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Made in gb
Lethal Lhamean





Leeds, UK

BlapBlapBlap wrote:

Dear Mr Emperor,

We've been learning about IG recruitment at Space Scouts today. I really wanna join, but I accidentally shot another kid's eye out. I then proceeded to slaughter everyone in the room and start drinking their bloods. When I talked to the Space Nuns about this they went away for a bit. One came back with a Bolt Pistol and I bit her arm off. I then went home and I had horns growing out of my head! Why is this happening to me?

Johnny Beckweiser


Dear Johnny,

This is a perfectly normal, and easily explainable occurence. Johnny, congratulations, you're destined to be a Commissar! Generals will tremble at the thought of you! Entire armies will fall to your final word!

I realise that the bolt pistol / nuns arms thing was a bit of a shocker, it's not what you think... you remember that velvety green cushion that the pistol was on? When you see those, it means that someone's giving you a gift. Please, please please remember this, as I don't want you offing my generals if they try to give you a medal on a presentation pillow one day. Oh, and by the way, those aren't horns, they're those pointless, hard, ivy leaves. your short peaked cap should start to show through soon

So once again my congratulations! Go forth and kill more of our guys than the enemy does!

Regards,

Da Emprah

-----

Dear our Most Divine Emperor,

It is I, Sister Yasmin of the Divine Flame here. Thank you for taking the time out of reading space lads mags and watching foot-grot to read this letter. I hoped that you could clear up a little concern that I have regarding the battle plate that I and my sisters have to wear. You see, the thing is, they're only really suited to the "average on top" woman, and I'm anything but, as are (actually) all of my sisters. And all of the sisters that I've ever met come to think of it. I'm not sure that I understand why in all of the art work that I've seen, we Sisters are shown as being well equipped in under shirt holy hand grenade department, but our armour is always a size or 2 too small...

Any chance that you can speak to someone about this, as Sister Clementine had to have a bionic chin implanted after a rather embarrasing incident involving some stairs, and one of those Xenos Eldar (Eldrad I think he's known as) that just stood there laighing, and a couple of our initiates can't actually aim down there iron sights for it. Add in that nearby Guardsmen don't stop staring, even when getting chopped up by orcs, and I'm sure you'll understand why I think this needs taking care of.

Your most devoted sister

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/12/03 00:01:26


   
Made in us
[MOD]
Swamp Thing





The Great Marsh

kitch102 wrote:Dear our Most Divine Emperor,

It is I, Sister Yasmin of the Divine Flame here. Thank you for taking the time out of reading space lads mags and watching foot-grot to read this letter. I hoped that you could clear up a little concern that I have regarding the battle plate that I and my sisters have to wear. You see, the thing is, they're only really suited to the "average on top" woman, and I'm anything but, as are (actually) all of my sisters. And all of the sisters that I've ever met come to think of it. I'm not sure that I understand why in all of the art work that I've seen, we Sisters are shown as being well equipped in under shirt holy hand grenade department, but our armour is always a size or 2 too small...

Any chance that you can speak to someone about this, as Sister Clementine had to have a bionic chin implanted after a rather embarrasing incident involving some stairs, and one of those Xenos Eldar (Eldrad I think he's known as) that just stood there laighing, and a couple of our initiates can't actually aim down there iron sights for it. Add in that nearby Guardsmen don't stop staring, even when getting chopped up by orcs, and I'm sure you'll understand why I think this needs taking care of.

Your most devoted sister

Dear Sis,

You got a White Dwarf update, and now you want more? What... like new models?

Pffffffffft.
Emp

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Space Emperor,

Why is it that we can only hit things with our guns from about the same distance away that we can run and hit them with our bare hands? Something seems wrong in our universe, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Yours,
I. Inquisitor


   
Made in tt
[MOD]
Humble acolyte






Arlington, Virginia (USA)

RiTides wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

Why is it that we can only hit things with our guns from about the same distance away that we can run and hit them with our bare hands? Something seems wrong in our universe, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Yours,
I. Inquisitor



Sigh... I thought I explained this already.

Look, obviously it's the year 40,000 AD or whatever and sure we can make guns with a longer range than throwing a rock.

BUT, now this is important, what would it do to game balance?

I mean think of the poor Orks and those bug guys, they'd be creamed.

And then the Imperium would go soft and one fine day we'd be overrun by commie fish men from space or something.

SO, we have to keep our guns nerfed to maintain some balance in the universe.

Yours in Balance
The Emporer of Space

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey Grandpa!

You say you're the Emporer of Space, but you LIVE ON A PLANET!

Ha! You can't be the Emporer of Space then can you! I have destroyed you with my logic!

What? Look I'm dictating a letter here, come back later. No! I don't want to see a magic trick, why don't you go turn some more of your marines into dust! Oh now you're crying, real mature. Fricking Ahriman...

Where was I, did you write that down? No! Go back, delete that! I don't want it sent!

