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Ok, I have a friend who is a total introvert most of the time, and doesn't really reach out to people much. But awhile back he started looking in to this one girl, and because he's normally not very outgoing, i encouraged him to go for it even though i'd been looking at the same girl for a bit myself. I figured, Hey, i've dated plenty of girls, and this is a good chance for him to open up and step out of his comfort zone. But it's been 2 months now, and he hasn't made a shot at all. And all the while the girl has been coming on to me. I started to like her a lot more than i did before, but i wanted to give my friend a chance. But he still wouldn't really go for it. I asked him if he was still interested, and when he was gunna make a move, but he kept giving me really vague answers that didn't really mean anything. So i just figured he lost intrested, and started working towards her myself. But he saw me talking to her, and immediatly knew what i was doing. He got really mad at me, and we started fighting a bit. He said that he was gunna make a move, but i was starting to like this girl alot, and i didn't want to just back down an wait anouther month for him to work up the nerve to say hi to her in the hallway. I told him that i'd give him anouther week to go for it, but if he just kept staring at her and hoping she would just fall in her lap i was going to go for it. He called me an donkey-cave and a tool, and i called him spineless and a wuss. We haven't talked to each other sence, and i'm starting to wonder if this girl is worth a friend i've known sence 6th grade. The girl is great, and i really like her, but i don't know if it's worth it. I feel every bit of an donkey-cave and a tool while i write this, but god, i love that girl... What should i do?
grendel083 wrote:"Dis is Oddboy to BigBird, come in over."
"BigBird 'ere, go ahead, over."
"WAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!! over"
"Copy 'dat, WAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! DAKKADAKKA!!... over"
In my opinion, its a jerk move, but if you feel like you really like her then go for it. But if you are having doubts about whether or not you're willing to lose a friend over her, then that doesn't mean you like her enough to readily lose a friend for her which means you really don't like her that much.
So if you actually love her, then your friend will potentially be lost to you but you're with someone you love. If you really don't love her then you lose both of them eventually.
Not to sound like an a-hole, but you gave your friend plenty of time to go after her. And if he can't get around the fact that HE never made a move, that's HIS problem. If you think it's COMPLETELY worth the ending of a friendship, go for it...it appears that you obviously have feels towards her...maybe you should try and explain that to your friend also?
Rick Priestley said it best:
Bryan always said that if the studio ever had to mix with the manufacturing and sales part of the business it would destroy the studio. And I have to say – he wasn’t wrong there! The modern studio isn’t a studio in the same way; it isn’t a collection of artists and creatives sharing ideas and driving each other on. It’s become the promotions department of a toy company – things move on!
Your leaving an important factor out of the eqauation ...and that would be the young lady.
If..as you've said, she's " coming on to you", then weather your fainthearted friend makes a move or not may already be a moot point.
I am both selfish and chaotic. I value self-gratification and control; I want to have things my way, preferably now. At best, I'm entertaining and surprising; at worst, I'm hedonistic and violent.
FITZZ wrote: Your leaving an important factor out of the eqauation ...and that would be the young lady.
If..as you've said, she's " coming on to you", then weather your fainthearted friend makes a move or not may already be a moot point.
Words of wisdom
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/10/07 23:55:59
As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
If you do that, you run the risk of getting trapped in the "Friend-Zone".
Every Normal Man Must Be Tempted At Times To Spit On His Hands, Hoist That Black Flag, And Begin Slitting Throats.
My friends and I had a standing rule about not " blocking" one another...but it really doesn't sound as if the OP has done this...to the contrary he's appeared to have encouraged his friend to " step up".
I am both selfish and chaotic. I value self-gratification and control; I want to have things my way, preferably now. At best, I'm entertaining and surprising; at worst, I'm hedonistic and violent.
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
If you do that, you run the risk of getting trapped in the "Friend-Zone".
And then your bro can take his shot... I see where you're going here.
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
If you do that, you run the risk of getting trapped in the "Friend-Zone".
And then your bro can take his shot... I see where you're going here.
I didn't even think of that.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/10/08 00:00:39
Every Normal Man Must Be Tempted At Times To Spit On His Hands, Hoist That Black Flag, And Begin Slitting Throats.
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
Wow!...that's one hell of a leap there Melissia... you took the OP from a possiable " Date" right into a " loveless marriage"...
I am both selfish and chaotic. I value self-gratification and control; I want to have things my way, preferably now. At best, I'm entertaining and surprising; at worst, I'm hedonistic and violent.
Then when he tries to move too fast and she breaks up with him, the OP is there for her to fall into his arms?
Jokes aside, the "friend zone" can be avoided while still being her friend. You just have to try to be an interesting person.
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
If you do that, you run the risk of getting trapped in the "Friend-Zone".
And then your bro can take his shot... I see where you're going here.
I didn't even think of that.
It all depends on whether the OP is self-sacrificing or not.
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
Wow!...that's one hell of a leap there Melissia... you took the OP from a possiable " Date" right into a " loveless marriage"...
