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 korbenn wrote:


Dear God Emperor,

Each year, the Geneva International Centre for Humanitarian Demining (GICHD) organises a briefing for the newly arrived diplomats in Geneva.

It discusses mine action and introduces the Centre’s activities as well as the different Conventions relevant for mine action. I would like to invite you or members of your staff (including any staff visiting from capitals) to the next introductory briefing taking place on: 12 November 2016, 13:15–14:45. At the Geneva International Centre for Humanitarian Demining, Maison de la Paix –6th Floor –Chemin Eugène-Rigot 2C, Geneva.

The briefing will provide an overview of landmine and other explosive remnants of war issues and outline the resources available to support your work with the related Conventions. It is designed mainly for newly arrived diplomatic staff in Geneva and those who cover this topic as part of their work.

A copy of the agenda is attached.Please confirm your participation with Ms. Anita Cadonau by 7 November 2015.

I look forward to meeting you or representatives of your Mission or delegation.
Sincerely yours,

THE DIRECTOR
Stefano Toscano
Ambassador

Dear Stefano,

I am unable to make an appearance, as I am on a throne, and cannot move. However, I will send my Admech over, and they will represent me.

Regards,

Das emp
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

If the Primarchs were politicians, what political issues would they support? I think they would support Gun Rights by default. What about you?

Regards,

Aron Shock

Dear Aron,

Most of my sons would whole-heartedly support gun rights, and in addition they would also support most of the policies of this Donald Trump fellow. He seems to know what he's doing.



Signed,

Emp

-----------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I have a question for you. If you get an itchy spot on your body, how do you scratch it given that you haven't moved at all in the last 10,000 years?

Signed,

Arbite Bob

 War Kitten wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

I have a question for you. If you get an itchy spot on your body, how do you scratch it given that you haven't moved at all in the last 10,000 years?

Signed,

Arbite Bob

Dear Arbite Bob,

I actually don't feel things. I mean, for all I know, I could have 700 billion itches all over my body and I don't know it. Does that answer your question?

Also, what happened in Boringstein? I have received conflicting reports.

Regards,

Das emp
--------------------------------------------
Dear Empys,

What is your primary news source? I use CNN.

Regards,

News watcher

Dear News Watcher,

I need no news source, for I AM THE NEWS SOURCE!

Signed,

Das Emp


----------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I think the demons from Boringstein have followed me to my new home. There are currently a bunch of daemonettes outside in my backyard, and they appear to be torturing my neighbor. What should I do?

Regards,

Arbite Bob.

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

I think the demons from Boringstein have followed me to my new home. There are currently a bunch of daemonettes outside in my backyard, and they appear to be torturing my neighbor. What should I do?

Regards,

Arbite Bob.

Dear Bob,

I'm sending some SPESS MAHREENS. They'll be there in 40 minutes.

Regards,

Das emp
---------------------------------------------
Dear Space Emperor,

Is there a warp storm going on in Arizona right now? It's really hot here.

Regards,

Hot person in Arizona

Dear Person,

I highly doubt there's a warp storm going on near your home. If there was a demon would be using your skull as a chamber pot, not to mention what they'd be doing to your soul....

Regards,

Emp

--------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

How do you deal with haters?

Regards,

2016 citizen.

 War Kitten wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

How do you deal with haters?

Regards,

2016 citizen.

Dear 2016 citizen,

I deal with haters by purging them. You should do the same.

Regards,

Das emp
---------------------
Dear emperor,

You probably won't believe me, but sometimes when I'm bored, I get wrapped up in my tutu, put a giant horn on my head, lather sparkles all over myself and prance around the kitchen pretending I'm a magical unicorn!

Regards,

Imperial Citizen #73247678

Dear Citizen,

You have incurred my wrath by mentioning Unicorns. Don't you realize that Unicorns are fiends of Chaos? Prepare to be purged with extreme prejudice.

Regards,

Emperor.

----------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I have a question for you. Which game system do you prefer, Age of Sigmar of WHFB?

