books that are the scripts from the original show, but don't remember how it's phrased off-hand.
.... though I think that version flows better. I think it better captures the absurdist humor of Python. It goes from an absolutely absurd cheese shop that has no cheese at all, to the sudden declaration that he's going to shoot him, to which the clerk cheerily agrees. So the absurdity gets suddenly cranked up past 11 with one single line, "I'm very sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you." It's just so... British.
I've seen that skit many times myself and I saw everything coming and I'm still sitting here laughing in the empty classroom after my grad school class on cyberwar has finished.... Exalted.
A Sister Superior and a unexperienced Battle Sister stand before a long row of pyres, the fire brightly illuminating their faces and gleaming on the ebony armour.
S. SUPERIOR: "As you can see, what a plaguebearer, a traitor-marine and psyker have in common is that they make excellent candles. This is important to remember, since you cannot trust the adeptus mechanicus to change lightbulbs..."
BATTLE SISTER: *spits sanctioned curse*
S. SUPERIOR: "I shall remind you to keep a civil tongue!"
BATTLE SISTER: "...But I forgot the marshmallows!"
S. SUPERIOR: "Valid point."
A Sister Superior and a unexperienced Battle Sister stand before a long row of pyres, the fire brightly illuminating their faces and gleaming on the ebony armour.
S. SUPERIOR: "As you can see, what a plaguebearer, a traitor-marine and psyker have in common is that they make excellent candles. This is important to remember, since you cannot trust the adeptus mechanicus to change lightbulbs..."
BATTLE SISTER: *spits sanctioned curse*
S. SUPERIOR: "I shall remind you to keep a civil tongue!"
BATTLE SISTER: "...But I forgot the marshmallows!"
S. SUPERIOR: "Valid point."
(sorry, it's a bit lame)
I liked it
The part about the candles made me happy
Yep, totally breaking out my old Phoenix Command books and "re-purposing" some of the margin flavor quotes. I think those were the best part of the books.
Sister Gloria: I think that these skittari have no guts!
Skittari trooper: Are you kidding lady? I have balls of steel!
Sister Zonetan of the Order of the Iris: and in other news, the Adeptus Mechanicus has announced a new class of Titan weapon, a huge combi bolter that combines a vulcan megabolter and an inferno cannon. When asked her thoughts on this, Sister Gloria had this to say:
Sister Gloria: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sister Gloria: "I say, we kick the doors in, and purge the heretics with heavy flamers."
Sister Galore: "But this the planning meeting for the Inquisitorial Ball."
Sister Gloria: "I know."
Sister Gloria: "How many arms did he have to begin with?"
Sister Gloria: "You like? I call this color 'ultraviolent'.
Sister Galore: "Sister Gloria, that's a power maul, not a meat tenderizer."
Sister Gloria: "It works though, right?"
Sister Superior Tarna: "Ok, now whip the eggs. and Sister Gloria, yours had better not die while under questioning."
Sister Superior Tarna: And that, ladies, is how one bakes a cake. Sister Gloria, I won't even ask how you managed to mount a heavy flamer and grenade launchers on yours...."
Sister Galore: Quit putting grenades on Mr Wiggles (A pug puppy)! He is NOT a bomb squig!
Sister Gloria: She's absolutely right. A mascot of the Order of the Iris would never wear frag grenades! Now this melta bomb on the other hand...
Sister Superior Tarna: Sister Gloria, where is the rest of the squad?
Sister Gloria: Probably with Brother Lee again. I'm told his... umm... devotion! Yeah, his devotion is truly tremendous."
Sister Superior Tarna: Oh, I just bet it is.
Sister Superior Tarna: Sister Gloria, this is the first time I have EVER heard of a Repentia Squad having suffered sufficiently to be redeemed WITHOUT dying. What in the name of the Golden Throne did you DO?
Sister Gloria: Tried my best?
Sister Galore: Noise Marines at four o clock!
Sister Gloria: Fools! I'll show them the meaning of 'heavy metal'! Driver, execute maneuver 'Wheels of Steel!"
Sister Superior Tarna: "While you did defeat the tyranid swarm, Sister Gloria, you are not rated to use a jet pack OR permitted to modify your flamer OR use several barrels of promethium to cause a fuel aerosol explosion of that magnitude. I have protests here from the adeptus mechanicus for abuse of their sacred technology AND from the Seraphim of our own order for the theft of a jetpack from one of their deceased sisters. Also, Sister Galore is very put out over your use of Mr Wiggles as bait..."
SisterSydney wrote: Heh. Especially like the Arbites one. What's Phoenix Command, though?
The most overcomplicated wargame/RPG (it can't make up its mind) ever created. Completely ridiculous to play ( from a man who likes overcomplicated games) but the quotes in the sidebars are pure gold.
I'm still running it for some people someday though...just to say I did.
I think I've heard of this: Is Phoenix Command the RPG with pages upon pages of rules on how to design your own guns?
BaronIveagh wrote: Sister Gloria: "How many arms did he have to begin with?"
To my own surprise, I think this one is my favorite. It made me go, "Huh? What? I don't.... oh. Oh." It captures the innocent, wide-eyed brutality of the Sisterhood so well....
It's kind of like the bit in one of the Caiphas Caine books where Amberley Vail is reminiscing about some "Our Friend Promethium" book she had as a kid, showing all the uses of promethium in cartoon form, and one of her favorite parts was the burning heretics....
Sister Galore: Sister Gloria, RDX is NOT FOOD. It says so right on the label.
Sister Gloria: Oh, I thought that was just for Guardsmen. Well, it mixes so well with flour, who's gonna know? Just use it in the bread.
Sister Superior Tarna: Ok, ladies, put your bolters against the wall and take off the power armor and put on DEAR EMPEROR SISTER GLORIA WHERE ARE YOUR UNDERTHINGS?
Sister Gloria: Um...tyranids ate them?
Sister Roxanne: Since when do we need chainswords to portion meat?
Sister Galore: Since the grox is still moving. And angry.
Inquisitor Pyrobolos: How did you tenderize this grox? It's very good.
Sister Gloria: Krak Missile.
Sister Gloria (after the firefight with the radicals breaks out): Did they eat the bread?
Inquisitor Pyrobolos: I think so, why?
Sister Gloria: Just chuck a grenade their way and find hard cover...
Happyjew wrote: Sorry for the length of the following. Poor Sister Koriander...
Hal Ifle: Good morning, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Good morning. I was sitting in the Schola Progenum on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Heretics' by Horus Warphole, when suddenly I came over all irate.
Hal Ifle: Irate, ma'am?
Sister Koriander: Livid.
Hal Ifle: Eh?
Sister Koriander: (broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all angry, like!
Hal Ifle: Oh, angry.
Sister Koriander: (normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little dead witch will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Warpholing activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some new armaments. (rubs her palms)
Hal Ifle: Come again.
Sister Koriander: (broad nothern accent) I want to buy some guns.
Hal Ifle: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!
Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Emperor forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the imperium muse.
Hal Ifle: Sorry?
Sister Koriander: I like a nice prayer - you're forced to.
Quick cut to a Space Wolf.
Space Wolf: (broad Northern accent) Anyway.
Cut back to weapon shop.
Hal Ifle: Who said that?
Sister Koriander: (normal voice) Now my good man, a gun, please.
Hal Ifle: Yes certainly, ma'am. What would you like?
Sister Koriander: Well, how about a little Plasma Pistol.
Hal Ifle: I'm, afraid we're fresh out of Plasma Pistols, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Oh, never mind. How are you on Laspistols?
Hal Ifle: Never at the end of the week, Ma'am. Always get them fresh first thing on Monday.
Sister Koriander: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four Frag Grenades, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Hal Ifle: Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, ma'am, I was expecting it this morning.
Sister Koriander: Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Autogun?
Hal Ifle: Sorry.
Sister Koriander: Combi-flamer?
Hal Ifle: Normally, ma'am, yes, but today the van broke down.
Sister Koriander: Ah. Hot-shot Lasgun?
Hal Ifle: Sorry.
Sister Koriander: Autocannon? Sniper Rifle?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Grav-guns?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Plasma Cannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Lascannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Assault Cannon?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Bolter?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Flamer?
Hal Ifle: ...No.
Sister Koriander: Lasgun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Mortars?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Stub Gun, Storm Bolter, Demolition Charge, Bolt Pistol, Multi-Melta, Incinerator, Combi-Stake Crossbow, Shotgun, Autopistol, Hot-Shot Laspistol, Flamer?
Hal Ifle: Ah! We do have a Flamer, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: You do! Excellent.
Hal Ifle: It's a bit hot, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Oh, I like it hot.
Hal Ifle: Well as a matter of fact it's very hot, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: No matter. No matter. Hand over l'arme des Xenos hideux appellent un Flamer, s'il vous plaît.