Only if he dates her without really befriending her. People who date/get married learn a lot about eachother. Sometimes the relationship doesn't survive this.
But if you honestly care about eachother, and respect eachother, that respect develops into admiration and love that's a little more permanent than the infatuation of teenagers.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/10/08 00:05:33
The people in the past who convinced themselves to do unspeakable things were no less human than you or I. They made their decisions; the only thing that prevents history from repeating itself is making different ones.
-- Adam Serwer
My blog
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
If you do that, you run the risk of getting trapped in the "Friend-Zone".
And then your bro can take his shot... I see where you're going here.
I didn't even think of that.
It all depends on whether the OP is self-sacrificing or not.
I am both selfish and chaotic. I value self-gratification and control; I want to have things my way, preferably now. At best, I'm entertaining and surprising; at worst, I'm hedonistic and violent.
Your friend shouldn't say that. You've given him ample time to try and go up to her and another thing: she's coming onto you first so even if your friend did try she'd probably only put up with him to get to you. You friend shouldn't be so upset when its clear that she has no interest in him and he hasn't made a move. He shouldn't be calling you names for doing that. He's had his chance and he blew it. If it was really that important to him he'd at least try and talk to her.
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
Wow!...that's one hell of a leap there Melissia... you took the OP from a possiable " Date" right into a " loveless marriage"...
Only if he dates her without really befriending her. People who date/get married learn a lot about eachother. Sometimes the relationship doesn't survive this.
But if you honestly care about eachother, and respect eachother, that respect develops into admiration and love that's a little more permanent than the infatuation of teenagers.
Can't argue with you there Mel...as far as I know I'm the divorce/failed relationship king of Dakka...and I can attest that your 100% right about the importance of actually being " friends" with those you choose to get into long term relationships with.
I am both selfish and chaotic. I value self-gratification and control; I want to have things my way, preferably now. At best, I'm entertaining and surprising; at worst, I'm hedonistic and violent.
Melissia wrote:Then when he tries to move too fast and she breaks up with him, the OP is there for her to fall into his arms?
Jokes aside, the "friend zone" can be avoided while still being her friend. You just have to try to be an interesting person.
I like the friend zone, its so comfortable. No pressure about having to get anyone anything for Valentine's Day, no need to buy things that prevent accidental babies, and most importantly you have a friend.
But yeah, go ahead and go after her then. Your friend is just a shy introvert and possibly needs a girl to go after him, I'm mainly speaking out of personal experience although I eventually did get the courage to speak up and she thought I was a homosexual so that didn't work out well... at all.
Being an introvert isn't just being shy, its a complicated set of emotions. You begin to wonder what happens if she says yes, how do you carry on from there, what are you obligating yourself to, what if she says no, will she think you're a creep, will she stare at you whenever you walk by, will... Its just a constant set of questions without any real answers , and its more than just a lack of self-confidence its more of a not knowing what to do. Luckily I have a friend now who doesn't just tell me to "go for it" but is kind of coaching me on how to go about actually starting it on my own, but there is always the constantly nagging fear of not knowing what to do when something comes up. Why? Because you don't want to feth anything up out of fear that if you do you'll be mocked and made fun of.
That's what your friend is probably going through and he's looking at a long list of scenarios that he knows nothing about handling so he's not going to ask unless you give him some advice on how to go about doing so, did you even offer to act like a wing man?
Seriously, if you haven't considered acting like a wing man then don't try to be his friend, cut him loose and go after the girl.
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
If you do that, you run the risk of getting trapped in the "Friend-Zone".
Yes and no. True, the "Friend Zone" is a risk. But here's the hard truth - the romance can run clean out at times. Sometimes for a few days, sometimes weeks. And for a relationship to endure, you have to see your partner as both friend and lover. I know, it sounds corny as hell. But I s*** optimistic gold and piss out rainbows of ecstasy. If you have a problem with it, I'll punch you in the soul. I've also been in a happy relationship for the last 2 1/2 years, going on 3 this January. Part of what's made it last so long has been the ability to be both friend and partner. What you don't want to do is be -overly- friendly, to the point where you're A) Painfully obvious, or B) Painfully holding back.
This is the part that no one can give you advice on. If you have feelings for this girl, then you know when -you- feel it's the right time to tell her. But it might not be the right time for -her-, because that's what it boils down to in your case. It isn't about you here, so all you can really do is give it a shot in the dark. If you've got the quad to tell her how you feel, then you'll find out right away whether it's a mutual feeling or not.
Rejection can seem pretty daunting, but just remember that while people will come and go, unasked questions will stay with you forever.
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2011/10/08 00:30:49
Melissia wrote:As an aside, shouldn't you also become her friend as well as her girlfriend? I know that probably sounds odd, but it isn't going to end well if you aren't her friend outside of the relationship (at best you'll have an unhappy marriage where you two ignore eachother most of the time).
If you do that, you run the risk of getting trapped in the "Friend-Zone".
