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Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/10/28 15:26:30


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


In the real world people send off letters filled with personal problems and information to strangers thinking for some reason these strangers will have a better idea what they should do.  So it's only logical that in the 40k universe people would write in to their omnipotent and omniscient leader for advice.  Sitting on his Solid Gold Chair all day the Space Emporer probably has a lot of time to answer these letters.

This is a simple game, the person before you will post an advice column-type question.  Then post a reply in the voice of the Space Emporer and leave a question for the next poster.

I.E.

Dear the Space Emporer

My wife and I have a long-standing solid relationship and we've nver been unfaithful but recently a co-worker has been coming on to me.  I like her a lot and we have a lot in common, next month we're both going out of town for a business trip.  My wife will never know.  Should I go for it? - Anxious in Alpha Centari

What is this secrecy you speak of?  Do you truely plan to hide this from your wife, you should shout if from the rooftops!  You should drag her in to see your conquest, glory in it, exhault in it, are you not a man!?

Dear the Space Emperor

What is an appropriate tip for a barber? - Hair Today



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/10/28 15:31:23


Post by: malfred


Dear the Space Emperor

What is an appropriate tip for a barber? - Hair Today


The tip of my sword! What business do you have cutting hair when there are worlds to explore?

Dear the Space Emperor,

Why can't we give peace a chance?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/10/28 16:02:38


Post by: Jester


Dear the Space Emperor,

Why can't we give peace a chance? - Felix


The reasons are manifold. First, eternal war is good for the economy; people work to make bullets, people use those bullets, people need more bullets. It also gives a widely disparate empire a common goal to strive for.

Second, talking is the same as surrender. A real man doesn't talk, he acts. Like this one time me and Rogal Dorn were having a sleepover, and in the middle of the night, there was no talking. I just acted. Dear Space Penthouse...

Third, the day I have a sit-down with a pansy elf, magic mushroom, or commie frog is the day I put a bolt shell in my head.

Fourth, why are you even asking this? The Truth Squad must be slipping.


Dear the Space Emperor,

Why do hot dogs come in packages of eight, while hot dog buns come in packages of ten? - Hollow Weiner


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/10/28 17:46:46


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear the Space Emperor,

Why do hot dogs come in packages of eight, while hot dog buns come in packages of ten? - Hollow Weiner


Ho-ho-ho truely you have asked me a riddle for the ages, why you may as well ask why there are 20 primarchs but only records of 18. In fact that is the answer to your problem. After RECORD DELETED I ordered that two hot dogs in every pack be sacrificed in memory of the RECORD DELETED of the RECORD DELETED. And now one of the ultimate mysteries of universe has been reviled. The inqisitors will be along shortly.

Dear the Space Emporer
Is there any way to get a tooth paste stain out of a silk tie? - Pasted in Polaris


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/10/29 15:18:51


Post by: malfred



Dear the Space Emporer
Is there any way to get a tooth paste stain out of a silk tie? - Pasted in Polaris



Hrmph. As if I can't use my psychic powers to see that your "silk tie" is really just a euphemism for
the geneseed of the Space Marines! So to answer your question...no. You wait for death and
then an Apothecary comes and extracts that thing to inject into another nubile young man.



Dear the Space Emporer,
What REALLY happened that made you so mad with Whorus?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/10/30 00:02:05


Post by: nyarlathotep667


Dear the Space Emporer,
What REALLY happened that made you so mad with Whorus?


Dear derflaM,
You of all my mindless minions should know the truth of what happened and it's that the Warmaster Whorus turned his back on his dear sweet space sugar daddy and cheated on me with not one, but all four of the ruinous powers, the dirty disloyal slut. It has come to my attention that you know something of this. So we will do to you as we did to Whorus those many years ago and give you enduring agony with death by ooga booga while banishing your legions to the Red Eye of Terror.
~You unloving Space Emperor


Dear Mighty Space Emporer,
What is the dark secret of the robe wearing Adeptus Astartes, the Dark Angels? And are they related to Jessica Alba?



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/05 05:46:27


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Mighty Space Emporer,
What is the dark secret of the robe wearing Adeptus Astartes, the Dark Angels? And are they related to Jessica Alba?

Funny you should ask.  Obviously it's not the dresses, since we all know about that.  Or the feathers, or the midgets or half the chapter going over to chaos, or the naked water polo, since we know about those too.  None of those are the dark secret.

This one time I asked old Lion-O what was up with that secret and he was all 'I have it locked in a vault' and I was all like 'can I see' and he was all 'later' but then he went and got killed by Lex Luthor and now we'l never know.

I think he's got Alba locked up in there.

Dear the Space Emperer

Y U close the forums, they R good forums and I lik then!

-Irate in the eye of terror



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/05 07:09:13


Post by: Jester


Dear the Space Emperer

Y U close the forums, they R good forums and I lik then!

-Irate in the eye of terror

Dear Mote in Teh Eye,

While we understand that giving our valued customers a place to smear with their feces whilst they dribble uncontrollably is important to you, please realize that bandwidth isn't cheap, and we can use that money to further provide...no, I can't lie.  We are all getting our desk chairs upholstered with mink with the money we are saving by getting rid of your cat-befouled sand box.  There are already many forums that provide the service that we did.  A few are listed here:

www.warseer.com This is spiritual sucessor of the now defunct Portent forum, i.e., its British. In a good way.  A good source of information with a few GW insiders.  One caveat: The first rule of Hofflenosh, is that you do not talk about Hofflenosh.

www.bolterandchainsword.com With design that looks like it started life as an angelfire site, or a white supremacist board, Bolter & Chainsword is all about the Marines.  If you ever want to feel like the only Marine in Fallujah, start a topic that inpugns the Adeptus Astartes in any way.  Current topics include whether the Space Marines have sexual organs, and how old they are when they start training.  Take from that what you will...

www.dakkadakka.com Good old DakkaDakka.  Currently in a fourth or fifth renaissance, DakkaDakka is thought of as one of the best for rules and tactics.  This is often interpreted as being a haven for powergamers, and while this is true at times, you can usually pick a nugget of gold out of the dross.  It is lacking a bit in the rumor department and all round feel compared to the 'good old days', it's still worth a look.

In closing, we appreciate your continued support and hope to be able to provide you with some of the best and most playtested rules in the industry.

Sincerely,

Emperor O. Mankind, CEO of Games Workshop

Dear the Emperor,

My friend Steve says that you can't be from Anatolia because that would make you a Turk and even a schoolboy knows that the Turks have no psychic powers.  What gives?

-I. Stan Bull (Not Constantinople)

 



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/05 22:39:00


Post by: Symbio Joe


Dear the Emperor,

My friend Steve says that you can't be from Anatolia because that would make you a Turk and even a schoolboy knows that the Turks have no psychic powers. What gives?

-I. Stan Bull (Not Constantinople)


That were those schoolboys I usually beat up with my brothers. I brought mankind the technology of the BMW. And they bow down and recognized my glory. Of course turks have special psychic powers. We use them to force our women walking behind us and carry our bags. That is the reason why there are no female Primarchs they would walk instantly behind me an carry my bags. I won't have conquered the whole universe with them. And we all know women can't drive properly a BMW.
Turks have also the mighty power to build a snack bar by the power of their will. And their mighty psychic enable them to fight with the mighty kebab swords. That is why my kebab sword is always on fire it fries the meat while cutting. The last power is kinda like the hive mind. You can call instantly your brothers if someone looks at you in a way you don't like or just looks at you. Those are the basic psychic powers of a trukish man.

Dear Space Emporer
Are you playing World of Warhammer? My Guild the 18 Pr1m4rch5 0f d00m still are in search for a l34d3r that r0ckz0rz.
Bobo (12)


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/06 23:42:11


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emporer
Are you playing World of Warhammer? My Guild the 18 Pr1m4rch5 0f d00m still are in search for a l34d3r that r0ckz0rz.
Bobo (12)


I've been playing WoW as a LARP for the last 40,000 years. My guild, THE SPACE EMPIRE has more than 1 million space marine members and 1 gazillion guardsmen. Plus some guy with these battle nuns, I think he's lame or something. Let me know if you're up for some PvP action.

Dear The Space Emperor
Today is election day, who do you endorse?
Voter on Vega


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/07 08:34:28


Post by: Anung Un Rama


Dear The Space Emperor
Today is election day, who do you endorse?
Voter on Vega

dear citizen,
since you live in a imperial dictatorship, with me the space emporer, as your one and only leader and god, you shouldn't even think about such acts of blasphamy like elections or even free speech. for your sins against me, I will send my special squad of dress wearing Inquisitors who will clean your mind of such foolish things.


dear the space emporer,
if you're really that great, then get out of your stupid chair and meet me at school yard after lunch break.
the local bully


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/14 06:16:32


Post by: Anung Un Rama


oh my gork! I killed the thread.
no seriously, I was kinda bored when I wrote this. If you like ignore it and answer Kyotos last question


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/14 19:19:48


Post by: Hellfury


Dear The Space Emperor
Today is election day, who do you endorse?
Voter on Vega

Dear Voter on Vega,
Zod
(He is a libertarian)

Dear The Space Emperor
What is the reason why people want to become a proctologist?
Anal Retentive


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/17 12:00:02


Post by: malfred


Local Bully,

Don't you remember? I was that doctor 17 years in the past who
touched you in a way that no doctor ever touched a bully, and you're
only remembering it now from my psychic touch.

Tremble before my power.

Dear the Space Emperor,

What's a good movie to see tonight?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/18 18:15:26


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


What's a good movie to see tonight?

Sitting here in my golden throne I, the Space Emperor of Space have a lot of time to watch TV.  I recommend Borat because it shows how foreign people are strange and funny and not the same as normal people.

I also recommend Ice Age 2, it's so cute (x2) ^_^!

Your Pal

T.S. Emperor

Dear the Space Emperor of Space

My son Jimmy was always a "sensitive" and "efeminite" boy with "flamboyant" tastes if you know what I mean.  He always wanted to be a hair dresser or a theatrical lighting director or decorator.  however lately he's been seeing the Space Marine Strong ads on the vid and says he wants to join the USMC (Ultramar Space Marine Corps).  While I admire his Space Patriotism I worry that he won't fit in with the typical marine and may find himself isolated if he joins.  should I let him?

Anxious in Andromeda

 



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/11/20 14:40:02


Post by: Jester


Dear the Space Emperor of Space

My son Jimmy was always a "sensitive" and "efeminite" boy with "flamboyant" tastes if you know what I mean.  He always wanted to be a hair dresser or a theatrical lighting director or decorator.  however lately he's been seeing the Space Marine Strong ads on the vid and says he wants to join the USMC (Ultramar Space Marine Corps).  While I admire his Space Patriotism I worry that he won't fit in with the typical marine and may find himself isolated if he joins.  should I let him?

Anxious in Andromeda

 Dear Anxious

I wouldn't worry about your son, he sounds like a perfect candidate for the Corps.  You see, the USMC is different from the USMC of the past.  Whereas a Marine from 10,000 years ago may have been able to successfully defeat an enemy, the Marines of today will be able to take a more objective view, to weigh all the options before commiting to a embarassing stalemate, and by that time he probably is being carried out as a casualty.  But fear not!  Our medical staff are experienced in cybernetics so your meat popsicle will be shipped back to the front in no time.  Tis better to be shattered in body, than to admit that we messed up.

And he could totally buy a Hyundai with that bonus money.

In closing, we look forward to hearing from your child.  We assure you, he will be in good hands.

T. Space Emporer

Dear L'Empereur D'epace

I love to eat cheetos, but all the schmutz gets onto my fingers and all over my clothes.  What do I do?

Cheezus H. Rice  



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/11 02:20:42


Post by: rryannn


Dear L'Empereur D'epace

I love to eat cheetos, but all the schmutz gets onto my fingers and all over my clothes. What do I do?

Cheezus H. Rice

Dear Cheezus H. Rice,

Simple Minds beget simple questions. In order to enjoy your "cheeto" without the mess, insert said "cheeto" completely into your mouth. But your mouth should always be full, praising your Emperor for all he does. Your love for cheetos competes with your devotion to me, choose now, and let your soul follow the path of the righteous, rather than the heretical path of the cheeto.

Your master for eternity,
Teh Space Emperor.

Dear Emperor,
I have finals this week, but I spent all weekend protecting your name playing DoW: DC. Is this acceptable behavior, or should studying come first?
-Looking for the answers


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/11 03:33:45


Post by: torealis


Looking for the answers,
Lo, it was said by thine Emperor of Much Room that videogaming is and always shalt be thine saviour. continue to honour my name and thine finals are inneth the bag.

Lovingly,
Emperor of

Dear Space Emperor,

Is there a Space Empress?

Longingly,
dingledangle


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/11 11:29:26


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emperor,

Is there a Space Empress?

Longingly,
dingledangle

Dear Dingledangle:

Not to brag but I've always been a bit of a lady's man, whether you're talking that magical night with Jayne Zarr and her sister Sallii, or that one sweaty night when I made Johnson my Space Emperess... well anyway there's about 1 gazillion (x2) battle sisters out there and let's just say they don't call themselves the brides of the Space Emperor for nuttin.

Thanks for asking

The T man

Dear General McSpaceEmperor

I support our troops in the war on chaos so I'm very upset to learn that many brave guardsmen are going into battle with substandard equipment.  I hear that many troops are equiped with flak armor and las guns, equipment that dates back to 30,000 AD.  Now that equipment offers no protection from today's AP5 weapons and can barely penetrate 3+ armor.  What can we do to ensure our troops get the equipment they need to accomplish their mission?  I put a magnet on my SUV but I'm not sure that's enough.

Soccer Mom on Sigma Major



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/11 13:38:17


Post by: Jester


Dear General McSpaceEmperor

I support our troops in the war on chaos so I'm very upset to learn that many brave guardsmen are going into battle with substandard equipment.  I hear that many troops are equiped with flak armor and las guns, equipment that dates back to 30,000 AD.  Now that equipment offers no protection from today's AP5 weapons and can barely penetrate 3+ armor.  What can we do to ensure our troops get the equipment they need to accomplish their mission?  I put a magnet on my SUV but I'm not sure that's enough.

Soccer Mom on Sigma Major

Dear Soccer Mom,

I have been informed by Avram Boole, Fabricator General of the Adeptus Mechanicus that a multitude of cost analysis studies have been done in conjunction with the office of Departmento Munitorum head Valkrys Feld on the Guard Strong initiative that will eventually implement many improvements for the warfighter of the 41st millenium, including sturdier footwear, delousing powder that actually works, and bolt shell proof Uplifting Primers. 

We expect to begin implentation of these improvements in the next fiscal year.  Until then, know that our brave guardsmen are shielded by your token gesture, and will continue to die in droves for the greater glory of the Imperium.  Your Imperium.

Victory at all Costs,

Emperor O. Mankind

Dear Space Emperor,

My daddy says that you are a god, but i say that gods wouldn't need to eat thousands of witches every day to survive like you do.

So, are you?

Questioning Quincy



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/11 17:03:07


Post by: rryannn


Questioning Quincy,
Question not my godliness, but question the worth of your existance. Of course I am a god. If you sat on a throne as long as I have, your head chef would've run out of dinner ideas a long time ago just as mine did. That, coupled with the fact that I am now beginning an animal friendly life, I am abstaining from beef, chicken and pork. Besides, witches taste like chicken anyway. Now, fear not the appetite of the emperor, but the appetite of the chaotic forces willing to eat thousands of doubter like yourself everyday.

the space emperor.

Dear space emperor,
Why is the sky blue? and the grass green?
Colorfully Inquisitive.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/11 18:00:26


Post by: malfred



Dear space emperor,
Why is the sky blue? and the grass green?
Colorfully Inquisitive.


olorfully Inquisitive,

You are obviously looking into the warp. Ever image I've ever seen of the earth and
its climate indicates shades of gray dominated by extreme dark shadows
and fuzzy lines.

That might just be a Blanche, thing, though.

And for impersonating an Inquisitor, I sentence you to sit upon my
throne.


Dear the Space Emperor,
What is the Space Wolf Primarch, Russ, up to at this very moment?

Hugs and Kisses and Heavy Petting,
Feral Furry


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/12 00:07:55


Post by: torealis


Feral Furry

Russ sits at might right foot, scrunching on a Xenos bone as we sit infront of a nice warm fire. Fear not yon heavy petter, for he shall return...

Fuzzily,
yon olde Space Imperatore

Dear Space Emperor,

this question has been plaguing me for millenia, tens of millenia... Who shot JR Ewing?

Sue Ellen


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/13 14:30:01


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emperor,

this question has been plaguing me for millenia, tens of millenia... Who shot JR Ewing?

Sue Ellen


Dear Sue,

Well since I am omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent you could say that all that transpires is in accordance with my Emperor Plan.

Except for that whole Horus Heresy thing, geeze I never saw that coming.

Your Pal
TS Emperor

Dear The Space Emperor
Soon the blessed season of Kwanza will be upon us, an ancient festival steeped in traditions dating back to M2Y966, during this the most holy time of the Space Year do you have any words for us and for the troops in the War on Chaos?

Celebratory on Cadia


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/16 11:19:03


Post by: torealis


Dear Celebratory in Cadia,

If I've used these words once, I've used them a thousand times... Stay the course.

Yours Everlastingly,

THE EMPEROR OF SPACE

Dear Space Imperator,

I tried asking a mirror, but looked like a goon. SO now i beseech you, just who is the fairest of them all?

Snow White


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/18 15:03:12


Post by: malfred


Snow White, Snow White, I'll throw you a bone,
If only you sit upon my golden throne.

Better than any talking mirror,
The Emperor Himself.

Dear Chief Emperor,

What do you propose your Empire of Man should do about those whipper
snapper Tau? Can anything be done?

Love,
Human Power.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2006/12/19 01:22:07


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Chief Emperor,

What do you propose your Empire of Man should do about those whipper
snapper Tau? Can anything be done?

Love,
Human Power.


The Tao? The Dao... yes I seem to recall getting a breifing about the possible Dow threat back in M35, I really must have Secretary of Offence Dorn and Galactic Security Advisor Rubert schedule a follow up. Until then our Space Military is on high alert against the Squat and Exodite threats, rest assured they will not harm the Space Empire so long as I am on the Golden Throne.

Spacey

Dear Mr Space Emperor
I've been a very good girl this year, I helped my mother make dinner, I cleaned my room and I helped purge Timmy the boy with the big ears who was probably a filthy mutie from my 2nd grade class.
Will Father Kwanzaa bring my a My Lil Bolter like I asked him too?

Sally


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/01/04 07:33:25


Post by: ancientsociety


Sally,

It pleases me that you've started your purging at an early age. I see great things ahead for you - the Sisters Of Battle perhaps?...Ah, I do so love that corset-armour, it always gets me right...oh! What was I saying there? Ah yes, of course you'll recieve your lil bolter for xmas. Raise the shields, children! But you must promise me that you will continue to purge the unclean. Anybody who even remotely displays anything "new" or "different", should suffer not to live.

Dear Emperor Of All Mankind,

I keep having these visions of things that have not yet come to pass. Is this a problem? Should I go see my local medicae?



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/01/08 13:23:55


Post by: torealis


FEEEEEEEEEEEED MEEEE

*cough*

Pardon me. What i meant to say is: "You've won! Congratulations! Please send your address to 'The Inquisition, Death Hill, Death World, Certain Doom.' A Black Ship will then wing its way to you post-haste to usher your prize to you!"


Dear Space Emperor,

My older brother said you weren't real and all the letters i sent you ever Kwanza were just going to a bit mail room on Titan. Please tell him that he's been a bad boy and will get a severed head next Kwanza.

I love you,
Little Boy.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/01/09 13:37:24


Post by: Gothicfuture


Dear Space Emperor,

My older brother said you weren't real and all the letters i sent you ever Kwanza were just going to a bit mail room on Titan. Please tell him that he's been a bad boy and will get a severed head next Kwanza.

I love you,
Little Boy.


Dear little boy if your brother needs proof that i'm real just think of all the daemonic incursions that didn't happen because I was on the job...

And yes, he will get a severed head for Kwanza....

Dear Space Emperor:

How come after all these years they never figured out how to make a plasma gun that didn't kill its user?

Sincerely, Seriously Seeking Aloe


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/01 23:25:59


Post by: Lordhat


Posted By Gothicfuture on 01/09/2007 6:37 PM

Dear Space Emperor:

How come after all these years they never figured out how to make a plasma gun that didn't kill its user?

Sincerely, Seriously Seeking Aloe

Dear Aloe,

After enough people die to plasma guns, the only ones left will be those strong enough to survive them. After we breed those with with the last surviving Sisters Repentia, we'll finally be a race able to withstand the effects of gobal warming. Once THAT happens we can once again start a new golden age of technonlogy, where we can pollute EVERY planet to the point where not even tyranids can survive. THEN we shall truly rule the galaxy. (And every planet in the Imperium will be so foul, all those extra-galactic travel agancies I invested in will finally start showing a profit!) 

Dear Space Emporer,

What is your middle name?



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/02 00:42:55


Post by: Green Bloater


Dear t3h Space Emporer

Who put the dangle in my dongle?

SHOE-BEE DOO-BEE DOO WAP!!!


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/02 11:01:11


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emporer,

What is your middle name?


Space, my first name is The

Dear Emperor O'Space

This smoking hot chick I'm banging asked if I could give her access to the top secret defence mainframes. She totally promises she is not a killer robot. Should I let her?

G Baltar on Caprica

PS did I mention she's SMOKING HOT?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/02 15:08:26


Post by: pnweerar



Dear Emperor O'Space

This smoking hot chick I'm banging asked if I could give her access to the top secret defence mainframes. She totally promises she is not a killer robot. Should I let her?

G Baltar on Caprica

PS did I mention she's SMOKING HOT?


Dear Baltar,

It does not matter if she is a killer robot, because even if she is, she's a smoking hot killer robot -- which is even hotter.

Just don't be seen making out with her in public places or there might be trouble, you know? In case she's a 'bot. If this is a strain just carry her around in your head for a bit, don't worry it's pretty harmless.


Dear Space Emperor,

Ninjas or Pirates?

The Jolly Ronin


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/02 15:28:24


Post by: ancientsociety


Dear Space Emperor,

Ninjas or Pirates?

The Jolly Ronin


Dear Jollies,

Neither - genetically-engineered supermen everytime!

Yours,
The Emperor!


Dear All-Powerful God Of Mankind,

What's up with the Eldar? I thought they were supposed to be a "dwindling" race...

Sincerely,

Perplexed Ordos Xenos Inquisitor (POXI)



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/02 15:58:45


Post by: Lordhat


Posted By ancientsociety on 02/02/2007 8:28 PM
]

Dear All-Powerful God Of Mankind,

What's up with the Eldar? I thought they were supposed to be a "dwindling" race...

Sincerely,

Perplexed Ordos Xenos Inquisitor (POXI)



Dear POXI,

This is obviously in reference to the size of their genitalia. Have you seen their armor lately? No codpieces whatsoever. This is why the Empire of Man shall ever rule supreme. "The bigger the codpiece, the better the ruler." Even the so called "nobles" of super ancient Terra knew this.

Deer Teh Spaze Empurer,

My dad tol mee that i ned to lurn to spel betur but i tol him that spaze marinz dont hav to no how to spel tha just hav to no how to kil l-dar and teeraniz and nekrawnz and how too ax u for yor blesinz but he tol me that im too smal to bee a  spaze marinz and that you woodnt help me an if i didnt lurn how to spel that you woodnt bles me my preest tol mee that you help ne tru beleevr who ax you in praer who is write an cood you send the inkwizishun for the won ho iz rong

thank u

hi skool graduit



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/03 08:53:45


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Deer Teh Spaze Empurer,

My dad tol mee that i ned to lurn to spel betur but i tol him that spaze marinz dont hav to no how to spel tha just hav to no how to kil l-dar and teeraniz and nekrawnz and how too ax you for yor blesinz but he tol me that im too smal to bee a spaze marinz and that you woodnt help me an if i didnt lurn how to spel that you woodnt bles me my preest tol mee that you help ne tru beleevr who ax you in praer who is write an cood you send the inkwizishun for the won ho iz rong

thank u

hi skool graduit


Dear Hi Skool

I have just 4 words for you:

"Blessed is the mind too small for doubt"

Or maybe 8 words. Something like that. Math is hard.

You tell your dad that the Ultramar Space Marine Corps does not discriminate based on spelling ability, so long as you can spell Kil Kil Kil on your shoulder pad and remember don't shoot the guys with the Us on their shoulders you're golden.

Sincerely
The Big Kahoona

Dear Dad-I mean, um Mr. Space Emperor Dad, I mean Space Emperor!

Which of the primarchs is your favorite?
And second favorite?
How about third?

What about that handsome and wise Rogal Dorn guy, I mean you persoanlly had him build you an unblowupable space house so you must like him a lot right? Right?

Just wondering
Not Rogal Dorn


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/03 11:08:51


Post by: ancientsociety


Dear Dad-I mean, um Mr. Space Emperor Dad, I mean Space Emperor!

Which of the primarchs is your favorite?
And second favorite?
How about third?

What about that handsome and wise Rogal Dorn guy, I mean you persoanlly had him build you an unblowupable space house so you must like him a lot right? Right?

Just wondering
Not Rogal Dorn


Dear NRD,

Rogal Dorn was all fine and good. Where do you think I got this *female dog*in' recliner? Or the built-in widescreen plasma with surround sound? But, he never did build me that "space laser" I always kept talking about. Everytime I told him I wanted to name it the "Death Star", he kept laughing. I didn't think it was very funny.

Anyway, I love all my son...errr, genetic offshoots equally. Except for Horus.....and Angron.....and.....


Dear Master Of Mankind,

Why does the Ecclesiarchy get such a bad rap? After all, we've got cardinals, arch-bishops, barristers, certified accountants....We're not such a bad group. We bring enlightenment to the filthy masses of stupid, gullible....I mean zealotous, noble men and women everywhere! Why don't people like us more?

Yours,
Martine St. Augustine
Bishop of Ophelia V


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/06 16:03:36


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Master Of Mankind,

Why does the Ecclesiarchy get such a bad rap? After all, we've got cardinals, arch-bishops, barristers, certified accountants....We're not such a bad group. We bring enlightenment to the filthy masses of stupid, gullible....I mean zealotous, noble men and women everywhere! Why don't people like us more?

Yours,
Martine St. Augustine
Bishop of Ophelia V


I think it's those silly vows. I mean come on. No booze, no women, no pork? No wonder you guys all want to jab yourselves with needles and die in battle. Loosen up, live a litte.

TSE


Dear Mr. Space Emperor

I'm a Black Templar y'know. This one time me and the lads got in a ruckus with these guys from the Black Legion and I'm pretty sure we won cept, y'know, in a fight stuff get's kind of confusing, with all the dust and smoke and yelling and baldness and blood. So like when we got home I counted and we had like, five more guys than when we started. So I looked over the lads and I saw one of them had a skull for a head so I was like CHAOS! and killed him cept turns out he was our Chaplain. So now I'm pretty sure some of these guys are Chaos Marines but I can't tell who. I mean we all have skulls and chains and capes and shout a lot. What should I do?

Confused Chapter Master


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/08 17:46:27


Post by: Orlanth


Posted By Kid_Kyoto on 02/06/2007 9:03 PM
Dear Mr. Space Emperor

I'm a Black Templar y'know. This one time me and the lads got in a ruckus with these guys from the Black Legion and I'm pretty sure we won cept, y'know, in a fight stuff get's kind of confusing, with all the dust and smoke and yelling and baldness and blood. So like when we got home I counted and we had like, five more guys than when we started. So I looked over the lads and I saw one of them had a skull for a head so I was like CHAOS! and killed him cept turns out he was our Chaplain. So now I'm pretty sure some of these guys are Chaos Marines but I can't tell who. I mean we all have skulls and chains and capes and shout a lot. What should I do?

Confused Chapter Master


Dear Confused Chapter Master

The solution is to look how the suspect members are based. Members of a different army may be based differently even if their armour looks similar. Many have a pedestal effect that you may have noticed. sometimes this has a green rim, but sometimes a brown. All the brothers should have the same basing.

Dont worry about the Chaplain, plenty more where he came from.

the Space Emporer

 

Dear Space Emporer

My Baneblade wont start, and my back to Forgeworld warranty seal has expired. What shall I do.

Captain Honorios Gont, 313th Cadian Assault Grenadiers



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/14 14:23:57


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emporer

My Baneblade wont start, and my back to Forgeworld warranty seal has expired. What shall I do.

Captain Honorios Gont, 313th Cadian Assault Grenadiers


That is why I always get the extended warrenty package. It's only $20 and it can really pay off in the long run. Why just week my Golden Laz-E-Boy broke on me and without that extended warrenty seal I'd be D-E-D dead and the whole space universe would be eaten by demons.

In your case you might want to just wait a few months though, my psychic powers tell me there will be some shinny new PLASTIC BANEBLADES coming out this summer.

Yours in Mechanical Skillz
The Omnimessiah of Space

Dear 'The Man'

As you know, this month is Black History Month. What are you doing to recognize the contributions of blacks to our history?

Angry Black Man


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/16 04:15:12


Post by: Orlanth


Dear 'The Man'

As you know, this month is Black History Month. What are you doing to recognize the contributions of blacks to our history?

Angry Black Man



Dear Angry Black Man

We of the Imperium do not discriminate, be assured the Adeptus Terra will protect, administer and moderate all my citizens with the same level of loving care and sympathy.
As a case in point I would like to remind you that the Salamander's chapter is an equal opportunities employer.
At least you were smart enough not to ask why we channelled black colonists to High G hostile environment planets like Prometheus. I usually refer such cases to the Inquisition.

Yours omnisciently
the Space Emporer



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/16 04:26:36


Post by: Orlanth


.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/16 04:26:39


Post by: Orlanth


Dear Space Emporer

Could you send me some of those hunky Catachans to check out my quarters, my Convent cell block has a cockroach infestation. Can they check it out please. They are so sexy, I mean good in close action... I mean in a lasgun sort of way. After all it might be tyranids.

Could they stay a bit longer this time. The er 'Tyranids' might come back.

Sister Invioleta. Block 312, Chapel Beta, St Agnes Quadrans, Orphelia IV


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/18 22:29:29


Post by: Anung Un Rama


Dear Space Emporer

Could you send me some of those hunky Catachans to check out my quarters, my Convent cell block has a cockroach infestation. Can they check it out please. They are so sexy, I mean good in close action... I mean in a lasgun sort of way. After all it might be tyranids.

Could they stay a bit longer this time. The er 'Tyranids' might come back.

Sister Invioleta. Block 312, Chapel Beta, St Agnes Quadrans, Orphelia IV


a Tyranid invasion you say? don't worry faithful servant. altough I don't believe a squat of Catachans will do the job, the exterminatus team I've send will take care of this problem at once.

your magnificant "the space emporer"


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/19 13:02:15


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Anung Un Rama

Although you forgot to include a question my Emperor Question Sense has already detected the one you meant to ask.

The answer is yes, it is a tumor. Probably fatal. Inoperable. Quite Painful.

But I wouldn't worry.

The army of necrons that hit your planet next week will kill you even faster.

So remember always look on the bright side of life!

Your Pal
Emperor O'Space


Dear the Space Emperor,

I'm a tired of getting the ole run around on this, so tell me, once and for all, is Sigmar a primarch or not?

Ornerary in the Olde Worlde


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/20 10:32:26


Post by: Lordhat


Posted By Kid_Kyoto on 02/19/2007 6:02 PM




Dear the Space Emperor,

I'm a tired of getting the ole run around on this, so tell me, once and for all, is Sigmar a primarch or not?

Ornerary in the Olde Worlde


Dear Ornerary,

Due to the ongoing Paternity suit filed against me by Morathi, my lawyers have advised me not to comment.

 

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Who would win in a fight? Pee Wee Herman, or Erkel?

Yours truly,

Nerdfights.com



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/02/27 15:25:46


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Who would win in a fight? Pee Wee Herman, or Erkel?

Yours truly,

Nerdfights.com


Dear Phait D'Nurd

As long as they fight to the death, we ALL win.

Love
The Big E



Oh most Imperial Emperor of Spacial Space

Help us OB1 Space Emperor, you're our only hope! Our poor world is being oppressed by an undead immortal psker who demands human sacrifice. Any who dare defy him are killed by his 7'tall armored mutant warrior fanatics! You must save us!

Ironic on Io


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/02 09:49:14


Post by: Orlanth


Oh most Imperial Emperor of Spacial Space

Help us OB1 Space Emperor, you're our only hope! Our poor world is being oppressed by an undead immortal psker who demands human sacrifice. Any who dare defy him are killed by his 7'tall armored mutant warrior fanatics! You must save us!

Ironic on Io

Dear Ironic

How do I hate a copycat. Can you please walk as close to the palace of this upstart as possible. Then retransmit your petition. Battlefleet Terra will be on standby to target your coordinates. And remember the blood of Martyrs is the seed of them Imperium.

Thankyou
the Big Cheese



Dear the Space Emporer

Aun'vre Slothead has been telling us we can worship the Space Emperor, and pray and such like; so long as we follow the Greater Good. Aun'vre Slothead seems really nice for a Xenos, I am sure you would like him. Can we all get along and eat lentils and pick flowers? Have to dash now, I am late for my kroot hugging class.

Love and hugs - by order of the Aun Council
Stranded on Damocles



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/05 12:41:25


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear the Space Emporer

Aun'vre Slothead has been telling us we can worship the Space Emperor, and pray and such like; so long as we follow the Greater Good. Aun'vre Slothead seems really nice for a Xenos, I am sure you would like him. Can we all get along and eat lentils and pick flowers? Have to dash now, I am late for my kroot hugging class.

Love and hugs - by order of the Aun Council
Stranded on Damocles


Dear Stranded:

DO NOT FEAR! We in the Space Empire have a motto, "leave hardly any men behind" and we shall come to thy aid. Even as we speak children are being born who will, in 18-20 years, become the guard regiments who will form the first wave of the 50 year crusade to rescue you from the alien hoards.

With regard to your question, Space Imperialism is a religion of love, not hate. So long as you remember our sacred rule of "Love to kill thy heretical, mutant, xenos, witch and daemonic neighbors" and you'll be fine. Remember your immortal soul will be judged accordingly.

Your God-like Omnipotant Lord
PS Speaking of religious questions...

Dear Our most Divine Emperor of Space,

I was raised an Orthodox Imperialist and attend the witch burning every Wednesday. "Wednesday is Witch Day" sayth the Space Emperor. However the people down the road are Puritan Imperialists and subscribe to the heretical docrtine "Monday is Mutant Day" and attend a mutant execution every Monday. As an orthodox imperialist I hate these heretics. Do you think if I strap a bomb to my stomach and blow myself up in the market place it will show them the error of their ways?

Holy Warrior


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/05 16:27:38


Post by: Lordhat


Posted By Kid_Kyoto on 03/05/2007 5:41 PM


Dear Our most Divine Emperor of Space,

I was raised an Orthodox Imperialist and attend the witch burning every Wednesday. "Wednesday is Witch Day" sayth the Space Emperor. However the people down the road are Puritan Imperialists and subscribe to the heretical docrtine "Monday is Mutant Day" and attend a mutant execution every Monday. As an orthodox imperialist I hate these heretics. Do you think if I strap a bomb to my stomach and blow myself up in the market place it will show them the error of their ways?

Holy Warrior

Dear Holy,

  There IS indeed a seperate day of the week for burning of all the Empire's enemies. Just remember that Tuesday is Xenos Day, and THURSDAY is suicide-bomb-your-neighbors day. Enjoy them well for this Friday is your planet's turn for Praise-The-Holy-Purgatus-OMGI'monfireputmeout day.

Enjoy your extinction.

   -The Space Emperor.

Dear The Space Emporer,

 What is the best way to get skid marks out of my Holy Underwear?

-Just Saw Cypher



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/05 16:48:10


Post by: Odd the Quiet


Dear JSC,

Promethium, just don't scrub too hard.

__________________


Dear The Space Emperor,

How much flagellation is too much flagellation?

- Running Out of Skin


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/05 17:37:47


Post by: nyarlathotep667


Running out of Skin-

There is no such thing as too much flagellation, so get back to it lest I send Sister Merciless over with a Purgation Squad to provide a promethium solution to your skin problems.

Love,
Emperor of the Known Universe and Master of Mankind


++++++
+
Dear Spase Emp0rer!!!

WOO! I love Spase marhunez soooo MUCH! They mak m3 feel all warm and fuzzy and speshul inside and like my... you know... itz all hard n stuff ALL DAY! LOL! Mother Mutantiz says itz unhealthy for a little boy like me to obbsess on the Spase Marhunez so cuz they wuld never let someone like me in da Imperial Gard much less the Holee SPase Marhunez of Zagnutia IV!!!! *splurt* Anywayz, even if I cant be wun, I wanna meet some! Please oh please please pretty please can I meet some Space Mahrienz?!?!? I wanna shoe them mah tentacles and mah third eye and mah extra arm and all that!!! Mother Mutantiz iz alwayz moving us from underhive to underhive, she sayz the Imperialz an especially the ReeDempshunistz doan like us much and would burninate us on site or sumfing. I cant tell what Mother Mutantiz says haf da time, but I know next week weel be in Hive DCLXVII on Zagnutia IV!!! Can I pleeeeeeees see sum space marhuienze??!?!

- Overly Exuberant Space Marine Fan


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/06 04:53:25


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Spase Emp0rer!!!

WOO! I love Spase marhunez soooo MUCH! They mak m3 feel all warm and fuzzy and speshul inside and like my... you know... itz all hard n stuff ALL DAY! LOL! Mother Mutantiz says itz unhealthy for a little boy like me to obbsess on the Spase Marhunez so cuz they wuld never let someone like me in da Imperial Gard much less the Holee SPase Marhunez of Zagnutia IV!!!! *splurt* Anywayz, even if I cant be wun, I wanna meet some! Please oh please please pretty please can I meet some Space Mahrienz?!?!? I wanna shoe them mah tentacles and mah third eye and mah extra arm and all that!!! Mother Mutantiz iz alwayz moving us from underhive to underhive, she sayz the Imperialz an especially the ReeDempshunistz doan like us much and would burninate us on site or sumfing. I cant tell what Mother Mutantiz says haf da time, but I know next week weel be in Hive DCLXVII on Zagnutia IV!!! Can I pleeeeeeees see sum space marhuienze??!?!

- Overly Exuberant Space Marine Fan


Dear OESMF

I notice you failed to include a return address with your letter. As you know all letters MUST have a complete return address and contact information. Please write again with your location, a map of the area and the disposition of any guards and I promise you will have a chance to meet many, many Space Marines.

Your Pal
Honest Abe, the Emperor of Space

Hey Big Guy

Back when I was in my 20s my belly was as flat as a washboard, my abs were ripped, my hair was thick and flowing. THe ladies couldn't keep their hands off of me. But now I'm in my 40s and belly's big and round, my muscles flabby and my hair is gone. All of this started when I got married to my wife. So I was wondering, is she a witch who has hexed me? Should I get rid of her? Once I do will my hair grow back?

Middle Aged on Modrida


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/06 11:43:09


Post by: Orlanth


Hey Big Guy

Back when I was in my 20s my belly was as flat as a washboard, my abs were ripped, my hair was thick and flowing. THe ladies couldn't keep their hands off of me. But now I'm in my 40s and belly's big and round, my muscles flabby and my hair is gone. All of this started when I got married to my wife. So I was wondering, is she a witch who has hexed me? Should I get rid of her? Once I do will my hair grow back?

Middle Aged on Modrida



Dear Big Guy.

There isnt a problem really. From where I am sitting the older you get the more chicks dig you. Just look at me, my skin is gone and my entrails are hooked up to my Golden recliner, however I am still the ladies man. Those Sisters cant get enough of me, just believe it. If you dont I will send you a few to keep you company for a while.

Yours Omnisciently
Teh Space Emporer



Dear the Space Emperor.

I am depressed, because my Chimera lasguns can't. Why is this?

Frustrated from Ferrox


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/11 12:57:09


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear the Space Emperor.

I am depressed, because my Chimera lasguns can't. Why is this?

Frustrated from Ferrox


Dear Frustrated

Why would your lasguns need to depress? Surely mere infantry poses no threat to your fully armed and operational battle vehicles?

The Space Emperor, Military genious

Comrade Space Emperor

Many Space Years we Valhallans make good Russian stereotype. We drink the vodka, we fight the Space Germans, we beat the wife. But now you make Vorastrians Russian Stereotype. They wear the funny hat, they do the funny kick dance, they beat (x2) the wife. For why you make new Russian stereotype army?

Vexed on Valhalla


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/11 15:08:38


Post by: Lordhat


Posted By Kid_Kyoto on 03/11/2007 5:57 PM


Comrade Space Emperor

Many Space Years we Valhallans make good Russian stereotype. We drink the vodka, we fight the Space Germans, we beat the wife. But now you make Vorastrians Russian Stereotype. They wear the funny hat, they do the funny kick dance, they beat (x2) the wife. For why you make new Russian stereotype army?

