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2014/05/24 19:50:21
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
We usually get done as being stuck-up humourless bastards in a movie that exists to get in the way of the hero.
That is very true At least the Germans were in the right place, I suppose, although I'm not sure why a Jew was chosen to be the one with the gun...
Note to the reader: my username is not arrogance. No, my name is taken from the most excellent of commanders: Lord Castellan Creed, of the Imperial Guar- I mean Astra Militarum - who has a special rule known only as "Tactical Genius"... Although nowhere near as awesome as before, it now allows some cool stuff for the Guar- Astra Militarum - player. FEAR ME AND MY TWO WARLORD TRAITS.
2014/05/24 19:58:31
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
SisterSydney wrote: Exalted. Now trying to remember what the original four figures are in that joke...
he first (and only) time I heard it, it was an Englishman, a German, an American, and a Jew.
Wait, are you telling me that Americans stereotype US as stupid?!
Stupid? No. Slow? Yes. A Brit will get it. Eventually.
A German will never get it.
An American will get it right away.
A Jew will tell you it's old and you told it wrong.
We usually get done as being stuck-up humourless bastards in a movie that exists to get in the way of the hero.
That is very true At least the Germans were in the right place, I suppose, although I'm not sure why a Jew was chosen to be the one with the gun...
The original ending does not include the heresy, or the gun. I added it as it fits the Inquisitorial Stereotype.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/05/24 19:59:37
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/05/24 20:00:50
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
The original ending does not include the heresy, or the gun. I added it as it fits the Inquisitorial Stereotype.
I figured
Although I will contest the statement that the British are slow...
Note to the reader: my username is not arrogance. No, my name is taken from the most excellent of commanders: Lord Castellan Creed, of the Imperial Guar- I mean Astra Militarum - who has a special rule known only as "Tactical Genius"... Although nowhere near as awesome as before, it now allows some cool stuff for the Guar- Astra Militarum - player. FEAR ME AND MY TWO WARLORD TRAITS.
2014/05/24 20:09:39
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
The original ending does not include the heresy, or the gun. I added it as it fits the Inquisitorial Stereotype.
I figured
Although I will contest the statement that the British are slow...
We certainly used to be. Could take all year to convince a man with a title to change his finances 100 years ago. We're much faster now, though.
Unless you're from the North
Note to the reader: my username is not arrogance. No, my name is taken from the most excellent of commanders: Lord Castellan Creed, of the Imperial Guar- I mean Astra Militarum - who has a special rule known only as "Tactical Genius"... Although nowhere near as awesome as before, it now allows some cool stuff for the Guar- Astra Militarum - player. FEAR ME AND MY TWO WARLORD TRAITS.
2014/05/24 21:56:48
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
pretre wrote: "She who bails, fails."
and the corollaries:
"Leave the Rhino? How 'bout hell no?"
"Faith may be my shield, but this vehicle is my armor."
"The meek may inherit the earth, but we control the bucket seats."
I'm also reminded of the old US mech infantry line, "Death Before Dismount."
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
Sister Maxima: Sister, what IS that? *gesturing to a bright green plushy*
Sister Lambda: WEll, my squads mascot.
Sister Maxima: That's not very... *Here she picks up the plushy, which plays a guitar riff and screams TROGDOOOOR!* ... where can I get one?
Fate is in heaven, armor is on the chest, accomplishment is in the feet. - Nagao Kagetora
2014/07/06 02:02:23
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Sorry for the slight necro, however at only a couple weeks old I'm willing to dare the wrath of the mods.
Based on this thread over in Backgrounds about Yarrick and the Inquisition, I figured it was time to break out Monty Python once again.
Spoiler:
Marbo: Trouble at Hive.
St. Celestine: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Marbo: One on't green skins gone owt to battle on pond.
St. Celestine: Pardon?
Marbo: One on't green skins gone owt to battle on pond.
St. Celestine: I don't understand what you're saying.
