Ask teh Space Emporer!

Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you:

No adverts like this in the forums anymore.
Times and dates in your local timezone.
Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance.
Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely.
Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net.

If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Bowser,
First off, I should inform you that this is the wrong address. And second, I hate to break it to you... *Puts on sunglasses*
Your princess is in another castle. *cue the YEEEAAAAHHHHH! guy* Boy, do I love doing that.
E.

Dear Humie Emprer,
I iz Grotsmasha-- uh, I mean, James Dooger (that's a humie name, roit?), und I gotz t' be a space mahreen. Me Warboss-- uh, kommonda Eadbitta sez iz supposed to be guardin a supply deepo, but Iz dun wanna do dat. I heard dem mahreen boyz always krumpin and stompin udda humies and orks and eldar pansies. Wot do iz got ta do ta be a space mahreen?
Sined,
Kevin Derk (wait, that's not roight, aww zoggit)

**Color Sgt. Kell**

Dear Grotsmasha,
First to be a sphess mahreen, you must be human. Thats right, I see through your charade Tyranid scum! You almost had me fooled, I thought you a human, then an ork.

Dear The Space Emprer,

My flak armor keeps getting dirty, and the grime gives it a 4+ save. What can I do to get my normal 5+ save and shine back?

**CuddlySquig**

Dear anonymous guardsman

You must wipe down your flak armour while reciting the prayer of cleansing lest it become too dirty and you become a follower of Nurgle. Finally, inform the guy who painted you to use less wash on his future projects.

The Emperor

---

Yo! Big E!

This is Mike Salem, or M-Say, as you used to call me in high school. Long time no see my brother from another mother! It's been tens of thousands of years since we last spoke and wow how things have changed. You know Liz from math class? I married her! Got kids and a job now, wow.
How've you been? I hear your a big deal now. Something about a galaxy-spanning empire. What kind of work do you do? Is it tough? Do you like it?

Hope you're well
-Mike S.

**flamero**

Hey Mike,

Way to pay attention. I Rule this empire. People die in my name every day. But hey, im stuck in a chair, mortaly wounded for the past oh 10 mellenia..

Shouldnt you be dead? Way dead? Ill send someone to investigate.

The Emperor
_____________________

Dear Mighty Emperor,
Im Rilley, im 8. My question is simple, what makes the tanks go?

-Rilley

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Riley,

Well, you see, the tanks are actually powered by the souls of the pilot's dead mother...Oh wait, wrong series. Truth be told, I don't know. I ain't a treadhead. Probably magic. Or a hamster in a wheel. Probably magic.

Yours Technophobically,

Mr Emprah.

To The God Emperor, our Father and Guardian,

I am an Astartes of the Ultramarines chapter. I was performing the rites of maintenance upon my sacred power armour, and then I thought of something.

You know Samus Aran? You know, the girl from that Metroid game we have on our GameCube? Well, her armour seems vastly superior to our own. It's tougher, more agile, lighter, has built in weaponry, and can turn into this thing called the Morph Ball. The armour looks exceptionally useful. Couod you strike an arrangement with Nintendo and Samus' suppliers?

Yours faithfully,

Sergeant Commodus, Ultramarines 6th Company.

**Dr. Temujin**

To The God Emperor, our Father and Guardian,
I am an Astartes of the Ultramarines chapter. I was performing the rites of maintenance upon my sacred power armour, and then I thought of something.
You know Samus Aran? You know, the girl from that Metroid game we have on our GameCube? Well, her armour seems vastly superior to our own. It's tougher, more agile, lighter, has built in weaponry, and can turn into this thing called the Morph Ball. The armour looks exceptionally useful. Couod you strike an arrangement with Nintendo and Samus' suppliers?
Yours faithfully,
Sergeant Commodus, Ultramarines 6th Company.

