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Made in us
Regular Dakkanaut





Mckinleyville, CA

I know this is a gaming forum website but I figured I'd post my parenting woes in case others can relate. During this pandemic I have found circumstances to be harder to cope with. For instance, both my children are of age that they could be in the public school system which would be free but due to covid they are spending their weekdays at daycare. This alone is costing their mother & I lots of money.
Along with the fact that her & I have not been together for some time & we pay our separate rents/bills/food, my children are having to be home schooled which adds to the difficulty of raising two little ones amongst the ongoing stress of the pandemic & work in general as I get to spend less quality time with them on top of feeling trapped inside with them because of the lockdowns in place.
Due to having little in the way of socialization with friends outside of work, the only activities I participate in is weightlifting in my makeshift gym inside my small 1 bedroom apartment & modeling my miniatures. About a quarter to half my income goes to child support, therefore I forego having internet at home and rely on my phone data plan to watch content on YouTube or watching basic channels on my TV that I receive for free from rabbit ear antennae.
This has left me incredibly bored and somewhat depressed as of which I know many of you can relate. I long to someday be able to play 40k again as well as game on a PC but until I can afford internet again much less a new computer I am trying to be of sound mind & body all the while working full time & improving/coping with my limited parenting skills.
I try to make sure my kids want for nothing & give my children love but it's been a hard pill to swallow when reality sets in & that by the time my parents were my age, albeit separated like I am to the mother of my children, they both were raising me in much better conditions than I have provided for my children. My small apartment pales in comparison to the houses my parents had at my age & due to my anxiety disorder (and some depression) I am not always the best father to my kids.
I try not to feel like a failure & stay upbeat but I have no support system nearby as far as extended family goes so I feel like I'm in all this all alone but deep down I know I am far from being the only parent whom feels this plight. I only hope this rant lets others know that you are not alone from being denied some kind of katharsis during these troubling times and I hope in some way that if you feel lost & helpless as I have that my perseverance in staying positive will give you the strength & knowledge that if I can do this then you can too. May all of you be well and especially to all the fellow parents out there please don't give up and have faith that things will be ok.
   
Made in de
Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot






Hey Buddy,

I defenitly feel you. I can only say: hang in there, it will get better. And you are not alone too.
I don't think it really matters if you have a big house or a small flat, if you can buy your children everything or you can't, if you are physically at home all the time or have to work fulltime. In my experience (from the child as well as parent perspective) what is much more important is the attention you have for your kids, in the time you can spend together. If you are really "there" and show how interested you are in them, even half an hour at the kitchen table is (in my opinion) worth more than hours at the amusement park etc. I remember when I was I teenager my dad worked a lot and we did not have much time together all week and he was pretty introverted too. But every sunday we went jogging together for an hour. He might not have said much, but he listened intently, to all that was going on in my mind. Back than I really apreciated that.

And also be kind to yourself. You are doing your best in a difficult situation and I'm sure your kids apreciate that, even if they might not always show it. Try to not compare yourself to other families, they usually have their own struggles, one just tends to not see them and only compare oneself in the areas that don't work as planned currently.

One other thing, just to think it over: depending on how your lockdown regulations are, maybe there is a possibility to meet another family with kids (maybe some friends from school or something) outside or something. Not only is something like that always nice for the kids in time of isolation, I find it also very relaxing to talk to some other adults from time to time to unwind.

All the best,
Pyro

~5100 build and painted 
   
Made in de
Charging Orc Boar Boy





Germany

Maybe you can download some free old DOS games with your phone, transfer them to your PC, along with an emulator like dosbox, and play some oldschool games that don't cost a cent but can still be great.

If you like RPGs, I guess Ultima VII the Black Gate is a fine one. Just an idea to spend the time when you're all out of options
   
Made in gb
Thane of Dol Guldur





Bodt

The circumstances our governments have put us in with their responses to this virus are going to affect children worst of all, but it's not on you. All you can do is be the best parent you can. I take my daughter to the play park every weekend for a couple of hours as it's literally the only place we can go. The hundreds of other parents there with their kids shows that plenty of folks are in the same boat. If you have one nearby that you can visit it might be a way to change the scenery a little bit of nothing else.

Heresy World Eaters/Emperors Children

Instagram: nagrakali_love_songs 
   
Made in de
Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot






Yesterday we packed the kids and drove into the woods nearby (thankfully there are some in Berlin). Went a bit hiking, made a picknick, carved some wood with swiss knifes, had a little competition in pinecone-throwing... There were other families building tipis and tree houses. It was pretty fun and simple to do.