Vexed on Valhalla

After the fall of the Berlinengrad XXIV Wall, there was no need for the Valhallans to be so Ruski anymore. From now on you will just serve to remind us of the glory days when pugilistic Vidcasts were great entertainment, along with the ones about Proto Space Marines single handedly taking on entire armies of swarthy-cloth-covered-savages-with-stubbas. Now we need a new sterotype of the Ruski; Much more cuddly, and willing to sell the rest of us cheap porn featuring their young women.

 

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Is it true that Dark Angles can only field 5 or 10 man squads beacuse their generals aren't smart enough to count better than "one hand, two hands"?

- Cypher
 



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/11 17:18:09


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Is it true that Dark Angles can only field 5 or 10 man squads beacuse their generals aren't smart enough to count better than "one hand, two hands"?

- Cypher


Dear Cy

When it comes to those guys I got one rule, don't ask, don't tell.

But yeah.

Sad.

Your Pal
The

PS, Cy when you gonna come visit me?


Dear My Idol!

Oh boy, oh boy, I've been reading you column since long, long ago but this is the first time I've writeen in. You are totally my idol! Like I want to be just like you! So I started my own modest Galactic Empire, not as nice as your Space Empire of course but suitable for a old man like myself. I also have an army of fanatically loyal men in color coordinated armor and vast psychic powers. But I was wondering if I could get some advice, I have this secret fear that one day my most loyal #2 guy will suddenly betray me and throw me down a bottomless pit. Do you have any advice on how to stop that?  I realize you never had the best of luck with your #2 guys but I figure you've had a lot of time to think about it since then.

Sincerely
Your #1 fan
Palpatine @ GFFA


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/13 04:03:24


Post by: Orlanth


Dear My Idol!

Oh boy, oh boy, I've been reading you column since long, long ago but this is the first time I've writeen in. You are totally my idol! Like I want to be just like you! So I started my own modest Galactic Empire, not as nice as your Space Empire of course but suitable for a old man like myself. I also have an army of fanatically loyal men in color coordinated armor and vast psychic powers. But I was wondering if I could get some advice, I have this secret fear that one day my most loyal #2 guy will suddenly betray me and throw me down a bottomless pit. Do you have any advice on how to stop that? I realize you never had the best of luck with your #2 guys but I figure you've had a lot of time to think about it since then.

Sincerely
Your #1 fan
Palpatine @ GFFA


My dear brother Palpatine,
As you live so far far away, I see no reason why we cant get on. So I will help you on this occassion. In general so long as your loyal #2 guy has not started gibbering on something about the Dark Gods you are likely ok. But every galactic overlord should put in place some elementary precautions. Keep a Golden Recliner handy, and make sure all your bottomless pits have trampolines installed as standard.  And never underestimate the close combat skills of cute little teddy bears with neolithic technology. May I suggest investing in some assault marines.  You do know that chainswords are far less clumsy and random than blasters, right. However my precogntion skills have improved with time and I really suggest you pay more attention to....Never mind, as your message has been winging its way to me from long long ago, by the time my reply get back to you it will be too late.

Yours Omnisciently
Your Friendly Big Brother



Yo the Space Emporer

I need something to match my bling for when I go cruisin' with my Honour posse, checkin' out the Sisters, and for serious baddass quality drivebys. So can you arrange it for me for Xibit to Pimp My Rhino.

You are da man.
Marneus Calgar


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/16 15:43:41


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Yo the Space Emporer

I need something to match my bling for when I go cruisin' with my Honour posse, checkin' out the Sisters, and for serious baddass quality drivebys. So can you arrange it for me for Xibit to Pimp My Rhino.

You are da man.
Marneus Calgar


Dear Marneus

Even with my power of Emperor omnicence I have no F#$%ing idea what you're talking about. So the answer is... uh... all is proceeding as I have forseen. Yeah.

Big E

Dear Empy O'Space

Begorah! Tomorrow is St Drinkinfight's Day, the forth most sacred day of the Space Year dedicated to the patron saint of Drinking and Fighting. What will you be doing on this holy day to honor St. Drinkinfight?

Irish Eyes on Io Epsilon


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/03/27 13:21:18


Post by: Durandal


Big E

Dear Empy O'Space

Begorah! Tomorrow is St Drinkinfight's Day, the forth most sacred day of the Space Year dedicated to the patron saint of Drinking and Fighting. What will you be doing on this holy day to honor St. Drinkinfight?

Irish Eyes on Io Epsilon


Dear Empy O'Space,

I'm pretty sure my buddy Russ has that covered. That guy is always throwing keggers. Its like every day is dedicated to a different alchoholic beverage. Thankfully, I rigged it so he can't get drunk, but I miss all the bowing to the golden throne.


Hey, ignorant Mon-keh seer,

Knight to black King Six. Checkmate in 3. Booyah!

Eldrad "The Man" Ulthran


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/04/09 15:14:29


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Hey, ignorant Mon-keh seer,

Knight to black King Six. Checkmate in 3. Booyah!

Eldrad "The Man" Ulthran

Dear Eldrad

Abadon sword to your skull! Check and mate. thanks for the good times mate.

Your pal
The Emp


Dear the Space Emperor of Space

When you founded the Great Imperial Space Empire of Space you said 'This Empire shall endure for ten thousand years'. Well, that was 9999 years ago so I was wondering what next? Like, should we be learning Taoese or something?

Anxious on Andromeda



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/06 03:54:34


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


(reduced to answering my own questions... ah well)

Dear the Space Emperor of Space

When you founded the Great Imperial Space Empire of Space you said 'This Empire shall endure for ten thousand years'. Well, that was 9999 years ago so I was wondering what next? Like, should we be learning Taoese or something?

Anxious on Andromeda


Dude, you have to remember when I made that speech we had like a gazillion Space Demons and half of all the Space Marines knocking on the door and things were looking a bit grim. So like to fire up the troops I made up this whole song and dance about how my psychic powers told me we'd win and the Space Empire would go on for like 10,000 years and stuff. It's not like I could say hey guys, we're doomed and I got no idea how long we can hold out. And hey, what can I say it worked. We kicked that loser Horus' butt all the way back to the Eye of Terror.

So don't be putting too much stock in that date OK? And even if it turns out I was right, so what? We had a good run, I mean most Space Empire fail in their first 30 years.

Your Mostly Omnicient Space Emperor Guy

Dear the Space Emperor

How come you wear SOLID GOLD all year around? Doesn't it get too hot in summer and too gold in winter? Not to mention the chaffing. Why not a nice wool blended suit?

Tailor from Tatooeen


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/07 08:02:57


Post by: nyarlathotep667


Dear the Space Emperor

How come you wear SOLID GOLD all year around? Doesn't it get too hot in summer and too gold in winter? Not to mention the chaffing. Why not a nice wool blended suit?

Tailor from Tatooeen


Dear Tatooeen Tailor,
I see what you are trying to do and I won't fall for your thinly guised attempt to assasinate me with grox pox infested woolen undies. Enjoy your last few moments of life before my Imperial Vampire Assassin exsanguinates you. But, before you die, to answer your question, it's because wearing SOLID GOLD year round is totally bling-tastic and shows to all da peeps in the galaxies that I'm the fo shizzle rizzle mad pimp of Holy Terra and you best not be startin no static with me or you gonna get slapped up side the head and beaten like a rented mule by my gangsta thugstas, the Ultra Bling Marines:


Anyhow, Mr. Soon-To-Be-Living-The-Rest-of-His-Short-Ass-Life-In-Agonizing-Pain you best be getting to enjoy your last few miserable moments of life while you can. Lovingly, Your Omnipotent Space Pimp,
Da Emporer of Holy Terra


Dear Great Space Emperor,

Here on Zagnutia Prime there seems to be a problem with some of the people getting uppity and what nots. Like they say we should bow to the power of the High Lords of Terra and that they are the true rules or the universe. But my mom says those guys are just as bad as worshiping Chaos or something and that we should all be praying to the Emperor Diefied for saving our sorry asses from the warp storms and the boogeymen inside them (this is also why she says I shouldn't travel in space and should stick to my job here in the clone vats in the underhive). Who is right?
-Confused on Zagnutia Prime


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/08 08:46:08


Post by: Orlanth


Nyarly, you should have answered the 'pimp my rhino' question.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/08 08:56:27


Post by: Orlanth


Dear Great Space Emperor,

Here on Zagnutia Prime there seems to be a problem with some of the people getting uppity and what nots. Like they say we should bow to the power of the High Lords of Terra and that they are the true rules or the universe. But my mom says those guys are just as bad as worshiping Chaos or something and that we should all be praying to the Emperor Diefied for saving our sorry asses from the warp storms and the boogeymen inside them (this is also why she says I shouldn't travel in space and should stick to my job here in the clone vats in the underhive). Who is right?
-Confused on Zagnutia Prime


Dear Confused,
You are at least partly right by writing to me you are siding with the Emperor Deified, that me, one and the same. As for the High Lords of Terra, thats me in a way too, as they are my appointed representatives. What didturbs me is that your faith isn't blind enough for my liking. Stare at your local sun or low powered lasgun for a few hours, then repeat your quetions andf you will find forgiveness added to the answers.

your omnisciently
E


Dear Teh Space Emporer

Pleeze can we have da next codex, coz we iz ded hard and tuff and real killy like.

Not da orks.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/09 06:50:42


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Teh Space Emporer

Pleeze can we have da next codex, coz we iz ded hard and tuff and real killy like.

Not da orks.


I have vowed that as soon as Codex the Space Marines is finished there shall be new codexes for all the hethan, me-less alien races. At this time we have Codex Blue Marines, Codex Black Mareins and Codex Green Marines, after I finish the remaining 997 codexes I will start on Codex Orks. Unless of course we relaunch 40k again, in which case I have to start over. But I promise when Codex Orks does come out it will have the best models ever and really great rules! We'll either be taking the Orks back to their roots with funny rules and crazy tech, or getting rid of the silliness and making them dead 'ard grim killers. Whichever we didn't do last time.

Your Humble Scribe
The Space Emperor


Dear The Space Emperor

I support the War on Chaos. I have TWO flags flying on my SUV, a magnet AND a bumper sticker. I also have a picture of an Eagle on my Blog. However I wanted to ask about this letter I got in the mail telling my son to report to recruiting center #2457 for induction into the Imperial Guard to fight in the Eye of Rampaging Anarchy and Chaos (Eye-RAC). Now obviously this can't be right. I'm an upper class lawyer and my son is due to start at Space College next year where he will major in Marketing with a minor in Exploiting Peasants. Surely this letter was meant for some lower class child, perhaps with a similar name. I am sure you will clear it up.

Yours loyally

Loyal Lawyer from Lambda IV

PS Did I mention that I personally donated 100 star-bucks to the support our troops golf tourament?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/09 11:50:04


Post by: fellblade


Dear The Space Emperor

I support the War on Chaos. I have TWO flags flying on my SUV, a magnet AND a bumper sticker. I also have a picture of an Eagle on my Blog. However I wanted to ask about this letter I got in the mail telling my son to report to recruiting center #2457 for induction into the Imperial Guard to fight in the Eye of Rampaging Anarchy and Chaos (Eye-RAC). Now obviously this can't be right. I'm an upper class lawyer and my son is due to start at Space College next year where he will major in Marketing with a minor in Exploiting Peasants. Surely this letter was meant for some lower class child, perhaps with a similar name. I am sure you will clear it up.

Yours loyally

Loyal Lawyer from Lambda IV

PS Did I mention that I personally donated 100 star-bucks to the support our troops golf tourament?

Dear Loyal Lawyer,
Considering the fact that all my sons were in the service, and I even had to off a couple of them myself, I think you must need a quick renewal of basic loyalty indoctrination. Some nice officers of the Inquisition are going to drop by your hab (Erys Obscuratis, level 1745, block Alpha-34, unit 244) and explain to you the many career-enhancing benefits that your son will enjoy as a member of the Imperial Guard.  Assuming he survives. The benefits of being a veteran are not to be lightly dismissed, including money for college and subsidized health care- even bionics!  And employers look with favor upon Imperial military service, which instills virtues such as obedience and self-sacrifice- virtues in which you will soon be having a brisk refresher course as Recruit #6377218 in the Erys Obscuratis Penal Legion.  As a mark of my appreciation for your unstinting support, I am personally attaching an Aquila magnet to your explosive collar.

 Yours in Sacrifice,

Teh Space Emporer

Dear Space Emporer,

Which is your favorite Ruinous Power?  Lucius says you like the Porn God best, but I bet him [CENSORED] and fifty-three [CENSORED] [CENSORED] that you like all of them equally.  'Cause you're sort of a paraplegic, only deader, so porn would just be, you know, frustrating to you.

Naughty in the Nightielords



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/14 11:02:50


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emporer,

Which is your favorite Ruinous Power? Lucius says you like the Porn God best, but I bet him [CENSORED] and fifty-three [CENSORED] [CENSORED] that you like all of them equally. 'Cause you're sort of a paraplegic, only deader, so porn would just be, you know, frustrating to you.

Naughty in the Nightielords


Dear Naughty

Well I can't deny that in my younger days I did flirt with the Ruinous Powers a bit, y'know I was 17k and experimenting, finding myself really. I went to a few tantric rituals, bio-engineered a few diseases, slaughtered a few thousand people with my chain axe, even spent a year working in a video arcade's change booth, but it really wasn't for me.

Still if I had to pick just one it I'd have to say I'm a Khorne man, but that shouldn't be a surprise I mean I did make all those Red Space Marines who run around screaming BLOOD FOR THE EMPEROR SKULLS FOR THE GOLDEN THRONE.

Yours in nostalgia
The Emp

PS While you were reading this your world was subjected to Exterminus.


Dear the Noble and Wise Emperor of Space:

Sire! I write to you now because of a most dire threat to the Space Universe, a spectre is haunting the Space Universe, the spectre of Heterosexuality!

As we all know women are evil succubi who want to steal our precious warrior fluids. Thus warriors must be sure only to share their warrior fluids with other warriors lest they become weak and strat driving minivans. But today incidious Heterosexuals are trying to get Heterosexuality taught in schools and even trying to legalize Different-Sex Marriage. I call on you, the noblest Emperor in all of Space to condemn these sexual deviants.

Sincerely
High Marshall Helbrecht
Black Templars Chapter
Adeptus Astres


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/15 06:44:58


Post by: Orlanth


Dear the Noble and Wise Emperor of Space:

Sire! I write to you now because of a most dire threat to the Space Universe, a spectre is haunting the Space Universe, the spectre of Heterosexuality!

As we all know women are evil succubi who want to steal our precious warrior fluids. Thus warriors must be sure only to share their warrior fluids with other warriors lest they become weak and strat driving minivans. But today incidious Heterosexuals are trying to get Heterosexuality taught in schools and even trying to legalize Different-Sex Marriage. I call on you, the noblest Emperor in all of Space to condemn these sexual deviants.

Sincerely
High Marshall Helbrecht
Black Templars Chapter
Adeptus Astres

My Dear High Marshall

I am quite touched by your ten thousand year crusade, and by curious extension - seperation from the audit office. Are you sure there are only one thousand of you? Whatever, I liked the idea of Legions myself. Anyway I digress. Next time you storm an Eldar world don't stop to drink the wine, it leads to all sort of silly ideas. Last time I tried some I got into a terrible fix. Holy Me, I had a drink, now where did my baby primarchs go! I had them a few minutes earlier, must have misplaced them somewhere while going on a stroll through the warp.

Yours omnipotently

Empy

O Master, our Space Emperor

I humbly beseech thee to ask what has happened to the Eldar. Our holy order once found marked differences between the craftworlds and we looked very important advising the Imperial Guard and Space Marines of their doctrines. Now however they all look the same to me, when you have fought one you have fought them all. And this Ulthran blighter, he gets around a lot now. We reported him as missing presumed dead at the end of the 13th Black Crusade, but now he turns up everywhere leading armies from every known craftworld.

The Imperial Tarot is informing us we can expect similar disturbances in the ruinous powers. We are a confused O Mighty One, please enlighten us.

Inquisitor Bigott, Ordo Xenos

Thought for the day: Damnable Eldar, all look the same to me.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/15 17:49:00


Post by: yakface


O Master, our Space Emperor

I humbly beseech thee to ask what has happened to the Eldar. Our holy order once found marked differences between the craftworlds and we looked very important advising the Imperial Guard and Space Marines of their doctrines. Now however they all look the same to me, when you have fought one you have fought them all. And this Ulthran blighter, he gets around a lot now. We reported him as missing presumed dead at the end of the 13th Black Crusade, but now he turns up everywhere leading armies from every known craftworld.

The Imperial Tarot is informing us we can expect similar disturbances in the ruinous powers. We are a confused O Mighty One, please enlighten us.

Inquisitor Bigott, Ordo Xenos



Dear Inquisitor Bigott,

Had consulted your Tarot as instructed, you would already know the Eldar as a race haven't been doing all that hot for the last few years. You may think their ridiculously long and complex reproduction cycle or the fact that the porn-god eat most of their race for lunch is responsible, but in reality, the confusing nature of their governmental party system is the reason behind their decline.

I mean honestly, who can remember whether the Beil-Tan party favors partial-Ork abortion or how the Ulthwe party stands on illegal Kroot immigrants? In fact, voter turn out among those Eldar living outside the infinty circut had dipped to an all-time low of 18% of those Eldar eligible to vote (i.e. non Exarch Eldar over 1,800 years old). 

To combat this problem, the Eldar have recently switched to a two-party system: a 'winner' and 'loser' party. The 'winner' party stands on a platform of dancing ravers driving around in flying 'ride-pimped' hoopties covered in distracting, flashing lights. The 'loser' party represents all the other type of Eldar.

Of course this change in policy has come far too late as we will kill them all and grind their bones into dust just as soon as we can locate the party barges they float around in. 

Oh and as for that Eldrad fellow, he is most certainly  dead. It's just that the Eldrad halloween costume is currently a top-seller.



Dear the Space Emperor,

Do psykers taste like Chicken? Do any of the thousands you eat each day ever give you gas?

Sincerely,

Adeptus Custodes Earl

 



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/15 23:54:18


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear the Space Emperor,

Do psykers taste like Chicken? Do any of the thousands you eat each day ever give you gas?

Sincerely,

Adeptus Custodes Earl



Dear Adeptus Custodes Earl,

Who cares about the taste of psykers? Such concerns are beneath me.

I want to know what will happen if Space Chickens (i.e. Kroot) eat some psykers and turn psykik. What are you doing to stop that?

You should be kicking some Kroot arse around the Tau Empire, not wasting time on stupid questions about My Imperial Space Diet.

Now get out there and start a new crusade or something.

[buuuuurp]



Teh Emporer of Space




Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Whenever I try to write a letter to you, the Machine Spirit of Speling in my word processor changes your holy name from the correct and proper form of ?Teh Space Emporer? to a debased and xenos form, ?The Space Emperor.?

Is this evidence of Chaos affecting the Machine Spirit? Should I burn the word processor immediately?

Yours truly,


A loyal scribe.





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/17 08:02:25


Post by: redstripe


Posted By Kilkrazy on 05/16/2007 4:54 AM
Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Whenever I try to write a letter to you, the Machine Spirit of Speling in my word processor changes your holy name from the correct and proper form of “Teh Space Emporer” to a debased and xenos form, “The Space Emperor.”

Is this evidence of Chaos affecting the Machine Spirit? Should I burn the word processor immediately?

Yours truly,


A loyal scribe.



Dear A loyal scribe,

There comes a moment in every faithful's life where the seed of doubt is allowed to take root.  This moment is different for everyone but always involves a choice.  That choice is whether to burn or not to burn.

If there comes a point in your life where you choose not to burn, know that you have fallen from mine holy purpose for your life.  The suggestion of heresy, mutation, or witchery is as dangerous as the genuine article.  That your word processing engine is functioning in a way contrary to what believe to be proper and righteous is reason enough to suspect chaos and to administer the only cure, cleansing fire.

Remember, ALS, if you are ever faced with that question, again, to burn or not to burn, make sure you've brought your matches.

(And yes, that you suspect your wife of cheating on you is proof enough to me that she is mutant, heretic, and witch.  Enjoy.)

Your Campfire Friend,

Teh

Your Most Holy and Omniscient Teh Space Emporer,

Our toilet paper servitor ran out of toner.  We put in a purchase order over four weeks ago but I guess it has to go out for bid to at least three different Forgeworlds for contract.  We had to go to the office across the street and borrow a toner cartridge from them.  Their cartridge didn't fit in our servitor so we emptied that catridge into an old empty cartridge and then, trying not spill any, we wedged the old cartridge into the servitor.  It works, but every time it tries to print "By order of Teh Emporer your world is Exterminatus" it prints instead "Tzeench iz Yoor Mast3R 3Mbrace Teh WindZ fo CH4nG3"

The thing is, I know they sell toner up the street at Staples.  Why can't I just run out and pick up a new toner cartridge from them?

Thanks,

Toner Blues



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/05/17 13:26:22


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Your Most Holy and Omniscient Teh Space Emporer,

Our toilet paper servitor ran out of toner. We put in a purchase order over four weeks ago but I guess it has to go out for bid to at least three different Forgeworlds for contract. We had to go to the office across the street and borrow a toner cartridge from them. Their cartridge didn't fit in our servitor so we emptied that catridge into an old empty cartridge and then, trying not spill any, we wedged the old cartridge into the servitor. It works, but every time it tries to print "By order of Teh Emporer your world is Exterminatus" it prints instead "Tzeench iz Yoor Mast3R 3Mbrace Teh WindZ fo CH4nG3"

The thing is, I know they sell toner up the street at Staples. Why can't I just run out and pick up a new toner cartridge from them?

Thanks,

Toner Blues


Dear Blues

Even my vast, nigh-omniscent mind fails to comprehend the nature of the problem.

Why, exactly, are you using the Emperor's Toner when we have so many orphans in the Scholastic Progni... Pragna... them orphan schools. Just head on over, garb the top 100 kids in penmenship and BAM! You've got some scribes.

Problem solved.

Your Benevelently
The Great and Powerful Space Emperor of Space

PS For uttering the forbidden name of Tsen- Tzee- that change Guy you are to report yourself to Execution Booth #54830-A no later than 9am tomorrow or face severe consquences.


Dear The Boss of Space

Um boss, sir, I just wanna ask a question. Y'see me and Timmy and Bobby and Joe-Bobby we're all like Ultramarine scouts and the other day the Chaplain said we had to go out and infiltrate and he gave us our wargear. Now I like totally honour the wargear of the dead and stuff (though I kind of wish they'ed washed the armor and maybe patched the big hole but hey, I'm easy) but when I asked the Chaplain how we could infiltrate with a bright blue chestplate and fire-engine red pistols he just wacked me with his big stick.

OW!

So boss, do you think maybe you could talk to him, or at least tell me what's up with the bright primary colors on scout armor.

Luv
Billy Bobby
Ultramarines 10th Company


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/09/30 07:57:32


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear Billy-Bobby,

The reason why the Chaplain makes you wear bright coloured spase armour is to stop you shooting each other by mistake while you?re hiding in cover.

If you hope to ever become a spase marien (HURR!) stop worrying about your armour colour and think about shooting aliens instead.

Happy hunting,


Teh Space Emporer.





Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Your Magnificence (x2) is the most supremest (x2) being in the galaxy.

Should not your advice column be the number one (X2) thread in this forum?

Yours in deepest (x2) humilitude,



A miserable hive drone of Nablus Prime.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/12/01 12:56:06


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Your Magnificence (x2) is the most supremest (x2) being in the galaxy.

Should not your advice column be the number one (X2) thread in this forum?

Yours in deepest (x2) humilitude,
A miserable hive drone of Nablus Prime.


Dear Miserable Drone:

True, if I had nothing better to do than sit on my a$$ all day and answer letters, yeah, maybe, but y'know I got like all of the universe to protect and stuff. And such. No time for little peons like you.

Nah, just messing with you. Truth to tell, I've been watching Rome on DVD and lost track of time. Wow those were the days huh.

Anyway next letter...
Your Buddy
Teh

Dear the highest master of Space, Teh Space Emporer,

Oh great Teh Space Emporer, I write to you today in a plea for JUSTICE.

As the fourth assistant secretary to the deputy director of the ministry of logistics for the Predicus Sector I have many responibilities. Recently I discovered that through the most minor of clerical errors a shipment of Ragnar Prime Imperial Guard Regular Grenidiers (RPIGRGs) was misfiled as Regis Pattern Imperial Guard Las Guns (RPIGLGs) and, in accordance with regulations shipped in the unpressurized hold of a Centaur Pattern freighter resulting in fatal damage to the misfiled RPIGRGs though it did save a sum in excess of one million starbucks.

Well the governor of Ragnar Prime has been most unreasonable about this. Despite the fact that the entire staff responsible was executed he still feels that I ought to recieve an official reprimand and even be forced to accept early retirment!

So great Teh Space Emporer I ask that you take a stand for justice and allow my record to be unsmirched by the governors' libal and slander.

Sincerely
Redicus Tappus
Fourth Assistant Secretary to the Deputy Director of the Ministry of Logistics for the Predicus Sector



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/12/08 13:35:22


Post by: akira5665


Dear the highest master of Space, Teh Space Emporer,

Oh great Teh Space Emporer, I write to you today in a plea for JUSTICE.

As the fourth assistant secretary to the deputy director of the ministry of logistics for the Predicus Sector I have many responibilities. Recently I discovered that through the most minor of clerical errors a shipment of Ragnar Prime Imperial Guard Regular Grenidiers (RPIGRGs) was misfiled as Regis Pattern Imperial Guard Las Guns (RPIGLGs) and, in accordance with regulations shipped in the unpressurized hold of a Centaur Pattern freighter resulting in fatal damage to the misfiled RPIGRGs though it did save a sum in excess of one million starbucks.

Well the governor of Ragnar Prime has been most unreasonable about this. Despite the fact that the entire staff responsible was executed he still feels that I ought to recieve an official reprimand and even be forced to accept early retirment!

So great Teh Space Emporer I ask that you take a stand for justice and allow my record to be unsmirched by the governors' libal and slander.

Sincerely
Redicus Tappus
Fourth Assistant Secretary to the Deputy Director of the Ministry of Logistics for the Predicus Sector


Minion of mine...

Do not seek to question the holy munificence of my superior underlings!!!!! The Govenor of Ragnar Prime is my second cousin twice removed from my third great Aunt who had relations with a distant relative from Axiom Prime in the Incestus sector.

Liquidators are on the way to your fourth Uncle's place, twice removed.

Dear Shining One, bringer of light to all those of pure blood and mind..

How do I stop my cake from falling? I tell the kids to stop stamping around the house, but what else can I do? It seems whenever the Inquisition comes calling, all I have in the Compati-Drawer is plain buscuits.!!!

It makes for a painful session, and they always say"We'll be back when you least expect it!!"

Yours in expectation, Magneus Calgar.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/12/08 21:45:15


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear Shining One, bringer of light to all those of pure blood and mind..

How do I stop my cake from falling? I tell the kids to stop stamping around the house, but what else can I do? It seems whenever the Inquisition comes calling, all I have in the Compati-Drawer is plain buscuits.!!!

It makes for a painful session, and they always say"We'll be back when you least expect it!!"

Yours in expectation, Magneus Calgar.





Dear Magneus,

I can call you Magneus, can’t I? Of course I can, I rule the galaxy.

You cannot prevent your cake from falling. Why does your cake fall? Because all things fall.

Except me, obviously.

Do not despair, though. To despair is to grant victory to the forces of Chaos. There is a ray of hope in your dilemma.

One day, when you least expect it, the Inquisition shall return – with a Comfy Chair! Thus your righteous sufferings shall be eased and your devotion rewarded.

Until that hopeful day, let Anusol be your watchword.

All the best,


Teh King Of All Cosmos.




Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Which is the worst? Space Elfs or Space Orcs or Space Commies or Space Vampires or Space Zombies? If you were surrounded by one of each of them, and you only had 4 bullets left, what would you do?

Please answer quickly because I am in a bit of a hurry to know, saving your Cosmicness's honour.

Yours in a trench, surrounded by various Space Aliens,


Cadian Cadet.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/12/09 01:49:37


Post by: akira5665



Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Which is the worst? Space Elfs or Space Orcs or Space Commies or Space Vampires or Space Zombies? If you were surrounded by one of each of them, and you only had 4 bullets left, what would you do?

Please answer quickly because I am in a bit of a hurry to know, saving your Cosmicness's honour.

Yours in a trench, surrounded by various Space Aliens,


Cadian Cadet.


Dear Cadian Cadet,

I am surprised by your lack of faith! The correct sequence is...Shoot the Eldar first, that's a given, then the Ork. Now, let the Zombie bite you, then blow him/her/it away. (Blessed be the bringers of the Emporers Justice) Now you are too a Zombie.
One for the Vampire. (see att. from Ordo Xenos on placement)
One for Commie. ( I did not know they made it this far!!)
And the last one for yourself, to purify totally in my name.

Cleanse and purify,
Be Pure
Be Vigilant
Behave!
Yours Truly,

Mr Big Golden Pants


Dear Emporer of Mankind,
We here, in the Primadonnis sector, were wondering-Whats up with the Flares on your Space Marines? They are sop passe.

Well anyway, me and some of the Ladz have come up with a few ideas, and were wondering if we came over for a Tea-party? We will bring some of Guks 'Pumpkin Scones', made from shredded Sqigs!

Yours Truly,
Warmaster Groobleshpank, Ork Warboss of "Pretty Boyz"




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2007/12/26 22:23:11


Post by: Fizzywig


Dear Warmaster Groobleshpank. : The Flares are NOT Passe, they are as it is written in the Imperial Fashion Codex. and are hence fashionable for now and evermore.

as to your offer of a tea party, We must decline the emperor of mankind prefers coffee

your truly
-The Space Emporor

Dear Fleshbag.

Im in your base Kiling all of your mans!!

-The Hive Fleets


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/01/02 12:57:46


Post by: akira5665


Dear Fleshbag.

Im in your base Kiling all of your mans!!

-The Hive Fleets

Dear Insect.

Using my all-powerful, all-seeing eye, I have implanted a false memory of this in your puny 'Hive Mind". It never happened. You went to Disneyland instead.

Condolences to Citizen Mickey's Family.


Dear Teh Space Master,
How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Just wondering,
Eisenhorn.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/01/05 07:24:25


Post by: Fizzywig


Dear Eisenhorn.

You have reached high enough clearance to know the answer. It is simply that a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. repeating however this valuable information is a heresy against the imperium.

In his resplendent glory,
The Space Emperor


Dear Space Emperor!

Why do you hate us so? i mean everyone in the fantasy world loves dwarfs but you guys out here in space wont even give us squats a second thought? Its almost enough to make a dwarf want to grow dreadlocks and wear a big hat! we just want some love.

Your friends.
The Squats.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/01/06 14:51:44


Post by: Stormtrooper X


Dear Space Emperor!

Why do you hate us so? i mean everyone in the fantasy world loves dwarfs but you guys out here in space wont even give us squats a second thought? Its almost enough to make a dwarf want to grow dreadlocks and wear a big hat! we just want some love.

Your friends.
The Squats.


Dear Squats.

Squats... Nope, never heard of em.

Forever holding down minorities and mutants,
Teh Space Emperor.


Dear Spaceman.

Since yur like a God and all man, can you like heat up a microwavable burrito so hot that even you like can't eat it?

Still trying to smoke a FW model,
The Resinator.








Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/01/07 04:51:07


Post by: akira5665



Dear Spaceman.

Since yur like a God and all man, can you like heat up a microwavable burrito so hot that even you like can't eat it?

Still trying to smoke a FW model,
The Resinator.

Dear Resinator,
A good question, for sure. Hopw hot is the internal heat of a Burrito after being micrwaved for @ leats 10 mins........1000,000,000 degrees. I can heat it without the use of a microwave...I just glare at it for about 2 mins for the same result. Same goes for Subway sandwiches.

Dear Teh Space Emporer,
If there are SOB's, DA's, IG, SM (& SAFH) MEQ's, CSM's, FZORGLE etc- how many acronyms do you really think there are? IMHO many, but YMMV.

Thanks in advance-A real SOB.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/01/07 10:57:01


Post by: Anung Un Rama


sorry, for the off-topic, but I have to ask:

how did you guys came up with FZORGLE????


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/01/07 14:13:40


Post by: Kilkrazy



sorry, for the off-topic, but I have to ask:

how did you guys came up with FZORGLE????


Dear Anung Un Rama,

There are no OT questions for Teh Space Emporer, since I am omniscient and the puniest concerns of my meanest subjects are within my purview.

I will be happy to answer your question and have referred it to the Adeptes Acronymus for a detailed explanation.

Assuming the information is not secret, in which case you will have to be terminated after learning it, the answer will be forthcoming in a mere few centuries, thanks to the speed of our superb galactic bureaucracy. Or sooner if something goes wrong.

Yours,

Teh Emporer of Space




Dear Galactic Overlord,

What do you advise me to take as my New Year resolution?

Thank you in advance,


Hive City Harry


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/01/08 00:06:22


Post by: akira5665


Dear Galactic Overlord,

What do you advise me to take as my New Year resolution?

Thank you in advance,


Hive City Harry


Dear Harry,
Lose weight, give up smoking/drink less/party less/avoid staff Christmas parties/pray to me/report mutation/report Xenos/report psykers.

That about sums it up.

Dear the Empie of Emptiness,
My moderati just can't seem to get along. Every chance they get, they argue about "It's my turn to shoot" or " It's your fault the Void Shields didn't refres" etc etc.

Should I add more fibre to thier diet? Or a 9mm headache tablet?

Yours in supplication, Princeps Droop.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/01/18 13:04:36


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear the Empie of Emptiness,
My moderati just can't seem to get along. Every chance they get, they argue about "It's my turn to shoot" or " It's your fault the Void Shields didn't refres" etc etc.

Should I add more fibre to thier diet? Or a 9mm headache tablet?

Yours in supplication, Princeps Droop.


My good friend God-Machine operator Droop,

I too once had problems with disorderly subordinates and found a novel solution. I allowed them to make pacts with the dark gods, rise in rebellion, lay seige to Holy Terra itself and finally face me one-on-one in single combat to determine the fate of humanity which ended in the death of the subordinate and my own crippling imrisonment on the golden throne.

I think this answers your questions.

Your pal
E

Dear Master O'Mankind,

I've been married for 20 years and we've had our ups and downs but I've finally realized it's time to end things. Would you recommend I get a divorce or make a deal with Mephisto to erase all memory of my marriage forever and ever?

P Parker on Quesada's World


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/02/03 23:31:26


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear Master O'Mankind,

I've been married for 20 years and we've had our ups and downs but I've finally realized it's time to end things. Would you recommend I get a divorce or make a deal with Mephisto to erase all memory of my marriage forever and ever?

P Parker on Quesada's World




Dear P Parker,

The Mephisto option is best because it avoids alimony, but you need to get it done the other way round.

Much better to erase your wife's memory of the marriage and keep yours intact as a warning and watchword for the future.

Words of wisdom from the Golden Throne!



Dear Teh Space Emporer,

As one of the loyal servitors in the Ultramarines motor pool, I have faithfully maintained the Chapter's holy Land Raiders for many years.

Recently, some of the Marienz have been coming to me rumouring about something called 5th edition. I do not pretend to understand such advanced military knowledge, but it seems the Raiders will be wanted more often, which gladdens my heart. The Marienz have been asking for me to pimp their Raiders, and turn them into "low riders" ( they said it's to help with hiding behind cover.)

Holy Emporer, I know the design of the Land Raider was ordained and laid down many centuries ago and should not ever be altered by a lowly mechanic. Against that, those Marienz are big boys. I wouldn't want to be taken off for one of their "special punishment details" if they get the wrong idea about my horny hands and greased up body.

Please help my dilemma by recommending a suitable variety of bling!

Yours in abject wonder,



Monkey Wrench Mike


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/02/04 01:37:13


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


(Geeze, we've been on this page for almost a year, gotta rack up some posts here.)

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

As one of the loyal servitors in the Ultramarines motor pool, I have faithfully maintained the Chapter's holy Land Raiders for many years.

Recently, some of the Marienz have been coming to me rumouring about something called 5th edition. I do not pretend to understand such advanced military knowledge, but it seems the Raiders will be wanted more often, which gladdens my heart. The Marienz have been asking for me to pimp their Raiders, and turn them into "low riders" ( they said it's to help with hiding behind cover.)

Holy Emporer, I know the design of the Land Raider was ordained and laid down many centuries ago and should not ever be altered by a lowly mechanic. Against that, those Marienz are big boys. I wouldn't want to be taken off for one of their "special punishment details" if they get the wrong idea about my horny hands and greased up body.

Please help my dilemma by recommending a suitable variety of bling!

Yours in abject wonder,
Monkey Wrench Mike

Dear wreched servitor barely worthy of my time,

Thank you for bringing these scandelous rumors to my attention.

As many of you know, from time to time I am forced to use my omnipotent might to reorder the natural laws of the space universe. For example preventing people from shooting while someone else is moving (that's just rude!) or from charging out of a moving rhino (you might hit your head).

Since these decisions are guided my omniscence my decisions are of course, perfect. As of now, the rules of the Space Universe are perfect. Completely and utterly perfect. Without flaw. Therefore further changes are not needed.

I have spoken.

Until I speak again.

Yours truely
Your omnipotent God Emporer Teh


Dear Teh Big Guy:

As you know the Yar of the Incontinent Hog is drawing to a close and the Year of the Filthy Diseased Plague Rat is dawning. Like all loyal citizens I am celebrating by not cleaning my house since I might accidentally sweep the luck out.

This will also mark the 10,000th year of the War on Chaos. During this time the Chaos Alert Level has varied from Blood Angel Red to Blood Soaked Crimson to Flaming Inferno, never dropping to the 'safe' levels of Juandice Yellow or Grot Green. Does this mean we are losing the War on Chaos?

Yours
Big Wang


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/02/07 17:59:59


Post by: oomiestompa


Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear Teh Big Guy:

As you know the Yar of the Incontinent Hog is drawing to a close and the Year of the Filthy Diseased Plague Rat is dawning. Like all loyal citizens I am celebrating by not cleaning my house since I might accidentally sweep the luck out.

This will also mark the 10,000th year of the War on Chaos. During this time the Chaos Alert Level has varied from Blood Angel Red to Blood Soaked Crimson to Flaming Inferno, never dropping to the 'safe' levels of Juandice Yellow or Grot Green. Does this mean we are losing the War on Chaos?

Yours
Big Wang


Dear Big Wang *chortle*,

One of the first things they teach you in Deity School is not to give your worshippers the answers directly. You have to lead them to the correct conclusion. With that in mind, I'm sending you and friend on an extended vacation to the fabulous Eye of Terror! You'll fly coach on Air Imperialis Space Lines and you'll stay at...well, it doesn't matter where you stay; you'll be eaten by foul daemons before you can find a hotel.

Thanks for playing!
TSE


Dear Spacie McEmporer,

I'm writing to make you aware of a fantastic deal. AstroTelepathica & Transwarpcomms is now offering half off of all monthly plans*. Switch today and save!

AT&T

*Offer valid until 001M.42. Savings only applies to first telewarp call made. Other restrictions may apply. See your local AT&T representative for details.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/02/13 09:55:08


Post by: Miguelsan


Dear AT&T telemarketer,

My telepathic needs are faithfully covered my minions at the Empath Bureau, but I have a friend that it´s very interested in changing plans.
Please call 1-800-T Z E E N C H I´m sure he´ll love hearing from you.

Yours Truly.

Spacie McEmporer



Dear Emperor,

Dad has joined a new club and dyed his clothes pink. Now he wants me and mommy to join his blasphemous excess in his Bring-a-sacrifice Day. Should I worry and run away as my friend timmy says or obey my parents like a good girl?

Sleepless in Cadia


M.




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/02/14 14:32:16


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Miguelsan wrote:

Dear Emperor,

Dad has joined a new club and dyed his clothes pink. Now he wants me and mommy to join his blasphemous excess in his Bring-a-sacrifice Day. Should I worry and run away as my friend timmy says or obey my parents like a good girl?

Sleepless in Cadia


M.


Dear Sleepless

There is a very simple rule I follow when assessing cults

Skull is smooth, get in the groove
Skull has spikes, YIKES!

So carefully watch the skulls this cult uses, if they are smooth or have feathered wings, just go along with what they say.
But if their skulls have horns or bat wings call your local Inquisitor.

Your Pal
Emporer O'Mankind

[b]Dear Great Space Emperor Teh Space Emporer:

I'm about to graduate middle school and am trying to choose a career.

I kind of like Hive Ganging, I already have a bandana and jean jacket, but I hear no one does it anymore.
I was also thinking of getting me arms lopped off and replaced with giant drill bits but I get claustraphobic and I wet my bed.
The Imperial Fists approached me to become a scout cause I'm real (x2) good with Legos but my buddy Phil says they wanna chop off my 'nads.
So now I'm thinking of the Imperial Guard cause they get super cool gear like flak vests and las guns.

What do you recommend?
All Grown Up


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/02/15 16:43:39


Post by: oomiestompa


Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear Great Space Emperor Teh Space Emporer:

I'm about to graduate middle school and am trying to choose a career.

