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Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/30 20:11:14


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


How do!

Because there is a time and a place for crap jokes. And this is it.

I’ll kick off.

What do Linda McCartney, Paul McCartney, Denny Seiwell, Denny Lane and Incom’s T-65B star fighter have in common?

They’re all X-Wings,


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/30 23:10:04


Post by: PaddyMick


Terrible. Well done.

Why did the baker wash his hands before he went to the toilet? He kneaded a poo.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/30 23:31:04


Post by: Olthannon


Where does Napoleon keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/31 00:18:36


Post by: Flinty


What is the scariest thing in the jungle?

Bam-BOO!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/31 14:53:12


Post by: krijthebold


Why was the egg silly?

Because it was always cracking yolks!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/31 15:38:36


Post by: Ensis Ferrae


There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/31 15:59:59


Post by: The_Real_Chris


There are many variation of this joke. They extend the torture or not.

Rather than type it...
http://www.swil.org/JoelPage/purplejoke.html

Otherwise how do elephants hide in cherry trees?
Paint their toenails red.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/31 16:47:06


Post by: Duskweaver


Why do the French consider it greedy to eat more than one egg at a time?

Because one egg is always un oeuf.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/31 19:32:33


Post by: El Torro


Why did the mushroom have lots of friends?

Cos he was a fun guy.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/31 19:42:45


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Why did the weirdo cross the road?

They couldn’t get their knob out the chicken.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/01/31 23:23:30


Post by: Flinty


Wow… that escalated quickly!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 00:49:39


Post by: privateer4hire


Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.
Inside a dog it’s too dark to read


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 01:22:46


Post by: Peterhausenn


What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

“Aye, matey!”


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 03:39:57


Post by: Vulcan


El Torro wrote:
Why did the mushroom have lots of friends?

Cos he was a fun guy.


That joke was in spore taste...


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 04:48:23


Post by: ZergSmasher


Why are children usually not allowed to go see pirate movies?
Because they are rated Arrr!

What happens when ducks fly upside down?
They quack up.

I once met a dyslexic devil-worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa.

If you're a person, time flies when you're having fun. If you're a frog, time's fun when you're having flies.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 10:29:18


Post by: Olthannon


My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education, because they were both druids.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 14:56:33


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


What’s brown and sticky?

A stick insect.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 20:05:04


Post by: Flinty


What do you call a squiggly beast in a pile of leaves? Russel

Why did the troll swim upside down? I think it was so he didn’t stand on the fish.

What’s the difference between jumping on a squiggly beast and jumping on a trampoline? You need to take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Why is the letter t very important to the Sticky Monster? Without it he is the sicky monster.

also I love the Druid gag


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 21:35:16


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Massive props for everyone getting into the spirit and showing only the barest modicum, if, in a dark room, and you have a proper squint, and you’ve forgotten your corrective lenses of any description, good humour!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/01 23:59:05


Post by: Tamereth


Argentina’s a lot colder than most people think. In fact you could say it’s bordering on Chile.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/02 01:39:31


Post by: PaddyMick


Olthanan funniest so far imo

Doc that dick chicken joke is from Predator iirc

Ensis this one's for you

There's only ten types of people in this world; those who understand binary code and those that don't


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/02 02:21:41


Post by: Ensis Ferrae


 PaddyMick wrote:


Ensis this one's for you

There's only ten types of people in this world; those who understand binary code and those that don't



Heh. . . funnily enough, I went to a follow-on school for my Occupational Specialty (aka, my job) in the army where our class had course shirts made with that quote on it


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/02 03:27:47


Post by: Insurgency Walker


For those that doubt elephants hide in cherry trees I have one question. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? It works.

Do you know why elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of cherry trees.

What's the crud between elephants called?

Slow people.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/02 16:41:52


Post by: Easy E


This thread needs the Black-and-White Space Marine on the Black-and-White Bike.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/02 17:00:49


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Can’t they just re-read your post ad infinitum?


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/02 17:53:04


Post by: Some_Call_Me_Tim


How did the mongols conquer their empire?

One Steppe at a time.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/02 18:04:19


Post by: Ork-en Man


Why does a milking stool have 3 legs?

The cow has the udder.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/03 22:09:21


Post by: Grey Templar


Why was the possum laying flat in the middle of the road?

He got tire-d!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/03 22:55:21


Post by: xerxeskingofking


"whats a pirates favourite letter?"

"R!"

"nay, 'tis the C they love!"

must be said with a strong west country/"pirate" accent


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/03 23:10:52


Post by: nou


Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 00:05:24


Post by: BobtheInquisitor


I submitted ten puns to the pun contest, hoping at least one would win. Sadly, no pun in ten did.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 01:22:04


Post by: Ensis Ferrae


Ohh, saw this one on the ol' FB. . . .

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. the rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo".


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 08:12:41


Post by: Olthannon


*Knock knock*
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
That's right, now where's my Tardis?


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 10:00:54


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Doctor, Doctor. I can’t feel my legs.

That’s because we amputated your arms.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 11:03:51


Post by: The_Real_Chris


Saw a pirate the other day with a ships steering wheel stuffed down the front of his trousers. Asked him 'do you know you have a wheel down the front of your trousers?' He said 'Arrr, its driving me nuts'


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 11:05:37


Post by: Guardling


What's a pirates favourite letter?

P because it's an Arrr without a leg...


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 12:34:14


Post by: PaddyMick


 Ensis Ferrae wrote:
Ohh, saw this one on the ol' FB. . . .

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. the rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo".


Nice, but the version I heard was

A priest, a rabbit and an imam walk into a blood bank and the rabbit says 'I think i'm a type 0'


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 12:40:52


Post by: Duskweaver


What do Las Vegas and Glasgow have in common?

They're the only two places on Earth where you can pay a prostitute with chips.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 18:36:45


Post by: Flinty


xerxeskingofking wrote:
"whats a pirates favourite letter?"

"R!"

"nay, 'tis the C they love!"

must be said with a strong west country/"pirate" accent


I wish I could quote this infinitely for all the truth

Awesome joke


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 18:52:55


Post by: lord_blackfang


I've never met a single person who was happily married.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 19:38:37


Post by: FrozenDwarf


What do whales eat for dinner?

Fish and ships.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 20:06:06


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


 Duskweaver wrote:
What do Las Vegas and Glasgow have in common?

