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Dear Hugonaut of Heff,

I'm afraid that the particular Sororitas you mentioned have already signed an exclusive contract with Vizium magazine. For that reason they are forbade from posing in any other publications. However, if you asked their Canoness nicely I'm sure she could find an available Order.

Oh, and thank you for the subscription. I'd been meaning to start buying your magazines a while ago, as I very much enjoyed your Tau issue, Babes in Blue, but unfortunately my attention has been taken by my usual duties.

Yours Helpfully,

Teh Spess Emprah.


Dear Mr Emperor,

Have you heard the good news? Christ's second coming is imminent, and soon the day of judgement shall be at hand\?

Would you like a leaflet? It has offers for discounts on guaranteed passage into heaven and novelty crucifixes.

Do consider joining us!

Yours,

The Church of Jehovah's Witnesses.

 Squigsquasher wrote:
Dear Mr Emperor,

Have you heard the good news? Christ's second coming is imminent, and soon the day of judgement shall be at hand\?

Would you like a leaflet? It has offers for discounts on guaranteed passage into heaven and novelty crucifixes.

Do consider joining us!

Yours,

The Church of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Dear Mr. Witless

(see what I did there)

You seem to forget, I'm 40,000 years old. I remember Jesus' first coming. And his second. And his third. By his eighth or ninth I was pretty sick of the whole thing and so was he. I mean we spent his whole tenth coming in a bar on Jupiter drinking and betting on the space ponies. I don't even remember his eleventh or twelth coming.

So yeah, next time he's back tell him to drop on by we'll do lunch.

Teh Emporer of Space and Oldest Guy in the Universe

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

My most esteemed master

Recently I met with the Chapter Master to plan our new offensive against the Heretics of Heretic World 7. As we were discussing how to penetrate their fortress the Chapter Master suggested we use Centurions.

I humbly asked how an archaic Legion rank would help us and everyone looked at me like I was nuts.

Finally the Chapter Master suggested I look in Wargear Vault XVII.

But I told him there are only XVI wargear vaults, and as Master of the Armory I would know wouldn't I?

But still he told me to look.

So I passed Wargear Vault XV filled with Thunderfire Cannons and Land Speeder Storms (which I swear was not there a few years ago)

Then I passed Wargear Vault XVI with its Storm Ravens and Storm Talons (and I swear that was not there a few months ago)

And I arrived a door marked Vault XVII!

And I KNOW that was not there yesterday.

But when I opened it it was filled with some kind of Super Space Marine suit. No, not terminator armor, another NEW super space marine suit!



I tried to ask the Chapter Master about them but he just said we always had them. Then he said shut up and stop asking questions.

So I turn to you, the all-knowing Emperor of Space. What's going on here? Is he nuts? Or am I?

Yours

Brother Colt Westin
Master of the Armory

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


My most esteemed master

Recently I met with the Chapter Master to plan our new offensive against the Heretics of Heretic World 7. As we were discussing how to penetrate their fortress the Chapter Master suggested we use Centurions.

I humbly asked how an archaic Legion rank would help us and everyone looked at me like I was nuts.

Finally the Chapter Master suggested I look in Wargear Vault XVII.

But I told him there are only XVI wargear vaults, and as Master of the Armory I would know wouldn't I?

But still he told me to look.

So I passed Wargear Vault XV filled with Thunderfire Cannons and Land Speeder Storms (which I swear was not there a few years ago)

Then I passed Wargear Vault XVI with its Storm Ravens and Storm Talons (and I swear that was not there a few months ago)

And I arrived a door marked Vault XVII!

And I KNOW that was not there yesterday.

But when I opened it it was filled with some kind of Super Space Marine suit. No, not terminator armor, another NEW super space marine suit!



I tried to ask the Chapter Master about them but he just said we always had them. Then he said shut up and stop asking questions.

So I turn to you, the all-knowing Emperor of Space. What's going on here? Is he nuts? Or am I?

Yours

Brother Colt Westin
Master of the Armory

Dear Brother Colt Westin,

First of all, are you sure they weren't there before?
Have you been taking any illicit substances?
Maybe that's it then.
- The Super space Saiyan

Dear Moistre Spess Emprah

Who were the other two Primarchs?
Pls tell

-Jimbles Notrombo

Dear Jimbles Notrombo

I've sent many of my best inquisitors to the GW headquarters, but to no avail. Perhaps, someday I shall return from my throne, and continue my crusade against those fiends and we shall all learn the truth!