~5100 build and painted 
   
Made in de
!!Goffik Rocker!!






Nuremberg

Hang in there mate. You're not the only person who feels you've fallen down a step compared to the previous generation.

And you're obviously trying your best for your kids. I see a lot of kids and parents as a teacher, and nobody gets it perfectly right, but the ones that try always make a positive difference.

   
Made in us
Battlefield Tourist




MN

Never compare yourselves to your parents and what they were able to do. They had the deck stacked in their favor economically and politically, especially in the US.

In fact, try not to compare yourself to any of your peers either.

No matter how shiny it looks from the outside, they all have their own problems. They are only human, juts like you.

This advice is really easy to say, but really hard to do. Good luck and give yourself permission to be ok.

Do you like Free Wargames?
http://bloodandspectacles.blogspot.com/ 
   
Made in gb
Khorne Chosen Marine Riding a Juggernaut




Southampton, UK

Yeah, I absolutely feel for single parents in lockdown. Fingers crossed we are turning the corner now.
   
Made in us
5th God of Chaos! (Yea'rly!)




The Great State of Texas

 Pyroalchi wrote:
Yesterday we packed the kids and drove into the woods nearby


This story could have gone a different way very fast...
Sounds like fun. Moments like that are what kids (AND PARENTS) remember.

Life is difficult. If it helps, my evil stepkids are doing great now. The Boy is married, and married up, and is now annoying his undergrad students with his math rants. Genghis Connie is now interning with troubled elementary kids, and changes her hair and clothes weekly to different cartoon characters for them.

-"Wait a minute.....who is that Frazz is talking to in the gallery? Hmmm something is going on here.....Oh.... it seems there is some dispute over video taping of some sort......Frazz is really upset now..........wait a minute......whats he go there.......is it? Can it be?....Frazz has just unleashed his hidden weiner dog from his mini bag, while quoting shakespeares "Let slip the dogs the war!!" GG
-"Don't mind Frazzled. He's just Dakka's crazy old dude locked in the attic. He's harmless. Mostly."
-TBone the Magnificent 1999-2014, Long Live the King!
 
   
Made in gb
Last Remaining Whole C'Tan






 Easy E wrote:
Never compare yourselves to your parents and what they were able to do. They had the deck stacked in their favor economically and politically, especially in the US.

In fact, try not to compare yourself to any of your peers either.

No matter how shiny it looks from the outside, they all have their own problems. They are only human, juts like you.

This advice is really easy to say, but really hard to do. Good luck and give yourself permission to be ok.


This. I’m not a parent myself, but my Lass is.

Everyone is struggling in their own way - some just have a better veneer of normality.

That’s not a criticism, nor should it be construed as one. We all deal with life in our own inimitable way. If their veneer works for them, it works for them. Whilst parenting very much has wrong answers, it lacks specifically right answers.

Some parents don’t give a toss about their kids - that is the wrong approach. Others just sort of decided their kid is a prodigy, and strip away the fun bits of childhood in the name of “isn’t little Tarquinius ever so clever, write your homework in Latin, Tarquinius”. That’s also the wrong approach.

Some kids can be pushed further than others.

All you can do is your best. If your sprogs are fed, clothed and warm, you’re doing a solid job.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in de
Lone Wolf Sentinel Pilot






As I mentioned "attention" as being pretty important in my opinion:
I recently saw this again as my son has been pretty grumpy and moody the last weeks (understandable with lockdown going on), did not want to go out at all etc. I realized that it's been a while since we last spent time just the two of us. So I asked him if he feels like going for a walk, just both of us. Usually he refuses and would rather stay home, but usually "going for a walk" includes my wife and his sister and of course us parents talk a lot to each other. When I said we would go alone he immediatly put on his shoes and coat and we went for an hour. I just asked him about the game he currently plays, listened, asked questions. I have to admit I'm not that interested in the game itself, but it currently is pretty present on his mind and it was nice hearing what he likes about it. He also starts to open up about some other topics he rarely talks about and said himself, that he enjoyed our walk very much.

Yesterday he asked himself if I would go with him again, so we did. We also played some card games in between my homeoffice hours. Since then he is much more relaxed. It's a good example that sometimes it's really not much they need.

~5100 build and painted 
   
Made in us
Tzeentch Veteran Marine with Psychic Potential





Kildare, Ireland

 Boris420 wrote:
I know this is a gaming forum website but I figured I'd post my parenting woes in case others can relate. During this pandemic I have found circumstances to be harder to cope with. For instance, both my children are of age that they could be in the public school system which would be free but due to covid they are spending their weekdays at daycare. This alone is costing their mother & I lots of money.
Along with the fact that her & I have not been together for some time & we pay our separate rents/bills/food, my children are having to be home schooled which adds to the difficulty of raising two little ones amongst the ongoing stress of the pandemic & work in general as I get to spend less quality time with them on top of feeling trapped inside with them because of the lockdowns in place.