Hal Ifle: I think it's hotter than you like it, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: (smiling grimley) I don't care how Slaaneshi hot it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...
Sister Koriander: What?
Hal Ifle: The mutant's eaten it.
Sister Koriander: Has he?
Hal Ifle: She, sir.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Incinerator?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Krak Grenade?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-grav?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-Plasma?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Heavy Stubber?
Hal Ifle: No, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: You do have some weapons, do you?
Hal Ifle: Certainly, ma'am. It's a weapon shop, ma'am. We've got...
Sister Koriander: No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Hal Ifle: Fair enough.
Sister Koriander: Hellrifle.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am?
Sister Koriander: Splendid. Well, I'll have one of those then, please.
Hal Ifle: Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, I thought you were reffering to me, Mr Hal Ifle.
Sister Koriander: Plasma Gun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Inferno Pistol?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Missile Launcher?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Condemnor Boltgun?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Any Grenade Launchers?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Combi-Melta?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: Hand Flamer?
Hal Ifle: Not today ma'am, no.
(pause)
Sister Koriander: Well let's keep it simple, how about a Boltgun?
Hal Ifle: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for those around these parts.
Sister Koriander: No call for it? It's the single most popular weapon in the Imperium!
Hal Ifle: Not round these parts, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: And pray what is the most popular weapon round these parts?
Hal Ifle: Meltaguns, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: I see.
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am. It's quite staggeringly popular in the streets, Sister.
Sister Koriander: Is it.
Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am, it's our number-one seller.
Sister Koriander: Is it.
Hal Ifle: Yes ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Meltaguns, eh?
Hal Ifle: Right.
Sister Koriander: OK, I'm game. Have you got any, she asked, expecting the answer no?
Hal Ifle: I'll have a look, ma'am...nnnnnnooooooooo.
Sister Koriander: It's not much of a weapon shop really, is it?
Hal Ifle: Finest on the planet, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: And what leads you to that conclusion?
Hal Ifle: Well, it's so clean.
Sister Koriander: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by weapons.
Hal Ifle: You haven't asked me about Grav-pistol, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Is it worth it?
Hal Ifle: Could be.
Sister Koriander: OK, have you...will you shut that bloody praying up! (the praying stops)
Hal Ifle: (to congregants) Told you so.
Sister Koriander: Have you got any Grav-pistols?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any weapons at all?
Hal Ifle: Yes, ma'am.
Sister Koriander: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any weapons at all?
Hal Ifle: No.
Sister Koriander: (shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Copying Monty Python is heretical, punishable by torture by Comfy Chair.
@ Baronlveagh:
In some cases, Sister Gloria reminds me of a Dark Heresy character I played... Ecclesiarchy preacher/cleric brother Zarkov, or: how to get promethium on a feudal or feral world.
SisterSydney wrote: It's kind of like the bit in one of the Caiphas Caine books where Amberley Vail is reminiscing about some "Our Friend Promethium" book she had as a kid, showing all the uses of promethium in cartoon form, and one of her favorite parts was the burning heretics....
A wonderful book for every child of the Imperium (and the absolute favourite of afore mentioned cleric).
Some of his highlights adapted for the sisters:
Sister Ivanova: *nearly collapses under a load of promethium barrels*
Sister Superior Maria: "What in the name of the Emperor do you think you are doing?"
Sister Ivanova: "Preparing to purge the heretics and the unclean, mistress!"
Sister Superior Maria: "That's laudable, but don't you think these are abit too many barrels"
Sister Ivanova: "Can't have enough promethium. After all, it's not my fault they're running dry so fast...."
After purging some secret tunnels below a town from nurglings and plaguebearers Sister Ivanova floods the tunnels with alcohol and sets fire to the house the secret passages were beneath. The following conversation takes place after the Sisters realise that the fire spreads to the rest of the (feudal) town:
Sister Superior Maria: "Not again! This is the umpteenth time, innocent citizen of the Imperium suffer by your pyromancy!"
Sister Ivanova: "With all due respect mistress, but if you refer to that wee little fire on that Imperial World a few months back, I have to say to my defense that we got ALL the heretics."
Sister Superior Maria: "Since we still have to find the chaos cultists and recover the relic, we somehow have to get rid of those incompetent Ordo Malleus acolytes..."
Sister Ivanova: "Well, we have killed some demons without them even noticing anything was amiss, so I suggest we set them on fire for being incompetent, traitors and heretics... I heard their Inquisitor is a radical..."
Sister Superior Maria: "You know, that is not a bad idea."
Sister Ivanova: *cofused* "You agree?"
There were some other instances I cannot quite recall.... maybe later
Sister Zetina: "Hey Sister: An Imperial Guardsman, a Ultramarine brother-captain and a cogboy walk into a bar..."
Sister Ivanova: "...and the barman says: 'Is this some kind of joke?' "
Reg ........................Trouble at mill. Lady Mountback...Oh no. What sort of trouble? Reg ........................One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Lady Mountback...Pardon? Reg ........................One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Lady Mountback...I don't understand what you're saying. Reg ........................One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle. Lady Mountback...Well what on Terra does that mean? Reg ........................I don't know. Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition. Jarring chord. The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Ordo Heretcus enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang. Ximinez.................Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor.... Our four...no... amongst our weapons.... amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (exit and exeunt) Reg ........................I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition. Jarring chord. They burst in. Ximinez.................Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor, and nice red uniforms - oh damn! (to Biggles) I can't say it, you'll have to say it. Biggles.................What? Ximinez.................You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...' Biggles.................I couldn't do that... Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside. Reg ........................I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition. They all enter. Biggles.................Er.... Nobody...um.... Ximinez.................Expects. Biggles.................Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Imperial...um... Ximinez.................Inquisition. Biggles.................I know...I know! Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect... Ximinez.................Our chief weapons are... Biggles.................Our chief weapons are...um...er... Ximinez.................Surprise. Biggles.................Surprise and... Ximinez.................Stop. Stop there! Stop there. Whew! Our chief weapon is surprise, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cardinal, read the charges. Fang......................You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Imperium of Man. My old man said follow the... Biggles.................That's enough. (to Lady Mountback) Now, how do you plead? Lady Mountback...We're innocent. Ximinez.................Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER' Biggles.................We'll soon change your mind about that! SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING' Ximinez.................Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless... (controls himself with a supreme effort) ooooh! Now, Cardinal, the rack! Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger. Ximinez.................You....Right! Tie her down. (Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack) Right! How do you plead? Lady Mountback...Innocent. Ximinez.................Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn. Cardinal Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs. Biggles.................I.... Ximinez.................I know. I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. Biggles.................I... Ximinez.................It makes it all seem so stupid. Biggles.................Shall I, um...? Ximinez.................Oh, go on, just pretend for God's sake.
Sister Gloria: Who's idea was it to name an operation to purge Nurgle worshiping heretics 'Operation Scrubbing Bubbles'?
Sister Galore: Why's Gloria in with the Sister Superior this time?
Sister Spathic: Some guardsman told her to make him a sandwich. So she saw how thinly she could slice him with a power sword and put him between two pieces of bread.
Sister Superior Tarna: Wait, explain how you defeated them again?
Sister Spathic: Well, Gloria threw a pile of our annual charity bikini calenders into the hoard of cultists. Then we killed them all while they were distracted.
Sister Superior Tarna: See, that's what I don't get: We don't HAVE an annual bikini calender. Who's in charge of it?
Sister Spathic: Sister Gloria has been as long as I can... oh.
Sister Gloria: This still is strictly for medicinal use!
Sister Galore: *HIC* I MISS MR WIGGLES!
Sister Gloria: And clearly there's been plenty of medicine for all!
Sister Raven is at prayers in the chapel. Sister Raven limps up, looking absolutely all beat to hell.
Sister Raven: Throne of Terra, Sister Koriander! Are you OK?
Sister Koriander: Ugghhh.... no....
SR: What is it? Orks? Necrons? Heretics?!
SK: No, worse...
SR: Worse?! DAEMONS?!
SK: No... do you know Sister Superior Constantia?
SR: <blinking in confusion> The one who teaches Imperium History? Uh, yes? What about her?
SK: <sighs ruefully> Her power-ruler arrived with the morning transport...
SR: <eyes widening in horror> Throne preserve us...
Sister Raven is at prayers in the chapel. Sister Raven limps up, looking absolutely all beat to hell.
Sister Raven: Throne of Terra, Sister Koriander! Are you OK?
Sister Koriander: Ugghhh.... no....
SR: What is it? Orks? Necrons? Heretics?!
SK: No, worse...
SR: Worse?! DAEMONS?!
SK: No... do you know Sister Superior Constantia?
SR: <blinking in confusion> The one who teaches Imperium History? Uh, yes? What about her?
SK: <sighs ruefully> Her power-ruler arrived with the morning transport...
