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How do?

Sorry if this brings people down, or raises unpleasant memories.

But I’m at a new crossroads in life.

Basically, Mumsie Grotsnik is dying. And there’s not a damned thing anyone can do it. For the Gorey details, I’ll use a spoiler tag.



What the actual feth do I do?

If it was a person, or anything within my control. I’d beat the living snot out it, and not stop until my anger was worked out.

Yet speaking of anger! What is there to actually be angry about! What’s the focus for my righteous wrath? If Mum had been stabbed, shot, poisoned, run over, duffed up or what have you? That gives me someone to target. Someone to beat the sheer injustice out of. But I don’t even have that luxury.

My Mum is dying. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’ve never felt so utterly powerless.

Do what you can for her, your dad and the family. Remember the good times with her, not how she is now. This is important for later.

Life often sucks hard, real painful hard, and this is one of those times.

What Frazzled said is essentially true, do what you can, remember how things were, not how they are now.

When my grandfather passed I had been expecting it for a couple of years. He'd had a series of strokess and a heart-attack that left him unable to recall who I was, even who my dad was. We saw him once like that, and then I never went back. I decided I didnt need to see more of him like that.

My grandmother passed last night, again something that was more or less expected when I found out she was in the hospital, and I accepted what was coming.

In my experience its easier to see someone go quickly, than watch them go over a period of time.

Comfort her, best you can. And remember the good times.

Also accept that there is nothing you can do about it. Might sound callous, but its the truth, and you'll be better off for understanding that.

Trouble is...

Turns out Mum and Dad knew the score for several years. Which is fine. Hope and that.

But in that time, I’ve identified my older brother as an abuser. Not sexual. But mental and psychological.

And I unloaded that absolute gak show on my parents perhaps 9 months ago?

So now, I carry tremendous guilt. I’ve upset Mum with something she can’t fix. But if she’d just listened all those years ago, could’ve nipped in the bud.

Pretty sure I need therapy, which thankfully work provides.

Just.......anger.

Don't blame yourself for that either. Things like that happen, in the end thats not something she will be thinking about. She'll just be happy to be with people that love her.

For yourself the therapy will help, and take it if you need it.

I'm dealing with much the same currently (advanced MS and complications thereof in place of cancer), but it's been a long and very slow affair over many years.

I'm not sure I have any particularly good advice other than be around and offer what you can, that seems about all I've been able to do. It's...not an easy trip.

Everyone will need therapy at some point, whether they want to admit it or not. If you feel you need it, get it. It's definitely on my to-do list here soon.

Damn.

People make the best decisions they can with the information and understanding that they have. I wouldn’t worry about what’s past in regards to the present.

I might suggest an attempt at forgiveness. Holding resentment towards your parent/s for any number of things (abuse, withholding information, normal family stuff) May eat at you over time. I can’t think of a time someone expressed regret over forgiving someone. I think it’s more meaningful in the living years, as the song goes.

With good intentions, I would acknowledge the powerlessness and absurdity of death, but it may unintentionally come across as cruel or cold. Instead, I’ll offer that life is what you choose to be and do. Your decision to see and be with your Mother and share love and comfort with her is your decision, and good on you for that.

I hope your visit satisfies you and your family members of your desires to be there for each other.

Especially if you didn't know, you can't accept any responsibility for telling your parents about an abusive brother- that's information they needed to know.

I haven't lost a parent yet, but I have lost quite a few grandparents in the past few years. It's never easy, and you're always left in the moment thinking there's more you could have done, especially when it's an illness (bacteria resistant staph, and bowel cancer for the 2 of my most recent losses)


Bring some music your mom loves, or read to her from her favorite book. Talk about the great times you had together, the things you remember her giving you and doing for her. The moments you shared that changed your life. Make her laugh if you can, cry if you can't, and just enjoy the time you've got, trite as that sounds.