Your Favorite God-Emperor
The Emperor


Dear Emperor

Could we not simply clone you a new body? The Magos just glares at me with his laser eye(and it really hurts) when I bring up the subject. Then he hits me, and says get back to shooting the charging orks.

Your Illegitimate Love Child
Fral Leman

 Guardsmen Bob wrote:

Dear Emperor

Could we not simply clone you a new body? The Magos just glares at me with his laser eye(and it really hurts) when I bring up the subject. Then he hits me, and says get back to shooting the charging orks.

Your Illegitimate Love Child
Fral Leman

My dear son, I know not of any "illegitimate" sons, as I am the religion and law of humanity. Everything do is perfectly legal and holds the moral highground.

As for cloning me a new body, the truth of the matter is that my mind and soul are too powerful for a replicated version of my original form, or for any body created through biological means.
If, however you were to find me some necrodermis, I would be very grateful.

- Your eternal (legal) father,

Teh Spess Emprah.

______________________________________-

Dear Mr Empy,

Why are we guardsmen always given the worst equipment in the galaxy?

Yours sincerely,

Pvt. Abouttokasplode.

 Selym wrote:



Dear Mr Empy,

Why are we guardsmen always given the worst equipment in the galaxy?

Yours sincerely,

Pvt. Abouttokasplode.

I don't know what you could possible mean.

As we all know Eldar equipment is ancient and obsolete, necron even more so, ork gear is crude and unreliable, tyranids don't even have equipment just bugs holding bugs that shoot bugs, and marine gear far too expensive for mass production.

Guardsmen truly have the best of all worlds.

Your loving Commander in Chief,
Emporer D'Space

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear my mighty Emporer of Space

As a single father of 18 boys (plus 2 or 3 I seem to have lost track of) I always try to follow the advice laid down in "The Big Book of Fatherhood Tips" by the Space Emporer himself.

For example recently I was in the basement working on my Warhammer 2k army (I have 3000 points of Ground Space Marines and an allied force of 1500 points of NYPD) and I left very strict instructions not to be disturbed. But my son Mags insisted on coming downstairs to tattle tale on my other son Horry. So I yelled at him and then had my other other son Lee beat him up and break all his toys.

Just as you advise on Page 352.

But since then Mags hasn't spoken to me and Horry seems to be running with a bad crowd.

Did I err?

Sincerely

Single Father on Sigma Farstar

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


Dear my mighty Emporer of Space

As a single father of 18 boys (plus 2 or 3 I seem to have lost track of) I always try to follow the advice laid down in "The Big Book of Fatherhood Tips" by the Space Emporer himself.

For example recently I was in the basement working on my Warhammer 2k army (I have 3000 points of Ground Space Marines and an allied force of 1500 points of NYPD) and I left very strict instructions not to be disturbed. But my son Mags insisted on coming downstairs to tattle tale on my other son Horry. So I yelled at him and then had my other other son Lee beat him up and break all his toys.

Just as you advise on Page 352.

But since then Mags hasn't spoken to me and Horry seems to be running with a bad crowd.

Did I err?

Sincerely

Single Father on Sigma Farstar

Dear human.

As you shall find on page 666, paragraph 7, line 4, ignoring your father, or rebelling against him is a heresy. Therefore, I suggest you contact the local arbites force to execute your sons.
It is for the best, as we don't want the empire falling apart again, now do we?

Yours lovingly, Teh Spess Emprah


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear mr emps.

I'm about to be executed for heresy, because I said sausages looked like dicks. The guardsman who told on me quoted me word for word. Should he be executed too?

From Guardsman #14284612525.4

Dear Guardsman #14284612525.4

I don't know why that what you said is considered heresy, the fact is most sausages do indeed look like dicks(some even being made from them in the dark times on Terra).

Give this letter to your executor.

Dear Executor

This is your God-Emperor, and you've been mislead by an agent of chaos. Execute the guardsman that sought to make a fool of me, the one who reported this heresy in the first place.

Hope this helps

Your Favorite Emperor of Space
The God-Emperor.
----

Dear Emperor

I'm almost out of ammo, and they're almost through the bulkhead, send help!

Your Favorite Guardsman
Guardsman Bob

 Guardsmen Bob wrote:


Dear Emperor

I'm almost out of ammo, and they're almost through the bulkhead, send help!