SR: <eyes widening in horror> Throne preserve us...
Exalted!^^
Now, you've done it. I, too, want a power-ruler.... In the name of the Emperor and by the light of the Golden Throne: this underlining upon this here blackboard shall be straight!
... that's certainly one function of the Westcott-pattern Power-ruler, available in Imperial and Imperium measurement standards, ranging from 30.5cm (12 inches) to 1 meter (39 inches).
Though... let us also remember that the Adepta Sororitas is a penitent Order.
It seems that there is a special offer for teachers of the Schola Progenitum: "Two for the price of one - In case you break one over the head of an especially hard-headed student."
Sister Galore: You know, at the rate that the order founds new orders minoris and that Sisters eventually become saints, there's a pretty good chance that any one of us could be a saint with her own order minors one day..
Sister Spathic: Saint Gloria... Brrr...
Sister Galore: Throne! There's a thought I didn't need. What would you call that Priory, anyway? Our Lady of Slaughter? The Sisterhood of Mass Destruction?
Sister Gloria: *appearing suddenly* I like 'Our Lady Who Does Not Put Up With Your bs.', myself.
Sister Spathic; Throne, Gloria, you've been hit! How long have you been carrying around a neck wound like that?
Sister Gloria: Since this morning, I think.
Sister Spathic: I'm surprised you're able to stand.
Sister Gloria: Why? Bullets don't weigh anything.
Sister Superior Tarna: We believe that the underhive is infested with Khornate cultists. Sister Gloria, why are you smiling like that?
Sister Gloria: Magos, we're going to purge the depths of the hive and I'd like something in a chain fist with power claws.
Magos Theeble: Ve has power feest. You wants fancy shmancy power feest, ve has that too.
Sister Gloria: But I don't want a power fist, I want a chain fist.
Magos Theeble: Seester, look, ve only has power feest. But ve can fill all your power feesting needs, ja?
Sister Gloria: Ok, do you have one with a built in storm bolter?
Mags Theeble: Ja, ve gots. You look like de type to not like just feesting them anyvay.
Cultist: SUCH IS THE POWER OF KHOR *CRUNCH* Eeeeee....*thump*
Sister Galore: Power armor assisted boots, chump.
Sister Superior Tarna: Sister Spathic, what is that you have there?
Sister Spathic: Oh, this axe? I picked it up for a souvenir. It sure chops cultists great though!
Sister Gloria: You should name it.
Sister Spathic: I would, but it says someone already named it 'dread axe'.
Oh, good, jokes about civilians! It shows how deeply "only war" had penetrated my brain that I hadn't even thought of making jokes about civilians:
SISTER KORIANDER: How many faithful, clean-living, loyal subjects of the Emperor does it take to change a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: How many what?
SISTER KORIANDER: Right. Okay, how many clean-living, loyal subjects....
SISTER RAVEN: Nope.
SISTER KORIANDER: How many clean...
SISTER RAVEN: Hahahaha no.
SISTER KORIANDER: How many typical subjects of the Emperor does it take to change a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: A few quadrillion, but they just sit on their arses in the dark until we get there.
[Note that this completely ignores all other branches of the Imperial government from the PDF to the Inquisition, which says something about the Sisters' attitude towards them...]
SISTER KORIANDER: How many underhivers does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Underhivers don't change lightbulbs. They see one is out, riot, smash all the remaining bulbs, and then complain that it's too dark.
SISTER KORIANDER: How many brave, faithful, effective nobles of the Imperium does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Oh, no, we're not doing that one again, it was too long the first time.
SISTER KORIANDER: [Pouty face] Okay, fine.[/Pouty face] How many inept, degenerate, inbred nobles does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Just one, but he's his own uncle, half-brother, and first cousin, so he really counts as three.
SISTER KORIANDER: How many Death Worlders does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Just ARRGGHH [thud].
SISTER KORIANDER: How many Feral Worlders does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Me am change what?
SISTER KORIANDER: How many Chapter Serfs does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: I love the Astartes!
SISTER KORIANDER: Yes, fine, but how many Chapter Serfs...
SISTER RAVEN: Love the Astartes!
SISTER KORIANDER: No, you're not listening, how many Chapter...
SISTER RAVEN: Love Astartes!
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh, this is useless, I'm leaving.
SISTER RAVEN: Squawk! Love the Astartes! Squawk!
SISTER KORIANDER: How many Administratum clerks does it take to change....
SISTER RAVEN: Not my department. Next!
Automatically Appended Next Post: And one more about the Sisters themselves:
SISTER KORIANDER: How many Major Orders Militant does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Seven.
[pause]
BOTH: Uh oh.
Sister Superior Maria: *over intercom* "The scanners picked up some weird readings at some of the buildings in sector 7. It could be the chaos cult we've been searching for. We're starting the approach... what was that noise?"
Sister Zetina: "Er, that was Sister Ivanova grabbing her flamer... and some spare barrels of promethium. Expect her to be at your position in about ten minutes."
Sister Superior Maria: "But it's a 30 minute drive to our position..."
Sister Zetina: "Well, it seems someone's motivated... she just passed the corner down the street, screaming 'purge the unclean'."
many different answers:
- When they dress in red robes and wave mechadendrites around.
- When they are not on Mars.
- When they speak Low Gothic
- They haven't already?
- I don't know... maybe that nice Inquisitor over there can answer that question.
many different answers:
- When they dress in red robes and wave mechadendrites around.
- When they are not on Mars.
- When they speak Low Gothic
- They haven't already?
- I don't know... maybe that nice Inquisitor over there can answer that question.
Sister: Why does Nurgle love his servants so much, anyways?
Sister Superior: That is because his stomach is essentially a mini Eye of Terror: the cultists he hugs are sucked in, never to be seen again.
SISTER: I'm sorry hospitaller, I'm not well enough to fight.
HOSPITALLER: what's wrong with you?
SISTER: I've lost my voice.
That reminds me of this scene from my never-finished script for 40K movie (technically, this is an IG joke, since it's an Imperial Guard hospital ward, but let's imagine the nurse is a Hospitaller). Backstory is the sole survivor of a massed infantry charge against a Chaos Imperator tyrant wakes up from a very, very bad dream to discover....
INTERIOR – HOSPITAL WARD – DAY
Psalmer’s eyes blink open.
The soundtrack is playing Social Distortion’s “Ball and Chain”:
SOCIAL DISTORTION:
(off screen)
Well, it's been ten years and a thousand tears
and look at the mess I’m in
Psalmer’s still in the same bed in the same hospital ward. But his face is covered with bruises, he’s wearing an oxygen mask, and he’s hooked up to IVs. Stone and the other dead men are all gone. Other, unfamiliar soldiers lie in the beds on either side of him.
SOCIAL DISTORTION:
(continuing)
A broken heart and a broken nose
And an empty bottle of gin…
Psalmer tries to sit up and gasps with pain. He pulls back his bed sheet and sees his whole abdomen is wrapped with bandages. Blood is seeping through on the right side.
PSALMER:
(weakly)
Help.
(a long pause)
PSALMER:
Help?
A MEAN NURSE (Ellen Page) in shapeless blue scrubs stomps over, adjusts his IVs, and yanks off his oxygen mask.
MEAN NURSE:
Good. Finally awake. How many fingers?
She flips him the bird.
PSALMER:
Uh, one?
She makes a checkmark on her clipboard.
MEAN NURSE:
Good. Roll over.
Without waiting for him to comply. she shoves him on his side – Psalmer whimpers – then quickly cuts off his bloody bandages, sprays the wound clean with a water bottle, and starts bandaging him back up.
PSALMER:
Painkillers? Please?
MEAN NURSE:
If you’re well enough to ask for painkillers, you obviously don’t need them.
She rolls him back over, pulls the bandages tight – he gasps – and starts walking away, writing on her clipboard.
PSALMER:
So I can get painkillers if I DON’T ask for them?
MEAN NURSE:
Of course not.
PSALMER:
Wait!
MEAN NURSE:
What. Is. It. Now?
PSALMER:
The battle – did we win?
MEAN NURSE:
Narrow that down, kid. Which planet?
PSALMER:
Oh. Uh – Ypres II, I think.
MEAN NURSE:
They’ve shipped back a gakload of wounded from there, so we probably won.
PSALMER:
Wait, what?
MEAN NURSE:
When we lose, there ain’t nobody to ship back.
She walks away.
Automatically Appended Next Post: Another line from the same fanfic, spoken by a Commissar:
If a man is sent on a suicide mission and survives, he has clearly disobeyed orders and should be shot.
Two Sisters of Battle are on Patrol in an old Hive city, riding in a Repressor. For Sister Raven, it's her first time.
SISTER RAVEN: You know Sister Koriander, I don't think I've ever come this way before.
Sister Koriander smiles and replies, "It's the cobblestones."
