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@ thenoobbomb - It'd be nice if you actually tried to come up with something original with your letters to the Big E rather than just sending ones from the same character over and over again. It's repetitive and annoying.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:@ thenoobbomb - It'd be nice if you actually tried to come up with something original with your letters to the Big E rather than just sending ones from the same character over and over again. It's repetitive and annoying.

okay!

*searches the big book of Ork names*

NO! NO MORE ORKS!

ineptus astartes wrote:NO! NO MORE ORKS!

I have spread the spores

and I have flamed them.


just do somone else

Oh, you flamed then? Tats sad. Who cares? im sure a Tau is complaining about an Ork invasion..

Guys, guys, the issue isn't Orks or not, the issue is this should a FUNNY thread, not a dull one. Countless questions like 'I'm gonna get you Emperor' whether signed by an Ork, Chaos or whatever are dull. I'd say unless you have a particularly funny twist on one stay away.

The best questions are ones that either mock GW fluff (do I have enough skulls on my armor?) or use a real world problem but twist into a proper 40k form (the Chaplain says I can get a promotion if I 'polish his rod').

So let's all try and up our game.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

To my most Honoured Commander in Chief, Teh Space Emporer:

It was recently my honour to assume command of the 117th Mordian Mechanized Battallion.

I have under my command 216 Leman Russ tanks of various models, 153 Chimera, 111 mobile artillery units of different types, 79 Sentinels, 26 Valkyries and Vendettas, 13 Hellhounds, 6 Baneblade superheavy tanks, a Leviathan Mobile Command Center, and even have 3 CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORTS.

And therein lies the problem.

For you see all these tanks require fuel. And ammo. And spare parts. And men, men who require food and water and medical supplies.

But I have not one truck, or cargo vehicle, or staff car to move them in! If I have to go to a meeting across town I must use my CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT which requires stopping twice at a gas station to refuel. As I'm sure you understand this is not an option during a battle.

How am I supposed to go to war?

We could strap fuel barrels and ammo boxes to the outside of our tanks but generally we do not want to be putting explosive materials next to our hull.

I've tried contacting the Forge World for help but they have no trucks or cars to sell me. All they could suggest was i buy more CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORTS or perhaps some new doors.

So I appeal to you. The Emporer of Space. Please instruct Forge World to build us some trucks!

Yours
Col Maximus Von Hattan
117 Mordian Mechanized Battalion

Kid_Kyoto wrote:
To my most Honoured Commander in Chief, Teh Space Emporer:

It was recently my honour to assume command of the 117th Mordian Mechanized Battallion.

I have under my command 216 Leman Russ tanks of various models, 153 Chimera, 111 mobile artillery units of different types, 79 Sentinels, 26 Valkyries and Vendettas, 13 Hellhounds, 6 Baneblade superheavy tanks, a Leviathan Mobile Command Center, and even have 3 CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORTS.

And therein lies the problem.

For you see all these tanks require fuel. And ammo. And spare parts. And men, men who require food and water and medical supplies.

But I have not one truck, or cargo vehicle, or staff car to move them in! If I have to go to a meeting across town I must use my CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT which requires stopping twice at a gas station to refuel. As I'm sure you understand this is not an option during a battle.

How am I supposed to go to war?

We could strap fuel barrels and ammo boxes to the outside of our tanks but generally we do not want to be putting explosive materials next to our hull.

I've tried contacting the Forge World for help but they have no trucks or cars to sell me. All they could suggest was i buy more CRASSIUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORTS or perhaps some new doors.

So I appeal to you. The Emporer of Space. Please instruct Forge World to build us some trucks!

Yours
Col Maximus Von Hattan
117 Mordian Mechanized Battalion

I'll see what I can do about it...
Your annoyed Emperor,
The Emperor.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++-++++++++++++++++++++++----+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Emperor,
I wonder, would GW be sued if they made Slaanesh models exactly according to fluff?
As that would have lots of sexual themes on the models.

-A curious one.

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
Dear Emperor,
I wonder, would GW be sued if they made Slaanesh models exactly according to fluff?
As that would have lots of sexual themes on the models.