They're the only two places on Earth where you can pay a prostitute with chips.


I went to Glasgow for a laugh and came back in stitches.

And everyone knows the only good thing to have come out of Glasgow is the road to Edinburgh.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/04 20:54:17


Post by: xerxeskingofking


 Flinty wrote:
xerxeskingofking wrote:
"whats a pirates favourite letter?"

"R!"

"nay, 'tis the C they love!"

must be said with a strong west country/"pirate" accent


I wish I could quote this infinitely for all the truth

Awesome joke


why, thank you. its a great one to pull on people who know the classic version of the joke.

my follow up joke, not at all related.


three men walk into a bar. the forth man, now forewarned, managed to duck.



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/05 06:35:23


Post by: ZergSmasher


Where do boats go when they're sick?
To the dock.

Why can't a leopard hide?
He's always spotted.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/05 09:46:02


Post by: Olthannon


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Doctor, Doctor. I can’t feel my legs.

That’s because we amputated your arms.


I properly laughed there, I love jokes like that.


I recently saw a documentary on how ships are put together. Riveting!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/05 12:12:49


Post by: Deadnight


I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then suddenly it hit me.

Then there was the time I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone to. It finally dawned on me.

Guy walks into a bar. He says 'ouch'.

Nother guy walks into a bar with some tarmac under his arm. One for me, one for the road.

I love bad jokes. That said I draw the line at anything involving the American civil warm I general Lee don't find them funny.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/05 12:24:03


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Tourist walks into an Edinburgh Bakery. He asks the shop hand

“Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

“No you’re right, it’s a doughnut”


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/05 15:39:28


Post by: PaddyMick


Deadnight wins /lock thread

Okay don't do that here's another, made up on the spot and hilariously bleedin edge current meta affairs:

The new Tau Codex is so cheesy, the alleged typo in the sub-title 'For the Grater Good' was not a mistake.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/05 15:50:33


Post by: Deadnight


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Tourist walks into an Edinburgh Bakery. He asks the shop hand

“Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

“No you’re right, it’s a doughnut”


Hehe

^in Scottish slang/accent^

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings.

Walt disnae.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/05 16:18:11


Post by: Nevelon


What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One’s a big animal, the other is a little lighter.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/05 19:41:14


Post by: Ork-en Man


 PaddyMick wrote:
Deadnight wins /lock thread

Okay don't do that here's another, made up on the spot and hilariously bleedin edge current meta affairs:

The new Tau Codex is so cheesy, the alleged typo in the sub-title 'For the Grater Good' was not a mistake.

The Grater Gouda


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/06 10:10:09


Post by: Olthannon


"Did you hear about the magician who made a giant sack of nuts appear out of thin air?"

"Sounds like a load of bollocks!"

"No, I think it was walnuts".


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/06 10:22:27


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Ork-en Man wrote:
 PaddyMick wrote:
Deadnight wins /lock thread

Okay don't do that here's another, made up on the spot and hilariously bleedin edge current meta affairs:

The new Tau Codex is so cheesy, the alleged typo in the sub-title 'For the Grater Good' was not a mistake.

The Grater Gouda


Monterey’Ka


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/06 10:58:12


Post by: Lance845


There are not Grade F Jokes. There are Grade D.

D stands for Dad.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/06 11:47:44


Post by: Duskweaver


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
And everyone knows the only good thing to have come out of Glasgow is the road to Edinburgh.

In all seriousness, my two favourite comedians (Frankie Boyle and the Big Yin), my favourite Dr Who (Peter Capaldi), and my mother were all born in Glasgow. But really, the best thing about Glasgow is that after WWIII and the inevitable nuclear armageddon, it will look exactly the same as it does now.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/06 13:58:51


Post by: Grimtuff


I got a birthday card recently and a Yorkshire pudding fell out.
It was from my Aunt Bessie.

I went to a zoo the other day and it only had a small dog.
It was a Shih-tzu.

I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.

I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever?
He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.

I went in the shop and said can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood. I said where’s he then?

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener, I said you don’t need a tin opener for a banana he said no this is for fething custard.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I must use a lower setting.

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving the drinks. The horse asks what are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending a bar before?
The fella says it’s not that, I just never thought the parrot would’ve sold the place

It turns out if you bang two halves of a horse together it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut

I got into a fight one time with a really big bloke and he said I’m going to mop the floor with your face.
I said you’ll be sorry. He said oh yeah why? I said well you won’t be able to get into the corners very well

My arse was really sore after a curry.
My wife said ring sting.
I said why what will he be able to do?

I said to the doctor people keep taking the mick out of me because I think I’m a cricket ball.
The doctor says how’s that? I said don’t you fething start.

Robin says to Batman the Batmobile won’t start. Batman says well check the battery. Robin says what’s a Terry?

I was in the cemetery and I saw a guy get up from behind a grave stone. Morning I said. No I’m just having a gak mate

What has 4 wheels and flies?
A bin lorry

I bumped into an old mate and asked him what he was up to. He said I prepare meals for homeless, addicts and drunks.
I said is it charity work? He said no It's Wetherspoons.

I’ve been told crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet but I’ve never seen one with more than four.

I just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked.
No he replied. But I do a great Bohemian Rhapsody.





Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/06 15:29:32


Post by: Ensis Ferrae


What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

Dam


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/06 15:46:39


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Iron Maiden once asked “can I play with Madness?”

Suggs’ Mam said no, as they’d not finished their homework.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/06 19:43:51


Post by: Turnip Jedi


What's ET short for ? Cos he's got little legs...



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/07 00:07:40


Post by: cygnnus


Did you hear about the time that a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint? The sailors were marooned!

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense!

Knock knock
Who’s there?
To
To who?
Actually, it’s to whom



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/07 11:42:16


Post by: Tastyfish


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
What’s brown and sticky?

A stick insect.


What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre.

How did cavemen have their hotdogs?
With ketchup and mastadon.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/07 13:13:51


Post by: Olthannon





Sweary alarm
Spoiler:



Two of my favourites from Viz.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/07 13:39:59


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Might need a sweary warning on the second one!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Why did the Shepherd start the day with 37 sheep, and end with 40?

His sheep dog rounded them up.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Is there anything on Telly?