Marbo: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the green skins has gone out to battle on the pond.
St. Celestine: Well what on earth does that mean?
Marbo: *I* don't know - Mr Creed just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the Hive, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The door flies open and Inquisitor Ximinez enters, flanked by two junior inquisitors. Inquisitor Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Inquisitor Fang is just Inquisitor Fang]
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Imperial Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.
[The Inquisition exits]
Marbo: I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The inquisitors burst in]
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Imperial Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Emperor, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!
[To Inquisitor Biggles] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...
[Ximinez bundles the inquisitors outside again]
Marbo: I didn't expect a kind of Imperial Inquisition.
[JARRING CHORD]
[The inquisitors enter]
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Imperial...um...
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Inquisitor, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Empire of Mankind. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough.
[To St. Celestine] Now, how do you plead?
St. Celestine: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]
Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!
[DIABOLICAL ACTING]
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Inquisitor -- the rack!
[Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]
Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.
[Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]
Ximinez:Right! How do you plead?
St. Celestine: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Inquisitor, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn.
[Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]
Biggles: I....
Ximinez: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
[Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]
[Cut to them torturing a grizzled old Commissar, Sebastion Yarrick]
Ximinez: Now, Lord Commissar -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Yarrick: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions]
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, Lord Commissar -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Yarrick: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Inquisitor! Poke him with the soft cushions!
[Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture]
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Inquisitor Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
[JARRING CHORD]
[Zoom into Fang's horrified face]
Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair?
[Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one]
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put him in the Comfy Chair!
[They roughly push him into the Comfy Chair]
Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, Commissar. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!
As always I do not apologize for the content.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/07/12 08:40:20
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Well, we kind of had that a few pages ago, but this one somehow never gets old....
"When in deadly danger,
When beset by doubt,
run in little circles,
wave your arms and shout." - Litany of Command (parody)
DR:80+SG-MB--I+Pw40k13#----D++A+/eWD-R++T(F)DM+
2014/07/12 23:21:10
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Atropamin wrote: Well, we kind of had that a few pages ago, but this one somehow never gets old....
Yes, but before it was just bits and pieces. I figured it would be better to have the whole thing in one go.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/07/13 12:17:40
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
How many Afriel Strain clones does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, and it will be done with extreme efficiency and precision, but the clone will die in the process.
"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad.
2014/07/20 15:34:25
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
It's not fair. Even the Deathwatch don't appreciate my Ork jokes.
It's not their fault. Astartes combat doctrine just doesn't leave mushroom for humour.
I see what you did there.
"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad.
2014/08/08 02:52:23
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Saddened by the dire* fate of the Space Wolves humor thread, I thought I'd contribute at least some choice nicknames the Sisters have for those heretical alcoholic frat boys with the wolfishly handsome bad boy charis....
SISTER RAVEN: Dammit I do not have a thing for Space Wolves I just said their facial hair was almost as good as the Templars' so shut up shut up shut up.
SISTER KORIANDER: Not just a river in Egypt, is it?
SISTER RAVEN: A river in what?
SISTER KORIANDER: I actually have no idea.
Ahem. Thank you, girls. Moving on:
Adepta Sororitas nicknames for Space Wolfs (in order from least to most offensive):
Space Dogs
Space Pigs
Space Drunks
Bloodmurderfangs
Barfbeards
The Emperor's Furry
No, the fanatical murder nuns of pure purity do not like the raging embodiments of messy testorene, not at all.
SISTER KORIANDER: Except Ra....
SISTER RAVEN: Shut. Up.
SISTER KORIANDER: "Oh, Logan! You can deviate from my Codex any day!"
SISTER RAVEN: Shut up I was studying those holopicts for intelligence reasons shut up!
* Heh.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/08/08 03:02:03
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
OK, I got two here, both in spoilers due to length.
The first was inspired by this thread, and the second from here.
Spoiler:
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: (pause)I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this emperor what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead empeor when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable man, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Corpse Emperor! I've got a lovely fresh Psyker for you if you show...