Son of my Son,
You have no idea how many Astartes asks me this question every year, and surprisingly how many similar requests have come up from the Ultramarines in particular (Don't worry, you guys are still my besties). However, applying the technology of this design won't be possible for three reasons:
1) It's been tens of thousands of years since Samus Aran was out and about in the galaxy. Unless she decided to take a power nap in a convenient stasis field until the 41st Millennium, I don't see how she could still be around. Alas, the knowledge to construct another one is lost to us.
2) XENO TECH!! The Adeptus Mechanicus would probably blow a few aggression inhibitors at the mere whisper of the words. Even the most radical of magos would probably take centuries to reverse-engineer the suit, and last I'd seen, I've run fresh out of STC which could produce that kind of technology.
3) The day I use technology designed by a bunch of space chickens is the day I relinquish my Throne to Abaddon the Armless.
So, with that, I must apologize, but we won't be seeing any morph-balls in the near future. In the meantime, please enjoy this Mark VIII suit I got from Mars. Hope it helps you kill the enemies of Mankind!
Emps

Dear [Emperor],
I couldn't help but notice that the [heretics] are wielding some serious firepower. If you are going to have a chance against them, you'll need to up your arsenal - you could always arm your men with some high-quality munitions from my store. If you buy from me, those [heretics] will be dead in no time!
Marcus Kinkaid,
Founder and CEO of Marcus Munitions (No Refunds)

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Marcus,

Thanks but no thanks. We have quite enough forge worlds and manufactorums to be going with, thank you very much. Besides, I've seen your wares, they seem to be coloured in with inks. We need real weaponry, illustrated weapons will not do.

Yours Running Out of Ideas for Responses,

Teh Gawd Emprah awf Terrah.

Hey, Emperor!

I'm very hungry!

Give me the french fries.

Yours,

The Hungry Pumkin.

**Dr. Temujin**

Sigh... and I wonder how humanity ever got to this point in the future without degrading into apes again.

Dear Father of All Mankind,
So, there's this girl I like. We often chat and hang out when we're not in classes at the Schola Progenium. It's really nice, listening to her stories about being an orphan due to a Chaos Warband and stuff, and I admire her stout devotion to you, My Lord. But I find there's one problem: no, it's not trying to ask her out, I know how to do that. But it's... well, she really likes this one holo-vid callled... (whispers)My Little Equius... I don't understand how that is, but I'm at a bit of a quarry here. I really like her and everything, but what should I do?
Sincerely,
A Hopeless Cadet Commissar

**Grey Templar**

Dear Father of All Mankind,
So, there's this girl I like. We often chat and hang out when we're not in classes at the Schola Progenium. It's really nice, listening to her stories about being an orphan due to a Chaos Warband and stuff, and I admire her stout devotion to you, My Lord. But I find there's one problem: no, it's not trying to ask her out, I know how to do that. But it's... well, she really likes this one holo-vid callled... (whispers)My Little Equius... I don't understand how that is, but I'm at a bit of a quarry here. I really like her and everything, but what should I do?
Sincerely,
A Hopeless Cadet Commissar

You have obviously failed in your duty as a Commissar. My Little Equius is HERESY! You must pass my judgement immediatly. Otherwise, I shall be forced to dispatch Commissar F***law to do your job. After which he will also execute you.

The Emperor.

Dear Emperor,

I wish to apologize for that little thing I pulled back then. Its actually my fault you ended up in the chair. I'm such a dick.

I'm really REALLY sorry.

Nah, not really. TROLLOLOLOL

not Sincerely, Eldrad

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Emperor,
I wish to apologize for that little thing I pulled back then. Its actually my fault you ended up in the chair. I'm such a dick.
I'm really REALLY sorry.
Nah, not really. TROLLOLOLOL
not Sincerely, Eldrad

Dear Eldrad,
Naww, it's cool, ancient history and whatnot. And I'm totally sorry for selling your soul to Slaanesh and all. Honest mistake, really.
Nah, not really.
Trolling you and your race,
E.

