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TL;DR: Grown man makes excuses for not going to one of the biggest FLGS in North America to play Warmachine; wonders what is wrong with him.

Not sure if I need a shrink or just a good smack in the jaw, but I have this problem that’s bothering me: I wish I could bring myself to play Warmachine for real (ex. going to my FLGS to play), but I can’t.

The issues are on two levels: skill and commitment.

For skill, I am extremely green. I have never played against another person, only built armies and played them against each other. I love this part of the hobby—painting models, building cohesive armies, working out the what-ifs, learning the rules—but I know Warmachine is an extremely technical game for smart people. One of my greatest fears, despite being a grown man, is taking my super-cool Menoth army to my FLGS (which happens to be Calgary’s The Sentry Box) and getting trounced by some pimply 16-year-old who then laughs in my face. I am fully aware this is stupid but I can’t shake the mental image.

On the commitment front, I have a wife who only kind of tolerates me being a gamer/nerd. Since she doesn’t outright hate me playing video games etc., I guess I have it pretty good. I just can’t see her being happy when I tell her, ‘Oh, I’ll be out every Thursday night playing with toys, which you associate with the geeks on Big Bang Theory and thus astutely refuse to play with me. Because of said refusal, our limited together-time will have to suffer so I can hang out drinking Monster with pimply 16-year-olds.’

I appreciate the irony of a ‘grown man’ having this pretty childish dilemma, because I’ve had this fear of getting involved in a gaming community (of any kind) for years. I realize this is the very negative side of things (my default side). Maybe my army is actually really good. Maybe my wife would get the hint and want to play if I started abandoning her Thursday nights. But I wrote this as a question, not just idle speculation, because I’m tired of speculating.

What does the forum think? Are my fears unfounded? Should I just go out and do it? Or am I really too old and should just worry about my RRSPs instead?

Your fears aren't unfounded. IDK. It mostly depends on the relationship you have with the wife.

Mine was very dismissive of the hobby at first, but when she saw the commitment, the time I spend on it and the pride I take in painting well-ish my models, and the enjoyment I get from hanging with friends and getting trashed by them, she understands. My previous girlfriend thought it was pure heresy and refused to have me even mention it when with her family.

Do you spend some quality time with her otherwise? If you give her enough time that she doesn't feel neglected (in a mature way, not a needy 16 year old kinda way) you ought to be fine, honestly. Cook a meal, clean up a bit, it builds a lot of freebies in the bank.

 Mathieu Raymond wrote:
Do you spend some quality time with her otherwise? If you give her enough time that she doesn't feel neglected (in a mature way, not a needy 16 year old kinda way) you ought to be fine, honestly. Cook a meal, clean up a bit, it builds a lot of freebies in the bank.

Haha yeah, we do hang out doing things she likes (watching movies, TV, etc.) and I do most of the cooking and cleaning because I like doing it. I just can't get her to play any 'nerdy' things with me, like Magic, video games...

I consider pulling the 'I do things you like, you should do things that I like', but that feels pretty childish honestly.

Yup.

I often get asked if I can play a game or two at a local store (much as I dislike playing in them. The store and owner are fine, I just don't get along with magic players or bad hygiene).

The request is usually made to the minister for war and finance as "can I go out and play?"

Usually after I've cooked dinner and it's all ready for her whenever she wants it. I'm the househubby - so doing the dishes, laundry, cleaning and cooking is what I do normally.

I've known my wife for about 26 years, we've been together for 13 and married for 8 (almost). I was a gamer before we met, let alone got together. She knows this and is fine with it.
I just make a point of clearing it with her instead of just assuming I can do it. I don't do it often during the week (my normal gaming days are sundays).

Your first concern is pretty valid too. You can get all types at a FLGS.

Perhaps you can try the volunteer Press Gang system Warmachine has. A few tutorial games for you first before playing pick up games?

Sheesh, I couldnt imagine being controlled by Fiancee. I would never let that happen

Personally I would think that this sort of thing should be sorted out before marriage. Otherwise problems like this could arise where one feels like they are missing out on certain things and so forth.

