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Dear Mad Donna Ultani,

I would call my arms no longer function.

Truly yours,
The Immortal Venerable God Emperor of Mankind.


Dear Emperor,

I.. I don't know who else to talk to. I mean, the Commissar is going to shoot me if I ask and my officer won't give me the time of day but.. okay, here is my question. I got a little dirt on that square that you aren't supposed to get dirty. What do I do?! Should I just take someone else's Uplifting Primer and pretend to be them?

Forever in your service,
Guardsman Tek Gendar

 TheCustomLime wrote:

Dear Emperor,

I.. I don't know who else to talk to. I mean, the Commissar is going to shoot me if I ask and my officer won't give me the time of day but.. okay, here is my question. I got a little dirt on that square that you aren't supposed to get dirty. What do I do?! Should I just take someone else's Uplifting Primer and pretend to be them?

Forever in your service,
Guardsman Tek Gendar

Oh dear are they still doing that?

Oh that funny, oh my me, that's hysterical, and you're like totally freaked out about it aren't you? Mierda! I almost bust a guy laughing and when you're 40k years old that's a big deal.

OK here's the deal, bout 10k years ago I was hanging out with the guys and fighting I dunno, the Klingons or something, and like this guardsman guy comes by and asks for my autograph. Now we were fighting on some mud planet or something so everything was filthy, I mean I had mud in my solid gold underpants. But his little Primer thing has one spot that was clean so i signed it there.

Oh man, I bet they're all like 'this is the sacred spot the Emporer signed' so funny.

Anyway you can tell the Commissar it's all cool. Besides, by the time you read this you'll have already been killed in a massive retalitory bombardment.

Sorry about that.

Thanks for the laugh
The Emp

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My lord and master

Hey uh, we're fighting the bugs now, not the little kind, the big planet eating ones, forget what they're called, and uh it ain't going so hot.

In fact we're pretty much losing.

So uh, this guy, Mr. Bart Thirster he's uh telling me he can help me out and squish all the bugs. I just have to say one simple word to him and give him a little something I don't even use.

So uh, is that cool?

I think there's some kind of rule against it but I'm not sure.

I uh kind of need an answer soon.

Your Faithful Servant
Brother Librarian Ezekiel

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:
My lord and master

Hey uh, we're fighting the bugs now, not the little kind, the big planet eating ones, forget what they're called, and uh it ain't going so hot.

In fact we're pretty much losing.

So uh, this guy, Mr. Bart Thirster he's uh telling me he can help me out and squish all the bugs. I just have to say one simple word to him and give him a little something I don't even use.

So uh, is that cool?

I think there's some kind of rule against it but I'm not sure.

I uh kind of need an answer soon.

Your Faithful Servant
Brother Librarian Ezekiel

Zeke Zeke Zeke,

You know what they say, you can't win 'em all. Truth is, we're not doing too good on any front Zeke my boy. The bottom line is, numbers are down. Been going down for a while now actually. Sure we get a temporary boost from each successive super duper limited edition of the Lectitio Divinitatus we publish but ... well, I just want more. If you're not pushing ahead, you're falling behind am I right? To that end, I am glad to hear about this exciting opportunity presented by Mr. Thirster. I think you two should spend more time together. Hit up those bug guys you mentioned, too. The Blonde Angels, Blood Anals? ... er, Blood Angels, yeah, the Blood Angels have made some gains on this topic with the Terminator guys. Man, T2 was a good movie. I'm gonna go watch that now.

So lets keep those numbers up,

E to the Mperor

+ + + + +

Esteemed Gue'Va,

Wanna be B(attle)B(rothers)F(orever)? If so, I'll let you play with all my gundams.

check Y or N

Y __

N __

 Manchu wrote:


Esteemed Gue'Va,

Wanna be B(attle)B(rothers)F(orever)? If so, I'll let you play with all my gundams.

check Y or N

Y __

N __

Sorry you are who again?
I've really not kept up with my reading, I still have reports from M34 to go through.
Let me ask my right hand dude Calgar to take this one...

Hi, yeah, oh this is so awkward...

I mean like, at first I met you guys and you were short and you had big guns I was like

I mean you were like my old buddies the Squats. Whatever happened to those guys? i never see them around any more.

But over time your lack of rivets, the fish fettish, the cannibal chickens, and the fact you're disgusting godless xenos just wore at me. I hate to say it but... It's over.

I've got a new man in my life now and he's everything you're not. He can actually win an assault for one.

Brad, come over and say hi.



