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Dear Blood Claw,

No. I prefer some Primarch-Pee.

Greetings,
The Big E. Go and worsjip me.
_____________
Dear Emperor,

Will you give a kiss to Horus for me?
Your servant,
Alpharius

thenoobbomb wrote:Dear Blood Claw,

No. I prefer some Primarch-Pee.

Greetings,
The Big E. Go and worsjip me.
_____________
Dear Emperor,

Will you give a kiss to Horus for me?
Your servant,
Alpharius

No, I don't like Horrus anymore.
Emperor

Dear Emperor,

Can I have my own Land Raider for my birthday? My squad is very unequiped.

From, your loyal Bloodclaw.

dear loyal bloodclaw.

im sorry to inform you that we are..er,out of and raiders.but dont worry,ive sent a IG tank regiment to help you.

sincerely,the emperor.

-----------
dear emperor,

im 12 and found dis portal and made this deal with these red men and tomorrow they are coming over for a tea party! can you come to?

sincerely,a kid on a planet

I am too busy to come, sorry.
From Emperor

To Emperor,
Would you like to attend a fine party at my very own house?
From Lelith Hesperex.

To Emperor,
Would you like to attend a fine party at my very own house?
From Lelith Hesperex.

Would I?

WOULD I?

Lemme tell ya, I would LOVE to go to ANY PARTY, ANYWHERE BUT HERE. I mean granted this is a pretty sweet pad what with the flying neekid babies and the crazy tech priests in robes and the two titans sitting outside my door but y'know after the first 10,000 years it gets a bit dull. Thank me I signed up for HBO before the big heresy thing huh?

Your bedridden pal
SPACE!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear the Space Emporer,

Honey, sweetie, it's me, I just want to tell you that I'm not angry, I'm just very, very disappointed.

I mean really. That pervert Draigo gets a codex with all the trimmings and me, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, just gets a WD article?

How is that fair?

How is that right?

I know our relationship has had it's ups and downs over the millennia, like that time you let those Necrons slaughter us at Sanctuary 101, or the time you shoved us into Codex Witch Hunters when everyone knows we're part of the Eccesiasticy not the Inquisition. But that's OK. Everyone has their issues and we're no exception.

But come on, does anyone even read White Dwarf anymore?

Your one true love
St Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade

PS Sorry this letter is so short but Draigo and his boys are at the door, something about wanting to borrow some pure blood.

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Space Emporer,

Honey, sweetie, it's me, I just want to tell you that I'm not angry, I'm just very, very disappointed.

I mean really. That pervert Draigo gets a codex with all the trimmings and me, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, just gets a WD article?

How is that fair?

How is that right?

I know our relationship has had it's ups and downs over the millennia, like that time you let those Necrons slaughter us at Sanctuary 101, or the time you shoved us into Codex Witch Hunters when everyone knows we're part of the Eccesiasticy not the Inquisition. But that's OK. Everyone has their issues and we're no exception.

But come on, does anyone even read White Dwarf anymore?

Your one true love
St Celestine
Hieromartyr of the Palantine Crusade

PS Sorry this letter is so short but Draigo and his boys are at the door, something about wanting to borrow some pure blood.

Oh my ME, would you get off of my case woman?! and stop airing our dirty laundry in public. Our relationship reminds me of a space marine vindicator, a useless box that's mostly a liability which one has to take to be able to use it's HUUUUGE gun.

-----------------------------

Dear The Space Emperor,
I'm calling you out! Next month at Wargamesmania in front of a sold out crowd at Madison Square Garden, you and me are going to throw down one-on-one! Don't think your godlike powers will save you, I've already taken down one man with divine powers that thought he was unbeatable, with the lovely ms. Harbinger in my corner I cannot lose. I am the Invincible, I am the Rolling Thunder, and I will be the next wargames world champion! Whacha gonna do when a boosted power twenty four charges in on you?!
Lord commander Coleman Styker

Dear The Space Emperor,
I'm calling you out! Next month at Wargamesmania in front of a sold out crowd at Madison Square Garden, you and me are going to throw down one-on-one! Don't think your godlike powers will save you, I've already taken down one man with divine powers that thought he was unbeatable, with the lovely ms. Harbinger in my corner I cannot lose. I am the Invincible, I am the Rolling Thunder, and I will be the next wargames world champion! Whacha gonna do when a boosted power twenty four charges in on you?!
Lord commander Coleman Styker

Dear Recruit Trooper Styker,

As the GOD Emporer of Mankind i do encourage a bit of friendly sportsman-ship within to ranks to strengthen brotherly bonds, the same bonds that should carry thousands of men to the feild of battle and beyond to victory! And to prove it, Ill give you 5 full minutes to do your best before i used my "I Win" ability on you! And afterwards you can climb through the ranks of the Imperial Gaurd once more to show everyone how much fellowship you are full of!