I kind of like Hive Ganging, I already have a bandana and jean jacket, but I hear no one does it anymore.
I was also thinking of getting me arms lopped off and replaced with giant drill bits but I get claustraphobic and I wet my bed.
The Imperial Fists approached me to become a scout cause I'm real (x2) good with Legos but my buddy Phil says they wanna chop off my 'nads.
So now I'm thinking of the Imperial Guard cause they get super cool gear like flak vests and las guns.

What do you recommend?
All Grown Up


Dear AGU,

What am I? Teh Space Guidance Counselor? For wasting my time with a stupid (x2) question, you're going to become a Flying Skull. Have fun with that.

DJ Space Emporer

Dear Space Emporer,

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman? The paperboy? Even TV?

Loyally Yours,
Danny T.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/03/28 14:58:25


Post by: Two Daemons in a Bar


Dear Space Emporer,

Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman? The paperboy? Even TV?

Loyally Yours,
Danny T.

Well, Danny
In accordance with the Imperial Board of Efficiency and Management (long since disbanded for reasons of efficiency and management) Alpha-369189328, all predictability is Heresy. And of course, your average paperboy and milkman are psykers. And i need entertainment. So the fate of all these is quite simple. I consumed the milkmen and paperboys, and confiscated the TV's for own use. Now remember, doubting the order of MY universe (x2) is heresy. Please report to Ecclesiarchal Detail Omega-13131313 for shipment to Terra before 9. am or risk execution slightly before sundown delayed by the local riot of Slaanesh worshippers.

Teh Space Emporer.



Dear Teh Space Emporer,
Okay, so you eat like what, one thousand souls a day right? That's like, well, a lot, of dead guys each day. That's gluttony. Thats kinda excessive. Ever thought of converting to Chaos (again?)

Disloyally Yours,
Totally not your biggest fan, Slaanesh


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/03/28 15:34:46


Post by: Flachzange


Dear Teh Space Emporer,
Okay, so you eat like what, one thousand souls a day right? That's like, well, a lot, of dead guys each day. That's gluttony. Thats kinda excessive. Ever thought of converting to Chaos (again?)

Disloyally Yours,
Totally not your biggest fan, Slaanesh



Madame Slaanésh,

Clearly you must know, you eat what you are, and i am all that is man.

After having your ass googled by the departmento of the eternal cult of the most holy inter-net-of-webways, i received news that you yourself pride yourself with gluttony.
Being a collector of over a billion nipples now are we?

Excessive is such an elastic word anyways.

Totally donating his nips to your excessive collection
From the E. to the M. to the P.




Dear Teh Emperor,

whos a good boy?

Your mommy


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/03/28 15:35:10


Post by: Flachzange


double post sorry.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/03/29 16:30:08


Post by: Shaman


Dear Mommy

I am a good boy. Thanx Mommy.



Dear Emp of the Spaceness

Whatever happenened to the doom rider of doom? I always wanted to have a ride.

Lucius the eternal


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/03/29 17:08:34


Post by: KiMonarrez


Dear Emp of the Spaceness

Whatever happenened to the doom rider of doom? I always wanted to have a ride.

Lucius the eternal





Dear Lucius,

Doom rider met his demise as he didn't follow my decree and never wore his space helmet. Yes, his flaming red hair looked great, but statistics caught up with him when he went around Dead Man's Curve and wound up splattered upon one of The Emperor's Sacred Conifers.

Remember, always wear your helmet.






Dear The Space Emperor,

My father and I don't get along. Ever since I tried to warn him about that back stabbing older brother of mine, and he sent my other brother (the one who's always bullied me) to kill me, we just don't get along. What should I do?

Miserable Magnus in the Warp.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/03/30 03:49:17


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


KiMonarrez wrote:Dear The Space Emperor,

My father and I don't get along. Ever since I tried to warn him about that back stabbing older brother of mine, and he sent my other brother (the one who's always bullied me) to kill me, we just don't get along. What should I do?

Miserable Magnus in the Warp.


Dear Magnus:

Well maybe if you had picked up an Emperor-Dmaned phone instead of using that sorcerery BS, that I told you a thousand times not to use cause yeah an army with 2 wounds does have a lot going for them but the rice just isn't worth it, then maybe I wouldn't have had to send my loyal but dumb as a brick son to knock some sense into you and of course it would have been a moot point if maybe you'd actutally taken your nose out of a book once in a while and gone to the gym you might have taken old Hairy-McRussalot instead of getting spanked like a little girl and going off running to the Nose of Horror.

Moral - Sorcery sucks.

EMP OUT!

Dear President McSpaceEmperor:

I am writing to warn you about one of the looming disasters of our time. In the last 5000 years Space Emissions have risen 40,000% causing the phenomia known as Galactic Warming.

Already temperatures across space have risen from 0 Kelvin to 0.0001 Kelvin.

At this rate we are in danger of seeing Saturn's Rings or Hally's Comet melt with disasterous consquences.

I call on you to sign the Spaceoto Pact to limit emmissions.

If we fit catalitic converters to our ships we can reduce the emissions on an Emperor-Class star ship from 1 gazillion tons to 1 bazillion tons!

Sincerely
The Frozen Head of Al Gore


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/03/30 15:59:08


Post by: Stormtrooper X


Dear President McSpaceEmperor:

I am writing to warn you about one of the looming disasters of our time. In the last 5000 years Space Emissions have risen 40,000% causing the phenomia known as Galactic Warming.

Already temperatures across space have risen from 0 Kelvin to 0.0001 Kelvin.

At this rate we are in danger of seeing Saturn's Rings or Hally's Comet melt with disasterous consquences.

I call on you to sign the Spaceoto Pact to limit emmissions.

If we fit catalitic converters to our ships we can reduce the emissions on an Emperor-Class star ship from 1 gazillion tons to 1 bazillion tons!

Sincerely
The Frozen Head of Al Gore


Dear Liberal Icecube,
You've been listening to those communist liberal Tau entirely too much. Their technology is neither more advanced or superior to ours. The reason their hovering trash cans get better gas mileage than our impervious Land Raider is because they don't use Promethium, instead they fuel their monstrosities with the tears and dying cries of children. And do not be lured to the "Greater Good" because of their free health care system! It's all a terrible lie! So carry on my cryogenically frozen tree huger and put the proverbial pedal to the metal. Burn the fuels and the heretics!

Forever yours,
Teh Space Goddzorz



Dear Guy who's name we don't really know,

When you have a birthday do you put 40,000+ candles on your cake or do you just put one big one? And since you're like in a pickle jar do you blow them out or do you have Rogal Dorn do that for you too?

Yay Imperium,
B-day Boy from Cadia


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/03/31 23:49:23


Post by: Shaman


Fool! my name is Teh God Emperor of SPAAACE. To your question... I put the 40,1234ONE!! candles on because well I likey watching minions do (40,000X) pointless tasks rofl. Speaking of minions rogal dorn is my foot rest right now! *kick*

I dont need to blow dem out fool. I iz a SPAAACE God. we can do all sorts of magic trix. Like today Im having a Tea party with the Nightbringer, he likes eating things too, we have soo much in common... *sigh*

Birthday boy of the SPACE


+++


Mister Emperor sir

Why is a death certificate in the front of my uplifting primer? it's not very uplifting. It's actually the opposite, do you hate the guard?

Guardsman Tuk


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/04/01 19:02:33


Post by: Gitzbitah


Shaman wrote:
Mister Emperor sir

Why is a death certificate in the front of my uplifting primer? it's not very uplifting. It's actually the opposite, do you hate the guard?

Guardsman Tuk


Dear Guardsman Tom, Tim, or whatever your name was,

I don't hate the guard, nor do I put those primers in everyone's books. That primer was sent to you and you alone. I suggest you flip it over, and wear it over your T-shirt/flak armor. The red concentric circles will allow me to focus my psychic might into protecting you, as long as you keep a healthy distance from your officer. Please write back to let me know how it turns out.

Sincerely, t3h spaze Emporer




+++

Dear Emporer of Space,

We surrender, and apologize sincerely for our rebellion. Please accept this basket of decorative psykers as a token of our contrition. Will you take us back?


Regretfully yours,
The Gods of Chaos

P.S. April's Fools! In your face, False Emperor!


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/04/03 15:28:16


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Emporer of Space,

We surrender, and apologize sincerely for our rebellion. Please accept this basket of decorative psykers as a token of our contrition. Will you take us back?


Regretfully yours,
The Gods of Chaos

P.S. April's Fools! In your face, False Emperor


D'oh!

Cuss you April Fool's Day! Not since the time I sent my space fortune to that Nigerian minister have I been gotten so muchly.
I'll get you next year! (Prepares holy whoopie cushion of antioch)

TSE

Dear Teh,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and I like him and stuff but the fire has gone out of the relationship. I've been thinking of seeing other guys but I'm terrified of going back out in the dating scene.

What should I do?

Sarah from Sirius



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/04/04 03:30:14


Post by: KiMonarrez


Dear Teh,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and I like him and stuff but the fire has gone out of the relationship. I've been thinking of seeing other guys but I'm terrified of going back out in the dating scene.

What should I do?

Sarah from Sirius


Dear Sarah,

Are you familiar with the "Daughters of the Emperor" social program? I've been thinking of bringing it back, as it's been a few millenia since that whole "Vandire" thing (messy business, that). Anywho, give the local arbites a call, I'll see your boyfriend is "taken care of", come to Holy Terra, I'll talk to the Praetorians, and we'll see what we can see.

Oh, and bring any other nubile friends you may have.


(slaanesh never had it so good)




Dear The Space Emprer,

I find that I have feelings for my best friend, but I just can't talk to her about it. She also is dating this jerk. What should I do?

Confused Karen


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/04/08 13:43:32


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear The Space Emprer,

I find that I have feelings for my best friend, but I just can't talk to her about it. She also is dating this jerk. What should I do?

Confused Karen


Dear Karen,

My Emporer Wisdom tells me that many girls your age have similar feelings towards other women and that the healtiest thing to do is to give in to them, get a bottle of wine, some 'toys' and share your feelings with your friend.

Say around 8, Saturday night. And make sure you're in front of your Icon of the Emporer.

Looking forward to seeing you
Emp

[i]Dear Teh Space Emporer

My boyfriend Tim has had problems with alchol in the past but promised to stop drinking when he moved in. But some nights when he comes home from work I can smell the alchol on his breath. He denies it of course.
What should I do?

Sleepless on Saturn


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/04/08 23:46:04


Post by: Viperion


Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear Teh Space Emporer

My boyfriend Tim has had problems with alchol in the past but promised to stop drinking when he moved in. But some nights when he comes home from work I can smell the alchol on his breath. He denies it of course.
What should I do?

Sleepless on Saturn

Greetingsss, Sleeplessss,

Your boyfriend isss a ssshining exxxample and ssshould be commended for hisss deviousss waysss. Join with him in hisss bingesss, and give yoursself up to the beassst within.

N. Ottadaemon
pp Teh Spaze Emporor



Dear Sir,

I write to you on behalf of one M. Calgar, my client. He has employed me in regards to a wager involving himself, one R. Guilliman and yourself in which you allegedly bet, and I quote "my left nut and all the money in the Universe" that he would not survive the battle on MacGragge against Hive Fleet Perseus in 976.M41. As you can plainly see, my client is very much alive, and would like what's coming to him.

Yours etc.

Slimy McLawyerson
McLawyerson, Shafter and Boned, Attornies at Law


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/04/11 06:48:58


Post by: Shaman


Dear Sir,

I write to you on behalf of one M. Calgar, my client. He has employed me in regards to a wager involving himself, one R. Guilliman and yourself in which you allegedly bet, and I quote "my left nut and all the money in the Universe" that he would not survive the battle on MacGragge against Hive Fleet Perseus in 976.M41. As you can plainly see, my client is very much alive, and would like what's coming to him.

Yours etc.

Slimy McLawyerson
McLawyerson, Shafter and Boned, Attornies at Law


You address me as master, lord or Teh, not sir, you little mutant! Calgar as usual misses the point.. who do you think saved him in that battle, it sure wasn't him. It was me! The fact that anyone is breathing is because of me, you'd do well to remember that.

However Smurfy the primarch will no doubt complain from statis if I dont give Calgar someones nut, so I volunteer yours, to refuse is hersery.

Good day


+++++

Dear Teh Space Emp

I represent a show called SpaceMTV cribs and we waz wondering if we could do a show about your palace... it would be cool.

Very Cool (yes it's my real name shutup!)


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/04/11 18:43:30


Post by: oomiestompa



Dear Teh Space Emp

I represent a show called SpaceMTV cribs and we waz wondering if we could do a show about your palace... it would be cool.

Very Cool (yes it's my real name shutup!)


Dear Francis,

Let me start off by saying "I like the show you represent." I like the show you represent. I watch it frequently on my 200" flat screen 1080p (x2) LCD HDTV as I am strapped to a chair and have nothing else to do. It also allows me to keep tabs on those doing work in my name. The Crimson Fists episode is my favorite. "And here's the Armory. It's where we keep all of our high powered explo-" Hilarious!

Unfortunately, I have to deny your request. I wouldn't be able to show you around and the only cool stuff around here is my chair. It's got a Psyker Soul Intake so I never have to get out of the chair (which is good, because I can't), a pair joysticks hardwired in so I can play Starcraft (I love alternate history games), and a refridgerator for my bottles of Cristal. So no tour of my pad for you. Sorry to disappoint, Francis.

THE SPAAAAAAAAACE EMPORERRRRRRRRRR

Dear Mr. Emporer,

It has come to our attention that you rented some videos from us a while back and never returned them. The videos in question are "Starship Troopers 2", "Rear Window", and "Somewhere Under the Rainbow." If you return these videos immediately and pay 5,000,000 Space Bucks, we won't go to the press about your Squat pornography fetish.

Have a nice day,

Blockbuster Entertainment


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/04/12 06:23:28


Post by: Miguelsan


Dear Mr. Emporer,

It has come to our attention that you rented some videos from us a while back and never returned them. The videos in question are "Starship Troopers 2", "Rear Window", and "Somewhere Under the Rainbow." If you return these videos immediately and pay 5,000,000 Space Bucks, we won't go to the press about your Squat pornography fetish.

Have a nice day,

Blockbuster Entertainment


Dear buster,

Squat, squat? what´s a squat.... I ate them all last ed. Muawhawhawhawhawhawhawhaw...cough! cough!.
Sorry! I got carried away. I don´t have those videos, Horus got them as part of the divorce settlement, please refer to his clones inside the Eye of Terror for further information.

The Sp. Emp.

PS: I´m still waiting for the release of the video "The Ulthawe XXX Council secret tapes"


Dear Daddy,

Are we there yet? I´m tired and lil bro here needs to go pee badly. How much until we arrive? Can we stop at the next McEmpire.

The 2 lost primarchs on a quest.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/05/06 15:25:49


Post by: GuyWithHorns


Dear Daddy,

Are we there yet? I´m tired and lil bro here needs to go pee badly. How much until we arrive? Can we stop at the next McEmpire.

The 2 lost primarchs on a quest.

Dear The 2 Lost Primarchs on a Quest,

I swear if I hear anymore complaining out of the two of you I'll turn your warp vessel around, and feed the both of into my Golden Couch!

Teh Space Emporer


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

I recently told the saga of the epic battle of Russ and Magnus to the Blood Claws, and frankly they've been looking at me differently. It's wierd I can't think of anything wrong with the battle of our Primarch with a big red one-eyed cyclops. I need some guidance.

Sincerely, Ragnar Blackmane



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/06/11 06:43:55


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

I recently told the saga of the epic battle of Russ and Magnus to the Blood Claws, and frankly they've been looking at me differently. It's wierd I can't think of anything wrong with the battle of our Primarch with a big red one-eyed cyclops. I need some guidance.

Sincerely, Ragnar Blackmane


Dear Ragnar:

I know the feeling, just the other day I was describing the time Lionel and I were back to back, our bolters ejaculating white hot death into the faces of our foes and all the Astropaths were like "Whoa TMI!"

I think these kids today have no discipline. I would recommend you take the Blood Claws down to the icey rivers of Fenris for a few rounds of naked water polo with the Long Fangs. That should learn them some respect.

Yours in me
Me

Dear the Spase Emporer

My boyfriend is always working! Last night we were having a romantic dinner and first he shows up an hour late, then he takes two calls during dinner and finally he says he has to leave and go back to the office!

I mean I hardly see him as it is and even when I see him he's half at work, what can I do?

Divided Loyalties on Dantueen


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/06/16 20:24:52


Post by: mattyboy22


Dear the Spase Emporer

My boyfriend is always working! Last night we were having a romantic dinner and first he shows up an hour late, then he takes two calls during dinner and finally he says he has to leave and go back to the office!

I mean I hardly see him as it is and even when I see him he's half at work, what can I do?

Divided Loyalties on Dantueen


Dear Divided:

Cleary you do not respect this boyfriend of yours. I am constantly called away from my romantic rendezvous...um, meetings with sevreal able bodied strapping young neyophites to smite my enemies. Obviuosly your boyfriend is doing the same, destroying the evil in the galaxy is a never ending job, leave him alone and have dinner ready for when he returns! Perhaps he and I could smite together sometime....

Dear the Spase Emporer,

Why do I always see Space Marines running around without helmets on? Not only does it protect them from the environment that they are fighting in, but they are just asking to be shot in the head! Don't you think they should be wearing them at all times during a battle?

Confused and Helmeted on Terra




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/07/05 22:26:45


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear the Spase Emporer,

Why do I always see Space Marines running around without helmets on? Not only does it protect them from the environment that they are fighting in, but they are just asking to be shot in the head! Don't you think they should be wearing them at all times during a battle?

Confused and Helmeted on Terra



Dear Confused and Helmeted,


This question admits of a very simple explanation.

Spase Mariens (Hurrr!) are the poster boys of the Imperium. Their numbers must constantly be renewed. Only continuous recruitment of the right kind of young man can fulfill the Spase Marienz needs. The kind of boy who is attracted by the beauteous manly visage of a Spase Marien whose mighty weapon is rigid in his fist as he prepares to spew white hot plasma and ravage the bodies of aliens and heretics with his beefy bayonet.

Obviously this is why a number of the men have their purple helmets retracted in any picture you may see. It is a simple matter of presenting the right image for recruitment posters.

I know how comforting a snug helmet can feel but you do not need it. You will no doubt experience more union with your battle brothers if you go without.

Simply grasp your helmet firmly, and gently manipulate it with one hand or the other, or both, until you feel it come off smoothly. Your brother Mariens will help you if you have any problems.

I hope my meaning is clear.

The Spase Emporer



Dear Emporer of Spase,

Recently I have been wondering why Spase Zombiez are made of metal. They should be made of dead Spase People like proper zombies. It’s not like there aren’t plenty of dead people around cos in your infinite wisdom and wars you are making them as quickly as possible.

Is this a disguised commentary on the state of Imperial Spase Society?

Yours in hope, Georgio Romerio.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/07/06 09:52:32


Post by: 1hadhq











Dear Emporer of Spase,

Recently I have been wondering why Spase Zombiez are made of metal. They should be made of dead Spase People like proper zombies. It’s not like there aren’t plenty of dead people around cos in your infinite wisdom and wars you are making them as quickly as possible.

Is this a disguised commentary on the state of Imperial Spase Society?

Yours in hope, Georgio Romerio.



Dear hoping romerio,

Its my pleasure to ensure there are enough materials to create spase zombiez.The great task of dead spase people is not easy to fulfill and my sons didn't help me as they should!
The metal things you have seen are spase skeletons not spase zombiez,don't mix that!
All of the zombiez got used to work at my administratum and i'm happy to task you of a pilgrimage to Intra primaris,
cloister 104,cell 3728 for further castigation...ahem explanation I mean.
As its common, there is no disguise of imperial spase society, theres only my Imperial truth.

Teh spase emporer


beloved father,

my brethren and I got always laughed at,people don't understand why its necessary to wear feathers and robes.
We tried to combine this with black and it won't do well,changed to green and also noone applauds.

What can we do to be accepted like others in our apperance?

Your son, Azrael




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/07/11 15:08:44


Post by: Orlanth


beloved father,

my brethren and I got always laughed at,people don't understand why its necessary to wear feathers and robes.
We tried to combine this with black and it won't do well,changed to green and also noone applauds.

What can we do to be accepted like others in our apperance?

Your son, Azrael

Azrael, my dear son,

All your brethren need to do to be accepted is to find some playmates and invite them back to The Rock to stay. I hear you have plenty of room for visitors accommodation already. Soon once you have invited around everyone who used to wear feathers and robes you can start on the other people who have not.

have fun now

Teh Space Emporer


Dear the Space Emporer

I was driving along smiting orks in your holy name all bolters firing when suddenly our fire control was hit by the fifth edition bug. Which is silly really because our Leman Russ has no machine spirit.
So Right Sponson Gunner Andy fires his heavy bolter at the orks, but it was Front Gunner Micky's turn to smite them, and Left Sponson Gunner Tim cannot be fired because its not his turn yet. However my cupola heavy stubber is still working, but the twin linked autocannon cannot fire either.
I am confused.

Who has the right to smite?

Let Down in a Leman Russ




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/07/23 16:44:48


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear the Space Emporer

I was driving along smiting orks in your holy name all bolters firing when suddenly our fire control was hit by the fifth edition bug. Which is silly really because our Leman Russ has no machine spirit.
So Right Sponson Gunner Andy fires his heavy bolter at the orks, but it was Front Gunner Micky's turn to smite them, and Left Sponson Gunner Tim cannot be fired because its not his turn yet. However my cupola heavy stubber is still working, but the twin linked autocannon cannot fire either.
I am confused.

Who has the right to smite?

Let Down in a Leman Russ



It is the dawning of the fifth age of mankind, all that was is not and all that is was not!

Embrace change for my infallible wisdom has created the one true perfected set of rules.

For at least 3 more years.

Cheers!
TSE

Dear the Space Emperor of Space

I have a big problem, I'm getting teased. A lot. I'm a scout with the Imperial Fist (go Dorn!) and the night I joined I was so (x2) sad that I wet my bunk.

Ever since then the other scouts have been calling me a 'HETERO' and I complained to the Chaplain and he just hit me with that big stick of his and called me a sissy little girl lover!

But I'm not a hetero! It's not my fault I wet the bunk! What can I do to make them stop?

Sincerely
Whinus Maximus



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/07/26 16:38:01


Post by: Orlanth


Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the Space Emperor of Space

I have a big problem, I'm getting teased. A lot. I'm a scout with the Imperial Fist (go Dorn!) and the night I joined I was so (x2) sad that I wet my bunk.

Ever since then the other scouts have been calling me a 'HETERO' and I complained to the Chaplain and he just hit me with that big stick of his and called me a sissy little girl lover!

But I'm not a hetero! It's not my fault I wet the bunk! What can I do to make them stop?

Sincerely
Whinus Maximus



Dear Whinus

I suggest you cutely ask your 10th company captain to outfit your squad with shotguns. Once your squad is shotgun armed then many persons from the Norh American habzones on Terra will get into the habit of calling the entire squad 'gay'. Strange use of the vernacular perhaps, but at least you wont feel so alone.

Dorn's boss.



Dear Teh Space Emporer

Pages keep on disappearing from the Holy Internet, I could get certain pages when I was on Cadia, but now I am back on Hung Lo most of these have "verily thy page cannot be displayed." markers. My favourite sites barely100bieltanbabes.com.eld and free-dongwong.net are unavailable I can still get to favouritehymnals.imp though so I know my home servitor is still working properly.

Is something wrong with the local servitors, has there been another warp outage? Freedongwong was a popular site on Cadia and had to install an extra machine spirit , and the other once was on the Exemptus list. The ecclesiastacy records scribe said it had been declared holy after the morning when Sanguinius made a suprise visit to the palace cambers.

Adeptus Nerdy from Hung Lo.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/07 22:12:35


Post by: CplPunishment





Dear Teh Space Emporer

Pages keep on disappearing from the Holy Internet, I could get certain pages when I was on Cadia, but now I am back on Hung Lo most of these have "verily thy page cannot be displayed." markers. My favourite sites barely100bieltanbabes.com.eld and free-dongwong.net are unavailable I can still get to favouritehymnals.imp though so I know my home servitor is still working properly.

Is something wrong with the local servitors, has there been another warp outage? Freedongwong was a popular site on Cadia and had to install an extra machine spirit , and the other once was on the Exemptus list. The ecclesiastacy records scribe said it had been declared holy after the morning when Sanguinius made a suprise visit to the palace cambers.

Adeptus Nerdy from Hung Lo.



Dear Adept,

Well, there certainly were no leaked "explicit" tapes of the holiest of Space Emperors engaging in certain "acts" with other "men" being posted on this site.

That would be unfathomable

-Teh Space Emperor


Dear Teh Space Emperor

Could you turn that Music down Already?
I mean, seriously! We're over here on Mars, dedicatedly working in your name and we can still hear you partying through the vacuum of space!
OMG!!!

-Angry Neighbors Titan Legion Adept, Karl SHUTTHEHELLUPALREADYPLEAZ


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/10 18:52:09


Post by: 1hadhq




Dear Teh Space Emperor

Could you turn that Music down Already?
I mean, seriously! We're over here on Mars, dedicatedly working in your name and we can still hear you partying through the vacuum of space!
OMG!!!

-Angry Neighbors Titan Legion Adept, Karl SHUTTHEHELLUPALREADYPLEAZ


Always angry neighbour,

Could you please work harder to repair that golden chair I'm sittin on?
If not,I'll turn up the volume until this of Adeptus Mechanicus gets faster to my request of repair!

Teh "Mr party himself " Space Emporer



Dear master of Gue'la

you seem to be more dead than alive and we,the followers of the greatest store of goods,may offer you a weekend holiday or two.
its a priceless offer,no need to have some special credit card or such.Easy to attain, we have the perfect place for your exitement.
Just a few parsec's away our new Try of error resort has a "imperial" suite only reserved for you!
If you mind to use our service please contact us.

To take your order we have only a few questions:

Do you bring any Pets (wolves), special entertainment wishes (mud,blood,rage),or a diet plan to fulfill ?

Don't resist to call us 12 h a Day!

can't wait to have you as our guest Aun'Va


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/11 07:29:20


Post by: CplPunishment


Dear master of Gue'la

you seem to be more dead than alive and we,the followers of the greatest store of goods,may offer you a weekend holiday or two.
its a priceless offer,no need to have some special credit card or such.Easy to attain, we have the perfect place for your exitement.
Just a few parsec's away our new Try of error resort has a "imperial" suite only reserved for you!
If you mind to use our service please contact us.

To take your order we have only a few questions:

Do you bring any Pets (wolves), special entertainment wishes (mud,blood,rage),or a diet plan to fulfill ?

Don't resist to call us 12 h a Day!

can't wait to have you as our guest Aun'Va


Dear Filthy Xenos

I, the Great Space Emperor am not in need of a vacation
After all, my palace in not just a place for me to sit forever bored out of my ing head.
No, It is the HAWTEST night club in the UNIVERSE
Why do you think I left the great crusade after Ullanor to go to Terra, only to have like 3/4 of my astartes show up a few years later. Pertuabo was all liek "Hey WTF why does Dorn get to build yor Orgyhouse?" and I was all like "woah, awkward." Then a bunch more uninvited legions showed up asking why they weren't invited. Sanguinius, my bouncer at the time, said "No passess, no asses", which to me didnt make sense but whatever. Anyway they were all pissed out side and started moshing really x2 hard and destroyed like half my palace. I was all like WTF guys no inappropriate dancing. Get out of my nightclub. So they left and started going to this wierd new Nightclub called the Blood shot eye or Palace of terror or something like that. I really don't want to know cause I heard those places are hella creepy. liek x2 creepy with whips and blood and domination and gak.
Anyway, my nightclub is where its at
Perhaps you would like a VIP pass? And FYI Custodes are just janitors who liek to party, so no need to worry there

Your most party-hardy emperor of space,
Teh Space Emperor



Dear the Space Emperor

Last week I found myself in need of the Holiest of holy Handgrenades. But when I opened my book of armaments, I had found that it's contents had been desecrated by insolent neophytes. Soo, I was hoping you could help me with the following question:
When using the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, to which number should I count, before tossing it at my foe, who, being naughty in my sights, shall snuff it?

-Brother Maynard, Chaplain of the Black Templars


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/27 17:46:24


Post by: oomiestompa



Dear the Space Emperor

Last week I found myself in need of the Holiest of holy Handgrenades. But when I opened my book of armaments, I had found that it's contents had been desecrated by insolent neophytes. Soo, I was hoping you could help me with the following question:
When using the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, to which number should I count, before tossing it at my foe, who, being naughty in my sights, shall snuff it?

-Brother Maynard, Chaplain of the Black Templars


Dear Bro M,

Hmm. Well, the only copy of the Book of Armaments I have handy is the one Dorn used to use as his "bathroom reading." So, let me see here. Yep. The pages are stuck together. I guess I have to assume this "Holy" hand grenade of which you speak is not in here which means you are using unsanctioned weaponry and are therefore made of wood. BURN THE WOOD MAN!! or some such.

Emporer of Space, Teh Emporer of Space


Dear Great Space Emperor in the Sky,

I was walking down the street one day, and a man came up to me and asked me what the time was on my watch. And I said, "None of your business! Get your own damn watch!" So he said, "I can't wear a watch. It would slide right off," and he pulled off his gloves to reveal that he has slimy tentacles for arms! Now I was all like, "AHHH!!! Xenos and/or Daemon and/or Mutant!" So I kneed him in the balls until he fell over, and then I took a nearby brick and bashed his tentacle arms until he bled to death.

That was when I noticed this guy was my buddy Jim, and he was wearing plastic bags covered in Gak on his arms. Oh, that Jim! Such a card! Always the practical joker! I have to admit man, you got me good! I laugh about it even now! Ha ha!

Anyways, this is a justifiable homicide, right? I'm not going to be sent to penal colony or anything for this?

The Loyalest Loyal Guy Ever


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/28 17:17:39


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Great Space Emperor in the Sky,

I was walking down the street one day, and a man came up to me and asked me what the time was on my watch. And I said, "None of your business! Get your own damn watch!" So he said, "I can't wear a watch. It would slide right off," and he pulled off his gloves to reveal that he has slimy tentacles for arms! Now I was all like, "AHHH!!! Xenos and/or Daemon and/or Mutant!" So I kneed him in the balls until he fell over, and then I took a nearby brick and bashed his tentacle arms until he bled to death.

That was when I noticed this guy was my buddy Jim, and he was wearing plastic bags covered in Gak on his arms. Oh, that Jim! Such a card! Always the practical joker! I have to admit man, you got me good! I laugh about it even now! Ha ha!

Anyways, this is a justifiable homicide, right? I'm not going to be sent to penal colony or anything for this?

The Loyalest Loyal Guy Ever


Dear Mr. Loyal

I see nothing wrong in here. In fact I wish more of my subjects showed your zeal. Therefore I have ordered the Inquisition to induct you into the Most Holy 23rd Martyrs Brigade where you and your trusty brick will help defend the Imperium against Abaddon's 14th Black Crusade.

No need to thank me.

TGE

My beloved father the Space Emperor,

Father I have recently learned that your faithful son Horus has been corrupted by the daemonic forces you warned us of! You must immediately prepare yourself against his treason!

Due to the urgent nature of this message I will also attempt to contact you by sorcery if I do not get a swift reply.

Your son
Maguns D'Red

NOTE - This letter was delayed due to an error in the address. Please inform the sender it should be sent to 'Teh Space Emporer'. The Imperial Postal System regrets the delay


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/28 19:29:26


Post by: 1hadhq



My beloved father the Space Emperor,

Father I have recently learned that your faithful son Horus has been corrupted by the daemonic forces you warned us of! You must immediately prepare yourself against his treason!

Due to the urgent nature of this message I will also attempt to contact you by sorcery if I do not get a swift reply.

Your son
Maguns D'Red

NOTE - This letter was delayed due to an error in the address. Please inform the sender it should be sent to 'Teh Space Emporer'. The Imperial Postal System regrets the delay


*side note 1* to regret is not enough! punishment will follow! TSE
*side note 2* with newly encouraged speed working imperial postal system

Dear dreaded maguns,

you should remember how often I have told you to keep your greedy little fingers from sorcery!
see what happened! My newly build webgate went crazy with your unwary interference! Can't you be more careful?

Further i have to inform you that this ?§%&@& Horus is NOT my son.sorry.Wanted all the time 20 sons and when
I was at the incubation chamber I realized my mistake.sorry. An accident. so sorry.
Sadly,with horus I lost the only daughter I had.*weeps*
*weeps more*
*sniff*

Teh very unhappy emporer of the now unimportant spase


Dear primary commander of all courageus and honorful! Mightiest emporer ever! Undebated ruler of spase!

I have now lost my faith in our way.For a long period of time i was sitting undisturbed on my throne (unworthy copy of yours)
and contemplating over my primarch and how I could be so unmoving as he is.
But then it ... i dare not to say.....but I must! Dear creator of us marines. Someone had changed our codex!
This is unbearable! The holy work of gullyman consecrated!
They installed a wicked rule,called ...oh inquisition forgive me .... COUNTS AS !
Now there was a Day when I went to battle and the unbelievable,almost traitorous trickery became reality.
This Counts As had copied me! The whole battlefield full of me! I ran to your temple as fast as i could.
My beloved emporer, i am in need. You must save me from Counts As!
I hate to plea for mercy,but my honour has left me as my courage did.

Please,dear spase emporer the rescue your faith-lacking servant!


MC coolest of CM *if its ultra its blue*




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/29 05:47:36


Post by: CplPunishment




Dear primary commander of all courageus and honorful! Mightiest emporer ever! Undebated ruler of spase!

I have now lost my faith in our way.For a long period of time i was sitting undisturbed on my throne (unworthy copy of yours)
and contemplating over my primarch and how I could be so unmoving as he is.
But then it ... i dare not to say.....but I must! Dear creator of us marines. Someone had changed our codex!
This is unbearable! The holy work of gullyman consecrated!
They installed a wicked rule,called ...oh inquisition forgive me .... COUNTS AS !
Now there was a Day when I went to battle and the unbelievable,almost traitorous trickery became reality.
This Counts As had copied me! The whole battlefield full of me! I ran to your temple as fast as i could.
My beloved emporer, i am in need. You must save me from Counts As!
I hate to plea for mercy,but my honour has left me as my courage did.

Please,dear spase emporer the rescue your faith-lacking servant!


MC coolest of CM *if its ultra its blue*




Dear MC

This is shocking. Usually you guys are whining to me because other chapters aren't following rules and stuff. It's like that's all you care about. I'm tired of hearing hearing you guys narking on chapters that actually have personality.
Anyway, I thought you were all about following rules? Or do you only like rules that you make? Well that's my job! know your role!
I am officially renaming you to the Emperor's Most (x2) Whiny Rule Makers and Rule Followers and (x2) Devout Narcs.
Everytime you refer to yourselves, you must use this title or I will declare you traitors.

Teh Emperor of Space.


[i]Dear Teh Space Emperor,

Looking for HOT singles in the Greater Eye of Terror region?
They're waiting for you!!! Click HERE now!!!!

Teh most uber l33t haxor eber.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/30 04:20:36


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Teh Space Emperor,

Looking for HOT singles in the Greater Eye of Terror region?
They're waiting for you!!! Click HERE now!!!!

Teh most uber l33t haxor eber.


Why yes, I am looking for hot singles! Thank you for your kind note.

Just let me click there...

>Warning Firewall has blocked a virus!!

What? But I want to see the HOT SINGLES!

CLICK! CLICK!

>Warning Firewall has blocked a virus!!

Fie on you Firewall! Am I not the Emporer of Spase?

CLICK! CLICK!

>Disable Firewall? Y/N

Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! I shall see the HOT SINGLES! This I command!

>WARNING! VIRUS INFESTATION! GOLDEN THRONE OS DISABLE%20ERROR252%20H4!L574NN35H!

Oh poo... Now where did I put the Adeptus Mech help line number...

The Emp of Spa

Dear Coach Space Emperor

The 40,000AD Spacelympics are finally over! I love them, expecially how Mikhail Phelipus won 8x10^23 metals in Water Killin'. And I know that a lot of people think Beach Volley Fire is not a real event, since it's just the same as Volley Fire except you're on sand and wear swimming costumes but once I saw I really appreciated the differences.

But what do you think about the controvercy that some of the Red Space Marines were too young? Spacelympics rules say only Scouts aged 16 and over can enter the Sneaky Killin' event but anyone could clearly see the Red Space Marine scouts had the fire buttocks and smooth skin of a 14 year old scout. And because they were so young had had an advantage and could win the Weapons Grade Plutonium Metal while the Blue Space Marines only got the Mythril metal and the Other Blue Space Marines got the Gold-Press Latinum metal. What do you think?

Spacelympics Fan


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/08/31 07:08:30


Post by: CplPunishment


hahahaha that's hilarious
I love this thread


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/09/04 11:41:18


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


CplPunishment wrote:hahahaha that's hilarious
I love this thread


By my beard! You dare mock the words of the Space Emporer?!

I command mine Inquisitors to decapitate thine head!

However I recognize your words were not meant as a true insult, just a slip of the tongue, therefore your sentence shall be halved. Mine Inquisitors will cut halfway through thine neck instead.

No need to thank me.

Your friend
Teh

Dear the Commander in Chief

Right now we are trying to pick a new Warmaster for the Space Marine chapters and there are two main candidates. One is a gazillion years old and chose a Girl Space Marine (who is only S3T3) as his running mate. However the other is a Black Space Marine and as you know no Black Space Marine has ever held the rank of Warmaster.

Who should I vote for?

Your Truly
Voter on Venus


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/09/04 21:27:26


Post by: Gavin Thorne


Dear Voter on Venus,

As has been previously stated, all voting and democratic selection is heretical in nature and will be swiftly and concisely responded to by Ordo Exterminatus. Please submit the names and locations of the party officials coordinating this event and perform the Rites of Flagellation and Debasement the required seven hundred and seventy-seven times to cleanse this besmirchment from your record. Besides, there are NO girl Space Marienz... only those traitorous marines that become twisted mutations of Chaos have girly parts! And how can that Black Space Marine be a Warmaster if he isn't bald and hardly yells? Answer: he can't!

In any case, I've appointed Russ "le Man" Perot Warmaster (as soon as he gets back with that cold 12-pack I sent him to the store for).

Omniscent as Always,
Teh


Dear Spase Emporer,

When the last rogue trader came to town, he had a bunch of peoples with him, even an evil baby-eating space elf. What I don't get is there was an Inquisitor with him and he was pals with the evil space elf. They blowed up the gang of orkses living in the underhive, but I bet that space elf ate some babies while he was here. Please, Spase Emporer, tell me how a good guy and a bad guy can be friends?

Yours Faithfully,
Confused in Necromunda


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/09/05 23:01:50


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear Spase Emporer,

When the last rogue trader came to town, he had a bunch of peoples with him, even an evil baby-eating space elf. What I don't get is there was an Inquisitor with him and he was pals with the evil space elf. They blowed up the gang of orkses living in the underhive, but I bet that space elf ate some babies while he was here. Please, Spase Emporer, tell me how a good guy and a bad guy can be friends?

Yours Faithfully,
Confused in Necromunda




Dear Confused,

You should have paid more attention in school, then you would know that “evil baby-eating space elf” is a tautology. Its use in Imperial communications channels is a proscribed wastage punishable by deportation to the Imperial ink mines of Scribus 9.

I have only permitted the repetition of your grievous sin in my holy advice column for the purpose of righteous instruction of younger minds in the serious matter of misuse of scribal services.

Teh Spase Emporer





Most Holey Emporer of Spase,

Recently I was reading some educational literature about the mighty struggle of the Adeptes Astartes, when I came across an argument concerning the correct terminology in Low Gothic to refer to these most esteemed protectors of Mankind.

Please enlighten me, is the correct name Spase Mareins, or Spase Marienz?

(Hurr!)

Yours in anticipation of enlightenment,


Avid Warfan.




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/09/24 16:51:25


Post by: Orlanth


Most Holey Emporer of Spase,

Recently I was reading some educational literature about the mighty struggle of the Adeptes Astartes, when I came across an argument concerning the correct terminology in Low Gothic to refer to these most esteemed protectors of Mankind.

Please enlighten me, is the correct name Spase Mareins, or Spase Marienz?

(Hurr!)

Yours in anticipation of enlightenment,


Avid Warfan.


Dear Warfan

We are quite lax on the spelling and punctuation so long as a suitable writing medium is used. In your instance spell the common name of the Adeptus Astartes however you please, so long as you do so in crayon.

Yours

The Emperor of Space



Dear the Spase Emporer

We all just heard of this Hasbro dude, and are a little anxious. Is he the Necron guy on Mars about to wake up and gobble the whole Imperium?

Worried on Wotan IV





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/09/27 01:22:29


Post by: Arctik_Firangi


Dear the Spase Emporer

We all just heard of this Hasbro dude, and are a little anxious. Is he the Necron guy on Mars about to wake up and gobble the whole Imperium?