Your Favorite Guardsman
Guardsman Bob

Dear Guardsman Bob,

Fear not, help is on its way! I've ordered a fleet of Imperial Navy to assist you. Currently they're re-fueling their ships by dumping dozens of psykers into the warp drive.
They should be out of the docks within 24 hours, and will take a warp jump that lasts only 6 months in real time!

They should reach you shortly.

Unhelpfully, the emprah of spessssssssssssssssssss


_________________________________

TO DA EMPRAH OF SPESS

I IZ A ORK AND IZ GONNA KILL YU KOZ YU IZ DA UMIEZ BIG BOSS!!

- Boss Grizbitz.

Dear Boss Grizbitz

I don't know how you got this address, but I shall answer you regardless of your message not containing a question.

No, you will not kill me.

With that said, I would like you to enjoy the "special" squig meat that is attached to this parchment. It's guaranteed to blow you away.
--

Dear Emperor

It's been a few months since I received your last message, and as you know I've yet to join you. Indeed, I've managed to survive on this (now) space hulk for quiet a while. I've taken to eating Tyranid meat, but that stuff is horrible, and I've run out of toilet paper.

Is there anything I can use for toilet paper in cargo room #23? I've thought of searching that location, but it's dangerous and I'd like too know if it's worth the risk.

Your Favorite Guardsman
Guardsman Bob

 Guardsmen Bob wrote:

Dear Emperor

It's been a few months since I received your last message, and as you know I've yet to join you. Indeed, I've managed to survive on this (now) space hulk for quiet a while. I've taken to eating Tyranid meat, but that stuff is horrible, and I've run out of toilet paper.

Is there anything I can use for toilet paper in cargo room #23? I've thought of searching that location, but it's dangerous and I'd like too know if it's worth the risk.

Your Favorite Guardsman
Guardsman Bob

Dear Guardsman Bob,

First, thank you for your service.

Secondly, no one knows how important toilet paper is as much as I do what with me sitting on the Throne for 10 million years or whatever. So I totally sympathize with your plight.

You'll be glad to know that Cargo Room 23 contains several boxes of death notifications which are required for the families of your lost comrades to collect their generous death benefits. They're also printed on quite soft paper and should meet your needs.

Remember to charge your las gun though, and always, always, always check those vent grates. You never know when a ripper is going to jump out.

Yours in sympathy

The Emporer in Chief


-----------------------------------

Help me Teh Space Emporer you're only my hope!

My world is under siege by the horrid Xenos known as Orks! I have petitioned the High Lords of Terra for assistance calling for Regiments of the Imperial Guard and especially the elite Storm Trooper battallions! But my request was returned saying there was 'No such entity in the Imperium of Man'!

How can this be? The Imperial Guard has been the Hammer of the Emperor and the Shield of Humanity for over 10,000 Light Years since the dark days of the Horus Heresy when the Imperial Army was restructured! How can any sane person claim there is no such entity!

Please Teh Space Emporer, help us!

Governor Augustus Pompus Regallus Fakus Latinus Namus
Nova Pompei Primus

Deer Puny Humie
Az uzual, da boyz iz too much for ya I see. Make sure you give em a good fight! Ain't nobody comin ta..

Mork, get out

Dear Governor
As usual this confusion has spawned from the foul machinations of the ruinous powers. Time and causality are like diverse streams flowing into the same river. It would appear that Tzeentch has simply tweaked continuity and caused the Guard to be renamed into something silly and gothic. (He seems to think it's funny, it's kind of sad really.)
Rest assured aside from this minor hiccup in the fabric of reality, the universe remains exactly the same as you remember it. A battalion of squats has been dispersed to your locale. (There's always plenty around.)

_____________________________________________________________________
Dearest Teh Emprah
When you finally die, what's gonna happen? Also, can I have your stuff?
Sincerly Smapdi, over 8

Dear Smapdi, over 8.

When I eventually die, the universe will collapse. No more soldiers will be trained, no more enemies will arise, and no more books will be written. Any who survive the collapse will use books, and soldiers of old to continue a fruitless battle. Once the last memories of our great past are gone, there will only be silence.

Sadly, now that you know this, I cannot permit you to live. *You're head blows up*
----

Dear Emperor

After several months of tyranids, 'toilet paper', and no showers, I've finally made it off that Space Hulk! Praise be to you! Sadly, you're mercy has delivered me into the hands of Dark Eldar space pirates. I've heard them talk about removing some of my parts, and replacing them with other things.