No. He’s bald.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/08 10:14:30


Post by: Rolsheen


Knock, Knock

Who's There?

Felix

Felix Who?

Felix my icecream again I'm going to hit him


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/08 10:27:13


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Knock knock

Who’s there?

Yo mamma


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/08 16:47:30


Post by: Guardling


What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef!

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mum!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/08 17:17:30


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


What’s pink and hangs out your pants?

Your Mum

(This joke of course only works for us pasty, pasty caucasians. I’m not even gonna try to transpose it to other ethnicities)



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/08 22:58:32


Post by: Olthannon


Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/09 05:41:55


Post by: privateer4hire


 Olthannon wrote:



Sweary alarm
Spoiler:



Two of my favourites from Viz.


That’s awesome


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/09 12:10:32


Post by: krijthebold


What did the river say to the river bank?

My sediments exactly.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/09 12:42:26


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


 privateer4hire wrote:
 Olthannon wrote:



Sweary alarm
Spoiler:



Two of my favourites from Viz.


That’s awesome


If you liked those, Google “Viz Crap Jokes”. There are many.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/09 13:10:55


Post by: Olthannon


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
 privateer4hire wrote:
 Olthannon wrote:



Sweary alarm
Spoiler:



Two of my favourites from Viz.


That’s awesome


If you liked those, Google “Viz Crap Jokes”. There are many.


Not sure you can get physical Viz in America land but Viz is without a doubt one of the greatest things Britain has ever produced (not that there's any bias that it's from Newcastle or out )

Definitely worth googling.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/09 13:25:57


Post by: Flinty


Just as a warning, Viz is very much not safe for work, or for anyone with feelings of any sensitivity whatsoever!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/10 15:53:58


Post by: Easy E


 Guardling wrote:
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef!

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mum!


What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

- Udder destruction


Automatically Appended Next Post:
That cartoon makes me think of a joke in White Christmas

Bing Crosby: Sad to say a doctor, fell inot a great big well.

Rosemary Clooney: Oh Mr. Bones that's too bad.

Bing Crosby: Not at all. He should have tended to the sick and left the well along.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrEfB35a5vU


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/10 17:51:53


Post by: cuda1179


Gambling helped be get back on my feet



That's because I lost my car playing poker last night.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 03:13:32


Post by: privateer4hire


 Olthannon wrote:



Sweary alarm
Spoiler:



Two of my favourites from Viz.


How do you make a dakkaite scroll their phone for 30 seconds?



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 09:32:45


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Their “Thing” jokes are probably my favourite.







Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 10:15:56


Post by: Olthannon




This is my favourite Thing one


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 10:25:59


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Things.

Almost as great as Squigs!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 10:28:31


Post by: Just Tony


Thank Rogal Dorn I read through the thread before posting. My worst joke was going to be a stomach turner.


Now that disaster's averted.




What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on your porch?

Mat.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?

Bill.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water?

Bob.


Also:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 11:07:35


Post by: Deadnight


How many narcissists does it take to change q light bulb.

One. They hold the bulb in place and the whole world revolves around them.


If I'd followed ny dreams of being an archaeologist, my career would be in ruins ny now.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 16:25:35


Post by: Grey Templar


 Just Tony wrote:
Thank Rogal Dorn I read through the thread before posting. My worst joke was going to be a stomach turner.


Now that disaster's averted.




What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on your porch?

Mat.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?

Bill.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water?

Bob.


Also:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.


As a followup,

What do you call a girl with 1 leg?

Ilean


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 16:47:35


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug.




Automatically Appended Next Post:
What do you call a man with a Seagull on his head?

Cliff.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 17:03:39


Post by: xerxeskingofking


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug.


what do you call a man WITHOUT a spade on his head?

Douglas.




Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 20:36:47


Post by: Duskweaver


Anyone who knows me knows how much I like sausages. Toulouse. Cumberland. Lorne. Merguez. Salami. Kielbasa. They're all delicious.

But never German sausages. They are just the wurst.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/11 22:28:27


Post by: Nevelon


 Duskweaver wrote:
Anyone who knows me knows how much I like sausages. Toulouse. Cumberland. Lorne. Merguez. Salami. Kielbasa. They're all delicious.

But never German sausages. They are just the wurst.


They say puns are the lowest form of humor.

But sausage jokes are the wurst.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/12 14:27:10


Post by: xerxeskingofking


 Duskweaver wrote:
Anyone who knows me knows how much I like sausages. Toulouse. Cumberland. Lorne. Merguez. Salami. Kielbasa. They're all delicious.

But never German sausages. They are just the wurst.


not a joke, but unsuprisingly for a country known for its sausage, they have a LOT of saysing about sausages.

indeed, they have one that is just "thats sausage to me" (Das ist mir wurst) to mean "I dont care"


my fave is "all things have an end, only a sausage has two" (Alles hat ein Ende, nur die Wurst hat zwei)



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/12 14:39:08


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Of course, the trouble for the poorer sausage maker is making the ends meet.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/13 13:18:38


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Two of my leg bones deny the existence God.

They’re Blasfemurs


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/13 19:51:55


Post by: Olthannon


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Two of my leg bones deny the existence God.

They’re Blasfemurs


Thigh-entists?

Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a pair of curtains.

Oh pull yourself together!






Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/13 23:28:03


Post by: cuda1179


Did you hear about the Mexican murderer that ran a man over with a train?

Police say he had a strong loco motive.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/14 16:47:37


Post by: Duskweaver


How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, because they are efficient and have no sense of humour.

How many French people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
At least three. Though how they all fit in there is the real mystery.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/14 20:04:07


Post by: squilverine


Did you hear about the man who smashed up the kitchen at the Chinese restaurant?

Police say they have never seen such wonton destruction before.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/14 21:51:17


Post by: Easy E


The doctor told me I was going deaf.

That news was hard for me to hear.



**************************************

Did you hear the optometrist that fell into the lens maker?