Worried on Wotan IV



Dear Worried,

Nobody on Mars could ever swallow the whole Imperium. Twelve thousand years ago I had them all line up and try. Ah, those were the days...

DJ Teh-Emp-O-Man



Dear Boss,

I was wondering if I could try on the lightning claws for a while, or maybe just a chainsword. The Gauntlets of Ultramar don't get any lighter. Just for a little while. Please?

Marnie




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/09/29 14:54:41


Post by: Kid_Kyoto



Dear Boss,

I was wondering if I could try on the lightning claws for a while, or maybe just a chainsword. The Gauntlets of Ultramar don't get any lighter. Just for a little while. Please?

Marnie


Marnie, Marnie, Marnie... I warned you, I warned you more than once that those wardrugs would lead to elephantitis of the forearms. But you didn't listen. I mean honestly, would I send an I5 character out into battle with POWER FISTS if I had a choice. The techmarines tell me at this point they're going to have to cut you out of the guantlets when you die.

Sincerely
The Imperial Space Emperor of Space

Dear Teh Space Emporer

I think I'm getting forgetful in my old age, I mean I was assaulting a heretic Land Raider and reached for my melta bomb and it wasn't there. It was just there a week ago! What happened?

Sincerely
Techmarine Edison Von Tesla


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/01 08:05:24


Post by: Arctik_Firangi


[i]Dear Teh Space Emporer

I think I'm getting forgetful in my old age, I mean I was assaulting a heretic Land Raider and reached for my melta bomb and it wasn't there. It was just there a week ago! What happened?

Sincerely
Techmarine Edison Von Tesla


Dear Subject,

The machine god is fickle. I was stuck in this golden heap of crap for seven thousand years before I could even get my email to work and answer you guys, let alone those Lords of Terra.

I've gotten to know the machine god pretty well over the years though - no respect, just understanding. As far as I can tell all sorts of heretical nonsense is going on under the guise of 'prayer' by the Mechanicus, and it's time for it to end.

Here's an excerpt from the up-to-date daily procedure. The times are not a 'guide only'. Base your OTHER tasks AROUND these times. Copy and paste them into your console if you like:



I think you get the idea, my humble servant. If you meltabomb isn't there, you've probably annoyed the spirits that be. Even if this does not extend logically, your week-long neglect of the holy meltabomb-check means you have been chronically failing at your requirements! Fortunately for you I'm not the machine god. I'm not even Jewish. As long as you've been praying to me thirteen HUNDRED times a day, regularly checking that your children aren't mutants, and using the turn signals on your Arkhan Land Battle Tank, you're off the hook... THIS TIME.

The EEEEMMMPEROOOAAAARRRR!!!


Dear Space Emperor

Where do human souls go when they die, and what do I have to do to not get eaten by the scary monsters?

Penny "+M41.01/e174report//inquis/subjectarcadum00224325044/..."apparently not a mutant"" the Little Girl






Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/02 08:37:38


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emperor

Where do human souls go when they die, and what do I have to do to not get eaten by the scary monsters?

Penny "+M41.01/e174report//inquis/subjectarcadum00224325044/..."apparently not a mutant"" the Little Girl


Well Little Girl, if you are a good little girl and say your prayers every night and purge the unclean every day then you can come live in my magical castle on the moon and eat ice cream every day.

You do like ice cream don't you?

But if you are a bad little girl and question authority then you'll be eaten up be scary monsters!

Sincerely
Teh Space Emporer
(Totally not a scribe with a rubber stamp)

Dear the Imperial Space Emporer of Space

Recently my Viscount of the Treasurtorium came to me and said my planetary economy was ruined because his friends on Bulwark Street spent all their money on baseball cards and Franklin Mint Lord of the Rings Limited Edition Collector Plates.

He said unless I give him $700 Qunitillion Starbucks, a new car and the hand of my virgin daughter we will all have to wear barrels and eat cat food. he also said don't ask stupid questions about what he's going to do with the money cause he's a smart guy and he'll use it well.

Should I give it to him?

Sincerely
Space Guvunah Dubah of Planet Dirt



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/02 16:44:08


Post by: oomiestompa


Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Imperial Space Emporer of Space

Recently my Viscount of the Treasurtorium came to me and said my planetary economy was ruined because his friends on Bulwark Street spent all their money on baseball cards and Franklin Mint Lord of the Rings Limited Edition Collector Plates.

He said unless I give him $700 Qunitillion Starbucks, a new car and the hand of my virgin daughter we will all have to wear barrels and eat cat food. he also said don't ask stupid questions about what he's going to do with the money cause he's a smart guy and he'll use it well.

Should I give it to him?

Sincerely
Space Guvunah Dubah of Planet Dirt



700 Quintillion Starbucks? What's he going to do with all those coffee house franchises? While their products are delicious (I start every day with a half-caf Pskyer Soul Latte), I don't have any authority over starting up their shops. You'd have to contact their offices at 100 Terra Tr., The Good Side of Terra, 12345, Terra.

Wait, did you mean spacebucks? Hmm. That is a lot of money, but I have an idea. Give him his car first, but let him pick it out. If he goes for something foreign like a stylish and fuel efficient Iyandai or a luxurious Slanneshi-Benz, burn him immediately. In fact, burn him unless he picks a Land Charger, but not just any Land Charger. It's got to be an orange one with the Imperial Eagle on the roof like the General Macharius from The High Lords of Hazzardus Prime. Man, I love that show. Bo Highlord and Gaylord Highlord are always on the run from Warboss Hogg.

Anyways, if that's the car he picks, I guess you better fire up the printers and make him $700 quintillion spacebucks.

Teh Ecomonist of Space

Dear Emp Spazzy,

I am currently sitting in my cubicle, trying to pen the next edition of the Imperial Galactic Building Code, and the scribe next to me just won't shut up! He talks about everything incessantly, from the economy to sports to office gossip. It's so bad, I can't get any work done. How can I quiet him without getting a reputation as the office jerk?

Unacceptably, Obscenely, Incredibly, Extremely Annoyed.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/06 11:39:28


Post by: Orlanth


Dear Emp Spazzy,

I am currently sitting in my cubicle, trying to pen the next edition of the Imperial Galactic Building Code, and the scribe next to me just won't shut up! He talks about everything incessantly, from the economy to sports to office gossip. It's so bad, I can't get any work done. How can I quiet him without getting a reputation as the office jerk?

Unacceptably, Obscenely, Incredibly, Extremely Annoyed.


Dear Unacceptably

This is just not on, to have the Emperors servants disrupted during their work. And you worry about being considered a jerk. Well I know just the answer for you. I have personally ordered that you be removed ever so temporarily from your office by the Medicae and thence transfered to the Adeptus Mechanicus for conditioning as a servitor. Then lots of exciting things will happen to you. First you will lose a lot of those annoying frontal lobes you dont really need in your position, though you might keep some long enough for calibration for the cortex implants. This also means that you will be concious throughout the transformation process and wont miss out on any of the fun!
By late next wek you will be back at your office and utterly undistractable from your work. Noone will ever have need to think you are a jerk again. What service, eh!
Hurry now, the medicae are at the office door, and thoughtfully all other exits too. I see no reason why I should make you wait. The adventure can start right now.

Yours
Teh Spase Emporer


Dear the Spase Emporer

Why are Land Speeder storms so much scarier that everyone else? I feel kind of inadequate.

Mr B. Thirster



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/08 20:57:44


Post by: Xav


Can i just as a question?

Dear the spase emporer

why do space marines get a new codex when the last dark eldar one was like 12 years ago.

your truly Rotting cultist of nurgle.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/08 21:29:03


Post by: Kilkrazy


Xav wrote:Can i just as a question?

Dear the spase emporer

why do space marines get a new codex when the last dark eldar one was like 12 years ago.

your truly Rotting cultist of nurgle.



Dear Rotting cultist of Nurgle.

Yes, but only one per letter.

Teh Space Emporer.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/14 10:18:11


Post by: Orlanth


Orks have taken over the Imperial mail room:

You answer the question (as Emperor)
then you ask one (to Emperor)

where were we:

Dear Emp Spazzy,

I am currently sitting in my cubicle, trying to pen the next edition of the Imperial Galactic Building Code, and the scribe next to me just won't shut up! He talks about everything incessantly, from the economy to sports to office gossip. It's so bad, I can't get any work done. How can I quiet him without getting a reputation as the office jerk?

Unacceptably, Obscenely, Incredibly, Extremely Annoyed.


Dear Unacceptably

This is just not on, to have the Emperors servants disrupted during their work. And you worry about being considered a jerk. Well I know just the answer for you. I have personally ordered that you be removed ever so temporarily from your office by the Medicae and thence transfered to the Adeptus Mechanicus for conditioning as a servitor. Then lots of exciting things will happen to you. First you will lose a lot of those annoying frontal lobes you dont really need in your position, though you might keep some long enough for calibration for the cortex implants. This also means that you will be concious throughout the transformation process and wont miss out on any of the fun!
By late next wek you will be back at your office and utterly undistractable from your work. Noone will ever have need to think you are a jerk again. What service, eh!
Hurry now, the medicae are at the office door, and thoughtfully all other exits too. I see no reason why I should make you wait. The adventure can start right now.

Yours
Teh Spase Emporer


Dear the Spase Emporer

Why are Land Speeder storms so much scarier that everyone else? I feel kind of inadequate.

Mr B. Thirster


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/14 15:36:30


Post by: Chimera_Calvin


Dear the Spase Emporer

Why are Land Speeder storms so much scarier that everyone else? I feel kind of inadequate.

Mr B. Thirster


Don't worry B,

Its because the Adeptus Mechanicus have finally said that the design they found 3,476 years ago in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet is actually a Cerberus launcher and have fitted it on the new Land Speeder Storms.

Now, as any good resident of hell (such as yourself) will know, Cerberus is a 3-headed dog that works as your bouncer. I even hear that your boss Mr. K. Horne had one made out of a pet fleshhound!

Just imagine how scary it would be if a flying brick full of butch young men started throwing a barrage of 3-headed dogs at you?

I know it would scare the cr@p out of me...

Yours reaching for the pedigree chum,

Teh Spase Emp and Dog Whisperer



Dear Mr Emporer of Spase,

My friend Billy keeps buying toys from the big black toyshop with the red and yellow sign outside.

He says the toys are ok cos you can buy toys of Spase Marienz and Inkwisitors and stuff like that, but I've seen him buy toys of little purple girls with big boobies and fat little green men who like to pick their noses and my mummy says that's not right.

What should I do about my friend Billy and what should I do about the evil black toyshop with the red and yellow sign?

I love you Spase Emporer,

Little Johnny


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/14 17:27:50


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Chimera_Calvin wrote:Dear Mr Emporer of Spase,

My friend Billy keeps buying toys from the big black toyshop with the red and yellow sign outside.

He says the toys are ok cos you can buy toys of Spase Marienz and Inkwisitors and stuff like that, but I've seen him buy toys of little purple girls with big boobies and fat little green men who like to pick their noses and my mummy says that's not right.

What should I do about my friend Billy and what should I do about the evil black toyshop with the red and yellow sign?

I love you Spase Emporer,

Little Johnny


Dear Little Johnny:

I know it can be disturbing to see your friend buying Green Monsters and Space Demons from the friendly neighborhood =I= approved Galactic Weaponsdepot (GW) store but that's fine because the only way to kill the enemy is to understand the enemy. How to kill it at least. Besides, boys your age need something to occupy their idle hands and burning desires lest they stray to other, naughty pursuits.

TSE

Dear Chairman and CEO Space Emporer

My daugher keeps blah-blah-blahing about carbonite emissions and galactic warming and the cometary icecaps melting. If I buy a 'save the universe' bumpersticker for the family Baneblade will that shut her up?

Unconcerned on Uranus


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/14 17:34:35


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear Chairman and CEO Space Emporer

My daugher keeps blah-blah-blahing about carbonite emissions and galactic warming and the cometary icecaps melting. If I buy a 'save the universe' bumpersticker for the family Baneblade will that shut her up?

Unconcerned on Uranus


Dear Anus

Your touching story reminds of how Magnus the Butthead (as we used to call him) kept blah-blah-blahing about this guy's corrupted by chaos and that guy's possessed by demons so finally I started screening my calls but then BOOM! he uses sorcery and appears right in my bedroom just as I was enjoying the Chainswords Illustrasted Swimsuit Edition and I was all like, YO! this is MY TIME. So I sent Leman to go shut him up. Heh, good old Magnus, wonder what ever happened to that guy, haven't heard from him in ages.

Anyway the point is, people should learn to keep their mouths shut.

Spase Out!

Dear the Space Emporer:

I here from Sister Pious Chastity Dominatrica that you watch everything we do. I am very, very, very, x a million, sorry for what I did under my sheets last night. Please, please, please x a million don't make me go blind or grow hair on my palms.

Love
Foundling #8953
Maximum Security Orphanarium #5
Rynn's World


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/14 20:52:26


Post by: oomiestompa



Dear the Space Emporer:

I hear from Sister Pious Chastity Dominatrica that you watch everything we do. I am very, very, very, x a million, sorry for what I did under my sheets last night. Please, please, please x a million don't make me go blind or grow hair on my palms.

Love
Foundling #8953
Maximum Security Orphanarium #5
Rynn's World


Dear Foundling #8953,

No, I don't see everything everyone in the galaxy does. I'm not Santa Claus. I'm a very (x a lot) old man with this advice column as my only contact to the little people in my domain. And because I have no clue what you're talking about, I'm going to have to guess at what you did under your covers that could make you "go blind or grow hair on your palms."

First one: go blind. Hmm. Reading a scary story with a flashlight! Yeah, that might hurt your eyes, but I don't see anything wrong with that. Second one: grow hair on your palms. Geez, what could cause that?

Wait, what's this?

Oh, it's a fax from Sister Pious Chastity Dominatrica. She says that you're a psyker and are slated for the Astra Telepathica. I guess I am going to make you go blind. Heh.

That Emporer Guy


Dear Your Emporerness,

One of my bestest buddies in the whole galaxy is getting married this weekend to a wonderful girl. I'm even standing up at the wedding. But what do I get them? Their registry is picked clean of all of the very useful items like the $300 Sterling Silver cake serving tray and the Cuisinart ICE-30BC Pure Indulgence 2-Quart Automatic Frozen Yogurt, Sorbet, and Ice Cream Maker. So do I give them a joke gift or cash? If cash, how many Spacebucks would be appropriate?

Thanks in advance.
oomiestompa


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/14 21:13:56


Post by: Kilkrazy


oomiestompa wrote:
Dear Your Emporerness,

One of my bestest buddies in the whole galaxy is getting married this weekend to a wonderful girl. I'm even standing up at the wedding. But what do I get them? Their registry is picked clean of all of the very useful items like the $300 Sterling Silver cake serving tray and the Cuisinart ICE-30BC Pure Indulgence 2-Quart Automatic Frozen Yogurt, Sorbet, and Ice Cream Maker. So do I give them a joke gift or cash? If cash, how many Spacebucks would be appropriate?

Thanks in advance.
oomiestompa



Dear Ooomiestompa,

This is a tricky problem yet not so bad as it may first appear.

The solution can be found by reference to your knowledge of your friend’s and his intended’s regular fighting habits.

For example, if they like close combat, then a matched pair of chainswords is appropriate. Or, if they enjoy bunker busting, twin-linked incinerators are charming. And so on and so on...

The lucky couple may already have indulged themselves in paired weaponry. If so, a year’s supply of fuel or ammo is a very thoughtful gift, and will sustain their combat enjoyment long after the honeymoon is over.

If you really cannot find something, a gross of mixed grenades will always come in handy!

Yours,


Teh Space Emporer




Dear L’ Emporeur de l’Espace,

I am, ow you say, a surrender eating chicken monkay from the planet of Krootus Prime 7.

My leetle pals and I would like to join up in your glorious Eemperial Guward, as we ave eeard of many glorious conquests and feasts that have been experianced, by your mairveloos soldeers in their careerings around the Garlaxee.

Such as this as it is that, that we would like to enjoy the sweet fruits of victory on such a Garlacteec scale. Thus we offer ourselves as recruits to your glorious and, particularly, well fed forces.

Please, I implore your Eemporial Ighness, to send me the hadrress of the neerest bureau of recruitmentation.

Yours, with inestimable bowings and regardments,



Alphonse du Fromage Frais, Shaper.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/16 10:10:06


Post by: Chimera_Calvin


Dear L’ Emporeur de l’Espace,

I am, ow you say, a surrender eating chicken monkay from the planet of Krootus Prime 7.

My leetle pals and I would like to join up in your glorious Eemperial Guward, as we ave eeard of many glorious conquests and feasts that have been experianced, by your mairveloos soldeers in their careerings around the Garlaxee.

Such as this as it is that, that we would like to enjoy the sweet fruits of victory on such a Garlacteec scale. Thus we offer ourselves as recruits to your glorious and, particularly, well fed forces.

Please, I implore your Eemporial Ighness, to send me the hadrress of the neerest bureau of recruitmentation.

Yours, with inestimable bowings and regardments,



Alphonse du Fromage Frais, Shaper.


Dear Alphonse,

I feel sure someone of your culinary genious would have no trouble getting a job at your local Kroot Fried Chicken.
It has all the benfits of army life - a dismal uniform and repetitve and monotonous tasks to keep you busy all day long. Early morning, late night and weekend shifts with no extra pay come as standard and you'll still get to experience people shooting at you if you maintain the traditional level of service...

While you're at it, rustle me up a bucket of Vespid wings, easy on the salt.

Yours waiting for a cholesterol high,

Spacey




Dear Spase Emporer,

I finish school next year and my careers teacher says I need to decide what to do with my life.

I thought about it long and hard and being such a big fan I've decided I want to do what you do.

I already know I'll need polished communications skills, slick spin doctors, a massive invasion force and legions of rapturous followers, but what other tips can you offer me on becoming a Spase Emporer?

A. B. Baddon
PO Box 6789
c/o EoT Postal Service


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/17 11:53:57


Post by: Cheese Elemental


Dear Spase Emporer,

I finish school next year and my careers teacher says I need to decide what to do with my life.

I thought about it long and hard and being such a big fan I've decided I want to do what you do.

I already know I'll need polished communications skills, slick spin doctors, a massive invasion force and legions of rapturous followers, but what other tips can you offer me on becoming a Spase Emporer?

A. B. Baddon
PO Box 6789
c/o EoT Postal Service


Dear Abby,

You don't need all those fancy things. How do you think I got to be the Spase Emporer? Not by being a valiant hero; you need to brown-tongue your way up the ranks, until you're close to the head honcho, then make him have a little... accident. Dispose of the body and bam! Say hello to golden thrones, free botox shots and all you can eat.

Hope that helped,
the Spase Emporer.

Dear Man in Shiny Armour,

I am trying to cure this little problem of mine. Magnus has already kicked me out of the gang and I've fallen in with these dodgy guys who wear pink and black armour and take part in gay orgies. They want to put strange things in strang places, and some of them are touching me inapproprietly. Just yesterday they took my staff and tried to put it down my pants, which makes me uncomfortable. Can you help me deal with these people, who claim to be your children?

Hoping you're not in on it too,
Namirha.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/21 13:57:07


Post by: Chimera_Calvin


Dear Man in Shiny Armour,

I am trying to cure this little problem of mine. Magnus has already kicked me out of the gang and I've fallen in with these dodgy guys who wear pink and black armour and take part in gay orgies. They want to put strange things in strang places, and some of them are touching me inapproprietly. Just yesterday they took my staff and tried to put it down my pants, which makes me uncomfortable. Can you help me deal with these people, who claim to be your children?

Hoping you're not in on it too,
Namirha.

Namirha,

Clearly you're not getting into the spirit of things. This all sounds like the perfectly normal type of hazing that would happen in any normal fraternity. I recommend downing 18 pints, then riding a bicycle down main street with your arms outstretched and a traffic cone on your head until you crash into a fountain*.
After such a display of blokish bonhommie, they're bound to let you in on the secret and show you where the girls are.

Have one for me!

Shiny


*based on a true story


Dear big 'oomie boss,

I av a orrible problem wiv sum ov dem parts for my noo contrapshun wot I nicked from wun ov dem forj-world playses.

'Oo do I av to stomp to get a proper manoofactorus warranty on dis lot? Its rubish, i've got grots wot duz betta wirin.

Mad Meks


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/21 15:05:58


Post by: Orlanth


Dear big 'oomie boss,

I av a orrible problem wiv sum ov dem parts for my noo contrapshun wot I nicked from wun ov dem forj-world playses.

'Oo do I av to stomp to get a proper manoofactorus warranty on dis lot? Its rubish, i've got grots wot duz betta wirin.

Mad Meks

Dear Mad Meks

As Omnissiah of the Machine Cult I know even more about mechanical bits than you and like you should know that just because a machine has lots of bits it doesn't mean they all have meaning. It is nice that I am able to share this truth with you as my own tech Priests seem to be sadly lacking in true mechanical insight and it can get rather lonely having nooone to discuss such matters with,

So here goes, the big secret...you ready.

The wiring is just for show, its really just a way of connecting components together at the best of times, at worst just a means of keeping servitors employed. All machines in the Imperium as powered by skull power. You see they work in pretty much the same way your machines work, because we believe they do. Hoomie teknolgee as you would put it, works because we add lots of skulls to it. All the pipes and engine blocks are nothing more than supports for a big skull, often with purity seals attached for good measure.

What do you find on every space marine backpack? No I understand your thinking, but no I dont mean the holes from the choppas and shoppas you used to smack them with, I mean all of them, including the ones you havent got to yet. If you guessed: skull, you are learning.

We are not too dissimilar after all. Now that should disturb you.

Empy, Da biggest mek of da lot.


Dear the Spase Emporer

You mentioned earlier that Magnus is Butthead.
We have been contemplating this galactic truth in quiet meditation and have come up with this question:

Does this mean Konrad Curze is Beavis?

Yours

Scribe Adept Tim, a cathedral like office somewhere.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/21 17:30:02


Post by: oomiestompa


Orlanth wrote:
Dear the Spase Emporer

You mentioned earlier that Magnus is Butthead.
We have been contemplating this galactic truth in quiet meditation and have come up with this question:

Does this mean Konrad Curze is Beavis?

Yours

Scribe Adept Tim, a cathedral like office somewhere.


Dear Tim,

Sure, why not? Fun fact: The second legion's Primarch was Stewart. We had radio contact with him before meeting face to face and had a number of long conversations. So I said to Lion, "This guy is so lame, if he looks like a horse, I'm going to shoot him." Well, he didn't look like a horse, but he did have polio, and I can't have a legion of handicapable Spase Marienz. Then I'd have to make their vehicles and spaceships wheelchair accessible which angers their Machine Spirits. So I got him a job at the Imperial Insurance Agency. Best damn claims adjuster you've ever seen.

The Great Space Emporholio


Dear Your Holiness,

I have always followed your teachings strictly, and even among my order I have a reputation of being most pious. I believe this is why you sent me that vision where I give birth to a son who will be a great leader and hero to all Mankind. However, we are currently in a warzone and need every Sister we have. So my question is this: Do you have any maternity wear/power armor for the righteous warrior who wishes to maintain her combat readiness?

Love,
Sister Superior Magdalena Fidelitas, a.k.a. "Murderin' Madge", Order of the Bloody Rose


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/27 10:34:13


Post by: Chimera_Calvin


Dear Your Holiness,

I have always followed your teachings strictly, and even among my order I have a reputation of being most pious. I believe this is why you sent me that vision where I give birth to a son who will be a great leader and hero to all Mankind. However, we are currently in a warzone and need every Sister we have. So my question is this: Do you have any maternity wear/power armor for the righteous warrior who wishes to maintain her combat readiness?

Love,
Sister Superior Magdalena Fidelitas, a.k.a. "Murderin' Madge", Order of the Bloody Rose


Dear Madge,

Its surprising that Power Armour with an 'empire waist' has disappeared from all the style catalogues, so I'd suggest nicking a Placard from the Space Wolves chapter armoury next time you're near Fenris. Some of those Long Fangs are right porkers and the gut plate should be interchangeable with your standard issue armour.

As for the inevitable breast enlargement, I'll have a look in the cupboard and see if we've got any leftover DD-sized Cuirasses from the Sister's of Silence swimsuit issue - ahh, those were the days. Failing that, be on the lookout for a Howling Banshee, those Eldar chicks have nice racks.

Yours taking a (cold) shower,

TSE



Dear Emperor Sir,

I've recently been posted to Catachan as part of a 'guardsman exchange programme'.
Since I arrived, my medal polish was swapped with my can of cream sauce, my lovely red jacket now has tiger stripes that WON'T WASH OUT and I can't repeat what they wrote on my wall with my tub of Pith-helmet whitener.
On top of this, I can't understand what these chaps are saying half the time. They keep 'axeing' things, talking about their 'homies from the hood' and saying they want me to 'throw down' (although they never say what they want me to throw).
Is it possible to get a transfer back to my old unit? Or at least some sort of Catachan/Imperial Gothic dictionary?

Yours deeply miffed,

Private Percy Priestly, Praetorian 85th (P-company)


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/28 21:00:17


Post by: oomiestompa


Dear Emperor Sir,

I've recently been posted to Catachan as part of a 'guardsman exchange programme'.
Since I arrived, my medal polish was swapped with my can of cream sauce, my lovely red jacket now has tiger stripes that WON'T WASH OUT and I can't repeat what they wrote on my wall with my tub of Pith-helmet whitener.
On top of this, I can't understand what these chaps are saying half the time. They keep 'axeing' things, talking about their 'homies from the hood' and saying they want me to 'throw down' (although they never say what they want me to throw).
Is it possible to get a transfer back to my old unit? Or at least some sort of Catachan/Imperial Gothic dictionary?

Yours deeply miffed,

Private Percy Priestly, Praetorian 85th (P-company)


Dear Master P,

No transfers, sorry. I would take months of paperwork accomplish said transfer of one inconvenienced trooper, and frankly, you're not worth. Especially because you'll probably be dead by the time the request goes through. And to top it all off, the Imperial Meteorologists (aw, cool band name!) say there's Cat5 warp storm approaching Catachan from the Galactic East, carrying with it evil of up to 150 APM (atrocities per minute). So even if 1) you weren't just a drop in the bucket, and 2) you lived long enough, any retrieval would be next to impossible. Sorry, bud. Them's the breaks.

But to prove to you that I am a magnanimous emporer, I'll help you communicate with your newfound compatriots. "Axe" means "ask". But be careful! If they axe you to axe down a tree, do not interrogate it until it falls over! It will not work unless you're me before the Heresy. I could make that work. But you're not, so forget it.

"Homies from da hood" are friends and neighbors. I don't know where it comes from either.

If someone axes you to "throw down", you need to "diss" them to prove that you are "hard". Then save his life later and the situation will be "all good".

Mad props on the slammin' letter, dawg.

Big Spacin', Teh Space Emporer



Oi, wot duz dis fing do?

Outpost #2145
Armageddon


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/30 21:30:48


Post by: Kilkrazy


Oi, wot duz dis fing do?

Outpost #2145
Armageddon


BOOM!

I told you not to touch that darn thing!



Now pick up your other arm and wipe the blood off the console.

Thank you.


Teh Space Emporer



Dear Teh Space Emporer,

The other day I decided to bake some peanut butter cookies.

I looked up the recipe on the Imperial Interwarp Scribatron but I couldn't print it out. I got all the ingredients together except the egg which I forgot.

So I made the dough and baked everything very carefully but because there was no egg in it, the cookies were dry and crumbly.

What is your favourite cookie recipe, and how often did you make it for the Primarchs?

Yours crunchily,


Basic Baker.




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/10/31 10:18:27


Post by: PanzerSmurf


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

The other day I decided to bake some peanut butter cookies.

I looked up the recipe on the Imperial Interwarp Scribatron but I couldn't print it out. I got all the ingredients together except the egg which I forgot.

So I made the dough and baked everything very carefully but because there was no egg in it, the cookies were dry and crumbly.

What is your favourite cookie recipe, and how often did you make it for the Primarchs?

Yours crunchily,


Basic Baker.


Dear loyal baking subject,

First off, just let me say, no egg in the cookie makes the baker not get nookie...
Here's a little tip, user mica-dragoneggs, the kids will love them.

I allways made squig-cookies for the primarchs, they loved it to death.
Only Horus didnt like it, and when I asked him why he went all cranky on me and heresied and stuff.
Here's a tip, loyal subject of mine, when you decide to have kids, make sure they arent demi-godlike,
that will jump up and bite you in the ass someday...

Yours Omnipotently,
ze Space Empuror

Dear space Emporer,

Living in your great and vast Imperium is great and all,
but why the hell is there still no anti-nidspray?

Waking up to find rippers nibbling on your toes every morning isnt exactly a good start of the day!

Amd another thing that I wonder about, after ten millenia, isnt your divine behind numb as rocks?

Yours worshippingly and wonderingly,

Bloody Mary
Sister noviciate,
Tetris prime



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/01 10:28:30


Post by: Kilkrazy


PanzerSmurf wrote:

Dear space Emporer,

Living in your great and vast Imperium is great and all,
but why the hell is there still no anti-nidspray?

Waking up to find rippers nibbling on your toes every morning isnt exactly a good start of the day!

Amd another thing that I wonder about, after ten millenia, isnt your divine behind numb as rocks?

Yours worshippingly and wonderingly,

Bloody Mary
Sister noviciate,
Tetris prime




Dear Miss Bloody,

There is plenty of anti-nidspray in the Imperium as there is plenty of everything needful for killing things.

If you are being nibbled by rippers it is because you have neglected your religious duties. As a noviciate you should know of the special warding ritual called the Maledicta Insecta Agressiva, or in low Gothic “anti-nids-pray”. Go now and perform the ritual 100 times.

As for the question of my behind, anyone who worked for centuries among Spase Mariens would learn to be very careful of their nether regions.

Yours in me,


Teh Space Emporer




Dear King of All Cosmos,

The other day my chauffeur was driving me in my armoured limo and I had the drivetime voxcast on. A catchy number was played, of which the refrain went something like;

“Waaagh! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.”

If this were translated into Orkish it might make a good piece of propaganda for Guard units to use against Ork units in sieges.

What do you think?

Yours with a cheerful smile and a hot flamethrower,

Inquisitor Psychobilly
Nauseus Prime
Retro Sector, 2nd Quadrant




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/02 08:28:21


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear King of All Cosmos,

The other day my chauffeur was driving me in my armoured limo and I had the drivetime voxcast on. A catchy number was played, of which the refrain went something like;

“Waaagh! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.”

If this were translated into Orkish it might make a good piece of propaganda for Guard units to use against Ork units in sieges.

What do you think?

Yours with a cheerful smile and a hot flamethrower,

Inquisitor Psychobilly
Nauseus Prime
Retro Sector, 2nd Quadrant


Dear Inquisitor Psychobilly

Armored Limos were banned from the Space Empire in the Second Age after it was found that dangerous Xenos Cults were using them as transportation.

Immediately kill your shouf- cheau- chauph- DRIVER and then yourself for heresy.

Yours vengefully
Teh Space Emporer of Space


Dear Commander in Chief Teh

Last month when me and the boys from Assault Squad #33 (GO DOUBLE TRIOS! HURR!) was killing some wussy cultists on Chisei Prime I stopped off and got this wicked cool tat to celebrate my victory. It's kind of like like an X but like with lines through it and the guy even put in some blood drops to make all cool and stuff.

Well like that must be my lucky charm cause ever since the I'm been hitting harder, charging faster, and my Kill Rating is through the roof. I told some of my buddies and they got the same tat so now like the Double Trios are rocking the house yo!

So like, do you think I should keep this just to us or should I tell the captain. Cause like it's nice being the stars but like if the whole chapter went out and got this tat, WHOA MOMMMA! We'd be like awesome and stuff. I mean we're awesome now but you know. More awesome. Awesomer.

We could even put it on our chapter banner, y'know as a good luck charm.

What do you think?

Battle Brother Harn
Assault Squad #33
Chapter #210 - The Emperors 9mm UZIs
Go 9 mils! HURR!


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/06 20:55:05


Post by: yeri


dear brother Harn
you are a dimwited idiot and the inquisiton is coming for you!! stay where you are and do not atempt to flee you will be terminated for the beterment of the imperium. as a very smart man said long ago "if your eye causes you to sin cut it out. tis better to be in heven without your eye then to burn in hell with it." if you get my point, but it will probably not help you if you cut off your arm your screwed in my view.
wishing you well
the sentient dust of Malcador th- i mean the Emperor



dear dad
today i woke up for the first time since the horus thing and the watcher brought me the local paper and something bothered me, the largest section was the religion section, it was half the paper. whatever happened to the imperial truth thing, seriously did logar come crawling back to you and you were to weak to say no. i mean come on you were the one who championed science and reason over logars cockamamey religion and superstition. so i will just sit here and wait for your answer seriously i cant get back to sleep Luther will not shut up i keep knocking on the wall but that only makes him shout louder. seriously he keeps screaming that i will forgive him and i tell him i forgive him but then he just get louder.
awake for now
Lion El'Jonson


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/08 09:36:42


Post by: Kilkrazy


dear dad
today i woke up for the first time since the horus thing and the watcher brought me the local paper and something bothered me, the largest section was the religion section, it was half the paper. whatever happened to the imperial truth thing, seriously did logar come crawling back to you and you were to weak to say no. i mean come on you were the one who championed science and reason over logars cockamamey religion and superstition. so i will just sit here and wait for your answer seriously i cant get back to sleep Luther will not shut up i keep knocking on the wall but that only makes him shout louder. seriously he keeps screaming that i will forgive him and i tell him i forgive him but then he just get louder.
awake for now
Lion El'Jonson


Dear Lion,

As you know Religion is the Opiate of the Masses and the Galaxy contains many masses who desperately need the consolation of religion in these dark times.

Not to mention that ignorant people are more likely to damage delicate equipment than use it for its proper purposes. Why, only a couple of issues ago I had a letter from some badly spoken young peasant on Armageddon, who was fiddling with some machinery and managed to do himself harm. Not doubt he was a perfectly loyal Imperial subject, but he fiddled with things beyond his limited comprehension and paid the price. It’s best to leave science and engineering to the specialists.

So I like to see plenty of religious stuff going out. It distracts people from meddling in matters they don’t understand. I don’t write it myself, of course, it’s all done by my Computron®8000 Scribomat and created perfectly scientifically.

I suggest you try to put these issues to one side and take up a hobby. Writing poetry concentrates the mind. I am sure you will be able to create some marvelously evocative verses based on your experience and personality.

Yours,

Teh Space Emporer





Dear Holy Emporer of Space,

Back in issue M41.328.997.675.P you had a question from a Chapter Master who needed to know a reliable method of distinguishing between Chaos Marines and true Spase Marines among his Chapter. That Chapter Master was not me but as I had the same problem I adopted your suggested solution.

Thus I have diligently followed your advice to inspect the Marines’ bases and pay particular attention to the colour of their rims.

Many of the Marines were inspired so much by my rim inspections that they started to do their own rim jobs. At odd times during lights out, morning prayers or battle drill, someone shouts “Prepare for a rimming, Sergeant!” Then it’s garrison robes up or combat trousers down, and nothing gets done for 15 minutes while they check each other out. In truth it is merely an expression of excess zeal by the lads and difficult to put a stop to without damaging morale.

Another problem is that Marines are often found not to have either brown or green rims, in fact most of them are red the morning after one of Victualler Infernus’s super-hot curry dinners.

In short, while the rimming system is without doubt the very best method of detecting Chaos you have ever suggested, I wonder if your Imperial Spaceness might have invented an even better one?

Yours ringingly,

Chapter Master Dubius Motivus


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/21 12:56:59


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Holy Emporer of Space,

Back in issue M41.328.997.675.P you had a question from a Chapter Master who needed to know a reliable method of distinguishing between Chaos Marines and true Spase Marines among his Chapter. That Chapter Master was not me but as I had the same problem I adopted your suggested solution.

Thus I have diligently followed your advice to inspect the Marines’ bases and pay particular attention to the colour of their rims.

Many of the Marines were inspired so much by my rim inspections that they started to do their own rim jobs. At odd times during lights out, morning prayers or battle drill, someone shouts “Prepare for a rimming, Sergeant!” Then it’s garrison robes up or combat trousers down, and nothing gets done for 15 minutes while they check each other out. In truth it is merely an expression of excess zeal by the lads and difficult to put a stop to without damaging morale.

Another problem is that Marines are often found not to have either brown or green rims, in fact most of them are red the morning after one of Victualler Infernus’s super-hot curry dinners.

In short, while the rimming system is without doubt the very best method of detecting Chaos you have ever suggested, I wonder if your Imperial Spaceness might have invented an even better one?

Yours ringingly,

Chapter Master Dubius Motivus


Dear CM Motivus

Well to tell the truth I always had a bit of trouble with that one. I mean, geeze the kid's name is ANGRON and he's bright red and has bat wings and like, I don't even think to have someone check his background? And don't even get me started on that Horus O'Heresy guy. So honestly, I just recommend you count up the skulls on the armor and anything more than 30 means toss them out the airlock.

Yours
The Emp

Dear the Ironest Snake of Them All,

Recently I was single-handedly killing off a gazillion or two Dark Space Elfs with the help of a dog and a clerk when the clerk started making remarks about how strong I am, and how brave I am, and how handsome I am.

I totally think she was coming on to me.

Now as a Space Marine of the Iron Snakes Chapter I of course feel only the filial love of my battle brothers. How can I let her down easily without breaking her heart.

Plus the dog kept humping my leg. How do I let him down?

Sincerely
Brother Prius,
Iron Snakes
"Our Snakes are as hard as Iron! Hurr!"


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/21 14:30:23


Post by: Gitzbitah


Dear the Ironest Snake of Them All,

Recently I was single-handedly killing off a gazillion or two Dark Space Elfs with the help of a dog and a clerk when the clerk started making remarks about how strong I am, and how brave I am, and how handsome I am.

I totally think she was coming on to me.

Now as a Space Marine of the Iron Snakes Chapter I of course feel only the filial love of my battle brothers. How can I let her down easily without breaking her heart.

Plus the dog kept humping my leg. How do I let him down?

Sincerely
Brother Prius,
Iron Snakes
"Our Snakes are as hard as Iron! Hurr!"




Dear Prius,

I will lead with the good. Congratulations on slaughtering the pathetic, dark and twisty Spaze Elfs. I find myself surprised at your lack of devotion, however. Any true Spaze Marine (Hurr) would not have needed any assistance with such a small number of foes. It is no surprise that I find you so inept with matters of the heart.

What you mistook as attempts to come on to you are in fact thinly disguised attempts at heresy. Anyone preventing you from being at a constant state of attention must be stopped. Such utterances waste your time and divert your attentions from the task at hand. You must bring this situation to its logical climax.

That goes double for Fido Fidelius. Prove that when a Spaze Marein gets humped, they hump back!

Once that is accomplished, feed them to the eels you Iron Snakes are so fond of and let them eat their feel of the scrumptuous young clerk and the inexperienced but curious dog.

In me we trust,
Teh Spaziest of Emperahs


Dear Space Emperor,

During the long, grimdark nights, I've found myself longing for something more than the comforting feel of an intimately familiar plasma gun. I was talking to a Brother from the Doom Eagles, and he claimed that there were once female Spaze Marines, or Space Marinas as he called them. I couldn't pick too many specifics out of his emo ramblings, but there seemed to be a nugget of truth in his whining.

Where there ever female Spze marine (a?)s? If so, what happened to them?

Lonely,
Brother Homer Oticus

P.S. Do you have their Astrapathica numbers?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/21 15:45:00


Post by: Canaan


Dear Space Emperor,

During the long, grimdark nights, I've found myself longing for something more than the comforting feel of an intimately familiar plasma gun. I was talking to a Brother from the Doom Eagles, and he claimed that there were once female Spaze Marines, or Space Marinas as he called them. I couldn't pick too many specifics out of his emo ramblings, but there seemed to be a nugget of truth in his whining.

Where there ever female Spze marine (a?)s? If so, what happened to them?

Lonely,
Brother Homer Oticus

P.S. Do you have their Astrapathica numbers?


Homer,
Is the intimate feeling of your plasma gun I blessed you with not enough? It had better be!
The Ordo Removus Testicles was once a proud chapter of Spaze Marinas. However in the battle of sub-sector 11.23.45.987896.23 they were allied with the Spaze Puppies. After the battle the Matron showed the ole Russies the technique of Neuteralis Supremus. Lets just say that was the last we heard from that chapter. I heard that particular band of Russies now belong to the honor guard of the Terra Prime Interior Decorators. Go figure.

Always watching Creepily
~Teh $paze Empz

Dear Your Uberness,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Emperor Class Titan Replica Lolipop?
Wandering Willy
-13th Regiment of Cadia's Toddler Division


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/21 15:53:16


Post by: oomiestompa


Brother Homer Oticus wrote:
Dear Space Emperor,

During the long, grimdark nights, I've found myself longing for something more than the comforting feel of an intimately familiar plasma gun. I was talking to a Brother from the Doom Eagles, and he claimed that there were once female Spaze Marines, or Space Marinas as he called them. I couldn't pick too many specifics out of his emo ramblings, but there seemed to be a nugget of truth in his whining.