No! I didn't say send, I- oh crud.

Yours in Heresy
Abbadon D'Spoiler

 
   
Made in gb
Lieutenant Colonel







Dear Abbadon D'Spoiler,
I wish you would literally sod off elsewhere. You are so ineffectual, you barely even raise my ire anymore. You are like an Amoeba to a Rhino, infact even writing back to you is more recognition than you deserve. Oh good luck with the 13th Crusade, I stopping giving a feth after the 1st one, if it wasn't such a comedy of errors watching your inept little band of miscreants I would truly find it tragic. But then you are the biggest liability in the Galaxy, and I am very much looking forward to witnessing your next epic fail of a Crusade.

The Big E
(Most successful Human being in history)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor, Beloved by all,
It has recently come to attention at the Adeptus Fiscal, that you opened a Bank account during the Unification Wars with 10000 Credits. Over the last 10,000+ years this has accrued average interest of 5%. Well basically, we cannot honour your account anymore...It is simply too large a sum of Capital. Infact the total is too much for any Financial institution to honour. Therefore we intend to zero your account in 28 days time.
If you wish to make alternative arrangements, You must make an appointment to see our executive accounts manager in person within the next 28 days (remember to bring two forms of ID).

Yours

Asta Dominus
Senior Accounts Director
Adeptus Fiscal


This message was edited 3 times. Last update was at 2011/12/03 21:06:04


Collecting Forge World 30k????? If you prefix any Thread Subject line on 30k or Pre-heresy or Horus Heresy with [30K] we can convince LEGO and the Admin team to create a 30K mini board if we can show there is enough interest! 
   
Made in us
[MOD]
Swamp Thing





The Great Marsh

mwnciboo wrote:Dear Emperor, Beloved by all,
It has recently come to attention at the Adeptus Fiscal, that you opened a Bank account during the Unification Wars with 10000 Credits. Over the last 10,000+ years this has accrued average interest of 5%. Well basically, we cannot honour your account anymore...It is simply too large a sum of Capital. Infact the total is too much for any Financial institution to honour. Therefore we intend to zero your account in 28 days time.
If you wish to make alternative arrangements, You must make an appointment to see our executive accounts manager in person within the next 28 days (remember to bring two forms of ID).

Yours

Asta Dominus
Senior Accounts Director
Adeptus Fiscal

Dear Senior Accounts Director,

First, did you NOT receive my Handicap Special Concessions Form 00029387KA4? I have sent it 3 times now. No?? Let me spell it out for you, then...

I AM STUCK IN A CHAIR, YOU IDIOT.

Yes, that's right, I said it. I CANNOT come by in-person. I also lack the necessary forms of ID as I have not been able to get "out and about", as it were, to have my picture taken for oh... the last 39,984 years or so, if I had to guess. Do you take student IDs?

I need these funds for a small personal hobby purchase that I've been planning, and a few gifts since it's the season for it. Don't let me down.

Yours forever seated,
E. M. Porer

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Big E,

I found this intro for "Big O" and thought it was pretty spiffy. Think you might be able to whip up something similar for yourself? Honestly, right now I think it just outclasses you.

Yours,
Biggies






   
Made in tt
[MOD]
Humble acolyte






Arlington, Virginia (USA)


Dear Big E,

I found this intro for "Big O" and thought it was pretty spiffy. Think you might be able to whip up something similar for yourself? Honestly, right now I think it just outclasses you.

Yours,
Biggies




Ha! Watch this!

Embedding disabled BY IMPERIAL COMMAND OF THE SPACE EMPORER OF SPACE!
Click here-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ to see on You Tube

See, much better!

Your academy award-seeking
Emporer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer

I've been working in my organization for quite a few light years. Our boss is generally a good bloke but I can tell he's getting on in years, making some bad choices, falling into a rut, and killing any servant who looks at him.

He has this grand vision and has tried 12 times to realize it, we're not in the middle of try #13 and it ain't going so hot.

So how can I explain to him that maybe it's time to set aside, let a younger man sit in the big chair, and maybe take more of behind the scenes role.

We of course respect his achievements, but it's time for a new vision.

Yours
D. Rider
123 Cocaine Street
Awesome World
IO Terror



This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/12/07 22:42:23


 
   
Made in us
Stabbin' Skarboy





WHEREVA DA FIGHTIN IZ BEST

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer

I've been working in my organization for quite a few light years. Our boss is generally a good bloke but I can tell he's getting on in years, making some bad choices, falling into a rut, and killing any servant who looks at him.

He has this grand vision and has tried 12 times to realize it, we're not in the middle of try #13 and it ain't going so hot.

So how can I explain to him that maybe it's time to set aside, let a younger man sit in the big chair, and maybe take more of behind the scenes role.

We of course respect his achievements, but it's time for a new vision.