He made a real spectacle of himself.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/14 22:28:05


Post by: xerxeskingofking


can i just say, i must echo the mad docs comment. I'm really impressed by everyone's commitment to telling all those truly awful jokes they normally tell to their 7 year old cousins.

and in that sprit:


A truckload of wigs has been stolen, police are combing the area.


master thief taunts police by stealing their toilets, police have nothing to go on.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/14 23:16:05


Post by: Olthannon


I once served a prison sentence because I got caught up in a big police operation against the Mafia. I pleaded my innocence because I said I was just their archivist. The judge said I was the worst of all, I was involved in some very organised crime.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/15 20:11:51


Post by: Crispy78


A hole has been drilled through the fence of the local nudist camp. The police are looking into it.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/15 20:28:28


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


My mate qualified as an archaeologist.

Now his life is in ruins.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/15 21:58:55


Post by: Duskweaver


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
My mate qualified as an archaeologist.
Now his life is in ruins.

Should have told him to stop digging...


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/15 22:30:47


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


He dug that hole himself.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/15 23:09:06


Post by: Olthannon


Trust me on this, you take a career in archaeology and you'll just get boned.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/15 23:31:39


Post by: Easy E


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
My mate qualified as an archaeologist.


Probably on his last Sherd of dignity.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/16 06:50:02


Post by: xerxeskingofking


 Olthannon wrote:
Trust me on this, you take a career in archaeology and you'll just get boned.[/quote

That's paleontology isn't it?]


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/16 07:50:49


Post by: ZergSmasher


Doctor: "Sir, you need to quit masturbating."
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/16 20:11:28


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


The Gingerbread Man went to the Doctor with a sore knee.

The doctor asked if he’d tried icing it.

Now I want gingerbread.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/24 18:32:32


Post by: Dryaktylus


xerxeskingofking wrote:
 Olthannon wrote:
Trust me on this, you take a career in archaeology and you'll just get boned.


That's paleontology isn't it?


If it's still bones, it's archaeology or archaeozoology. If it's stone, then palaeontology.



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/24 18:34:10


Post by: Valkyrie


Two sausages are in a pan. One says to the other "phew, it's hot in here!".

The other says "holy crap! A talking sausage!"


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/02/28 02:03:38


Post by: Waaagh_Gonads


Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

Because its head and shoulders are a long way apart.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/01 17:43:05


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


I went to an Indian restaurant the other day. A Taste of the Raj.

A public schoolboy hit me with a stick and made me build an elaborate railway.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/02 12:01:21


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


A Spanish magician was doing a disappearing trick.

Uno, Dos, *poof*.

His disappeared without a Tres.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/02 13:23:04


Post by: Flinty


My eyes will never forgive you for that joke! (nice one )


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/09 21:22:53


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


You might say arson.

I call it…….crime brûlée

Yes I will be doing that as a Cross Stitch.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/09 21:48:14


Post by: FezzikDaBullgryn


Why can't Dinosaurs sing.

Because they're all dead.

When is the best time to go to the dentist?

Tooth Hurty. (230)


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/09 21:52:36


Post by: RedMesa2391


Why did the English cat beat the French cat in a swimming race?

Because the Un, Duex, Trois, Quatre, Cinq.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/09 22:51:40


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


 RedMesa2391 wrote:
Why did the English cat beat the French cat in a swimming race?

Because the Un, Duex, Trois, Quatre, Cinq.


I’m sorry to by that guy of my thread?

But I don’t, because I’m almost certainly being thick, get it?

Save yourself and PM me the explanation. Because I can sort of ish understand French. But this one is going right over my head.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/09 23:26:00


Post by: FezzikDaBullgryn


I GET IT IT'S BECAUSE THE FRENCH CAT CANT COUNT?


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/09 23:46:31


Post by: Valkyrie


FezzikDaBullgryn wrote:
I GET IT IT'S BECAUSE THE FRENCH CAT CANT COUNT?


Un, Duex, Trois, Quatre, Cinq

the, something, something, cat, sank!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/10 00:20:35


Post by: FezzikDaBullgryn


It's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 in french?


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/10 06:13:46


Post by: Rolsheen


No sexist jokes, please.

(Edited by Kilkrazy)


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/10 08:31:40


Post by: ZergSmasher


A stoner, a Jedi, and a paramedic walk into a bar.
Blunt Force Trauma.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/10 13:46:16


Post by: FezzikDaBullgryn


How does a Penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/10 13:53:24


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


If we could steer away from sexist jokes. Yes the joke is that they’re not funny, but let’s not upset the mods


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Also.

Some call it arson.

I prefer the term Crime Brûlée


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/11 20:38:45


Post by: NinthMusketeer


Horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says 'I see you in here a lot, do you think you might be an alcoholic?'

The horse says 'I don't think I am' then disappears.


See, the joke is about the philosophical phrase 'I think therefore I am' but to explain that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/12 14:52:17


Post by: RedMesa2391


@NinthMukseteer ... wow, that was deep, haha.

If you ask a cockney how the moon cuts the sun's hair, what will he tell you?

'E clips it


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/12 19:55:01


Post by: NinthMusketeer


Why can't Thousand Sons make pie?

All is crust.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/12 22:21:34


Post by: RedMesa2391


What fantasy creatures do you have to watch out for when turkeys are around?

Goblins.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/13 18:41:22


Post by: ZergSmasher


In the Lord of the Rings universe, where did Saruman send his minions to school?
Uruk High!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/13 20:42:19


Post by: squilverine


There is a place in South Wales called Tintern Abbey. I wonder what it is then?


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/14 07:39:38


Post by: Olthannon


The other day I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81, he said no.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/18 09:07:29


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Where does a mansplainer go to get water?

A well, actually.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/18 10:54:17


Post by: Duskweaver


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Where does a mansplainer go to get water?
A well, actually.

Though he probably won't need to go himself, as there are usually plenty of other men who will carry water for him.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/18 16:54:56


Post by: Olthannon


I met a Dutch girl at a bar last week, she was bouncing around on inflatable shoes. I rang her up to ask her out on a date yesterday but she had popped her clogs.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/20 17:50:49


Post by: squilverine


A clown held a door open for me today. I thought that was a nice jester


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/20 17:59:45


Post by: Grimtuff


Why do seagulls live next to ocean? Because if they lived next to the bay they'd be called bagels.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/20 18:00:44


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


 Grimtuff wrote:
Why do seagulls live next to ocean? Because if they lived next to the bay they'd be called bagels.


This is meant to be crap jokes!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
What do you call a fat ginger kid with no arms and an eye patch?

Names.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Red sky at night, shepherds delight.