Where there ever female Spze marine (a?)s? If so, what happened to them?

Lonely,
Brother Homer Oticus

P.S. Do you have their Astrapathica numbers?


Dear Brudda H.,

There indeed used to be female Spaze Marienz. In fact, there was a whole Legion! They were officially named as the Aquamarinas, though they were amongst the other Legions as the Spacie M's. And let me tell you, they were crazy. Not like Daemonette crazy. But, you know. Crazy.

And that was the problem. The Spaze Marienz and Spacie M's all carried my DNA which makes them like brothers and sisters. We had to purge the most egregious offenders, although most of the Emporer's Chilluns got away. To keep the surviving Spacie M's in check, I had to change their battle gear to male armor and station them close to me where I could keep my eye on them. That's right, the Adeptus Custodes are all female. And now you know. So now I have to kill you.

Your pal,

The Arch-Arsonist of Terra


Dear so-called "God-Emperor of Man",

I'm calling you out! You're neither a god nor an emperor! You're probably just a scribe on the 34th floor of a hive somewhere, penning these out to keep the masses happy. The "God-Emperor" doesn't exist! It's just a symbol the High Lords use to keep us in line while they tell horror stories about 4 bogeymen and their daemonic minions. "Oh, you better do what the G-E says, or Khorne'll get you!" they say. Bull pie! You don't exist, the chaos gods don't exist, Khaine, Vaul, and all those gods don't exist, Gork and Mork don't exist, Ethereals don't exist, the Hive Mind doesn't exist, and C'Tan don't exist! Stop lying to us! Let the truth be known!

Hatin' on deities,
John Smith
Allied Atheist Alliance


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/22 14:34:50


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear so-called "God-Emperor of Man",

I'm calling you out! You're neither a god nor an emperor! You're probably just a scribe on the 34th floor of a hive somewhere, penning these out to keep the masses happy. The "God-Emperor" doesn't exist! It's just a symbol the High Lords use to keep us in line while they tell horror stories about 4 bogeymen and their daemonic minions. "Oh, you better do what the G-E says, or Khorne'll get you!" they say. Bull pie! You don't exist, the chaos gods don't exist, Khaine, Vaul, and all those gods don't exist, Gork and Mork don't exist, Ethereals don't exist, the Hive Mind doesn't exist, and C'Tan don't exist! Stop lying to us! Let the truth be known!

Hatin' on deities,
John Smith
Allied Atheist Alliance



By glorious design, definitely not mistake, two questions have been proffered to the Spase Emporer at one time.

Fear not, readers. His Imperial Majesty can easily handle as many questions as may be submitted, and deigns to answer both.





Dear John Smith,

Clearly you live on some backwards planet where you can’t get TriD Video, or you would have seen my recent appearance on “I’m a Spase Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!”

I beat all the bush tucker challenges, won all the bonus meals, and impregnated two female celebs -- one of whom was well beyond her child-bearing years.

How is this possible? Because I am the Spase Emporer!

In order to supply you with proof, a tape recording has been despatched to you by special messenger of the Ordo Hereticus. Please make sure to stay at home as you will be required to sign for it.

I will shortly be appearing on “Good Morning, Teh Spase Galaxy” to talk about my recent triumph and my forthcoming book of Emporial Wisdom.


Teh Bush Emporer





Dear Your Uberness,

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Emperor Class Titan Replica Lolipop?

Wandering Willy
-13th Regiment of Cadia's Toddler Division



Dear Toddler Willy,

Thank you for your interesting question. The answer is 42 unless you are a Spase Marien, when you can do it in 12. I could do it in one of course.

I hope you will enjoy the Imperial Infantryman’s Uplifting Primer, pop-up edition, of which I have caused 10 million copies to be supplied to Cadia for the instruction of the toddling classes. The covers are bound in Kevlar, and the ink forms a valuable dietary supplement in times of serious rationing.

Yours in Imporialness.



Dear Majestic Vision of Spase,

There is this totally hot girl at the officeorium where I work. Every time I see her in line for coffee, wearing an elegant yet sassy combo of tight dress, boots and a leather jacket or some such get-up, my thoughts drift away from my assigned duties.

I do not even know her name, and I dare not approach her lest my wife find out.

Do you think my choice of office wear is appropriate for an Imperial Praetor? I am worried that I may be showing VPL, especially when I wear my high heels, and it may harm my chances for promotion.

Yours in worry and hope,


Horatio Hornbag



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/22 15:45:33


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Majestic Vision of Spase,

There is this totally hot girl at the officeorium where I work. Every time I see her in line for coffee, wearing an elegant yet sassy combo of tight dress, boots and a leather jacket or some such get-up, my thoughts drift away from my assigned duties.

I do not even know her name, and I dare not approach her lest my wife find out.

Do you think my choice of office wear is appropriate for an Imperial Praetor? I am worried that I may be showing VPL, especially when I wear my high heels, and it may harm my chances for promotion.

Yours in worry and hope,


Horatio Hornbag


PAH! PAH! I say, PAH! and FIE!

Do you think I conquered the entire Space Universe by sitting around dithering about what others would think or whether or not my SOLID GOLD armor made me look fat?

NIE!

I siezed the moment like a REAL MAN!

But I see the bloodline of man has grown faint in the past 10 millennia without my fertile loins to replenish it continuiously. Therefore I shall aid thee in thine quest with the office Hawtie. Thee and thine provocatively dressed strumpet have both been assigned to the 135th Redemption Brigade in the Hopeless Warzone. I have even arranged for you to share a bunk for the whole of your 3 day lifespan (estimated) there.

Carpe Diem young Horatio, carpe diem.

Emperor O'Mankind

Dear Boss Emp,

I dunno if you remember me, I wrote you a couple of weeks about about this boss tatoo I got. Well like, just after a wrote you this guy with this hood and big I on it his head busts in and drags me from my bunk just I was gonna light a candle on this way cool alter of skulls I built. Well he goes and lops my arms off (sorry for the hand writing, I'm using my mouth) and my legs and says I have to spend the rest of my life licking the floors of the fortress monestary.

So I'm like, huh? I mean I'm totally a hero of the imperium! what's up with that? I mean I risk my life and fight battle all over the universe and I'm fired over a lousy tatoo? #$$^! taht! And $%^# you you @#$%ing FALSE EMPEROR! You suck! Horus was right! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!

Sincerely
Battle Brother Harn (ret)
The Emperors 9mm Uzis
"Go 9 mils! Hurr!"




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/24 00:18:28


Post by: Orlanth


Dear Boss Emp,

I dunno if you remember me, I wrote you a couple of weeks about about this boss tatoo I got. Well like, just after a wrote you this guy with this hood and big I on it his head busts in and drags me from my bunk just I was gonna light a candle on this way cool alter of skulls I built. Well he goes and lops my arms off (sorry for the hand writing, I'm using my mouth) and my legs and says I have to spend the rest of my life licking the floors of the fortress monestary.

So I'm like, huh? I mean I'm totally a hero of the imperium! what's up with that? I mean I risk my life and fight battle all over the universe and I'm fired over a lousy tatoo? #$$^! taht! And $%^# you you @#$%ing FALSE EMPEROR! You suck! Horus was right! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!

Sincerely
Battle Brother Harn (ret)
The Emperors 9mm Uzis
"Go 9 mils! Hurr!"



Dear Servitor formerly known as Battle Brother Harn.

They left you your mouth, under full original synaptic control. Thankyou for bringing this to our attention, medicae will fix this problem in the morning.

Bye

Teh Emporer of Spase

P.S. Dont forget to clean right into the corners.




Dear Teh Spase Emporer

How many Inquisitors does it take to screw in as light bulb?

Timmy


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/24 19:33:57


Post by: oomiestompa


Dear Teh Spase Emporer

How many Inquisitors does it take to screw in as light bulb?

Timmy


Dear Timmy,

Zero. That's what cherubim, acolytes, combat servitors, etc. are there for, currently. When the 5th edition Inquisition codex comes out though, we might get an answer to your question. Sneak Peek: it's one. (Blasted Ork emoticons! My computron must have been virus bombed again!)

T h e S p a c e E m :Sp or er

Dear Space Boss,

I'm sick about rapping about big butts and putting things on the glass. I tried branching out once - I made an album with The High Lords of the Imperial Autocracies of Pusa IV - but to say it was unsuccessful would be an understatement. It seems like no one will listen to me unless I rhyme about booties. Do you have any advice on how I can change my image?

Battle Brother Mix-a-Lot
Space Emcees chapter


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/25 15:25:29


Post by: Kilkrazy



Dear Space Boss,

I'm sick about rapping about big butts and putting things on the glass. I tried branching out once - I made an album with The High Lords of the Imperial Autocracies of Pusa IV - but to say it was unsuccessful would be an understatement. It seems like no one will listen to me unless I rhyme about booties. Do you have any advice on how I can change my image?

Battle Brother Mix-a-Lot
Space Emcees chapter




Dear BB Mix-a-Lot,

You should fire out some minimalistic ideas at speed, ripping through a hypnotic varying mellow harmonic beating note with hard beats, harsh tones and raucous rhythms all dispatched without a care.

Build up innovative beats and rhyme schemes into many layers, using molten, fluid metal with hot electronic grooves.

Hold together everything with superb drum sequencing and put a super-cool funky guitar break in the middle.

If that seems like too much work, just do a cover of Abba’s “Dancing Queen.” It was always popular at Spase Marien parties in the good old days. Make sure to use a glitter ball in the video. They love that.

Phatty Spase Beatz to the max!11!!!


Space Emp.





Dear Teh Space Emporer,

I have heard that your Golden Space Throne is making some funny noises and is overdue for its 7 million light year maintenance check.

You should not have neglected the service plan! Something always goes wrong. The maintenance contract is where they get you on the finance -- believe me, I know. But us oldsters can afford to splurge on the best medical care. You can’t take it with you, you know.

Anyway, the reason for my letter is that if you want to borrow my Zip-a-long chair for a bit, just ask. It's very comfy and you can control all the functions with one hand. I won’t be needing it for a week or two, as I’ve got to go for my rejuvenation treatments. You can get your Throne serviced and send my chair back later.

Don’t bother about thanks. Us elder statesmen have got to stick together in these grimdark™ times.

Yours for ever,


The Space Pope



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/11/30 14:52:58


Post by: Orlanth


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

I have heard that your Golden Space Throne is making some funny noises and is overdue for its 7 million light year maintenance check.

You should not have neglected the service plan! Something always goes wrong. The maintenance contract is where they get you on the finance -- believe me, I know. But us oldsters can afford to splurge on the best medical care. You can’t take it with you, you know.

Anyway, the reason for my letter is that if you want to borrow my Zip-a-long chair for a bit, just ask. It's very comfy and you can control all the functions with one hand. I won’t be needing it for a week or two, as I’ve got to go for my rejuvenation treatments. You can get your Throne serviced and send my chair back later.

Don’t bother about thanks. Us elder statesmen have got to stick together in these grimdark™ times.

Yours for ever,

The Space Pope

Dear 'The Space Pope'

Yes, the 7 million light year maintenance check. It is not due because my chair has laterally covered approximately 0 light years since I first sat in it. But if you are worried that I might use up some of my mileage please be aware that it will bring me to your borders easily enough with plenty of room to spare. So may I suggest at this juncture that you reconsider this third wave expansion you have been crowing about because I might decide to pay you a visit. So to quote the inestimable MC Hawking: "Don't make me get outa this chair, I'll pop you like a zit."
You see once you have mastered time and space for as long as I have you should eventually be able to tell the difference between the two.

Yours threateningly

De-Facto Ruler of the Galaxy.



Dear Teh Spase Emporer,

Sorry to disturb you again, but I am getting increassinly worried by the presense of an increasingly number of radical Inquisitors. Just last week one such heretic found some disloyal pro-xenos graffiti on a planets and decided as a precautionary measure to sanction a planetary exterminatus. Such pampered leniency, he made no effort to actually go down to the planet and scour every rock and bush and shoot everyone twice for good measure.
Every now and then the Inquisition seems to breed these left wing liberal wimps, now the holy order is rife with them.
Please advise.

Inquisitor Bigott


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/12/05 16:27:04


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Orlanth wrote:

Dear Teh Spase Emporer,

Sorry to disturb you again, but I am getting increassinly worried by the presense of an increasingly number of radical Inquisitors. Just last week one such heretic found some disloyal pro-xenos graffiti on a planets and decided as a precautionary measure to sanction a planetary exterminatus. Such pampered leniency, he made no effort to actually go down to the planet and scour every rock and bush and shoot everyone twice for good measure.
Every now and then the Inquisition seems to breed these left wing liberal wimps, now the holy order is rife with them.
Please advise.

Inquisitor Bigott


My most Loyal Servant,

I am SHOCKED, SHOCKED that any of my lackies would settle for bombing a planet from orbit. Why back in my younger days I would personally go down and kick ass and take names but these kids today... Lazy. That's what i call it.

Yours
Big Gold

My omnipotent and flawless master, salutations!

Great one, many years ago you appeared to me in a vision and with your flaming sword did carve your mission for me into the living stone of our world. Since that day I have carried the tablets you carved. I have devoted my life to your instructions. Over one million fanatics have flocked to my banner. We have convinced an Imperial Admiral and three trade houses to put their ships at our disposal and even the Governor has pledged his full support.

We are ready now to embark on your great crusade.

There is however one problem. Now doubt it is caused by our flawed minds attempting to interpret your words.

The problem is your instructions are "Destroy The Eldan" but no one here seems to know who the 'Eldan' are or where we might find them.

Some have suggested that perhaps the Eldan have already been destroyed an we can go home now. Mission accomplished.

And some, a few, have suggested that perhaps your mighty sword slipped, slightly, and you meant to carve the word 'Eldar' but obviously that cannot be as you are without flaw.

So please help your humble servants.

Sincerely
Prestor Johan, leader of the Eldan Exterminus Cursade


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/12/05 17:38:22


Post by: oomiestompa


Kid_Kyoto wrote:
My omnipotent and flawless master, salutations!

Great one, many years ago you appeared to me in a vision and with your flaming sword did carve your mission for me into the living stone of our world. Since that day I have carried the tablets you carved. I have devoted my life to your instructions. Over one million fanatics have flocked to my banner. We have convinced an Imperial Admiral and three trade houses to put their ships at our disposal and even the Governor has pledged his full support.

We are ready now to embark on your great crusade.

There is however one problem. Now doubt it is caused by our flawed minds attempting to interpret your words.

The problem is your instructions are "Destroy The Eldan" but no one here seems to know who the 'Eldan' are or where we might find them.

Some have suggested that perhaps the Eldan have already been destroyed an we can go home now. Mission accomplished.

And some, a few, have suggested that perhaps your mighty sword slipped, slightly, and you meant to carve the word 'Eldar' but obviously that cannot be as you are without flaw.

So please help your humble servants.

Sincerely
Prestor Johan, leader of the Eldan Exterminus Cursade


Dear James,

The Eldan are a popular music troupe from Virgo 9. I'm really surprised you haven't heard of them; they're really big in your sector. Anyway, they were originally called The Eldar, but Eldrad filed a lawsuit, and they had to change their name. So they wouldn't have to reprint all of their soundotron covers and t-shirts and all that, they just turned the "r"s into "n"s with a magic marker. Therefore, their sins are threefold: 1) Trying to emulate a Xenos, 2) Obeying a Xenos, and 3) Sloth. Also, they suck.

You probably don't need a crusade. Maybe just get like 10 guys together to jump them after a show.

And get in the loop, eh? I'll send you a mixtron.

Teh Spase Emporer, Emperor of Space Records


Dear TSE,

I have a few weeks of vacation time coming after working all year down at Big Roy's Titan Parts and Repair Shop on Forgeworld Bern II. I want to take the wife and kids on a nice trip. Do you have any modestly priced vacation recommendations for us? It's summer here.

Fred Vicoyan
Titan Ventilation and Air Conditioning Specialist


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/12/06 23:45:02


Post by: 1hadhq




Dear TSE,

I have a few weeks of vacation time coming after working all year down at Big Roy's Titan Parts and Repair Shop on Forgeworld Bern II. I want to take the wife and kids on a nice trip. Do you have any modestly priced vacation recommendations for us? It's summer here.

Fred Vicoyan
Titan Ventilation and Air Conditioning Specialist




Dear Fred,

i do remember big roy and is prices very well, so i recommend you to check in at Ad mech station 34-b-57-29-0-f where my
honest friends of the cult of the machine will transfer you to armageddon. There is a lot of summer going on at the moment and
it makes me happy to send you on a visit with magos eli zackzack at mobile repair factorium beta-34-omega-7 .
The vacation is totally free and you get a lot of entertainment with those "how to check a warlords movement activators in 2 h" and
"why should i always recite the prayer of coolness when working on the plasma core" and some other workshops I wholeheartedly
suppose you to go.Don't miss that!

yours, the always well ventilated emporer.




Venerated father ,

we, your lost son ferrus trusty iron hands, are in doubt. Never have we faltered in battle or given any mercy.
But now we have to ask: why are we forgotten in the Imperium ?
Those weakling boyscouts in blue didn't mention our legion in the codex astartes. Everyone is attracted by other so-called-space marines and we don't even get a hero of our chapter as idol to follow (SC). What did we to receive such fate?

your humble augmetic servant,
brother dreadnought 4- 56- 8

sorry forgot my real name










Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/12/09 10:48:03


Post by: Orlanth


Venerated father ,

we, your lost son ferrus trusty iron hands, are in doubt. Never have we faltered in battle or given any mercy.
But now we have to ask: why are we forgotten in the Imperium ?
Those weakling boyscouts in blue didn't mention our legion in the codex astartes. Everyone is attracted by other so-called-space marines and we don't even get a hero of our chapter as idol to follow (SC). What did we to receive such fate?

your humble augmetic servant,
brother dreadnought 4- 56- 8

sorry forgot my real name




My dear loyal 4- 56- 8,

I am very sorry that my scribes have ommitted your illustrious chapter from the current annals. we will fix this blighted ommission immediately in the mean time putting back Codex Dark Eldar a further two years. This should be time enough to do a really good job (sic) on Codex Iron Hands.

Venerated dad




To: "Teh Spase Emporer"
Re: Crap Rules

Why dont we all just give up this nonsense and play Battletech instead?

Victor Steiner-Davion.





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/12/09 14:18:29


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


To: "Teh Spase Emporer"
Re: Crap Rules

Why dont we all just give up this nonsense and play Battletech instead?

Victor Steiner-Davion.


Battletech? Battletech? Yeah cause when I'm playing the game of GIANT ROBOTS HITTING EACH OTHER, there's nothing I like more than keeping track of the heat put out buy each weapon and determining if it had enough heat sinks to offset that!

Here's a clue for you 'realism boy' if we're talking about space-faring cultures that can build fusion reactors, FTL drives and giant robots, they are NOT going to settle disputes by having giant robots (which would sink into the ground with each set ANYWAY) out to HIT EACH OTHER. They're going to settle thing by hitting buttons from a thousand miles away and letting long range missiles and drones do the job. Your mechs would be slag before they got within 1000 clicks of the target.

At least you don't see me pretending my universe makes sense!

Emp out!

Dear our master and CEO Mr. O'Mankind,

I am writing to you for some advice on employee relations. Recently it became necessary to discipline one of our floor-licking servitors. He has been complaining incessently about what he sees as injustice and a lack of... corn? I don't understand his ravings to tell the truth. However he is quite popular with the other servitors and even some chapter thrawls so I worry that in disciplining him I might hurt morale in the section.

How can I disipline this 'Harn' without hurting the well-being of the work unit?

Sincerely
Tech-Adept Huffington
Battle Barge "Divine Full Auto Burst"
Emperors 9mm Uzis


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2008/12/14 07:24:47


Post by: Imperial


My son the only way is to go to wal mart and buy as much corn then your servitor shall be happy and you will all be happy, but I require a sacrifice of corn so buy corn

Dear space emperor
Which should I buy a new space marine tank , 38 comic books or some heroclix?

From your servant
Volthoom the warlord of Borkagon


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/01/25 20:35:26


Post by: Lordhat


Volthoom the warlord of Borkagon, I WOULD say the Space Marine Tank, but that would imply that the Sapce Marine would SELL their Tank.

Instead I suggest you buy stock in Freddie Macragge; The Imperial Housing sector is better than ever!


Dear Holiest of Holies,

How can I tell a dead Necron from a live one?

-Tactical Marine with flamer #233756473867564


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/01/28 03:30:47


Post by: chaplaingrabthar


Brother #233756473867564, all Necrons are dead. but the truly dead ones are the ones not currently shooting at you

Yours from the Golden Crapper,
Allfather

Dear Most Venerated and Worshipful Ancestor,

Lately I've been having strange stirrings in my codpiece area whenever I am requisitioned to fight alongside the sistren of the Adeptus Sororitas. These feelings frighten and confuse me, as the last time such strrings occurred was in the Scout company whenever Asmodai was present.

Dark Angel in pwetty White Dress

PS. Can you smell what the Rock is cooking? It's awful


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/01/28 03:58:50


Post by: lifeafter


Dear Dark Angel in pwetty White Dress,

These feelings you feel near the Soritas are most disturbing indeed. I distinctly made your made your Primarch very very not attracted to women. Fear not your memories of attraction to Asmodai, for that was how I intended you to be. Rather, this bodes very badly for the Sororitas. I will have to appear to their Sister Superior in a vision and have her perform a ritual "ball" check of all members. I suspect this sistren that you've been fighting against is not all "she" appears to be.

Hugs and Kisses,

The Owner of the top 10 Pac-Man Scores of all time.


Dear Guy Who's Throne's so Bling, Slanesh thinks it's tacky,

My Brother Sgt has a really receding hairline, but still insists on going into battle with his helmet off. This usually wouldn't be a problem, but he's got a terrible comb over that he spends 5 hours geling into place. Some of the other guys in the squad want to tell him to give up the fight, but anytime anyone hints at it, he gets pissy, acts like he doesn't know what we're talking about and makes us run laps. Do you know how many laps it takes for an Astartes to start to feel punished!?! I'm sick of looking at this guys head! If I put my Helmet's Vision on any other spectrum his gel radiates like a sun. And forget being able to pick up chicks during R&R...

What should we do?

Yours Faithfully,
Frustrated on Macragge



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/01/30 22:34:18


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear Guy Who's Throne's so Bling, Slanesh thinks it's tacky,

My Brother Sgt has a really receding hairline, but still insists on going into battle with his helmet off. This usually wouldn't be a problem, but he's got a terrible comb over that he spends 5 hours geling into place. Some of the other guys in the squad want to tell him to give up the fight, but anytime anyone hints at it, he gets pissy, acts like he doesn't know what we're talking about and makes us run laps. Do you know how many laps it takes for an Astartes to start to feel punished!?! I'm sick of looking at this guys head! If I put my Helmet's Vision on any other spectrum his gel radiates like a sun. And forget being able to pick up chicks during R&R...

What should we do?

Yours Faithfully,
Frustrated on Macragge



Holy Me!


If I had a credit for every time some Space Marnie or someone wrote in and complained about half-bald Spaec Mairesns, I would be sitting on a throne of solid gold. Hang on...

Anyway, there are only two types of real Spase Mairens, the bald, shouty ones and the shouty ones wearing helmets. No-one can tell they are shouting because you can’t see their mouths, obviously.

If any Spsae Mnarine has got his helmet off and isn’t bald, he probably isn’t a proper Spaes Marien.

Does this guy even have a helmet? What colour is it? Don’t tell me it’s purple.

Anyway, get him a helmet and make him wear it. That’s better than half-bald and combed over, or “barcoded” as I call it.

Everyone knows the glitter off a half-bald head makes it easy for Eldar snipers to zero in on you.

And make sure to check the colour of his rim. You never know, he could be a Chaos Marien. They are always shouting and stuff and there’s almost nothing to tell them apart from the real Sapce Marinens, except for the colour of their rims.

Oh wait, don’t forget the Pretty Marines. When they shout, they lisp. And they always have nice hair. You are OK with them so don’t worry about their rims. I just don’t want you getting mixed up about it.

Yours stentorially,


L’Empereur de l’Espace






Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Recently there have been a lot of stories circulating about the new stuff that enemies are getting, such as Ork Stompas, Ork Battlewagons, Ork this, Ork that and Ork the other.

To be honest I’m a bit fed up. It’s not fair for any aliens, xenos, Chaos, Daemons, mutants, heretics, psykers, and everyone who is against you, to get any new stuff before the loyal Imperial armies get something.

And when I say the loyal Imperial armies, you know I mean Space Mariens.

So, please, mighty Emporer and father of all Mareins! Please will you make the next five codexes be Marnies codexes?

We haven’t had Space Wolves yet, and then we need Space Sharks, then Ultramariens could do with an update, then Dark Templars, then Imporial Fists, then Vanilla Mariens, then Urtlramarnies. I am sure you can think of some more.

With much Luv’n’Devotion...


Marneus Calgar
Ultramarine Primus

PS: It’s OK if you just do Utralmrieans. No-one cares about the others, really.




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/05 11:43:21


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Recently there have been a lot of stories circulating about the new stuff that enemies are getting, such as Ork Stompas, Ork Battlewagons, Ork this, Ork that and Ork the other.

To be honest I’m a bit fed up. It’s not fair for any aliens, xenos, Chaos, Daemons, mutants, heretics, psykers, and everyone who is against you, to get any new stuff before the loyal Imperial armies get something.

And when I say the loyal Imperial armies, you know I mean Space Mariens.

So, please, mighty Emporer and father of all Mareins! Please will you make the next five codexes be Marnies codexes?

We haven’t had Space Wolves yet, and then we need Space Sharks, then Ultramariens could do with an update, then Dark Templars, then Imporial Fists, then Vanilla Mariens, then Urtlramarnies. I am sure you can think of some more.

With much Luv’n’Devotion...


Marneus Calgar
Ultramarine Primus

PS: It’s OK if you just do Utralmrieans. No-one cares about the others, really.

Dear Quadrapelegic who employs a half-space Elf psyker,

Betcha thought I didn't know that did you? Well the Spase Emp knows, all sees all, and he ain't falling for your whole Ultramarine white-wash. I know your whole chapter is like half a step from heresy. And speaking of heresy where were you guys when Horus was stirring up trouble huh? Betcha you'd hate for that to get out.

So my point is, if you want logistics, join the Imperial Guard, Marines make do.

Big E

Dear the Space Emperor,

Hey it's Bob Grossman here, of Bob Grossman's Sporting Goods and Space Marine Emporium. We're a small family-owned and operated outfit that's been serving the Middle-Galactic West's sporting goods and space marine needs since M37.

I like to think that a small chapter like ours can provide the kind of personalized, friendly service you don't get from those big corporate chapters.

Well you see I just got a call from one of those chapters, let's just call them Big Blue. Now Big Blue is looking to expand and they've offered to buy me out. Bob Grossman's Sporting Goods and Space Marine Emporium would become another Big Blue franchise and I'd turn from being a chapter master to a company captain.

Now with the economy going the way it is ever since the collapse in the price of Franklin Mint Collector's Plates there's certainly some security to be found from joining Big Blue. Plus I know if I turn them down they'll just open up a Fortress Monastary down the road and undercut me.

And I gotta say my 2nd wife is pretty excited about me getting a shinny new suit of terminator armor and a new Land Raider to replace that beater I'm driving now.

But like my 3rd wife says, she married a Chapter Master, not a Company Captain in some big impersonal corporate chapter, and a man has to have his pride.

So what do you think Big Guy? Should I sell out or keep trying to go it alone?

Bob Grossman
President, CEO and Chapter Master of
Bob Grossman's Sporting Goods and Space Marine Emporium



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/10 05:40:21


Post by: lifeafter


Dear the Space Emperor,

Hey it's Bob Grossman here, of Bob Grossman's Sporting Goods and Space Marine Emporium. We're a small family-owned and operated outfit that's been serving the Middle-Galactic West's sporting goods and space marine needs since M37.

I like to think that a small chapter like ours can provide the kind of personalized, friendly service you don't get from those big corporate chapters.

Well you see I just got a call from one of those chapters, let's just call them Big Blue. Now Big Blue is looking to expand and they've offered to buy me out. Bob Grossman's Sporting Goods and Space Marine Emporium would become another Big Blue franchise and I'd turn from being a chapter master to a company captain.

Now with the economy going the way it is ever since the collapse in the price of Franklin Mint Collector's Plates there's certainly some security to be found from joining Big Blue. Plus I know if I turn them down they'll just open up a Fortress Monastary down the road and undercut me.

And I gotta say my 2nd wife is pretty excited about me getting a shinny new suit of terminator armor and a new Land Raider to replace that beater I'm driving now.

But like my 3rd wife says, she married a Chapter Master, not a Company Captain in some big impersonal corporate chapter, and a man has to have his pride.

So what do you think Big Guy? Should I sell out or keep trying to go it alone?

Bob Grossman
President, CEO and Chapter Master of
Bob Grossman's Sporting Goods and Space Marine Emporium



Bob,

I've been meaning to talk to you for quite some time about your business plan/chapter philosophy. Now, as a Space Emperor, I am both fair and just. I love all my armies, especially space marienz, because they're the bestest, but some marienz are better than others. Take for instance Big Blue marienz. They're big, they're blue, and they're marienz. They're super ultra. Their paint goes on in one coat and everybody recognizes them. And that's the point right there bob. When's the last time you went to a western rim marienz convention and had someone recognize your army... I can answer that for you because I'm the space emperor, it's never. No, instead you're constantly telling all the onlooking denizens of the local hive that you're army isn't actually Salamanders, but a DIY, local job that just happens to be green. You point out that you alternate green and black striping on the left kneepad and that that distinguishes you sd Bob Grossman's Sporting Goods and Space Marine Emporium, but the 14 year olds aren't listening. You even hand out print outs of your chapter's background, but no one's reading them, Bob. They're all drooling over Big Blue, and I'm right there with them.

Bob, I also gotta tell you that I'm worried about how you fit your chapter name on your banners when its 55 characters long, including spaces. I'm the fething space emperor and I can only fit 12 characters on mine. Everyone knows that you're not real space marienz unless you have a bald screaming sergeant with personal heraldry. If you're going to pimp the heraldy, you darn well better put your name on for some chapter love, unless of course you still want everyone to think you're playing salamaders.

Go for the name recognition, Bob. Last time I held out over a hostile takeover I ended up stuck on the can for 10,000 years. Just roll with it. If your wife complains, tell her she's lucky you can't order in an orbital bombardment any more. Besides, you get to be blue!

I'd say I hope this help, but I already know it did.

Yours Truly:
The Director of Macragge Board of Trustees,
President of the Blue Paint with Gold Trim Corporation,
and Chairmen of the Letter "U" Council,
Teh Space Emperor




Dear Teh Space Emperor,

I was recently promoted to Gunner of a Landspeeder and I find that I sometimes don't agree with my sgt's choice of music. At first I thought ancient pre-unification Terra Rap was an interesting classical choice, but he listens to the same CD over and over and over again. It drives me so batty that I want to punch the cassette player, but then I'd piss off Brother-Mechanic Malacai in the motor pool and 80 hours of Whoop Der it Is beats a servo-arm up the rear. Seriously what should I do? The last time I brought up possibly changing the music, my brother-pilot drove my side of the speeder into trees for 45 minutes. Now, I know what you're thinking, there's no way that I could be blue marienz, but I am, 2nd company too, you know, gold trim, so I need special and super quick help on this one.

1994!,
A Helmeted Space Marein






Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/12 18:34:49


Post by: oomiestompa


Dear Teh Space Emperor,

I was recently promoted to Gunner of a Landspeeder and I find that I sometimes don't agree with my sgt's choice of music. At first I thought ancient pre-unification Terra Rap was an interesting classical choice, but he listens to the same CD over and over and over again. It drives me so batty that I want to punch the [/b]cassette player[/b], but then I'd piss off Brother-Mechanic Malacai in the motor pool and 80 hours of Whoop Der it Is beats a servo-arm up the rear. Seriously what should I do? The last time I brought up possibly changing the music, my brother-pilot drove my side of the speeder into trees for 45 minutes. Now, I know what you're thinking, there's no way that I could be blue marienz, but I am, 2nd company too, you know, gold trim, so I need special and super quick help on this one.

1994!,
A Helmeted Space Marein


Dear AHSM,

Aww, dude's got Whoop Der It Is on cassette disc? I've only heard rumors about how they combine the sound quality and ease of use of cassettes with the shape of compact discs! See if your driver or a Techmarine friend you know can make me a copy of that and send it my way. I think that's legal. Whoop Der It Is is almost 40,000 years old so it should be public domain by now, right? And see if you can get me some MC Malleus, too.

Oh, about your problem. Suck it up, hater. Your enemies are Xenos, Mutants, and Heretics. Not pre-unification Terran rappers.

Word to your Emporer


Dear Most Holey of Holies,

A while back, a local Imperial Guard Commander's 10 year old son stole his father's Chimera and took it on a joy ride. He crashed it, of course, but right in the middle of a chaos ritual! The foul warp energies converged on the boy and his vehicle, but now whenever he gets hot, he turns into a Chimera! We code-named him Chimera Child. My Sisters and I attempted to destroy this abomination, but every time we shot at him, he turned into a Chimera and shot us back. We'd use other guns, but I just sold off all of our Exorcists to upgrade all of our guns to some form of flamer or melta. Oh, the irony! And since the Commander won't lend us two guys with an Autocannon, Chimera Child has decimated the ranks of my Mission. Please, Emporer! Have mercy on us and send us a guy with a krak grenade or something!

Canoness Berdina
Order of the Flame-Based Weaponries


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/12 22:13:46


Post by: Kilkrazy


Dear Most Holey of Holies,

A while back, a local Imperial Guard Commander's 10 year old son stole his father's Chimera and took it on a joy ride. He crashed it, of course, but right in the middle of a chaos ritual! The foul warp energies converged on the boy and his vehicle, but now whenever he gets hot, he turns into a Chimera! We code-named him Chimera Child. My Sisters and I attempted to destroy this abomination, but every time we shot at him, he turned into a Chimera and shot us back. We'd use other guns, but I just sold off all of our Exorcists to upgrade all of our guns to some form of flamer or melta. Oh, the irony! And since the Commander won't lend us two guys with an Autocannon, Chimera Child has decimated the ranks of my Mission. Please, Emporer! Have mercy on us and send us a guy with a krak grenade or something!

Canoness Berdina
Order of the Flame-Based Weaponries



Dear Canoness Berdina,

Thank you so much for your letter. It is always a pleasure to hear from one of my daughters. I only wish I would receive more such letters as yours, many of the letters I receive are on quite mundane matters hardly appertaining to the serious business of war and conflict.

As you know, during my mortal life of nearly 40,000 years and my recent immortal life of 10,000 years, I have had the opportunity of fighting in some of the best and fiercest wars of history. I have always won, except on one occasion when my judgement was somewhat clouded by personal feelings -- I won’t go into the details -- even so, a loss can be a learning experience; the hardest lessons are the best learned!

I feel confident in saying that I can impart to you some modicum of military wisdom which will help you deal with the problem of which you write. For it is a military problem, not a social or psychological one!

As an accomplished leader of troops yourself you no doubt have considered many plans for dealing with the enemy. I will not insult your intelligence by reviewing all the basic options you must already have thought of and discarded as useless in the current situation. Instead, I will reveal to you a secret which I have learned from my many centuries of warfare. It is a secret which some of the best commanders of history know, such as the mighty Angry Marines, or Marneus Calgar of the Blue Marines, and indeed many renowned leaders of Imperial Guard and other forces too numerous to mention. I hesitate to add, but the truth cannot be concealed, that certain heretical or even xenos generals have chanced upon some basic elements of this military technique and used it to achieve some small, local and temporary victories against the weakest commanders of my mighty Imperium.

So, to the point! My advice to you is that at all costs and chances you must always be very careful to Use Tactics.

The very best of luck with your campaign!!!


Your everlovin’ Emporer

PS: Please write and let me know how you get on.



Dear the Space Emporer,

I work as a propaganda producer in your holy Officiorum Veritorum, producing uplifting vidcasts to reinforce the glorious message of your inevitable victory.

Naturally I do not dare to conceive the basic details of such holy messages myself. I merely do the technical organisation of the filming, editing, localisation into various languages and conversion to all Imperial video formats. The core content is specified by the Officiorum Veritorum Supremus, or the Marketing Department as we call them in low Gothic.

Sadly, it is near the end of the financial year and the Marketing Department have as usual overspent their budget so instead of commissioning work out of house to expensive agencies, they are allocating it to my department.

Naturally there is no budget available for music and so on, and everything must be done on the cheap. Even so, the Marketing Department expect it to have the same quality as an expensive production and be done more quickly because it is free.

My team resent having to punt out cheap trash because the Marketing guys peed away their budget on expensive crap, and we want something better to get our teeth into.

Do you have any advice?

Yours in hope,


Vidman Mike


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/13 16:04:47


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Kilkrazy wrote:
Dear the Space Emporer,

I work as a propaganda producer in your holy Officiorum Veritorum, producing uplifting vidcasts to reinforce the glorious message of your inevitable victory.

Naturally I do not dare to conceive the basic details of such holy messages myself. I merely do the technical organisation of the filming, editing, localisation into various languages and conversion to all Imperial video formats. The core content is specified by the Officiorum Veritorum Supremus, or the Marketing Department as we call them in low Gothic.

Sadly, it is near the end of the financial year and the Marketing Department have as usual overspent their budget so instead of commissioning work out of house to expensive agencies, they are allocating it to my department.

Naturally there is no budget available for music and so on, and everything must be done on the cheap. Even so, the Marketing Department expect it to have the same quality as an expensive production and be done more quickly because it is free.

My team resent having to punt out cheap trash because the Marketing guys peed away their budget on expensive crap, and we want something better to get our teeth into.

Do you have any advice?

Yours in hope,


Vidman Mike


Dear Vidman Mike

Budget? What are these budgets you speak of? I have but to snap my fingers and liveried servants will bring unto me sacks of gold coins. And I need never worry for my wealth is prudently invested in Ponzi Schemes, Franklin Mint Collector Plates, Albanian Junk Bonds and a clever scheme wherein I bet that very poor people can afford to buy large houses.

Perhaps if you learned from the wise financial advice of the Money for Space Noobies to Buy Collectorplates (MSNBC) network would not have such problems.

Yours Fiscally
The Man in Gold

Dear the Space Emperor:

After my successes in defeating an army of Dark Space Elfs in Space all by myself but for the assistance of a dog and a clerk (and to tell the truth the clerk didn't do that much) I have been transferred from Trouser Snake Company to the elite One-Eyes Snake Company.

While I love my Battle Brothers will all my two hearts I find one small problem. The One-Eyed Snakes love to ejaculate loudly.

Now I have been known to ejaculate loudly when entering a hole or penetrating the rear, I find it good for morale. But these One-Eyed Snakes will ejaculate loudly even when in their bunks or when applying sacred oil to their throbbing lances.

I find it disturbs me in ways I cannot explain.

How can I stop the One-Eyed Snakes from ejaculating loudly?

Sincerely
Thrustus Maximus
One-Eyed Snake Company
Chapter 823 - The Iron Snakes
"Our snakes are like iron! Hurr!"




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/13 17:07:44


Post by: P4NC4K3


Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Space Emperor:

After my successes in defeating an army of Dark Space Elfs in Space all by myself but for the assistance of a dog and a clerk (and to tell the truth the clerk didn't do that much) I have been transferred from Trouser Snake Company to the elite One-Eyes Snake Company.

While I love my Battle Brothers will all my two hearts I find one small problem. The One-Eyed Snakes love to ejaculate loudly.

Now I have been known to ejaculate loudly when entering a hole or penetrating the rear, I find it good for morale. But these One-Eyed Snakes will ejaculate loudly even when in their bunks or when applying sacred oil to their throbbing lances.

I find it disturbs me in ways I cannot explain.

How can I stop the One-Eyed Snakes from ejaculating loudly?

Sincerely
Thrustus Maximus
One-Eyed Snake Company
Chapter 823 - The Iron Snakes
"Our snakes are like iron! Hurr!"




Dear Brother Maximus,
Two things are needed for your Brothers
1) Ice
2) Boxing Gloves

Sincerely,
Teh Spase Emporer


Dear Teh Spase Emporer

I really love the imperium and all, but this REALLY hot Daemonette of Slaanesh moved in next door. She doesn't have a boyfriend as she sacrificed him, but I need to know, should I resist temptation?

Sincerely,
Beguilus Easius

Citizen


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/13 17:23:33


Post by: dietrich


P4NC4K3 wrote:Dear Teh Spase Emporer

I really love the imperium and all, but this REALLY hot Daemonette of Slaanesh moved in next door. She doesn't have a boyfriend as she sacrificed him, but I need to know, should I resist temptation?

Sincerely,
Beguilus Easius
Citizen

Yes. The only way to be sure to resist temptation is to kill yourself, that way your soul will not be threatened with eternal damnation.