Ray Age wrote: Two Sisters of Battle are on Patrol in an old Hive city, riding in a Repressor. For Sister Raven, it's her first time.
SISTER RAVEN: You know Sister Koriander, I don't think I've ever come this way before.
Sister Koriander smiles and replies, "It's the cobblestones."
MAGOS: Thank. You. Canoness. Please. Sign. Here. For Your. Immolators. CANONESS: Certainly.... JUNIOR SISTER: What's that? MAGOS: What. Is. What. JUNIOR SISTER: That big tank over there. MAGOS: That. Is. A. Predator. Infernus. JUNIOR SISTER: What's the gun on it? MAGOS: Flamestorm. Cannon. May. Also. Take. Magna. Melta. JUNIOR SISTER: Like a giant flamer or a giant melta? MAGOS: In. Essence. JUNIOR SISTER: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... CANONESS: I want one. MAGOS: They. Are. Reserved. For. The. Marines. JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... [Techpriests all over the Manufactorium are starting to tap their augmetic ears and run diagnostics] CANONESS: Don't care. Want now. MAGOS: But. The. Requisition.... JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... CANONESS: Give me that "requisition form" feth and I'll eviscerate your arse. I'm not some Munitorum paper pusher. MAGOS: But. But. But. Can't. Think. Horrid. Sound. Creating. Feedback. JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... [One by one, Techpriests begin to clasp their hands over their ears, writhing in agony] CANONESS: So are you going to let us take it? MAGOS: Please. Stop. Her. Making. That. Sound. JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... [A nearby Techpriest rips out his auditory implants in desperation] CANONESS: Oh, the squeeing? I work with teenage girls a lot. They just do that. MAGOS: Make. It. STOP. JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... [A Techpriest's head explodes] CANONESS: And you'll give us the tank? MAGOS: ANY! THING! JUNIOR SISTER: .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...... CANONESS: Dead puppies. JUNIOR SISTER: Awwwwwww. CANONESS: Tank now.
You thought Noise Marines were bad? Try an entire army of teenage girls.
Sister: A cultist hit her over the head with a can of cola, m'am.
Hospitalliar: She can't be that badly hurt, it's a soft drink.
you are hereby suspended without pay, and to report for retraining. Failure to do so will have you fired and your qualifications revoked. Failure to leave the premises after your termination of employment will result in the prosecution of the fullest extent of the law, including but not limited to, forcible removal, arrest, subjugation and beheading.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey sister! an Imperial fist, a Black Templar, and a Salamander are rushing into battle...
SISTER RAVEN: The Imperial Fist hides behind a wall the whole time, the Black Templar get's eaten by a Squiggoth when he charges it, and the Salamander never even gets there.
SISTER KORIANDER: Right!
Sister: A cultist hit her over the head with a can of cola, m'am.
Hospitalliar: She can't be that badly hurt, it's a soft drink.
you are hereby suspended without pay, and to report for retraining. Failure to do so will have you fired and your qualifications revoked. Failure to leave the premises after your termination of employment will result in the prosecution of the fullest extent of the law, including but not limited to, forcible removal, arrest, subjugation and beheading.
Lord Gatlas wrote: SISTER KORIANDER: Hey sister! an Imperial fist, a Black Templar, and a Salamander are rushing into battle...
SISTER RAVEN: The Imperial Fist hides behind a wall the whole time, the Black Templar get's eaten by a Squiggoth when he charges it, and the Salamander never even gets there.
SISTER KORIANDER: You've heard this one before, haven't you?
I couldn't resist this one. Warning: naughty word.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! What's an Astartes got that a Sister ain't got, anyway?
SISTER RAVEN: 400 pounds of muscle and a 50-50 chance of turning traitor.
SISTER KORIANDER: Um, how about, y'know, a penis?
SISTER RAVEN: After all the steroids they take?
SISTER KORIANDER: Good point.
SISTER RAVEN: Actually, it's a very small point.
[Edited on 12/4 to add that last line, just to make everything worse.]
Note to fanboys: Yes, I'm well aware that the "Astartes are neuter" idea has been pretty thoroughly debunked. That doesn't mean teenage Sisters don't make juvenile jokes about it.
Note to mods: Yes, the last post in this thread was 18 days ago, but the prohibition on thread necromancy only restricts posting in threads that have been dormant "for several weeks." Several = 3-4 weeks, 18 days = 2.6 weeks. So I think I'm within bounds. In short, please don't lock the thread!
Sister 1: Your mother is so heretical that she knows a little bit more about Slaanesh than his/her other cultists... If you know what I mean.
Sister 2: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
And in a shameless bit of self-promotion, let me say my two latest Novice Ginevra stories have a lot of grim snarkiness before they descend into the grim darkness. For example:
"Join the Inquisition, they said. See the galaxy, they said. Save humanity, they said. Do tons of paperwork, they said. Oh wait, they forgot to fething mention that last one, didn't they?"
Thanks. Having read the "notable inquisitors" profiles in the new Codex, I really did want to write up someone who was capable of committing atrocities but still fundamentally sane.
SisterSydney wrote: Thanks. Having read the "notable inquisitors" profiles in the new Codex, I really did want to write up someone who was capable of committing atrocities but still fundamentally sane.
isn't the fundamental prerequisite of being an inquisitor the committing of atrocities?
Yes. The question is whether you're a good team player with the other Inquisitors and Imperial agencies that are also tasked with the commission of atrocities. Don't Exterminatus the planet your fellow Inquisitor is trying to recover archeotech from -- it's not polite!
Rogue Trader deValois: And this, ladies is the gun deck. There are thirty seven Pyros Melta Cannons (for those not in the know, this is a meltagun for 40k starships) on this deck alone.
Sister Superior Tarna: Holy Throne...
Rogue Trader deValois: Each has it's own gun chapel...
*Sister Spathic Faints dead away*
Rogue Trader deValois:...but you'll be posted in the main shrine to the God Emperor.
*Several faces fall*
Rogue Trader deValois: No, you'll like it, the main alter was made from the casing of a melta torpedo used in the defense of Terra against the Warmaster Horus...
*With a sound like dishes falling to the floor, several more siste s faint.*
Sister Gloria: M'lady, I think I can safely speak for us all when I say that we look forward to our long term deployment with you, ma'm.
Since I've already brought us down to the level of dick jokes, why not racism, toilet humor, and gratuitous nudity (in that order):
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! What's the difference between an Astartes and an Ogryn?
SISTER RAVEN: One's a hideous, hulking abhuman who denies the divinity of the Emperor, and the other is faithful enough for the Imperial Guard.
PASSING OGRYN: Hi pretty ladies! Hi!
RAVEN: Also one is way less stuck-up.
OGRYN: Pretty Emprah Daughters pray for Ogryn fight good, okay?
KORIANDER [squeeing]: So cute! It thinks it's people!
***
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! How does an Arbites stir his coffee?
SISTER RAVEN: With a shock maul, obviously.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! How does an Arbites brush his teeth?
SISTER RAVEN: With a shock maul.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! What does an Arbites wipe his bottom with after he goes Number Two?
SISTER RAVEN: Shock maul.
SISTER KORIANDER: How does an Arbites...
SISTER RAVEN: Shock. Maul.
SISTER KORIANDER: I did not know that.
SISTER RAVEN: What, did a Hospitaller drop you on your head when you were a baby?
SISTER KORIANDER: No, but they drop the Arbites!
SISTER RAVEN: And the Commissars. Repeatedly.
PASSING COMMISSAR: Would you care to repeat that, Sister?
SISTER RAVEN: Would you care to have any jurisdiction over me at all, Brother Big Hat?
COMMISSAR: I can file a report with your Superior.
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Brother! Do you know what our Superior wipes her bottom with after she goes Number Two?
***
SISTER KORIANDER: Hey, Sister! Why do our Battle Brothers from the Imperial Guard keep trying to look into our shower tent?
SISTER RAVEN: I - I have no idea.
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh. I was hoping you knew.
SISTER RAVEN: Nope.
SISTER KORIANDER: It's the one place we do not have our beautifully decorated armor or purity seals or cool weapons. There's nothing to look at!
SISTER RAVEN: Guardsmen are weird.
PASSING FEMALE GUARD SOLDIER: Bwahahahahaha!
SISTER RAVEN: Hey! What are you laughing at, Little Sister?
FEMALE GUARD: Ha - heh - snrrrrk - nothing! [sudden terrifying realization] Please don't incinerate me! [runs away]
SISTER RAVEN: Ok, I totally don't get Guardswomen, either.
Sister Spathic: I don't understand your conflict with the male guard regiments.
Guardswomen: Well, it's like this. They think they're superior because the God Emperor saw fit to issue them extra equipment.
Sister Spathic: You mean like lascannons?
Guardswoman: *lights lho stick* Some of them like to think of them as that, but they're mostly just carrying laspistols.