S'up yo

Well there you go Mister Dow was it? How that helps.

Dear mister emprah.

Do you like to listen to metal? Or do you prefer something else?

Sincerely,

Human #A6273Q431, Terran Underhive Citizen

Dear Human #A6273Q431,
I prefer to listen to the screams of untrained psychics plugged into my arcane Golden Toilet to help with the eternal struggle against my most Holy, rebelling, traitorous bowels. I find it quite stimulating.

Teh Spaaaaaace Emprah

PS. You don't know where I could find some psykers, eh?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emprah,
Excuse me, but I'm really tearing mt hair out over this next deployment. My squad sergeant's a psychopath, my Commissar and medic wanted to surrender when we were ambushed, my best friend is obsessed with explosions, and there's all these wierd hydra symbols on this city's streets. I don't know what's going on. Should I:
A) Pray to the God Emprah
B) Pray to the God Emprah
C) Assume it's Alpha Legion and kill my squad in your name.
D) Pray to the God Emprah

Plz help.
Yours, a spineless Guardsman

Dear Brave Guardsman Who Is Sadly Lacking In Vertebrae:

I'm afraid you're correct, there is something very fishy going on. Judging by the Hydras, I'd either say Alpha Legion or Game of Thrones fans. I'm not sure which is worse.

May I recommend option E: Kill your squad, call the Inquisition, pray to me (optional) and then shoot yourself. It's better than sticking around for the debates on which house is best I can assure you.

(Hint: Starks = Best)

Yours Lovingly,

God-Emprah.


Dear God-Emperor of Mankind,

You will not believe what just happened today!

So, I was sitting around in my palace playing Shadowrun with my usual gaming group when this Daemonette runs in screaming about some big scary man in shiny armour breaking everything. I assume it's some Korne demon or something so I tell her not to worry about it- the Fiends will probably eat it anyway. So I go back to my game when suddenly the same Daemonette returns, screaming that this guy has gotten to the central palace. So I realize something's wrong and tell everybody to evacuate. Everybody runs for it and I'm the only one left and this guy is beating down the door. Whatever it is must be pretty scary so I turn into the first thing I can think of...which happens to be a little boy. Anyway, he kicks in the door and to my surprise it's Kaldor Draigo! I'm standing there trying to keep a calm face, and he comes over to me and...

Well, this is where it gets weird.

He doesn't decapitate me or write his name on my heart or anything. No, he goes all watery-eyed and waxes lyrical about how enchantingly beautiful I am and how he would never harm me and how his soul belongs to me. I'm just standing there in total shock and then he kisses my hand, swears fealty to me and leaves.

I feel a little violated- and not in the good way.

So, uh, did I just corrupt him with my whole "destroys the mind of any who look upon me" schtick or is Kaldor Draigo into that kind of thing? I sincerely hope it's the former. Either way, I think you might want to give your Grey Knights a thorough inspection. And possibly ask the chapter serfs if they recall being touched inappropriately.

I feel dirty. I think I'm going to have N'Kari give me a sponge bath.

Yours Disturbedly,

Slaanesh.

 Squigsquasher wrote:
Dear God-Emperor of Mankind,

You will not believe what just happened today!

So, I was sitting around in my palace playing Shadowrun with my usual gaming group when this Daemonette runs in screaming about some big scary man in shiny armour breaking everything. I assume it's some Korne demon or something so I tell her not to worry about it- the Fiends will probably eat it anyway. So I go back to my game when suddenly the same Daemonette returns, screaming that this guy has gotten to the central palace. So I realize something's wrong and tell everybody to evacuate. Everybody runs for it and I'm the only one left and this guy is beating down the door. Whatever it is must be pretty scary so I turn into the first thing I can think of...which happens to be a little boy. Anyway, he kicks in the door and to my surprise it's Kaldor Draigo! I'm standing there trying to keep a calm face, and he comes over to me and...

Well, this is where it gets weird.

He doesn't decapitate me or write his name on my heart or anything. No, he goes all watery-eyed and waxes lyrical about how enchantingly beautiful I am and how he would never harm me and how his soul belongs to me. I'm just standing there in total shock and then he kisses my hand, swears fealty to me and leaves.

I feel a little violated- and not in the good way.

So, uh, did I just corrupt him with my whole "destroys the mind of any who look upon me" schtick or is Kaldor Draigo into that kind of thing? I sincerely hope it's the former. Either way, I think you might want to give your Grey Knights a thorough inspection. And possibly ask the chapter serfs if they recall being touched inappropriately.