Dear the Spase Emporer:

I have a chronic itch in my groin area accompanied by a mild rash. Some of brothers do as well and refer to it as Guardsmen Itch. Is this a mild disease which I should just see the company medic about, or is this a sign of something like Nurgle's Pox? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Private Victor Tinactin
Tallarn 55th Regiment
Currently stationed on Maddenus IV


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/13 17:23:43


Post by: Gitzbitah


P4NC4K3 wrote:
Dear Brother Maximus,
Two things are needed for your Brothers
1) Ice
2) Boxing Gloves

Sincerely,
Teh Spase Emporer


Dear Teh Spase Emporer

I really love the imperium and all, but this REALLY hot Daemonette of Slaanesh moved in next door. She doesn't have a boyfriend as she sacrificed him, but I need to know, should I resist temptation?

Sincerely,
Beguilus Easius

Citizen


Dear Beguilus,

Sometimes, to make an egg you've got to crack a few omelettes. Yeah, that's right. I went there. It would be heresy not to wreck that hot Slaaneshi next door. Especially since it is heresy to live next to a Slaaneshi. Just, you know, make sure you're quick about it. You won't have your throbbing personal plasma pistol for long once my faithful Inquisitors catch up with you, and those Slaanesh creatures tend to have more than you bargain for. You ever hear about crabs? They are crabs! The worst case of CRABS INCARNATE!

Respect knuckles from,
Teh Spze Emporer



Oh most wise and merciful Emperor of Space,

I, Brother Larglutton of the most secretive of chapters (you know the one... 666?) have a question. I was recently detached to kill some dae.... Chaos Marines and worked with some members of the Holy Roses Marines Chapter. Their land raider smelled like fresh flowers, and they had somehow squeezed even more Space Marinez into it than we could! My 'Hurr' of joy quickly turned into a 'Huh?'. I always thought we were your favorites. Is it because we're all overweight? I've heard the rumors of Greyt Knights! You wouldn't keep a trim little figure after 1,000 years of service if you had to sit through a 666 course dinner each and every weekend! We need Landraiders of a new pattern... or at least with elastic waistbands. What can we do to get more marines in a landraider, my Emperor?


Sincerely,
Brother Larglutton of the Knights who are neither Black, nor White.

P.S.... Do you want some fried chicken? I do when I get stuck sitting anywhere for a few hours.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/13 20:12:14


Post by: oomiestompa


Oh! A Twofer!

Dear the Spase Emporer:

I have a chronic itch in my groin area accompanied by a mild rash. Some of brothers do as well and refer to it as Guardsmen Itch. Is this a mild disease which I should just see the company medic about, or is this a sign of something like Nurgle's Pox? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Private Victor Tinactin
Tallarn 55th Regiment
Currently stationed on Maddenus IV


Dear Private Tinactin,

Are you sure the 56th Regiment didn't just put some itching powder in your jock strap? No? You could try shining a lasgun on it. That's a good "soldier's remedy." If that doesn't work, aloeveramite medicates and soothes the skin, just don't overdo it or you might end up falling to Slannesh, if you know what I mean.

And if that doesn't work, just tell your friendly local Commisar. He'll take you to someone who'll help you out.

Boom!
No Error Space Emporer

Oh most wise and merciful Emperor of Space,

I, Brother Larglutton of the most secretive of chapters (you know the one... 666?) have a question. I was recently detached to kill some dae.... Chaos Marines and worked with some members of the Holy Roses Marines Chapter. Their land raider smelled like fresh flowers, and they had somehow squeezed even more Space Marinez into it than we could! My 'Hurr' of joy quickly turned into a 'Huh?'. I always thought we were your favorites. Is it because we're all overweight? I've heard the rumors of Greyt Knights! You wouldn't keep a trim little figure after 1,000 years of service if you had to sit through a 666 course dinner each and every weekend! We need Landraiders of a new pattern... or at least with elastic waistbands. What can we do to get more marines in a landraider, my Emperor?


Sincerely,
Brother Larglutton of the Knights who are neither Black, nor White.

P.S.... Do you want some fried chicken? I do when I get stuck sitting anywhere for a few hours.


Dear Brother Larglutton,

It sounds like you guys need to lose some weight. You should go on the Emporer's Excercise Plan! Purge the Heretic 20 times before breakfast, then Purge the Mutant 20 times before lunch, and finally Purge the Alien 20 times before dinner. If that doesn't work, Purge the Contents of Your Stomach after every meal. Just don't use a flamer or anything for that. You'll kill yourself. Anyway, you'll be fitting more Gray Nitez into your Land Raiders in no time.

The Space Emporer and Dietician


Dear Space Emporer,

My wife was nagging at me to get a job. She said I'm a pathetic human being because all I do is sit in a chair and eat psyker souls all day. But when I told her I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps, she left me! Please, Space Emporer! How do I get my wife back? (Preferably without leaving the chair. It is very comfortable, and there is a good Space American Football game on right now.)

Bart Allunger


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/13 20:36:49


Post by: dietrich


Dear Space Emporer,

My wife was nagging at me to get a job. She said I'm a pathetic human being because all I do is sit in a chair and eat psyker souls all day. But when I told her I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps, she left me! Please, Space Emporer! How do I get my wife back? (Preferably without leaving the chair. It is very comfortable, and there is a good Space American Football game on right now.)

Bart Allunger

Dear Bart -

Don't get her back. She's obvious some xenos-worshipping heretic. The Inquisition is being dispatched to cleanse her, and anything she may have tainted. Please don't move, they'll be at your home shortly with the cleansing flames. If your belief is strong, you have no reason to fear it. If you do fear it, it's because you're a heretic and the Imperium is better off without your kind.

Dear Spase Emporer,

One of my co-workers was using the Emporer's blessed machine shops for 'side projects' for others in the hive, but not collecting and paying the proper tithes to your worshipfulness. I clubbed him to death with a spanner for his heresy and betrayal. When I explained to the Arbites how I was forced to end his thieving life, the Arbites did not believe me and instead accussed me of stealing the Emporer's most blessed tools and selling them on the black market. Now the Arbites are chasing me, and I have fled into the Underhive to escape them. How could the blessed Spase Emporer's servants fail to recognize my obedience and instead accuse me of treachery? Should I continue to hide and peacefully spread the Word of the Spase Emporer, or are these Arbites heretics who have fallen from the light and in need of purging? Please give me a sign.

With fervent worship,
Zak Branigan
Leyla Hive
Frye's World VI


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/15 22:46:27


Post by: Cheese Elemental


Dear Zak,
You do realise that the Arbites check all mail that leaves your world?
Hope you get out of jail soon,
The Space Emperor

Dear Spess Empra,
the other Spess Mehreen ceptehns mahke fun of my speech impedehmehnt. I have had this problem evuh sence I was a child. The Blud Rehvens chaptuh is disgrehsed behcause of meh. How can I solve thes pruhblem?
Sensehrly, Inrick 'Spess Mehreen' Boreale.
.

(some people might not get it).


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/18 21:28:51


Post by: Kilkrazy


Cheese Elemental wrote:Dear Zak,
You do realise that the Arbites check all mail that leaves your world?
Hope you get out of jail soon,
The Space Emperor

Dear Spess Empra,
the other Spess Mehreen ceptehns mahke fun of my speech impedehmehnt. I have had this problem evuh sence I was a child. The Blud Rehvens chaptuh is disgrehsed behcause of meh. How can I solve thes pruhblem?
Sensehrly, Inrick 'Spess Mehreen' Boreale.
.

(some people might not get it).


Dear Inrick,

Just get angry and shout very loudly. That's what most Mariens commanders do.

Here's a picture to give you the idea.



It works even better if bits of spit and froth come out when you shout, so make sure to practice. If your mouth gets dry, carry a bottle of glycerine and take a sip when you want to start shouting.

Happy hollering!


THE SPACE EMP


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Recently a new gym opened near where I work at the office of the planetary Inquisitor. It's called Sweatbox Soho and it's men only.

I've seen lots of young men full of muscles, with short hair and leather clothes going in and out, they do look very tough!

Do you think the Inquisitor might recruit some of them for Spase Mariesn? Such lovely, muscley young men ought to make ideal recruits!

All the best for you next Galactic Crusade...


Clark Clerk





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/19 13:53:01


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Kilkrazy wrote:


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Recently a new gym opened near where I work at the office of the planetary Inquisitor. It's called Sweatbox Soho and it's men only.

I've seen lots of young men full of muscles, with short hair and leather clothes going in and out, they do look very tough!

Do you think the Inquisitor might recruit some of them for Spase Mariesn? Such lovely, muscley young men ought to make ideal recruits!

All the best for you next Galactic Crusade...


Clark Clerk





Sigh, I would shake my head sadly if it wasn't connected to a bajillion wires and hoses and wotnot. When will these kids today learn, I, the Space Emporer of Space do not have time to wait for people to 'train' and 'work out' and 'earn' their muscles. This is not the joyful light of the far past, in the grim darkness of the arrived present there is only war!

Real men don't waste months or years in the gymnasiumatorium. Real men, like the legendary heroes Sammy Sosa and Alex Rodrigues get their muscles from a bottle.

Your trainer
Coach Teh

Dear the all-knowing one:

I'm a huge fan! I have every issue of Emperor Comics, even the annuals and the miniseries. I even have a 1st printing of Emperor Comics #1, and let me tell you it cost me a pretty penny. I have to store it in a lightless, airlight box with a stasis field but I have it all the same.

So I have a question. OK, I mean Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman, they can all pretty much pick up a mountain and drop it on someone. Flash, he can run around the world a million times in a second. And Batman, he doesn't have any powers but he's the smartest, nastiest man in the world so you need him too.

But Aquaman?

I mean sure he can swim, but Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman can also survive underwater and probably are faster than him too. Sure he can talk to fish, but the Martian Manhunter is a telepath and Green Lantern's ring can translate any language.

So what's the point? Why was Aquaman in the Justice League?

Sincerely
Fanboy Numero Uno


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/24 13:13:26


Post by: Deadshane1


Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the all-knowing one:

I'm a huge fan! I have every issue of Emperor Comics, even the annuals and the miniseries. I even have a 1st printing of Emperor Comics #1, and let me tell you it cost me a pretty penny. I have to store it in a lightless, airlight box with a stasis field but I have it all the same.

So I have a question. OK, I mean Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman, they can all pretty much pick up a mountain and drop it on someone. Flash, he can run around the world a million times in a second. And Batman, he doesn't have any powers but he's the smartest, nastiest man in the world so you need him too.

But Aquaman?

I mean sure he can swim, but Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman can also survive underwater and probably are faster than him too. Sure he can talk to fish, but the Martian Manhunter is a telepath and Green Lantern's ring can translate any language.

So what's the point? Why was Aquaman in the Justice League?

Sincerely
Fanboy Numero Uno


Dear Superfriend,

Aquaman is a valued and powerful member of the JLA for many reasons.

1. Have you actually held a conversation with fish? They really do have a lot to say. YOU might not understand them, but be polite, fish have feelings too.

2. Have you seen the live action Aquaman pilot. Ooooh sexy!

3. Who else is going to sit in the passenger seat of the invisible jet?

4. (little known factoid) The mortgage for the Hall of Justice is in Aquaman's name....he IS the king of Atlantis you know, he's got more than a couple of pennies to rub together. You think Supes can pay that on Clark Kent's salary?

5. His pasta sauces are TO DIE FOR.

6. He's perfect for the part of Capt. Hook in the annual JLA play of "Peter Pan". Surpassed only by Batman's "boy who wouldnt grow up". (I think there's some freudian issues there, but this post is about the king of the seas so we wont go there)

-Teh Emporer


Dear Teh Spaize Emporer of Spaize,

I just saw the Milla Jovovich movie, Ultraviolet.

WTF were they thinking?

Thanx,
Uwe Boll


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/24 18:15:18


Post by: realspace3


Dear Teh Spaize Emporer of Spaize,

I just saw the Milla Jovovich movie, Ultraviolet.

WTF were they thinking?

Thanx,
Uwe Boll


Dear Uwe Boll,

For every good movie that is created, A bad movie must be made to restore the balance. Only by keeping the balance can the movie Daemons be held in the Warp.

The Immortal God-Emperor




Dear Emporer,

I have to ask why the Forces of the Imperium have been battling each other with worrying frequency. I am aware that orders are sometimes contradictory, but surely your omni-potentness could prevent these disputes.

A confused Citizen


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/26 11:20:19


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


realspace3 wrote:

Dear Emporer,

I have to ask why the Forces of the Imperium have been battling each other with worrying frequency. I am aware that orders are sometimes contradictory, but surely your omni-potentness could prevent these disputes.

A confused Citizen


Ah yes, you might think so but in fact it is my will. You see according to the theory of Intelligent Selection (not to be confused with Natural Design) by making different groups fight I make them stronger, and thus better able to serve me. My plan (which is a secret, so don't tell anyone) is to make them fight, and fight, and fight and fight and fight. Fight, fight, fight. Fight fight, fight. The Warhammer 40k show!

And the one guys who's left will go out and single-handedly purge the universe.

Sincecerly
The Natural Designer

Dear our most holy Father

I wish to thank you for sending your Adeptus Astres to the Conventof Eternal Chastity and Purity to defend us from the vicious Invioids who planned to attack us. We never saw the Invisoids and in fact found no sign of them which only proves what a dire threat they were.

Squads from the Iron Snakes, the Thrusting Sabres, the Long Hard Lances, the Throbbing Weapons and Randy Gentlemen all descended upon our defenseless home and spent several months here defending us and enjoying the hospitality of our cloistered sisters all of whom are between the ages of 18 and 24. They were very dilligent, carefully checking each sister's cell, sometimes several times a night. I must also compliment their energy.

In fact they stayed several months longer than intitally expected.

However since their departure many of my sisters have displayed strange symptons. Many have been sick each morning, and some have unexpectedly gained weight.

Is this is sign of a new attack by the dreaded Invisoids?

What should I do?

Sincerely
Canoness Virgina Immaculate Puritina Incoruptus
Convent of Eternal Chastity and Purity, Virgin's World, White Nebula


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/28 15:40:38


Post by: Kilkrazy



Dear our most holy Father

I wish to thank you for sending your Adeptus Astres to the Conventof Eternal Chastity and Purity to defend us from the vicious Invioids who planned to attack us. We never saw the Invisoids and in fact found no sign of them which only proves what a dire threat they were.

Squads from the Iron Snakes, the Thrusting Sabres, the Long Hard Lances, the Throbbing Weapons and Randy Gentlemen all descended upon our defenseless home and spent several months here defending us and enjoying the hospitality of our cloistered sisters all of whom are between the ages of 18 and 24. They were very dilligent, carefully checking each sister's cell, sometimes several times a night. I must also compliment their energy.

In fact they stayed several months longer than intitally expected.

However since their departure many of my sisters have displayed strange symptons. Many have been sick each morning, and some have unexpectedly gained weight.

Is this is sign of a new attack by the dreaded Invisoids?

What should I do?

Sincerely
Canoness Virgina Immaculate Puritina Incoruptus
Convent of Eternal Chastity and Purity, Virgin's World, White Nebula


Dear beloved daughter Canoness,

Or rather IDIOT!

I never sent any Adeptes to you. Clearly your immaculate defences have been attacked in close combat by Xenos beef bayonets, pork swords and spam javelins.

Did it never occur to you that Spase Mariens prefer the company of their Battle Brothers to a bunch of simpering girls?

Isn’t it obvious that an invisible enemy would find a visible body form the most perfect disguise? You should have suspected immediately.

There is nothing to do now except let Nature take its course. You must straight away send all your girls to the front line, where they can purge themselves of the Xenos taint by joining the ranks of an Imperial Maternity Punishment battalion.

Get some new girls, be more careful when you receive visitors in future, and above all, when you or your girls are best by certain... urges, you must take things into your own hands.

Yours in Me,

Teh Space Emp!


Der Space Emporer,

It was in the papers this week that a huge ball of plasma is going to vomit out of the sun, hit our planet and destroy all the electrical systems, leading to poverty, famine and the collapse of civilisation.

My question is what are the Spase Marienz going to do about this? It’s their job to strike like lightning, blow up essential infrastructure and paralyse all resistance!

Why are they slacking on the job so the sun has to stand in? I paid good taxes to have your holy Spaec Mareins do this kind of stuff. Are they wasting their time hanging out with a bunch of virgin Space Nunz or something?

Also the weather is very changeable and I’m worried my Magnolia tree blossom will be spoiled by frost. Could you do something about that too, please?

A loyal and aggrieved citizen,


System 7-11
The Galactic West Wing


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/29 03:39:13


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Der Space Emporer,

It was in the papers this week that a huge ball of plasma is going to vomit out of the sun, hit our planet and destroy all the electrical systems, leading to poverty, famine and the collapse of civilisation.

My question is what are the Spase Marienz going to do about this? It’s their job to strike like lightning, blow up essential infrastructure and paralyse all resistance!

Why are they slacking on the job so the sun has to stand in? I paid good taxes to have your holy Spaec Mareins do this kind of stuff. Are they wasting their time hanging out with a bunch of virgin Space Nunz or something?

Also the weather is very changeable and I’m worried my Magnolia tree blossom will be spoiled by frost. Could you do something about that too, please?

A loyal and aggrieved citizen,


System 7-11
The Galactic West Wing


Dear Loyal

thank you for calling this to may attention. I checked up on it and yes, it does seem that we had assigned 3 Terminators from the Throbbing Weapons chapter to deal with this problem. Brother Sergent Lance Long, Battle Brother Rokk Hardd and Battle Brother Buck Neekid.

With their 5+ invulnerable save at least one of them should stop the plasma ball.

Unfortunately after a prolonged battle with the evil Invisoids at the Convent of Eternal Chastity and Purity the chapters has been striken with a most virulent strain of pox.

However, as the all-knowing, all-wise Emporer of Spase I have adjusted my plan. Although your planet will be reduced to barbarism and you will be speared on a spit and roased by your own children your hellish world will breed a race of warriors fierce enough to fight off Zoat Incurrsion of M43.

Rejoice in serving the Emporer's will!

Sincerely
The

Dear Mr. Teh Spase Emporer:

Here at Frank Kraut's Masonry and Tiling we've always said, 'No job too big, no job too small' but wowzers these specs you sent me sure tested that motto.

So we read your proposal for the 'GRATE WALL OF SPASE'


And um, yeah. We can do that. Here's how the numbers break down:

Our in-house astronomer tells me it would be 17,000 light years long. Now assuming the wall is 10' high and 20' wide the total volume of the wall (including guard towers) would be about 6.67*10^23 tonnes of stone. Which is about 4 times the amount of matter in the entire galaxy.

Now once we gather the materials construction will take about 10^8 years, which is around the date of the heat death of the galaxy.

Manning the wall is outside our purview but we estimate it would take 10^18 guardsmen, about twice the human population of the galaxy.

And of course military matters are also outside out purview but our in-house astronomer tells me that, although space looks two-dimensional on the map you drew, it is actually 3 dimensional. Chaos forces would be able to go above or below Teh Grate Wall of Spase.

All this being said, if you want us to go ahead, just put down a 10% deposit of 10^14 Golden Eagles (about three times the Imperial GDP) and we can start construction tomorrow.

Sincerely
Frank Kraut
Owner and operator of Frank Krauts Masonry and Tile
'No job too big, no job too small!'




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/30 15:09:03


Post by: halonachos


Dear Frank,

Obviously you do not value your puny life. How dare you question the emperor and charge him for services. I sit on a throne all day to help you and I ask of nothing in return. If you cannot finish this wall by next Emperor's day, I will contact another organization that can.

I will help you in the quest to build the wall though, use tactics. If you use tactics, it doesn't matter if the wall is only 2D, the minions of chaos will not get by it.

-The Emperor


Dear Mister Emperor Sir,

I recently received a letter saying that I was recruited into the Imperial Guard. Not that I don't want to serve you, but I already volunteered and am a registered member of the Valhallan 16th as a conscript and the the regiment I was recruited into is the Tallarn 64th. I was wondering how I should deal with this issue.

-Sincerely
Gregori Petro
Serial Number: A38-512-111-295-044



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/30 17:40:26


Post by: Kilkrazy




Dear Mister Emperor Sir,

I recently received a letter saying that I was recruited into the Imperial Guard. Not that I don't want to serve you, but I already volunteered and am a registered member of the Valhallan 16th as a conscript and the the regiment I was recruited into is the Tallarn 64th. I was wondering how I should deal with this issue.

-Sincerely
Gregori Petro
Serial Number: A38-512-111-295-044


Dear Private Petro,

This is easy.

64 divided by 16 is 4. So spend one day out of five with the 16th and four days out of five with the 64th.

Travelling time is extra. There will be a lot of travelling since the two regiments are in different Galactic sectors. It’s about 6 months by Warp Shuttle.

I’ll get the Adeptes Administratorioriumates to give you a set of travel orders and a 100 years travel warrant. While I’m at it, I had better promote you to Sergeant because it looks bad for a conscript to be wandering around by himself. That will cover you for 2nd class fares, meals in transit, leave of absence for travelling between your assigned posts, and a new uniform with sergeant’s stripes on it.

Never say the Emporer doesn’t know his way around the Imperial bureaucracy!

Carry on, Sergeant.



The Greatest Military Leader of All Time.



Dear Top Man Of Spase,

I heard that there is going to be a new law to prevent criticism of religions.

Will the Witch Hunters be made to stop burning people?

I do hope not, because my mother-in-law is really annoying me.

Yours in Faith,

A Fervent Admirer





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/03/30 22:52:10


Post by: halonachos


Dear Admirer,

The law of which you speak is currently in effect, but seeing as though the inquisition is above the law, they will not be stopping the burning of people. As to your mother-in-law, there is a grandfather-clause allowing you to criticize someones religion if their grandfather could've been criticized for his religion. Chances are her grandfather could've been criticized so you have a loop-hole here. Also, accidents are not considered to be criticising someones religion so join the guard and get a flamer or melta, take it home, see if it "accidentally" misfires when your mother-in-law is around. If it does misfire, then you are not to blame as it was only an accident.

The greatest lawyer of all time.




Dear Emperor,

My name is Timmy and I am 13 years old. Recently I asked you for a new bicycle that I could pedal with one leg. I was working in the manufactowum during my 14 hour work shift when my leg got caught in the macheenery and took it off. Welll, I changed my mind and was one-dering if I could have a pogo-pole instead.

Thankyou Emperor,
Timmy

P.S. Is the golden throne cold?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/02 06:26:19


Post by: Quintinus



Dear Emperor,

My name is Timmy and I am 13 years old. Recently I asked you for a new bicycle that I could pedal with one leg. I was working in the manufactowum during my 14 hour work shift when my leg got caught in the macheenery and took it off. Welll, I changed my mind and was one-dering if I could have a pogo-pole instead.

Thankyou Emperor,
Timmy

P.S. Is the golden throne cold?


Dear Timmy,

Don't worry, have I got just the right place for you! You see, there's these Adeptus Mechanicus dudes which made my awesome (x2) Golden Throne that is Gold (and a Throne!). And they seem to be in need of a new Servitor on the planet of 31337. You'll fit right in. By the way, they stick out in their red robes and mechanical stuff so you won't confuse them with something else. And that leg you lost and that pogo pole you wanted? Why, it makes a perfect replacement! Jeez, I'm so smart I should be the Emproer! Oh wait! I am! Hahahahaha!!!!

-Sincerely,

Teh Spase Empra of Spase (x2)

P.S. Yes. It gets a bit drafty in the throne room. One would think that the Spase Emperor (of spase) could afford a couple heaters.


Dear Space Empror,

So like apparently I'm this thing called the Sensei, which means that I'm your son or something I guess. Why didn't you ever write? I've grown up my entire life without a father figure, and then I find out that it's because you're sitting on some dumb golden throne! All of the other kid's fathers played games with them and played baseball and stuff, and you just sat there! What the heck?! Plus, do you know how embarrassing it is to go to career day at school? I said that my dad was the Spase Emrpror, and they all laughed! What the hell!! Why don't you care about me?!

Your son who you obviously don't care about,

Willy


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/02 20:05:20


Post by: jackinthetank


Dear Son,

It pains me to say it but I neglected you as a child after your mother called you after something a space marine finds in his jock strap.
And I know this sounds like I have been wasting my time ( considering the big shet is still trying to kill us- chaos) but I was too occupied to look after a child.

And you are quite wrong in thinking that I don't care about you because you are my son. But think of the other thousands of marines who call themselves my son.
Singling you out would result in another Horus balls-up again.

Your biological father,

Teh Spase Emporer.



Dear Spase Emporer,

I have recently moved into something my mates call the "eye of terror". All seems to be going well and the neighbours ( who just happened to be daemonettes ) warmly welcomed me. I have met lots of new friends but the thing that concerns me is.....

How can I stop that dastardly Forge of Souls from keeping me up all night!!

Yours faithfully,

Bob Marley.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/02 21:11:39


Post by: Kilkrazy





Dear Spase Emporer,

I have recently moved into something my mates call the "eye of terror". All seems to be going well and the neighbours ( who just happened to be daemonettes ) warmly welcomed me. I have met lots of new friends but the thing that concerns me is.....

How can I stop that dastardly Forge of Souls from keeping me up all night!!

Yours faithfully,

Bob Marley.


Dear Marley,

I should have thought it was the Daemonettes keeping you up all night! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!!!

Well, anyway, there is a marvellous thing called the Imperial Nose Abatement society. Simply cut off your nose, send it in and you will receive a coupon entitling you to the abatement of whatever nuisance you like.

Look it up on the Imperial Intertronitoriumariumitesimusimusariumomus.

That reminds of me of a joke!

“I say, I say! My Tau has no nose.”

“How does he smell?”

“Terrible!”

You may laugh uproariously, I thenkyew.


Teh Space Emporer.



Dear Teh Space Emporer,

I am so ***** ***** of all this *** *****. What the **** am I ****** supposed to **** ***** ****** about the ****** ****?

***** **** the ****** *****?
I MEAN ******** ****!

REALLY, ***** the ***** ****! What the ***** is all that about?


You know what I’m saying, you’re a man of the world.

Thanks for reading, any advice would be appreciated. I know what it’s like with piles of gold.


The Archbishop of Cadiabury



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/07 18:07:59


Post by: halonachos


Dear Archbishop,

Why the **** are you ******** ******** when you can ******* get a ******* ***** and then *******? The ******* issue of ******** *** ******** is ***** ******* temporary. I ******* often ****** *******! You know what I mean?

Sincerely The Emperor of all Space.



Dear Mr. Teh Spaze Empra,

Your current lease on the model GT-18420438 throne has run out. If you wish to continue use of the GT-18420438, we need you to call our number found in the operator's manual and then mail in the required payment of 1,000,000,000.22 golden eagles and make a downpayment of 101 souls for the next year of service. Until the payments are made, we regret telling you that we will need to deactivate your throne. We also have a model BT-13321066 that is cheaper to afford but lacks the wi-fi in your current model, the back massagers are also not included. This costs significantly less, so give us a call and we'll try to sort everything out.

From, Heine's Thrones of Metal.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/08 15:48:44


Post by: Superscope


halonachos wrote:

Dear Mr. Teh Spaze Empra

Your current lease on the model GT-18420438 throne has run out. If you wish to continue use of the GT-18420438, we need you to call our number found in the operator's manual and then mail in the required payment of 1,000,000,000.22 golden eagles and make a downpayment of 101 souls for the next year of service. Until the payments are made, we regret telling you that we will need to deactivate your throne. We also have a model BT-13321066 that is cheaper to afford but lacks the wi-fi in your current model, the back massagers are also not included. This costs significantly less, so give us a call and we'll try to sort everything out.

From, Heine's Thrones of Metal.


Written reply

It's about time to update my throne anyhow. I've been looking at the online catalog and i've found that i've taken a interest in the XR-22164053 model throne. I theirfor wish lease this new model and is willing pay extra for it's speedy delivery (VERY speedy, damn imperium needs my shield agaist the demons... losy buggers).

ps - Can i have a NON sqeaking throne please. The last one deafened 3 of my techpriests. Also can i get the extra cup holders.

pps - And a faster CPU, thx

---------------------------------------------

Dear mr. mc'space emperor,

I'm a upcoming general in the imperial guard. I've been saving my coins(I dislike the use of "eagles". I prefer a term more akin to old times) for guardsmen, tanks and alsorts, along with one of those "primaris pskyer" chaps i've been reading about. Forgive me for asking but, i've come to hear that guardsmen recruiting will be down by 50% in the coming month.

Having done the foolish thing of NOT recruiting as many guardsmen as i can before the shortage, how am i able to resolve issuses with both the number of troops i command and the upcoming Imperial Guard reform that is to shortly follow.

Ever loyal,
General Markis Bardsleyos


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/09 14:28:25


Post by: mcfly


Dear mr. mc'space emperor,

I'm a upcoming general in the imperial guard. I've been saving my coins(I dislike the use of "eagles". I prefer a term more akin to old times) for guardsmen, tanks and alsorts, along with one of those "primaris pskyer" chaps i've been reading about. Forgive me for asking but, i've come to hear that guardsmen recruiting will be down by 50% in the coming month.

Having done the foolish thing of NOT recruiting as many guardsmen as i can before the shortage, how am i able to resolve issuses with both the number of troops i command and the upcoming Imperial Guard reform that is to shortly follow.

Ever loyal,
General Markis Bardsleyos


Dear General Markis Bardsleyos,

First off, My name is the Emperor of Spase, nothing with "Mc" in it, and I agree with you about the use of the word coins instead of eagles. I also prefer to use the term coins, it was my pr guys who said to use eagles. However, now to your question. The easiest way to get new recruits is to go out and land on a far out planet of humans that is on the outer rim. Then you tell them its voluntary, you just have to join. You will soon have all the recruits you need!

Sincerely,
The Space Emporer

[i]Dear Space Emporer,

I recently had my best friend die beside me at the hands of another good friend that has joined chaos. What should I do?

Best Regards,
Private worriesly


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/10 12:15:54


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emporer,

I recently had my best friend die beside me at the hands of another good friend that has joined chaos. What should I do?

Best Regards,
Private worriesly


Dear Private

Tell me about it! This one time I hear two of my sons squabbling, AS USUAL, I go in to tell them to cut it out and what do I see... #$#$ing Horus is there standing over his brother's dead body.

So I'm all liked WTF?

And he's like 'I didn't do it'!
So I'm like 'Well who did?'
So he's like 'I dunno', long story short things got a bit ugly.

The moral is, while you were reading this your planet was virus bombed. Better safe than sorry.

Teh

Dear the Spase Emporer:

Yesterday I was beating a Small Child with my Oaken Rod since the Small Child was Insolent. But as I was Beating the Small Child my Oaken Rod shattered! I told the Small Child's parents they must pay me damages as Oaken Rods are not Cheap. But they have said they do not owe me damages as I was the one who broke the Oaken Rod. But were it not for the Insolence of the Small Child the Oaken Rod would not be broken.

Who is in the right?

Yours in Faith
Irate on Io


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/10 14:34:39


Post by: halonachos


Dear Irate,

Neither of you are in the right. While beating someone who is insolent is correct, you should've known better to use an adamantium rod or a rod that is charged with electricity. If you know that you happen to get a little whack happy while beating small children off of the trail of insolence, you should've used either one of the previously mentioned rods. An Oaken Rod is not a suitable rod for those vigorus beaters.

To make it short, you are both wrong and right. Buy a new adamantium rod and beat the family for being insolent.

Sincerely, The Space Emperor of Space.




Deer Spashe Empra,

We's was wunderin hows to maek a big chair likes the one yous got. We has a boss who we likes a lot and want to keepe em' around when e' gets all dead an' wat not. Of corse wes gonna make it red so it'll be fasta than yous. Wes gonna call it da "BIG RED CHAIR OF THE DEAD GUY WES USEDTA FOLLOW" and its gonna be so uge and so dakka dat it'll be da best chair of all.

Trooly,

Mekboy Snaggletooth


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/11 15:01:35


Post by: Superscope


halonachos wrote:Deer Spashe Empra,

We's was wunderin hows to maek a big chair likes the one yous got. We has a boss who we likes a lot and want to keepe em' around when e' gets all dead an' wat not. Of corse wes gonna make it red so it'll be fasta than yous. Wes gonna call it da "BIG RED CHAIR OF THE DEAD GUY WES USEDTA FOLLOW" and its gonna be so uge and so dakka dat it'll be da best chair of all.

Trooly,

Mekboy Snaggletooth


Dear Snaggletooth

Well, I'm not exactly sure how we "made" the throne. I've kinda forgot what bit goes where and alsorts (damn my old age and pyker drinking habits). Anyhow, you just pop around old Heine's Thrones of Metal, they will fix you up nicely.

Sincerely,
EtS.

Dear Emperor,
I've begun to construct my own intergalatic empire and yet my small space empire is threatened by my previous colleages. What should i do?

O'Shovah

ps - Attack Ta'u with some space marines, they like space marines, kk thanks ;3


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/11 15:51:08


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Superscope wrote:

Dear Emperor,
I've begun to construct my own intergalatic empire and yet my small space empire is threatened by my previous colleages. What should i do?

O'Shovah

ps - Attack Ta'u with some space marines, they like space marines, kk thanks ;3


Well Shaun (you misspelled your name BTW) the thing to remember is 9 out of 10 Space Empires fail in their first millennium. Heck a buddy of mine, he lost his Space Empire cause of a bunch of teddy bears. I mean really... WTF?

But you have some advantages, for one thing you're the only one of your whole race who can fight worth a darn. For another you'll all be eaten by tyranids by the year 50k so you might as well chill out.

Yours
The Most Successful Space Emporer of All Time
10 Millennia and still going strong!

Hey Spacey! It's me! The Galaxy Monarch from Universe Alpha!

What's up? Sorry I haven't been in touch lately but you know how things get for us rulers of the universe. But I was flying by that black hole near Alpha Centari and I remembered how we teamed up to fight Lex Luthor and Dr. Doom so I figured I'd drop you a line.

Not much new here. Remember that clone son I made? Boris? Well he says hi. He almost got corrupted by the Devils of Anarchy but luckily my other clone son Marcus the Blue (he says hi) picked up the phone and let me know Boris was acting strangely. Well we all had an intervention and talked him down. So now he's up in the Galactic North now taking care of some vagina headed fish commies called the Zen.

When you get a minute let me know how you're doing! We should get together and play tennis or something.

Yours
TGM


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/13 20:55:25


Post by: mcfly


Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Hey Spacey! It's me! The Galaxy Monarch from Universe Alpha!

What's up? Sorry I haven't been in touch lately but you know how things get for us rulers of the universe. But I was flying by that black hole near Alpha Centari and I remembered how we teamed up to fight Lex Luthor and Dr. Doom so I figured I'd drop you a line.

Not much new here. Remember that clone son I made? Boris? Well he says hi. He almost got corrupted by the Devils of Anarchy but luckily my other clone son Marcus the Blue (he says hi) picked up the phone and let me know Boris was acting strangely. Well we all had an intervention and talked him down. So now he's up in the Galactic North now taking care of some vagina headed fish commies called the Zen.

When you get a minute let me know how you're doing! We should get together and play tennis or something.

Yours
TGM


Dear TGM,

Great to hear from you man! Sure has been a while eh? Yeah, tennis sounds good! Maybe next Thursday? Well, nice to hear from you! I thought we weren't buddies anymore, so I signed an order to blow your ship. Heh heh, my advisors said too, and, well, I didn't want you on my bad side so, yeah. You'll be dead on Friday. Anyway, see you later man!

Sincerely,
The Space EMPEROR of Space

Dear Space Emperor,

I have a complaint to make. The Orks in my sector are thoroughly annoying. There is gunfire all day long, and I can barely get the cleaning done. My husband, IG private Harris also agrees with me. Fix this problem please.

Disgruntled Housewife


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/13 22:24:31


Post by: halonachos


Dear Disgruntled,

You'll be happy to know that your husband and his regiment will soon be fightin a war to get rid of that pesky gunfire. He may die, but hopefully you have kids to replace him in the guard and they may get rid of those pesky orks too. If not, I'll send some virus bombs so there'll be no noise at all.

Your welcome,
THE SPASE EMPRA!!


Dear Space Emperor,

I was looking for my lost daughter when I heard that she had joined a sister's order. I tried to get her to come home, but she says that she's married to you so I guess I'm like your father-in-law or something. So, when can I get a ride on that golden throne I keep hearing about and how about sending your father-in-law some cash?

Sincerely,

Your Daddy-in-law


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/13 23:12:58


Post by: NinjaPenguin


My Daddy-in-law,
You know, there's this really cool thing called the Astronomican you should come be a part of. I'd really appreciate it if you could, <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Go die, Yours truly,
T3h Sp4yce 3mpr0r.



Dear Space Emperor,
The other day, my Terminator captain was all like, "Teh Genestealers are among us!" and then I noticed he had these big claws, so I was like "TYRANIDZ!" and powerfisted him. Then I realized he just had Lightning Claws. Can I have a new one?
--Marneus
P.S. Send some cookies over while you're at it. We get hungry.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/14 16:02:54


Post by: halonachos


Dear Marneus,

Listen...Terminators are hard to train now that they have a labor union so I doubt that you can get one within a week. Plus they're heavy and shipping is expensive at 50 coins a pound. So the answer is no. By your post script I can tell you one thing.

Marneus, you ARE the genestealers.

THE SPACE EMPEROR OF AWESOME SPACENESS!!!





Dear Space Emperor,

All of my friends are converting to chaos because Slaanesh promised them a load of weed and hot babes. I told them not to, but they did anyways and now one of them has married a daemonette. The problem is, now they want to come over of Emperor's Day and I'm not sure if I should because my cousin who is coming is in the commissariate. What should I do?

In a pickle on Piclon IV


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/14 16:28:53


Post by: mcfly


Dear "pickle"

You had the correct opinion all along. It was a terrible idea to go join the forces of Kaos, and especially Slaanesh, for that cult is the most dangerous of all the Demons. However, you should bring them over on Emperor's day, and we shall set their souls free and convert them through fire and pain.

Tell your cousin "congrats",

THe Grand and Glorious Emeror of All of SPACE!!!

Dear spaze empra,

My name is G-Dizzle Dawg, and I live on homeboy 3. My brothas and I were rollin through Ultramar the other day, listenin to our jamz, and we were told not to come by no more. Why are they hatuhs?

Peace,

G-Dizzle Dawg


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/15 16:51:09


Post by: Gitzbitah


Dear Gdizzledawg,

I imagine the issue that you ran into is your appalling lack of manners. Just look at how you signed off of your message! 'Peace'? 'Peace!'? I hate the word, as I hate death, all Chaos dudes, and you. This is the grimdark future, and there is only war!

You have also neglected to identify any of the many glorious things about my person. It is customary to kiss my butt in an inventive or at least thorough fashion when requesting answers to your questions.

I hope these corrections will help you to comport yourself more admirably in the future.

McSpace Emperor (The 'Mc' is often silent, or non-existent)



Yo Mightiest Emporer of All Spaze!

Look, I don't mean to be pushy, but when will we be released from your service? I know that we must serve even in death, but its been milennia since our entire chapter was blasted clear of reality. I can't even remember the last time I had spare room on my somewhat ethereal power armor for more skullz. I spend my days playing poker with Khorne, and my nights saving your warriors from certain doom by popping onto battlefields. If I really am to be damned for all eternity, can't I do it without this pesky armor? Let me rest or enjoy my retirement!

Cinderash of the Fire Hawks chapter


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/15 17:07:24


Post by: halonachos


Dear Cinderash,

What's that? Do I hear a case of the "poor me's"? Get over yourself, you're dead and can't die so you are expected to stop other space marines from dieing. They're better than you because they're actually risking their lives while you just get sent back and can come back later. Let me call a Wambulance for you and get you some frenchcries!


Sincerely,
THE SPACE EMPRA!!! OF SPACE!! and some immaterium...





Dear All Holy Space Emperor,

I've been in the priesthood for almost a year now and the other priests are saying that I must perform "holy oral practices" upon their genital regions. I've been doing it but I think its wrong. However, I don't want to call them out on it so could you please help me out here?

yours in faith,

Brother Likadik


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/15 17:40:49


Post by: Phloop


Dearest, sweetest Brother Likadik,

Do you question your brothers? Do you not think that I move through them as I move through you? Do not fear the heratic, for I shall send my forces to smite them! Do not fear the mutant, for my eternal fire shall purge them from this world! No not fear the chaffed knees and the gag reflex, for it is my holiness travelling down into your gullet to purify your soul.

See you soon!
xoxoxo

Teh Fabulous Space Emprah!


Oh mighty Space Emperor!

I am at a loss! Our Sub-Chapter of the White Scars has become too large and I have been given the orders to forge a new subchapter for your greater glory! But we have no idea what to call ourselves, what to wear as an insignia or what our colours should be! What would be pleasing to thy ears, thy sight, thy holiness?

Yours in duty and honour
Chaplain Squidinius


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/15 19:32:57


Post by: halonachos


Phloop, you took my letter to a whole other world. That was one of the funniest things I have ever read so thank you for taking it to funny town via express shipping.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/19 15:57:11


Post by: P4NC4K3


Phloop wrote:

Oh mighty Space Emperor!

