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Made in gb
Fresh-Faced New User





been there my friend and it sucks.

not quite to the level you're at - he'd have been ditched YEARS ago if that were me, but then that's probably why I don't have a social life these days!!

had the same thing, friend through school, through the drinking years, through accidents he had and sat by his hospital bed...then years pass, you realise you're their for them, they ain't there for you... it's all about them on their terms - you live with it or you lose the friend. For me, I lost the friend. I still miss the guy and it does suck, but at the same time the stress of dealing with it is an amazing thing to leave behind.
   
Made in us
Stubborn Hammerer





If you call people out when they crap on you they'll often solve the problem themselves by either ghosting you (because they don't like accountability) or shaping up.
   
Made in gb
Secretive Dark Angels Veteran






Reduced my friendship circle 10 years ago from around 16 (we were a big group of mates tbf) to 4, so roughly 75% cull. No drama per say, just stopped making an effort with them, and have been much happier since.

I've probably made 2 mates in the whole time since (who are outside of the 4 group). I'm a strong believe in having a smaller but tighter circle of friends and getting rid if they are not a good fit.

My hobby instagram account: @the_shroud_of_vigilance
My Shroud of Vigilance Hobby update blog for me detailed updates and lore on the faction:
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Made in us
Dakka Veteran





Central Valley, California

friends and family yes.

There's a good relationship writer and podcast host named Dan Savage (Savage Love podcast) He talks about how if your family members mistreats you, doesn't respect boundaries, etc. the greatest leverage you have with them is your presence. You don't owe them gak if not loved in a humane fashion.

~ Shrap

Rolling 1's for five decades.
AoS * Warcry * LoTR SBG * Dust 1947 * Warmaster 10mm * 40K & Kill Team * Flames of '47 * Reign in Hell
 
   
Made in us
Decrepit Dakkanaut





Halifax

Mind you, Dan Savage would be the first person to point out that his family is a bunch of Savages!

   
Made in us
Battlefield Tourist




MN

 Nurglitch wrote:
Mind you, Dan Savage would be the first person to point out that his family is a bunch of Savages!


What you did? I see it.

Support Blood and Spectacles Publishing:
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Made in gb
Last Remaining Whole C'Tan






Just to revisit?

Cutting people toxic to you out of your life is one of the best things you can do for your mental health.

And it’s for you and you alone to draw that line. Sticking to it is not going to be easy, and once the line is drawn you may find others crossing it, whether they mean to or not.

Just got to stick to your guns. If someone is a genuine parasite (only takes, never gives, demands more the next time, tries to guilt you for not acquiescing), you Do Not Need Them In Your Life.

Friends and family are like terrible spouses, except it costs you less to divorce them from your life.

And as we grow, mature and gain a greater understanding of what abuse actually is? You might be able to put a pin in it early enough that the relationship can recover. That it takes so long for us to properly recognise abuse as abuse is a genuine societal failing, not a personal one.

As someone who has survived abuse, I have an open door policy to friends in need. Tea, sympathy and support, no questions asked. What you unload on me in the privacy of my flat does not leave that area. And it’s my own experience which lead to that personal policy.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in ru
Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot





Russia

Cutting off your frazzle out friends that's okay, but what do you guys mean by cutting off a "toxic family"? "Bobi are you wearing a hat, did you eat?" - is this toxicity?

Mordant 92nd 'Acid Dogs'
The Lost and Damned
Inquisition
 
   
Made in au
Anti-Armour Swiss Guard






Newcastle, OZ

Toxic as in they have fallen down the rabbit hole of crazy conspiracy theory nutter-hood.
Also born-again/convert religious holier-than-thou nutterhood.
They are down so deep that they should have reached the core by now.

Or toxic as in use psychological manipulation and/or threats of physical or emotional violence to get what they want out of you - and if you call them on it, they act like they are the victim.


I'm OVER 50 (and so far over everyone's BS, too).
Old enough to know better, young enough to not give a ****.

That is not dead which can eternal lie ...

... and yet, with strange aeons, even death may die.
 
   
Made in au
Grizzled Space Wolves Great Wolf





 chromedog wrote:
Toxic as in they have fallen down the rabbit hole of crazy conspiracy theory nutter-hood.
Also born-again/convert religious holier-than-thou nutterhood.
They are down so deep that they should have reached the core by now.


I've never had to cut off a friend for religious or political beliefs. Mute them on facebook? Sure. But I've never come across a friend or family member so crazy that I can't just have a regular discussion with them. At worst I have certain friends with whom I don't bring up certain topics.

Maybe I'm just too forgiving, I tend to think deep down people aren't all that different from each other and it's pretty easy to find common ground if you try.

The only "friend" I've ever cut off is someone in hindsight I'd not consider a friend anyway.

   
Made in gb
Last Remaining Whole C'Tan






 Freakazoitt wrote:
Cutting off your frazzle out friends that's okay, but what do you guys mean by cutting off a "toxic family"? "Bobi are you wearing a hat, did you eat?" - is this toxicity?


Well, it will depend from person to person and their own experiences.

My elder brother is toxic. He’s manipulative, violent when he doesn’t get his own way, and a compulsive liar. Literally any advantage he perceives, he’ll try to exploit. He’s also exceptionally lazy (unemployed for 5 or so years now I think?), lives rent free in a family owned house (don’t worry, family have made that equitable) and blames everyone but himself for his failings.

Throughout secondary school he’d take his frustrations out on me, including beating me up. He would tell lies about me to belittle me, and lies about himself to big himself up.