[off-topic]Snrk. Actually, from a biological point of view, women have far more "extra equipment" since they can, y'know, gestate and breast-feed babies. Plus all fetuses apparently start female until the Y chromosome kicks and the vagina, um, inverts from concave to convex.[/off-topic]
No, no, no, we're done with the dick jokes, I'm sorry I ever started it. I'd better join the Repentia ... oh wait, like that'll stop inappropriate sexual comments. Feth.
Sister Spathic: *roasting a undulating carpet of rippers with a heavy flamer* This must be the God Emperor's punishment on me for my indulgence at that 'All You can Eat' shrimp buffet...
General Von MIttlesturm: The tyranids are coming to eat us all!
Sister Gloria: *Whispering* And I can't wait for it. Have you seen some of the tongues those things have?
Sister Spathic: *Whispering* I don't think that she means 'eat' in quite the same way you do.
Sister Gloria: Good, this one had two plasma pistols.
Sister Claire: Don't you feel bad about looting the corpses of your fallen sisters for extra weapons?
Sister Gloria: As I see it, they don't need them any more. Besides, Sister Ries here was a bitch when she was alive. Now she's actually good for something. Imperator Vult.
SisterSydney wrote: No, no, no, we're done with the dick jokes, I'm sorry I ever started it. I'd better join the Repentia ... oh wait, like that'll stop inappropriate sexual comments. Feth.
"Hey baby, wanna hold my eviscerator? It has 2d6 armor penetration..."
And that is why, citizens, I am now approximately 95% cybernetics.
SISTER KORIANDER: Canoness! Canoness! It's terrible!
SISTER RAVEN: Well, it's pretty lousy.
CANONESS NICOLA: What is it, my child?
SISTER KORIANDER: I wanted to buy my best friend Sister Raven an Emperor's Day present, and she has this beautiful bolter with pictures of all the saints 'n' stuff, but I didn't have enough money, so I sold my Eviscerator....
SISTER RAVEN: Except I'd already sold my bolter to get enough money to buy her a set of extra-sacred spare chains for her Eviscerator. So yeah.
CANONESS NICOLA: Wait, you sold your weapons?
SISTER KORIANDER: Ah, well...
CANONESS NICOLA: Your Sisterhood-issued weapons?
SISTER RAVEN: Um.
CANONESS: Who to?
SISTER RAVEN: I think you mean "to whom," Canoness.
CANONESS: Grammar nazis are heretics. Shut up.
SISTER KORIANDER: We sold them to the nice wargear shop guy down the road from the convent, ma'am.
CANONESS: The civilian wargear guy who is forbidden by Imperial law by allow to sell anything more powerful than an autogun?
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh.
SISTER RAVEN: I see where the issue might have been there.
CANONESS: 40 lashes and two days' penance on latrine duty for each of you.
SISTER RAVEN: Ma'am!
SISTER KORIANDER: But -- but it's Emperor's Day!
CANONESS: Fine, three days' penance.
SISTER RAVEN & SISTER KORIANDER; [sad faces]
CANONESS: But the guy who bought your weapons off you violated Imperial law and committed heresy by tempting two Sisters into sin.
SISTER KORIANDER: Huh?
CANONESS: So before you get your lashes, go down to his shop, burn him as a heretic, and get your stuff back, m'kay?
SISTER RAVEN & SISTER KORIANDER: Yay!
And they all had a very Merry Emperor's Day, except the wargear shop guy.
SISTER: *looking at a titan* It's huge!
HERETIC MARINE: *looking down* Yes, it is rather.
SISTER: It's beautiful!
HERETIC MARINE: Mmmm... yes....
SISTER: I wish I could see it go to war right now!
HERETIC MARINE: *looks up* I didn't know you felt that way.
SISTER: Oh, yes, I love to see those heretics get smooshed by those big stompy legs, and incinerated by those ginormous cannons!
HERETIC MARINE: Wait, what're you talking about?
SISTER: *looks at the marine* The titan, why?
HERETIC MARINE: *looks down* Oh. Erm...
SISTER: Disgusting Heretic! *Meltagun*
After a long, hard-fought victory on the previously ork-infested planet of Dourmo V, the company of Sisters called to clean up the mess have already departed on their battle-barge, accidentally leaving Novice McCallister behind. The novice, who had some friction with her Superior, takes advantage of the mysterious absence of her comrades.
Novice McCallister: (Indulging on extra rations, finds a small box from an Ork camp titled "Boyz wit' Rottin Soulz") Sister Superior! I'm eating with glutton and watching Xenos rubbish! Better come out and stop me! (Begins playing video)
(Scene opens in an Ork shack with a Nob sitting inside. A Kommando walks to the door and pounds on it enthusiastically.)
Nob: 'Oo'z dere?
Kommando: It'z me, Snakez. I'z got da stuffz.
Nob: Leev it at da door and git da zog outta 'ere, ya git!
Snakez: Whut 'bout da teef?
Nob: Whut teef?
Snakez: Acey sez ya got sum doh fer me.
Nob: Iz dat a fakt? 'Ow much duz I owe ya?
Snakez: Acey sez a tenf of da teef.
Nob: It'z too bad Acey ain't da boss no more.
Snakez: Whaddya sayin'?
Nob: Acey iz upstairs, takin' a baff. 'E'll call fer ya when 'e gets out.
(Snakez begins to look uneasy)
Nob: Oi, Snakez, ya git! Tell ya whut I'm gunna give ya! (Grabs a shoota from under his desk). I'm gunna give ya to da kount of ten ta git yer sneakin', purpul, muckin' self offa my propatee befer I dakka ya to bitz!
Snakez: Alrigh' Jonny, I'z sorree.
Jonny: I'm goin'! Wun... Too... Uh... Whut's afta too?
Snakez: Ten, I fink.
Jonny: Alrigh' then, TEN! (Opens fire on Snakez) WAAAAAAGH!
Novice McCallister: (Covers eyes with fear)
Jonny: (Still firing Shoota at a bloody pile on the ground) WAAAAAAGH!!!! ...Keep da extra, ya git!
Novice McCallister: (Stops movie immediately) SISTERS!
KommissarKiln wrote: After a long, hard-fought victory on the previously ork-infested planet of Dourmo V, the company of Sisters called to clean up the mess have already departed on their battle-barge, accidentally leaving Novice McCallister behind. The novice, who had some friction with her Superior, takes advantage of the mysterious absence of her comrades.
Novice McCallister: (Indulging on extra rations, finds a small box from an Ork camp titled "Boyz wit' Rottin Soulz") Sister Superior! I'm eating with glutton and watching Xenos rubbish! Better come out and stop me! (Begins playing video)
(Scene opens in an Ork shack with a Nob sitting inside. A Kommando walks to the door and pounds on it enthusiastically.)
Nob: 'Oo'z dere?
Kommando: It'z me, Snakez. I'z got da stuffz.
Nob: Leev it at da door and git da zog outta 'ere, ya git!
Snakez: Whut 'bout da teef?
Nob: Whut teef?
Snakez: Acey sez ya got sum doh fer me.
Nob: Iz dat a fakt? 'Ow much duz I owe ya?
Snakez: Acey sez a tenf of da teef.
Nob: It'z too bad Acey ain't da boss no more.
Snakez: Whaddya sayin'?
Nob: Acey iz upstairs, takin' a baff. 'E'll call fer ya when 'e gets out.
(Snakez begins to look uneasy)
Nob: Oi, Snakez, ya git! Tell ya whut I'm gunna give ya! (Grabs a shoota from under his desk). I'm gunna give ya to da kount of ten ta git yer sneakin', purpul, muckin' self offa my propatee befer I dakka ya to bitz!
Snakez: Alrigh' Jonny, I'z sorree.
Jonny: I'm goin'! Wun... Too... Uh... Whut's afta too?
Snakez: Ten, I fink.
Jonny: Alrigh' then, TEN! (Opens fire on Snakez) WAAAAAAGH!
Novice McCallister: (Covers eyes with fear)
Jonny: (Still firing Shoota at a bloody pile on the ground) WAAAAAAGH!!!! ...Keep da extra, ya git!
Novice McCallister: (Stops movie immediately) SISTERS!
I don't get it. Why would a sister be afraid of an Ork mobster flick?
SISTER KORIANDER: Canoness! Canoness! It's terrible!
SISTER RAVEN: Well, it's pretty lousy.
CANONESS NICOLA: What is it, my child?
SISTER KORIANDER: I wanted to buy my best friend Sister Raven an Emperor's Day present, and she has this beautiful bolter with pictures of all the saints 'n' stuff, but I didn't have enough money, so I sold my Eviscerator....
SISTER RAVEN: Except I'd already sold my bolter to get enough money to buy her a set of extra-sacred spare chains for her Eviscerator. So yeah.
