Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Reisen-tanith wrote:Dear Dad,
its me your son Horus, you know the one who you killed...
I've done it I've created a realm allmost rivaling yours,
Sure it dissolved to infighting but you have recognized it as a threat right,
thats gotta count for something right,
are you proud of my acomplishments
are you?
Your son Horus
Ps tell mom and my brothers I said hi and HA!

To be honest son I'm dissapointed, you took both my bloody arms off!! And your body got destroyed casue you had failbaddon as your left hand man. And your love for Erebus lead you astray in many different ways, to be frank im deeply deeply dissapointed.

Your dad

_______________________

Dear Emperor

Why oh why has for 10,000 years has the Imperial Gaurd been under equipped and used as cannon fodder, i mean the Lasgun is reliable but its rubbish compared to a bolter, built them with stocks and issue them! And have a carapace armour as standard or even power amour as well so we can properly hold onto this galaxy. And re-instate the Imperial Army, the infighting is killing us, and please please please please please remove the current limit upon available SPace Marines, i mean you let that bloody ponce call all the shots and he was at best 4th in line, 2nd after the heresy.

Yours Sincerly

Warmaster Macaroth

Hlaine Larkin mk2 wrote:
Dear Emperor

Why oh why has for 10,000 years has the Imperial Gaurd been under equipped and used as cannon fodder, i mean the Lasgun is reliable but its rubbish compared to a bolter, built them with stocks and issue them! And have a carapace armour as standard or even power amour as well so we can properly hold onto this galaxy. And re-instate the Imperial Army, the infighting is killing us, and please please please please please remove the current limit upon available SPace Marines, i mean you let that bloody ponce call all the shots and he was at best 4th in line, 2nd after the heresy.

Yours Sincerly

Warmaster Macaroth

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, my faithful Servant Macaroth,
I do realise that you have all of these problems, but we simply dont have the money right now, and I like my Space Marines better than you, an, hey, you guys are expendable!
Ooops, did I say that out loud?

yours truly,
THE EMP.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
I was wondering why The Salamander chapter gets to have a family and retire?!?!?!
This goes completely against The Codex Astartes!

Sincerely,
A Raging Ultra-Smurf

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:Dear Emperor,
I was wondering why The Salamander chapter gets to have a family and retire?!?!?!
This goes completely against The Codex Astartes!

Sincerely,
A Raging Ultra-Smurf

dear ultra smurf,

well you see...ummm....im your emporer and your god,i dont need reasons,you are now to be executed for questioning my logic.

sencerly,your devine ruler.

--------------------------------------------------

dear emporer,

i recently was on a going grocrey shopping and was saved by a tau stealth team.they had no reason to save me but went out of their way to shoot those eldar. so if they are so nice,why do you say they are evil?

sencerly,a civilian of *hidden name*

lord commissar klimino wrote:
dear emporer,

i recently was on a going grocrey shopping and was saved by a tau stealth team.they had no reason to save me but went out of their way to shoot those eldar. so if they are so nice,why do you say they are evil?

sencerly,a civilian of *hidden name*

Well, *hidden name*,
Yes, they are. Why, you may ask?
Because they are aliens!
that is all.

The Emp.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear E,
I was wondering if I could get ya some Beer and Pie, since I'm going to the Pub anyways.
Sincerely,
Rogue Trader Bob.

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:

Dear E,
I was wondering if I could get ya some Beer and Pie, since I'm going to the Pub anyways.
Sincerely,
Rogue Trader Bob.

Dear Rogue Trader Bob
Sure, dont forget to buy chips for the 39kth Poker torny this weekend.
Remember, no Apple, Im alergic you know.
Sincerly The Big E

--------Message found in Iron safe beneath the holy palace--------

Dear who ever finds it,
I the current ruler of the empire at the time have left this message to future generations to ask the question,
Did you get rid of the chaos gods yet, or at least removed the chaos moon from earths orbit yet?
Just write the answer down and I will recive it through the winds of magic.
Sincerly
Emporer Karl Franiz of the Empire

Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear who ever finds it,
I the current ruler of the empire at the time have left this message to future generations to ask the question,
Did you get rid of the chaos gods yet, or at least removed the chaos moon from earths orbit yet?
Just write the answer down and I will recive it through the winds of magic.
Sincerly
Emporer Karl Franiz of the Empire

Dear emperor Karl Franz

MESSAGE PURGED unclean chaos magic creted this

Signed
The Ordos Hereticus

___________________________________________________

Dear Emperor

Is it true that its actually Sanguinus fuelling the golden throne or is it another crackpot conspiricy theory

Signed

a very jealous Abbadon

Hlaine Larkin mk2 wrote:

Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear who ever finds it,
I the current ruler of the empire at the time have left this message to future generations to ask the question,
Did you get rid of the chaos gods yet, or at least removed the chaos moon from earths orbit yet?
Just write the answer down and I will recive it through the winds of magic.
Sincerly
Emporer Karl Franiz of the Empire

Dear emperor Karl Franz

MESSAGE PURGED unclean chaos magic creted this

Signed
The Ordos Hereticus

Dang thought the would have worked.

Dear Emperor

Is it true that its actually Sanguinus fuelling the golden throne or is it another crackpot conspiricy theory

Signed

a very jealous Abbadon

Dear possible clone of my dilinquit son
What? Ive never heard of this, Im pretty sure its the souls of Heritics that fuel my golden throne.
Though to be honest, I havent checked , seeing as I am basicly Wired into this thing.
Though I sincerly doubt that as much as I doubt the crazed rumors of the Dark angels having turned Half to Chaos
Ha Ha Ha
Sincerly,
The God Emperor

-------------------------------------------------
Dear Recipiant

Our greetings come to you, our helpful friend, We hope that on your grace we can depend.
To share with you good fortune is our need, One hundred percent Sactioned, guaranteed! -
To pay our Planets's debts we have a stash, Of thirty million credits all in cash;
But it appears the Ministorium, Will not accept transfers from our segmentium.
To transfer this Alterrian amount, We ask the details of your bank account.
Through your account the money we will send, Then ten percent is yours to keep and spend.
From: financeminister@finance.gov.at

Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear Recipiant

Our greetings come to you, our helpful friend, We hope that on your grace we can depend.
To share with you good fortune is our need, One hundred percent Sactioned, guaranteed! -
To pay our Planets's debts we have a stash, Of thirty million credits all in cash;
But it appears the Ministorium, Will not accept transfers from our segmentium.
To transfer this Alterrian amount, We ask the details of your bank account.
Through your account the money we will send, Then ten percent is yours to keep and spend.
From: financeminister@finance.gov.at

Dear Finance Minister:
I'm getting sick these fake accounting calls trying to steal my bank accounts.
Teh Space Emporer.
AKA: Go away. Far away.

dear emprah,

ive found a way to wake you and let you get off that golden throne stronger than ever...but you must give my 50% of your kingdom.deal?

a powerful dude.

Dear a powerfull but far less power full than me dude,
If you have this secrete and wish to barter for it, then I will give you your life, I will track you down and subject you to the most painfull tortures the Inquisition have at their disposal. You are trying to barter with the God Emperor, not a smart idea.
Sincerly,
Your god emperor

Dear emperor,
have any STC found, Produced any non usefull objects,
If so what did they make.
Yours truly
a Mechanus Adept

Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear emperor,
have any STC found, Produced any non usefull objects,
If so what did they make.
Yours truly
a Mechanus Adept

Well Mr Adept (a bit full of ourselves aren't we now) you see when I invented the STCs (yup, I invented them, me, Who the Omnissah? Oh yeah) they were to product anything colonists might need, from tractors to wind generators, to lasguns to sporks.

Stricktly speaking every item in the STC portfolio was useful, none were useless.

Now naturally if you were colonizing a tropical world the files on how to make snowmobiles might not be immediately useful and I doubt the ice world colonists made much use of my super-efficient bicycle design but they might have taken some comfort in knowing it was there.

Y'know seems like ages since I've seen an STC, you guys don't have any lying around do you?