Dear Holy Emperor,
I keep hearing people calling us "The Red Shirt Army for the Red Shirt Army". Why do they keep doing that and laughing at us? And what's a Red Shirt?
Signed,
Trooper Sachowski, of the Armageddon PDF

**codemonkey**

Dr. Temujin wrote:

Dear Holy Emperor,
I keep hearing people calling us "The Red Shirt Army for the Red Shirt Army". Why do they keep doing that and laughing at us? And what's a Red Shirt?
Signed,
Trooper Sachowski, of the Armageddon PDF

Dear Trooper Sachowski, of the Armageddon PDF,

The "Red Shirts" comment refers to red, which the color of fire and passion. Your service in the PDF exemplifies these virtues, and as long as your passion is for me and me alone (no, not that kind of passion), then you will overcome all obstacles in my name...

Oh, wait, did you say "Armageddon PDF"? Oh, dang, man, dang...yeah, cya.

Sincerely, Teh Space Emprah

Dear Space Emperor,

I sent you a copy of my dissertation on the mating rituals of yellow-footed caterpillars three years ago, and you never got back to me about it. Was it not good enough? Did I miss something? HAVE I OFFENDED YOUR HOLINESS!?!!?!?!

Woeful Grad Student, Terra State University

**Color Sgt. Kell**

Dear Grad Student of Terra State,
While I would love to read a dissertation on the mating rituals of yellow-footed caterpillars, the adepts do not bring my mail to me for fear reading it will disrupt my concentration on the astronomicon. Even if I could read it, I cannot hold it for I have no control of my arms, and the lazy servitor will not hold it for me. Blast his heresy!

Dear the Space Emprah,

If it is so grim and dark these days, isn't the Imperial Guardsman's flashlight more usefull than it ever was?
Sincerely,
Cadian Conscript

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Insightful Guardsman,

Finally! Somebody who realises why The Imperial Guard are equipped with flashlights! Granted, Gundams would be more useful, and cooler, but the Tau got them first.

Yours Refreshedly,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Hey there Emps!

So, yeah, I'm everybody's favourite blue speedy spined rodent, and whilst life isn't too bad, it could be better. For the past 11 years me and my friends have had to share residence in Nintendoland with this fat Italian plumber and other assorted goons. It's starting to get on my nerves. Kirby keeps trying to eat Shadow's leg, Wario is a real pervert and keeps on grabbing Rouge's breasts, Bowser has TERRIBLE gas, Link never says anything, Toad says too much, and Samus won't stop whining about how Other M is "misogynist" whatever that means.

D'ya think you could persuade Sega to make a new console so we could have our own home again, and get away from peach's awful cooking?

Yours Speedily,

Sonic the Hedgehog.

**codemonkey**

Squigsquasher wrote:

Hey there Emps!

So, yeah, I'm everybody's favourite blue speedy spined rodent, and whilst life isn't too bad, it could be better. For the past 11 years me and my friends have had to share residence in Nintendoland with this fat Italian plumber and other assorted goons. It's starting to get on my nerves. Kirby keeps trying to eat Shadow's leg, Wario is a real pervert and keeps on grabbing Rouge's breasts, Bowser has TERRIBLE gas, Link never says anything, Toad says too much, and Samus won't stop whining about how Other M is "misogynist" whatever that means.

D'ya think you could persuade Sega to make a new console so we could have our own home again, and get away from peach's awful cooking?

Yours Speedily,

Sonic the Hedgehog.

Dear Sonic,

Only if you get rid of that bastard Mario. He leaves me 17 voicemails every day, all announcing that it's him. It's driving me up the wall. Oh, and kill Metaknight too while you're at it, he's freaking OP. One of those damn Custodes brought his Wii to work, challenged me to a game of Brawl, and now he won't shut up about he beat me.

Tell Samus I'll see her on Thursday.

Sincerely, Teh Space Emprah

Dear Space Emperor,

/gravelvoice

IMBATMAN! WHEREARETHEY?