Yours
D. Rider
123 Cocaine Street
Awesome World
IO Terror

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. D Rider

Have you tried seperating from him and starting your own company. Or how about killing him so I dont have to send my space marines in their to whoop his a*s. How about coming back out here so we can hand you over to the inquisition you heretical ba*tard.

The Space Emporer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dea Mr emporor guy
Our Boss says "we shuld let 'im go, eez a gud fight" but eva sence den 'ee aint been 'imself and keeps gettin our buts kicked. Shuld I kill im? or wot shuld I do 'bout it?

yer 'uumie git
wiggles da guardzmen

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/12/09 20:33:45


http://higgaraspot.blogspot.com/

follow me on my blog!
or he will find you and eat you in your sleep! 
   
Made in gb
Lieutenant Colonel








Dea Mr emporor guy
Our Boss says "we shuld let 'im go, eez a gud fight" but eva sence den 'ee aint been 'imself and keeps gettin our buts kicked. Shuld I kill im? or wot shuld I do 'bout it?

yer 'uumie git
wiggles da guardzmen
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Fungus,
I will not stoop to your level of poor Grammar and so called "Text Speak". Please do not write again, however do be aware that a special delegation of mine will be paying you a very special personal visit in the near future.

Yours

The Big E
(note to self, must pass on to the Mechanicum to fill up some Cyclonic Torpedoes with some Weed killer to get on top of this Galactic fungal infection).
-------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
I know you've been around along time, but, well did you see "The Who" and "Jefferson Airplane" on the Saturday of Woodstock in 69?

Yours

Coco Summer Pearl Necklace III
Grim Dark Hippie

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/12/10 17:02:07


Collecting Forge World 30k????? If you prefix any Thread Subject line on 30k or Pre-heresy or Horus Heresy with [30K] we can convince LEGO and the Admin team to create a 30K mini board if we can show there is enough interest! 
   
Made in fi
Long-Range Black Templar Land Speeder Pilot




Right behind you...

mwnciboo wrote:
Dear Emperor,
I know you've been around along time, but, well did you see "The Who" and "Jefferson Airplane" on the Saturday of Woodstock in 69?

Yours

Coco Summer Pearl Necklace III
Grim Dark Hippie


Dear Coco Summer Pearl Necklace III Grim Dark Hippie

What do you mean by sixty nine? The year sixty nine or some century after that? I have lived for millenia, and I remember thousands of year "69s". But since this is the beginning of the second millenium, I suppose you mean the year 1969.

Unfortunately not, I was too busy trying to end the great war between the nations known as United States and Vietnam. No man should fight each other, and I was busy negotiating for peace. I remember I used the identity of Henry Kissinger, or was it Richard Nixon. Of this, I am not sure.

Yours
The Emperor

PS. I wonder what were your parents thinking when they named you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor

I am a Menial in an Ecclesiarchal school. The other day, Sister Superior of the Order of the Dark Rose came to me and suggested she could help me with my promotion to the rank of a full preacher, but first I would have to "penetrate her rear defenses with my assault drill, and then deploy my invasion force". What should I do? The Sister Superior made me a little nervous with her proximity and I fear she may have some ulterior motives. What should I do?

Yours
Nervous Menial Decius

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2011/12/10 17:38:02


There is only the Emperor, and he is our shield and protector.




 
   
Made in us
Deathwing Terminator with Assault Cannon





Gillette Wyoming

Battle Brother Ambrosius wrote:

Dear Emperor

I am a Menial in an Ecclesiarchal school. The other day, Sister Superior of the Order of the Dark Rose came to me and suggested she could help me with my promotion to the rank of a full preacher, but first I would have to "penetrate her rear defenses with my assault drill, and then deploy my invasion force". What should I do? The Sister Superior made me a little nervous with her proximity and I fear she may have some ulterior motives. What should I do?

Yours
Nervous Menial Decius


Dear Menial Decius
I would first off forget about the Drill, you will need far heavier firepower, a Nova cannon ought to penetrate the defense's, if you cannot get one of those I would suggest a full chapter of Space Wolves to pentrate her rear defences whilst a full Crusade worth of Imperial guardsmen take care of the rest."
Yours Trully
The God Emperor of Mankind


Oy God Emprah
I am Boss Cluckyscratcha, lately the gitz in my hulk have not been listenin' to me, and allz they ever do iz wish more boyz were dere. If dis keeps up methinks theyz gonna leavez more for da next boss ova wit does big teef, any advice?

Yer biggest fan
Confoozed Boss Cluckyscratcha

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2011/12/23 07:20:17



DA 4000 points W/L/D 6e 3/2/0
IG 1500 points W/L/D 6e 0/2/0
And 100% Primed!  
   
Made in au
Rampaging Khorne Dreadnought




Wollongong, Australia

Dear Confoozed Boss Cluckyscratcha,
A good idea is to pray to me that you will be a Space Marine next life and then proceed to tell your entire Squad to kill you.
From the Emperor

Dear Corpse-God Emperor,
Please come back so you can actually make the Imperium worth something, also if you do you must join the Red Corsairs so the Red Corsairs Imperium of Man will rule the Galaxy.
Thank you, one of your Favourite sons
The true and only best Marine of all time,
Huron Blackheart.