I am at a loss! Our Sub-Chapter of the White Scars has become too large and I have been given the orders to forge a new subchapter for your greater glory! But we have no idea what to call ourselves, what to wear as an insignia or what our colours should be! What would be pleasing to thy ears, thy sight, thy holiness?

Yours in duty and honour
Chaplain Squidinius


[b]Dear Chaplain Squidinius,

Fear not! For my ormniport Omnipotty GODLIKE powers of naming stuff have come up with the answer, name your chapter the Juice Warriors, your insignia shall be a glass of freshly squeezed juice and your colours shall vary on company

1st Co. The Apple Company: Yellow/Gold all over with red/green bits to represent the skin of thine most holy applez!
2nd Co. The Carrot Company: Orange all over with Green Helmets
3rd Co. The Lemon Company: Pale Yellow all over
4th Co. The Lime Company: GREEN!
5th Co. The Blackcurrant Company: Purple and Red
6th Co. The Tomato Company: Red with Green Helmets (Ask Commander Dante for advice)
7th Co. The Orange Company: ORANGE! (Not to be confused with 2nd Company)
8th Co. The Grapefruit Company; Pink with Flesh coloured bits
9th Co. The Cranberry Company: PURPLE! (Not to be confused with 5th Company)
10th Co. The Scouts are not holy enough to deserve JUICE!

Sincerely,
THE SPASE EMPORIUM Empra!

Dear the Empra of Spase

You must be lonely up there! Why not try and find a Spase Empress?

Sincerely
Matchius dotcommio





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/20 13:44:20


Post by: halonachos


Dear Matchius,

Because she would probably nag me to death about just relaxing when the galaxy is in peril.

Sincerely,
THE AWESOMELY AMAZING SPACE EMPRA OF THE COSMOS!!!



Dear Space Empra,

Liberaci called, he wants his toilet back!!

GOT YOU SUCKA!!
-Bill


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/20 17:33:50


Post by: Phloop


Bill,

His Holiness cares not for your insults. In fact, he hasn't even bothered to respond to your taunting letter, he's sent me to let you know that the hooker you were with last night was actually a sister of battle with a digivirus dispenser in her queenie. Yes, this is the future, we can do that here.
Enjoy your prolonged crotch agony, BEEEEAATCH!

Sincerely,
Doug, Teh Spayce Emprah's Mail Servator


-----------------------------


Dear Space Emporer,

What's up, dawg? Me an' mah homeboys got a bet going on about who you looked like before the whole "Rotting on a Throne" shindig you got going on. I mean, not hatin', you look pretty badass and all, but which 21 century celebrity did you most resemble?

Much respek,
Big Dawg ShayZee
Space Wolf Rapper Extraordinaire


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/20 19:38:49


Post by: halonachos


Dear Extraordinaire,

I would have to say that I resembled Sean Connery in his younger years when I was young and Marlon Brando when I was older. Now I would say that I look like that Heath Ledger fellow from the batman movie.

Sincerely,
Teh SPASHE EMPRA OF space.



Dear Space Emperor,

Hi, I'm writing in regard of my cousin Bill. He wrote you a nasty letter I believe and you sent a sister to deal with him. Well, afterwards he went to the marketorium when all of a sudden his you-know-wot exploded and sprayed you-know-wot-wot everywhere. Oh, it also made a hole in the immaterium and we are now knee deep in slaaneshi and nurglings. Have you ever seen a combination like that before? Its hideous, terrifying, and some of the residents are doing you-know-what to the you-know-whos you-know-whats. Its disturbing and I really, really want you to stop it, please.

Sincerely,
Bill's cousin

PS: Bill says he's sorry.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/22 19:38:25


Post by: NinjaPenguin


Dear Bill's Cousin,
gak happens. I'll send a few dozen Warlord Titans over that way in a bit.
<3,
Teh Spayse Empirar


Dear Space Pansy,
If you're so omnipotent, why don't you get off your divine toilet and come kick our asses yourself?
Sincerely,
Karny


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/22 23:42:34


Post by: mcfly


Dear karny(note:lowercase k),

I, the grand and glorious EMPEROR of all mankind do not care to kill the forces of chaos. As a God, I get others to show their dedication to me and do my work for me. Also I am dead.

the Spase Emperor of SPASE

Dear Space Emperor,

I need help with my squad of spess muhreens. They don't listen to anything that I say. Instead, they just laugh at me! Also, can I have a new warhound? They're so pretty!

HELP!,
Indrick Boreale


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/23 14:35:52


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Emperor,

I need help with my squad of spess muhreens. They don't listen to anything that I say. Instead, they just laugh at me! Also, can I have a new warhound? They're so pretty!

HELP!,
Indrick Boreale


Dear Indrick

The Adeptus Astres, my Angels of Death respect nothing more than good spelling and grammar, thus your problem is related to poor spelling skills.

Remember O before E, except after Z.

Teh Spase Emporer

Dear the Spase Emporer of Spase Imperialism:

Hi, I'm a loyal space marine (hurr!) from a pretty famous blue chapter. I love using my weapon. I love clutching it in my hands, feeling the power build until it throbs with energy and burns like fire and then releasing the build up in a fierce ejaculation of white-hot fury!

But the Chaplain says I'm enjoying it too much and now he won't even let me touch my weapon.

What should I do?

Your humble servant

Blastus Maximus


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/26 15:33:25


Post by: Phloop


Blastus Maximus,

1. Decide whether handling your weapon is a cause for concern. Handling your weapon has become an obsession when it interferes with your daily routine and your relationships. If you find yourself handling your weapon instead of spending time on more important things on a daily basis then it might be time to break the cycle of behavior you are in.

2. Isolate the cause. There is a reason or reasons you handling your weapon excessively, and you must find out why. If you concentrate on just stopping handling your weapon then you will just return to your addiction after a short period of success. So, why do you handling your weapon? It could be because you are bored, lonely, hurt, stressed, or it could be because of pains from the past. You're going to have to get yourself in a relaxed state conducive to productive thought to really find out why you turn to handling your weapon. What are you trying to escape? Avoid focusing on symptoms. Saying you handling your weapon because it feels good is not the real reason you handling your weapon excessively. Dig deep into your feelings. If you find this part difficult you may need therapy to help you discover feelings you are not seeing clearly right now.

3. Deal with your feelings. Dealing with feelings correctly is a skill and may be a skill you have forgotten or need to learn. Feelings are the result of thoughts. How we interpret the world and ourselves in our minds determines how we feel. We decide how we feel about things. If you handling your weapon because you feel bored then it is because you decided to feel bored. Nobody made you feel bored. You did.

4. Change the thought patterns that are leading to excessivly handling your weapon. You can no longer see handling your weapon as a solution to your boredom or loneliness. The more you learn to enjoy your everyday life the less you will want to turn to handling your weapon.

5. Narrow down the times of the day that seem to be the biggest problem for you. Isolating the times of the day that you struggle the most can help you to focus your efforts better to overcome your weapon addiction. If you know you struggle most when you lay down at night then you can create a plan specific to that time of day, for example do not lay down. Maybe you need to exercise and burn some testosterone before going to bed. Exercise will also help you to be more tired and fall asleep faster. If you struggle at different times of the day or several times throughout the day then try to narrow down the times and the environment you're in when this becomes difficult.

6. Spend some time each day, perhaps in the morning, visualizing a new you. A more confident, sociable, outgoing you. It's important that you start reprogramming your brain on a daily basis. It may seem awkward at first but if you persist, you will become more comfortable with your new self-image.

7. Change your habits. You cannot overcome your weapon handling addiction so long as you are spending a lot of time alone in your bedroom viewing war videos. Get out and meet people. Form healthy relationships and perhaps find another outlet for your aggressive energy.

8. Have an emergency way out - When the wave of temptation comes you need to have a pre-planned emergency way out. Many people have found that snapping a rubber band on their wrist helps break the automatic thought chain that leads to handling your weapon. Of course you don't want to hurt yourself, just have something similar to get your mind off handling your weapon.

Hope this helps!

Doktah Spase Emprah
(Yes, I just edited this, but I thought it was applicable. A Spase Emprah doesn't have ALL the answers, you know!)


Dear Holy Space Lord Emperor King Dude,

I Can Has Cheezburger?

Sincerely,
Brother Kitty
Chaplian of the Pussy Brigade


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/26 16:44:25


Post by: Golden Eyed Scout


Dear Phloop....

No you cannot.

Dear Teh Spase Emprah,

How does I impress the Sistahs of Battle?

From,

Ultra Dude, Dude of The UltraMarines

P.S: I can has Turtle Pie?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/27 14:44:43


Post by: halonachos


Dear Ultra Dude,

Carnal knowledge with a sister is one of the greatest things any living creature can have. It beats any other feeling in the world and nothing surpasses it. Too bad you can't enjoy it because your chapter has no organ to process the feeling. Only the Imperial Guard have that organ, we have to let them keep it because their jobs already suck.

Sincerely, THE FAIR AND ALMIGHTY SPACE EMPEROR!


Dear Space Emperor,

Listen, this Kharn guy is totally crazy. I mean its one thing when he kills some of your loyalists, but its unacceptable when he kills one of our own. Most of our chapter would repent and come back to your side if you just reach out and kill the fether.

Blood for the blood god, or emperor,
Troubled Khorn Follower.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/27 21:31:44


Post by: Golden Eyed Scout


Dear Troubled Kharn Follower,

Repent first, rejoin the Emprah, then the little homicidal asshat dies.


Dear Emperor,

I am an Imperial Guardsmen, and have been dating this really nice Sister of battle. Awhile ago she decided to do something different. I told her I was fine with it. Next thing you know, I am tied to my cot, and her Rpentia Mistress is standing over me, whipping me till my bones break. The next week we all have coffee to talk about it. She excises herself to the bathroom, and the Mistress and I exchange numbers. How do I manage to fix this situation?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/28 16:42:13


Post by: halonachos


Dear Anonymous Guardsman,

Next time you see the mistress, tell her that she is breaking her vow to me(the emperor) and stop hitting on my freakin wives you tart! Next time you so much as look at one, I am going to KILL YOU!

Sincerely,
THE SPASHE EMPRA

PS: I f---ing mean it.



Dear Space Emperor,

I really want to serve you in your name, but alas I am only a torso with a head. I have no arms, no legs, no money for augmentics and I only have one eye because I had to sell the other one for food. I guess what I am really asking is if you can rebuild me stronger and faster than I have ever been. Estimated costs go into the 6 million imperial credits range. Please help me, I want to be a space marine.

Sincerely,

Hopeful Lump.




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/28 17:29:02


Post by: Phloop


Dear Hopeful Lump,
We always need more expendible Servitors in the Imperium. Prepare your mind for wiping and brace yourself, you'll be my personal flesh-robot prostate examiner.
Be proud that you have been chosen by ME!
THA SPEEEESSS EH-MA-PAH-RAH!

-----------------------------------

My Lord,

I seem to have grown SPIDER LEGS where my legs and, well, willy used to be. I thank you for the gift and that you helped me win the battle for the Soul Drinkers' soul, but can I have my willy back? It was kinda small to begin with, but at least I still HAD one...
Always loyal to your cause,

Sarpedon
Librarian and Chapter Master of the Soul Drinkers


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/29 11:51:05


Post by: FoxPhoenix135


Sarpedon,
I, being Teh Space Emporer, protects. But I can't protect you from catching something like that! Next time, I expect you to be a more responsible servant of the Imperium and wear a Ultramarine-brand protection!

PS, Please get in touch with the ordos hereticus and give them your location immediately. They wish to -speak- with you.



To The Space Emperor,
I feel the last moments of Sanguinius upon me! What can I do to prevent the Black Rage?
Sincerely,
Roidrage


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/29 12:00:34


Post by: Cheese Elemental


To The Space Emperor,
I feel the last moments of Sanguinius upon me! What can I do to prevent the Black Rage?
Sincerely,
Roidrage

Dear Roidrage
Take some laxatives and sit on the toilet. The Brown Rage is the only cure for the Black Rage.
Your Superior,
The Empra of Spess

Dear Empra of Spess,
I am a Space Marine fighting on a dangerous planet called Chan IV. There are strange bipedal animals here, mostly naked, who seem to be under the sway of Slaanesh, as they have captured and are repeatedly raping the entire Scout company. They refer to themselves as 'furries'.

From the chapter, and the people of Chan IV, please help us! Send the Grey Knights! The might of the /tg/ Marines is not enough to hold them at bay!

Covering my arse,
Brother Boreale.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/29 13:43:09


Post by: halonachos


Dear Boreale,

I fear that Chan IV is much like the Eye of Terror. It is always there and we MUST set up permanant bastions against it. Unfortuantely, Chan IV is mostly in the Eye of Furry(not fury, furry). Stay absolutely put, I will be sending new and improved arse plates that NEVER open. Right now, the Grey Knights are busy with Chapter Master Sarpedon. Once they are done, they will go to Chan IV. Until then I am going to continue not looking at Chan IV.

Good luck,
THE SPACE EMPRA WHO DOESN'T LIKE FURRIES


Dear Space Emperor,

I recently won the local lottery, unfortunately the lottery was for who would be sacrificed at the next Emperors Day picnic. The sacrifice gets to have fun at the picnic and there are a lot of activitie including; Whack a CSM, Limbo, a barbeque, Ring Toss, Pin the Lightning Claws on the Terminator, and others. I don't want to be sacrificed at the end of it though, that would put a damper on my day and doesn't sound all to pleasant. Can you change it so that my mother-in-law gets sacrificed instead.

Sincerely,
Scared on Cornar IX


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/29 19:58:58


Post by: oomiestompa


halonachos wrote:Dear Space Emperor,

I recently won the local lottery, unfortunately the lottery was for who would be sacrificed at the next Emperors Day picnic. The sacrifice gets to have fun at the picnic and there are a lot of activitie including; Whack a CSM, Limbo, a barbeque, Ring Toss, Pin the Lightning Claws on the Terminator, and others. I don't want to be sacrificed at the end of it though, that would put a damper on my day and doesn't sound all to pleasant. Can you change it so that my mother-in-law gets sacrificed instead.

Sincerely,
Scared on Cornar IX


Dear Steve,

A picnic, eh? I remember going on a picnic with my sons way back before the Incident. Of course in those days we called them "field lunches." Anyway, the highlight of the afternoon was the three-legged race. Leman tried running on two legs and one arm like a three-legged wolf, but Roboute would have none of it. He disqualified Leman for cheating. Angron and Fulgrim were paired together and they just could not get along at all. They came in last. Mortarion ate too much potato salad and threw up all over his partner Konrad before the race. Konrad didn't even act surprised. He just said that he knew it was going to happen and then left to wash his armor. Alpharius and Omegus were heavy favorites to win because those guys just always seemed to be on the same page. But Magnus predicted that Ferrus would win, and he was right. Won 20 spacebucks from Rogal, IIRC. How were we supposed to know Ferrus would show up with a technically legal bionic third leg? Oh, how I love three-legged races.

Then the Incident happened and I was stuck to this wheelchair, unable to three-legged race ever again! So I banned field lunches. Just recently our legal department was made aware that picnics and field lunches are one and the same, so we're working on banning those now too. So don't worry Steve. Even though you have to be sacrificed unto me, I'll get your mother-in-law when we exterminate your planet after banning picnics in two or three hundred years.

Teh Spase Emp.

Dear Most Holey of Holies,

I am writing back to report success! Earlier in this column I requested advice on how to deal with the Chimera Child and you suggested Using Tactics. Well it worked! We just threw the child into the river and fired our holy flamers upon him. When he turned into a Chimera, he sank to the bottom, never to return. Chimeras may be amphibious, but they're sure not waterproof!

But now we have another problem. We've recently decided to take our heretic burning online. Whenever we find someone whom we disagree with even slightly, we continuously insult them, also known as "flaming." But we find that this never actually kills anyone. It just makes them angry. So I ask you, Great Emporer, how are we supposed to kill people over the internet?

Canoness Berdina
Order of the Flame-Based Weaponries


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/29 23:39:59


Post by: Golden Eyed Scout


Dear Cannoness Birdna,

Have you tried the Hedley Lammar way? Round up all the rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, gak kickers and Methodists you can find, then have them pledge like this,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoM-ZC7uNnc

to you. Then let them loose.



Also Blazing Saddles is now a holy movie by my decree.





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/04/29 23:43:23


Post by: Golden Eyed Scout


Dear Teh Monkeigh Spase Emprah,

Why does GW hate us?

Master of Blades


Dear Teh Spase Emprah,

Why do you stand in the path of the Greater Good? We would be more then happy to recieve you into our Empire, and together we could forge a new destiney across the stars.

What do you say?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/04 14:37:21


Post by: halonachos


Dear Blades,

Why don't you just go sit in a corner and cut yourself. I don't like you either you bondage loving jerks.

THE SPACE EMPRA!!


Dear Tau Guy,

If you don't stop sending me this spam I'm going to have to show you my greater goods, ask your mom, she knows what they are.

THE SPACE EMPRA OF OUTER SPACENESS!!!!!ONE!!!!1!!





Dear Mr. Space Emperor.

Have you heard of this new thing called "Sham-WOW"? Its amazing, a warpstorm suddenly appeared above our planet and we just launched a sham-WOW at it. The sham-WOW soaked up the entire warpstorm!! Of course we now have a possessed sham-WOW that tries to kill us every other week, but it got rid of the chaos fleet heading our way. I'm telling you, you have to get some of these things.


Vincent on Informercia II


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/04 16:31:39


Post by: oomiestompa


halonachos wrote:
Dear Mr. Space Emperor.

Have you heard of this new thing called "Sham-WOW"? Its amazing, a warpstorm suddenly appeared above our planet and we just launched a sham-WOW at it. The sham-WOW soaked up the entire warpstorm!! Of course we now have a possessed sham-WOW that tries to kill us every other week, but it got rid of the chaos fleet heading our way. I'm telling you, you have to get some of these things.


Vincent on Infomercia II


Dear Vincent,

Oh no. I'm not falling for that again. William from Infomercia Prime made these exact same claims about a similar product called the "Zorbee." So I ordered a few billion, but they didn't soak up any Warp. All they did was push it around some! A detachment was sent to get the Imperium's money back (and, you know, kill him), and they found a servant of Tzeentch hiding in his beard. We had to cleanse the entire planet. Are you following me, Vincent? Watch this. You're gonna love my Exterminatus.

The Ron Popeil of Space, Teh Spase Emporer.

Dear Human Leader,

We must commend you on your vast number of being assimilated into your collective. However, we are curious. Why do you not assimilate more? You could help so many untold billions to achieve the perfect balance of man and machine. If you aren't going to assimilate them, could we have some?

Resistance is futile,
Locutus of Borg


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/05 06:44:17


Post by: Superscope


Dear Borg,

Get your own fething humans. I'm eati....err.. exploi...gah..USING my humans, thanks.

Spasey Mc.Space, Emporer of space.

---------------------

Dear Emporer,

It's me, General Markis Bardsleyos..... now the proud governor militiant of gregminster prime and general of the minsterstarian 1st regiment. I went to the outer reaches of where humanity was and i found this little old place. The people claimed me as a king and pleged full devotion to me and yourself. After teaching the people of gregminster prime about yourself, spase and the imperium. They were more than happy to gladly pick up lasguns and flak armor and fight in your name. While sending this letter you should had also received the nice batch of slaves, pkyers (i know you love your food ;P) and gold.

While it is glorius the new regiment, i've seemed to have forgotten to bring any form of armored tanks. With this major problem, i ask if you know any good forge worlds near by? Money/supplies are a little tight at the moment but what the emporer demands *hint**hint*

Serving in your name,
Governor militiant Markis Bardsleyos


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/05 18:43:06


Post by: halonachos


Dear Bardsleyos,

I see, you want me to use my emperor's discount card for the local forge world... unfortunately I lost it. The nearby planet of Grenus 9,001 has some orks on it. I suggest you go their and steal some of our imperial tanks back.

The EMPEROROROROROR OF SAPCE!

PS: Those psykers sucked, they were too chewy and one of my molars came out. I want you to pay for my dentist's bill, I don't get discounts for that.




Okay folks, this one was a message I found on my answering machine printed out in WORDS!


Hey Emperor guy, umm like we're being attacked and like need help. It looks like the those guys from Koreanus III have been controlling some tyranids and like they just appeared out of nowhere and are rushing us. We are losing fast and... oh emperor... they're in the door...ahhhh, my cerebral cortex!! Blaargh!

*tyranid voice*
nom, nom, nommy nom nom. Nom nom nommers nom nom.
*end of transmission*
*Tyranid to Imperium Translation*
We want some fething cookies. Give them to us now or we will kill all of you humans!





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/15 13:31:29


Post by: Superscope


Dear mr.nomnomnom,
Your've asked that demand 1000 bloody times. I'm not falling for those "genestealer scouts" you keep sending to my door! It's hard enough that i have to turn down space marines for their "bolter fund raiser tickets" but when you send those genestealers they just.... have that cute puppy dog look.... Awww here, i will send you a few 100 METAL BOXES of cookies... i know you love your hellfire roun... i mean "flavors".

The S emperor.

------------------------------------------------

Dear emperor of space,
Why is the warp purplish pink? I mean wouldn't such a place have lots of red and black.. i mean red and black is such a heratic color and yet, it seems that it's colored with such strange colors.

From,
guardsman #10007454636784593
location - 8 miniutes to the eye of terror

PS - I REALLY could use a answer quickly





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/17 03:18:37


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear emperor of space,
Why is the warp purplish pink? I mean wouldn't such a place have lots of red and black.. i mean red and black is such a heratic color and yet, it seems that it's colored with such strange colors.

From,
guardsman #10007454636784593
location - 8 miniutes to the eye of terror

PS - I REALLY could use a answer quickl


Dear Guardsman #10007454636784593:

Not too many people know this but the simple fact is the Gawds of Kaos actually have a very refined understanding of color and balance. For example red and brass compliment each other quite nicely.

Since few armies use purple and pink as their main colors having a purple/pink sky means armies will stand out against that background. You will find that when you fight Slannessh's forces the sky will shift to a darker hue so their purple/pink armor will stand out.

By the way red and black are Inquisition colors so your statement that they are 'heretical' is itself heresy. For this crime I condemn you to be in the first wave of the 183rd invasion of the Eye of Terr-

Oh never mind, I see you were already assigned to that as reward for your heroism on Armaggeddon. Well best of luck, keep your powder dry and all that.

General in Chief Spase


-----------------------------------------------------

Dear the Space Emperor of Luv!

I know that work place romances can be hard but when you're a full-on professional like me it's almost impossible to meet women, especially when work requires I travel almost all the time.

As it happens there is a single woman on my team, and we work closely together. And let me tell you no one fills out an armored corset and skull bra like she does.

So what do you think is the best way to take our relationship to the next level?

Sincerely
Interrogator Payne
Ordo Hereticus Rapid Strike Vessel Emperor's Word



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/18 17:54:52


Post by: halonachos


Dear Interrogator,

I've told you guys before, stop trying to get into my wives' pants. They're married to me and ONLY me.

PS. I'm open to the idea of a threesome soif you are okay with that then I'll put in a good word for ya.

Sincerely,
THE MOST EXCELLENT IN BED SPASHE EMPRA!!




Dear Emperor of all the Empire,

As a loyal and fervent member of the Ecclshiary, I hae been awarded an eviscerator. I had an excelent time with it for about the first 4 weeks and then I got bored with it. I prayed and prayed that it would become more awesomer, but then I realised that you are too busy answering these letters to answer any prayers. Can you make my executioner more awesomer for me please?

Yours in faith,

Nemo Amat.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/18 19:11:28


Post by: Lordhat


Dear Nemo,
No. But I heard if you add an eviscerator to your eviscerator, then every Sister of Battle in the Galaxy will be instantly overcome with passion. EVERYBODY wants to see that. So get to work.

Teh Saze Emprah.

Dear Eternally Constipated One,

My Seargeant tells me that forests no longer block line of sight, and I can finally start shooting my MultiMelta at those tanks on the other side. I told him that change is heresy and Melta'd HIM instead. Now I'm up on charges of treason. Can I get a number for a good space lawyer?

-Brother Constant, Space Marine of the 'The Emporer Never Moves and Neither Shall We' Chapter


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/19 00:48:10


Post by: bigdaddydreadnought


Dear Brother constant,
you have done well to stop the heresy of your sergeant, for such a brave act i will let you borrow my awesome SoB Pr0nz enjoy!
Da Spaceszorsz emperorzorz

Dear Toilet dweller: why do you never let us get lucky with the SoB? i mean really, no wonder horus Tried to kill you and left you to rot on the potty!

-Horn-um-spiky Heretic


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/22 20:34:49


Post by: Lordhat


Dear zitfaced teen,

Ain't MY fault you gots no game. Suck it up.


Dear He-Who-Sits

Why is it that my Landraider can shoot equally well in the vacuum of space, or the bottom of an ocean, but if I depress the accelerator, the guns won't fire?

Confused speed freek.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/23 02:33:21


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear He-Who-Sits

Why is it that my Landraider can shoot equally well in the vacuum of space, or the bottom of an ocean, but if I depress the accelerator, the guns won't fire?

Confused speed freek.


Dear Xenos Filth

Land Raiders are sacred relics of the Imperium that we can no longer replace but somehow never run out of. Looting a Land Raider is a crime punishable by triple death. We will find you, kill you, clone you, raise you to adulthood, kill you again, then travel through time and kill you a third time just you are hatching as a spore.

But that doesn't answer your question.

You see it's to be fair to your foes. Did you ever notice how your foes politely sit back and allow you to move, then shoot, then assault but never do anything themselves?

Well we need you to show the same courtesy by not moving too far and shooting all your weapons. Remember we fight wars for fun, and balanced wars is one way of keeping it fun for everyone.

yours,
Teh

PS - If on the off chance you are a human into speed and not an Ork Speed Freak, well sorry about that triple death thing.

Dear my most Magnificent Master:

Lately the news is all doom and gloom. The economic crisis, the crash in the price of Franklin Mint Collector's Plates, Galactic warming, the War on Chaos etc.

It seems we have a lot of problems.

I think this is caused by naughty, naughty school girls who chew gun and pass notes and roll up their skirts so as to flaunt their ankles in a most unwholesome way and plan midnight rendevues with the boys school from across the lake and think I don't know about it but I do, I DO!

So do you think if peirce their sinful flesh with sharp needles and caress them with the loving touch of my lash as I drive them against our foes if will solve the problems we face?

Sincerely
Mother Mahem
Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering

PS - I think I know the answer in my heart so I'll just go ahead and do it now.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/27 03:09:21


Post by: lifeafter


Dear my most Magnificent Master:

Lately the news is all doom and gloom. The economic crisis, the crash in the price of Franklin Mint Collector's Plates, Galactic warming, the War on Chaos etc.

It seems we have a lot of problems.

I think this is caused by naughty, naughty school girls who chew gun and pass notes and roll up their skirts so as to flaunt their ankles in a most unwholesome way and plan midnight rendevues with the boys school from across the lake and think I don't know about it but I do, I DO!

So do you think if peirce their sinful flesh with sharp needles and caress them with the loving touch of my lash as I drive them against our foes if will solve the problems we face?

Sincerely
Mother Mahem
Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering

PS - I think I know the answer in my heart so I'll just go ahead and do it now.


Dear Over the top Loyal Servant,

I feel like I've been dealing with your lot for well over the 10,000 years, or at least since I fully chose of my own free will to sit on this chair. You know, for years 1 through 1994, my answers were always the same, "you're righteous in your pursuit of the defeat of this terribly frivolity, blah blah blah..." Then that Tootsie Roll song came out and I was total moved to let go of my prudish ways. Of course, then every thing went to hell, there was an age of darkness, a crusade, and 10,000 year old bed sores on my butt. Lady, I've been doing this gig for too long. I've been telling your kind the "right" answers for longer than I can remember, so I'm curious. Let's see what happens...

Mother Over the Top, lay off. Let them play around. They may go across the lake, but they'll come back. They always come back. What better way to show the folly of the temptations of flesh than a few unwanted increases in population? Besides, just imagine your pupils' hatred of men when they get gilted. You can't teach that brand of bitterness.

What the Hell,

Slowly Losing Interest on Terra


Dear the Space Empreror,

My name is Timmy and I'm in the 4th level of gradation at the Ministorum Scholum. I know you're probably inundated with prayers from brave Space Marines and Guardsmen defending my race, but I totally need your help. You see, I knew I totally had a test on the lives of the first 10 Primarchs today, but i didn't have time to study. I know I should have been preparing for this test like, 2 weeks ago when we first knew it was assigned, but I totally forgot. Half Life 47 came out and I totally had to download the TF 793 mod. Well one thing led to another and now I've Mrs. Gretchin is walking down the isle and I don't know Vulkan from Kahn any more than I know whether you're left handed or right. The point is, if you could come through and help me out with this, I'll totally be loyal servant forever. Not that I wouldn't otherwise, but maybe I'll be more willing to not skip the Echlesiarchal masses on Sunday...Forget it, I'm desperate. You grant me divine knowledge of the Primarchs within time for this test and I'll you totally have yourself a loyal, celebant, bathrobe donning jerk forever.

Yours Truly,

Timothy Sorter


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/28 22:23:45


Post by: oomiestompa


Dear the Space Empreror,

My name is Timmy and I'm in the 4th level of gradation at the Ministorum Scholum. I know you're probably inundated with prayers from brave Space Marines and Guardsmen defending my race, but I totally need your help. You see, I knew I totally had a test on the lives of the first 10 Primarchs today, but i didn't have time to study. I know I should have been preparing for this test like, 2 weeks ago when we first knew it was assigned, but I totally forgot. Half Life 47 came out and I totally had to download the TF 793 mod. Well one thing led to another and now I've Mrs. Gretchin is walking down the isle and I don't know Vulkan from Kahn any more than I know whether you're left handed or right. The point is, if you could come through and help me out with this, I'll totally be loyal servant forever. Not that I wouldn't otherwise, but maybe I'll be more willing to not skip the Echlesiarchal masses on Sunday...Forget it, I'm desperate. You grant me divine knowledge of the Primarchs within time for this test and I'll you totally have yourself a loyal, celebant, bathrobe donning jerk forever.

Yours Truly,

Timothy Sorter


Dear Timtim,

You had the test? How is giving you knowledge of the Primarchs supposed to help you now? You played Half Life when you should have been writing me this email, didn't you. You procrastinated studying AND begging for help. I am impressed. The Imperium can always use self-motivated people like yourself. I will send out an Imperial Order to not only have your grade changed, but to force a High Lord to formally adopt you, making you wealthy and eventually powerful enough for a go-getter like you to truly make a difference. The Order will be sent out as soon as I get around to it. It's on Teh Spase Emporer's To-Do List and that means it will get done. Eventually. First, I need to go kill some Ripper Swarms with a Power Crowbar.

TSE

P.S. I am neither left nor right handed. I AM OMNI-HANDED!!!!

Dear Mr. Emporer,

We here at Uncle John's Big Bathroom Reader would like to thank you for being our most loyal customer for the last 40,000 years. In appreciation, we would like you to be on the cover of our next installment. You will, of course, be compensated and we will give you a gilded leather-bound first printing of the new book. So what do you say? Do we have a deal?

Uncle John


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/31 10:37:17


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Mr. Emporer,

We here at Uncle John's Big Bathroom Reader would like to thank you for being our most loyal customer for the last 40,000 years. In appreciation, we would like you to be on the cover of our next installment. You will, of course, be compensated and we will give you a gilded leather-bound first printing of the new book. So what do you say? Do we have a deal?

Uncle John


Uncle John's Bathroom Reader? They still print that.

Holy me, I mean I guess I still have a subscription but to tell the truth I haven't looked at in ages. Not since the Sisters got those webcams in the Chamber of Disciple installed. Tell the truth I barely have time for this column since then.

So um yeah, go ahead and put me on the cover. Whatever. The Litany of the Lash is about to come on.

Your loyal reader
The Emp

Dear our master:

Most Exceptional Emperor of Space, now I am not one to complain. After all, why should I? Here I am Chapter Master of a new founded marine chapter, with a nifty glowing sword, armor covered with bling and 100 young healthy scouts awaiting my personal tutalage. Personally, all is well.

But my chapter...

It seems we are the cursed chapter since the Fire Hawks. I won't bore you with the details but here are some recent examples.

Last month Devestator Squads Obliterator and Havok along with assault squad Raptor dropped into the Omega 12 Warzone and immediately came under fire. After a terrible struggle they fought their way free and found that they'd been under attack by the Cadian 23rd Rifles!

Then the next week tactical squad Dire Avenger, assault squad Swooping Hawk and scout squad Striking Scorpion landed their Thunderhawk only to find themselves under attack by Sisters of Battle.

Then this week our Battle Barge the Thousand Suns was ambushed by the Black Templars!

Naturally they apologized once we straightened things out but that was only after we lost 28 battle brothers from assault squad Bezerker, scout squad Lords of Night and terminator squad Guards of Death. Even our venerable dreadnaught the Warrior of Iron was destroyed in the mistaken assault.

Oh great Space Emporer, I beg you how can we list this terrible curse?

Sincerely,
Aba Don
Chapter Master of the Children of the Emperor




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/05/31 16:02:33


Post by: Phloop


Aba Don wrote:
Dear our master:

Most Exceptional Emperor of Space, now I am not one to complain. After all, why should I? Here I am Chapter Master of a new founded marine chapter, with a nifty glowing sword, armor covered with bling and 100 young healthy scouts awaiting my personal tutalage. Personally, all is well.

But my chapter...

It seems we are the cursed chapter since the Fire Hawks. I won't bore you with the details but here are some recent examples.

Last month Devestator Squads Obliterator and Havok along with assault squad Raptor dropped into the Omega 12 Warzone and immediately came under fire. After a terrible struggle they fought their way free and found that they'd been under attack by the Cadian 23rd Rifles!

Then the next week tactical squad Dire Avenger, assault squad Swooping Hawk and scout squad Striking Scorpion landed their Thunderhawk only to find themselves under attack by Sisters of Battle.

Then this week our Battle Barge the Thousand Suns was ambushed by the Black Templars!

Naturally they apologized once we straightened things out but that was only after we lost 28 battle brothers from assault squad Bezerker, scout squad Lords of Night and terminator squad Guards of Death. Even our venerable dreadnaught the Warrior of Iron was destroyed in the mistaken assault.

Oh great Space Emporer, I beg you how can we list this terrible curse?

Sincerely,
Aba Don
Chapter Master of the Children of the Emperor




Yo, Aba Don!
You seem to be listing the curse quite well on your own there. You might want to add some bullet-points for easy reading next time, though, since I'm a busy "Corpse on a Throne" and my plate's kinda full. But hey, thanks for asking advice! I get quite the ego boost outta that. Like that one time the Ultramarines were all like, "FOR THE EMPARAAAAAAGH!" and they basted all sortsa gak outta some othr dudes, damn it was cool.

So yeah, I can take care of the curse thing for 1000 souls. Take it or leave it.

Regards,
THE SPEEESE EMPRAAAAAAGH!




Dear Space Empororooroor,

How would you feel about enlarging your penis size by at least 4 inches GUARANTEED?! (Results might vary. We are not responsible for any loss of genatelia or scarring that may occur)

Love,
Big Time Pharma


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/06/04 16:47:10


Post by: oomiestompa


Dear Space Empororooroor,

How would you feel about enlarging your penis size by at least 4 inches GUARANTEED?! (Results might vary. We are not responsible for any loss of genatelia or scarring that may occur)

Love,
Big Time Pharma


Dear BTP,

Thanks, but no thanks. I've used enough of that kind of product over the years. There's diminishing returns around the twentieth enhancement you use. Now it looks like one of the hundreds of cables attached to my head. It's really gross. Looking back, I regret ever taking any of those products because I'm a quadriplegic and can't feel it anyways. Thanks for the question though! I always appreciate it when someone tried to help me instead of asking for my assistance. Stay in touch!

The Loneliest Lil' Spase Emporer


Dear Space Umperor,

How dare you call that guy loyal when he was clearly a mutant! And then after I accidentally denounced you, you threw me out of the Imperium! You can't throw me out of the Imperium! I'm throwing YOU out of the Imperium! I want to clobber you with my power maul, but you're literally thousands of light-years away, so my combat-beverage dispensing servitor will have to do. Take that you innocent stand-in for someone I hate! Ha!

Captain Zambrano
The 101st Cadian Baby Bears


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/06/09 15:08:53


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Space Umperor,

How dare you call that guy loyal when he was clearly a mutant! And then after I accidentally denounced you, you threw me out of the Imperium! You can't throw me out of the Imperium! I'm throwing YOU out of the Imperium! I want to clobber you with my power maul, but you're literally thousands of light-years away, so my combat-beverage dispensing servitor will have to do. Take that you innocent stand-in for someone I hate! Ha!

Captain Zambrano
The 101st Cadian Baby Bears


Y'know I get a letter like this once a week and every time I'm like WTF.

OK dude, let's say you do leave the Imperium where you gonna go? Chaos? Unless you're a space demon or a spikey marine they want nothing to do with you.

Tau? Oh sure they SAY they take humans but unless you're using rules from like a 5 year old WD article they got no room for you.

Counts as? Yeah, whatever, if you don't mind spending a half hour EVERY GAME explaining that the guys with red hats are slugger boyz and the guys with blue hats are are shoota boyz.

Fan codex? Yeah, like anyone will ever let you use it. Have fun playing with the squats and the pan fo!

Nope, the only way you can go is IG but with chaos stars painted on your stuff. Sure you can call yourself an Arch Heretic but in you're heart you're still a Company Command Squad. And that means your mine.

The Big E
Now and Forever

Dear the Space Emperor

Growing up an orphan is hard, especially since my dad died around the time I was born. Since then I've kind of drifted going through life looking for a father figure, my uncle, an old hermit, this little muppet dude... Never my mind on where I was, what I was doing. Well recently I was hanging with my friend when this creepy old guy with astma comes by and tells me HE'S my father and that I should walk out on my friends and join him.

Now when I told him no, he got violent and abusive and I had to get away pretty fast. But ever since they I've had these nagging doubts, what if he was telling the truth?

My friends say I'm nuts but still... what should I do?

L. Skywalker
Tatooine


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/06/10 06:38:33


Post by: Lordhat




Dear the Space Emperor

Growing up an orphan is hard, especially since my dad died around the time I was born. Since then I've kind of drifted going through life looking for a father figure, my uncle, an old hermit, this little muppet dude... Never my mind on where I was, what I was doing. Well recently I was hanging with my friend when this creepy old guy with astma comes by and tells me HE'S my father and that I should walk out on my friends and join him.

Now when I told him no, he got violent and abusive and I had to get away pretty fast. But ever since they I've had these nagging doubts, what if he was telling the truth?

My friends say I'm nuts but still... what should I do?

L. Skywalker
Tatooine


Dear Mr. Crysobber,

Your friends aren't telling you you're nuts, they're asking you where ARE your nuts? Seriously, grow a pair and get over your daddy issues. And stop trying to kiss your sister! (Yes I saw that.)

Dear Omnipotent Sitter,

What's the best way to get Saint Celestine alone in a dark alley? I really want to..... um..... talk with her.

- Lucius the Eternal


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/06/14 06:09:35


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear Omnipotent Sitter,

What's the best way to get Saint Celestine alone in a dark alley? I really want to..... um..... talk with her.

- Lucius the Eternal


Well I have it one good authority that she really, really digs guys with huge... motorcycles!

But you don't have a motorcycle do you? Cause you're a big loser compared to Doom Rider!

Ha-Ha-Ha!

Pimp Master E

Dear the Space Emperor

I've been a fighter pilot for almost 30 years now, fighting the good fight against our robotic foes and defending civilian ships.

But for the last few years I've felt, well different. I mean my voice is higher, my waist slimmer and my chest, well, I don't fit my old flight jackets let's just say that.

And I get really funny feeling when I look at the men in my unit.

What's going on here?

Sincerely
Lt S. Buck
Battlefleet Galactica

PS I tried talking this over with the commander of the air group and well... that didn't go the way I expected at all.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/06/23 17:55:20


Post by: oomiestompa


Dear the Space Emperor

I've been a fighter pilot for almost 30 years now, fighting the good fight against our robotic foes and defending civilian ships.

But for the last few years I've felt, well different. I mean my voice is higher, my waist slimmer and my chest, well, I don't fit my old flight jackets let's just say that.

And I get really funny feeling when I look at the men in my unit.

What's going on here?

Sincerely
Lt S. Buck
Battlefleet Galactica

PS I tried talking this over with the commander of the air group and well... that didn't go the way I expected at all.


Dear Ms. Buck,

Look, I don't have time for these kind of questions. It's like whenever anyone asks me about Squats. There never were any Squats! And you were always a woman! A feisty...short-tempered...hellcat of a woman. Mmm. Ah, I'm going to put you in for a temporary transfer to Terra to make sure you understand just how completely womanly you are. Don't die along the way.