Yours Truely
The Emprah of Mankind

Dear God Emporer,
I recently awoke from a rather awesome party with no pants, a sore backside, and various idols of Slanesh around me (coated with some filmy substance). What in the name of Holy Terra happened to me, and is there any way to prevent this occuring again?
Yours,
Trooper First-Class Michael

Anidem wrote:

Dear God Emporer,
I recently awoke from a rather awesome party with no pants, a sore backside, and various idols of Slanesh around me (coated with some filmy substance). What in the name of Holy Terra happened to me, and is there any way to prevent this occuring again?
Yours,
Trooper First-Class Michael

I suggest not trusting that bearded man from the hangover. Or the little gay asian guy for that matter.
THE E.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dear Emperor,
it appears that a member of the Astartes Custodies has been murdered via his eye sockets being torn apart.
He couldn't *put on sunglasses* have seen it coming.
- Detective Heraishio Cain.

P.S.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dear Emperor,
it appears that a member of the Astartes Custodies has been murdered via his eye sockets being torn apart.
He couldn't *put on sunglasses* have seen it coming.
- Detective Heraishio Cain.

P.S.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Dear Detective Cain,

Yeah, I saw that! I was right there. One second he's standing there on guard, like he has been for the last 100 centuries, the next he's screaming in agony with blood everywhere. It was awesome.

Ya'know, it's little things like this that help me through the millenia. When you've been stuck on a golden crapper for 10,000 years, sometimes you just feel like pulling the plug.

Sincerely,

The Emporer

Dear the Space Emporer

I've alway dreamed of becoming a Space Marine which is why when the USMC (Ultramar Space Marine Corps) recruited me as a scout I was so happy.

It hasn't always been easy, what with trying to sneak around in bright blue armor with a fire engine red gun but I've certainly tried my best and I hope to soon make the rank of Battle Brother.

Recently the Chaplain came by while we were showering and he pulled me aside. He said he could help me make battle brother, but first I had to come to his quarters to 'polish his rod' and 'penetrate the rear armor' and 'launch the boarding torpedo'.

His offer puzzles me. I mean surely rod polishing is the job of a servitor. And while all marines must be able to penetrate rear armor at any time, sometimes with their bare hands, I don't see how I can practice that in the Chaplain's quarters. And finally launching boarding torpedos is the job of the highly trained chapter serfs who man our battle barges, not the role of a Battle Brother.

So my question is will this really help me get promoted?

Yours in humility
Brother Scout Antonius Victorium
Ultramar

That post was so full of awesome, I'm unworthy of answering it.

Kid_Kyoto wrote:Dear the Space Emporer

I've alway dreamed of becoming a Space Marine which is why when the USMC (Ultramar Space Marine Corps) recruited me as a scout I was so happy.

It hasn't always been easy, what with trying to sneak around in bright blue armor with a fire engine red gun but I've certainly tried my best and I hope to soon make the rank of Battle Brother.

Recently the Chaplain came by while we were showering and he pulled me aside. He said he could help me make battle brother, but first I had to come to his quarters to 'polish his rod' and 'penetrate the rear armor' and 'launch the boarding torpedo'.

His offer puzzles me. I mean surely rod polishing is the job of a servitor. And while all marines must be able to penetrate rear armor at any time, sometimes with their bare hands, I don't see how I can practice that in the Chaplain's quarters. And finally launching boarding torpedos is the job of the highly trained chapter serfs who man our battle barges, not the role of a Battle Brother.

So my question is will this really help me get promoted?

