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Made in us
Regular Dakkanaut





Dear Die-a-ree,
Date... Um not really sure what century it is. So we'll go with Day 1

not sure if this is how this works, but a few days ago I was sacking this imperial city, you know, the usual, maiming, burning, killing, in whatever order that happens to play out. So I find myself in the governors office, and his daughter... I think it was a girl, it's been a long time, was clutching a book. Thinking it was something of great value I took it, turns out it was something called a die-a-ree. It seems to be some sort of prayer book, perhaps a way to let the gods know how you feel in the hopes the clear ones heart.

So I though I would give it a try, truth is, all this rebelling is getting kind of old. Sure the first few hundred years were really thrilling, I was all like "yeah screw the Emperor" I mean, he totally buggered out on us and Horus was really cool and all. Like a lot of my brothers, this whole 'Chaos thing' was new and cool, all sorts of freedoms that the Emperor never let us do. New and exciting powers, and places to explore, but after a while... I don't know, it's getting kinda old.

So, for the past few thousand years, at least that what some dirty loyalist filth said it's been, me and my crew have been trying to earn favors to get the gods to bless us. Then, awhile back Bob (a buddy of mine from the Crusade) finally get's a 'blessing'... His arm mutated into a tentacle. WTF??? Seriously, how is this cool? The spikes, the horns, all the pointy arrows, those are cool and all, I mean you can mount heads on them and stuff, but a friggen tentacle? How doe this help? You can't really hold a bolter with it, certainly limits what you can do in combat, his armor no longer fits right, he's been having a hard time adjusting. I mean, it's great for squeezing things I guess, but what's he going to do, give a wicked noogie? Ten thousand years of busting our asses for these gods, and he get's a friggen tentacle arm? We had always talked about sacking a system, settling down with a nice harem of a few dozen slave girls, and starting a family of little chaos bastards. But a tentacle? How's that going to impress the chicks? I mean, what's a hoe gonna say "my what an impressive sucker you have on that thing"? It just seems really impractical and is kinda a douche move on behalf of whatever god it was.

So this has me wondering now, was this all really worth it? I mean, sure I've got to be around for 10,000 years or whatever, and I've seen a bunch of cool stuff, but is this it? I've heard rumors of marines being turned into Spawn, but I just figured those were just rumors. I mean, you see your battle brother burst into a giant twisted freak, and your still stick around? Bunk that noise. I know the Death Guard and the Thousand Sons kind of got a raw deal, but Bob getting a tentacle really kind of hits home, you know?

Oh well, tomorrow we're supposed to be sacking some Eldar outpost, those chicks are PHAT, if you know what I'm saying. I'm hoping to snag me a Howling Banshee, I hear they are screamers. Perhaps that will brighten my mood.
   
Made in au
Regular Dakkanaut





Ravingbantha wrote:
Dear Die-a-ree,
Date... Um not really sure what century it is. So we'll go with Day 1

not sure if this is how this works, but a few days ago I was sacking this imperial city, you know, the usual, maiming, burning, killing, in whatever order that happens to play out. So I find myself in the governors office, and his daughter... I think it was a girl, it's been a long time, was clutching a book. Thinking it was something of great value I took it, turns out it was something called a die-a-ree. It seems to be some sort of prayer book, perhaps a way to let the gods know how you feel in the hopes the clear ones heart.

So I though I would give it a try, truth is, all this rebelling is getting kind of old. Sure the first few hundred years were really thrilling, I was all like "yeah screw the Emperor" I mean, he totally buggered out on us and Horus was really cool and all. Like a lot of my brothers, this whole 'Chaos thing' was new and cool, all sorts of freedoms that the Emperor never let us do. New and exciting powers, and places to explore, but after a while... I don't know, it's getting kinda old.

So, for the past few thousand years, at least that what some dirty loyalist filth said it's been, me and my crew have been trying to earn favors to get the gods to bless us. Then, awhile back Bob (a buddy of mine from the Crusade) finally get's a 'blessing'... His arm mutated into a tentacle. WTF??? Seriously, how is this cool? The spikes, the horns, all the pointy arrows, those are cool and all, I mean you can mount heads on them and stuff, but a friggen tentacle? How doe this help? You can't really hold a bolter with it, certainly limits what you can do in combat, his armor no longer fits right, he's been having a hard time adjusting. I mean, it's great for squeezing things I guess, but what's he going to do, give a wicked noogie? Ten thousand years of busting our asses for these gods, and he get's a friggen tentacle arm? We had always talked about sacking a system, settling down with a nice harem of a few dozen slave girls, and starting a family of little chaos bastards. But a tentacle? How's that going to impress the chicks? I mean, what's a hoe gonna say "my what an impressive sucker you have on that thing"? It just seems really impractical and is kinda a douche move on behalf of whatever god it was.

So this has me wondering now, was this all really worth it? I mean, sure I've got to be around for 10,000 years or whatever, and I've seen a bunch of cool stuff, but is this it? I've heard rumors of marines being turned into Spawn, but I just figured those were just rumors. I mean, you see your battle brother burst into a giant twisted freak, and your still stick around? Bunk that noise. I know the Death Guard and the Thousand Sons kind of got a raw deal, but Bob getting a tentacle really kind of hits home, you know?

Oh well, tomorrow we're supposed to be sacking some Eldar outpost, those chicks are PHAT, if you know what I'm saying. I'm hoping to snag me a Howling Banshee, I hear they are screamers. Perhaps that will brighten my mood.