The Omnissiah of Omniscience
Me

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Omniscient Omnissiahical Overlord

Recently while studying ancient texts I happened upon a lost design for a weapon so potent it will surely allow us to finally smite our hated foes, everyone.

It's a gattling belt-fed rocket-propelled chain-fist launcher that can fire 4 AP1, 2d6 penetrating S8 chain-fists a turn! Even in the hands of mere guardsmen it can turn a landraider into scrap in just one burst!

However when I went to register it with the Adeptus Mechanicus Ordro of Stuff Naming I ran into a problem. My desired name, THE NEMESIS DOOMFIST had already been taken.

Undeterred I suggested instead we call it THE DOOMSDAY CANNON. But that was taken.

So I suggested the BLOOD CLAW but that was taken. So was the BLOOD FIST, GODHAMMER and DEATHSTRIKE.

Several hours later I left dejected, all of my names were taken and without a proper GRIMDARK name I know no one will be interested in my gattling chain-fist launcher.

So I turn to you, Emperor the All-Knowing. Are there any GRIMDARK names left that haven't been taken?

Yours
Tech Priest Alpha-43-Q-Acorn-VII-Bob

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Reisen-tanith wrote:
Dear emperor,
have any STC found, Produced any non usefull objects,
If so what did they make.
Yours truly
a Mechanus Adept

Well Mr Adept (a bit full of ourselves aren't we now) you see when I invented the STCs (yup, I invented them, me, Who the Omnissah? Oh yeah) they were to product anything colonists might need, from tractors to wind generators, to lasguns to sporks.

Stricktly speaking every item in the STC portfolio was useful, none were useless.

Now naturally if you were colonizing a tropical world the files on how to make snowmobiles might not be immediately useful and I doubt the ice world colonists made much use of my super-efficient bicycle design but they might have taken some comfort in knowing it was there.

Y'know seems like ages since I've seen an STC, you guys don't have any lying around do you?

The Omnissiah of Omniscience
Me

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Omniscient Omnissiahical Overlord

Recently while studying ancient texts I happened upon a lost design for a weapon so potent it will surely allow us to finally smite our hated foes, everyone.

It's a gattling belt-fed rocket-propelled chain-fist launcher that can fire 4 AP1, 2d6 penetrating S8 chain-fists a turn! Even in the hands of mere guardsmen it can turn a landraider into scrap in just one burst!

However when I went to register it with the Adeptus Mechanicus Ordro of Stuff Naming I ran into a problem. My desired name, THE NEMESIS DOOMFIST had already been taken.

Undeterred I suggested instead we call it THE DOOMSDAY CANNON. But that was taken.

So I suggested the BLOOD CLAW but that was taken. So was the BLOOD FIST, GODHAMMER and DEATHSTRIKE.

Several hours later I left dejected, all of my names were taken and without a proper GRIMDARK name I know no one will be interested in my gattling chain-fist launcher.

So I turn to you, Emperor the All-Knowing. Are there any GRIMDARK names left that haven't been taken?

Yours
Tech Priest Alpha-43-Q-Acorn-VII-Bob

Dear Priest:

The Auros Magnum

The Emperor. [Yes, all knowing].

Dear Emporer,

Why do you never answer my phone calls?

Your humble servant,

Horus

TrollPie wrote:Dear Emporer,

Why do you never answer my phone calls?

Your humble servant,

Horus

Horus.

I got a big chair for fathers day from you.

The Emperor.

Kasrkai wrote:

TrollPie wrote:Dear Emporer,

Why do you never answer my phone calls?

Your humble servant,

Horus

Horus.

I got a big chair for fathers day from you.

The Emperor.

(that was great )
To da Humie Big god
Whatz Iz Up with Youz sending A massive Mob of Humies every Time wez goez on vacation, True Da boyz love it, but dey keep gettin stomed, We just wants to showz off our gargants and stompas to you lot,
Sincerlly
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
Dave

Reisen-tanith wrote:

Kasrkai wrote:

TrollPie wrote:Dear Emporer,

Why do you never answer my phone calls?

Your humble servant,

Horus

Horus.

I got a big chair for fathers day from you.

The Emperor.

