Adepta Sororitas Sense of Humor: 1,001 Sisters jokes

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**SisterSydney**

In the grim snarkness of the far future, there is only gallows humour.

Ok, so 1,001 jokes is an aspiration, not a fact quite yet.

Spinning off from amusing but OT discussion in this thread, I'm starting a thread about jokes the Sisters of Battle would tell. I'll get it started in here with some, err, well, they're mostly "how many X does it take to change a lightbulb?" and "what do you call an X that does Y" jokes 'cause those are easy. Better jokes from other people are more than welcome.

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT: This thread is for jokes told BY Sisters of Battle, from an in-universe perspective. This thread is NOT for jokes ABOUT the Sisters, unless they're ones the Sisters would tell about themselves. You want to make jokes about Sisters, please start another thread, especially since those jokes tend to get misogynistic and/or squicky fething fast.

I welcome all feedback, particularly telling me which ones are actually funny and which ones are just lame (suggestions for de-lameification would be very welcome too). Also, these are much funnier if you imagine Sister Koriander as a perky, relentless cheerful redhead and Sister Raven as dark-haired and deadpan to the point of flat affect.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call a male Schola Progenium graduate who's too dumb for the Arbites, too cowardly for the Administratum, too mean for the clergy, and too emotionally dead for the Stormtroopers?
SISTER RAVEN: "Commissar."

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call a Commissar who's out in front of his men, advancing towards the enemy?
SISTER RAVEN: Lost.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Commissars does it take to change a light bulb?
RAVEN: Commissars don't change lightbulbs, they just shoot out the burnt-out ones as a warning to the others to stay lit.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Arbites does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Arbites don't change burnt-out lightbulbs, they just bash them with mauls until they light up again.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Tech-priests does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: I don't know, let me read this sacred manual aloud in a droning chant for ten hours and I'll get back to you.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Imperial Guard does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: A thousand. 100 for the Commissars to shoot as a warning to the others, 200 to fill out paperwork, 300 to drag sledges full of extra lightbulbs, and 400 to fling lightbulbs wildly in every direction until one actually gets in the socket.
PASSING GUARDSMAN: It's funny because it's true.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Navy officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Down on the surface of the planet? Are you crazy? They'll stay safely in orbit, thank you very much.
IMPERIAL NAVY FORWARD OBSERVER: I'm right here, you know.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many psykers does it take to change a lightbulb?
PASSING PSYKER: I knew you would say that.
SISTER RAVEN: Okay, that seriously creeped me out.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Inquisitors does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: You don't need to know that.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many heretics does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: If you've got a heretic, why do you need another light source?

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Mutants does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: If I have a clear line of sight to the light fixture and a full magazine of 20 bolts? 21.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Astartes does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: A million and one. One changes the bulb while another 500,000 defend him from the 500,000 who've turned traitor.
PASSING MARINE SERGEANT: Why I oughta -- making jokes about the Horus Heresy?
SISTER KORIANDER: What, too soon?
MARINE SCOUT: Hey, who's that behind you? Oh, I didn't recognize you covered in the blood of billions like that, High Lord Goge Vandire.
SISTER KORIANDER: Why I oughta...
MARINES (all together): What, too soon?
SISTER RAVEN: Okay, in all fairness, they win that one..

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Dominions does it take to fearlessly scout ahead into enemy territory and change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Just one, but then it takes the whole Order to come in after her and bail her ass out of trouble.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Seraphim does it take to jump down and change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: I lost count, because they keep jumping away again any time it starts to look hard.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Novices does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Who'd be dumb enough trust a Novice with a task that complicated?

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Celestians does it take to change a lightbulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Celestians have more important things to do than change lightbulbs -- they'd tell a Novice to do it.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call Frateris Militia who're advancing fearlessly ahead of you towards the enemy?
SISTER RAVEN: Ablative martyrs.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call Frateris Militia who're running screaming from the enemy?
SISTER RAVEN: Typical.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call Frateris Militia who're trying to spy on you changing out of your armour?
SISTER RAVEN: Bloody typical.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! What do you call Frateris Militia who talk about how Sisters are sexually frustrated nymphos who engage in constant lesbian BDSM orgies?
SISTER RAVEN: Unfortunate victims of a tragic friendly fire incident.