ANYWAY, ONE OF YOUR PUNK KIDS COPIED ME, BUT HE DID IT ALL WRONG. NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM, TELL HIM HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL ANYONE, AND NEEDS TO HAVE A COOLER COSTUME. BREASTPLATE NIPPLES ARE OPTIONAL.

THE GODDAMN BATMAN

**Matt.Kingsley**

Teh 'Goddamn' Batman
I'm sorry, Kondrad is dead, purged for looking like a certain character
Guessing that's you.
Please stand by for exterminatus
Teh Emps

To the Emperor, the divine one, ruler of man kind and the true god,
Good day, my lord! I am a confused Grey Knight.
Recently I was give word that many of our daemon-smiting weapons use your excrement... Is it really true that if I throw a psyke-out grenade I'm really throwing holy poo at the daemons?

From
Confused (and disgusted) Grey Knight

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear confused Grey Knight,
You know... I always wondered what ever happened when my Custodes cleaned my bottom every day...
E.

DEAR FOOLISH MORTAL,
I, ANGRON, THE RED ANGEL OF KHORNE HIMSELF, HAVE RETURNED FROM MY BANISHMENT IN THE WARP!!! ... to bring to you the latest in daemon-infused technology! Introducing the new Decimator, a revolutionary one-of-a-kind Daemon engine! Standing taller than even the ancient Contemptor Dreadnought, it is a fearsome sight to behold. He towers over his enemies, gazing into their very souls, and sends them away afeared. But looks aren't all he's about. He also has a wide array of weaponry to turn those pesky loyalists into so much chunky salsa: the awesome Butcher Cannon, the nefarious Stormlaser, even his Siege Claws pack a nasty punch, to name but a few. Best of all, he's customizable, and can field just about any weapon you would want to mount on to a walker. So why are you trying to deal with those silly Dreadnoughts? Get one of these, and you'll never want to go back! Talk to your nearest Daemon Forge or Warp Forgemaster to get yours within the next millennium!
See you on the battlefield!

**Decio**

Dear Angry Angron,
Well, congratulations son. Sounds like a nice piece of jiggery-pokery. Shame about the heresy though.
I'll see about this new engine, you didn't mention the cost of shipping and handling. Also, is there a fee to un-heresy it?
Maybe 'recover' it as a holy STC?
About the dreadnaughts. See here, son, dreadnaughts are basically those old sods that we don't need, like those other random
Tactical Marines (watch the Ultramarine movie to see what I mean), but they have some cool stories, weapons, and are those heroic
guys who need to go out with a bang. Also, customizability leads to independent and reasonable thinking, which my High Lords seem to think
is heretical. Something about thinking leading to heresy. That's probably why the High-Fabricator can do nothing but play Quake.
This has been a nice conversation sonny boy. Glad to see that those brain cells found some new uses. See you on the battlefield!

-Papa Emps.

(P.S. Say hi to Kharn for me)

Hey Emprocks,
Hello.This is Haemonculus Scarecrow of the Dark Eldar. If it isn't too much of a trouble, can I have a report of terrorism and psychological effects on your Imperium?
Many thanks if you could. it is for some, ah, research so I don't have to keep putting down the slaves I capture. Also, could you please make your Space Marines tougher?
If it helps, I can smuggle some tech over to you (recovered artifacts and such) so you can make tougher, better sla-marines? It's a win-win deal.

Also, Vect is going to bring a drug bomb to the game-planet. This time, it's Daemonettes versus Tau versus Guardsmen. Ever wanted to see how Tau react when high?
Time to find out! Oh, if you want so save the Custodes I borrowed last week, that deal is looking sweet.

Scarecrow.

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Wizened Space Elf Scientist,

We have ourselves tried testing the effects of terrorism on the populace, it doesn't work very well because the Inquisition doesn't let anyone know about it. So, uh, yeah, you'd be wasting your time.