(owner hits the throne)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the throne!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO EMPY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes the emperor off of the throne and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead emperor.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That emperor is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged rallying speech.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable man, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that emperor when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its throne in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that man down, it would have nuzzled up to those Custodes, ripped 'em apart with its teeth, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this man wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This emperor is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the throne 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-EMPEROR!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of emperors.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: (pause) I got a warboss.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
Alternate ending:
Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's shop on Cadia, he'll replace the emperor for you.
Mr. Praline: Cadia, eh? Very well.
(The customer leaves.)
(The customer enters the same shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.)
Mr. Praline: This is Cadia, is it?
Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Krieg.
Mr. Praline: (looking at the camera) That's inter-galactic transport for you.
(Mr. Praine goes to the trsnaport station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)
Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, Intergalactic Transportation Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified Tech-Priest! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Cadian flight and found myself deposited here in Krieg.
Attendant: No, this is Cadia.
Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The shop man's brother was lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame Intergalactic Transports for that.
Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the shop!
(He does.)
Mr. Praline: I understand this IS Cadia.
Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Mr. Praline: You told me it was Krieg!
Owner: ...It was a pun.
Mr. Praline: (pause) A PUN?!?
Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Mr. Praline: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Owner: Yeah, that's it!
Mr. Praline: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Cadia" would be "Aidac"!! It don't work!!
Owner: Well, what do you want?
Mr. Praline: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Commissar: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)
Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!
(he takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it)
Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!...
And number two.
Spoiler:
COMMISSAR ARTHUR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What sergeant leads that squad over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you "Man".
DENNIS: Well, you could say "Dennis".
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called "Dennis".
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from the behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I AM commissariat...
DENNIS: Oh commissar, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the soldiers -- by hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN : Dennis, there's some lovely heretics down here. Oh how d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, Commissar of the Astra Militarum. Who's squad is that?
WOMAN : Commissar of the who?
ARTHUR: The Astra Militarum.
WOMAN : Who are the Astra Militarum?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We're all Astra Militarum and I am your commissar.
WOMAN : I didn't know we had a commissar. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN : Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about, if only people would listen.
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who leads that squad?
WOMAN : No one leads them.
ARTHUR: Then who is your sergeant?
WOMAN : We don't have a sergeant.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN : Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR: I am your commissar!
WOMAN : Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for commissars.
WOMAN : Well, how did you become commissar then?
ARTHUR: The Emperor of Mankind, [angels start singing] his arm clad in the purest shimmering gold, held aloft The Emperor's Benediction from the base of the throne signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry The Emperor's Benediction. [singing stops] That is why I am your commissar!
DENNIS: Listen, strange men lying in a state of decay distributing guns is no basis for a system of military. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical throne room ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some golden corpse threw a gun at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around saying, "I was a commander just because some gilded bink had lobbed a laspistol at me" they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody conscript!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
The scene ends as Commissar Arther shoots Dennis in disgust.
Like all of my blatant rip-offs, I do not apologize.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/09/04 13:37:58
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Monty Python is remarkably grimdark when you look at it ...
BURN IT DOWN BURN IT DOWN BABY BURN IT DOWN
Psienesis wrote: Well, if you check out Sister Sydney's homebrew/expansion rules, you'll find all kinds of units the Sisters could have, that fit with the theme of the Sisters (as a tabletop army) perfectly well, and are damn-near-perfectly balanced.
Sister Purity was selected to premier as a special guest on a dating vox cast show. Sitting on a stool in front of a live studio audience, her flamer in her lap and a peeved look on her face from the distraction from her duties this required to be absent from. 3 curtained areas are before her.
The Commissar host appears beside her and says, "Alright Sister Purity, it's that time of the show. 3 finalists have been selected, and it's up to you to decide which lucky fellow gets to go out on a date with you."