I have been with my wife since the age of 15 and I have been gaming for longer than that. SO its just accepted as part of me. She is proud though because of the hobby aspect and tactical bits and bobs. Just show her that there is more to it than pushing miniatures around would be my advise.

If that doesnt work, then just do it. Be your own man and do what you want. As long as it doesnt screw over other aspects of your life (other commitments etc) then there is no real reason to be against it that I can see.

So moderation and education is my proposed solution.

I have no idea how to fix help with the store problem. I play at a club with friends weekly so its not a problem I am accustomed to dealing with.

As for broadening your horizons, it will benefit you more than anything. New tactics, new ideas, new lists and so on. Your gaming hobby will become far more enjoyable when you open up to a community. Friends are another positive. So id say give it a try. You can never go wrong with playing new people or groups. For this very reason I will be going to my first tournament for flames of war. I have been playing the same few people for years and want to expand my experience etc.

Gehennar wrote:
On the commitment front, I have a wife who only kind of tolerates me being a gamer/nerd. Since she doesn’t outright hate me playing video games etc., I guess I have it pretty good. I just can’t see her being happy when I tell her, ‘Oh, I’ll be out every Thursday night playing with toys, which you associate with the geeks on Big Bang Theory and thus astutely refuse to play with me. Because of said refusal, our limited together-time will have to suffer so I can hang out drinking Monster with pimply 16-year-olds.’

Sounds like this is your problem. A healthy relationship allows both people to have their own independent hobbies even if the other person has no interest in them. I guess there must be something to make you want to stay, but for me this would be a giant "GET OUT NOW" warning sign.

I'm in Calgary and never get to play Warmachine, if you're interested in a game with a pimply 35 year old feel free to PM me.

Warmachine is pretty brutal, and does lend itself to savage beatings at the hands of heartless teens.

As far as the wife thing goes you have to decide how much you enjoy the gaming side of things. I've gone to tournaments/game nights and come away thinking "I wish I'd spent that time with my wife/kids". That's really a comment on the people I was playing with than the game, but it's still valid.
I tend to play only with close friends now, which does limit my gaming options but I know that I'm getting a good social experience out of the time spent regardless.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Peregrine wrote:

Gehennar wrote:
On the commitment front, I have a wife who only kind of tolerates me being a gamer/nerd. Since she doesn’t outright hate me playing video games etc., I guess I have it pretty good. I just can’t see her being happy when I tell her, ‘Oh, I’ll be out every Thursday night playing with toys, which you associate with the geeks on Big Bang Theory and thus astutely refuse to play with me. Because of said refusal, our limited together-time will have to suffer so I can hang out drinking Monster with pimply 16-year-olds.’

Sounds like this is your problem. A healthy relationship allows both people to have their own independent hobbies even if the other person has no interest in them. I guess there must be something to make you want to stay, but for me this would be a giant "GET OUT NOW" warning sign.

A realisitc relationship will always involve little conflicts that rise and fall as time passes. Let's not get all Jerry Springer here.

Yeah, but a healthy realistic relationship shouldn't have one partner fear ridicule at the hands of the other for engaging in perfectly normal social activities.

Could be worse - I know one imploded relationship where the guy started letting his jerkass flag fly every time my friend would read, and would even throw them away for no other reason than than y'know she was reading one and left it laying out on the coffee table.

Is there something you and your wife mutually like that you both could look into more? How invested are you in the hobby?

I can tell you this. There are parts of me that regret ever getting involved in tabletop wargaming. In fact I'm stuck right now thinking whether I should leave the hobby or try to stick with it. I can tell you right now after reading this topic I'm leaning more towards leaving it. Maybe you should too. It says on your profile you only started in 2010.... maybe its not to late to back out now and find something else. Do you have kids? Maybe you need kids... yeah... there you go... make some babies... that's a way better hobby.

I've never appreciated my hobby time more since having kids.
djphranq: You sound like you are talking about a crack addiction, maybe you should take a break.

My wife used to be a little ... odd when I started getting into 40k. I have always played videogames as well as board games such as Axis and Allies, Civ, and others. When 40k came into the picture I took a vast amount of crap over it. From her as well as my family. It took some time but after a little while (about a year or so) she realized that this was not going to be a quick fad for me.