 War Kitten wrote:
Dear Citizen,

You have incurred my wrath by mentioning Unicorns. Don't you realize that Unicorns are fiends of Chaos? Prepare to be purged with extreme prejudice.

Regards,

Emperor.

----------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

I have a question for you. Which game system do you prefer, Age of Sigmar of WHFB?

Dear Sir,

I prefer WHFB. Age of Sigmar is the worst thing to ever happen to us.

Regards,

Das emp
--------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Apparently, I am being corrupted by Chaos. How can I stop it?

Regards,

Someone who is being Corrupted by Chaos

Dear Someone,

To stop the Chaos corruption of your body and Soul. I would suggest fire.
Lots and lots of fire. Burn yourself until you feel pure again or die, whichever comes first.
Ask a local priest or Inquisitor for more tips of living a Chaos free live and what to do when you suspect your neighbor might be a cultist.

Holy Regards,
The Emperor.

--------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

The ether is wearing off. The acid has long gone. But the mescaline is running strong.
Good mescaline comes on slow. The first hour is all waiting.
Then about halfway through the second hour, you start cursing the creep who burned you because nothing's happening. And then...
ZANG!

 korbenn wrote:


Dear Emperor,

The ether is wearing off. The acid has long gone. But the mescaline is running strong.
Good mescaline comes on slow. The first hour is all waiting.
Then about halfway through the second hour, you start cursing the creep who burned you because nothing's happening. And then...
ZANG!

Dear Random Person,

Please don't spam me. I have no idea what you are talking about.

Regards,

Das emp
--------------------------------
Dear Emps,

How many Adeptus Astartes are there in the entire imperium?

Regards,

Citizen from 2016

Dear Emps,

How many Adeptus Astartes are there in the entire imperium?

Regards,

Citizen from 2016

Hmm that's a very good question. Remind which ones are the Adeptus Astartes are they the Judge Dredd rip offs, the Imperial Storm Trooper rip offs or the Dune Sardaukar rip offs? Whose idea was it to give everyone there pseduo latin names anyway? I mean have you looked at the Adepus Mech army list, how do you even pronounce some of those names?

What's that?

Thank you Zombified Corpse of Malcador the Sigilite, apparently they're the guys with the absurd shoulder pads. What was I thinking when I made those anyway? Did I like think they have some kind of vital organs in their shoulders?

Anyway there's 42 of them. Sometimes you might think you see more, but that's because they are very fast.

Love
The Emp

***************************************

Dear Mr/Ms THE SPACE EMPORER

Are you tired of staring at the same four walls?

Sick of slaving away for a boss who doesn't appreciate you?

Do you want a change?

Then Peppy Pete's Pleasure Pilgrimage is what you are looking for!

Our seven day/six night Pleasure Pilgrimage includes a trip to the exotic beaches of Ventura VI where the native women are waiting to serve your every need. And your every want!

It also includes an overnight stay at Mistress Domina's Home of Naughty, Naughty School Girls Who Must be Punished. This stay can be extended to two, three or even four nights for a small fee.

And for the ladies we have a visit for Marshal Mike's Military Academy filled to the brim with fit, young cadets denied any female companionship for months at a time.

Best of all, there will be brief, 15 minute, stop at the Shrine of Phil: Teh Space Emporer's Second Cousin which means your entire trip counts as a Pilgrimage for tax and leave purposes.

So don't wait! Send your non-refundable deposit of 1000 Starbucks right away to reserve your spot!

Sincerely,

Peppy Pete

(Peppy Pete's Pleasure Pilgrimages is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Omnicorp Enterprises Inc. Omnicorp Enterprises Inc takes no responsibility for social diseases contracted on on Peppy Pete Pleasure Pilgrimage)

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


***************************************

Dear Mr/Ms THE SPACE EMPORER

Are you tired of staring at the same four walls?

Sick of slaving away for a boss who doesn't appreciate you?

Do you want a change?

Then Peppy Pete's Pleasure Pilgrimage is what you are looking for!