I feel dirty. I think I'm going to have N'Kari give me a sponge bath.

Yours Disturbedly,

Slaanesh.

My Dear Slaanesh,

Your beauty is REDACTED

REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED


REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED
REDACTED
REDACTED


-Your ever REDACTED REDACTED Emperor of Mankind.

_________________________________

To: The False Emperor

Please stop sending more reinforcements to cadia, We have already won, and all of chaos has been defeated, but it's becoming a logistical nigtmare keeping up with al the men and machines here.

TYVM, Abadd-

... I mean... Lord Solar.

To: The False Emperor
Please stop sending more reinforcements to cadia, We have already won, and all of chaos has been defeated, but it's becoming a logistical nigtmare keeping up with al the men and machines here.

TYVM, Abadd-

... I mean... Lord Solar.

Dear Alpharius,

What?

Yours truly,
The Immortal Venerable Honorable God Emperor of Mankind.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear God Emperor of Mankind,

Thanks for the previous advice! The Commissar only had me beaten to an inch of my life for bothering you with stupid questions rather than shoot me. But I have another question for you. This one a little more private.

Today we were attacked by a group of Dark Eldar. Boy, did those Leman Russ Punisher gunners enjoy themselves! It was like watching a kid playing with his favorite toy. Kind of creepy, to be honest. Anyway, after they scythed through most of my company in a blink of an eye (This was before the Leman Russ Punishers showed up, mind you) I caught a glance at one of them. I never felt so attracted to something before in my life. Is this heresy? Should I just light myself on fire and save the Commissar a bolt round for my heresy? Or just slit my own throat to save your promethium? Any advice would be appreciated!

Faithfully yours,
Sergeant Tek Gendar (I got promoted! :-D)

 TheCustomLime wrote:
Dear Alpharius,

What?

Yours truly,
The Immortal Venerable Honorable God Emperor of Mankind.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear God Emperor of Mankind,

Thanks for the previous advice! The Commissar only had me beaten to an inch of my life for bothering you with stupid questions rather than shoot me. But I have another question for you. This one a little more private.

Today we were attacked by a group of Dark Eldar. Boy, did those Leman Russ Punisher gunners enjoy themselves! It was like watching a kid playing with his favorite toy. Kind of creepy, to be honest. Anyway, after they scythed through most of my company in a blink of an eye (This was before the Leman Russ Punishers showed up, mind you) I caught a glance at one of them. I never felt so attracted to something before in my life. Is this heresy? Should I just light myself on fire and save the Commissar a bolt round for my heresy? Or just slit my own throat to save your promethium? Any advice would be appreciated!

Faithfully yours,
Sergeant Tek Gendar (I got promoted! :-D)

Dear Sergeant Tek Gendar,

Firstly WELL DONE! Now you can lead people
I do not blame you son, damn those Eldar and their mystical beauty.
Reminds me of the time when I was in the Great Crusades... Nevermind; another story for another time.
But you do need to repent, BLOOD FOR THE BL-
Oh... I mean Emperor.
Anyway, just cut your arm off and flay yourself and you will be repented by me. Or turn yourself over to the Inquisition!
You need to be alive, for I need faithful servants to lead the unfaithful into battle.

Yours truly, The Emperor


************************

Dear The Emperor,

I am a new Guardsman, and recently I have had feelings for the woman Inquisition official that has been following our regiment around for the past few months.
I mean her purple claws, those dazzling vocal chords that can blow your ear-drums and her purple shifting skin...
I think she is a servant of darkness... Can I have your blessing to marry her and join Chaos..?

Yours sincerely,
Trooper no. 923-2473348ui2

 baxter123 wrote:


Dear The Emperor,

I am a new Guardsman, and recently I have had feelings for the woman Inquisition official that has been following our regiment around for the past few months.
I mean her purple claws, those dazzling vocal chords that can blow your ear-drums and her purple shifting skin...
I think she is a servant of darkness... Can I have your blessing to marry her and join Chaos..?

Yours sincerely,
Trooper no. 923-2473348ui2

Dear Trooper no. 923-2473348ui2,

First off congratulations on your new career as one of the Emperor's Finest! let me tell you the Imperial Guard, or the Astra Whateverthefutz is truly one of my most valued force, I mean after the Space Marines of course. Or the Militarium Whateverthefutz. And the Arbites. And the Imperial Knights. And the Mechanicum. And the Inquisition. And the assassins. And those bondage chicks with the knives. But you're probably in the top 10, top 20 definitely.

Sorry what was the question again?