 
   
Made in us
Pragmatic Collabirator






rockerbikie wrote:Dear Confoozed Boss Cluckyscratcha,
A good idea is to pray to me that you will be a Space Marine next life and then proceed to tell your entire Squad to kill you.
From the Emperor

Dear Corpse-God Emperor,
Please come back so you can actually make the Imperium worth something, also if you do you must join the Red Corsairs so the Red Corsairs Imperium of Man will rule the Galaxy.
Thank you, one of your Favourite sons
The true and only best Marine of all time,
Huron Blackheart.


Dear Mr. Blackheart,
We regret to inform you that Mr. God Emperor is on an extended holiday and will not return to work for some time.
You will be notified when he returns to the office and your request will be pended and ultimately purged due to the nature of the origin.
Enjoy the fruit basket.
From: Out of office servo scribe 353-9057830 "Bob"

Dear Emperor
Siege Hiel, Ve have found un vay to communicate vith the future.
How goes the Purifacation of the Human race and global domination?
Ve are trying the same thing... but vith lees than favoralbe results.
From,
Project Event horrizon 3rd Reich

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/01/04 14:36:16


Quote from: GuardianTempest on shrinemaidens.org new generation RP
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD TREE!!!
SKULLS FOR THE SKULL MULCH!!!
the Saigyou Ayakashi 
   
Made in us
[MOD]
Humble acolyte






Arlington, Virginia (USA)

Dear Emperor
Siege Hiel, Ve have found un vay to communicate vith the future.
How goes the Purifacation of the Human race and global domination?
Ve are trying the same thing... but vith lees than favoralbe results.
From,
Project Event horrizon 3rd Reich


OK, look, cause I'm just gonna say this once. Me and the Nazis, we ain't got nothing in common.

Y'know why?

Cause unlike the Nazis, I'm fictional.

Seriously it's like comparing Stalin and Darth Vader, one is a monster who killed tens of millions, the other is an actor in a suit.

Yours in fiction
The Emp

********************************************************
Duuuuuuuuuude!

What it is!

Draigo here comin'at'cha! So like this weekend I was chillin' with my homies the Sanquinor and the Silent King (he says "..." by the way) and they're all like boo-hoo-hoo cause all these nerds on the intarweb are all talking about something called 6th edition.

And I'm like Duuuuuuuude! The Emporer is like Compadre Numero Uno, no way he'd go and make a new edition when like this one is so perfect! I mean hey, 5th edition has the Blood Angel Codex, the Necron Codex AND the Grey Knight Codex. What more do you need?

But the Silent King just wouldn't shut up about it and he was leaking eye oil all over the pizza so I was like look, lemme send a quick text to my Amigo Mucho Bueno (that's Spanish you know) and he can put these silly 6th edition rumors to rest.

Now I'm sorry i gotta run, my name ain't gonna carve itself into Angron's heart y'know! But just let everyone know this whole '6th edition' thing is BS OK?

Your pal

DRAIGO!

 
   
Made in us
Quick-fingered Warlord Moderatus






Duuuuuuuuuude!

What it is!

Draigo here comin'at'cha! So like this weekend I was chillin' with my homies the Sanquinor and the Silent King (he says "..." by the way) and they're all like boo-hoo-hoo cause all these nerds on the intarweb are all talking about something called 6th edition.

And I'm like Duuuuuuuude! The Emporer is like Compadre Numero Uno, no way he'd go and make a new edition when like this one is so perfect! I mean hey, 5th edition has the Blood Angel Codex, the Necron Codex AND the Grey Knight Codex. What more do you need?

But the Silent King just wouldn't shut up about it and he was leaking eye oil all over the pizza so I was like look, lemme send a quick text to my Amigo Mucho Bueno (that's Spanish you know) and he can put these silly 6th edition rumors to rest.

Now I'm sorry i gotta run, my name ain't gonna carve itself into Angron's heart y'know! But just let everyone know this whole '6th edition' thing is BS OK?

Your pal

DRAIGO!


Dear Draigo,
First off, I congratulate you on your accomplishments while stuck in the warp. It's not everyday you hear one of my BASTARD TRAITOR SONS WHO ARE NOW DEAD TO ME screaming in agony from getting your initials carved into their vital organs. Well done. I've ordered for your name to be engraved on a plaque here on Terra, and we've put it with all the other plaques on Terra to honor you.
Now, I can assure you and your so-called friends (though why you would befriend my nancy-boy son and the Tin-Man's cousin is beyond me) that this 6th Edition is merely a myth. As I once said, blessed is the mind too small to doubt, so in that vein of things, I encourage you to not let any others derail your singular line of thinking.
Your friend,
Teh Space Emporer
P.S. Tell the Silent King I replied, "....". Don't worry, he should understand.