Yes and no. True, the "Friend Zone" is a risk. But here's the hard truth - the romance can run clean out at times. Sometimes for a few days, sometimes weeks. And for a relationship to endure, you have to see your partner as both friend and lover. I know, it sounds corny as hell. But I s*** optimistic gold and piss out rainbows of ecstasy. If you have a problem, I'll punch you in the soul. I've also been in a happy relationship for the last 2 1/2 years, going on 3 this January. Part of what's made it last so long has been the ability to be both friend and partner. What you don't want to do is be -overly- friendly, to the point where you're A) Painfully obvious, or B) Painfully holding back.
This is the part that no one can give you advice on. If you have feelings for this girl, then you know when -you- feel it's the right time to tell her. But it might not be the right time for -her-, because that's what it boils down to in your case. It isn't about you here, so all you can really do is give it a shot in the dark. If you've got the quad to tell her how you feel, then you'll find out right away whether it's a mutual feeling or not.
Rejection can seem pretty daunting, but just remember that while people will come and go, unasked questions will stay with you forever.
No metallifan, he's sure he wants to ask her out and feels that she has been coming on to him. His friend is the one who's a shy introvert.
Might be easier if the OP broke up his wall'o'text a little; I admit I had to re-read it several times for it to make sense because it was all one big paragraph.
That said, I can't give any advice on the situation; me doling out relationship advice is akin to a drug addict telling people how to kick the habit; lack of experience in the given field will probably lead to most of what is said being absolute nonsense.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/10/08 00:30:30
Mandorallen turned back toward the insolently sneering baron. 'My Lord,' The great knight said distantly, 'I find thy face apelike and thy form misshapen. Thy beard, moreover, is an offence against decency, resembling more closely the scabrous fur which doth decorate the hinder portion of a mongrel dog than a proper adornment for a human face. Is it possibly that thy mother, seized by some wild lechery, did dally at some time past with a randy goat?' - Mimbrate Knight Protector Mandorallen.
Excerpt from "Seeress of Kell", Book Five of The Malloreon series by David Eddings.
"You need not fear us, unless you are a dark heart, a vile one who preys on the innocent; I promise, you can’t hide forever in the empty darkness, for we will hunt you down like the animals you are, and pull you into the very bowels of hell." Iron - Within Temptation
loota boy wrote:Ok, I have a friend who is a total introvert most of the time, and doesn't really reach out to people much. But awhile back he started looking in to this one girl, and because he's normally not very outgoing, i encouraged him to go for it even though i'd been looking at the same girl for a bit myself. I figured, Hey, i've dated plenty of girls, and this is a good chance for him to open up and step out of his comfort zone. But it's been 2 months now, and he hasn't made a shot at all. And all the while the girl has been coming on to me. I started to like her a lot more than i did before, but i wanted to give my friend a chance. But he still wouldn't really go for it. I asked him if he was still interested, and when he was gunna make a move, but he kept giving me really vague answers that didn't really mean anything. So i just figured he lost intrested, and started working towards her myself. But he saw me talking to her, and immediatly knew what i was doing. He got really mad at me, and we started fighting a bit. He said that he was gunna make a move, but i was starting to like this girl alot, and i didn't want to just back down an wait anouther month for him to work up the nerve to say hi to her in the hallway. I told him that i'd give him anouther week to go for it, but if he just kept staring at her and hoping she would just fall in her lap i was going to go for it. He called me an donkey-cave and a tool, and i called him spineless and a wuss. We haven't talked to each other sence, and i'm starting to wonder if this girl is worth a friend i've known sence 6th grade. The girl is great, and i really like her, but i don't know if it's worth it. I feel every bit of an donkey-cave and a tool while i write this, but god, i love that girl... What should i do?
Matters on the girl dude. If you have special feelings for her and you care about her. And you have been friends with her for a very long time, do it. It just matters if you are really in love this girl maybe. But I wouldn't take my chances, you might take yours. If you hang out with her already boom thats a relationship right there.
From whom are unforgiven we bring the mercy of war.
halonachos wrote:No metallifan, he's sure he wants to ask her out and feels that she has been coming on to him. His friend is the one who's a shy introvert.
Whatever, you don't win a race by letting others get ahead. Sounds cold, sure, but if his buddy won't make a move why should he have to sit and lament?
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/10/08 00:35:14
I'd give advice, but that'd be like a plane's passenger walking into the cockpit and telling the captain how to fly the damn thing.
Good luck, godspeed, don't say anything stupid.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2011/10/08 00:38:45
There are some who walk until their legs fail them and they fall to the ground. I find that respectable.
Then there are those who drag themselves further. I find that admirable.
halonachos wrote:No metallifan, he's sure he wants to ask her out and feels that she has been coming on to him. His friend is the one who's a shy introvert.
Whatever, you don't win a race by letting others get ahead. Sounds cold, sure, but if his buddy won't make a move why should he have to sit and lament?
That's what I'm beginning to agree with. He just needs to man up and tell his friend to feth off you know, if it turns out that you start dating her and nothing comes of it then oh well get over it.
And if you're drinkin' well, you know that you're my friend and I say "I think I'll have myself a beer" 
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