Oh yeah, um, I wouldn't worry about the chick. I mean she's probably embarassed about her skin condition. Just talk to her and things will be fine.

Love your Immortal Master
Me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear the Space Emperor

As you know the Space Skull Kick Blood Death Ball Bowl Intergalactic Vase is going on right now.

Or as the ancients called it, the Sock World Foot Cup.

And seeing as Emperor Omniscience is one of your powers maybe you could help me out a bit. Do you think the Catachan Cannibals will win? Or the Modrian Murderers? Or will the dark horse Tallarn Tankers go all the way?

Cause I got 50 starbucks riding on this.

Sincerely
Futbol Fantatic

Dear Futbol Fanatic,

I wish I could tell you who will win this particular tournament but I am too placing bets on it. The fate of an entire sector rests with my successful guess at who will win. So, unless you want Tau to own the Tarazim Sector and all 3,000,000,000,000 of it's inhabitants then I cannot say.

Sincerely,
The Immortal Great Venerable Superior Humble Venerated God Emperor of Mankind

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear God Emperor of Mankind,

I just wanted to tell you my army killed 30 Grey Knights with only the loss of a single Wave Serpent today. A waste of talented Psykers, Bolt Shells and good Steel those Grey Knights. Why not fire the brain dead scribe that writes their stories and reallocate the resources devoted to those fashion victims (Sister of Battle blood is quite a dated look, for you information) towards the production of soldiers that will get results? That goes for the entirety of the Adeptus Astartes, on second thought.

Sincerely yours,
Anonymous Eldar Officer

 TheCustomLime wrote:


Dear God Emperor of Mankind,

I just wanted to tell you my army killed 30 Grey Knights with only the loss of a single Wave Serpent today. A waste of talented Psykers, Bolt Shells and good Steel those Grey Knights. Why not fire the brain dead scribe that writes their stories and reallocate the resources devoted to those fashion victims (Sister of Battle blood is quite a dated look, for you information) towards the production of soldiers that will get results? That goes for the entirety of the Adeptus Astartes, on second thought.

Sincerely yours,
Anonymous Eldar Officer

Dear Member of a Soon-to-be-Extinct Race:

Say, do you know what the human birth rate is? I mean do you? What with the 10 Child Policy and stuff it's um, it's a lot OK. A lot a lot.

But I be you know what the Eldar birthrate is though. Like 1 per century? Probably because you have so much trouble telling which are the girls and which are the very, very pretty boys.

So y'know 30 super elite awesome humans, for 2 Eldar pilots, that actually works in our favor. Go ahead. Kil, kil, kil. We'll make more. You won't.

Yours in demographic superiority
The Spacial Emporer of Space

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Well that was painful.

The Mordian Murderers stomped all over my beloved Catachan Cannibals 77-1. And then proceed to hunt down and kill their families.

Well that's 50 Starbucks down the drain.

Do you think this would be a good time to riot and burn down my hometown and loot some shops? Cause just say the word, I'm ready.

Yours,
Futbol Fantatic

PS Any tips on tomorrow's Space Skull Kick Blood Death Ball Bowl Intergalactic Vase game between the Krieg Killahs and the Cadian Castrators? I got 100 Starbucks riding on it.

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Well that was painful.

The Mordian Murderers stomped all over my beloved Catachan Cannibals 77-1. And then proceed to hunt down and kill their families.

Well that's 50 Starbucks down the drain.

Do you think this would be a good time to riot and burn down my hometown and loot some shops? Cause just say the word, I'm ready.

Yours,
Futbol Fantatic

PS Any tips on tomorrow's Space Skull Kick Blood Death Ball Bowl Intergalactic Vase game between the Krieg Killahs and the Cadian Castrators? I got 100 Starbucks riding on it.

Dear Futbol Fantatic,




Yours, Empy.

____________________________________

Dear "The Emperor",

Could you stop putting those damn Ultra-spehss in the way of our military advances into the Kaiyoris sector?
It's really getting in the way of our Lord and Master Be'lakor.

Santic-Commissar Sidonus Stalin, of the 293rd Landsharks, from the planet Kar'vahoth.

 Selym wrote:


Dear "The Emperor",

Could you stop putting those damn Ultra-spehss in the way of our military advances into the Kaiyoris sector?
It's really getting in the way of our Lord and Master Be'lakor.

Santic-Commissar Sidonus Stalin, of the 293rd Landsharks, from the planet Kar'vahoth.

Sure.