Dear Teh Spehss Emprah,
I am the first Chapter Master of the newly formed Blood Eagles Chapter. However, it looks like I will be the last one, considering our Fortress-Monastery is about to be attacked by Tyranids. As we are all about to sell our lives dearly, do you think you could give us both your blessings and some reinforcements before we become a Red-and-Yellow paste?
Sincerely,
Fethed in Foldor

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/02/05 08:49:20


Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)

 H.B.M.C. wrote:
Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
 
   
Made in us
Fresh-Faced New User




Dear Teh Spehss Emprah,
I am the first Chapter Master of the newly formed Blood Eagles Chapter. However, it looks like I will be the last one, considering our Fortress-Monastery is about to be attacked by Tyranids. As we are all about to sell our lives dearly, do you think you could give us both your blessings and some reinforcements before we become a Red-and-Yellow paste?
Sincerely,
Fethed in Foldor

Fethed in Foldor

Do not worry, my son, I have already sent the holy exterminatus fleet in order to cleanse the planet of these filthy xenos! Your sacrifice will not be in vain, keep them busy there on the world while the fleet gets there.

Your Immortal father
Teh Space Emprah

Dear Holiest of all Emperors,

I am but a simple Imperial Guardsman and I believe in your divine existence and the holy light that guides all humans through these dark and evil times, but I'm a little concern with the Sisters of Battle at our base. Recently, they've been acting... strange. They keep staring at me while biting their lips, dropping their things in front of me and bending over to get them, and they keep asking me to meet some of them alone. At first I thought that they were just getting lost, clumsy, or nervous about something and thought that I was the best to ask about these things. Now, I'm not too sure. Please help me with this problem and give me your blessing to lead me away from such temptations!

Your loyal and devout follower

Confused on Corlia
   
Made in us
Quick-fingered Warlord Moderatus






Dear Holiest of all Emperors,

I am but a simple Imperial Guardsman and I believe in your divine existence and the holy light that guides all humans through these dark and evil times, but I'm a little concern with the Sisters of Battle at our base. Recently, they've been acting... strange. They keep staring at me while biting their lips, dropping their things in front of me and bending over to get them, and they keep asking me to meet some of them alone. At first I thought that they were just getting lost, clumsy, or nervous about something and thought that I was the best to ask about these things. Now, I'm not too sure. Please help me with this problem and give me your blessing to lead me away from such temptations!

Your loyal and devout follower

Confused on Corlia


Dear Confused on Corlia,
I am most pleased that you are serving with the Imperial Guard. That alone merits some achievement that you should be proud of.
Now, considering your aforementioned problem, I have just the perfect solution: You should consult your nearest Commissar, mention which regiment you are part of, and tell him your predicament. He'll provide you and your comrades gifts. Namely high-grade ammunition for your craniums.
Your Most Loving Provider,
Teh Space Emporer


Dear fOod,
Om nOM NOm nom, nom Nom noM NOM.
Nom NOM NOM. NOm NOM Om oM NOM.
Nom NOM,
The Swarmlord

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/02/13 23:36:12


Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)

 H.B.M.C. wrote:
Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
 
   
Made in nz
Fighter Pilot





Aukland, NZ

Dear Swarmlord,
I feel the need to inform you that the Human race has already been claimed as a viable food source, under Galactic law article 1135.98 (Should a single race be a viable food source for two seperate species/entities, but one of the aforementioned parties can survive on another food source but the other cannot, then the one that cannot is granted singular access to the source, within reasonable predation quantities.), by yours truly. Go eat the Orks or something.
The spehss emprah of spehss.

Dear Emperor,
Jimmy from my class says you aren't real. He says that the adults made you up so we would behave, and that you don't answer when we write letters. He says his mommy and daddy told him this before they got the funny red man with horns to walk out of the wall. Is he right?
Susie from Agri-world 1334758
   
Made in au
Rampaging Khorne Dreadnought




Wollongong, Australia

Dear Sarah,
We have sent a squad of Order-Herectus to go purge him because he is a heretic.
From the Emperor.

Dear Emperor,
I am in need of help, I have fallen a long time ago and I want to help rebuild the Imperium.
From Kharn the Betrayer.

 
   
Made in us
Fresh-Faced New User




Dear Emperor,
I am in need of help, I have fallen a long time ago and I want to help rebuild the Imperium.
From Kharn the Betrayer.

Dear Kharn the Betrayer

I do believe that this can be solved in more ways than one. Firstly, please give me the address from which you are sending so that I may send the 'Happy redeeming squad of hope and unicorns'. Secondly, please tell me the number of guns and a very recent map of what planet you are on. Thirdly, please power down all defense systems you may have, the 'Happy Redeeming Squad of Hope and Unicorns' are really shy about things that deal death.

Your Immortal Emperor
Space Emperor.