Our seven day/six night Pleasure Pilgrimage includes a trip to the exotic beaches of Ventura VI where the native women are waiting to serve your every need. And your every want!

It also includes an overnight stay at Mistress Domina's Home of Naughty, Naughty School Girls Who Must be Punished. This stay can be extended to two, three or even four nights for a small fee.

And for the ladies we have a visit for Marshal Mike's Military Academy filled to the brim with fit, young cadets denied any female companionship for months at a time.

Best of all, there will be brief, 15 minute, stop at the Shrine of Phil: Teh Space Emporer's Second Cousin which means your entire trip counts as a Pilgrimage for tax and leave purposes.

So don't wait! Send your non-refundable deposit of 1000 Starbucks right away to reserve your spot!

Sincerely,

Peppy Pete

(Peppy Pete's Pleasure Pilgrimages is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Omnicorp Enterprises Inc. Omnicorp Enterprises Inc takes no responsibility for social diseases contracted on on Peppy Pete Pleasure Pilgrimage)

Dear Peppy Pete,

I have told people this multiple times: I am immobile on a golden throne, so I cannot go to your resort. However, I will send Second Lieutenant Mira to take my place.

Regards,

Das emp
---------------------------------------------
To: Teh Space Emporer <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
From: National Weather Service <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov>
Subject: Severe Thunderstorm Warning

...SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL JULY 7TH, 2016 AT 9:00AM...

HAZARD: 60MPH WIND GUSTS

SOURCE: RADAR INDICATED

IMPACT: EXPECT DAMAGE TO ROOFS, SIDING AND TREES. YOUR PALACE MAY BE DAMAGED, AND POWER CUT TO YOUR GOLDEN THRONE.

LOCATIONS IMPACTED INCLUDE: NORTH PALACE, NORTH CENTRAL PALACE, FAR NORTH PALACE, EXTREME NORTH PALACE


PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS

YOUR ADMECH, SPACE MARINES, AND IMPERIAL GUARD SHOULD GET INSIDE

-Forecaster JM

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

To: Teh Space Emporer <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
From: National Weather Service <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov>
Subject: Severe Thunderstorm Warning

...SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL JULY 7TH, 2016 AT 9:00AM...

HAZARD: 60MPH WIND GUSTS

SOURCE: RADAR INDICATED

IMPACT: EXPECT DAMAGE TO ROOFS, SIDING AND TREES. YOUR PALACE MAY BE DAMAGED, AND POWER CUT TO YOUR GOLDEN THRONE.

LOCATIONS IMPACTED INCLUDE: NORTH PALACE, NORTH CENTRAL PALACE, FAR NORTH PALACE, EXTREME NORTH PALACE


PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS

YOUR ADMECH, SPACE MARINES, AND IMPERIAL GUARD SHOULD GET INSIDE

-Forecaster JM

Dear Mr Forecaster

As you might imagine it gets a little dull sitting here on my throne staring at the same four walls all day long with nothing to do but watch the Custodeus and the Sisters of Silence conduct their neekid mud wrestling matches, so I do love to get letters.

That being said you did not ask a question.

Now I am sad.

Someone please send an assassin, or even better one of those all-star four assassin team up things, and kill this man who made me sad.

Thank you.

The Emp

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Teh Space Emporer

For many light years I have been conducting excavations along the ancient border between the lost Empire of Murica, and it ancient enemy, Evil Taco Drug Lord Land.

Recently I discovered what I believe to be ruins of the Yuge Wall of Murica, built long ago to keep out Drug Dealing Rapists Who Aren't the Best People.

I found an inscription there, five letters each half a mile high in neon lights T-R-[illegible]-M-P and am puzzles as to what they might mean.

My colleague believes they spelled out a word in the ancient language of the Muricans, Tramp, a word meaning a homeless vagrant. He theorized they wrote that word on the Yuge Wall to warn away homeless vagrants.