-A curious one.

Of course not. Obviously, these 'women' have plagarised GW's creation, Slaanesh, and then claimed they came up with the idea first AND that it is inappropriate! Such lying, spiteful people have no care in furthering the hobby and take advantage of GW's hard work.

Sincerely and angrily,
The God-Emporer of Mankind

Dear Space Emporer,

I am a 38 year old mother and wife from Macragge. I have been married for 14 years, and in that time have given birth to 2 boys. While we've had our ups and downs, on the whole the children have had a good upbringing and there has been little trouble in the past from either of them.

However, recently my eldest, Jothan, was expelled from Ultramar Heights Academy. A teacher discovered him a week ago, smoking marijuana behind the jetbike sheds. I don't know what could cause him to turn to drugs. The poor boy's only 13 years old, for Emprah's sake!
I understand it's not entirely unexpected-the way his grades have been declining recently had been indicating that something was wrong-but now no school will take him and I fear for his future. I've been told that this could have serious knock-on effects. If he becomes addicted, his whole life will be in jeopardy. I could send him to rehab, but under your rule such care is no longer free. We are only a working class family and have enough on our mind at the moment.

But my biggest concern is of how drugs could enter circulation at a high-standard middle school. This isn't Armageddon. This isn't even Mordian! This is Macragge, at the centre of Ultramar, and we expect an ordered society here. Personally I sespect it's those potheads from the Tau Empire. Never trust the xenos, that's what the inquisitor said, and by You he was right.
I've sent a message to the local government and consulted local police forces, but all of them have told me that it is beyond their control. As the rulers of the planet, it most certainly is not! If not even the noble Ultramarines will help me now, my master, what am I to do?
Your humble servant,

Sandy Piper

Dear Faithful servant of the Emperor, you are indeed right to be concerned over the well being of you son. Sadly your duty is clear, he must be purged of his sin and given the Emperor's peace to prevent his Heresy from spreading. Option 2 is much simpler, enlist him into the Imperial Guard, let the xeno's sort him out.


Yours Faithfully
The Big E


--------------------------------------------------------


Dear Emperor

Is it wrong of me to collect photographs of you and then cut out your head and replace it with a picture of my head. My friends think I'm wierd but I'm not convinced


Yours Truely
Spotty

HellsGuardian316 wrote:
Dear Emperor

Is it wrong of me to collect photographs of you and then cut out your head and replace it with a picture of my head. My friends think I'm wierd but I'm not convinced


Yours Truely
Spotty

No... of course not...

*le sends Assassin to your position.*

THE BIG E!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

What is your opinion of this rather idiotic and rather heretical organization known as "P.E.T.A."?
They wont let me add cybernetics to my hunter-eagle!

Sincerely,
a angry Space Marine Captain.

Warlord Gazghkull Thraka wrote:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

What is your opinion of this rather idiotic and rather heretical organization known as "P.E.T.A."?
They wont let me add cybernetics to my hunter-eagle!

Sincerely,
a angry Space Marine Captain.

Dear ASMC

P.E.T.A? People Eating tyranid Apendexes? No they seem cool, crippling the 'nids by allowing septic build up and then causing organ failure.
Why won't they let you add cybernetics. Wierd, Apendex eaters that must eat eagles to. Do it and send them the parts you replace( Like the apendex!)
-------------------
Dear Emprah
Could you in theroy liek turn into a chaos emprah cuz ya know you could be corrupted rigght?
-Emo Spess mahrine

TheWildHost wrote:
Dear Emprah
Could you in theroy liek turn into a chaos emprah cuz ya know you could be corrupted rigght?
-Emo Spess mahrine

dear emo,

>.>
<.<
>.<
i already am one.keep it a secret.oh,your about to die anyways.

your good leader,E.

------------------------------

dear E man,

so,im trying to sell these orks as slaves,but no one likes my prices.they say i should lower it from 100 thrones a pound to 40 thrones a pound.should i listen to them?

your pal,mr.blueman.

lord commissar klimino wrote:


dear E man,

so,im trying to sell these orks as slaves,but no one likes my prices.they say i should lower it from 100 thrones a pound to 40 thrones a pound.should i listen to them?

your pal,mr.blueman.