P.S
Tell all of your friends to come down to your planet in order to be redeemed. One time offer.

Dear Space Emperor

I am confused about some certain persons on my planet. They have become... empty minded. They keep talking about strange names, such as ponies and 'Friendship'. Do you think you can give me some advice of what I should do. I fear they may be worshiping that pathetic being known as Slaneesh. I am frightened that my friends and family may become cultists. Please help me with this problem.

Concerned on Cadia.
P.S: Can you please tell me what this 'Friendship is magic' is? They also began singing while I was preparing to send this message to you.
   
Made in ca
Nasty Nob





Canada

Dear Concerned on Cadia

Fear not this new wave and instead indulge yourself in both love and tolerance which is neither heresy nor chaotic. I thusly believe that this new sect of the Imperial Creed, known as "bronyism" may one day overtake all others and rule the galaxy. Their devotion to love and friendship, and their show, which is what "friendship is magic" is, unites better than my space marine legions ever did. Hell, maybe they'll change the Imperial Aquilla to the Imperial Pony. My advice to you is to cope with the change and know that humankind will be stronger, united under the magic of friendship.

The Emperor


Dear Space Emperor

I am a space marine from the chapter called the Celestial Lions. I want to be tough and macho, yet everywhere I go the other space marines laugh at my chapter's name. They say a lion is a helpless kitty and make I Can Haz Cheezeburger jokes at my expense. What should I do?

From: Battle-Brother Leo

Stomped

To Be Stomped

My vision of how 40k ends: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5937830/1/Time-of-Ending-the-40k-Finale  
   
Made in nz
Fighter Pilot





Aukland, NZ

Dear Battle Brother Leo,
I believe your problem is the name of your chapter. I am deeply disturbed tthat anyone would want to name a chapter "The Celestial Loins". I mean seriously, are we so short of names that we have to name them after the nether-regions of constelations? What's next, the Fiery Loins? At any rate, go back to polishing whatever elaberate cod-pieces your chapter wears, and leave me alone!
The Emperor

Hello there old chap! Hoping we could grab some tea again sometime soon, maybe go on a couple of adventures, run around, help some people out, you know, the whole thing we used to do.
Anyway, you know how to call,
Allons-y!
You know Who!
   
Made in us
Storm Trooper with Maglight




Chicago

To whom it may concern
I told you not to write to my public address, if people knew I was doing more than sitting on a throne and writing letters they'd have my divine ass. Meet at the last place, two hours after the specified time. Bring the tea, a leman russ repair kit, and a barbecue fork.
Yours Truly
The Emperor (A.K.A. Knight of Dongalore)

Emperor, I am a guardsman, and I was wondering, why does the commissar shoot so many of my friends? I know he's trying to serve you, but it's so mean the way he shoots people when they're not paying att--

(The note is cut off by a splatter of blood)

Guardsmen, Fire!
...Feth yeah!
 
   
Made in us
Quick-fingered Warlord Moderatus






Emperor, I am a guardsman, and I was wondering, why does the commissar shoot so many of my friends? I know he's trying to serve you, but it's so mean the way he shoots people when they're not paying att--

(The note is cut off by a splatter of blood)

To Commissar J'on DeMarcus,
While I understand your vigorous zeal to root out heresy and incompetence within the ranks, I, your Lord and Master on Terra, ask that you please allow guardsmen to finish their letters and send them off FIRST before you execute them, so I can more fully understand the problem at hand.
However, since they're slated for said execution, I suppose it hardly makes a difference. So, never mind! Carry on.
Emporer of Spehss

Dear owner of the house,
Do you feel sad all the time? Afraid you have been forgotten by the Almighty Emperor and his uncaring Angels of Death? Hunted down by the Inquisition? If so, then maybe it's time you turn a new leaf and convert to Chaos. While Chaos may have been given such a bad reputation by nay-sayers and ignorant parrots, the truth is far different. In the service of Chaos, your talents will be appreciated for what they are and used to further accentuate your hum-drum life. The Mighty Khorne boosts your self-confidence with his teachings of martial honor and proper battle conduct. Father Nurgle nurtures your soul with his all-encompassing love and numerous gifts. Knowledgeable Tzeentch fuels your imagination with his plans to change the galaxy for the better. And the Perfect Slaanesh ignites your passions and allows you to stride towards true perfection. Compared to the lowly Corpse-Emperor, who sits on a throne thousands of light-years away, See what the power of Chaos can do for you? Join today, and be a part of something truly extraordinary.
Father Silmarus
Holy Chaplain of the Word Bearers Legion

Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)

 H.B.M.C. wrote:
Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
 
   
Made in us
Storm Trooper with Maglight




Chicago

Oh Me damn it! More spam? I mean I understand sending it, but sending it to me? ME? By Me if I weren't hooked up to this thing I'd hunt you down and kill you with psyker bullets from my brain! I hear from you again, I'mma collect all the space marines, Guardsmen, and Sororitas, have them fight their way to your house, and jam a mailbox up your chaos hole.
Yours enraged with spam,
Spehss Emprah

Dear Space Emperor

Is your throne running? (Please allow several seconds to reply before reading on)




Better go catch it! AAAAAHAHAHAHA!
From,
Your Space Mum!