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! A Battle Sister, a Guardsman, and a Marine walk into a bar...
SISTER RAVEN: The Sister executes the other two for heretical immorality and then burns down the bar.
SISTER KORIANDER: Oh. Yeah. Right. That's true.

Edited to add one about Seraphim I forgot.

**Kid_Kyoto**

Koriand'r and Raven?

A Xeno and a witch?

They'd be purged in no time.

Anyway i chuckled, good stuff.

**SisterSydney**

Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Koriand'r and Raven? A Xeno and a witch? They'd be purged in no time.

Shhhh! Don't tell the Superior!

Also, I'm imagining the Teen Titans Go! version, though that may go without saying.

**Melissia**

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Commissars does it take to change a light bulb?
RAVEN: Commissars don't change lightbulbs, they just shoot out the burnt-out ones as a warning to the others to stay lit.

I roflmao'd.

So yeah, this is good stuff.

**ImotekhTheStormlord**

SisterSydney wrote:

SISTER RAVEN: A thousand. 100 for the Commissars to shoot as a warning to the others, 200 to fill out paperwork, 300 to drag sledges full of extra lightbulbs, and 400 to fling lightbulbs wildly in every direction until one actually gets in the socket.
PASSING GUARDSMAN: It's funny because it's true.

This is my favorite.

**Lynata**

Though I don't think the Sisters would resort to "lightbulbs" jokes in-universe, some of those still emit a kind of humour I'd deem suitable. Overall, a great thread, and some of those really had me chuckle. Have an exalt.

**Dark Apostle 666**

Have another Exalt

**ninjafiredragon**

**timetowaste85**

Sister 1: how do you tell when it's "that time of the month" for a Grey Knight?
Sister 2: he starts coating himself in our blood to deny his affliction

**Psienesis**

Adapted from a line told by a Sisters-like character in my DH campaign:

"I am not a priest accepting alms, or a preacher in a pulpit. I am a soldier in His army of the faithful. They want to see His light? I've got a plasma pistol with their name on it."

**Dessorag**

"We will begin tonight by telling all the jokes the Ordo Hereticus finds amusing."
"Moving right along..."

**Troike**

Ha! Funny stuff. The one about the mutants especially made me laugh.

**ace101**

Got to have more marine jokes, that one was hilarious.

Koriander: Hey, How many Blood Ravens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Raven: 3: 1 to screw it in, 1 to catalog the information, and the last 1 to kill the first two to keep the secret.

**kb305**

doublepoost

**Madcat87**

I am pleasantly surprised at the direction this thread went. I enjoyed it.

**kb305**

whenever i read "sororitas" it's a groannnnnnnnn. sounds like a mexican stripper or something. hate that name.

**Psienesis**

o.0

It's a variation on the word "Sorority".

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sorority

To wit: Medieval Latin sororitas: sisterhood, from Latin soror sister
First Known Use: 1900

**Happyjew**

SISTER KORIANDER: What do you call a Lasgun with a laser sight?
SISTER RAVEN: Twin-Linked.

SISTER KORIANDER: What do you call it when you wave your hand in front of it?
SISTER RAVEN: Rapid fire.

SISTER KORIANDER: How does a Space Wolf cure a hangover?
SISTER RAVEN: When one stops drinking, I'll tell you.

SISTER KORIANDER: A Magos walks into a room full of data-stacks, then looks up at an empty light socket and asks "01001000 01101111 01110111 0100000 01101101 01100001 01101110 01111001 0100000 01110100 01100101 01100011 01101000 01110000 01110010 01101001 01100101 01110011 01110100 01110011 0100000 01100100 01101111 01100101 01110011 0100000 01101001 01110100 0100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 0100000 01110100 01101111 0100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101110 01100111 01100101 0100000 01100001 0100000 01101100 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 0100000 01100010 01110101 01101100 01100010 0111111?!"