Just a horrid human being. I went non-contact two or three years ago now, and I’ve not looked back. I do not need his BS in my life. Yes it took a while, but abuse is kind of like the frog in hot water thing. It builds gradually, with the abuser slowly expanding their repertoire and control. Eventually, hopefully, a watershed moment comes along, and the victim can see it for what it was.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2021/09/28 07:58:14


Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in ru
Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot





Russia

Well, it looks like he was not acting like a brother and deserves to be forgotten.

Mordant 92nd 'Acid Dogs'
The Lost and Damned
Inquisition
 
   
Made in us
Regular Dakkanaut




Not exactly cut out, but the pandemic has really clarified in my mind who my friends really are. Its been telling who has kept in touch, kept chatting all the way through and who only reappeared and started talking again when the pubs re-opened.

So not cutting out toxic people but iv now cut off a lot of acquaintances in favour of a few good close friends.
   
Made in us
Battlefield Tourist




MN

Sunno wrote:
Not exactly cut out, but the pandemic has really clarified in my mind who my friends really are. Its been telling who has kept in touch, kept chatting all the way through and who only reappeared and started talking again when the pubs re-opened.

So not cutting out toxic people but iv now cut off a lot of acquaintances in favour of a few good close friends.


.... the Pandemic also opened my eyes to who would take an action to help someone they knew and who would not.

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Made in gb
Last Remaining Whole C'Tan






The Pandemic genuinely strengthen a fair few of my friendships.

In the early days, I was whizzing around the surrounding villages grabbing (entirely reasonable amounts, not panic buying) goods for friends with kids. I had the wheels, the will and the ability to do so.

Given I really enjoy driving and I help people as a profession, it was not skin off my nose. For those that had kids, my services were very welcome, as kids can be fussy buggers without being actively difficult.

We also engaged over video chat just to keep each other sane.

I’ve said it before, the lockdown has massively benefitted me. I have absolute and unconditional empathy and sympathy for those more affected, but I still can’t complain about the benefits I’ve enjoyed.

And now it’s easing, and people are starting to better define their New Normal, it’s getting better.

Seriously. This isn’t meant to be a brag, or worse, a humble brag. I don’t know what you went through in the pandemic. I don’t mean to flex. As a victim of abuse (as detailed above) and the owner of depression and anxiety, I know the futility of measuring misery.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in us
Member of the Ethereal Council




USA

To make a long story shorter, once upon a time me and a few other guys needed to stage a coup against out guild leader because he had a toxic friend and it was killing the group.

This person had issues and I'll leave out details to simply say their issues included ranting about their bosses and their ex for hours and hours in extremely vivid and crass terms with way too much TMI, harassing members of the group for cyber sex, and constantly cursing at or even exercising their admin powers on non-guild players in such a way it was actively hurting us. We were getting a bad reputation because of this one person.

I'm not going to accuse the guild leader of anything salacious, but something was going on there because members would complain about this person and he refused to do anything but 'talk to them.' Talking to them never changed their behavior. For some baffling reason beyond our understanding, despite all the complaints this person was accelerated to admin privileges on our server and given access to the ban tools which they proceeded to use to ban people from the server for no reason at all.

It got so bad people would drop out of the vent server whenever they came online to avoid them. That's when I realized they needed to go because if the people are going to ditch the group to avoid one person none of us liked, then what was the point?

And the last straw was when this person started sending nude photos to people completely unsolicited.

Me and the other five senior most members of the group who had admin powers on our servers banded together and banned this person ourselves while the guild leader was away. The away part wasn't planned exactly. We'd kind of just grown fed up when the latest victim of unwanted nude photos was 12 (look FBI we had nothing to do with that! We were as insulted as you XD) and that happened while the guild leader was away so, serendipity.

When the guild leader came back he unbanned our problem person but the whole group basically rebelled and confronted him about how little sense his permissive stance made. I still have no idea why he felt the need to defend this person. Well, I have ideas. They're just not pretty.

But yeah. That's my cutting off a toxic friend for another friend story. I joined a mutiny XD

This message was edited 4 times. Last update was at 2021/09/29 00:34:55


   
Made in gb
Highlord of Terra






Adrift within the vortex of my imagination.

Interesting story, but he wasn't a friend to begin with, just a perv with a pass.

n'oublie jamais - It appears I now have to highlight this again.

It is by tea alone I set my mind in motion. By the juice of the brew my thoughts aquire speed, my mind becomes strained, the strain becomes a warning. It is by tea alone I set my mind in motion. 
   
Made in us
Longtime Dakkanaut




 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
 Freakazoitt wrote:
Cutting off your frazzle out friends that's okay, but what do you guys mean by cutting off a "toxic family"? "Bobi are you wearing a hat, did you eat?" - is this toxicity?


Well, it will depend from person to person and their own experiences.

My elder brother is toxic. He’s manipulative, violent when he doesn’t get his own way, and a compulsive liar. Literally any advantage he perceives, he’ll try to exploit. He’s also exceptionally lazy (unemployed for 5 or so years now I think?), lives rent free in a family owned house (don’t worry, family have made that equitable) and blames everyone but himself for his failings.

Throughout secondary school he’d take his frustrations out on me, including beating me up. He would tell lies about me to belittle me, and lies about himself to big himself up.

Just a horrid human being. I went non-contact two or three years ago now, and I’ve not looked back. I do not need his BS in my life. Yes it took a while, but abuse is kind of like the frog in hot water thing. It builds gradually, with the abuser slowly expanding their repertoire and control. Eventually, hopefully, a watershed moment comes along, and the victim can see it for what it was.


You described a peripheal family member of mine, except for the violence part. I only know of one instance of that with him and he seems, for lack of a better word, too weak to actually someone that instigates physical conflict. He thinks that he is smarter than everyone, but has yet to do anything to prove it.

The only way we can ever solve anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy 
   
 
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