She had the impression that all of the people I played 40k with were teenagers and did not know what laundry detergent was. In her defense, I will say that her brother plays Magic and has a certain .... odor about him, fairly like Pigpen from Peanuts. After I got the majority of my army purchased and she saw what it entailed, she understood that it was going to be around for a little bit.

It was not until one of her friends asked to see some of my painted models and commented about how nice they looked, assuming that they came pre-painted. I explained and showed her friend that all of the models that I have came as grey plastic crack, and it began to dawn on her that I was actually not too bad of a painter and that the hobby might have some other uses as well. She has recently asked me to paint her Buell over the winter.

You really should just go to the shop and play a game or 6. If your wife has a problem with that then she will have to get over it. I do not mean to sound like a jerk but this is the thing: If you are paying your bills and have extra income that you want to spend on something that you enjoy, that is not illegal ... then I do not see the problem. I hate to say it but society has a severe problem with smart people. The vast majority of people that I play 40k with are very intelligent. Far more so than the people that I work with. For example, most of the guys that I play wargames with know who Steven Hawkings is .... most of the Ironworkers that I work with have NEVER heard of him, much less care about the advancement to science that he has had a hand in ... truth be told they think science is a class that they had in school and that is it.

Besides that ... you might meet some really cool people that you would never meet otherwise. I know I have.

I am 40 yrs old and don't mind playing the kids at the shop. At first I was a little uncertain but after you get to know the people at the store you will meet the older crowd. You would not believe the 40+ people who play table top games, I even play against a judge at the shop.

 plastictrees wrote:
I've never appreciated my hobby time more since having kids.
djphranq: You sound like you are talking about a crack addiction, maybe you should take a break.

IBelieve me... I'm totally thinking of taking a break... a permanent break... Its cool how there's people my age (35) ...or younger or older... who can feel comfortable in their pursuits. I'm finding that I'm not one of those people.

OP... don't listen to me.... I'm just in a real bummer mode right now. You sound like you genuinely like what you're doing so maybe keep at it.

If your wife does not accept this part of you and seems to insist that you suppress it, sounds like your relationship won't last very long.

Having been married for 19 years, if your partner is not accepting of your hobbies, you basically have two choices; change your partner or change yourself.

I am not saying it is going to happen immediately.

What I am saying is that sometime in the future you will look yourself in the face and wonder just who the hell you are if you change for her.

Marriage is a compromising partnership between best friends. I would never let my best friend shame me into not doing things I liked.

Eh, the Mrs. complains when I go out and play on occasion (I work an oddball shift, so our time together can be limited on good weeks), but I make an effort to make sure she's happy before I head out.

Most folks will be helpful towards new players (YMMV). Look around for local groups or pressgangers, should help you ease into playing with strangers.

 Peregrine wrote:
Sounds like this is your problem. A healthy relationship allows both people to have their own independent hobbies even if the other person has no interest in them. I guess there must be something to make you want to stay, but for me this would be a giant "GET OUT NOW" warning sign.

jamesk1973 wrote:
If your wife does not accept this part of you and seems to insist that you suppress it, sounds like your relationship won't last very long.

Just to turn aside any 'you done goofed on that there marriage' comments, we do have a lot in common—we love travel and wine and cooking and going out with friends etc., and do all this together. We've known each other for 8 years and she knew I was a huge nerd at day 3, when I mentioned I played World of Warcraft and she laughed because she thought it was just a game South Park made up.

She has never 'insisted I suppress' any part of my nerdiness. She just refuses to take part in it because it doesn't interest her—the same way that a lot of her favourite shows are are uninteresting or even off-putting to me. She grew up as a cool kid, I grew up as the high-school outcast.

On a lot of fronts we are complete opposites and that is precisely why I put a ring on it. There's no situation we can't tackle when we're together.

YAYYY MUSHY!

i tell mine it is better than me going to the PUb or the Nudy bar. it usually works.
BTW i am a 42 yr. old gamer.

Also i am not much for gaming in shops,i prefer at home or at friends hpuse.As i prefer to smoke when i game and cuss alot,usually at my dice And if we are playing blood bowl mass quanities of Beer.
got any friends that might be interested? in gaming? that is what i usually do.talk them in starting up a force and try a few demo games with them. Also hippies are always a good resource for gaming players if you can handle the smells.also RTS players i have found usually are willing wargamers and usually do not know any or barely know wargamers.