However I believe it was meant to spell out the names of some of the greatest heroes of Murica: Tim Allen, Ricky Martin, Mario Puzo and Pauly Shore. But that leaves me wondering who the middle letter might represent.

Do you know the secret of this mysterious inscription?

Sincerely
Doctor Dust O. DiAges, Archeologist

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

To: Teh Space Emporer <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
From: National Weather Service <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov>
Subject: Severe Thunderstorm Warning

...SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL JULY 7TH, 2016 AT 9:00AM...

HAZARD: 60MPH WIND GUSTS

SOURCE: RADAR INDICATED

IMPACT: EXPECT DAMAGE TO ROOFS, SIDING AND TREES. YOUR PALACE MAY BE DAMAGED, AND POWER CUT TO YOUR GOLDEN THRONE.

LOCATIONS IMPACTED INCLUDE: NORTH PALACE, NORTH CENTRAL PALACE, FAR NORTH PALACE, EXTREME NORTH PALACE


PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS

YOUR ADMECH, SPACE MARINES, AND IMPERIAL GUARD SHOULD GET INSIDE

-Forecaster JM

Dear Mr Forecaster

As you might imagine it gets a little dull sitting here on my throne staring at the same four walls all day long with nothing to do but watch the Custodeus and the Sisters of Silence conduct their neekid mud wrestling matches, so I do love to get letters.

That being said you did not ask a question.

Now I am sad.

Someone please send an assassin, or even better one of those all-star four assassin team up things, and kill this man who made me sad.

Thank you.

The Emp

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Teh Space Emporer

For many light years I have been conducting excavations along the ancient border between the lost Empire of Murica, and it ancient enemy, Evil Taco Drug Lord Land.

Recently I discovered what I believe to be ruins of the Yuge Wall of Murica, built long ago to keep out Drug Dealing Rapists Who Aren't the Best People.

I found an inscription there, five letters each half a mile high in neon lights T-R-[illegible]-M-P and am puzzles as to what they might mean.

My colleague believes they spelled out a word in the ancient language of the Muricans, Tramp, a word meaning a homeless vagrant. He theorized they wrote that word on the Yuge Wall to warn away homeless vagrants.

However I believe it was meant to spell out the names of some of the greatest heroes of Murica: Tim Allen, Ricky Martin, Mario Puzo and Pauly Shore. But that leaves me wondering who the middle letter might represent.

Do you know the secret of this mysterious inscription?

Sincerely
Doctor Dust O. DiAges, Archeologist

Dear Dr. Dust,

In 2016, Donald Trump ran for president. The T-R-[illegible]-M-P you see does not say Tramp, it says Trump. Donald Trump was president of the USA from 2017-2021, built a wall in 2018, and then mysteriously disappeared before the year 2022. It is unknown where he went, but my best guess is that he was sucked into the Warp.

As for your actual question: Tim Allen, Ricky Martin, Mario Puzo, and Pauly Shore were not heroes of this place you call Murica (aka America or USA), they were part of the "I love the USA fan club". The fan club was comprised of politicians, which Tim, Ricky, Mario and Pauly were, however, politics were reformed in the year 2100.

A little about the political reforms of 2100:

They completely redid the political parties

Democrats were replaced with Loyalists

Republicans were replaced with Traitors

The third parties ceased to exist

The electoral college was eliminated

Recounts were eliminated

Presidents are elected by a direct popular vote

I hope I helped. Take it easy,

Das emp
-----------------------------------------
Dear Emps,

How many presidents did the USA have after 2016?

Regards,

Political Geek

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear Emps,

How many presidents did the USA have after 2016?

Regards,

Political Geek

Ah good ole Usa, I remember it well. There was this pretzel stand in the Mall of Usa that just had the best salty pretzels. It's been like 38,000 years and I haven't found a pretzel nearly as good.

Anyway, little known fact, but Usa only ever had one Prez, and that was me.

Every 4-8 years I'd just use my Emporer Shape Shifting Power to assume a new identity. Except during the 30s and 40s when I kind of forgot to do it for a few years.