Please send more help.

You're Favorite Guardsman
Guardsman Fral Bob Leman

Dear guardsmen Bob,

Unfortunately we cannot aid you against the Dark eldar, if it weren't for my meddling kids I would have built a webway portal capable of sending aid directly to you. But gak happens so all I can actually do is give you a posthumous promotion and send a card to your family. Enjoy eternal tentacles.

Yours sincerely, The Emperor of Mankind. Titles, titles etc etc.



Dear Lord of Mankind,

Your health insurance with BUPA healthcare is about to expire. We would like to take this moment to thank you for you loyalty to the company, however we have decided to decline your request for another 10 millennia on life support systems to cut down on our carbon footprint. Have a nice day.

Yours sincerely Mr Alpharius definintlynotprimarchofthealphalegion. Head of BUPA

Dear Alpharius, you sneaky little rascal of a son,

Don't worry. I reinstated Britain yesterday and I'm on the NHS now. Unlimited free healthcare is wonderful.

Which reminds me, I must make a chapter of Space Marines inspired by Beefeaters. Shame bears went extinct last Tuesday...

Yours smugly (and incredibly Britishly),

The Spess Emprah.

Dear Worthless Corpse,

I'm suffering from a severe stress disorder. Whenever I see a METAL BAWKS- sorry, Rhino based vehicle, I suffer from horrible fits of rage and anger. It's giving rise to concerns amongst my own legion and is scaring my wife. The last time I had one of these panic attacks, I got a letter from Khorne recommending anger management therapy.

What do I do? I can't carry on being a Chaos Lord of the Alpha Legion with this irrational hatred of MEEEEEETAAAAAAAL BAAAAWWWWKSES- sorry, tanks...

Yours furiously (and apologetically),

Firaeveus Carron of the Alpha Legion.

Dear Worthless Corpse,

I'm suffering from a severe stress disorder. Whenever I see a METAL BAWKS- sorry, Rhino based vehicle, I suffer from horrible fits of rage and anger. It's giving rise to concerns amongst my own legion and is scaring my wife. The last time I had one of these panic attacks, I got a letter from Khorne recommending anger management therapy.

What do I do? I can't carry on being a Chaos Lord of the Alpha Legion with this irrational hatred of MEEEEEETAAAAAAAL BAAAAWWWWKSES- sorry, tanks...

Yours furiously (and apologetically),

Firaeveus Carron of the Alpha Legion.

Dear Freddie

Oh #$%^ing tell me about it!

I mean I remember telling Roboute that the Space Marine rides should have some flair like those awesome Tauroxen the IG got, but he was all 'Rhinos are tactically superior' and blah blah blah. But when I see them, all I can see is soccer mom minivans.

Yours in sympathy
Teh

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello?

Is there anyone there?

Can you hear me?

I don't know where I am.

I don't know how I got here.

It's dark.

And so very cold.

Sometimes I hear voices in the distance, they sound like my old friends Al-Rahem and Chenkov, but I can never quite hear them or find where the voices are coming from.

I want to go back.

I want to fight again.

Please help me.

Guardsman Sly Marbo
Location unknown

Dear Guardsman Sly Marbo

You fought the good fight, and it's time for you and your fellow warriors to rest. Look for a light and follow it, for it is my light, the Light of Terra. Here you shall find peace, until the end of days. And when that end comes, the living world will have need of you once more.

Your God Emperor.
---

Dear Emperor

I fear I can no longer sit down, or walk on my feet. The sinful pleasure is to much to bear. However, I'd like to thank you for reminding me of the webway. I was able to escape though one on a stolen hover board thing.

I'm currently being hunted on an unknown jungle world, and once again I need help. Any help will be appreciated.

Your Favorite Guardsman
Guardsmen Bob

Dear guardsman Bob,
You have in your hands alien technology and so shall be exterminated! Aliens are Xenos, and unclean. Purge the Unclean!

Dear Emperor,
My ship has been lost for five hundred years and I have come out of the warp with a giant space-octopus latched onto our craft.
What should I do?
Regards,
The small orphaned child trooper Finn with only a bayonet.

Dear Finn the human,

I'm afraid your simply going to have to write a letter of goodbyes to princess bubble gum and Jake, princess rainicorn and all your friends. Enjoy giving your life for the greater good of Mankind and I shall see you in heaven, or sovngarde or wherever it is we go.