Hrm, normally I disagree with keeping xenos as slaves, why should we feed and house them when there are so many impoverished hive worlders we could enslave instead? But I've gotta say at 40 thrones a pound even I'd be tempted to pick up a few for novelty's sake.

The Emporer of Space
(except the Xenos parts)
-------------------------

To the most esteemed lord of the Human Race of the Milkyway Galaxy

I bring you greetings!

I represent an interngalactic organization that was created to unite the free races of different galaxies and oppose the transgalactic menace whom you call the Tyrnaids. In your language we would be called the Alliance to Exterminate Intergalactic Organism United, though some of our more impatient members from time to time will add the word Yesterday! to our name to show their desire for haste.

The Tyrnaid plague has already left a hundred hundred galaxies stripped of all life and now threatens yours.

Working together we have developed weapons that can help you fight off their endless numbers and would be happy to share them with you, please have your telepaths contact me as soon as possible.

Sincerely
Lord Alpha
Authorized Representative of AEIOU and Sometimes Y

To the most esteemed lord of the Human Race of the Milkyway Galaxy

I bring you greetings!

I represent an interngalactic organization that was created to unite the free races of different galaxies and oppose the transgalactic menace whom you call the Tyrnaids. In your language we would be called the Alliance to Exterminate Intergalactic Organism United, though some of our more impatient members from time to time will add the word Yesterday! to our name to show their desire for haste.

The Tyrnaid plague has already left a hundred hundred galaxies stripped of all life and now threatens yours.

Working together we have developed weapons that can help you fight off their endless numbers and would be happy to share them with you, please have your telepaths contact me as soon as possible.

Sincerely
Lord Alpha
Authorized Representative of AEIOU and Sometimes Y




PURGE THE XENO!

now. let me see that weapon...hmm...lord machanicum! consecrate this!
thank you for your problem solving galactic RAID mister xeno! I will gift YOU this! an armed bolt round moving at 1000 kilometers per hour straight toward your left eye!

thank you for your patronage

emperor -CLaSSIFIED-








dear the space emperor.

I successfully 'purged' a slanneshi cult, using no weapons! will I be getting commendation?

It'd be really nice if people came up with responses as equally good as Kyoto's questions. It's like he writes something really good and humorous, then BAM. Someone jumps in with a rubbish answer and everyone who reads it is just thinking "Oh."

well soooo-rrrry!

dear the space emperor.

I successfully 'purged' a slanneshi cult, using no weapons! will I be getting commendation?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear unnamed servant,

Questions such as these require further information. If you are a Space Marine, you should be getting a menacing-looking scar, heaps of plot armour, and for some reason no helmet. If you are really lucky, you might get a page in the codex. If you are a Guardsmen, you shall be getting a promotion to Company Commander and, if you have taken grevious wounds, a rubber ring to sit on. If you are a regular citizen, you may be cleansed of Chaos influence and returned to your labour. If you are a Sister of Battle, a video will be posted on the internet for all of us to oggle.

The Emporer
----------------------------
Dear Emporer,

For the last 10,000 years, I have had a successful job in pillaging millions to satisfy my superiors. My working relationship with fellow employees has been good throughout, despite a few little niggles with my many-breasted apprentices.
However, recently I have become increasingly attracted to my boss. She is beautiful, intelligent and funny, and I believe that as her only understudy she may feel the same way about me.
Unfortunately, I fear she may simply use me as a sexual tool. While it may seem odd, a woman using a man as an object, she is very powerful-she has been hunting down and devouring entire race of aliens for the past 10 millenia. I do not want to be picked up and thrown away like a used toy; I wish to have a loving relationship with her. As the God of love and beauty, I think it is possible.
What do you think I should do? Should I go for it?

Fulgrim

Damnit, I killed the thread.

yes. yes you did.


how are we supposed to answer that MINDRAPING question?