So yeah, Prez Calvin Collage, that was me. Prez George HW Bush that was me. Prez George W Bush that was me too. Felt kind of guilty about reusing a name but I was really stuck for ideas and no one seem to care that much. So after that I morphed into Prez Barrack Obama, and I admit that was just me pulling random letters out of a hat to get a name, like I said I kind of got stuck. Then it was... aw geeze it was so long ago... I think used the Clinton name again, but morphed into a woman so it wouldn't as obvious. Then it was the Bush Twins (using my Emporer Duplication Power to become co-presidents), then Chelsea, then Malia, and by then Washington was under 10' of water and it was like 120 degrees all the time so I just gave up and became Arch-Emporer of Canada.

Fond Memories
Prez Emp

My Great and Glorious Big Mac Daddy King Emprah of all things Epic and Awesome, I ask you a humble question:
Why does everyone hate the beastmen? I mean, YOU did say they were Imperial citizens of your great Imperium, and were to be granted all the rights of pure-blooded humans.
So why does every space marine and his primarch hate them? I find that to be counter intuitive. Also, why are your custodes all half naked? Wouldn't it make more sense to have them fully armoured?

Dear Citizen,

We hate them because they smell terrible. Imagine a wet dog combined with a skunks spray. Truly horrendous.

Regards,


Das Emp

----------------------

Dear Space Emperor.

I find myself in the difficult position of having to decide on my next hobby project, and I need advice. I am stuck between Eldar and Blood Ravens. What should I do?

Regards,
Confused

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor.

I find myself in the difficult position of having to decide on my next hobby project, and I need advice. I am stuck between Eldar and Blood Ravens. What should I do?

Regards,
Confused

Dear Confused,

I know how you feel, many the time I have hesitated between creating a new Imperial Guard regiment or issuing Sisters of Battle some plasti-steel armor like I promised 10 or 15 years ago. Usually I just follow my heart and create a new Space Marine chapter. Or just give a new flier to an existing chapter.

Yours,
TSE

-----------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer,

So like the other day I rogue trading on Space France, y'know sell them some Jerry Lewis DVDs and soap, buying some wine and stinky cheese and then all of the sudden the King of Space France, King Space Francis III walks in and he's all like "Yo Rogue Randy what's up?"

And I'm all like "Y'now, buying some cheese, selling some soap, same old same old."

And he's all like "You gotta come by and we'll have some brewskis and watch the game". So I come on by.

Now here's the thing, when I came by I only brought domestic beer, not imported. Now thinking about this, it was a dumb move seeing as I have a whole fridge of imported beer. Now King Space Francis III, he's a cool guy and he didn't say nothing, but I felt bad about it. Do you think I should like send him a case of good Space German Beer, or just let the matter lie?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Space Emporer,

So like the other day I rogue trading on Space France, y'know sell them some Jerry Lewis DVDs and soap, buying some wine and stinky cheese and then all of the sudden the King of Space France, King Space Francis III walks in and he's all like "Yo Rogue Randy what's up?"

And I'm all like "Y'now, buying some cheese, selling some soap, same old same old."

And he's all like "You gotta come by and we'll have some brewskis and watch the game". So I come on by.

Now here's the thing, when I came by I only brought domestic beer, not imported. Now thinking about this, it was a dumb move seeing as I have a whole fridge of imported beer. Now King Space Francis III, he's a cool guy and he didn't say nothing, but I felt bad about it. Do you think I should like send him a case of good Space German Beer, or just let the matter lie?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

I think you should send him some Space German Beer. Tell him that Teh Space Emporer sends his regards.

Regards,

Teh Space Emporer
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Empys,
Could you PLEASE use your powers of weather control to make it cooler here in the Midwest? It feels very hot here, and I get the feeling a Warp Storm may fire here. We've got family pictures in 110F heat indices tomorrow, at 530PM. I don't want to get heatstroke, and neither does the rest of my family.

Please make it cooler!