Yours in humility
Brother Scout Antonius Victorium
Ultramar

Dear Antonius,

Oh, honey. You are at a very fragile time in your life. Many choices lie before you, some of which you are going to have to make on your own. This is one of them. You have to ask yourself, is being an Ultramarine everything you want it to be? If the answer is yes, then you just march up to that Chaplain and you show him you've got what it takes, even though his 'rites' may be surprising, scary, or occassionally leave you unable to use a Land Speeder properly for a few days. If the answer is no, then you're a heretic, and must be purged.

Auntie E.


---


Dear the Space Emperor,

I just got back from a road trip with some of my drinking buddies on my space motorbike, and now our home planet seems to be filled with some strange bug like things. They look like a rip off of Aliens and Starship troopers. We've tried asking them to leave, but they've been quite threatening, and have made jokes about our height and our beards. What should we do?

Yours,

Retcon Thunderguts, Squat

Dear the Space Emperor,

I just got back from a road trip with some of my drinking buddies on my space motorbike, and now our home planet seems to be filled with some strange bug like things. They look like a rip off of Aliens and Starship troopers. We've tried asking them to leave, but they've been quite threatening, and have made jokes about our height and our beards. What should we do?

Yours,

Retcon Thunderguts, Squat
_______________

Drink beer, and worship me.
_______________
Hi therez Speez Emprah git!

Diz is Big Mek Wuzzep, and I like toz tellyportas. Could ya give me some to experiment with?

Wuzzep da Big Mek

Dear Wuzzep:

No. Orks are xenos, and xenos don't get teleportation technology until they finish their supper.

Big E.

-------------------

Dear Teh Space Emporer:

What is love?

Sincerely:

Battle Brother Haddaway

Kasrkai wrote:
Dear Teh Space Emporer:

What is love?

Sincerely:

Battle Brother Haddaway

Dear Brother Haddaway,

Love is like oxygen.
Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!

And that is why Horus became an emo.

Teh Space Emporer

Dear Space Emperor

How did you become the Emperor?

BattleBrother wrote:Dear Space Emperor

How did you become the Emperor?

(look at the others,do it better please)

dear .....random text,

i killed a bunch of people,forced humanity to come together,killed a bunch of alien races for laughs,and purged all religion. pretty much i was douche bag.

sincerely,the emprah.

----------

dear corpse...thing,

i dont like the way this government is run. what happened to good systems like democracy? did you decide equal rights sucked and flush it out? or were you just a douche bag who thought communists were the good guys? i bet you just liked red and black.

not giving you my name.

lord commissar klimino wrote:

dear corpse...thing,

i dont like the way this government is run. what happened to good systems like democracy? did you decide equal rights sucked and flush it out? or were you just a douche bag who thought communists were the good guys? i bet you just liked red and black.

not giving you my name.

Dear obviously anonymous heretic

Your message has been taken by the inquisiton to be checked for any marks of heresy. Your message shows free speech; which shows signs of heresy. Who do you think we are, fun loving slaanesh worshippers?!

Love, the inquisitive post office (thingy )

PS: A grey knight will come to your door and purge you of free will and heresy soon enough.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Space Emperor

I recently became self conscious about myself and have recently been embarrassed about my weight. My skin is all wrinkly, im pale, feel sick and guts have literally exploded to outside of my skin! Am I fat, or just exagerating?

Love, A Great Unclean One of Nurgle!

Dear Space Emperor

I recently became self conscious about myself and have recently been embarrassed about my weight. My skin is all wrinkly, im pale, feel sick and guts have literally exploded to outside of my skin! Am I fat, or just exagerating?

Love, A Great Unclean One of Nurgle!


_________________________________________________


try running on a treadmill (I prefere Baneblades) healthy eating (ie. cut down on tyranids) and visit a health spa. (try the sisters hospitalar they 'heal' REALLY well)

______________________________________________________

Dear corpse-god-false-emperor.

why were you so mean to Magnus?


signed

Not Arhriman at all

Dear corpse-god-false-emperor.

why were you so mean to Magnus?


signed

Not Arhriman at all
_______________
Dear Ahriman,

Magnus used sorcery! He was/is a heretic!

Your lovely lord.
_______________
Dear Emperor,

Thank ya for ya reply. But we Orkz already have tellyportas better then yours is.
I tell ya its secrets if you tell toz of you!