(that was great )
To da Humie Big god
Whatz Iz Up with Youz sending A massive Mob of Humies every Time wez goez on vacation, True Da boyz love it, but dey keep gettin stomed, We just wants to showz off our gargants and stompas to you lot,
Sincerlly
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
Dave

Dear WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!! Dave

Kill the Heretic! Burn the mutant! Purge the unclean!

Orks fall under the unclean catagory.

Sincerely, "da Humie Big god"

dear almighty "god"

im not buying it.your in a fething chair unable to move. the only power you have comes from the fact 90% of humans are idiots.so tell me,how did you get so many to follow you?

"sincerely",me.

lord commissar klimino wrote:dear almighty "god"

im not buying it.your in a fething chair unable to move. the only power you have comes from the fact 90% of humans are idiots.so tell me,how did you get so many to follow you?

"sincerely",me.

Dear me,

I died to save the entirety of humanity. No biggie, sorry to disappoint, I 'spose it wasn't all that worthy of God-ship. Nor is having lived for thousands and thousands of years - before even Jesus.

I 'spose being the most powerful human that ever lived isn't important to.
And powering the Astronomican whilst fighting Daemons in the warp with my mind is of no consequence either.

Sincerely, thy immortal Emperor.

P.S. I never actually wanted to be worshipped as a God. But sh*t happens, y'know?

Dear Foolish Mon-Keigh,

What the hell was up with that whole heresy thing? I told Fulgrim very clearly that Horus would betray you, and he promised to pass on the message. Seriously, everyone I've helped so far has turned out great, but that little poof of yours just ignores me.
Sincerely,

Eldrad

TrollPie wrote:Dear Foolish Mon-Keigh,

What the hell was up with that whole heresy thing? I told Fulgrim very clearly that Horus would betray you, and he promised to pass on the message. Seriously, everyone I've helped so far has turned out great, but that little poof of yours just ignores me.
Sincerely,

Eldrad

Dear Eldrad,

Yeah, sorry, my bad. But if you think that little incident was bad, you should've seen be in my pubescant years! Heh. Heh heh. Hehehehehe.

Sincerely, the guy on the crapper.
---

Dear Big E,

Yo dawg, I heard you like being Space Emprah and sitting on the toilet so I put Space Emprah on your toilet so you can be a Space Emprah whilst you sit on the toilet and I put toilet on your Space Emprah so you can be on the toilet whilst being a Space Emprah.

Sincerely, that guy from the memes.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:
Dear Big E,

Yo dawg, I heard you like being Space Emprah and sitting on the toilet so I put Space Emprah on your toilet so you can be a Space Emprah whilst you sit on the toilet and I put toilet on your Space Emprah so you can be on the toilet whilst being a Space Emprah.

Sincerely, that guy from the memes.

Why thank you, "guy from the memes".
Now I kill you because I can't understand you.
The Space Emprah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_---------

Dear Human Emperor,
I wish to inform you that your empire is dieing, much like ours.
We want to help you!
Please except this offer!

Sincerely, Farseer J'laet

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
Dear Human Emperor,
I wish to inform you that your empire is dieing, much like ours.
We want to help you!
Please except this offer!

Sincerely, Farseer J'laet

EMPIRE DYING? Ha! You puny Eldar and your silly "Extinction". We humans will laugh as you all die, your souls going to that she-thing you call She who Thirsts!

Anyway, a nice team of our friendliest chapter, the Flesh Tearers, are on their way as we speak to say hi.

------------------------------

Dear Mr. Emperor,

Sadly, we have to inform you that your "Cat Fancy" subscription has run out.

You have been with this magazine for: 38,000 Years; and we would not like a reader such as yourself to miss our amazing cats!

Please put your Credit Chit information on the card attached, and you will be getting your next 12 issues of Cat Fancy with a free gift!

Chowderhead wrote:
Dear Mr. Emperor,

Sadly, we have to inform you that your "Cat Fancy" subscription has run out.

You have been with this magazine for: 38,000 Years; and we would not like a reader such as yourself to miss our amazing cats!

Please put your Credit Chit information on the card attached, and you will be getting your next 12 issues of Cat Fancy with a free gift!