Sheep drowned in morning, global warming.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/23 11:02:42


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Very useful invention, Cheese. A tasty snack in a variety of styles, complimenting various other forms of food and drink.

But did you know it can also be useful when dealing with animals?

For instance, if you need to hide a Horse, you’ve got your Mascarpone, and if you need to get a Bear out of a cave, Camembert works a treat.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/24 03:32:04


Post by: Grey Templar


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Very useful invention, Cheese. A tasty snack in a variety of styles, complimenting various other forms of food and drink.

But did you know it can also be useful when dealing with animals?

For instance, if you need to hide a Horse, you’ve got your Mascarpone, and if you need to get a Bear out of a cave, Camembert works a treat.




Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/24 08:14:55


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Shan’t! It’s my thread and you entered of your own free will!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/24 09:53:24


Post by: Duskweaver


Unfortunately, the one-legged clown had to leave the cheese circus. Couldn't get his stilton.

I'm mad for cheese, though. Totally emmental.

A Mexican once tried to steal my cheese, but I caught him and yelled "That's nacho cheese!" I mean, how dairy?


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/25 17:03:45


Post by: Iron_Captain


Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/03/25 18:28:06


Post by: Olthannon


What do you call a Fish with no eyes? Ftthhh.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out a tree it'll kill you?

A snooker table.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/02 17:22:08


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


My real name is Ross. And my surname starts with the letter A. So when I’m having a proper good old think on something? It’s a Bonanza.

Because I become a Ponder Ross A.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/02 17:41:12


Post by: BobtheInquisitor


Is that how you pronounce that word get there? So many of your jokes that depend on pronunciation just don’t work here.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/02 17:50:14


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


No. That’s not how we pronounce the word. That’s what makes my joke extra crap!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/03 21:07:12


Post by: Llamahead



How do you get 2 whales in a mini?
Drive over the severn bridge.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/03 22:26:08


Post by: Nevelon


Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes on their sides? So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/03 23:06:18


Post by: Flinty


 Nevelon wrote:
Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes on their sides? So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.


Exalted… like exalted so hard I may never exalt again. Love it!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/07 17:51:31


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Why did the 19 year old Chainsaw Juggler retire?

He’d sawn off both his hands because he was crap at his job.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/07 18:55:43


Post by: NinthMusketeer


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Why did the 19 year old Chainsaw Juggler retire?

He’d sawn off both his hands because he was crap at his job.
I saw that punchline coming


Automatically Appended Next Post:
 Flinty wrote:
 Nevelon wrote:
Why do Norwegian warships have barcodes on their sides? So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.


Exalted… like exalted so hard I may never exalt again. Love it!
Ditto, that's a great one.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/08 11:26:01


Post by: Dysartes


 NinthMusketeer wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Why did the 19 year old Chainsaw Juggler retire?

He’d sawn off both his hands because he was crap at his job.
I saw that punchline coming

Without hands, is it truly a punchline?


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/08 11:47:26


Post by: Necroagogo


 Dysartes wrote:
 NinthMusketeer wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Why did the 19 year old Chainsaw Juggler retire?

He’d sawn off both his hands because he was crap at his job.
I saw that punchline coming

Without hands, is it truly a punchline?


I don't know ... I'm stumped.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/08 18:34:49


Post by: ZergSmasher


So, a lady went to a pet shop hoping to buy a new pet bird. She found a parrot in a cage near the back of the store with a price tag of only $50. She thought this seemed pretty low for a parrot, so she asked the shopkeeper about it. He told her that the low price was because it had previously been living in a whorehouse and said a lot of dirty things. The lady just said "Okay, I guess I can teach it to say nice things" and went ahead and bought the bird. She took it home and set up its cage in the living room. The parrot looked around and said, "New house, new madam." A little while later, the lady's two daughters came home from school. They came into the room and the bird said, "New house, new madam, new whores." Later in the evening, the lady's trucker husband came home and entered the room. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same clients. Hi, Joe!"


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/08 18:57:08


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


That was good!

And therefore has no place in this thread!

For. Shame.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/08 20:43:10


Post by: xerxeskingofking


OK, long joke, my personal favourite, and spoilered for length and mild profanity. probably Not a grade F joke, but worth a laugh

Spoiler:


OK, so, its late 1991, end of 1st Gulf War. 500,000 British and American soldiers are sat in camps in Kuwait, victoriously kicking their heels and waiting for the air force to arrange transport home. People are bored, and bored soldiers are dangerous.

On one camp, their are both British and American forces. The Americans a led by a general who is a walking stereotype of a Texan: cowboy hat, spurs on his boots, cigar clamped in his mouth, southern drawl, and a vehement hatred of "those damm limeys" for reasons he cannot properly articulate.

One day, he goes to his British counterpart, a fairly soft spoken and reserved general, and says "You damm limeys are always on about how brave you are! Well, today, imma show you guys some real AMERICAN bravery!" He then turns to the US Marine acting as his bodyguard

"SARGENT!" The American general screams, causing the British general to take a step back, and the Marine snaps to attention.

"SIR,YESSIR!"

"I WANT TO CLIMB THAT RADIO TOWER!" The general says, still at maximum volume, pointing to a nearby tower.

"SIR,YESSIR!"

"THEN JUMP OFF, AND LAND ON YOUR HEAD, UNDERSTAND?!" The American general asks

"SIR,YESSIR!"

"THEN DO IT NOW!" the American general screeches, and with a final "SIR,YESSIR!", the American Marine jogs off, and indeed climbs the tower, gets to the top, and jumps off. The Marine breaks almost every bone in his body, and as he is carried past the two generals in a strecher, tries to salute with his broken arm and manages to wheeze a laboured "sir".

The American general looks at the British general triumphantly, and exclaims "Now, THAT is bravery, general!"

The British general nods in a noncommital way. "yes, indeed....." then he turns to the Royal Marine Commando that was his own bodyguard, and ask in his smooth Etonian accent "Corporal?"

The Royal Marine looks at the general, "Sah?"

"be a jolly good fellow, run up that tower and jump off, will you?" the British General asks.

The Royal Marine looks at the tower,

then at the floor,

then back up at the tower,

then back to the general, and says "Bollocks to that, Sah!"