Hugs and kisses,
The Emperor


Dear emperor man type thing.

Kill yourself.

Yours faithlessly, random cultist

Dear random Cultist,
Go worship your outlandish Gods but don't come whining back to me when you endure a lifetime of torture and madness.
Sincerely, the Emperor.

Dear man on the Golden Throne,
I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU! BE MINE FOREVER AND EVER FOR ETERNITY!
Love from,
The Sisters of Battle.

The Sisters of Battle's letter is burned before reaching the Emperor. The fire is used to warm the throne.

"There never seems to be an end to these fan letters." He thinks to himself.

 baxter123 wrote:
Dear guardsman Bob,
You have in your hands alien technology and so shall be exterminated! Aliens are Xenos, and unclean. Purge the Unclean!

Dear Emperor

Please don't exterminate me, I'm just trying to survive so that I may serve you. I managed to find an old imperial outpost, but the comms array is dead.
I come to you instead of the 'machine god' asking, where can I find something to fix it?

Your Favorite, and Irreplaceable Guardsman
Guardsmen Bob

 Guardsmen Bob wrote:


Dear Emperor

Please don't exterminate me, I'm just trying to survive so that I may serve you. I managed to find an old imperial outpost, but the comms array is dead.
I come to you instead of the 'machine god' asking, where can I find something to fix it?

Your Favorite, and Irreplaceable Guardsman
Guardsmen Bob

What do you mean "instead of the 'machine god' " I thought I was the machine god. I know I'm the omnisaiah, aren't they the same thing?

Someone should really straighten that out one of these days.

Anyway I think the problem is in order to activate the 'coms array' you need an ancient and lost item known only as a 'dime'.

Check your pockets.

Yours,
E

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emperor

Hi it's me, Astra Militarus Sergeant Kanon Foddor, you may remember me from when you gave us your blessing upon the founding of our regiment 3 months ago.

Wow time does fly. Back then I was a wet-behind-the-ears conscript and today I'm a Veteran Sergeant leading the 10 surviving members of our 3000-man company.

Anyway in all my time serving on the Astra Militarus I sometimes hear the older officers like Col Falconne (he's pusing the big 3-0 now, and spent 2/3 of his life in the Militarus) talk about something called the Umpire Guardians. Apparently they have all sorts of equipment the Astra Militarus doesn't like Griffons, Meduas and Collossuses. And they have some pretty awesome-sounding guys too like Sly Marbo and Col Chenkov.

I've asked around but no one seems to know much. Not even old Smithy who just got his 6 month campaign badge.

Do you know where we could find these Umpire Guardians? We sure could use their help these days!

Sincerely
Confounded in Cadia

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Space Emperor

Hi it's me, Astra Militarus Sergeant Kanon Foddor, you may remember me from when you gave us your blessing upon the founding of our regiment 3 months ago.

Wow time does fly. Back then I was a wet-behind-the-ears conscript and today I'm a Veteran Sergeant leading the 10 surviving members of our 3000-man company.

Anyway in all my time serving on the Astra Militarus I sometimes hear the older officers like Col Falconne (he's pusing the big 3-0 now, and spent 2/3 of his life in the Militarus) talk about something called the Umpire Guardians. Apparently they have all sorts of equipment the Astra Militarus doesn't like Griffons, Meduas and Collossuses. And they have some pretty awesome-sounding guys too like Sly Marbo and Col Chenkov.

I've asked around but no one seems to know much. Not even old Smithy who just got his 6 month campaign badge.

Do you know where we could find these Umpire Guardians? We sure could use their help these days!

Sincerely
Confounded in Cadia

Dear CiC,

Unfortunately the Chaos god of Retconning has been rampaging around the universe this past decade, and has been eliminating a lot of awesome shiz, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. :C

- Empy.


__________________________________________

Dear Big 'Umie

Wotz it like ter be ded?

- Ork.

 Selym wrote:

Dear Big 'Umie

Wotz it like ter be ded?

- Ork.

You tell me.

EXTERMINUS!
Teh Emp

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Teh Space Emperor

Hey there, Chapter Master Steve of the Really Awesome Guys here and you'll never guess why I'm writing.

So like, the other day I was fighting some bad guys and all of the sudden my chainsaw-sword thing jammed, probably from all the badguy blood and gore and bones in it. I really should clean it more.

Anyway there I am surrounded by bad guys and a jammed chainsaw-sword thing and I'm like oh @#$%. So I reach down to grab my combat knife and I find this holster thing. And I open it and I pull out a GUN!