Oh, and I am looking forward to the big game. Daemonettes are so cute when they're stoned!

Yours Omnipotently,

Teh Spess Emprah.

Dear Mysterious Emperor,

Mah boi,

What's for dinner?

Yours Hungrily,

King Harkinian.

**Dr. Temujin**

Dear Mysterious Emperor,

Mah boi,

What's for dinner?

Yours Hungrily,

King Harkinian.

Dear "King" Harkinian,
Beef Stroganoff! It's a recipe of my own making, uses real chunks of elf meat.
Chilling on the Throne,
Emps

Your Royal Holiness of All-Mankind,
My Lord, we have received a rather odd package. It's a stone with Necron carvings in their language. On it were two sticky-notes. The first one simply said, "N0 U". While we are currently looking into this cryptic message, the second stated explicit instructions to deliver the stone to you, with the post script of: "Up for a good ol' Bible fight?"
We have figured it's not a bomb or other lethal device, but we have contained it within a stasis field just to err on caution.
Yours in Eternal Service,
Edgar, Imperial Savant
P.S. What in the Warp's name is a "Bible fight"?

**Guardsmen Bob**

My Loyal Servant.

Do not worry about the package, or this 'bible' thing. I have dispatched a inquisitor who has extensive knowledge about such things to you. He shall...enlighten you.

Dear Empra

Is there anyway you can get me a Hot-shot Lasgun, and Carapace armour, and something to pass the time while stuck in the trenches? Also, could you use your awesome might to get me a better face so the Commissar doesn't find me. I didn't know that the cake was for his birthday.

Your loyal guardsmen
Bob

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Loyal Guardsman,

It is coming up to Christmas so I suppose I could supply the lasgun and the armour. The face is more difficult. Maybe you should contact Urien Rakarth, he will know what to do.

Yours unhelpfully,

Teh Spess Emprah. In Spess.

Dear Empeor-Senpai,

Have you seen my head anywhere? I want it back. Now.

Yours Headlessly,

Mami Tomoe.

**Admiral Valerian**

Child of the Imperium,

Please do not troll me. How can you send a message without a head?

Sincerely, the Emperor.

Your Imperial Majesty,

A Tyranid splinter fleet approaches our world, and will arrive within the next five years. Apart from the PDF, only one Krieg Imperial Guard Siege Regiment is present to fortify and defend our world. I respectfully request that a reinforcement fleet be assembled and sent to our world.

You humble servant, Magister Anders.

**Dr. Temujin**

Your Imperial Majesty,

A Tyranid splinter fleet approaches our world, and will arrive within the next five years. Apart from the PDF, only one Krieg Imperial Guard Siege Regiment is present to fortify and defend our world. I respectfully request that a reinforcement fleet be assembled and sent to our world.

You humble servant, Magister Anders.

Dear Magister,
Your pleas have been heard! I have sent the 5th Company Silver Skulls to your aid. They should arrive in system at approximately nine years, give or take a few centuries!
Sincerely,
E.

Dear Emperor,
My name is Timmy. How are you? I have been very good and faithful this year. For Emperormas, I would like a pony, a firetruck, a pirate ship, an astronaut, and death to the heretics. I hope your Golden Throne is comfortable to sit on. I would think so, because you've been sitting there for a looooooooong long time. Do you think one day I could sit on it like you? But only for a little while.
Signed,
Timmy, Age 6

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Innocent Child,

Sigh. I wish you could sit on it. Unfortunately my arse has been permanently wired into the chair and as such I can't move. It does have a built in massage function and cupholders though, so that's something.

Also, I will try to do my best about the presents, although I might struggle with the pirate ship. The Orks could help with that, they're experts on pirate ships. Don't tell anyone I said that though. Bloody Inquisition, you know what they're like.

Sigh. Everything depresses me today.

Yours Wistfully,

Emprah Claus.