Dear unnamed magazine seller,

I see that the free gift is a limited-edition Darkokitten, I will definitely be renewing my subscription for that alone! It shall be my most prized possession.


Sincerely, a very exicted Emprahhh.

--

Dear Space Emperor,

Meow, your limited-edition Darkokitten and Cat Fancy issues have arrived. Congratulations! Meow, Meow, Meow, MEOW MEOW MEOW.

Yours felinely, Darkvoidof40k.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

Chowderhead wrote:
Dear Mr. Emperor,

Sadly, we have to inform you that your "Cat Fancy" subscription has run out.

You have been with this magazine for: 38,000 Years; and we would not like a reader such as yourself to miss our amazing cats!

Please put your Credit Chit information on the card attached, and you will be getting your next 12 issues of Cat Fancy with a free gift!

Dear unnamed magazine seller,

I see that the free gift is a limited-edition Darkokitten, I will definitely be renewing my subscription for that alone! It shall be my most prized possession.


Sincerely, a very exicted Emprahhh.

--

Dear Space Emperor,

Meow, your limited-edition Darkokitten and Cat Fancy issues have arrived. Congratulations! Meow, Meow, Meow, MEOW MEOW MEOW.

Yours felinely, Darkvoidof40k.

Dear feliney Darkvoidof40k:

I made SPACE WOLVES for a reason...

Sincerely: Big E.

(just a reminder here, it's supposed to be answer+new question, not just an answer)

Dear Wolf Daddy E,

So like I've been serving you for like 10,000 years, which is 70,000 in dog years y'know! (That's a little joke)

And I ain't gonna complain or nothing I've had a good run but there's one thing.

Do I really have to look like an angry washing machine?

This is kind of embarassing but last week some of the blood claws tried to jam their dirty underwear into my sargophogis! Whoa! This is not the way to wake up from a century of sleep let me tell you!

Now I know you've got your own issues what with looking like Skeletor and sitting on a cold metal chair all day but I was wondering if maybe you couldn't get me one of those sexy, sexy Contemptor bodies?



Just picture this, me strutting across the battlefield with my long legs, actually having hands that can pick stuff up and guns that can traverse...

Oh please, just this one little thing for me?

Please?

Your pal

Bjorn the Left Handed

Dear Emperor,
May you please help us to stop the Beastmen from Fantasy from assaulting my Woods

From Lord,
rockerbikie.

rockerbikie wrote:
Dear Emperor,
May you please help us to stop the Beastmen from Fantasy from assaulting my Woods

From Lord,
rockerbikie.

No. Wood Elves are pansies and are like Eldar.

Dear Emperor,
Can you please kill Slaanesh for me?

Your honoured servant,
thenoobbomb.

thenoobbomb wrote:

rockerbikie wrote:
Dear Emperor,
May you please help us to stop the Beastmen from Fantasy from assaulting my Woods

From Lord,
rockerbikie.

No. Wood Elves are pansies and are like Eldar.

Dear Emperor,
Can you please kill Slaanesh for me?

Your honoured servant,
thenoobbomb.

No. It would be too boring without him.

Dear Emperor.

Can I have annul leave and a nice Holiday?

From Blood Claw,
Rockerbikie

Dear Emperor.

Can I have annul leave and a nice Holiday?

From Blood Claw,
Rockerbikie

__________________

No. Because you are a speez mahriin! Purge Tyranids instead!

Your divine master and slave-lord,
the Emperor.
___________________
Dear Emperor,

Can you kill Matt Ward for me?

Best wishes,
A Matt Ward hater.

thenoobbomb wrote:Dear Emperor.

Can I have annul leave and a nice Holiday?

From Blood Claw,
Rockerbikie

__________________

No. Because you are a speez mahriin! Purge Tyranids instead!

Your divine master and slave-lord,
the Emperor.
___________________
Dear Emperor,

Can you kill Matt Ward for me?

Best wishes,
A Matt Ward hater.

Yes and I will enlist a better monkey next time.
The Emperor

Dear Emperor,

Can we meet each other and have a chat over a few beers?

From Blood Claw
Rockerbikie