Guardsmen, Fire!
...Feth yeah!
 
   
Made in us
Quick-fingered Warlord Moderatus






Dear Space Emperor

Is your throne running? (Please allow several seconds to reply before reading on)




Better go catch it! AAAAAHAHAHAHA!
From,
Your Space Mum!


Dear childish cretin,
As I am the Emperor of all Space and stuff, I would normally kill others for lesser offenses to my personal being. However, since this can be a one-time thing only, I will be fair and give you a warning. Should you continue in your unamusing antics, I will be forced to visit upon you terrible consequences, the kind which probably have not been seen ever since my son Horus needed a good spanking all those millennia ago.
Oh, and don't mind any attention to the mysterious holes in your walls, as they most certainly are not housing cameras that will monitor you and your offspring for the next five centuries.
Your Big and loving Brother,
E.


Hey, dad!
It's me, Jaghatai Khan, your son!
Dude, you have been missing out on the most awesome party ever! So, you know how I got sucked into a Webway portal way back when? Well it transported me to this one place called Commoragh, and have I got to tell you, it is fething GREAT here! I mean, I get to cruise around town, go to parties, go to late after-parties, then morning after-after-parties, and then afternoon parties, and I'm just doing all the crack and booze and cigs my genetically enhanced body can take. And the babes, man. The BABES! Now, I knew some wild chicks in the Imperium, but these gals are fething beast compared to them. And how they are flexible, if you know what I mean. Hell, I've been having so much fun here, I almost forgot to find a postal to get word to you. So, get your ass off that Golden Toilet of yours and get in on the action! You know you owe it to yourself after ten thousand years of running the Imperium.
Keep on rollin', dad! Woo!
Jaghatai
P.S. Tell my brother Girlyman he was wrong. He'll understand.

Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)

 H.B.M.C. wrote:
Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
 
   
Made in us
Quick-fingered Warlord Moderatus






Hey, dad!
It's me, Jaghatai Khan, your son!
Dude, you have been missing out on the most awesome party ever! So, you know how I got sucked into a Webway portal way back when? Well it transported me to this one place called Commoragh, and have I got to tell you, it is fething GREAT here! I mean, I get to cruise around town, go to parties, go to late after-parties, then morning after-after-parties, and then afternoon parties, and I'm just doing all the crack and booze and cigs my genetically enhanced body can take. And the babes, man. The BABES! Now, I knew some wild chicks in the Imperium, but these gals are fething beast compared to them. And how they are flexible, if you know what I mean. Hell, I've been having so much fun here, I almost forgot to find a postal to get word to you. So, get your ass off that Golden Toilet of yours and get in on the action! You know you owe it to yourself after ten thousand years of running the Imperium.
Keep on rollin', dad! Woo!
Jaghatai
P.S. Tell my brother Girlyman he was wrong. He'll understand.

My son,
How dare you associate with such unmentionable xenos races! I thought I had taught you better than that, and look at you! Running around, abusing your body, sexing up Eldar women. And I for one do not care just how flexible their bodies can be, a xeno is still a xeno! The correct way to deal with them is to sex them up and THEN exterminate with extreme prejudice! Now you come back to Terra this instant or else I will have to get my Custodes to go over there, drag you back here, and put you on a time-out for a millennium or so!
But thank you for writing anyways.
Dad
(Sigh) Probably shouldn't have made twenty, too many problems keeping them all under-- wait, is this thing still on? Scribe! How do you stop this infernal machine again? This must be the fiftieth--

My most Beloved Emperor of All-Mankind,
I am Sister Celine of the Order of the Black Rose. I am writing to you because, well, I am distraught. Absolutely in confusion and anxiety!
Ever since I was a little girl in the dirty hab-block of 319978-C on Viscara, I worshipped you and you alone, making sure to keep my body and soul pure for you and weeding out any hints of heresy on your Holy Empire. I so impressed the other Sisters, and worked myself ragged so I could come to the position that I currently revel in. And now that I am here, I must ask you: when do I see you? When shall you arrive once more to my most humble post, and use me as your vessel of Holy Work? When will You-on-High ravish my body and say sweet-little nothings to me on a Monarch-sized bed? Have I not pleased you yet, My Lord? What else must I do for your Blessing?
Needy on Nikea

Lord Judicator Valdrakh of the Atun Dynasty (6th Ed: W:3, L:4, D:0)

 H.B.M.C. wrote:
Well GW were mostly responsible for the Berlin Wall, so it's natural for some people to harbour resentment towards them.
 