Dear Emporer,

For the last 10,000 years, I have had a successful job in pillaging millions to satisfy my superiors. My working relationship with fellow employees has been good throughout, despite a few little niggles with my many-breasted apprentices.
However, recently I have become increasingly attracted to my boss. She is beautiful, intelligent and funny, and I believe that as her only understudy she may feel the same way about me.
Unfortunately, I fear she may simply use me as a sexual tool. While it may seem odd, a woman using a man as an object, she is very powerful-she has been hunting down and devouring entire race of aliens for the past 10 millenia. I do not want to be picked up and thrown away like a used toy; I wish to have a loving relationship with her. As the God of love and beauty, I think it is possible.
What do you think I should do? Should I go for it?

Fulgrim
__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Fulgrim
I don't see why you are asking me I'm not an agony aunt, oh wait thats it you are my idiotic son. Well son..... if you truely want my advice I think you should come to my place and talk it over a nice cup of tea or coffee. remeber to pick up your visiting visa which you can get on Titan.
Failing that at least re-name your b******ized legion something else as many guardsmen get confused when they are told they are being attacked byt the Emperor's Children. I mean thanks to that supid Leciteo Divinatus they all think I'm sort of Godly psuedo father. And I hear that before your brothers last visited Terra you destroyed a beautiful statue of me.
Looking forward to our chat.
Your daddy
The big E
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear the Emporer

Recently I came across some records ion a dusty archeotech in my local hive. They dated back 10,000 years and I must confess I didn't hand them over to my local arbites who for reasons unknown had recently burned down half of the local libary. In these records it talks of the legendary primarchs, but lo there is questions these records refer to. They record 18 yes 18 primarchs and every good imperial citizen knows that they were just 9. It also refrences 9 planets which don't exist. I have friends in the noble houses of this hive and as a result I got a good search of the most complete star maps of the imperium yet I can't find any mention of them. The records also refrence mutiple space marine chapters which using my connections again i found no metion. These chapters are: The Luna Wolves, Dusk Raiders, Thousand Sons, Night Lords, Emperor's Children, Alpha Legion Iron Warriors, World Eaters and Word Bearers. They also refer to these chapters as 'Legions'. Please can you help me understand.
Yours most sincerly and reverntly
A very confused citizen
Hive 3812 Metallica

Hlaine Larkin mk2 wrote:
Dear the Emporer

Recently I came across some records ion a dusty archeotech in my local hive. They dated back 10,000 years and I must confess I didn't hand them over to my local arbites who for reasons unknown had recently burned down half of the local libary. In these records it talks of the legendary primarchs, but lo there is questions these records refer to. They record 18 yes 18 primarchs and every good imperial citizen knows that they were just 9. It also refrences 9 planets which don't exist. I have friends in the noble houses of this hive and as a result I got a good search of the most complete star maps of the imperium yet I can't find any mention of them. The records also refrence mutiple space marine chapters which using my connections again i found no metion. These chapters are: The Luna Wolves, Dusk Raiders, Thousand Sons, Night Lords, Emperor's Children, Alpha Legion Iron Warriors, World Eaters and Word Bearers. They also refer to these chapters as 'Legions'. Please can you help me understand.
Yours most sincerly and reverntly
A very confused citizen
Hive 3812 Metallica

Dusk Raiders? Dusk Raiders who the @#$% are the Dusk Raiders.

Hold on, let me check the World's Wide Webway porthole I keep behind my throne.

Huh.

So the Death Guard wasn't the original name, weird. I mean Death Guard is kind of generic but at least it's better than Dust Raiders, I mean seriously what was I thinking? Must have been the same day I named Angron and Alpharius.

Anyway, Citizen what you have there is an ultra rare collector's item that you should put up on ebay ASAP.

And be sure to also post your full name and home address so the Inqui- I mean customers can contact you with questions.

Your pal
The Emporer

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear the Space Emporer

I'm just a guy, just a regular old IG Joe y'know. But I notice things and some things they just ain't adding up.

So like about a year ago we were fighting some Ultramarines, why were fighting Ultramarines I dunno, ask the Lord Militant.