CANONESS NICOLA: Wait, you sold your weapons?
SISTER KORIANDER: Ah, well...
CANONESS NICOLA: Your Sisterhood-issued weapons?
SISTER RAVEN: Um.
CANONESS: Who to?
SISTER RAVEN: I think you mean "to whom," Canoness.
CANONESS: Grammar nazis are heretics. Shut up.
SISTER KORIANDER: We sold them to the nice wargear shop guy down the road from the convent, ma'am.
CANONESS: The civilian wargear guy who is forbidden by Imperial law by allow to sell anything more powerful than an autogun?
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh.
SISTER RAVEN: I see where the issue might have been there.
CANONESS: 40 lashes and two days' penance on latrine duty for each of you.
SISTER RAVEN: Ma'am!
SISTER KORIANDER: But -- but it's Emperor's Day!
CANONESS: Fine, three days' penance.
SISTER RAVEN & SISTER KORIANDER; [sad faces]
CANONESS: But the guy who bought your weapons off you violated Imperial law and committed heresy by tempting two Sisters into sin.
SISTER KORIANDER: Huh?
CANONESS: So before you get your lashes, go down to his shop, burn him as a heretic, and get your stuff back, m'kay?
SISTER RAVEN & SISTER KORIANDER: Yay!
And they all had a very Merry Emperor's Day, except the wargear shop guy.
Only it turned out the wargear shop guy was an Ork wearing a mask with a small army of gretchins hidden under the booth from which he operated, all of which were clapping their hands.
SisterSydney wrote: "Mary, darling, the Schola is simply the best education in the Imperium for our little ones."
"Yes, George, darling, but neither of us is dead, so.... Wait! No! Put that down!"
[BLAM]
"Now, where did I put those forms...."
pretre wrote:As to no psykers, of course we wouldn't have psykers. Suffer not the Witch to live!
SisterSydney wrote:Except for Inquisitors and sanctioned psykers and astropaths and Librarians and gak like that, because being officially okay'd means they're technically not witches, but they'd better keep proving their worth to the God-Emperor every fething day because if they take one step, ONE STEP out of line, God-Emperor help me, I will fething purge you so fething hard your fething grandchildren will catch fire, can you read THAT intention in my mind, you fething psyker FREAK?!
SISTER KORIANDER: Perhaps a chill pill would be in order, Sister? SISTER RAVEN (breathing heavily): No.... No.... I'm ... I'm better now.
MrFlutterPie wrote:This about sums it up. However, I still like to think that the Sisters are quietly disgusted with even the "sanctioned" pyskers.
SisterSydney wrote:SISTER RAVEN: [eye twitching] What part of that struck you as quiet?[/eye twitching]
Ok, trying to bring this back on topic as much as there can said to be an on-topic:
Q: What did the squad of Sororitas Novices say when they first saw a Squat warrior in all his martial glory! A: Look at the cute widdle man! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Q: What did the Squat say? A: What? Q: What did the SQUAT say? A: I can't hear you! It's all the squeeing! Q: WHAT DID YOU SAY? A: WHAT DID YOU SAY? SQUAT: THIS HURTS ME EARS, I SAID. NOVICES: He said "me ears"! In a little Scots accent! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Tyranid Hive Fleet that was sneaking up on the Squat runs away covering its ... whatever Tyranids hear with. A happy ending!) GW EMPLOYEE: Curses! Foiled again! Q: WHAT? GE EMPLOYER: Oh never fething mind.
SisterSydney wrote: 17"? Doesn't 6" move plus 6" dismount plus 6" melta range = 18"? Or am I missing something?
I was missing something: i was counting the 1" from the front of the rhino to 1st door. But then realised you'd 180° it anyway....
SisterSydney wrote:Now I have a mental image of a Rhino roaring up towards the objective, spinning through a 180-degree "bootlegger reverse" like the General Lee in the old Dukes of Hazard TV show, dropping the rear ramp... And then the Sisters stagger out dizzy and nauseous to collapse on the ground.
CoteazRox wrote:
SisterSydney wrote: Now I have a mental image of a Rhino roaring up towards the objective, spinning through a 180-degree "bootlegger reverse" like the General Lee in the old Dukes of Hazard TV show, dropping the rear ramp... Sisters propelled out of the open door, wildly flailing their arms, before landing on their feet 6" away while screaming For the Emperor!.
Fixed it.
MrFlutterPie wrote:Haha the Emperor protects
SisterSydney wrote:SISTER KORIANDER: The Emperor protects!
SISTER RAVEN: From motion sickness?
SISTER KORIANDER: Yup, and unwanted pregnancy!
SISTER RAVEN: What.
SISTER KORIANDER: I said, unwanted pregn....
SISTER RAVEN: How did you find out THAT?!? SISTER KORIANDER (smiling entirely too much & not looking Raven in the eyes): Read it somewhere.
Errr, I'd better cross post this discussion in the Sororitas jokes thread and stop derailing the tactics thread now....
Then you're obviously a heretic that needs to bathe in fire to cleanse yourself. I recommend doing it two to three times a day until the mutations stop.
Uh, Wot'z a Vy-er-us? I just keep going on as normal until everything goes back to normal. It works just as well as you think. And when that doesn't work, you just slag the old one and use it fer Gubbinz & Bitz fer da nekst wun.
Ha! I suppose that Sisters would assign a very different meaning to the term "firewall"...
"Sister, it appears that the cogitator picked up a virus. Should we call the Mechan- "No! I have been trained in these matters. We must first set up a firewall to prevent further attacks." "Oh, okay. I'll just stand asi-" "NO MORE UNHOLY VIRUSES SHALL PASS THROUGH THESE WALLS! AVE IMPERATOR!" "Sister, what are you do- OH FE-!"
A young blood claw of the Space Wolves is captured by the Chaos forces, but they have already sacrificed every imperial guard they needed to,
so they decide to laugh a little. They tell him that if he success over three trials, he will be free to go. The first trial consists on drinking a whole barrel of denatured alcohol,
but they don't know that the young one is a Fenrisian, where they piss far away from the bonfires cause its flammable. He down it in one and asks for another one.
Finally, he burps and asks for the other two trials.
The Chaos Champion, a little pissed off says...
-"In the next trial, you will have to kill with your bare hands a Carnifex that lives in that cave,
and in the last one, you will have to make love to a Sister of Battle maiden till she faints."-
They took the blood claw to the cave. Some minutes after he disappears into the darkness, some horrible screams start coming out from there.
Finally, they stop. Everybody in front of the cave think the space wolf is dead when suddenly, the bloodcurdling howls start again even louder and then stop.
Its like this for some time, with so terribly louder noises, that some of the heretics had to pass a morale check to avoid fleeing.
Finally the Space Wolf appears, puffs, and says...
-"For Russ! it was hard to make it faint... Now, where the hell is that maiden i have to kill with my bare hands?"-
Happyjew wrote: Of course not. I may be self-righteous elitest, but those who purge the unclean are always welcome to enjoy a good laugh with Cegorach.
Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again!
Last time I awoke in the middle of the desert with a not thanking for the free kidney!
So a Sororitas walks into a pet store and looks at the selection while the owner brings in some new stock.
She stops at the first cage and stares at the Catachan Devil saying, "Too dangerous" before walking on to the next cage.
She stops at the second cage and frowns at the Squig saying, "Too chaotic" before walking by to the last cage.
She smiles as she watches a Pyrovore burn the store owner alive screaming, "Perfect!"
It just goes to show you, put a Pyrovore on a leash and in the hands of the Adepta Sororitas, and you have a match made in heaven.
Unyielding Hunger wrote: So a Sororitas walks into a pet store and looks at the selection while the owner brings in some new stock. She stops at the first cage and stares at the Catachan Devil saying, "Too dangerous" before walking on to the next cage. She stops at the second cage and frowns at the Squig saying, "Too chaotic" before walking by to the last cage. She smiles as she watches a Pyrovore burn the store owner alive screaming, "Perfect!"
It just goes to show you, put a Pyrovore on a leash and in the hands of the Adepta Sororitas, and you have a match made in heaven.
This just makes me want to get SoB just to run them alongside my Nids in Apocalypse with the Fuel Line fortification thingie from Stronghold Assault.
Remember, build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
Psienesis wrote: I'm not particularly fired up about it, either, but don't let it get you hot under the collar.
The joke just lacked spark. It didn't ignite my passions and I just can't support it. Maybe if it was a bit more committed in the presentation and to the joke I'd be properly heated up. It was just a little flicker of a joke though, not really a proper inferno that it needed to be.
Unyielding Hunger wrote: So a Sororitas walks into a pet store and looks at the selection while the owner brings in some new stock.
She stops at the first cage and stares at the Catachan Devil saying, "Too dangerous" before walking on to the next cage.
She stops at the second cage and frowns at the Squig saying, "Too chaotic" before walking by to the last cage.