Without missing a beat, the British general turns back to his American counterpart and says "THAT'S bravery, general"




Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/09 09:13:29


Post by: NinthMusketeer


 Necroagogo wrote:
 Dysartes wrote:
 NinthMusketeer wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Why did the 19 year old Chainsaw Juggler retire?

He’d sawn off both his hands because he was crap at his job.
I saw that punchline coming

Without hands, is it truly a punchline?


I don't know ... I'm stumped.
Exalts for all!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/19 18:51:20


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


There’s a Dwarf works down the mead hall swears he’s Elvish.

Well he’s a liar, and I’ve not rolled perception for you.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/19 20:12:03


Post by: Duskweaver


Why does Chiron, the half-horse-half-man from Greek mythology famous for his knowledge of medicine, live in Atlanta GA?

Because he is the centaur for disease control.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/19 20:44:21


Post by: Toofast


How can you tell when your girlfriend has put on weight? She tries on your wife's clothes and they actually fit.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/19 23:23:36


Post by: Ensis Ferrae


Whats the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle?


Attire


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/21 08:54:54


Post by: Olthannon


 Duskweaver wrote:
Why does Chiron, the half-horse-half-man from Greek mythology famous for his knowledge of medicine, live in Atlanta GA?

Because he is the centaur for disease control.


that's a good terrible joke.

I find it's terribly easy to chase Will Smith through the snow, you just follow the fresh prints.





Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/24 22:08:01


Post by: ZergSmasher


A neutron walks into a bar that is being tended by a proton. The neutron asks, "How much for a drink?" The proton replies, "For you, no charge." The neutron then asks, "Are you sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive."


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/25 15:44:02


Post by: Nevelon


 ZergSmasher wrote:
A neutron walks into a bar that is being tended by a proton. The neutron asks, "How much for a drink?" The proton replies, "For you, no charge." The neutron then asks, "Are you sure?" and the proton replies, "I'm positive."


I’ve heard a similar joke.

One atom says to another “I think I lost an electron”.
“Are you sure?” Replies the other.
“I’m positive”


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/25 22:52:09


Post by: NinthMusketeer


 Ensis Ferrae wrote:
Whats the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle?


Attire


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/26 04:56:45


Post by: [Kingfisher]


Why did I stop going to my psychic after I banged her?

She never saw me coming.



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/27 14:35:17


Post by: Duskweaver


Can anyone explain why eggs always seem to be the most difficult item to find in the supermarket?

I think it's because they're in eggs aisle.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/04/30 19:52:49


Post by: Duskweaver


Anyone else worried about a build-up of hot air in the UK House of Commons now that the ex-tractor-fan has resigned?


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/01 07:00:20


Post by: Olthannon


What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/02 20:47:22


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


I was in Tesco earlier and noticed they have Batman Shampoo.

Sadly, no sign of Conditioner Gordon.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/03 15:27:31


Post by: Duskweaver


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Batman Shampoo.

The instructions just say "And rub in."


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/09 16:56:37


Post by: NinthMusketeer


Where do Chaos Space Marines shop for groceries?

Traitor Joes!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/10 10:37:14


Post by: Rolsheen


What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/10 11:00:45


Post by: Olthannon


Another from Viz Crap Jokes




Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/10 15:58:55


Post by: Just Tony


I was in line at a hotel with two men in front of me.

Men: We would like a room, please.

Clerk: Two Queens?

Men: No, we're just good friends.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/10 17:43:53


Post by: princeyg


Was thinking of adding a joke from the late 70's era of misogyny, then thought better of it. damn i wish i wasnt so old


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Was thinking of adding a joke from the late 70's era of misogyny, then thought better of it. damn i wish i wasnt so old


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/10 18:30:36


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Thank you for your discretion. I too am of an undisclosed vintage, so would probably have laughed, however guiltily/ironically. But best keep those potential flood gates closed


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/11 01:37:45


Post by: NinthMusketeer


Yeah I imagine we all have jokes that sure as hell would not be appropriate here.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/11 06:34:13


Post by: grahamdbailey


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/11 07:25:18


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


A classic!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
There was once a very posh seafood restaurant. You know the type: where you select your own dinner fresh out of the tank. Dinner jackets a must, no trainers… that sort of place. Anyway, the head waiter was a man called Gervais and he was very good at his job, helping customers get over the faint ickiness of picking which innocent creature was to be taken to the slaughter. He could blank out the horror of it all, you see.

So one day, they have squid as the daily special and a couple comes to the restaurant to celebrate their anniversary. They decide to go for the squid option and Gervais takes them over the tank to select their squid. The couple check out the contents of the squid tank and right at the back, they see a faintly green coloured little squid. It’s very shy, hiding behind its little squid house, but when the light falls on it right, it has a little black marking across the top of its beak, making it look like it has a little moustache.

It’s adorable. Just… adorable. And Gervais does something he’s never done before. His heart softens towards the little creature. He hopes the couple don’t pick it.

Which of course they do.

So after a few attempts at catching the little squid, Gervais realises that he can’t. He just can’t. It’s too cute. But the couple are insistent and start to get annoyed that they aren’t getting what they want (I told you it was that sort of place). In despair, Gervais rushes into the kitchen to find his friend Hans, whose primary job is washing the pots. He begs and pleads with the other man to come out and help him and Hans, who is a big, strong sort of chap, agrees. He comes out to the restaurant, squid-catching net at hand only to be thwarted by taking one look at the little chap in the tank.

And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/11 08:06:36


Post by: Deadnight


Guy goes into a pub and meets his mate.

Mate says to him - 'want to see something cool'. He agrees and the mate takes out a box, removes a small piano and from his pocket takes out a tiny man who sits at the small piano and plays music.

My guy is gobsmacked and the mate explains: 'I got a magic lamp- want to try'?

My guy agrees, takes the lamp, rubs it and a genie appears and offers him a wish. A bit in shock he says - 'I'd like a million bucks!'

Genie says 'done!' clicks his fingers and disappears in a poof of smoke and with that, a horde of ducks walk into the bar.

'What the hell is this?!' exclaims my guy. Mate turns to him smiling - 'yeah I forgot to tell you- the genie is old and deaf. Do you think I really asked for a nine inch pianist?'

:p


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/11 10:07:00


Post by: Crispy78


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:


And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.