The first curtain is removed, revealing a modest Imperial Guardsman. He makes some basic jokes but she quickly brushes him aside. Behind the third curtain, several odd noises originate. The second curtain is pulled back, revealing a stylish Inquisitor she rather likes. Just as he is about to speak, the noises behind curtain 3 pick up, frustrating the woman.
She angrily rips down curtain 3, "In the name of the Emperor, wha-"
She stops dead at the hulking Black Templar revealed, his hands wrapped around the throats of a dying cultist and several more lying dead at his feet.
He turns to her. "I decided to get some work done in my down time, sorry."
Her eyes get soft and she smiles, hefting her flamer. "Want some help?"
The Black Templar looks back at the struggling cultist and then to her, his expression unreadable behind his helmet. "Is it about to get hot in here, or is that just you?"
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2014/09/04 14:09:00
"There is a cancer eating at the Imperium. With each decade it advances deeper, leaving drained, dead worlds in its wake. This horror, this abomination, has thought and purpose that functions on an unimaginable, galactic scale and all we can do is try to stop the swarms of bioengineered monsters it unleashes upon us by instinct. We have given the horror a name to salve our fears; we call it the Tyranid race, but if is aware of us at all it must know us only as Prey."
Hive Fleet Grootslang 15000+
Servants of the Void 2000+
2014/09/04 17:25:53
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Sister Koriander demanded of the Mechanicum Adept that he procure her something that goes from 0 to 150 in a second. So he produced a scale, and so started the argument...
Sister Raven wanted the Guardsmen to take her some place expensive. So he took her to the local promethium pump, and so started the argument...
Cannonness Cornita and the Inquisitor are out for dinner, when the Cannonness notices someone and a look of righteous hatred crosses her face. The inquisitor asks "Do you recognize him?". To this the cannoness responds "He used to be my former lover. Once we split he started drinking, and hasn't stopped since." The Inquisitor responds "And to think one could continue to celebrate for all these years..." thereby starting the argument...
15 successful trades as a buyer;
16 successful trades as a seller;
To glimpse the future, you must look to the past and understand it. Names may change, but human behavior repeats itself. Prophetic insight is nothing more than profound hindsight.
It doesn't matter how bloody far the apple falls from the tree. If the apple fell off of a Granny Smith, that apple is going to grow into a Granny bloody Smith. The only difference is whether that apple grows in the shade of the tree it fell from.
2014/09/08 03:44:56
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
The past, the present, and the future collided in the warp.
It was tense.
It's hard to explain puns to Deffskull orks because they always take things literally.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
What did Kaptain Badrukk say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
2 vox casters met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
And finally there was the sister who sent twenty different puns to her sisters, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!
2014/09/08 07:04:06
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Amiricle wrote: The past, the present, and the future collided in the warp.
It was tense.
It's hard to explain puns to Deffskull orks because they always take things literally.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
What did Kaptain Badrukk say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
2 vox casters met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
And finally there was the sister who sent twenty different puns to her sisters, with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!
2014/09/08 13:21:15
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
The RSM looks up and down the road, glances up at the sign above his shop without noticing it. He goes inside again. A man walks up, reads the sign and enters. He is Mr Man.
Mr Man Good morning.
RSM Morning, sir.
Mr Man I'd like to join the army please.
RSM I see. Short service or long service commission, sir?
Mr Man As long as possible please.
RSM Right well I'll just take a few particulars and then...
Suddenly he looks as though a dim memory has penetrated his skull. He breaks off, looking thoughtful, walks towards the door and exits. He comes out of shop, looks up at word 'Mary', tuts and changes the letters round to read 'Army'. He suddenly looks round and we see a queue of Novices.
RSM Shove off! (he goes back inside) Then there'll be a few forms to sign, and of course we'll need references and then a full medical examination by the ...
Mr Man Yes. Yes, yes I see. (diffidently) I was just wondering whether it would be possible for me to join... the women's army?
RSM The Adepta Sororitas, sir?