Regards,

Hot citizen from 2016

Dear Hot citizen from 2016,

I do not have weather control powers. Come to think of it I don't have many powers at all.
Thank you for reminding me of that. Flog yourself and your family for making me day all depressed and dreary.

Ungratefull little cretin.

----------------------------------------

Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very feces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section of a classical Doric entablature.

 korbenn wrote:


Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very feces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section of a classical Doric entablature.

I'm an Emperor, not an encyclopaedia. Wiki it.

- Emps

=============================

Dear GEoM,

Duck.

That is all,

Farseer Irilis.

 Selym wrote:


Dear GEoM,

Duck.

That is all,

Farseer Irilis.

Dear Farseer Irilis,

Thank you for your wonderful suggestion. Per your advise I ordered the roast duck tonight (it's Sunday so I usually have meatloaf with a side order of 1000 willing souls) and wow, it was so tender, so flavorful, so delicate. I think I will break with 10,000 years of tradition and add it my regular Sunday menu.

Thanks again and best to your family
Space Emporer Teh

-----------------------------------

Dear the Space Emporer

So like the other day I was on Planet Space Italy rogue trading them some edible underwear and erotic cake products in exchange for some statues with halos on them and designer shoes when all of the sudden who should walk in but Space Pope Kitty Lee!

And I'm like 'whoa!'
But she's all like 'S'up Rogue Randy?'
And I'm all like 'Nothing much, nothing much, just rogue trading some edible underwear for some statues with halos on them.'
Then she's all like 'you should come over my place have some pizza and watch some Blood Futbol' (that's what they call Blood Bowl in Space Italy)
And I'm all like 'sure'.

So like when I show up at the Space Vatican naturally I bring along some buddies and a dozen or so members of the Intergalactic Belly Dancing Troupe, y'know for culture. But when they were doing the Dance of the One Really Long Veil I noticed that Space Pope Kitty Lee was looking a bit uncomfortable and suddenly I was thinking that she might not enjoy something like that what with her being Space Pope and everything. Now she didn't say nothing, in fact she blessed all the hard working girls in the Intergalactic Belly Dancing Troupe but I still felt bad.

Do you think I should send her some edible undergarments as an apology?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


Dear the Space Emporer

So like the other day I was on Planet Space Italy rogue trading them some edible underwear and erotic cake products in exchange for some statues with halos on them and designer shoes when all of the sudden who should walk in but Space Pope Kitty Lee!

And I'm like 'whoa!'
But she's all like 'S'up Rogue Randy?'
And I'm all like 'Nothing much, nothing much, just rogue trading some edible underwear for some statues with halos on them.'
Then she's all like 'you should come over my place have some pizza and watch some Blood Futbol' (that's what they call Blood Bowl in Space Italy)
And I'm all like 'sure'.

So like when I show up at the Space Vatican naturally I bring along some buddies and a dozen or so members of the Intergalactic Belly Dancing Troupe, y'know for culture. But when they were doing the Dance of the One Really Long Veil I noticed that Space Pope Kitty Lee was looking a bit uncomfortable and suddenly I was thinking that she might not enjoy something like that what with her being Space Pope and everything. Now she didn't say nothing, in fact she blessed all the hard working girls in the Intergalactic Belly Dancing Troupe but I still felt bad.

Do you think I should send her some edible undergarments as an apology?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

No, I don't think you should send her undergarments, or any clothes at all. send her a box of chocolates, and tell her that Teh Space Emporer sends his regards.

-Teh Space Emporer
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

What game should I play? I have the games on icivics.org (win the white house, argument wars), the following Dawn of War games:

Dark Crusade
Winter Assault
Soulstorm

and Goat Simulator.

Help please.

-Gamer

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear Emperor,

What game should I play? I have the games on icivics.org (win the white house, argument wars), the following Dawn of War games:

Dark Crusade
Winter Assault
Soulstorm

and Goat Simulator.

Help please.