TSE

Mr. Emperor,

I'm just writing to let you know I received your "payment" to cover "the home team." Seriously, though, picking the Terran Predators over the Martian Basilisks in the Sol division again this year? Let me tell you a little something about Spaseball. Even though it seems like winning is only based upon putting together a couple of consectutive individual accomplishments, if the players don't have chemistry with their teammates and the drive to win, they will fail every time. Every year, the Predators go out and spend trillions of spasebucks on the best free agents in the offseason trying to buy themselves a championship, and every year they suck. And why is that? It's because the players don't care. They're set for life! And by the time their manager lights a fire under them, some new guy comes in with bigger paycheck, pissing off the existing players. It's a poisonous atmosphere, and not even The Spase Emporer himself could will them to a division title, much less the coveted Galaxy Cup. Just some friendly advice. I've been taking your money for the past few hundred years, and I kind of want to see you win for once.

Inquisitor Book E. Fence


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/06/29 19:58:17


Post by: halonachos


Dear Fence,

Not even the space emperor could will it eh? I hereby decree that all teams competing against the Predators must have no more than 1 limb per player and that teams with players who have more than 1 limb get a bazillion points automatically.

How about that mr.doubt man!

THE SPACE EMPRA!!



Dear Emperor,

I lost my phone the other day while I was visiting terra and was wondering if you had found it or if you could get some guys to look for it. I know this seems unimportant but while I was there some really hot chick gave me her number and I put it in my phone. As a fellow dude, I think you can get the graveness of this issue.

From,
Wants to hook up on terra!

PS: Its grim dark in color.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/07/08 19:39:09


Post by: oomiestompa


Dear Emperor,

I lost my phone the other day while I was visiting terra and was wondering if you had found it or if you could get some guys to look for it. I know this seems unimportant but while I was there some really hot chick gave me her number and I put it in my phone. As a fellow dude, I think you can get the graveness of this issue.

From,
Wants to hook up on terra!

PS: Its grim dark in color.


Dear WTHUOP,

You want me to devote vital Imperial resources to search an ENTIRE PLANET for a phone? And it's grimdark? Even if it was sitting at my feet, I wouldn't be able to see it because no one fething cleans around here! The phone would just blend right into the grime. I'm not even going to waste my time. Tough rocks, pal.

Emps

Dear Spase Empy,

Where do babies come from?

Little Sophie


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/07/10 16:04:52


Post by: Red_Lives


Dear Spase Empy,

Where do babies come from?

Little Sophie

Dear Little Sophie,

They come from me, your lord god emperor!

Infact, its heretical for you to even ask this question! It should have been instructed to you by Imperial Child Raising Manual 8675309 Or ICRM 8675309 for short.
Therefor it has been determined that you and your family unit must be heretics for not instructing you properly, and hiding pure truths. The Inquisition has been notified, you will be dead before reading this response.

Sincerely
Spase Empy.



Dear My lord God Emperor,

I think my brothers wife might be a heretic. But i cannot prove this, and i do not have the authority to execute her for it. How can i find out for sure if she is one? And if i was to call the arbiter and be wrong I'm sure my brother would claim i was lying and i would be most likely executed for wasting the time of an officer of the imperium. Please help me my lord!

Praise be to you,
Imperial citizen 16254982648566927597264957264898575329200919239132345128976


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/07/10 19:21:42


Post by: Kilkrazy



Dear My lord God Emperor,

I think my brothers wife might be a heretic. But i cannot prove this, and i do not have the authority to execute her for it. How can i find out for sure if she is one? And if i was to call the arbiter and be wrong I'm sure my brother would claim i was lying and i would be most likely executed for wasting the time of an officer of the imperium. Please help me my lord!

Praise be to you,
Imperial citizen 16254982648566927597264957264898575329200919239132345128976





Dear Imperial Citizen 16254982648566927597264957264898575329200919239132345128976

Don’t waste time checking, burn them both.

If you brother's wife might be tainted with heresy, your brother is probably tainted with heresy too. It’s the only safe thing to do.

In fact you had better burn yourself while you're at it.

Thanks for your loyalty...




Dear The Space Emporer,

This letter is to inform you that your Spase Broadband Psykik Router upgrade will be delivered after 2p.m. next Friday.

If no-one is at home, can we leave the package with a neighbour?

Yours truly,


Imporial Express






Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/07/11 09:55:03


Post by: Kilkrazy



Dear The Space Emporer,

This letter is to inform you that your Spase Broadband Psykik Router upgrade will be delivered after 2p.m. next Friday.

If no-one is at home, can we leave the package with a neighbour?

Yours truly,


Imporial Express



Dear Imporial Express,

If no-one answers the door, please leave the parcel behind the Golden Throne.

If someone answers the door and says he is my son, DON’T GIVE IT TO HIM!

Thanks,


Teh Space Emporer



Dear Teh Space Emporer of Cosmic Space,

I am writing at the command of Her Majesty Queen Pondscum III of the planet Optimus Prime in the system Havanago.

Our planet was an Ice World until all the ice melted owing to Galactic Warming and most of the surface got covered with seas.

We used to have two Standard Template Constructs. One of them was sunk under the sea and the other one made ice schooners. It was proposed to change the ice schooners to sea schooners by removing the skis, but obviously this heresy was squashed immediately. Everyone knows that Imperial equipment is perfect and should never be changed.

Now our planetary defence force is a navy of sail powered ice schooners. The drag of the skis makes them slow to turn. Our tactical system is of course based on a consistent series of moves to the right, like all Imperial policy, so this drag issue was quite a problem on manoeuvres.

This didn’t trouble us until five years ago, when the blue-skin noseless fishmen Xenos arrived on the planet. We were ready to fight to our last yacht to repel them, however they did not attack and merely sailed around in trawler boats sending us messages about “The Greater Cod” or something. We didn’t listen to their heresy and they do have a bad accent.

Very recently a means of repelling the fishmen presented itself but we cannot take advantage until we receive some vital supplies.

Unknown to us the second STC has been manufacturing Land Raiders ever since it got sunk. As Land Raiders can travel under the sea, the Machine Spirits just parked them as they were built, because they had no orders to do anything else. Eventually, there were so many parked Land Raiders that the most recently manufactured copy had to travel up out of the sea to find a parking place and it arrived in one of our harbours.

We immediately identified ourselves as loyal Imperial subjects and requested the Machine Spirit’s help in repelling the fishmen. We asked the Land Raider to return under the sea and come back with more Land Raiders -- apparently there are over 21,000 unused Land Raiders parked in various places on the sea bottom.

The Machine Spirit was amenable but it refuses to enter service until it has been painted in the correct heraldic colours of our navy, which are black and ice orange. Our difficulty is that we do not have any ice orange paint which will stick to the Ceramadamantiumite armour hull of the Land Raider.

Please would you send 100 litres of ice orange paint, and a size 10 tank brush?

Yours in Xenos hate,


Lord High Admiral Algae Catfish, Keeper of the Royal Marmalade.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/07/15 05:34:49


Post by: hawkeye


Kilkrazy wrote:


Please would you send 100 litres of ice orange paint, and a size 10 tank brush?

Yours in Xenos hate,


Lord High Admiral Algae Catfish, Keeper of the Royal Marmalade.



Dear Lord High Admiral Algae Catfish, Keeper of the Royal Marmalade,

Thanks to my awesome psychic abilities I sent the paint you required a day before you wrote this letter
and thanks to the warp you may very well get the paint you require yesterday.



Dear Teh Space Emprah,

I have heard that once you go Black Templar you never go back. Why is that?

yours,
Guardsman Larry


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/07/15 06:26:32


Post by: Wrexasaur


GaurdsmenLarry wrote:Dear Teh Space Emprah,

I have heard that once you go Black Templar you never go back. Why is that?

yours,
Guardsman Larry


The answer to that is quite simple... the size of their guns.


Dear the benevolent Space emperor of space and stuff,

What happened to the simpsons? Where did it all go wrong?





Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/07/16 00:19:42


Post by: Cheese Elemental


Wrexasaur wrote:Dear the benevolent Space emperor of space and stuff,

What happened to the simpsons? Where did it all go wrong?

Dear Nameless,
the Spase Simpsons were good. They were my favourite show, but it was revealed by the Ordo Hereticus that due to their yellow complexion, they were in fact mutants from the deepest gutters of Necromunda. I wanted to stop them from being burninated, but I'm kind of tied in this big metal chair with my arms bolted in place and my vocal cords are a bit rotted anyway.

They have since been replaced by dull former Administratum clerks painted yellow. Sorry.

Yours sincerely,
Teh Spess Empra of the Spess Empire.

Dear Empra,
why am I bald? The other Blood Raven leaders all have hair, so why not me? I had hair as a child, but when I became a Spess Mehren, it all fell out. I noticed that none of my Battle-Brothers have hair, nor do those of other chapters. Are the leaders of the chapters taking some kind of illicit hair-growth drug, or do they have extensions of some kind?
Yours sincerely,
Sergeant 'Chrome-dome' Tarkus.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/07/16 06:54:45


Post by: Manchu


Dear Chrome-dome,

Do you honestly think you can fool me, Tarkus, just because your chapter is silly and no one--not even you Blood Ravens yourselves--can remember why you're around? No, no, I think not. I may not get around as much as in the old crusading days but I'm not so dead as to be fooled by a whiny Blood Raven. Your brothers Thaddeus and Avistus both have hair, although it is short cropped. Have you not seen, moreover, the way in which your brother Cyrus lovingly primps and preens, so proud of his girlish locks? Do not even think for a moment, Tarkus, that I made some sort of mistake in creating my Angels of Death. You will have to look elsewhere to explain the significant incidence of baldness among Spess Mehrenz. As for the topknots, well, please consult my sons Jaghatai and Leman.

Sincerely being the Master of the Universe in which you serve Me,

Teh Spess Empra

P.S.--you should have asked me about the origins of your chapter but too bad!


Dear Spess Empra

Why do you command the destruction of everyone but humans? We xenos have feelings, too, you know. Can't we appeal to your sense of the Greater Good? I mean, have you seen Commander Shadowsun?

Sincerely,

Lonely in D'yanoi




Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/03 19:46:43


Post by: hawkeye


Manchu wrote:

Dear Spess Empra

Why do you command the destruction of everyone but humans? We xenos have feelings, too, you know. Can't we appeal to your sense of the Greater Good? I mean, have you seen Commander Shadowsun?

Sincerely,

Lonely in D'yanoi




Dear Lonely Xenos,

I hold in my hands a report from the Ordos Xenos that states everything in the galaxy that is not human are unfeeling monsters worthy of only purging fires or a bolter round to the head. But fear not, I'm feeling benevolent today. I have dispatched 5 large men in black power armor to your location to help you with your lonliness. Bring friends.

- TSE


Dear Emprah of Spess,

At the time I thought having a power klaw the size of myself grafted to my body was a good idea. But I keep knocking things over, have to side step thru doors, and hve accidentally killed 2 kittens. On top of this my shoulder, and back hurt all the time trying to compensate for the weight. I know you helped me with that whole Armegeddon thing, but maybe you can help me one more time?

Your loyal servent,
Commisar Y


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/03 20:17:17


Post by: Orkeosaurus


Dear Hero of Armegeddon,

I suggest you do what the orks do, and carry a knife that's also the size of your body in your other hand. That way they will, presumably, balance each other out.



deagr empeaoir

oi gotg got imrp a fdoigjt with asn rok hjo calkews hoimaswe;fd Ol;d zPgwort

noei sjhve to typr wogh my moutgh :(

sin cedarly casptisn lysdcandefr


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/04 02:13:02


Post by: Mekboy


Well, Casptisn Lysdcandefr, I'm afraid being a squig is heresy, psykery and mutation. In addition to this I am a keen lover of grammar. I hereby sentance you to be ordered to type up in full the laws of Bamginia XIIV. Then I might consider de-squigifying you.

-Spehss Emprah



Dear Space Emperor

I wuz wondrin, wotz betta:

A big wagon wiv a real big gun dat killz stuff ded

Or a load of runty grots with bomz dat kill stuff less ded but gives ya roasted grot for da victory feast.

Coz we've got dis big battle against doze panzy eldar and I wunts ta kill em good.

Mekboss Kogtoof


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/04 02:16:12


Post by: Mekboy


Double post o' DOOM.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/04 02:31:52


Post by: Death Gear





Dear Space Emperor
I wuz wondrin, wotz betta:

A big wagon wiv a real big gun dat killz stuff ded

Or a load of runty grots with bomz dat kill stuff less ded but gives ya roasted grot for da victory feast.

Coz we've got dis big battle against doze panzy eldar and I wunts ta kill em good.

Mekboss Kogtoof


Well Mekboss Kogtoof go for the runty grots because thay are vary good and it will help to kill more Xenos

Your loving Space Emporer

Dear Space Emporer
Why can't I become a SM, when I ask they beat me with dead grots why Emporer WHY!



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/05 20:24:17


Post by: hawkeye



Dear Space Emporer
Why can't I become a SM, when I ask they beat me with dead grots why Emporer WHY!



Dear Not a Spess Mahreen,

They don't allow you to be a SM becuse you allow yourself to be beaten up with dead grots. Try swinging one back instead of curling up into a ball and crying to me for help.

- The Big E (In Spess)


Dear Emperor of Mankind,

I have written you numerous times explaining my case. I am about to be executed for heresy and would really like it if you could call the Imperial Govenor for a stay of execution. A phone call, a letter, a post it note that says dont do it would also be great.

Yours,
Tick, Tock


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/11 06:06:19


Post by: Frenzied Potato


Dear Emperor of Mankind,

I have written you numerous times explaining my case. I am about to be executed for heresy and would really like it if you could call the Imperial Govenor for a stay of execution. A phone call, a letter, a post it note that says dont do it would also be great.

Yours,
Tick, Tock


Dear Tick, Tock,

I thank you for your letters and the opportunity it will provide others to learn from mistakes. I indeed sent a note to the Imperial Governor Mikel' asking him to immediately end the stay of execution. Unfortunately, he misinterpreted it as "stop delaying." Oh, well live and learn.

- Mr. Emperor



Dear Mr. E,

The sisters and I could use your advice on dating more specifically, whom among your followers is worthy of a Sister of Battle?

- Lonely in the convent


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/11 15:28:41


Post by: Cheese Elemental


Dear Mr. E,

The sisters and I could use your advice on dating more specifically, whom among your followers is worthy of a Sister of Battle?

- Lonely in the convent


Dear Poorly Disguised Desperate Woman,

I don't know. I heartily recommend that you and your entire convent set out for Holy Terra immediately, so that I can meet you in person and judge each and every one of you (possibly two at a time).

Yours sincerely,
the Horniest Corpse in the Universe.

Dear Fabulous Empra,

I think that the other Blood Ravens don't like me much. Avitus shot my foot off when I tried to give him a reassuring hug and Brother-Dreadnought Davian Thule went mad after I painted him pretty colours (dark red is so last season) and scented his sargophagus with lavender. How was I supposed to know he's allergic to it? What's more, Tarkus hit me when I tried to buff his bald head, the Captain won't let me near his hair with a comb, and Thaddeus stomped on the flowers I put in his jump-pack to make the smoke smell nice.

Why do the other sergeants hate me? All I want to do is share my floral doilies with them and bake them cupcakes, but they always point and laugh at my wavy silken hair in the cafeteria and even Chaplain Mikelus laughs at my beautifully woven dress. What's wrong with me?

Yours sincerely,
Scout Sergeant 'Muffins' Cyrus


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/13 23:55:44


Post by: Frenzied Potato


Cheese Elemental wrote:[b]

Dear Fabulous Empra,

I think that the other Blood Ravens don't like me much. Avitus shot my foot off when I tried to give him a reassuring hug and Brother-Dreadnought Davian Thule went mad after I painted him pretty colours (dark red is so last season) and scented his sargophagus with lavender. How was I supposed to know he's allergic to it? What's more, Tarkus hit me when I tried to buff his bald head, the Captain won't let me near his hair with a comb, and Thaddeus stomped on the flowers I put in his jump-pack to make the smoke smell nice.

Why do the other sergeants hate me? All I want to do is share my floral doilies with them and bake them cupcakes, but they always point and laugh at my wavy silken hair in the cafeteria and even Chaplain Mikelus laughs at my beautifully woven dress. What's wrong with me?

Yours sincerely,
Scout Sergeant 'Muffins' Cyrus


Dear Scout Sergeant 'Muffins' Cyrus,

I have taken the liberty of transferring you to a unit more appreciative of your skills, effective immediately.



-The Great One


Dear 'Uman Boss,

How many monies your teef worth? Mez a Goff so plenty teef! Bet yourz can buy spacershipz!

Sincerely,
Grot Grot


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/20 18:20:28


Post by: lord of the ghosts


Dear 'Uman Boss,

How many monies your teef worth? Mez a Goff so plenty teef! Bet yourz can buy spacershipz!

Sincerely,
Grot Grot
my teeth can buy you and your planet and your race and your 'teef' and the tau and the eldar and humanity and forever life and the nids and the space maries and whatever army is in the records, etc.
dear emp,something-or-other
is it a crime to forget your name?
-forgot my name wait its joe,no,no its uh, ................


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/20 18:25:27


Post by: lord of the ghosts


Anung Un Rama wrote:oh my gork! I killed the thread.
no seriously, I was kinda bored when I wrote this. If you like ignore it and answer that last question
oops


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/20 18:37:00


Post by: Gitzbitah


lord of the ghosts wrote:
dear emp,something-or-other
is it a crime to forget your name?
-forgot my name wait its joe,no,no its uh, ................



Oh Least, and Least Named of My Servants,

It is neither a crime, nor is it unexpected that you have forgotten your name. Honestly, I forget millions of my servants names. Forgetting my name is absolutely a crime. Boris did everything he could to save himself from my terrible wrath when he forgot my name, but I blew him out of this dimension. I believe you lesser beings call this the Boris Bearacy because it was so embarassing. Perhaps you named it after some bears? Eh, I'm bored. You are hereby renamed Boring. Enjoy it and worship me.

The Infallible Emprah of Spez



Mighty and Fearful Spess Emparar!

I've been having some difficulty with my tech-priest. He assures me that I must insert some portion of myself into the activation socket to turn on my communication dais, but then bursts into laughter everytime I do so. Would it be heresy if I punched him in what's left of his face? I've got nothing against you, but tech-priest Hurtz Doanit is really getting on my nerves. Also, does he have to stand on my foot to change the frequency of the radio?

With all due glory for your Spaceliness, and a rapidly decreasing reverence for the Omnissiah,
Rogue Trader Somnambulant


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/20 19:25:15


Post by: lord of the ghosts


Mighty and Fearful Spess Emparar!

I've been having some difficulty with my tech-priest. He assures me that I must insert some portion of myself into the activation socket to turn on my communication dais, but then bursts into laughter everytime I do so. Would it be heresy if I punched him in what's left of his face? I've got nothing against you, but tech-priest Hurtz Doanit is really getting on my nerves. Also, does he have to stand on my foot to change the frequency of the radio?

With all due glory for your Spaceliness, and a rapidly decreasing reverence for the Omnissiah,
Rogue Trader Somnambulant

no it is not heracity to punch him in the face,in fact i have assigned him to fight a hive fleet. You wont see him anymore then again, I did send your whole chapter......oops

dear name giver
thanks for the new name, my lasgun is broken can i get a leman russ for Christmas
- Boring



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/21 16:08:48


Post by: halonachos


Dear name giver
thanks for the new name, my lasgun is broken can i get a leman russ for christmas
- Boring

Dear boring,

Yeah you can have a leman russ for christmas, unfortunately its going to run you over for believing in the heretical holiday of christmas. Well have fun with your new tank, I know I enjoy the sound guardsman make when they get run over.

Sincerely, THE SPACE EMPEROROROR.



Dear, Big Guy,

There's an arm growing out of my head and I have prom tomorrow. Is there any way you can help me out, its so embarrasing.

From, Hurry Please.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/23 04:45:21


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


Dear, Big Guy,

There's an arm growing out of my head and I have prom tomorrow. Is there any way you can help me out, its so embarrasing.

From, Hurry Please.


Dear Harry Plees

Have no fear. My faithful inquisitors will ensure that you will not have to worry about the prom.

Your bestest Buddy
E

Dear the Space Emperor

The other day me and the guys was making fun of dem puny humans, you know, the ones with the green sissy suits and no power armor and flashlights stead of real guns.

So they was talking about their new Balk- Vilk- uh... flying thingies and I was all like what ever, come back when you got the cool stuff like the Land Speeder Storm, cause lemme tell you, that's the sheet right there.

Cept when the fighting starts all our Storms get shot down right away and all them Vallc- flying thingies are blowing up tanks left and right and guardsmen are jumping out of them with melta guns and flamers and I'm all like huh?

So like how come the weedy guys got them cool Vaulk- flying thingies and we don't huh? Huh?

Love
Marneus Calgar
Lord of Macragge
Chapter Master of the Ultramarines
Courage and Honour!


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 03:58:10


Post by: lord of the ghosts


Dear the Space Emperor

The other day me and the guys was making fun of dem puny humans, you know, the ones with the green sissy suits and no power armor and flashlights stead of real guns.

So they was talking about their new Balk- Vilk- uh... flying thingies and I was all like what ever, come back when you got the cool stuff like the Land Speeder Storm, cause lemme tell you, that's the sheet right there.

Cept when the fighting starts all our Storms get shot down right away and all them Vallc- flying thingies are blowing up tanks left and right and guardsmen are jumping out of them with melta guns and flamers and I'm all like huh?

So like how come the weedy guys got them cool Vaulk- flying thingies and we don't huh? Huh?

Love
Marneus Calgar
Lord of Macragge
Chapter Master of the Ultramarines
Courage and Honour!
dear 3 meter giant
because you have a better view thats why
E
i got noithing i will start the theard again later thank you


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 03:59:20


Post by: lord of the ghosts


lord of the ghosts wrote:
Anung Un Rama wrote:oh my gork! I killed the thread.
no seriously, I was kinda bored when I wrote this. If you like ignore it and answer that last question
oops
make a new question


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 20:18:06


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


(well we can't let the tread die now can we? So here's some relationship issues for TSE)

Dear the Space Emperor:

I love you.

I really love you.

I mean I LOVE you.

Sure all the other girls at the Fortress-Convent they SAID they loved you but they were just skanky hos trying to get between me and my man who I love.

LOVE!

That's why I pumped Toxin Gas into the Fortress COnvent's life support. I had to show those skanky hos my love for you.

LOVE!

I took the Convent's courier ship and set course for Holy Terra. Soon we'll be together, it's destiny.

And if those stuck-up gold-plated @#$#ers try and stop my from seeing you I'm gonna take their @#$#ing pole axes and @#$# them up the @#$!

Because I love you.

Love,
Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina
Order of the Emperor's Love
Fortress Convent #69, the Shrine of Eternal Devotion


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 20:27:41


Post by: dietrich


Dear Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina
Order of the Emperor's Love
Fortress Convent #69, the Shrine of Eternal Devotion,

If I had an army of womyns with your fervent passion, we could quickly dispatch all my foes. I look forward to seeing you jam things in those gold-plated fellows. Despite my requests, they won't do such things, saying it's "impure". I mean, I'm the frakking Space Emperor, they should do whatever I say, because whatever I say is pure.

On to another question.

Dear the Space Emperor:

You're a corpse god and we're coming for your shrunken frame. I will use your skull as a cup to drink the blood of the fools that worship you! Then they will see the true power of the universe as it reveals itself!

But, onto my question. I've been having trouble getting dried blood out the joints in my power armor. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed,
Karak Mundare
Seventh Company
Word Bearer Legion


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 20:50:07


Post by: Orkestra


Dear the Space Emperor:

You're a corpse god and we're coming for your shrunken frame. I will use your skull as a cup to drink the blood of the fools that worship you! Then they will see the true power of the universe as it reveals itself!

But, onto my question. I've been having trouble getting dried blood out the joints in my power armor. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed,
Karak Mundare
Seventh Company
Word Bearer Legion


Dear Heretic Scum,

This is an automatically generated reply. Due to the overwhelming about of hate mail received via the Eye of Terror Mailbox, we have implemented an automatic response system.
Thank you for your kind comments about the Emperor. Did you know that he is the God of all Humanity? Your kindness will be repaid in full should you make a pilgrimage to Holy Terra. Your loving comments shall be burnt in a sacred firepit somewhere on Terra.

Thank you,
The space emperor
there is a handwritten note scrawled onto the bottom hastily
Hey Karak, try mixing two parts water with one part Holy Prometheum. Soak in a bath of this, with your helmet on. Then light the mixture on fire, exit the bath, and dry yourself in front of a Slaaneshi Blastmaster.
Khorne's biggest fan,
Reggie the renegade guardsman.



Here's one for the space emperor.


Dear Space Emperor,
How do you grow food on an ice planet? An inquisitor, in his infinite wisdom, saw fit to bring me along with him on a holy mission to kill some xenos on an ice world. I came along and, using my lasgun, fought to protect his person from the xenos scum. After we had finished, the inquisitor offered me any reward within his power. Being a humble, Space Emperor-fearing man, all I asked for was to see my family again. He proceeded to leave. Two weeks later, he showed up on the Ice Planet with my whole family! Truly his wisdom is great. Now that he's gone again, I'm wondering if you have any ideas as to how we're going to to feed ourselves, all along on this hostile planet. Thank you in advance, almighty Space Emperor.
Sincerely,
Frozen on an Ice World.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 21:13:53


Post by: Kilkrazy



Dear the Space Emperor:

I love you.

I really love you.

I mean I LOVE you.

Sure all the other girls at the Fortress-Convent they SAID they loved you but they were just skanky hos trying to get between me and my man who I love.

LOVE!

That's why I pumped Toxin Gas into the Fortress COnvent's life support. I had to show those skanky hos my love for you.

LOVE!

I took the Convent's courier ship and set course for Holy Terra. Soon we'll be together, it's destiny.

And if those stuck-up gold-plated @#$#ers try and stop my from seeing you I'm gonna take their @#$#ing pole axes and @#$# them up the @#$!

Because I love you.

Love,
Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina
Order of the Emperor's Love
Fortress Convent #69, the Shrine of Eternal Devotion



Dear Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina

Emporer Love is the very best kind of Love as all my loyal subjects know. I congratulate you on your overflowing affection.

However, your message does not contain a question, so I will reply with a question of my own.

Do you know the penalty for willful misuse of Imperial interstellar communications systems?

Look it up before you arrive on Earth.


Love 'n' kisses,

The Spase Emp!
XOXOXO (x2)



Dear Top Chap,

I am writing in on behalf of a close friend of mine, who is too embarrassed to ask for himself.

Do you think he should grow a beard?

What style goes best with dark blue Spase armour and a lot of bionics?

Yours non-hirsutely,


Carneus Malgar, Macragge, Realm of Ultramar


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 21:22:56


Post by: airman



How do you grow food on an ice planet? An inquisitor, in his infinite wisdom, saw fit to bring me along with him on a holy mission to kill some xenos on an ice world. I came along and, using my lasgun, fought to protect his person from the xenos scum. After we had finished, the inquisitor offered me any reward within his power. Being a humble, Space Emperor-fearing man, all I asked for was to see my family again. He proceeded to leave. Two weeks later, he showed up on the Ice Planet with my whole family! Truly his wisdom is great. Now that he's gone again, I'm wondering if you have any ideas as to how we're going to to feed ourselves, all along on this hostile planet. Thank you in advance, almighty Space Emperor.
Sincerely,
Frozen on an Ice World.

First build a greenhouse them melt the ice using a lasgun.
Da space empra


Dear spacBLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD
SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE KILL KILL KILL
-khran



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 21:23:46


Post by: Kilkrazy



Dear Top Chap,

I am writing in on behalf of a close friend of mine, who is too embarrassed to ask for himself.

Do you think he should grow a beard?

What style goes best with dark blue Spase armour and a lot of bionics?

Yours non-hirsutely,


Carneus Malgar, Macragge




Dear Marneus, I mean Carneus,

A crisp goatee is the best kind of beard, except that everyone knows it means you are your evil twin from a parallel universe, so don’t do that. It won’t work for a Spase Marien. Everyone will think you are Choas and they'll want to check your rim.

I should go for a very long white beard like the guys out of ZZ Top. They’re cool. Also you should get one of those guitars which spins round in front.

Take my advice and give up on the piano. You’re not fooling anyone with the Liberace Marinz crap anyway, we all know the truth.

Yours, putting Wilkinson Sword out of business,


The Space Emporer.



The Spase Emperorr,

Enjoy more romantic nights...
Luxuriate with fems!

Energise your baby-maker,
Getting woody is simple.

You’ll go hard in a second
Romantic love!

Forge your huge love sword,
Become legendary macho.

Your woman will like your hose
Be her playmate tonight.

Give her furnace some heat
She’ll always feel it inside.

Drilling her until exhaustion? Easy!
Let passion prevail.

Yours, Cadian Pharmacy.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/08/28 22:30:15


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


The Spase Emperorr,

Enjoy more romantic nights...
Luxuriate with fems!

Energise your baby-maker,
Getting woody is simple.

You’ll go hard in a second
Romantic love!

Forge your huge love sword,
Become legendary macho.

Your woman will like your hose
Be her playmate tonight.

Give her furnace some heat
She’ll always feel it inside.

Drilling her until exhaustion? Easy!
Let passion prevail.

Yours, Cadian Pharmacy.


Thank you for this kind letter. I would ask Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina to pick some up on her way over but it seems your question does not contain a question either.

The Imperial Fists will be stopping by to have a talk about wasting the time of your undead god-king. ANd lemme tell you, you don't want to be fisted by an Imperial Fist.

Thanks
E

Dear the Most Mighty Emperor of all of Space

I have been a company commander for many, many light years and seen battles on 1000 worlds (give or take, do we count asteroids or not? Cause if not it's just 887 worlds). During my time I have endevoured to learn all of the arts of war.

So recently as I planned a PLANET! STRIKE! against a chaos-held world I was shocked when one of my Sergents suggested we lead the assualt with Land Speeder Storms and Iron Clad Dreadnaughts.

I naturally corrected him, assuming he mean to say Land Speeder Typhoons and Venerable Dreadnaughts but he swore there was such a thing as a Land Speeder Storm and an Iron Clad Dreadnaught.

So I called for a techmarine to settle the arguement and some guy calling himself 'the Master of the Forge' came in. Well I had never heard of someone called the Master of the Forge before but he presented his credentials and did the secret handshake. Now he claimed he'd always been with the chapter but I swear to you I never saw the guy before.

ANyway this Master of the Forge character says not only is there such a thing as a Land Speeder Storm and an Iron Clad Dreadnaught but that we've always had them and used them in many battles.

Now Great Emperor of Space, I will put my hand on a copy of the Giga Codex and swear to you that in my centuries of war I have never seen nor heard of these vehicles.

What's more the Master of the Forge suggested I use Razorbacks with Assault Cannons. I pointed out that Razorbacks cannot get Assualt Cannons (and implied he can't be much of a tech marine if he doesn't even know that!) but he responded by rolling out a dozen RBs with assault cannons. Once again he said we'd always had them.

Since then I've brought this up with many of my battle brothers but no one wants to talk about it. The Chaplain forbade me to discuss it further with anyone in the chapter. So I turn to you, for you are the only one who can help me.

What's going on!?

Sincerely

Brother Captain Cortez
4th Company
Crimson Fists

PS, what happened to my special rules?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/09 06:45:38


Post by: Shadowbrand


Dear Space Emperor.

Hi... it's been awhile? sorry to hear about the whole golden toil... I mean Throne!

I have a date today, and I wana hide the fact I am a Slannesh worshiper, now I know physically I can throw the gagged prisoner's away.
But any advice for perhaps visually? I have demonic wing's and wavy silver hair.

I want to impress her!


Your buddy
Shadowbrand.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/09 21:51:29


Post by: Orkestra


Shadowbrand wrote:Dear Space Emperor.

Hi... it's been awhile? sorry to hear about the whole golden toil... I mean Throne!

I have a date today, and I wana hide the fact I am a Slannesh worshiper, now I know physically I can throw the gagged prisoner's away.
But any advice for perhaps visually? I have demonic wing's and wavy silver hair.

I want to impress her!


Your buddy
Shadowbrand.


Dear Here- I mean Shadowbrand.

Hiding the fact that you're a heretic is almost as despicable as your heretical nature itself. Shame on you! However, since once you were my servant, I believe I have advice which can help you. First off, lose the wings. They're a definite sign of daemonic corruption, which is a turn-off for the ladies of the imperium. I recommend careful application of Lascannon blasts at the base of the wings. Next, the silver hair. Provided it isn't all on your head, I recommend removing that too. If you don't feel like shaving, a Heavy Flamer works very well in removing those unwanted shaggy patches. I hope that this advice will help your heretical self find love. If you found this advice helpful, please turn yourself in to my most Holy Inquisition, who will go about repatriating you into the imperium.

Your Loving Space Emperor.


Dear Space Emperor,

First off, let me say that I'm a huge fan. I'm so excited at the mere thought of writing a letter to You! Anyways, I have a very important question for You. How can I tell if my Neighbours are Genestealers? I really think they might be. They come and go at odd hours of the night, and they never say hi to me when I'm in the hallway. Also, my poodle (we named him Russ, after the primarch) went missing in their backyard. I can't prove anything, but I'm pretty sure that when they remodeled their kitchen they replaced the stove with egg sacs, and their swimming pool looks more and more like a spawning pool every day! Please help!

Yours truly,
Fearful for my Genes.


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/10 04:41:05


Post by: Kid_Kyoto




Dear Space Emperor,

First off, let me say that I'm a huge fan. I'm so excited at the mere thought of writing a letter to You! Anyways, I have a very important question for You. How can I tell if my Neighbours are Genestealers? I really think they might be. They come and go at odd hours of the night, and they never say hi to me when I'm in the hallway. Also, my poodle (we named him Russ, after the primarch) went missing in their backyard. I can't prove anything, but I'm pretty sure that when they remodeled their kitchen they replaced the stove with egg sacs, and their swimming pool looks more and more like a spawning pool every day! Please help!

Yours truly,
Fearful for my Genes.


Dear ph34r

A very good and prudent question. What you must do is laundry. Yes, laundry. Wash your clothes and leave any blue denim pants on the line overnight. If they are gone in the morning then your neighbors are jean stealers and must be purged in fire.

Your partner in crime fighting
Officer Emporer
-------------------------------------------------
Dear my most wise master,

M'lord I noticed you did not reply to my question about how could we have ALWAYS had thunderfire cannons and land speeder storms but I never knew about them so I was wondering if-

KNOCK KNOCK

Pardon one moment someone is at the door.

Oh hello Inquisitor, how can I help - YAHHHH!!

OH MERCIFUL EMPORER! NOT THE RECTUM! NOT THE RECTUM!

ARG!

Love
Captain Cortez
Crimson Fists

PS what happened to my special rules?


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/10 05:45:20


Post by: Lordhat


Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear my most wise master,

M'lord I noticed you did not reply to my question about how could we have ALWAYS had thunderfire cannons and land speeder storms but I never knew about them so I was wondering if-

KNOCK KNOCK

Pardon one moment someone is at the door.

Oh hello Inquisitor, how can I help - YAHHHH!!

OH MERCIFUL EMPORER! NOT THE RECTUM! NOT THE RECTUM!

ARG!

Love
Captain Cortez
Crimson Fists

PS what happened to my special rules?


Dear Captain Cortez,
I thought I made it abundantly clear: All my Space Marines are special, and don't require anything like 'rules' to prove it. P.S. Glad to hear that my legal team caught up with you regarding your lack of adherence to Imperial Mandate 7503324 Sec. 3 Sub-paragraph 31, which you'll find reads: "There are lots and lots of vehicles in the Imperium. Even if you've never heard of one before, you've always used it and always will, and each and every vehicle was the sole deciding factor in each in every battle there ever was, and of course the Imperium won."



Dear Big Cheese:

My new neighbor Thorsvald Thorson Lokibane Balladmuse Bighammer refuses to fence in his yard, and now his Thunderwolf has eaten my hand. Could you please enlighten me on the best way to enact the Leash laws?

Yours Truly,

Tyr.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/12 04:31:22


Post by: lord of the ghosts


Dear Big Cheese:

My new neighbor Thorsvald Thorson Lokibane Balladmuse Bighammer refuses to fence in his yard, and now his Thunderwolf has eaten my hand. Could you please enlighten me on the best way to enact the Leash laws?

Yours Truly,

Tyr.
dear tyr,
go to the armory on your planet, they will give you a lasgun use it on that in' hound

dear empreh!
why didn't the ultramarines protect my double headed eagle?, its a symbol of your emperah-ness
-inquisitor-serving-servitor-boring


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/13 16:36:41


Post by: Orlanth


dear empreh!
why didn't the ultramarines protect my double headed eagle?, its a symbol of your emperah-ness
-inquisitor-serving-servitor-boring


To: Inquisitor S.S. Boring
CC: Inquisitorial articulate correspondence committee, penal duties sub-section

Dear Inquisitor Boring,

I am indeed sorry that your personal aquila got damaged and that the Ultramarines were not present to prevent the loss, but you were lax in reporting this fact through proper channels at the appropriate time. We cannot be held responsible for basic user error, allowing for our calculations the duty battle group on station, and in sector, at the time of this unfortunate incident were in fact the 2nd Company of the Vermillion Slaughters Imperial Space Marines, chapter number 816. Your call for Ultramarines support needed to be logged through the Macgragge offices rather than the designated call centres placing the Imperial administratum under unnecessary bureaucratic strain. We can't have that, can't we Inquisitor?
Please remember for Adeptus Astates service you must now dial 01-555-KILL'EMALL and speak clearly after the tone, if you wish to use the automated service outside of office hours please wait and listen to the instructions; as the planetary subselection group option used to have the option to press 1 for Exterminatus and press 4 to arrange a bonus half-day public holiday. These options have been inadvertently switched during the implementation of an additional option 5 intended to include both of these benefits in reverse order.

Thankyou for your cooperation

The Big E.



Dear Spase Emporer of Spase

Our holy Imperial agony aunt fan mail of spase has been intercepted by some oddity resembling a bat winged grot. He has been appearing around of late not answeering questions and generally messing up the thread. Wont it be so much nicer if he is thrown to the mercy of the Dark Mods to be cleansed by excruciation?

Ilos Theplott



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/15 05:19:42


Post by: Jimsolo


Dear Spase Emporer of Spase

Our holy Imperial agony aunt fan mail of spase has been intercepted by some oddity resembling a bat winged grot. He has been appearing around of late not answeering questions and generally messing up the thread. Wont it be so much nicer if he is thrown to the mercy of the Dark Mods to be cleansed by excruciation?

Dear Ilos: The Exterminatus has been ordered. Mine holy Inquisition shalt smite him with fire and with steel


Dear Space Emperor: All of your citizens are crying out for a change in government? Don't you think that a more open minded policy to cooperation with xenos species would benefit all of you--I mean us--in the long run? After all, shouldn't we do what is right for the greater--er--for the benefit of the majority?

Sincerely, John Notatau


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/17 04:25:48


Post by: Kid_Kyoto


jimsolo wrote:


Dear Space Emperor: All of your citizens are crying out for a change in government? Don't you think that a more open minded policy to cooperation with xenos species would benefit all of you--I mean us--in the long run? After all, shouldn't we do what is right for the greater--er--for the benefit of the majority?

Sincerely, John Notatau


Dear Mr. Notatau

Yes... yes... I like the sound of this a lot. Let there be peace between us and the vagina-headed fish men. Let the Tau come for a great peace conference in the Gud Fur Am Bush system. Let them come unarmed, in peace.

Heh, heh, heh.

Oh sorry, I didn't mean to say heh, heh, heh aloud. Forget that part.

The Big E

--------------------------------------------------
Dear The Space Emperor

I was raised a Puritan Imperialist like my daddy and my daddy's daddy I've murdered a mutant every monday.

But my neighbor was raised fundamentalist Imperialist like her mommy and her mommy's mommy she has waterboarded a witch every wednesday.

Every week I pass by her house and have to hear her heretical practices, sometimes they keep me up all night.

Do you think I should leave a polite note in her mail box explaining the problem?

Or should I form a mob, burn down her house and kill her for heresy?

Love
Purist on Pluto


Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/19 03:51:31


Post by: Lordhat


Dear Purist,

Some people say the best kind of conflict is the one you never have to have. I say The best conflict is the one you only have to have once. May the household with the strongest faith in me survive. I'm sending you each 3 Platoons if Imperial Guard to resolve the matter. (To all you PPV addicts out there This will be broadcast on Imperial TV. Only 3,000 fattened psykers to watch)!



Dear Mighty Herald of all that is awesome and metal,

You have all the answers. What does it feel like to be so knowledgable that you never have to ask questions? I tried doing that and it just got me killed.


-Eldrad.



Ask teh Space Emporer! @ 2009/09/22 19:29:22


Post by: Deathbot


Dear Eldrad,

Frankly, it's kinda boring. For one thing, I can never read a mystery novel and wonder who the villain is.

-Teh Emperor
------------
Dear Emperor,

I suck at my job as Warmaster of Chaos. Can you give me some tips?

-Abaddon the Despoiler