Mr Man Yes. I was just thinking, you know, if it was possible for me to have my choice ... I'd prefer to be in the Adepta Sororitas.
RSM Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here normally go straight into the Adeptus Astartes.
Mr Man Which is all... men... I suppose?
RSM Yes it is.
Mr Man Yes. Are there any factions which are more effeminate than others?
RSM Well, no sir. I mean, apart from the Astra Militarum, they're all dead butch.
Mr Man You see, what I really wanted was a faction where I could be really quiet and have more time to myself to work with fabrics, and creating new concepts in interior design.
RSM Working with fabrics and experimenting with interior design!
Mr Man Yes.
RSM Oh well you want the Death Korp of Krieg then, sir.
Mr Man Oh.
RSM Oh yes. That's the only regiment that's really doing something new with interior design, with colour, texture, line and that.
Mr Man I see.
RSM Oh yes, I mean their use of colour with fabrics is fantastic. I saw their pattern book the other day - beautiful, beautiful. Savage reds, great slabs of black set against aggressive orange. It really makes you want to shout out, this is good! This is real!
Mr Man Really?
RSM Oh yes. I mean the Cadians and the Catachan Regiment are all right if you're interested in the art nouveau William Morris revival bit, but if you really want a regiment of the line that is really saying something about interior decor, then you've got to go for the Death Korp of Krieg.
Mr Man Oh, I've had enough of this. I'm handing in my notice.
RSM What do you mean?
Mr Man Well I mean, when I applied for this job I thought I'd get a few decent lines but you end up doing the whole thing. I mean my last five speeches have been 'really, really - I see - I see' and 'really'. I wouldn't give those lines to a dog.
I would have finished this, but got writers block.
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/09/09 01:35:25
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
There was a Berzerker of Khorne.
An oath to his god he had sworn.
He'd crush and he maim
And then he'd proclaim
"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!"
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/09/09 07:15:10
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Happyjew wrote: There was a Berzerker of Khorne.
An oath to his god he had sworn.
He'd crush and he maim
And then he'd proclaim
"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!"
"No peak, no punchline, no meaning."
Always knew Khorne had a thing for the gentlemen.
"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad.
2014/09/09 08:00:02
Subject: Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
There was a Berzerker of Khorne.
An oath to his god he had sworn.
He'd crush and he maim
And then he'd proclaim
"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD -" <face full of burning Promethium>
Sister: Got to love Poetry Slam BBQs.
SJ
“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world.”
- Ephesians 6:12
2014/09/10 00:53:14
Subject: Re:Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes
Mordian: "Look at all this. Twenty year on and tha's planet is secure. What success we've had in the Emperor's name!"
Cadian: "Aye. But it weren't always like this."
Krieger: "We were all under-supplied back then."
Elysian: "Oh yes. All twenty-five of us huddled in revetment."
Mordian: "Revetment? All we had was traverse!"
Elysian: "Well, when I said 'revetment,' I meant more of a line of gabion filled with broken ferrocrete. We were undersupplied but it was a revetment to us!"
Cadian: "We used to dream of lines of gabion! We had a sandbag each in the middle of assault area."
Mordian: "We didn't even have sandbags."
Elysian: "Or sand."
Mordian: "And on top of that we had to be up 0330 for our turn on front rank! Our commissar would send us off to front rank and when we were done he'd shoot us to sleep! Autocannons front and center."
Elysian: "We were lucky to have a heavy bolter per regiment!"
Krieger: "LUXURY. All we had was a dull spade."
Cadian: "Right. Our platoon had to wake up from behind our sandbag at 2359 two hour before we were relieved from duty to sleep, assault Abaddon's inner sanctum with our bare hands and naughty words and once we got back the Sororitas would set us on fire and kill us to sleep while singing 'Hail To Thee, Holy Emperor!'"
Mordian: "And yet when you tell that to the regiments of today they never believe you!"
Hive Fleet Grootslang 