My dad is crowding 60, he still plays 40k with me and my 30 year old friends. Granted if my mom calls him, he's up and leaving shortly after but, hell, that's marriage.

She doesn't want to play, word. Can't win'em all I guess. But hey, the next time she's all like "I want clothes, let's go look at things for three hours and then I'll only buy a pretzel from Auntie Anne's as we leave the mall", remember that and use it later on. You both have rights to being happy, being a gamer means you play with other gamers, if she wants to be included she needs to suck it up and enter the den of nerdness.

I hate random pick-up games. I'm a high school teacher, technically, and kids don't intimidate me per se, but meeting strangers at a store that are overly eager makes me nervous. They're just being friendly, and *really* want to tell me about their army, and why they play, and that cool round they had once, but it's just... too much for me.

I've been with someone who hated and made me suppress my nerdiness (she also watched Big Bang Theory). My current partner and I fell in love during RPGs and games of Catan.

Even if she and I didn't have mutual interests (i.e, nerd stuff), I know she would still support my hobby because I'm passionate about it.

What I noticed when I was playing WM and driving 45 minutes to do so is that I tended to talk myself out of it more than anything. Maybe you are just worried about being new? Noob shaming is very real in video games, but I have never experienced it firsthand in a game store (nor would I tolerate it).

Play some games dude!

1. You only get better by playing games. If you're really worried about losing just let the guy know you're learning and maybe ask him to teach you.

2. Its a hobby, therefore its going to be viewed as a waste of time/weird by somebody. Don't worry about it. Just explain that it makes you happy and its a "safe" hobby. You could easily have decided to pick up hang gliding, hunting, extreme sports, etc. Don't call it "toys", just call it what it is. Its a strategy game with models that you paint up for display. Its similar to people that have fly tying as a hobby, or a guy who plays board games with his family on the weekend.

its only weird if you make it weird

 Mathieu Raymond wrote:
I hate random pick-up games. I'm a high school teacher, technically, and kids don't intimidate me per se, but meeting strangers at a store that are overly eager makes me nervous. They're just being friendly, and *really* want to tell me about their army, and why they play, and that cool round they had once, but it's just... too much for me.

Seconded. I once went to a GW store to check out the new models and there was a kid's party happening there. They all just kept coming up to me and telling me how much they liked x model or y race, and every comment I made they echoed it around the table like I was some kind of sage. It was really creepy actually!

 melkorthetonedeaf wrote:
What I noticed when I was playing WM and driving 45 minutes to do so is that I tended to talk myself out of it more than anything. Maybe you are just worried about being new? Noob shaming is very real in video games, but I have never experienced it firsthand in a game store (nor would I tolerate it).

I am guilty of this too. While I only live 10 minutes away from my FLGS, I am a pro at talking myself out of entering social situations. Back when I started the hobby I went and played 40k for a couple weekends; I was scared shitless at first that I was going to look a fool but I found the guys really fun and helpful. Then I never went back. I looked at their armies and was like, 'oh my god, they all have a zillion tanks. I have 1000 points in badly-balanced troops. If they actually played against me for real I would get pulverized. I need to buy like $500 in tanks to be viable...' etc etc.

I think with WM I will have more confidence in my actual army composition; the customization is less intense and I feel like you can take a wider variety of units—as long as they are focused somehow it's bound to be fun if not successful.

Gehennar wrote:I consider pulling the 'I do things you like, you should do things that I like', but that feels pretty childish honestly.

The adult way is the reverse of this. Where you can say "I do things you don't like, you can do things I don't like" and actually talk about how it's okay for you to have interests that are different.

Gehennar wrote:

Seconded. I once went to a GW store to check out the new models and there was a kid's party happening there...

I'd recommend avoiding the GW stores at all costs; parents like to use them as free babysitters while they get their shopping done, and the staff are pretty aggressive with their sales. I've been painting and gaming for over 30 years and I hate setting foot in them; FLGS are much more casual. Calgary has several other good options besides Sentry Box too; I like Imaginary Wars in the south.