I don't know whether to laugh or cry reading this but what do you expect from a being who evolved from pond life?

We face the prospect of our souls being fashioned into a string on Slaanesh's 'erotic pain harp' (or such similar delights) for all eternity and you're on here crying because your dip sh** friend Bob grew a tentacle while you LARPd across the galaxy pretending to be evil bad asses? What exactly did you think was going to happen? You Mon Keigh don't even know you were born.

I remember when it was all fun and games before The Fall. The pleasure cults had already taken hold by that point so unfortunately I don't remember what our Empire was like at its peak but they were still good times. My buddies and I would cruise around town, throw random strangers into the trunk and then fashion them into talking lampshades. There was this crazy old fart called Eldrad who used to hang around the town square harassing people, telling them the end was near. No one paid him much heed and my buddies and I would usually thrown him into the gutter and give him a good kicking.

Then one day as I was walking to the torture chambers, Eldrad was standing at the side of the road and he grabbed me by the shoulder. He said it was time to leave and that he and a few others would be leaving on a massive spaceship later that evening in order to escape an incoming cataclysm. I was sad as part of me had grown fond of the demented fool particularly given that he took his beatings in such good humour. A few hours later I received a text from my best buddy Shildanaaresthanadordanesheth to tell me that he was heading over to my place before we went crusing for some victim that evening. He had been getting into some stuff that even I found a little weird but nothing could prepare me for the moment I greeted him at the door. He had gone to this old pervert who performs extreme body modifications. His entire head had been fashioned into a gaping maw and ten pairs of breasts had been grafted onto his chest. I lept through the door screaming in abject terror. I made it to the space port just in time to leap on to the last ship before it left.

Despite my misspent youth, the dour Craftworlders were accepting of me. Sadly I lacked much in the way of useful skills as sadism was frowned upon in my new home. However, luck smiled on me again when one of the janitors was killed in a freak jetbiking accident which created an opening for me to fill. You may laugh at the prospect of me spending ten thousand years on a janitor on a ship floating aimlessly through space but once again you would be displaying your Mon Keigh ignorance. We Eldar take restroom maintenance very seriously and the Path of the Janitor is comprised of 50,000 volumes of ancient lore. Unfortunately my curiosity got the better of me as you're supposed to stop at around 20,000 volumes but I simply could resist the study of the art of 'stool signing'. Now I am forever stuck on this path and the cleanliness of every bowl in the known galaxy has become my ultimate obsession.
   
Made in us
Regular Dakkanaut





Dear Die-a-ree,
Date... Well, it's been awhile, so sue me, I forgot. So we're going with entry two I guess.

Okay, so the Attack on the Eldar outpost didn't go as planned. Apparently there was something with the Warp, and we flew back in time or some such nonsense. Because when we got there, the Outpost was still being built, but it's supposedly been there for hundreds of years or some mess. So all we got to fight was a bunch of pansy Bonesingers, or some smack. Captured me a couple, but their all dudes, so that's no fun... maybe I can trade them to some of the Emperor's Children, I hear there into all sorts of weird stuff.

So on the return trip home, our Sorcerer get's some bright idea to sling shot us around a star before entering the warp, this is supposed to bring us back to our 'current time'. Well as goofy as it sounds, they claimed it worked. I'm not fully convinced, things have gotten a little odd since we got back. The Eldar are now going by some weird new name, claiming that's been their name the entire time, their dark cousins got some even weirder name, Eldrad is still around... that's some bogus crap there, I remember when that tool 'touched the wrong thing' and got himself killed. Man we laughed about that for weeks.

Oh, get this, apparently Abbadon's 13th Black crusade didn't happen several years ago, I guess that explains Eldrad still being around. Apparently he's just getting started on his 13th Black Crusade, that's cool though, 2nd times a charm. But of course, he's 'the warmaster' so he's not going to listen to anyone try to give him some advise on what not to do this time. I'm all like, hey guy, I was there the first time, you totally blew it. But then he would probably just kill me or some crap, so screw that guy, me and my boys know where all the cool spots will be.

Oh, forgot to mention, Gurgag (the plasma gunner in our squad), yeah he got his 'reward' for being a bad ass. His head is now a giant hole with teeth all around it. Come on, really? How does that help anyone? Seriously. He can't talk anymore, he just kinda gurgles and drools, which is a real drag, cause he was funny. Not even sure how he sees, did I mention his head is just a giant mouth with lots of teeth? So, that's just great, looks like someone else has to carry that Plasma gun, their not even really that safe. You know, I'm really starting to feel like this whole 'Chaos Boon' thing is a bunk. We gotta find some big bad dude out there, kill them on one on one combat, and we get a Daemonetts butthole for a face? That's just stupid.

Well we're off to raid an Imperial Prison planet... that should be fun. There'll be some killin, and burnin, and maiming, always a good time. You know most guys like to kill first, then maim, and lastly burn, but where's the fun in that? Personally I like to start off with some burning, that really get's things going. Nothing draws the attention of the Astartes like lighting a shrine on fire. Then you can do some maiming while your killin, it's like... a little maiming here, kill, kill, kill, maybe a little more maiming. But if everything is already dead, then there's no real fun after that.
   
Made in ie
Norn Queen






Dublin, Ireland

Probably best to put this int he dakka fiction section?

Dman137 wrote:
goobs is all you guys will ever be

By 1-irt: Still as long as Hissy keeps showing up this is one of the most entertaining threads ever.

"Feelin' goods, good enough". 
   
 
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