For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"

It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/11 10:43:13


Post by: Dysartes


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
There was once a very posh seafood restaurant. You know the type: where you select your own dinner fresh out of the tank. Dinner jackets a must, no trainers… that sort of place. Anyway, the head waiter was a man called Gervais and he was very good at his job, helping customers get over the faint ickiness of picking which innocent creature was to be taken to the slaughter. He could blank out the horror of it all, you see.

I'm sorry, Doc - claiming that someone with Gervais in their name could be very good at their job took me right out of the joke, even if the name was needed for the punchline.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/11 19:28:25


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Once upon a time, a ship was crossing the Atlantic from the U.K. to the USA, when during freak weather conditions saw its hull embedded in ice.

The Captain and Crew were resigned. This shouldn’t have happened. Nobody had packed suitable clothing.

One the second night, a series of tiny, rhythmic clinks and clanks could be heard. First from a single source, rising to a clamour. Bemused, the Cabin Boy looked over the side, and beheld tiny humanoids on the ice, swing tiny picks and rapidly extricating the ship from the ice. Within only an hour or two, the ship broke free.

The tiny humanoids clambered on deck to properly introduce themselves as the Basques, from Greenland.

Stunned, the Captain asked however he could repay their immense kindness. The Basques chieftain asked if they could come with the Ship, as bored of their homeland they wanted to see more of the world. Their entire tribe had been trying to walk it, when they found the ship in its predicament.

Readily agreeing, on they sailed, eventually making safe harbour in New York.

Needless to say, the few dozen tiny, 6” humanoids caused quite the stir. Sensing an opportunity, the Captain soon, with the Basque’s full agreement, arranged a nationwide tour. The good folk of the USA could meet this remarkable species, and the remarkable species could see ever more of the world.

Business was great, and all involved became wealthy, able to stay in top flight hotels. This was greatly pleasing to the Basques, as they’d discovered an innate love of revolving doors. There was something about the heft and the spin they just couldn’t get enough of. They could regularly be seen push push pushing ever faster, those who’s turn it was to ride howling with glee, egging those who’s turn it was to push to greater speeds.

Eventually, the tour came to Texas. The Lonestar State, where everything is said to be bigger and better, especially if the person saying it is a Texan.

Their hotel in Dallas was absolutely top notch. And best of all, had The World’s Biggest Revolving Door. The Basques couldn’t resist. For once, everyone could get involved, as whilst only small, they previously still had to take turns. As so they indulged. Oh how they indulged! Their indulgence became an attraction unto itself, bringing visitors to the hotel to see the Basques play, which somewhat offset the discomfort of the hotel staff, who softly resented the ongoing draught caused by the revolving door’s frenetic and near constant pace.

Sadly….not all humans are good humans. Disaster struck when a Studio Bigwig, determined to get the Tiny Basques on the Big Screen could wait no longer to discuss it with them once they’d finished riding the revolving door.

His tiny mind saw fit to jam his walking stick in the door to stop it spinning….not giving a thought to conservation of momentum.

Needless to say…it was messy. Tiny, 6” high humanoids went crashing through the glass as their ride abruptly halted. Some were turned to smears of gory paste when they hit walls, others were buttered up the carpet.

None survived. And so the heroic species of 6” high humanoids departed this world.

The moral of the story? Never put all your Basques in One Exit.



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/11 20:38:16


Post by: Flinty


There is a much less pleasant version of that referencing ETA… yours is much more family friendly


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/14 20:29:33


Post by: ZergSmasher


Crispy78 wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:


And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.


For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"

It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...

Thanks for that, I figured it had to be a British thing. The punch line from the rabbit joke must be like that too; it went over my head.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/14 20:41:53


Post by: Flinty


More Auzzy, yet somehow the deliberate use of a bio weapon against invading species caught the imagination of uk joke writers

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/14 23:23:41


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


 ZergSmasher wrote:
Crispy78 wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:


And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.


For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"

It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...

Thanks for that, I figured it had to be a British thing. The punch line from the rabbit joke must be like that too; it went over my head.


Mixing-My-Toasties = Myxomatosis


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/16 07:01:07


Post by: Moscha


Thanks for explaining!

Damn I got as far as "hands that do dishes.." and the green stuff rang a bell.

Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course) and one of them is explaining how good the new "Palmolive" dish washer is for your hands. The other housewive is not impressed and sceptical, until she is reminded by the other that she "actually, your just bathing your hands in it! "


PS: I just found out it was a thing internationally, "You're soaking in it"



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/16 08:10:55


Post by: lord_blackfang


 Moscha wrote:

Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course)


Reminds me of



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/16 11:02:23


Post by: Just Tony


 Moscha wrote:
Thanks for explaining!

Damn I got as far as "hands that do dishes.." and the green stuff rang a bell.

Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course) and one of them is explaining how good the new "Palmolive" dish washer is for your hands. The other housewive is not impressed and sceptical, until she is reminded by the other that she "actually, your just bathing your hands in it! "


PS: I just found out it was a thing internationally, "You're soaking in it"



Good ol' Madge, helping with skin softness since the late 70's/early 80's


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/17 08:09:54


Post by: Olthannon


How does a non-binary murderer kill their victims?

They/them


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/17 20:16:23


Post by: leerm02



This really is my favorite thread on Dakka, hands down!

Okay, time to go from a lurker to a poster:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says:

"What is this, a joke?"



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/18 12:01:07


Post by: Moscha


What are Luigi's and Marios's trousers made of?

Denim, denim, denim.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/18 12:04:00


Post by: Flinty


 Moscha wrote:
What are Luigi's and Marios's trousers made of?

Denim, denim, denim.


Love it!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/18 17:08:00


Post by: xerxeskingofking


leerm02 wrote:

This really is my favorite thread on Dakka, hands down!

Okay, time to go from a lurker to a poster:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says:

"What is this, a joke?"



three men walk into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds, with a tedious inevitability......


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/18 17:24:50


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman walk into a bar and have some convivial drinks before returning to their respective homes.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/18 19:45:30


Post by: Flinty


From my son’s recent Beano

I couldn’t work out how to use my seatbelt. And then it clicked.

A book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/18 19:48:29


Post by: Kale


A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar and the rabbit says - I think i'm a typo!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/19 15:26:37


Post by: lord_blackfang


A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank and the rabbit says - I think i'm a type o!


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/19 15:54:45


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Some visual gags.