And I'm like, holy #@$%, I have a gun?! When did this happen?

So I aim it and shoot a bad guy from like 10' away. He didn't even get to use his chainsaw-axe thing.

Then I shoot like five more bad guys.

So I get on the vox thing and tell all the good guys, hey, check your belts, you might have a gun!

And they did!

The bad guys didn't even get to use their axe-club-sword things!

So we like shot all the bad guys and went back to our fortress-clubhouse-thing and I ordered a top to bottom inventory of the whole place and do you know what I found? We have lots of guns!

Not just dinky little pistols and rifles, I mean we have missile launchers and lazor cannons and heat rays and some kind of gun that as far as I can tell shoots @#$%ing gravity at people. How cool is that?

Then Timmy, one of the intern-scout-cannon fodder kids he calls me over and you know what he found in the basment? AIRPLANES! We have airplanes! I mean just last month we were supposed to relieve those puny human guys but it took us like 2 weeks to drive there and getting ambushed and stuff so when we got there they were all dead and stuff. But if I'd know we had airplanes? We could've been there in like an hour.

AND THEN Bobby he comes up to me and is all like 'look up'. So I did. Do you know what I saw? We have SPACESHIPS! Mother-$%^&ing spaceships with like guns on them with shells the size of locomotives!

And I'm like so why have we been running around on planets getting our boots muddy and stuff when we could sit in orbit and blow the #$%^ out of the bad guys?

And no one knew.

So I'm writing all the Space Marines, CHECK YOUR BASEMENTS, check your attics, check your storage sheds, you might have all kinds of guns and airplanes and space ships lying around you never even knew about. You don't have to drive around in a minivan and hit people with a chainsaw-sword thing all the time!

Anyway i thought you'd want to know.

Chapter Master Steve
Chapter Master
The Really Awesome Guys

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


Dear Teh Space Emperor

Hey there, Chapter Master Steve of the Really Awesome Guys here and you'll never guess why I'm writing.

[...]

Anyway i thought you'd want to know.

Chapter Master Steve
Chapter Master
The Really Awesome Guys

Ah, CM Steve of TRAG,

In the warp there are gods, and each god has his opposite. Recently we've been hit by a storm from the God of Retcons, but in his wake the God of Additions came along and compensated us with tons of crap from everywhere () !

These are some of the things we didn't have yesterday, but have now been around for centuries/millennia:

-Centurions
-Grav-weapons
-Imperial Knight-walkers-things
-Aircraft of various kinds
-The Ass... Astra Mi.... Assface Imperial Guardsmen
-Tauroxes (Holy cow, we made those!? I need some alcohol...)
-Reams and reams of things we should have used ages ago, but didn't because Spehss Paradoxes.

- The Emprah of hue-manitee

________________________________

Dear Emperor,

PLEASE SAVE US, WE'RE ALL GONNA D-

- 99% of IG.

 Selym wrote:


Dear Emperor,

PLEASE SAVE US, WE'RE ALL GONNA D-

- 99% of IG.

Dear Nine,

I'm sorry that is not a question, please rephrase and resubmit to your omnipotent immortal master.

Sincerely
The Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigilite


********************************************************************

Hey there big guy, this is Guardsman 2nd Class Joe, of the 18,535 Cadian Rifles. You might remember me, I was the guy last week who promised he'd never touch drink or dice again if you got him out of that little situation back here. Wanna thank you for that by the way. And true to my word I never touched drink since.

Oh it don't count as touching if I wear gloves right? just checking here.

Anyhoo, last week me and the boys invited over some of the lovely ladies from the 36th Venutian Valkyries to play a little game of 'airlocks and boarding torpedos' if you know what I mean. Well we'd just gotten to the 'drop shields' part of the game, if you know what I mean, when the Commissar busted in!

Well long story short he put us on 10 days of hard labor for being 'out of uniform' if you know what I mean. And hey, it's a fair cop.

But seriously, how come he got to take the Valkyries back to the command tent 'for further questioning' if you know what I mean? I mean ain't he supposed to be a pargon of virtue and suchwot?

Anyway let me know what you think.