She smiles as she watches a Pyrovore burn the store owner alive screaming, "Perfect!"
It just goes to show you, put a Pyrovore on a leash and in the hands of the Adepta Sororitas, and you have a match made in heaven.
This just makes me want to get SoB just to run them alongside my Nids in Apocalypse with the Fuel Line fortification thingie from Stronghold Assault.
Remember, build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
I bought molds so that I can build those Promethium Relays. I just need an apocalypse board's worth of Pyrovores.
A Pyrovore and a Sororitas wind up competing against each other in a test of skill.
The sister steps forward and releases an impressive gout of flame before smirking and looking back at the Pyrovore.
The Pyrovore inhales but snorts for a second before sneezing out and even large burst of flame into the air. The first round is given to the Pyrovore.
The second round begins, and the Pyrovore begins by quickly devouring a full suit of power armor.
The sister laughs and pulls out a melta bomb, using it to destroy a tank. The second round is given to the Sister.
In the third and final round, The Pyrovore injures itself to demonstrate its acidic blood, melting some debris.
The sister pulls out her second melta bomb and throws it on the Pyrovore and dives behind a rock as it explodes, killing most of the audience and several judges. Victory for the Sister.
Unyielding Hunger wrote: So a Sororitas walks into a pet store and looks at the selection while the owner brings in some new stock.
She stops at the first cage and stares at the Catachan Devil saying, "Too dangerous" before walking on to the next cage.
She stops at the second cage and frowns at the Squig saying, "Too chaotic" before walking by to the last cage.
She smiles as she watches a Pyrovore burn the store owner alive screaming, "Perfect!"
It just goes to show you, put a Pyrovore on a leash and in the hands of the Adepta Sororitas, and you have a match made in heaven.
This just makes me want to get SoB just to run them alongside my Nids in Apocalypse with the Fuel Line fortification thingie from Stronghold Assault.
Remember, build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for the night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
I bought molds so that I can build those Promethium Relays. I just need an apocalypse board's worth of Pyrovores.
A Pyrovore and a Sororitas wind up competing against each other in a test of skill.
The sister steps forward and releases an impressive gout of flame before smirking and looking back at the Pyrovore.
The Pyrovore inhales but snorts for a second before sneezing out and even large burst of flame into the air. The first round is given to the Pyrovore.
The second round begins, and the Pyrovore begins by quickly devouring a full suit of power armor.
The sister laughs and pulls out a melta bomb, using it to destroy a tank. The second round is given to the Sister.
In the third and final round, The Pyrovore injures itself to demonstrate its acidic blood, melting some debris.
The sister pulls out her second melta bomb and throws it on the Pyrovore and dives behind a rock as it explodes, killing most of the audience and several judges. Victory for the Sister.
*Victory for the Meltabomb.
A Guardsman could have won that contest just as easily the way you describe it.
A Guardsman could have won that contest just as easily the way you describe it.
I will admit it is one of the more lame jokes I have. Here is one of my more controversial jokes for a change in pace.
The Swarmlord walks into a bar, seeing Lukas the Trickster and St. Celestine arguing out front. The Swarmlord orders a drink and eyes several of the Sororitas around the area, realizing that an Order must recently have gotten in on leave, and he might just get lucky tonight. Outside, he sees Lukas push Celestine into a puddle on the side of the street. She gets up, soaking wet and screams incoherently at him as she storms away from the Space Wolf. Lukas chuckles as he enters the bar and quickly orders a drink next to the Swarmlord.
He notices the Sisters have captured his attention and says, "So, eager to try the new stock?"
The Swarmlord shakes his head and replies, "I wish, most women can't get past the fact I have more than 2 arms. To be honest, I am more than a little surprised that you are so quick to throw away a relationship with someone as beautiful as that lady out there."
Lukas laughs and takes another sip. "If there is one thing I have learned from dating that woman, it's that no matter how many times I knock her down, she eventually gets right back up and comes back for more."
ClockworkZion wrote: Ah yes, the "Sisters of Cleaning". A covenant of apparently nymphomaniac Sisters who are charged with cleaning things and not being naughty at all.
No, I don't get the appeal either.
In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only sexual frustration....
ClockworkZion wrote: Ah yes, the "Sisters of Cleaning". A covenant of apparently nymphomaniac Sisters who are charged with cleaning things and not being naughty at all.
No, I don't get the appeal either.
In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only sexual frustration....
Well if you're the kind of person who is "frustrated" all the time in real life I guess I'd see the appeal. Otherwise it's an group of sexed up Sororitas (again) being put into stereotypical women's roles (again) and basically the only thing new is that they flipped roles on which side gets to be perverts and which are the pure hearted maidens (or Guard in most cases). Not enough there to make me even chuckle honestly.
I find some of the Sisters of Cleaning stuff fairly funny. But yeah, it is a cliched approach to humor. That's why this thread is mostly jokes that aren't about gender or sexuality at all, but rather about the things that make the Sisters unique(ly crazy).
SisterSydney wrote: I find some of the Sisters of Cleaning stuff fairly funny. But yeah, it is a cliched approach to humor. That's why this thread is mostly jokes that aren't about gender or sexuality at all, but rather about the things that make the Sisters unique(ly crazy).
Yeah, cliche humor doesn't really tickle my funny bone.
SisterSydney wrote: I find some of the Sisters of Cleaning stuff fairly funny. But yeah, it is a cliched approach to humor. That's why this thread is mostly jokes that aren't about gender or sexuality at all, but rather about the things that make the Sisters unique(ly crazy).
Aye, I agree. I much prefer humour that pokes fun at the SoB mindset rather than their gender. Not to say that humour on gender can never be funny, it's just not so much to my taste.
sing your life wrote: I found the SOC to be really well written, even if they are chiched.
I did laugh at some of them, I'll admit. If only for how "out there" the premise was.
Though my favourites were the ones with the guardsman raising a chicken.
SisterSydney wrote: What really matters is the interaction among the real, live people playing the game. If you decide your character turns on the rest of the party at a critical moment, for whatever reason, saying "this is in character for her" doesn't make it less of a jerk move by you towards the other players -- unless everyone expects and enjoys a game with backstabbing and lethal conflict between player characters, in which case they'll be high-giving you.
On the other hand, if you and the Ork player as real people get a good back and forth going, it could be comedy gold: the Ork doing all sorts of heretical, socially inappropriate, or just plain disgusting things; the Sister quietly seething with her finger trembling on the trigger, or praying for patience, or trying to tell him off, or even trying to (ha!) enlighten him; and the Ork of course blissfully misunderstanding and responding in even more hilariously inappropriate ways ("Hey, Sistah, you looks like you wants to krump sumtpin. Let's krump dat priesty git!"). It's especially fun because the Ork, while asexual, fits all the stereotypes of the sloppy male yob while the Sister can act like a stereotypically uptight and frustrated wife in a sitcom....
Alternatively, think of the Ork as a big green Homer Simpson and the Sister as a female Ned Flanders with a flamethrower.
Smacks wrote: It does kind of sound like the beginning of an odd-couple buddy cop-movie. You should make sure that if the ork is listening to the radio while driving the landspeeder, you immediately switch the station to something that he doesn't like... *hilarity ensues*
This. Can we make this the next 40K fan movie please?
I can totally see the trailer already. Warning: Hollywoodization ahead.
EXTERIOR SHOT - A DYSTOPIAN CITY - NIGHT
The camera pans past GOTHIC SPIRES as a POLICE SIREN wails.
THAT VOICE-OVER GUY: In a galaxy choking on corruption....
INTERIOR SHOT - ARMORY - NIGHT
CLOSE UP from BEHIND on a SEXY FEMALE putting on HIGH-TECH ARMOR.
THAT VOICE-OVER GUY: ....she's the purest there is.
The female TURNS -- we still don't see her face, she's only in frame from the NECK DOWN.
THAT VOICE-OVER GUY: But Sister Maria Kickassia....
Her GAUNTLETED HANDS pull out a HUGE GUN and perform a COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY COCKING ACTION to make a COOL NOISE.
THAT VOICE-OVER GUY: ...is about to get a big, green surprise.
INTERIOR – INQUISITOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT
INQUISITOR (played by Mark Hamill): I’d like you to meet your new partner, Thogsnot.
WHIP PAN to show THOGSNOT, a HUGE GREEN ORK (played by Duane “the Rock” Johnson in green prosthetics), with his FINGER up his NOSE.
Sound effect: RECORD SCRATCH.
SISTER OF BATTLE (played by Amy Adams): What.
THOGSNOT pulls something out of his NOSE. It is MOVING.
THOGSNOT: Oi !
He eats it.
SISTER KICKASSIA: Oh hell no.
The soundtrack switches to “Who Let the Dogs Out,” because clichés.