   
Made in tt
[MOD]
Humble acolyte






Arlington, Virginia (USA)

Dr. Temujin wrote:
I am Sister Celine of the Order of the Black Rose. I am writing to you because, well, I am distraught. Absolutely in confusion and anxiety!
Ever since I was a little girl in the dirty hab-block of 319978-C on Viscara, I worshipped you and you alone, making sure to keep my body and soul pure for you and weeding out any hints of heresy on your Holy Empire. I so impressed the other Sisters, and worked myself ragged so I could come to the position that I currently revel in. And now that I am here, I must ask you: when do I see you? When shall you arrive once more to my most humble post, and use me as your vessel of Holy Work? When will You-on-High ravish my body and say sweet-little nothings to me on a Monarch-sized bed? Have I not pleased you yet, My Lord? What else must I do for your Blessing?
Needy on Nikea


Wow, uh, gee, that's sure is uh, one heckuva offer. I mean I really don't know that to say... I mean you're a battle sister right? And uh you guys have flamers so uh, you must know what a body with 3rd degree burn over 99% looks like huh? Well now take one of those bodies and age it like oh 10,000 years.

Point being my days of uh ravishing and such wot, well they're kind of behind me.

That being said, hey if you want to uh, indulge in some solo work how about doing it in front of my effigy say around 9 tonight?

The Emp

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey boss, so I've started up my own initiative to avenge my planet against alien invaders.

I've got a dude in power armor, a bigger dude with a magic hammer, a bigger bigger green dude and a super soldier.

Now I've got 2 free slots so I'm thinking maybe I should get a guy who's really, really good at shooting arrows? Y'know just in case we run into a bad guy whose weakness is arrows. And then the last slot for a HAWT chick who had no powers but is HAWT and always does that pose so you can check out her tits and butt at the same time?

But maybe instead of an arrow guy I should get a guy who's really good with swords maybe. Or maybe a chick with the superpower of getting smaller and weaker.

What do you think?

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2012/02/29/new-the-avengers-movie-trailer-video/

Colonel N. Fury
Earth 616

 
   
Made in de
Insect-Infested Nurgle Chaos Lord






Freiburg, Germany

Hey boss, so I've started up my own initiative to avenge my planet against alien invaders.

I've got a dude in power armor, a bigger dude with a magic hammer, a bigger bigger green dude and a super soldier.

Now I've got 2 free slots so I'm thinking maybe I should get a guy who's really, really good at shooting arrows? Y'know just in case we run into a bad guy whose weakness is arrows. And then the last slot for a HAWT chick who had no powers but is HAWT and always does that pose so you can check out her tits and butt at the same time?

But maybe instead of an arrow guy I should get a guy who's really good with swords maybe. Or maybe a chick with the superpower of getting smaller and weaker.

What do you think?

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2012/02/29/new-the-avengers-movie-trailer-video/

Colonel N. Fury
Earth 616


I know EXACTLY what you mean, Nicky boy. There is however one ideal candidate you've missed. I'd say he'd be perfect for the job. He's really good with swords and guns, has a lovely red and black costume and is loved by the ladies. Tell you what, I'll just send him over right now. He's got my personal recomendation, and isn't that really all you need?

Your good buddy Emporer-Pool





Can't think of a good question at the moment. Feel free to take my spot.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2012/03/04 18:48:03


 
   
Made in gb
[DCM]
Elephants never forget the basic tenets of Necromancy






Elephant Graveyard

Dear Emperor
Please, please, please can i invade the Eye of Terror.
They would never expect it!
Sincerely, Uskar. E. Creed.

Dakka Bingo! By Ouze
"You are the best at flying things"-Kanluwen
"Further proof that Purple is a fething brilliant super villain " -KingCracker
"Purp.. Im pretty sure I have a gun than can reach you...."-Nicorex
"That's not really an apocalypse. That's just Europe."-Grakmar
"almost as good as winning free cake at the tea drinking contest for an Englishman." -Reds8n
Seal up your lips and give no words but mum.
Equip, Reload. Do violence.
Watch for Gerry. 
   
Made in gb
Sure Space Wolves Land Raider Pilot





England

purplefood wrote:Dear Emperor
Please, please, please can i invade the Eye of Terror.
They would never expect it!
Sincerely, Uskar. E. Creed.


Dear Creed,
Im sorry but the eye of terror is off limits as it is currently undergoing reconstruction. However you may try invading the ghost stars, actually on second thoughts that didn't turn out well for Macharius (wussy little cry baby).
Emprah

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,
Can you at least give me rough co-ordinates as to where the tree of life is?
Yours,
Leman

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2012/03/06 11:35:31


Space puppies - 2000 pts +
Imperial Guard! - 1500 pts
New SM chapter in the works
KingCracker wrote: I wont lie, I laughed a bit. I do feel a bit sorry for the poor folks that were sleeping, and suddenly woke up on the ceiling



EYE OF TERROR (my wargaming forum)
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