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I play 40k and for the most part like the background (although I liked it better in the rogue trader style) but...
Sometimes I just get tired of every story including something like "and BILLIONS!!!! DIED!!!!" or "after she was tortured to death" or "and the universe was ripped apart!"

So, sarcasm and humor intended. Let's share our headlines that will NOT show up in the 40k universe.
I'll start;
An Ork whhhaaagg descended on a human world and...the best most brilliant warriors in the universe had for once been warned by their telepathic people, and destroyed the orks in space before they arrived.

An inquisitor reached a planet long out of touch with the Imperium, and found he didn't need to kill millions to make an example.

Somewhere, deep within an industrial city on an unknown Imperial planet...a Housewife smiled and baked an apple pie for her family.

In another industrial city on an unknown planet a minor clerk managed to fill out pay sheets without needing a skull floating about, a gun to his head, or siphoning off money to a cult, church, gang, or corrupt bureaucrat. (okay, this one is SUPER reaching, even in our world).

Peace declared! Turns out Horus had some reasonable grievances after all.

Common Sense Prevails: Imperium, Craftworlds and Tau Sign Formal Alliance Against Tyranids and Necrons
Priesthood of Mars to Relax Strictures Against Technological Innovation
Panacea STC Recovered by Commorragh Escapee
Survey: Overwhelming Majority of Imperial Citizens Express Cynicism Towards "Imperial Thoughts of the Day"

 Crazyterran wrote:
Peace declared! Turns out Horus had some reasonable grievances after all.

Have an exalt. The phrase "reasonable grievances" is so understated.

High Lords of Terra decree religious tolerance bill. Followers of The greater good and the "Differant but entirely acceptable Powers" (previously refered to as the ruinius powers) are now to be accepted!

Have a look at Regimental standard for some ideas.

To be fair, there are a few examples.

"Blatantly obvious massed drop by hive fleet seen coming by Brimlock colonel. 2nd 'Sky Wardens' fielded en masse achieving 99,999-1 kill ratio."

"Imperial Diplomatic Corps signs sensible cease fire with minor xenos species so we can concentrate on ENORMOUS BLOODY HIVE FLEET."

"Ministorum pull off cultural appropriation of dominant indigenous religion meaning largely bloodless compliance action. Ecclesiarch described as 'smug."

Heretic Astartes realise they've been on the wrong side for the past ten thousand years and declare complete surrender to the Imperium of Man.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Orks land on Fenris and have a cup of tea and a nice chat with some Space Wolves. Turns out they have a lot in common.

The Emperor requires 1,000 Pizzas a day not Psykers. The Administratum refuse to comment, however the black ships are now renamed Famous Rays.

Update. Galaxy now burning over the New York/Chicago Schism.

Tyranids Go Vegan for No-Nom-November!

GorkaMorkaAggra - for when your little gitz can't get it up to fight.

New Tau Fishbar opens on mainstreet - food is to die for

locarno24 wrote:

"Ministorum pull off cultural appropriation of dominant indigenous religion meaning largely bloodless compliance action. Ecclesiarch described as 'smug."

Love it. Exalted

Emperor finally arrested on historic child neglect charges.

Are non GM Astartes better for the galaxy?

People finally listened to the prophetic Eldar and didn't break the creepy stone apart. Demonic invasion averted without loss of life.

Driving closer and hitting enemies with swords is NOT a valid tactic. An in depth report.

These are not in a headline format but I think are still relavent:

The Imperial Guard were able to win the war without needing Space Marines to aid them.

A new world has been brought under Imperial compliance and use words like "flashlight" and "computer." They have not been purged.

The Space Marines would have been overrun by their numerically superior enemy. Luckily, the Imperial Guard were able to do their job.

The Tau, being just another mortal species, were outsmarted by the Imperial commander. Their Shas'o was not an idiot but was also not omnipotent, and did not predict the enemy's next move before it could even happened. Her troops fought bravely and did not win effortlessly. Eventually, Shadowsun had to retreat because her enemy was not a moron and his troops werent under-trained scrubs.




Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Mr. Burning wrote:
Driving closer and hitting enemies with swords is NOT a valid tactic. An in depth report.

Author has been tried and has been found NOT guilty for heresy nor treason, and has been given minor compensation.

God-Emperor of Mankind ate my Hamster

(And all I got was a mention in this lousy Imperial Datasheet)

Rogue Trader arrives on planet in 'discrete' ceremony.

123ply wrote:
These are not in a headline format but I think are still relavent:

The Imperial Guard were able to win the war without needing Space Marines to aid them.



.

except this actually happens, on a regular basis

"The Space Marines made mistakes and were ignominiously defeated by the non-Marine, non-CSM, enemy."

"We were just little girls", a heartbreaking testemony from a former Sister of Battle in our ongoing investigation on child abuse in Scholam.

Space Marine Captain apologised to Imperial Guard commander for rude behavior.

The Emperor is running for his re-election at the head of the Imperium executive branch under the slogan: Keep the Imperium of Man just has it is.

Eldrad criticised for his usage of the M word.

...in the grim dark future there is only disco. There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of boogieing, and the laughter of dancing gods.

"Adeptus Custodes admits they're pretty sure the emperor is dead!"

The Vengeful Spirit spotted cruising casually towards Terra.

"Iron Warrior wins Standup comedy festival"

"Revolution avoided, IoM Replaces corrupt cleptocratic governor, achieves stop in rioting!"

A Catachan Devil ate my husband - and then I married it!

Could you be a lost primarch? Take our quiz and find out!

Are you tired of FALLEN bothering YOU? Read our handy guide for 10 helpful tips to remember while purging those HERETICS!
ONLY 99p THIS SATURDAY!!!

"Popular table-top game Battelmace 42 million achieves perfect balance! All models viable, no models OP!!!"

-

Penal conscripts pardoned and released "They have more than paid their debt to society for tax evasion." - Commissar Hst

Dark Angels deployed alongside Executioners Chapter.

Tale of the Mantis Warriors' and Executioners' post-Badab War confession and penitent crusade followed by public forgiveness by the Inquisition and High Lords.

Dark Angels Supreme Grand Master quoted as saying "Bugger! That was an option?"

In a previous article we intimated that The Emperor needed to consume 1000 Pizzas per day. This is entirely incorrect.

The Emperor needs to consume 1000 'Pie Crusts' per day.

Chaos Causes Cancer........