INTERIOR – GRIMDARK GOTHIC INDOOR BASKETBALL COURT – DAY
Sister Kickassia is poring over huge TOMES with a grimdark gothic PRIEST (Ray Romano).
SISTER KICKASSIA: There’s got to be some mistake!
PRIEST: Well, there’s no rule saying an Ork CAN’T be on the team....
They both LOOK UP as Thogsnot SLAM DUNKS a basketball. RECORD SCRATCH.
INTERIOR – PATROL CAR – DAY
LOUD MUSIC is playing on the RADIO. Sister Kickassia reaches over and turns it to a station playing HYMNS.
THOGSNOT: Oi !
SISTER KICKASSIA: Look, I don’t like you, you don’t like me....
THOGSNOT: I likes you.
RECORD SCRATCH.
EXTERIOR – GRIMDARK GOTHIC SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD – NIGHT
Thogsnot and Sister Kickassia are watching some UNSAVORY TYPES doing business in a GRIMDARK ALLEY.
THOGSNOT: So we’s gonna krump da gitz?
SISTER KICKASSIA: Listen, Ork, we’re not “krumping” anybody.
THOGSNOT: Awww!
SISTER KICKASSIA: This is MY op and we’re doing it by the book.
THOGSNOT: Wut, we’s gonna killz ’em wit BOOKZ?
SISTER KICKASSIA: No, we’re burning them to death.
THOGSNOT: M’kay.
RAPID FIRE MONTAGE OF TYPICAL ACTION MOVIE STUFF
THAT VOICEOVER GUY: She’s a hard-as-nails xenocidal religious fanatic.
SHOOTING and stuff happens.
THAT VOICEOVER GUY: He’s a sentient fungus with an attitude.
More SHOOTING. Possibly EXPLOSIONS.
THAT VOICEOVER GUY: Together – they fight crime.
Definitely some EXPLOSIONS. Thogsnot and Sister Kickassia do a POWER WALK away from a HUGE FIREBALL.
SISTER KICKASSIA: You know, Ork, you aren’t half-bad at this.
THOGSNOT: You krumps da gitz okay too, Sistah.
SISTER KICKASSIA: I. Do. Not. KRUMP.
RECORD SCRATCH.
INTERIOR – GRIMDARK GOTHIC NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Thogsnot claps as Sister Kickassia is KRUMPING.
CLUBGOERS: Go Sistah, go Sistah, go!
INTERIOR – GRIMDARK BAD GUY HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT
BAD GUY (Gary Oldman): I am the bad guy of the movie!
RECORD SCRATCH.
BAD GUY: Okay, see, now you’re overusing it.
RECORD SCRATCH.
BAD GUY: I have a BAFTA award, you prick!
RECORD SCRATCH.
GARY OLDMAN storms off the set, pursued by a chorus of RECORD SCRATCHES.
INTERIOR – GRIMDARK WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
Thogsnot and Sister Kickassia are taking cover behind a STACK OF CRATES as BAD GUY MINIONS shoot at them with GUNS BEYOND NUMBER.
THOGSNOT: Oi, what’s we’s gonna do, Sistah?
SISTER KICKASSIA: We’re gonna krump da gitz.
RECORD SCRATCH.
They BURST FROM COVER and there is SO MUCH SHOOTING AND EXPLOSIONS AND STUFF you cannot believe it, seriously.
THAT VOICE-OVER GUY: This summer.... get ready to KRUMP.
The screen goes BLACK. Then the title comes up: SISTAH KRUMP.
THAT VOICE-OVER GUY: This film is not yet rated.
[Edited to de-Americanize the Ork's dialogue by adding lots of "oi" and "gitz," because Americans loved Crocodile Dundee, and Australians are, like, almost the same thing, right?]
Cross-posted from a thread about homebrewed Sororitas Valkyries, about how it's possible to fit 12 power-armored Sisters in the same space as 12 flak-jacketed guardsmen:
ELYSIAN DROP TROOPER (looking into Sororitas Valkyrie): Gee, they pack you girls in tight, don't they? SISTER KORIANDER: It's our shapely hips! SISTER RAVEN: And inch-think armour. ELYSIAN: Don't you need more room? SISTER KORIANDER: Nope! SISTER RAVEN: We don't smell as bad as you guys do, you see. [beat] ELYSIAN: Damn, girl. [Elysian walks away and, as soon as he's out of sight, starts sniffing his underarms] ELYSIAN: Damn, she's right.
All I can think of is a Death Skulls ork named Fozzgob in a dilapidated homburg and loud bowtie standing before a crowd shouting "WAAAGH-A WAAAGH-A WAAAGH-A!" Behind him of course is a grot on a drum set.
"OI! JUST FLEW BACK FRUM ARMA... ARMAGETTEM OR SUMMAT AN' BOY ARE ME GROTZ' ARMS TIRED!"
*The grot tries for a rimshot and fails*
"ZOGGIN' 'ECK! TRY THAT AGAIN!"
*The grot fails at the rimshot again*
"ROIGHT. 'OLD ON."
*Fozzgob runs into the crowd, sneaks up behind an Imperial Fist and krumps him good, then grabs something from the fallen Marine's gear. He runs up to the grot, smacks him on the head with the Marine's gear*
"TRY IT AGAIN!"
*rimshot*
"S'BAD WHEN YOU GOTTA LOOT RIMSHOT DRILL DURING YER ACT, INNIT? AND WOTZA DEAL WIV FOOD ONNA BOMMER? AM I RIGHT? YOU GET DRIED OUT SQUIG OR DRIED OUT FUNGUS."
*A random Weirdboy shouts out "Izza same fing!" from the crowd*
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH"
*The Weirdboy shouts "MY BRAIN 'URTZ!" shortly before his head explodes*
"STOOPID 'ECKLERZ! ROIGHT, WHERE WOZ I? OH ROIGHT. WAZZA DIFFERENZ BETWEEN A BURNA BOY AN' A SISTER OF BATTLE? ABOUT 30 OCTANE!"
PaperworkNinja wrote: All I can think of is a Death Skulls ork named Fozzgob in a dilapidated homburg and loud bowtie standing before a crowd shouting "WAAAGH-A WAAAGH-A WAAAGH-A!" Behind him of course is a grot on a drum set.
"OI! JUST FLEW BACK FRUM ARMA... ARMAGETTEM OR SUMMAT AN' BOY ARE ME GROTZ' ARMS TIRED!"
*The grot tries for a rimshot and fails*
"ZOGGIN' 'ECK! TRY THAT AGAIN!"
*The grot fails at the rimshot again*
"ROIGHT. 'OLD ON."
*Fozzgob runs into the crowd, sneaks up behind an Imperial Fist and krumps him good, then grabs something from the fallen Marine's gear. He runs up to the grot, smacks him on the head with the Marine's gear*
"TRY IT AGAIN!"
*rimshot*
"S'BAD WHEN YOU GOTTA LOOT RIMSHOT DRILL DURING YER ACT, INNIT? AND WOTZA DEAL WIV FOOD ONNA BOMMER? AM I RIGHT? YOU GET DRIED OUT SQUIG OR DRIED OUT FUNGUS."
*A random Weirdboy shouts out "Izza same fing!" from the crowd*
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH"
*The Weirdboy shouts "MY BRAIN 'URTZ!" shortly before his head explodes*
"STOOPID 'ECKLERZ! ROIGHT, WHERE WOZ I? OH ROIGHT. WAZZA DIFFERENZ BETWEEN A BURNA BOY AN' A SISTER OF BATTLE? ABOUT 30 OCTANE!"
*rimshot*
"FANK YOO AN' ZOG OFF!"
SISTER KORIANDER: That was a medium skit.
SISTER RAVEN: A medium skit?
SISTER KORIANDER: Yeah. It wasn't rare and it certainly wasn't well done.
BOTH: Doh-ho-ho-ho.
Trick question; the light from the Sisters of Battle's burning monastery is more than enough.
Pft. He killed Sisters one time. And then he did a really nice job the WD codex.
Change "Ward" to "GW Writers" and you'd be dead on though.
Sanctuary 101. Never forget.
Actually, Sanctuary 101 just came about from a (reportedly lopsided) battle report back when the Necrons were introduced. It was Sisters vs Necrons, Necrons won, and it ended up getting intergrated into the fluff as the Imperium's first contact with the Necrons. And even then, after Hammer and Anvil... Well, the Sisters very much get their own back.
I was fond of the dealing with the heckler part myself. It also makes me wonder why no one has ever done up their weirdboyz like the Gumbys from Monty Python.
SISTER RAVEN: Koriander, can you summon an tech adept, all the lights are burned out in the SIlent Sister's Chapel.
SISTER KORIANDER: I didnt know that, they haven't complained.
Q - How many underhive gangers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A - Change?! Those bulbs are archeotech and worth a bit o' y change. Boys, lets take them all!