Dear Mysterious Emperor,

So, I was on my way for a date with Mega Man at the Characters With Cannons For Arms Club when I came across these odd looking space pirates. They seemed humanoid, but much bigger and wearing garish blue and gold armour with upside down omega symbols on it. So naturally I blasted them to bits. I was just about to ask the one survivor where Ridley was, and he said he had never heard of any Ridley beyond the fellow who directed those creepy Alien films. Also, he seemed human. I'm not sure those were space pirates after all.

Have I screwed up?

Yours Badassly,

Samus Aran.

PS: When do I get a new game?

**Admiral Valerian**

Samus Aran,

Never. Halo has stolen your limelight, I'm afraid.

My sincerest condolences, the Emperor.

To the Emperor,

Yo! Its the

Blood God! I was wondering if your place is up for this weekend's Apocalypse game. Yeah, I know its my turn to host the game, but that

son of yours, Angron, totally messed up my place. Hope to hear from you soon!

From Khorne.

PS: Don't forget to prepare a prank for Slaanesh.

**Kid_Kyoto**

Admiral Valerian wrote:

To the Emperor,

Yo! Its the Blood God! I was wondering if your place is up for this weekend's Apocalypse game. Yeah, I know its my turn to host the game, but that son of yours, Angron, totally messed up my place. Hope to hear from you soon!

From Khorne.

PS: Don't forget to prepare a prank for Slaanesh.

Dude! What it is!

How you liking that new codex? Dinobots huh? Didn't see that coming.

Anyway, how about we do it at Armageddon? Love to host it at my place but you know, timeline, continuity and all that. But Armageddon is cool, lots of destroyed hives and stuff, plus that way we can get the orks in if there aren't enough Chaos players.

Yours

E!

---------------------------------------------------

Emperor, I write you today in the hopes you can help me with some touchy professional issues.

Y'see about 10 years back I got a part in a major, major movie trilogy so there I was at the premiere with all my family and everyone and waiting for my big moment and...

A flaming eye. That's all I got, a flaming eye.

And just one eye, not even a pair.

So I call my agent and I'm like Morty what's up with this flaming eye? And he's like didn't you read your contract?

I mean I got some nice royalties but you can't really sell much merch when you're just a flaming eye. Plus I got typecast and well... when was the last time you heard of a casting call for flaming eyes?

So anyway I got the call a little while back, prequels! 3 more films! Plus they promised me, no more flaming eye!

So there I was at the premiere with all my family and everything and waiting, and waiting, and finally my big part comes up and...

A shadow. Didn't even get a speaking part.

So my question is should I stick with them so is it time to bow out, see how they do do without me.

What do you think?

Yours humbly

Sauron S Sauron
Middle Earth

**Dr. Temujin**

Emperor, I write you today in the hopes you can help me with some touchy professional issues.
Y'see about 10 years back I got a part in a major, major movie trilogy so there I was at the premiere with all my family and everyone and waiting for my big moment and...
A flaming eye. That's all I got, a flaming eye.
And just one eye, not even a pair.
So I call my agent and I'm like Morty what's up with this flaming eye? And he's like didn't you read your contract?
I mean I got some nice royalties but you can't really sell much merch when you're just a flaming eye. Plus I got typecast and well... when was the last time you heard of a casting call for flaming eyes?
So anyway I got the call a little while back, prequels! 3 more films! Plus they promised me, no more flaming eye!
So there I was at the premiere with all my family and everything and waiting, and waiting, and finally my big part comes up and...
A shadow. Didn't even get a speaking part.
So my question is should I stick with them so is it time to bow out, see how they do do without me.
What do you think?
Yours humbly
Sauron S Sauron
Middle Earth

Hey, Sauron, thanks for writing back!
Now, I can see why you'd be so pissed off at these Hollywood guys. I mean, yeah, a Flaming Eye, while cool to look at and all (I thought you did a great performance, btw), is also a bit boring after awhile. And yes, the Shadow thing is wayyy more suckier. But look at the silver lining! You're working there, and getting paid to represent your character. The best those Me-damn hacks would do for me is just film me sitting in my Golden rocking chair for all of ten seconds. Thing is, they still haven't called me back...
Tell ya what, why don't you make your own movie! See, if you go in that direction, you can talk about your side of things, clean the slate, set the record straight! And if anyone objects or try and flame your movie, you can tell them where to stick it, because it's your movie.
Meantime, just ride that cash-cow until you can get enough for your personal project, eh?
Hoping for the best,
E.