When my grandparents died I was too young to really think about it that much. Even at 15-17 like i was, death just didnt click with me.
My dad on the other hand, Well, the way I handled was bad.
When I found out my dad was dying I kinda became an ass. I pretty much started blaming family members for things and stuff. Not being told he was dying for a few weeks when everyone else knew made me mad. I kinda burned bridges that have never been repaired. I accused my sister of stealing Oxy and money from him. When my brother said he was giving all his money(Life Insurance) to my sister and he looked at me and said "Sorry" I got pissed. When my dad wanted to pay for my school books one last time before he died and my aunt said no I blew up.
To this day because of the way I handled his death, some family members still refuse to talk to me. Cant say I blame them.
TLDR: They say there is no wrong way to grieve or mourn, but there is.

Everyone dies, at some point; as far as we know anyway. I’d suggest you spend the most of it with the time that is left, share some memories to cherish. In her eyes, she would be sad if you had passed before her, so it’s nature’s order that she goes before you do, just as you do before your child.

My parents are still around, but I know that day is coming. I have dealt with friends dying unexpectedly. In your situation, you know it’s coming. You can try to prepare for it as best you can, cherish some shared memories when she’s gone to keep her alive in your heart.

Not sure how well this'll roll off, but my suggestion is be grateful you have some warning, and take that time to "bucket list" some stuff with your Mom.


My coworker and friend had his spine fused, seemed to be recovering but in pain for a couple weeks, then dropped like a rock one night. Less than a month later my Dad was making his way to the kitchen to refill his tea mug and collapsed with no warning. I'd have loved to know that I'd never get a Conan Marathon night with Randy or a chance to have my Dad actually see his newest grandson.

Mad Doc Grotsnik, you and your family have my sympathies. When I was younger my mother died of a similar type of cancer that became terminal. I will spoiler it in case you don't want to read the longer version and more painful of it.



It might be different because you seem to have learned it not too long before your mom might pass away. You might have already mentally prepared yourself before she finally does, it will still be sad when it happens but you might also feel a sense of relief as you see her in her final few weeks.

I'm sure you already have, but think about the practical matters before its too late, your mom's ideas and what she wants. Not knowing when she can't decide properly is all the harder.

Therapy is great, you tend to put up a brave face to the family not to add to their emotionl burden, so having someone that is outside that group to unload on is very helpful. You should talk to your mom about everything you can think of or you might later feel bad for. I have some regrets but that is just life. Don't feel bad about what you said before you knew, I think its important that they still know (didn't they have some idea?). And you can still apologies for the thing you think you shouldn't have shared but when she is gone you will carry the what if thoughts around for a lifetime.

My sister is that abusive person and my parents always thought it was due to circumstances and gave her a pass with therapy (I always insisted she was just like that). Now they are both gone and my sister engaged in revisionism about them/their relationship between them and to her to the people my parents knew. While your brother might not be the same type of abusive its important that your parents are aware and might gently notify the people they know. I have seen the damage that someone can do by twisting the emotional knife just for their own amusement/benefit to those that are left (my dad died without warning, people were still shell shocked and my sister made multiple people cry at his remembrance(?) with stories that were just completely fabricated to get her sympathy about how 'horrible' he was).

Sorry for the rambling mess, its hard to put these things into words.

In a similar but less traumatic boat here, my father in law is dying. We are traveling every other weekend to be with him, and it takes its toll. He is 88, so not much to be done, but it is horrible to see him suffer and slowly lose his autonomy and dignity.

I have been focusing on supporting my wife and her mother, and I think that is the best any of us can do.

As to your guilt, try and move past it. It doesn't help anything, in the end, and will just make you feel worse.

 Just Tony wrote:
Not sure how well this'll roll off, but my suggestion is be grateful you have some warning, and take that time to "bucket list" some stuff with your Mom.

Just taking this bit having seen both ways with my parents. Its a bit of a double edged sword, on the one hand you can prepare for it and spend a lot of quality time with them but on the other you will see them suffer horribly before the end and you will always remember that. Personally and trying to look at it from their perspective I can't honestly say which is 'better'. Not saying anything about your comments, just adding my thoughts.

I'm very sorry to read about this, it's never an easy thing to go through.

However this isn't really the place to have this sort of discussion.

Hope things work out as well as they can.