Article Discussion: The Return of Marneus Calgar

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**Anonymous**

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**NoPoet**

Please note that parts 2 and 3 are up and I'm about to post part four now!

Automatically Appended Next Post:
Part four is up!

Masters of the Wardiverse wrote:The strange metallic probe Dick and Nerdingham had wondered over earlier was back. It protruded from the ground, poised like a snake before a rat.

“We should attempt communion with it,” said Nerdingham.

“Blasphemer!” hissed Derrick.

“What are you going to do?” snorted Calgar. “Say 'ba weep gra na weep ninny-bon' and give it some energon?”

“Whatever you do,” said Dick, “for the Emperor's sake don't say anything rude!”

The Techmarine dropped the assault ramp and the Ultras marched out, guns ready. Unfortunately Nerdingham didn't say anything rude; he said something dumb.

“Greetings from the Omnissiah. Are you an archaeotech?”

The tentacle-like thing withdrew into the earth.

“I'm not sure what it's more scared of,” said Calgar, “your stupidity or your breath.”

“My Lord, I was able to scan it. RESULTS INDICATE THAT IT'S SMALLER THAN MY MANHOOD! Ahem, I mean to say, the probe is constructed from maximantium, the hardest metal used by humans before adamantium was developed. Only the oldest and most closely-guarded Imperial technology uses it... including STC units. There may be such a unit hidden beneath the planet's surface. We must find it!”

“We'll leave that for next year's Barmy Army story,” said Calgar. “Come on, you've no doubt got dozens of my presents still to wrap.”

Whatever else it might have been, the probe wasn't scared. Metallic creatures began to pull themselves from beneath the ground until they surrounded the Land Raider. They looked a bit like boxy Necrons, except they lacked faces – they were heavily armoured, studded with sensors and their arms ended in buzzsaw blades, machetes and weird tube-like guns. Several of them had long probes protruding from their heads. It was one of these that had been watching the Ultramarines.

“What are they?” Calgar asked.

“STEEL DILDOS! Er – I don't know,” said Nerdingham.

Calgar looked at Milo, distracted by the Tanith ninny's erratic breathing. The young pipe-player was gripping his chest, in the middle of a panic attack.

“I know them!” he said, looking terrified. “We fought them at the start of the Sabbat Worlds crusade. They're Iron Men!”

**NoPoet**

The final part is up -- Abaddon finally attacks Macragge as Tzeentch's plot continues to unravel!

Merry Christmas everybody!

Beginning of story: https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/745725.page

Final part: https://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/745725.page#9729784