Hey you there, flying skull thing, tell the Imperial Space Navy of Space to go exterminate the @#$% out of the Kaiyoris sector will you, no sense wasting good Space Marines on that.

Cheers
E

********************************************************
Will someone please explain this to me?!?!?

Here I am, charter member of the Justice League, CHARTER MEMBER, Lord of Atlantis, King of the Seven Seas, KING! and I can't even get a pilot for my own TV show.

Meanwhile this, this, guy who has NO SUPERPOWERS except for shooting sharp sticks at people using a weapon that's been obsolete for FIVE HUNDRED YEARS, he gets a show, a second season, and renewed for a third.

How does that even work?

I mean can this guy swim to the deepest depths of the ocean?

Can he command sea life?

Is he lord of a lost civilization?

Does he have any superpowers at all?

No.

Sharp @#$#ing sticks. That's his superpower.

How does this even make sense?

Yours
Aquaman
KING! of the Seven Seas

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

********************************************************
Will someone please explain this to me?!?!?

Here I am, charter member of the Justice League, CHARTER MEMBER, Lord of Atlantis, King of the Seven Seas, KING! and I can't even get a pilot for my own TV show.

Meanwhile this, this, guy who has NO SUPERPOWERS except for shooting sharp sticks at people using a weapon that's been obsolete for FIVE HUNDRED YEARS, he gets a show, a second season, and renewed for a third.

How does that even work?

I mean can this guy swim to the deepest depths of the ocean?

Can he command sea life?

Is he lord of a lost civilization?

Does he have any superpowers at all?

No.

Sharp @#$#ing sticks. That's his superpower.

How does this even make sense?

Yours
Aquaman
KING! of the Seven Seas

*Ahem*

Dear Aquaman,

I do believe that you were in command of the Terran seas over 38,000 years ago. They have also not existed for the past 10,000 years.
Thus far you have made no effort to affect human lives in any way, whereas that bow-toting maniac has, at least, made for a rather amusing assassin.
I'm actually considering equipping some Ast... Ass... Atral Mullet... Imperial Guardsmen with bows and arrows, as that'd be far more entertaining, and effective, than those pretty little flashlights. That's some quality marketing and entertainment opportunities. Which you do not have.

In short, nobody cares, you useless whelp.

-Emprah!

==========================================================

Dear Emprah,

Thank you so much for that wonderful little escapade you put me through, what with your exterminatus fleets and all. I've had it up to *here* with you, as we barely survived.
I shall be informing Abaddon of your fleet movements, and the 14th Black Crusade shall commence shortly.

Just after the turn of the millennium.

Yours scornfully,
Santic-Commissar Sidonus Stalin, of the 293rd Landsharks

Dear Santic-Commissar Sidonus Stalin of the 293rd Landsharks,
I laugh in your petty face. If I were alive today...

So Mr Stalin, have fun with the band of 50 inquisitors that I have sent after your entire fleet.

Hated regards,
The Spaec Empra

****

Dear Teh Space Empra,

I am being tortured and broken by the Iron hands Space Marines because they think I am a Lord General of the Imperial Guard when I am a governor.
Please, help me oh so graceful God, the pain, oh so much pain!

HELP ME! THEIR COMING PLEASE!

In pain,
Governor Roubitine, of the Atzok planet.

 baxter123 wrote:


Dear Teh Space Empra,

I am being tortured and broken by the Iron hands Space Marines because they think I am a Lord General of the Imperial Guard when I am a governor.
Please, help me oh so graceful God, the pain, oh so much pain!

HELP ME! THEIR COMING PLEASE!

In pain,
Governor Roubitine, of the Atzok planet.

OK, OK, calm down.

First off are you SURE they're Iron Warriors, because I thought the Iron Warriors were loyalists. Unless it's the Iron Hands I'm thinking of. Or maybe the Iron Guard. Or are those Imperial Guard? No, Steel Legion are Imperial Guard, even though they're called a 'legion' while the Death Guard are a legion, even though they're called 'guard'.

Now I'm confused darn it!

Well it's good they're torturing you in that case. You probably deserve it.

Yours,
the most benevelant Emperor

*************************

Hey there, long time reader, first time writer y'know.

I got a problem.

Y'see I've always been a bit of a loner, I hang out in my place, go out, do my stuff, come home. I got some good buddies, but they're a small circle.

But lately I dunno why I'm getting invites all the time, my phone's ringing off the hook! Soon as I climb in the ole Blood Shower there it goes again!