Wuzzep

Dear Emperor,

Thank ya for ya reply. But we Orkz already have tellyportas better then yours is.
I tell ya its secrets if you tell toz of you!

Wuzzep
________________________________________________

wuzzep.

for your blatant statement, saying that xenotech is better, a black templar squad is arriving at your door for being both a xeno and a heretic. a xerotic. the highest crime possible.

signed. the emperor

______________________________

dear space emperor.

recently, my squad encountered an eldar farseer and proceeded to 'purge' her in unarmed combat, not even using our sidearms!. will we get promoted for this?

signed. a very happy guardsman

dear space emperor.

recently, my squad encountered an eldar farseer and proceeded to 'purge' her in unarmed combat, not even using our sidearms!. will we get promoted for this?

signed. a very happy guardsman
_________________

Wait a minute..
You are:
1. A simple guardsman
2. A rapist.

No, no promotion!

Big E
___________________
Emprah git,

Thankz for sending oomans! I can finally test da 20 Stompa's and squiggoths!
Thank ya for da fun!

Wuzzep

Emprah git,

Thankz for sending oomans! I can finally test da 20 Stompa's and squiggoths!
Thank ya for da fun!

Wuzzep
_______________________________

thank YOU wuzzep for allowing me to test my new weapons of exterminatus. bombardmet by barking toads.

(failling that we will send in the angry marines who have been knowen to have one of their scouts take out a titan legion wjile aarmed with a toothpick)
____________________________________
dear emperor.


I have just found a portal with purple girls on the other side...I am not sure what to do. they keep telling me that If I come in they will give me a mastercrafted psilencer, but my justicar always told me to stay away from strangers. what do I do?

confused grey knight

dear emperor.


I have just found a portal with purple girls on the other side...I am not sure what to do. they keep telling me that If I come in they will give me a mastercrafted psilencer, but my justicar always told me to stay away from strangers. what do I do?

confused grey knight
____________

Get in, grey knight, and let the fun start..

Big E.
ps. Kill the justicar. Now.
____________
Emprah git

Toz exterminatuz can shoot speez hulkz?
Ah, who carez. Therez 8 of 'em.

Wuzzep.

Emprah git

Toz exterminatuz can shoot speez hulkz?
Ah, who carez. Therez 8 of 'em.

Wuzzep

_______________________________

no matter. I have just received report that the angy marines booted you across the galaxy, (go WAAAGH on the tau why dont you?)
_____________________________________

dear the space emperor

why do I haf a spech imped-eemunt and hwhy do I nawt saunD laik other spess muhreenz?

indrik

ineptus astartes wrote:
dear the space emperor

why do I haf a spech imped-eemunt and hwhy do I nawt saunD laik other spess muhreenz?

indrik

Dear Indrik,

Because you are a mutant and must be purged.
Sincerely,

Teh Spehss Emprah

dear space emperor


was the reason horus was such a bad kid because he did'nt spend time with his dad?

dear space emperor


was the reason horus was such a bad kid because he did'nt spend time with his dad?

_______________
No, I put him in a centre with other kids, what would make him nice.
_______________
Speez Emprah git,

Can ya pleaze show me da way to toz Tau-thingz?
Anywayz, that exterminatuz was fun. A loud boom that killed 1/ 4th of da boyz! It h=just made me day!

Wuzzep

Speez Emprah git,

Can ya pleaze show me da way to toz Tau-thingz?
Anywayz, that exterminatuz was fun. A loud boom that killed 1/ 4th of da boyz! It h=just made me day!

Wuzzep
__________________________________

the tau are in the galactic east. just take a left at the tombworld cluster and go straight pass the hive fleet.

Big E


________________________________________

dear emperor,


say someone had a bit of their chapter turn to chaos...would that make the chapter suitable for extermination? just curious.




signed.

Not-A-Dark-Angel-At-All

dear emperor,


say someone had a bit of their chapter turn to chaos...would that make the chapter suitable for extermination? just curious.




signed.

Not-A-Dark-Angel-At-All
___________

Hrm..

I will see. Yes, I suppose.
Exterminauts is on its way to Caliban.

Have fun,
Your God.

__________
Emprah-git,

Thank ya for showing da way! On the way to there we alzo got some strange red thing in da ship that killed 'arf of da boyz! Fun!
Mind coming along toz Tau?

Wuzzep