-Gamer

Dear Gamer, sitting here for the last 10,000 years (how the time flies) I've found that nothing quite soothes my nerves like a game of Sim City 2000 which I have to play on an emulator ever since the Custodeus "upgraded" my system to Windows 10.

I don't care if it's free! It's annoying to use!

But I love watching all the houses pop up in vacant lots, turn into apartment houses, then into high rises. It makes me feel like it's all worthwhile.

Then I go to the disaster menu and hit with simultaneous earthquakes, tornadoes and Godzillas. Show those little sims that there is no point, the galaxy is a cruel place and everything can be taken away at any moment.

Then I cry.

Sincerely,
Teh

------------------------------------------------------------------

Our most profitable master,

Hey the other day I was rogue trading on Planet Space Greece, buying some priceless works of philosophy, arts and drama, selling them some nervous goats, when all of the sudden who comes in but Gerry Reiss! Philosopher King of Space Greece!

And he's all like 'Rogue Randy, what you up to?" And I'm all like "same old, same old, priceless works of philosophy, nervous goats, y'know."

And then he's all like "You gotta come by my place to watch some Space Greco-Space Roman Wrestling". And I'm all like "OK".

So head on over and invite my niece, Denise.

And let me tell you those Space Greeks were really into their Space Greco-Space Roman Wrestling. They just couldn't take their eyes off of the naked wrestlers, their lean bodies glittering with oil as they grappled and gripped each other. Some of them even took off their clothes and jumped in the arena to practice some holds with the manly taut wrestlers. But no one offered to Space Greco-Space Roman wrestle with Denise. It was all like boy-on-boy or boy-on-boy-on-boy-on-boy. So I felt bad.

Do you think I should apologize to Denise? Cause I should have realize this was more of a boys' night out thing.

Sincerely
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

You really should apologize to her, if you don't I promise you she'll find a way to make your life miserable for the foreseeable future. They never forget you know.

Regards,

Emp

----------------
Dear Space Emperor,

I know the End Times are coming and all, but could you get the remaining Loyalist Primarchs to show up a bit early? We kind of could use the help right now.

Signed,

Brother Bob of the Bobbites Chapter

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

I know the End Times are coming and all, but could you get the remaining Loyalist Primarchs to show up a bit early? We kind of could use the help right now.

Signed,

Brother Bob of the Bobbites Chapter

Dear Bob

Good to hear from you again, feels like it's been forever since your swearing in, I remember it well, you tripped on one of those flying babies and face-plopped right in front of me. Good times.

Anyway I honestly don't know anything about any End Times, or any new eras at all. I mean every time I go to change my calendar the new one still says M41 Y999. This has been going on for like 10 years or something. It's like a clock stuck at 5 minutes to midnight.

But I don't let it me bug me. I've been around 40,000 years or whatever and let me tell you nothing ever changes. Not really.

The E

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Most Masterful Monarch of Mankind

So like the other day I was in Space Brazil, exporting coffee, importing edible undergarments, the usual. When all of the sudden who should walk in but Basil Zil, Carnival King of Space Brazil!

And he's all like 'Randy why didn't you tell me you were in town! What brings you here?" And I'm all like "the usual, coffee, edible undergarments'.

And he's like 'You know Space Brazil is hosting the Spacelympics this year, you must come and see!'

So I went and saw.

And man it was awesome. Except for one thing. Looking at some of the athletes it looked like they hadn't taken all of their performance-enhancing drugs. I'm not talking about Space Russia or Space China, their folks obviously had all their shots and pills. But some of the folks from Space America or Space England looked like they were trying to sneak into these universe-class events on nothing but talent and training. And I know I didn't pay good money (actually I didn't Basil comped me tickets but you get the idea) to see some normal human trying his best. I expect to see the finest chemically-enhanced athletes out there performing unnaturally well.

Did you think that too when you were watching?

Oh and did you see those twins holding hands in the race? that was so awesome.

Yours,
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Most Masterful Monarch of Mankind

So like the other day I was in Space Brazil, exporting coffee, importing edible undergarments, the usual. When all of the sudden who should walk in but Basil Zil, Carnival King of Space Brazil!