And it's all "help me Mr Thirster", "get them Mr Thirster", "hurry up Mr Thirster", 'please eat my psyker Mr Thirster' I'm getting calls from the Space Marines, the Orks, even these blue commie fishmen and y'know how it is, after you've been on your own so long it's hard to turn anyone down.

Even though they can't remember my first name, I mean how hard is 'Brad'?

So I figure you're probably in the same boat, getting calls all the time and maybe you can help me out, should I keep helping them or should I learn to say no?

Your pal
Brad Thirster

Dear Repulsive Warp-Spawn,

I do understand your frustration- I'm always being bothered by prayers, summons, messages and weird voices from within the Warp, and I'm always telling them "Look, I'm bolted to this shïtter. I couldn't help you even if I wanted to. Which I don't. So feth off." Obviously I have the excuse of being a rotting corpse who can't move, so at least I can say no. I know what a pain it is.

I should confess, however, to being slightly responsible for your predicament. You see, a while ago I thought the state of the great galactic conflict was a bit boring, so I thought I'd spice things up a bit by getting my closest companions to photocopy, and distribute the replicas of, some old daemonology books I had lying around. You daemons make everything more entertaining, so I thought if more idiots were able to dick around with the powers of the Warp, it would get a bit more interesting. Unfortunately they printed too many copies and now everyone and their grandma is trying to commune with the Empyrean. Including my grandma (who fortunately is so ugly that when she stares into the abyss, the abyss cowers in fear).

Except the Tyranids. Apparently they ate their copy. I'm not sure if it's true, but I did hear some decidedly Tyrannic laughter echoing through the Warp.

Still, it has made everything a lot more interesting. I might give out some books on how to attract a Hive Fleet next. Or maybe I should reveal the names of the 2 lost legi...nah.

Anyway, sorry about all that. If I were you, though, I'd keep helping them. Always keep an open mind and all. Who knows? Something fun might happen. Heck, once I was projecting my soul through the tides of the Warp and found myself in the body of a Battle Sister in a Sororitas orphanage, and then-

Umm, actually, forget I said that.

Yours Decrepitly,

The Emprah.


To our Most Beneficent Emperor, our Father and Guardian, Glorious (but undetermined) be thy name.

I've been leading my sisters-in-arms for many years now. We've crushed heretical uprisings, immolated xenos threats, and even brought your lost children into the fold of redemption. It is hard work, but we never tire in our duty.

However, there is something we definitely tire of, and we[d like something done about it.

It's the armour. Specifically, the chestplates. They offer absolutely no support whatsoever- they look like something that Lady of Googoo or whatever her name was would wear. It's not so bad for our younger members, but for the more well endowed sisters (such as myself) it's giving us tremendous backache. Worse, the separately defined breasts make it all the more likely to drive a sword between them and through our hearts, which quite frankly is a very silly way to go.

I mean, they're great for our nightly...umm...communal rituals, but in combat? Utterly useless.

Please, do something about these dreadful breastplates. I've already had to see the Sister Hospitaler about my shoulders three times!

Yours Faithfully,

Canoness Alexa Arantella, Canoness of the Order of the Silver Shield.

PS: Could you send some choir boys to our convent on Myrnia VII? We need them for...er...hymnals.

Dear Canoness,
Gosh, I'm ever so dreadfully sorry about your back pains. You see, when Sebastian Thor came into my Throne Room, talking about how the Daughters of the Emperor could be really useful to the Ecclessiarchy, I initially thought they were supposed to be filling in for morale support. Your humble guardsman needs a good reason to keep running towards the enemy gunfire and die in droves, and as of that time, even gun-crazy Commissars weren't doing the trick. I certainly didn't realize you guys (er, girls) would be charging into combat, as well!
I have placed a trusted advisor and Lord of Terra to aid you in your predicament. I'm sure you'll find him to your liking. When he arrives, please relay your problems to Inquisitor Matthias Wardius. I'm positive he'll have an elequent solution.
Yours Eternally,
E.
P.S. Myrnia VII, you say...? That can't be right. Are you referring to Myrnia VI, instead? I'm pretty sure I ordered Myrnia VII to be glassed from existence. Or maybe I got them mixed up again. You can never really tell with the Roman Numeral system.

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Dear Marneus Calgar,

I'm afraid I have no use for this workout. For one thing, I am permanently wired to this throne, and am a shriveled corpse. No amount of working out is going to save me. Secondly, I much prefer the whole "smooth skinned, trap-like" look. Slaanesh sent me a guide on how to achieve such aesthetics, but alas as I mentioned earlier my body is a withered husk. So that's no good.