Dear Holy Emperor,
Hey, man, I just got a call from Black Library. They said they want me to do a book on you for the Horus Heresy series! Pretty cool, huh? Don't worry, you're still going to be a bad-ass dude and all, and you'll totally be one of the main characters. But, I hope you don't mind if I have Guilliman there as well. As you know, I like putting more of myself into 40K writing just to make it more personal to me. There'll probably be one time where Guilliman saves you from... actually, why don't I stop by your place and I can tell you all about it. You're totally going to love what I have in mind!
Yours truly,
Matt Ward

**Squigsquasher**

Dear Mat Ward,

Sounds cool! How about we have Guilliman appearing at the last minute to defeat Horus? Him and the other loyalist Primarchs could combine into a giant super robot and slice him in half with a great big golden flaming sword of justice?

Yours Excitedly,

E.

Hey there! How ya doing?

So we were cruising through space on the Ark Gurren, and we came across these green dudes, some weird alien locusts, and some spiky dudes with giant robot crabs of death. So we were wondering, did you want the assistance of the Dai-Gurren Brigade?

Oh, and I'll see you on Wednesday for the game of strip poker with Slaanesh and Misato!

Yours Feistily,

Yoko Littner.

XXX!

**Kid_Kyoto**

Squigsquasher wrote:

Hey there! How ya doing?

So we were cruising through space on the Ark Gurren, and we came across these green dudes, some weird alien locusts, and some spiky dudes with giant robot crabs of death. So we were wondering, did you want the assistance of the Dai-Gurren Brigade?

Oh, and I'll see you on Wednesday for the game of strip poker with Slaanesh and Misato!

Yours Feistily,

Yoko Littner.

XXX!

Y'know I've been doing this column for more than 6 years, more than 300 letters answered.

And lemme tell you, I didn't last this long by answering question with obscure anime references!

Next!
Emp

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emporer

Today is the 31st day of DecEmporer, the last day of M41 Y999.

So I pulled off the page from my calendar looking to see what M42 Y000 looks like but... the calendar just says it's JanuEmporer 1, M41 Y999.

Now the weird thing is my last calendar was the same.

So was the one before.

Will M42 Y999 ever end?

Yours,
Vexed on Venus!

**Admiral Valerian**

Vexed on Venus,

I wasn't aware people were living on Venus. Perhaps I should have the Inquisition investigate why you never made in contact in so long.

Sincerely, the Emperor.

To the Emperor,

Hi! Listen, I hate to be the one to deliver bad news, but the others were just too busy. Khorne went off to pick a fight with Gork and Mork (and let me tell you, the rivers of blood and endless war cries echoing across the Warp are neither amusing nor conducive to my health), Tzeentch is sulking somewhere in that stuffy library of his, and Nurgle went off somewhere with his girlfriend Isha in that endless jungle of his, hmmm, I wonder what they're doing...Anyway, enough about that. You see, that spirit of compassion and goodness you cast out when you obliterated Horus - my condolences, I knew he was your son, but business is business after all - has been incarnated a tad early, and is apparently wandering around somewhere on Cadia. Thing is, while he was being incarnated, I kinda, giggled and disturbed the Warp, so he came back as a child. Oh, and that tiresome bore, Tzeentch, said he has all your powers, and since he's a child, well, I'm sure you can imagine.

Yours beautifully, Slaanesh