If you're concerned about your skill level, just go to one of the gaming nights and hang out for an hour and watch; that way you're not abandoning your wife for an entire evening, and you can just get a feel for both the people and the game. Chances are you'll find at least a couple of people you can relate to maturity-wise, and start asking questions. I've found players are always happy to help out new players, and you can probably set up a game for another night. At worst, every single player turns out to be an immature tool, and you haven't had to commit to a game.

Take up plastictrees on his offer to get a game in; he's always fun to play against. I'd offer to play, but I don't have Warmachine, and plastictrees can attest to the fact that I probably wouldn't show up anyways. I have issues.

Gehennar wrote:
]
What does the forum think? Are my fears unfounded? Should I just go out and do it? Or am I really too old and should just worry about my RRSPs instead?

For gaming at the FLGS, you should try it out. You might not enjoy it. You might love it. But if you don't try it, it's going to bother you whether or not you made the right decision. Also, don't give up! You might enjoy a tournament, or campaign style play might be for you. You might find a few friends there and decide to only play with them. There's not one 'right' way to do the hobby, but you should definitely look around. Also, why go to one of the largest FLGSes in North America, why not try out a smaller venue? Going into a big gaming hall can be intimidating for all but the most outgoing people!

On the topic of the relationship, I think that it's healthy when people have some (not all) but some different interests. You and your wife aren't suddenly one person because you are married. Having different interests keeps you from being boring to each other. You will have new experiences that she won't, and vice versa. If you both only do everything together, then all of your stories are rehashed. It also gives you both a little personal space. People who can carve out a little 'me time' in a relationship seem to be much more balanced. That can be a hobby, a social group, or a volunteer activity.

I also really, really think that instead of being worried about being 'too old', you should be actively trying to learn new things as you get older. Mental flexibility fights off a lot of the signs of aging and dementia! I'm not saying that you are OLD, but that's it's not just okay to do new things, it's something that should be encouraged!

"My wife tolerates..." "...doesn't hate..."

I'm always taken aback by how easy I seem to find married life! A lot of gamers seem be in this sort of position from what I've read around forums. Don't be scared of your spouses, people, they married you. You don't need to impress them anymore!

With regards to the ol' ball and chain, counter any negative vibes with: Ok honey, I agree it's a silly waste of time, resources and talent. How about I spend the money on cocaine and prostitutes instead?

Honestly I don't know why you'd want your partner to get involved with wargaming.

You do a load of **** together already, grab some alone time, and be glad she isn't getting stuck in.




As long as she isnt throwing derision your way its all good. My girlfriend occasionally says ''Wow thats painted pretty good.'' or asks me if me and my buddies mash the models together while talking for them like Action Men... And thats about as much input as i want or need, lol.

Gehennar wrote:

Just to turn aside any 'you done goofed on that there marriage' comments, we do have a lot in common—we love travel and wine and cooking and going out with friends etc., and do all this together. We've known each other for 8 years and she knew I was a huge nerd at day 3, when I mentioned I played World of Warcraft and she laughed because she thought it was just a game South Park made up.

She has never 'insisted I suppress' any part of my nerdiness. She just refuses to take part in it because it doesn't interest her—the same way that a lot of her favourite shows are are uninteresting or even off-putting to me. She grew up as a cool kid, I grew up as the high-school outcast.

You made it sound previously like the hates you playing games and only just tolerates it as long as you don't actually play, which is, frankly, not on and borderline abusive.

Now your saying she just doesn't want to play games with you, which are two different things entirely. My wive love knitting. I have zero interest in knitting and zero interest in doing knitting. That doesn't mean I tolerate her doing it, it just means its something that doesn't interests me.

From what you are saying, I can give two bits of advice.

1) Get out and game. It's your life, and up to you. It's one night a week. We all need our own space and hobbies. Stop trying to get your wife involved. Keep something that is just for you. If you REALLY want to share some geeky hobby with her start on board games. Try something like ticket to ride or carcassonne.
2) Stop stressing. If your wife does hate it then you need to talk to her about it as that is not on. If she actually is just not interested then your putting allot of blaim on her unfairly which will just grow and cause resentment. Let it go.

Dreadsock will solve this problem.