Sincerely
Guardsman Joe

Dear Guardsman Joe,

There is nothing wrong with human sexuality in of itself. The only objectors to it are typically those who follow ill informed superstitions which you shouldn't, by the way. Rest assured the Emperor approves of you enjoying the fairer sex. However, engaging in coitus with another Imperial Guardsman is bad for morale and could potentially hospitalize another soldier wasting precious resources and taking a pair of boots out of the fight. Please reserve your pent up frustration for local women or, in a pinch, your hand.

As for your Commissar he is an individual who is clearly corrupt in mind. He is abusing his power and taking advantage of people under his command. Please report his behavior to the Departmento Munitorum. Or, alternatively, show him this letter. If he is truly loyal to me then he will execute himself for violation of protocol.


Have a good day,
The Immortal Emperor of Mankind.

============================================

Dear Emperor,

Why do you continue to give your warriors inferior weapons, vehicles and training? Wouldn't it be more sensible to equip all of them with carapace armor and bolters? Surely your vast pool fo resources would allow you to equip your armies with such technology. I don't really see the logic in reserving the technology for a pitifully few amount of individuals. Then again, the relationship between you Mon'keigh and logic is like the relationship with Orks and Marksmanship.


Yours truly,
An anonymous Eldar Autarch.

P.S: If you can please restrict the distribution of human/eldar pornography. It is getting creepy now how many prisoners of war expect a sexual experience.

 TheCustomLime wrote:

Dear Emperor,

Why do you continue to give your warriors inferior weapons, vehicles and training? Wouldn't it be more sensible to equip all of them with carapace armor and bolters? Surely your vast pool fo resources would allow you to equip your armies with such technology. I don't really see the logic in reserving the technology for a pitifully few amount of individuals. Then again, the relationship between you Mon'keigh and logic is like the relationship with Orks and Marksmanship.


Yours truly,
An anonymous Eldar Autarch.

P.S: If you can please restrict the distribution of human/eldar pornography. It is getting creepy now how many prisoners of war expect a sexual experience.

Dear Autarch,

First off, I must say, DIE XENOS DIE!!

Now that that's out of the way, I can tell you that in the past few milennia, despite my original wishes, the technology of my empire has stagnated, and is being hoarded. If I were able to speak, my Guardsmen would all have far superior technology, but as it is, the technologyis being held by some robotic a$$holes on Mars.

As for the pornography, no. Sadly.

- The Emp.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Emperor,

I have been executing cowards and heretics in my regiment all week non-stop, and I'm beginning to lose my faith in you and humanity. And Guardsmen.
Can you help me, please?

- Lord Commissar Varoth

 Selym wrote:

Dear Emperor,

I have been executing cowards and heretics in my regiment all week non-stop, and I'm beginning to lose my faith in you and humanity. And Guardsmen.
Can you help me, please?

- Lord Commissar Varoth

Ha! Tell me about it!

I mean nothing quite like having your most beloved son show up at your doorstep with an army of daemons to kind of make you question any faith or hope you might have had.

But you know, time heals all wounds and after 10k years I have to look back and laugh. I mean really, ignoring Magnus' warning? Sending Leman to trash his planet cause he woke me up from a nap? Yeah let's just say mistakes were made and move on.

So next time you execute some mutant, traitor, heretic guardsman just stop and think of the billions and trillions of loyal guardsmen out there and shrug. This guy isn't even a rounding error. Any in any case who'll even care in a 1000 years or so.

The Emporer of Space

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Honored Elder,

So um, there's been talk lately, something about a new edition and I was thinking you know maybe it's time?

I mean we've been waiting a while now, kind of a long while. I mean the Jockero came back, that's how long we've been waiting.

And you know steam punk is big now, real big. What with the land trains and gyro copters we were doing steam punk before it was even a thing. We could have like steam punk fliers and steam punk tunnelers and steam punk mining suits. You could get a slice of that Privateer Press money.

Plus Mantic already did a Forge Fathers army and you don't want them to eat your lunch do you?

So I have some concept art I can send you if you're interested. I mean maybe a full codex is a bit much, but maybe a data slate or a Tau ally or something?

Um let me know. I'll be waiting by the phone. Just um call. OK?

Sincerely
Squaticus S. Squatson
Squat City
Squatworld

Dear Stunted Reject,

*Sigh* And just when i thought I'd seen the last of you. Someone call the Tyranids.

Yours Off-Pissedly,

The Emprah.

Dear Empy-Kins,

Why don't you call anymore? I haven't seen you in decades. I'm missing you, and there's only so long a chainsword hilt can keep a girl happy...

Yours,

Mad Donna Ulanti.