So we were fighting them and there was this one guy in blue and gold armor with a big banner and all that, really distinticive kind of guy, can't miss him. So it was pretty funny when the Demolisher got a shot off and all that was left of him was two smoking boots.

Then like about a six months ago we're fighting the Ultras again, and I swear I'm seeing the same rhinos we blew up, the same guys we plasma'ed down and even the same gold guy with his dumb banner hanging off his back! This time I know he died because a frigging melta shot zorched his head.

WELL, this week, I bet you can guess what happened? Same damn tanks, same damn squads, same damn guy! And I saw the Commissar rip out both his hearts this time with his powerfist! But y'know what, I bet the next time we fight the Ultras, I bet that guy will show up again.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg! I've seen our Commissar Lord eaten by a carnifex, stepped on by a wraithlord and burnt to ash by a Redeemer. But every week he shows up and leads us. And I've seen his face plenty of times, it's the SAME GUY.

And Alpha Squad, they've been shot, stabbed, blown up, run down and blasted apart a dozen times, but somehow I always see the SAME GUYS in it.

And frankly I know I've been hacked up by chain axes, shot down with shuriken catapults, and gone down in a burning Valkyrie more than once. But when I try to talk to the guys about it they all change the subject.

So I gotta ask, am I just nuts here or is something going on? I mean when you die you die, you don't just go into some cosmic carrying case to be trotted out the next time there's a battle right?

RIGHT?

Yours

IG Joe

Dear IG Joe:

To begin with, all Ultramarines look the same. Even to each other. The leader wears that banner so everyone can tell him apart.

Also, I hate to break it to you, but you and your Commissar are both infected with the Zombie Plague.

I'll have to have a word with Calgar about aiming for the head...

Signed, the Space Emperor







Dear Space Emperor

I am a member of a Devestator Squad. Last week, after my Plasma Cannon was destroyed in battle, I was asked what kind of replacement I wanted. I wrote down 'Multilaser' on the requisition form, but never got it. Instead, everywhere I go now people boo and hiss and throw rotten fruit at me. Why is this?

Sincerely Multilaser Marine

Dear MultiLaser

You should be ashamed of yourself! Losing a weapon in battle is horrible! You should be codemned to a life of fruit throwing and booing. I mean, c'mon the gods GLUE THOSE THINGS TO YOUR HANDS! LIKE WHAT THE HELL? Whatever, Just be glad if you ever get to fight again. Back in the day we had real men,not n00bz that lost their PLASMA CANNONS.Do you know har HARD it is just to make one?

Look at that, my anger just killed a psyker somewhere. Now his brains are scattered like a carnifexes fecel matter on his allies.

Sincerly
The Emporer of All Humanity that controls your every move and mind
------
Dear Human Emporer

Why don't you obliterate the tau?They only hold a few worlds, a well placed series off attacks could cripple them.
Espiacily on these planets
M'kala
The'ake
And Jus're

All of which are supply planets.

Sincerely
Prince Yriel

Dear Prince Yriel,
Send me 9001 Virgins every day for the next year and I'll consider it.
From The Emperor

Dear The Emperor,
My squad is starving, there is nothing to eat and hunt around here. Can you drop an emergency supply of Mcdonalds for us?
From
Blood Claw, Rockerbikie.

Dear The Emperor,
My squad is starving, there is nothing to eat and hunt around here. Can you drop an emergency supply of Mcdonalds for us?
From
Blood Claw, Rockerbikie.
____

HERESY!

did you not learn from the books about ancient Terra I wrote? 'the many sins of Ronald Mc donald'? Besides, the food is bad for you, I mean, how many KG of fat goes into that crap anyways?

eat your Space Marine issue socks instead. they are batter for your health in any case

___________________________________

dear Emperor.