Now, I don't know, go polish your codpiece or something.

Yours Disappointingly,

Emprah.


Dear Mon-Keigh Emperor,

I'm about to raid a shrine world with my hand-picked troupe of Wyches, but I'm struggling to pick an outfit. I wanted to do something different, you know? Going around mercilessly disemboweling men, women and children in the same old metal bikini just gets boring.

So, what do you think I should do? I'm torn between shiny leather straps, shibari-style rope or barbed wire.

Any ideas?

Yours only slightly bloodthirstily,

Lelith Hesperax.

Yes.

Teh absolutely correct Spess Emprah.

Dear Space Emperor,
I'm slightly confused.
I'm just confused about everything.
Everything.
I'm confused.
Why?
I'm just so confused.
Help me, God-Emperor.
I'm so confused.

Yours confusedly,
What? My name is meant to go here? But what is my name? Draigo, you say? I'm confused...

 Sgt_Smudge wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,
I'm slightly confused.
I'm just confused about everything.
Everything.
I'm confused.
Why?
I'm just so confused.
Help me, God-Emperor.
I'm so confused.

Yours confusedly,

Have you ever considered a career in table top war game rules writing?

Confusion there is not really a problem if anything it's a feature since it keeps the rubes coming back to buy new editions, download FAQs and suchwot.

Yours
The Space Emporer



My Man the Space Emporer! What it is!

D-to the Raigo here and I gotta say, when I heard you was coming out with a new codex for me I was all like, but can even the Emp improve on perfection?

So when it came out I quickly fought my way through 1000 blood thirsters and carved my mail order coupon into Angron's heart and sent it right in with my check for 50 star bucks (written on Fulgrim's heart of course). And I just got it today and I am totally, 1000% blown away!

Like 1000000% blown away!

First off you finally kicked those puny humans out of our codex and I gotta say it's about time. I mean really, we're GREY KNIGHTS what do we need puny humans for? They just get in the way amirite?

Now I know some people are gonna boo-hoo-hoo about wasshisface and the ghost knights getting cut but I mean that guy was always boo-hoo-hooing about getting all his buddys killed and honestly it was getting kinda of tiring. Whiners don't get their own models yo!

So I just wanna say h8ers gonna h8 but this is the best codex EVAH and keep up the good work!

Draigo!

Dear Draigo

I'm glad that you are enjoying the new codex, and I have great news that you'll just love! I'm in the process of crafting a supplement for you!

Supplement: Draigo

Sadly, my last good hand seems to have rotted away, and it will never come to pass.

With sincere regret,
God-Emperor.

----

Dear False Emperor

With the powers of Chaos, I have risen this rotting thread from the clutches of the warp! Forever shall it plague you!

Muhahahah!

While your fraying will, and sanity are distracted by the cries of the damned, and foolish, we shall strike at your holdings across the stars!

Your Truly,
Sorcerer Dave

Dear False Emperor

With the powers of Chaos, I have risen this rotting thread from the clutches of the warp! Forever shall it plague you!

Muhahahah!

While your fraying will, and sanity are distracted by the cries of the damned, and foolish, we shall strike at your holdings across the stars!

Your Truly,
Sorcerer Dave

Dear Dave, to tell the truth I enjoy this little diversion. I mean what with the constantly holding back the hoards of Chaos with nothing but the power of my will, casting a beacon for ships across the galaxy to navigate, playing chess with the Laughing God, writing the new tax code and working on Codex Sisters of Battle in my spare time, Ask the Space Emporer is a nice relaxing diversion for your humble God-Emperor.

And thank you so, so much for including a return address on your letter. My old friend Draigo will be stopping by shortly to express my thanks in person.

Yours, for the rest of your life, however short that may be,
The God-Emporer of Space
Me

********************************************************************

Dear the Space Emporer,

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go see the Ratling Part 33.

Don't get me wrong, I read the book like a million times, and I get tears in my eyes whenever I watch the extended edition DVD and see the Ratling agree to help the 13 Squats and the Grey Inquisitor retake their asteroid from the Heldrake. I've practically memorized the scene where he wins the cloaking device from the hideous chaos mutant.

Naturally I saw the first 32 parts, including Ratling 25 - The Afternoon Nap, and Ratling 11 - A case of the Runs, but since the Ratling Parts 29-32 covered the end of the book and the only thing remaining is the index and the copyright information I really wonder if I need to go watch that for 6 hours?

What do you think?

Yours
Big Ring Fan

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


Dear the Space Emporer,

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go see the Ratling Part 33.