And he's all like 'Randy why didn't you tell me you were in town! What brings you here?" And I'm all like "the usual, coffee, edible undergarments'.

And he's like 'You know Space Brazil is hosting the Spacelympics this year, you must come and see!'

So I went and saw.

And man it was awesome. Except for one thing. Looking at some of the athletes it looked like they hadn't taken all of their performance-enhancing drugs. I'm not talking about Space Russia or Space China, their folks obviously had all their shots and pills. But some of the folks from Space America or Space England looked like they were trying to sneak into these universe-class events on nothing but talent and training. And I know I didn't pay good money (actually I didn't Basil comped me tickets but you get the idea) to see some normal human trying his best. I expect to see the finest chemically-enhanced athletes out there performing unnaturally well.

Did you think that too when you were watching?

Oh and did you see those twins holding hands in the race? that was so awesome.

Yours,
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

Athletes are not allowed to take performance enhancing drugs. It is illegal.
However, I did see the twins holding hands, though. That was nice.

Have a good day,

Das emp
--------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Is your throne located in New York City of 2016?

Regards,

Curious Dude

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Most Masterful Monarch of Mankind

So like the other day I was in Space Brazil, exporting coffee, importing edible undergarments, the usual. When all of the sudden who should walk in but Basil Zil, Carnival King of Space Brazil!

And he's all like 'Randy why didn't you tell me you were in town! What brings you here?" And I'm all like "the usual, coffee, edible undergarments'.

And he's like 'You know Space Brazil is hosting the Spacelympics this year, you must come and see!'

So I went and saw.

And man it was awesome. Except for one thing. Looking at some of the athletes it looked like they hadn't taken all of their performance-enhancing drugs. I'm not talking about Space Russia or Space China, their folks obviously had all their shots and pills. But some of the folks from Space America or Space England looked like they were trying to sneak into these universe-class events on nothing but talent and training. And I know I didn't pay good money (actually I didn't Basil comped me tickets but you get the idea) to see some normal human trying his best. I expect to see the finest chemically-enhanced athletes out there performing unnaturally well.

Did you think that too when you were watching?

Oh and did you see those twins holding hands in the race? that was so awesome.

Yours,
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

Athletes are not allowed to take performance enhancing drugs. It is illegal.
However, I did see the twins holding hands, though. That was nice.

Have a good day,

Das emp
--------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Is your throne located in New York City of 2016?

Regards,

Curious Dude

Hello curius dude

My palace is located in Asia, with the centre being just below the hymilayan foot hills, I do find the weather better on the former nepalise side of your time.

Nova York is currently deep underground. Take the underhive exit 12 and down 20 levels.
Good luck . Send me a old I love new York hat if you return alive.

...............
Dear emparor

What's the secret to understanding women?

Surely in 40,000 years you managed this great question a answer.

Sincerely
Bo....fulgri.....bob... Bob....its bob.

 jhe90 wrote:

Dear emparor

What's the secret to understanding women?

Surely in 40,000 years you managed this great question a answer.

Sincerely
Bo....fulgri.....bob... Bob....its bob.

Dear BofulgribobBobitsbob,

I have found that the best way to bring women to sheathe your golden spear is to put on your most commanding and experienced voice, tell them that you rule the world, dose them up with some warpstuff and blackmail them.

It only really works if it's Me though.

Best of luck,

The Great and Glorious God-Emperor of Mankind

======================

Dear Manly Manperor of Mankind,

I have recently requisitioned a deathwatch team. One of their number is a Terminator called Frank, who seems to be rather odd. He refers to himself as "DAKKA MCBUGSMASHA", and has an odd mutation that causes him to have bulging green muscles that are so big that even his custom-made armour struggles to accommodate them. He has no understanding of tactics, and once picked up my chimera and threw it off a cliff because I said we had to stop killing the civilians.

How should I deal with him?

Thanks,

Inquisitor Belarak