I recently failed at something for the 13th time. I wont tell you what, but it did NOT involve the deaths of billions.how can I get better at it? specifically how can I get better at 'Kill for the living, Kill for the dead?'...ohcrap.

lets just forget that last line, I would like however to know HOW I can fail I MEAN I HAVE FRIGGEN GODS ON MY SIDE!!!!! legions of daemons, and warriors of unsurpassed strength (though Scaveola, I am not sure about, I dont quite understand all that 'Scaveola is now unkillable because it's fun to make him hunt his best friend's gene-seed inheritor over and over again' thing)

anyways. how can I not fail?

NotAbbadonTheDespoiler

dear Emperor.


I recently failed at something for the 13th time. I wont tell you what, but it did NOT involve the deaths of billions.how can I get better at it? specifically how can I get better at 'Kill for the living, Kill for the dead?'...ohcrap.

lets just forget that last line, I would like however to know HOW I can fail I MEAN I HAVE FRIGGEN GODS ON MY SIDE!!!!! legions of daemons, and warriors of unsurpassed strength (though Scaveola, I am not sure about, I dont quite understand all that 'Scaveola is now unkillable because it's fun to make him hunt his best friend's gene-seed inheritor over and over again' thing)

anyways. how can I not fail?

NotAbbadonTheDespoiler

___________________________________

Dear Abbadon,

You pray to me and get me to do it for you.

From The Emperor

___________________________________

Dear Emperor,

Marneus Calgar was making fun of my squad so I hit him with my Lightning Claws multiple claws and knocked him into a coma. Can I have forgiveness please? We can talk about it over a flagon of mead.
From Blood Claw, Rockerbikie.

Dear Emperor,

Marneus Calgar was making fun of my squad so I hit him with my Lightning Claws multiple claws and knocked him into a coma. Can I have forgiveness please? We can talk about it over a flagon of mead.
From Blood Claw, Rockerbikie.

__________

no, you shall not have forgiveness, you shall have a medal. I SWEAR that guy was getting on my nerves! with his hair! bah! everyone knows space marines have no hair! (barring space wolves but I think that's a mutation)

____________________

dear the emperor

I have been using the 5ed codex. as my game store believes the others to be full of cheese. but the first rule in the codex is: 'whenever firing a lascannon, you must say "freem" and give Kren and Frep a nickel. each.'

I run a deathwing army.

needless to say I am out of nickels.

is this rule even TRUE?!?!?!?

dear the emperor

I have been using the 5ed codex. as my game store believes the others to be full of cheese. but the first rule in the codex is: 'whenever firing a lascannon, you must say "freem" and give Kren and Frep a nickel. each.'

I run a deathwing army.

needless to say I am out of nickels.

is this rule even TRUE?!?!?!?

What you have hear, anonymous servant, is a challenge. This rule is doubtlessly true and as such Kren and Frep should be quite rich; therefore, you should stop using lascannons and deny them their money.
Alternatively, you could join my own Imperial Guard. We offer you a lifetime supply of nickels, and the only thing you have to do is abandon everything you've ever known and fight endlessly until you inevitably die a horrible, gruesome death.

Teh Sphess Emprah

---------------------------------

Dear Good Sir,

I have, as a greenskin, encountered my fair share of hostilities over the course of my life. This is inevitable.
However, the amount of outright racism I have recieved from members of your own Imperial Guard is staggering. They lump me in with the minority of Orks who are, in fact, violent and unintelligent. Needless to say, this is a ridiculous stereotype.
The vast majority of my Orkoid race are capable of reading and writing to a high standard and control ourselves in public; I myself run a finishing school on an asteroid above Armageddon. Likewise, the outcasts of our species who are brutal alcoholics do not represent the majority.

Therefore, I believe that the education among Imperial worlds should be raised to the standard of Ork education. Children should be tought not to judge races as a whole, but as individuals. The loudmouthed few do not represent us as a species and this must be told to the children of the Imperium if such hatred is to be stamped out. It is imperative that the future of our two races should not be one of cooperation and peace if we are both to prosper. In our current state, the tension between us would rise to the point of rioting and racial war. Racism can not and will not ever lead to happiness.
To quote a great man of Terra's early days, I dream of a future where we will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of our character.
Sincerely,

Groygurtz Zogbrain
Headmaster, Zogbrain's WAAAAGH! of Formal Education