Don't get me wrong, I read the book like a million times, and I get tears in my eyes whenever I watch the extended edition DVD and see the Ratling agree to help the 13 Squats and the Grey Inquisitor retake their asteroid from the Heldrake. I've practically memorized the scene where he wins the cloaking device from the hideous chaos mutant.

Naturally I saw the first 32 parts, including Ratling 25 - The Afternoon Nap, and Ratling 11 - A case of the Runs, but since the Ratling Parts 29-32 covered the end of the book and the only thing remaining is the index and the copyright information I really wonder if I need to go watch that for 6 hours?

What do you think?

Yours
Big Ring Fan

Dear Red Ring Fan,

Clearly you have too much free time on your hands. I have fixed this, and in a roundabout way solved your query by motifying your Fabricatus supervisor.
Once you are working triple shift stiching laspistol holsters for the inexhaustable armies of the Imperial Guard then all your entertainment needs will be
satisfied. To my satisfaction that is.

Yours The Immortal E.




Dear the Space Emporer,

I parked my Lunar in a restricted zone and got a ticket from the local Arbites plastered in front of the bridge cloister window.
Trouble is it was attached by a rather large purity seal and the helmsman cant see where he is going, and its heresy to
remove a purity seal. What do I do?

Eternally yours

Captain Lupus, the Hellhammer, taking up dock space over Hulvan IV.

Dear Captain Lupus,

If your helmsmen is truly loyal to me, then he does not need vision. His faith must surely be lacking.
Please send him to the Inquisitorial Fun Camp of Painful Repentance for re-education.

Glory to Me,
The Emperor


--------------------------------------------------------------

Dear your Holiness the Emperor,

I am having some marital problems at Home.
I bought a suit of power armor styled after the pattern worn by the Adepta Sororitas to spice up our sex life, but when I put it on she kicked me out of the house.

How am I to mend our relationship?

Yours Truly,

Marneus Calgar

Dear your Holiness the Emperor,

I am having some marital problems at Home.
I bought a suit of power armor styled after the pattern worn by the Adepta Sororitas to spice up our sex life, but when I put it on she kicked me out of the house.

How am I to mend our relationship?

Yours Truly,

Marneus Calgar

WHY ARE YOU, A SPESS MAHREEN, HAVING SEXY TIME?? FIGHT ME SOME MEDAMN NIDS!

Dear your oh-so-horribly holy Emperor,

I might have tipped a fellow guardsman that our Sarge was infected by Chaos, which got him executed. What do I do?

Yours oh-so-faithfully truelly,

Nervous Guardsman

Dear Guardsman,

Report your deed to your next superior officer to be awarded a medal for your vigilance. Then flay yourself for being a snitch. As I outlined millennia ago in the codes and laws of the Imperium: Snitches shall duly receive an amount of stitches relative to their magnitude of their snitchery.

Yours truly,
The God Emperor of Mankind.

Dear Emperor,

I am but your humble servant. I have fought for centuries in your name smiting your enemies and carrying your glorious banner across the stars. I have led entire companies of your proud sons into battle and have accumulated countless deeds to my name. I have honored the Chapter, the Imperium and your glorious name. So, would you spare but a moment to answer one meager question. I am sure it would be no problem for one as wise and all knowing as yourself.

While reflecting on my service to the Imperium during my allotted 15 minutes of free time I have noticed a trend. Every few years or so the combat effectiveness of both our men and our enemies change without rhyme nor reason. For example, I remember a time when the Eldar's Wave Serpent transport vehicle was simply another weapon in their arsenal. A good vehicle to be sure but nothing too special. However, a few years ago they became almost impenetrable to almost everything we could muster. Not even a direct hit from a Demolisher cannon, a weapon that can level ferrocrete bunkers in a single blow, could reliably damage it. Why is this? Did the Eldar find a new piece of shielding technology?

Then there is the case of the Leman Russ Executioner. Up until recently the tank's main gun was dependable until damaged. Now it seems that the vehicle cannot go a single engagement without heavily damaging itself from how often it overheats. I do not understand. I thought the main plasma cannon on the Executioner was supposed to have advanced cooling technology! Then there is the Centurion warsuit. I could've sworn there was a time in my personal service to the Chapter that these suits did not exist but now official records state that they have been in usage by the Astartes for centuries. My Emperor, what is going on?! Is this some sort of warp trickery? Have I gone insane? Please answer this message at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely yours,
Chapter Master Guilliere of the Knights Resolute.