Automatically Appended Next Post:
How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

Pantene.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/20 02:56:52


Post by: ZergSmasher


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

Pantene.

Ayy, I'm not British but I understood that one!

Anyway, there were these two cannibals busy eating a clown. One of them asked the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?"


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/20 12:05:12


Post by: Aash


 ZergSmasher wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

Pantene.

Ayy, I'm not British but I understood that one!

Anyway, there were these two cannibals busy eating a clown. One of them asked the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?"


Two clowns are eating a cannibal, one turned to the other and said, “I think we got this joke wrong”.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/20 15:31:15


Post by: Grey Templar


Two cannibals are eating a baby wookiee. One turns to the other and says "This is a little chewie isn't it?"


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/20 15:49:24


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


What does a Cannibal serve with Curry?

Nans.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/20 16:31:41


Post by: ZergSmasher


Two cannibals are deciding how to divide up a body that they want to eat. They agree to each start at one end and work their way toward the middle, so with that settled they start eating. A little while later, the cannibal at the head end asks the other one, "How're you doing over there?" The other one enthusiastically answers, "I'm havin' a ball!" to which the first cannibal says, "Slow down! You're way ahead of me!"


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/23 06:03:37


Post by: Duskweaver


This one is shamelessly stolen from novelist David Quantick's Twitter account:

I met Mick Jagger once at a party and he wouldn't talk to anyone unless they had a packet of peas in their hand. I asked him why and he said, "Peas allow me to introduce myself."


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/23 06:28:54


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


Stolen humour is entirely allowed. Especially with due credit given


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/23 07:09:53


Post by: Flinty


I don’t think we should be critical. We Definitely need to give peas a chance.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/23 07:32:49


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


 Flinty wrote:
I don’t think we should be critical. We Definitely need to give peas a chance.


That’s just appeasement.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/05/24 13:21:57


Post by: Deadnight


Guy walks into a bar.

'Ow'...


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/03 11:47:24


Post by: Duskweaver


Did you know pease pudding was originally a Roman dish?

They created a dessert and called it peas.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/04 19:51:05


Post by: xerxeskingofking


 Duskweaver wrote:
Did you know pease pudding was originally a Roman dish?

They created a dessert and called it peas.


that made me groan so hard, Augustus heard it.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/05 12:46:09


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


 Duskweaver wrote:
Did you know pease pudding was originally a Roman dish?

They created a dessert and called it peas.


Oh no, my ignorance is showing, as this one went straight over my head.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/05 13:29:05


Post by: Flinty


https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calgacus

Come for the poor jokes, stay for the Classics learning experience


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/05 20:13:29


Post by: xerxeskingofking


 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
 Duskweaver wrote:
Did you know pease pudding was originally a Roman dish?

They created a dessert and called it peas.


Oh no, my ignorance is showing, as this one went straight over my head.


its a quote traditionally attributed to a scotish warlord (ok, pictish, in the area of what is now scotland) talking to his troops before a battle in which most die.

"(the romans are) Robbers of the world, having by their universal plunder exhausted the land, they rifle the deep. If the enemy be rich, they are rapacious; if he be poor, they lust for dominion; neither the east nor the west has been able to satisfy them.

Alone among men they covet with equal eagerness poverty and riches. To robbery, slaughter, plunder, they give the lying name of empire; they make a Desert, and call it peace"

as far we know, this is something made up by the romans themselves, but its still a killer line....and the basis of that pun.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/06 13:19:51


Post by: Deadnight


Did you hear about the constipated nathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/06 19:41:42


Post by: Olthannon


xerxeskingofking wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
 Duskweaver wrote:
Did you know pease pudding was originally a Roman dish?

They created a dessert and called it peas.


Oh no, my ignorance is showing, as this one went straight over my head.


its a quote traditionally attributed to a scotish warlord (ok, pictish, in the area of what is now scotland) talking to his troops before a battle in which most die.

"(the romans are) Robbers of the world, having by their universal plunder exhausted the land, they rifle the deep. If the enemy be rich, they are rapacious; if he be poor, they lust for dominion; neither the east nor the west has been able to satisfy them.

Alone among men they covet with equal eagerness poverty and riches. To robbery, slaughter, plunder, they give the lying name of empire; they make a Desert, and call it peace"

as far we know, this is something made up by the romans themselves, but its still a killer line....and the basis of that pun.



Calgacus from Tacitus' Argicola, technically not Pictish either. The Picts are an amalgamation of tribes that formed in 6th - 7th century AD, which is 500 - 600 years later than the campaign described in his writing. Calgacus is merely a Briton from one of the northern tribes (Caledonii). It is almost 100% bollocks and made up, but it's a damn good line all the same. And therefore an even better joke.


Do you want a genuine Roman joke from Macrobius' Saturnalia?

A provincial man arrives in Rome. As he walked the streets, he drew the eyes of the entire city, being a real double of the emperor Augustus.
The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks him up and down and says "Tell me, young man, did your mother come to Rome anytime?"
The provincial replies, "She was never blessed with coming to this great city. But my father frequently enjoyed visiting."


PS: @xerxes, I was hopefully going for helpful addition and not know it all prick with this reply


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/10 09:30:56


Post by: Olthannon


Did you hear they flooded a small town in Indiana for a TV show?

Apparently because Stranger Things happen at sea.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/10 20:46:27


Post by: xerxeskingofking


It is a shame their are so few images of Mount Rushmore before they carved it.

I'm told its beauty was....unprecedented.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/20 09:31:48


Post by: Olthannon


I recently got fired from my job as an interrogator with MI5. I didn't like to ask why.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/06/26 18:58:36


Post by: Kale


I dated a girl in college who had one leg that was shorter than the other.

Her name was Eileen.



Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2022/07/02 13:42:08


Post by: Olthannon


It's muggy outside. Inside, it's burglary.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2023/08/02 20:58:39


Post by: Mad Doc Grotsnik


I say I say I say!

How did Pharaohs write their name?

Using Heiroglyphs. Duh.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2023/08/02 21:45:30


Post by: ZergSmasher


Did you hear about the midget who talks to spirits and is on the run from the police?

She's a small medium at large.


Jokes. Grade F jokes. @ 2023/08/03 09:54:57


Post by: Haighus


Did you hear that the police arrested two kids? One for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other off.