To which the attending tech priest replies, "01010111 01100101 0100000 01110101 01110011 01100101 0100000 01010011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01101001 01110100 01101111 01110010 01110011 0101100 0100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 0100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01111001 0100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 0100000 01101101 01101111 01101110 01101111 01110100 01100001 01110011 01101011 01100101 01100100 0101110"'

**kb305**

ya, i got the sorority reference. dont really care where it comes from. astartes is a cool sounding work, sororitas not so much.

hm, i see most of it is rip offs of greek words.

**deathmagiks**

Well, Latin more specifically

**Psienesis**

Except the "sororitas" word itself. Which is Latin. For "Sisterhood". Which is what the Adeptus Sororitas is.

"Astartes" just means "stars"... from the Crowleian "Ordo Templi Astartes"... either that or it's a reference to the Assyrian goddess Astarte, who was adopted from the Sumerian goddess Inanna, or the Babylonian goddess Ishtar, all of whom were goddesses of war, sex and fertility.

**Kain**

Sister one: "I'm starving and we've missed three holy feasts."
Sister two: "I'm sure you can ask the Tyranids to let the supply convoys through."
Sister one: "Hmm..."
*Pops out and shouts "Hey gak for brains, feth off I'm hungry!"
*ClickclickSCRREEEE splortch sptang!*
Sister one: "That was dumb...hey, you're the squad Heavy Flamer right?"
*Sister two hefts her flamer and quirks an eyebrow*
Sister one: "I have a plan..."

*Five minutes later*

*Sister one comes back with a missile launcher from a dead marine and fires a frag missile into a mass of hormagaunts, prompting them to charge, backed by some warriors.*

*Sister two pops out and maniacally shouts various profanities and commands to burn.*

*Sister one gets out the bread and lettuce rations and a power maul.*

*One year later.*

Sister one: "And that's how the Order of Cold purity both saved Muscovy Hive and started the Nidwhopper."

**Happyjew**

SISTER KORIANDER: I say, these Fire Warriors have no noses.
SISTER RAVEN:No noses?!? How do they smell?
SISTER KORIANDER: Terrible.

**Luke_Prowler**

SISTER KORIANDER: What do you call an ork who's on fire?
SISTER RAVEN: A flaming fun guy

SISTER KORIANDER: What kind of music does an exorcist play?
Sister of Raven: Any kind it wants to

**Happyjew**

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Slaaneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Two. But don't ask me how they got in there.

**Psienesis**

Sister Koriander: Sister Raven, why is the convent in mourning attire?
Sister Raven: Oh, it is terrible! The Order Mascot, Mister Fluffy, ran away this morning! This is a terrible sign on the dawn of a battle!
Sister Koriander: Well, you know what that makes him?
Sister Raven: What?
Sister Koriander: Smarter than us!

**SisterSydney**

Luke_Prowler wrote:
SISTER KORIANDER: What do you call an ork who's on fire?
SISTER RAVEN: A flaming fun guy

Owwwww. Just got this terrible, terrible pun on second reading. God that's beautifully awful.

Automatically Appended Next Post:

Happyjew wrote:

SISTER KORIANDER: How does a Space Wolf cure a hangover?
SISTER RAVEN: When one stops drinking, I'll tell you.

PASSING SPACE WOLF: It's funny because it's TRRRROOOOOOOOOO [vomits, passes out].

**Lobokai**

I was surprised/impressed... not to bad

**Oakenshield**

These made me smile, but I think the format is wrong. These would make really good strips for a webcomic.

**Kroothawk**

SISTER KORIANDER: Hey Sister! How many Grey Knights does it take to change a light bulb?
SISTER RAVEN: Just one ... plus the blood of 5 Sisters just to be on the safe side.

*ducking and making my Ward safe*