That sounds really rough. You have my sympathies.
Due to having little in the way of socialization with friends outside of work, the only activities I participate in is weightlifting in my makeshift gym inside my small 1 bedroom apartment & modeling my miniatures. About a quarter to half my income goes to child support, therefore I forego having internet at home and rely on my phone data plan to watch content on YouTube or watching basic channels on my TV that I receive for free from rabbit ear antennae.
This has left me incredibly bored and somewhat depressed as of which I know many of you can relate. I long to someday be able to play 40k again as well as game on a PC but until I can afford internet again much less a new computer I am trying to be of sound mind & body all the while working full time & improving/coping with my limited parenting skills.


Turn off the TV. It won't help your mood and it won't help your kids. Passively consuming content will keep you depressed and lethargic. Being marketed at constantly is also bad for our brains- seeing all the things we don't have.
Instead, focus on activities that build your mental health and improve you.
Spoiler:
Download classic, free books on your phone, borrow them from family, friends, libraries(if open) buy them from second hand stores. Read to your kids, read with your kids, ask what they enjoy, try complement that.
Spend time in nature- get out and walk, get fresh air. Take your kids! Play some casual sports or games like frisbee with them. Invent or google nature trail challenges- spring is almost upon us and plants will be blooming.
Selectively view a movie- watch a classic or favourite film. You might have a few DVDs lying around or someone willing to loan you some. If you know someone who has netflix etc, they can share their password. Other sites exist. Share something age appropriate with the kids- make popcorn at home and get some softdrinks.
Cooking videos are free on YT. Learn something new, perfect a favourite recipe and cook with your kids- make something they love or have never tried.
Hobby- get to painting, building terrian or materials from found materials. Use youtube videos to pick up techniques to improve. Try suck your kids into a game or 'ask them for help' with a project to see if you can pique their interest. Take an interest in their hobbies-if they have none, try and help them find something.

If you miss 40k a lot, and want to play games, try get involved with a local gaming group over facebook or discord and see if anyone would like games of 40k rpgs, or something else. Again, this is something you might involve your kids in, and as it is remote it could even be a night you don't officially have them, Mom permitting


Your kids want you, and they benefit most from you at your best. Your self improvement will have a positive effect on them- it can start today .

I try to make sure my kids want for nothing & give my children love but it's been a hard pill to swallow when reality sets in & that by the time my parents were my age, albeit separated like I am to the mother of my children, they both were raising me in much better conditions than I have provided for my children. My small apartment pales in comparison to the houses my parents had at my age & due to my anxiety disorder (and some depression) I am not always the best father to my kids.

Others have pointed out that this isn't necessarily your doing. What I will add is that you have access to a lot of online resources to help you be a dad. Being able to search for videos on DIY, cooking and kids activities is a godsend. My wife is teaching our little kids music right now, using an online course that would have been impossible for your folks.

I try not to feel like a failure & stay upbeat but I have no support system nearby as far as extended family goes so I feel like I'm in all this all alone but deep down I know I am far from being the only parent whom feels this plight. I only hope this rant lets others know that you are not alone from being denied some kind of katharsis during these troubling times and I hope in some way that if you feel lost & helpless as I have that my perseverance in staying positive will give you the strength & knowledge that if I can do this then you can too. May all of you be well and especially to all the fellow parents out there please don't give up and have faith that things will be ok.


You aren't a failure because you havn't stopped caring or trying. Godspeed brother.
   
Made in us
Battlefield Tourist




MN

If you are wondering about if you are a bad parent, you are all ready NOT a bad parent.

Bad parents do not care if they are bad parents or not.

Do you like Free Wargames?
http://bloodandspectacles.blogspot.com/ 
   
Made in us
Longtime Dakkanaut





 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:

All you can do is your best. If your sprogs are fed, clothed and warm, you’re doing a solid job.


I would add 'make sure they know they're loved' to that list.

I was fed, clothed, and warm growing up... and subjected to near-daily tirades about how stupid and useless I was and how I ruined my mother's life by merely existing. This happened so often the few 'you know we love you, right?' comments that came up were overwhelmed and buried. It left a mark on my psyche, believe it.

And how was I stupid and useless? I couldn't clean to her standards. Not that she could be bothered to SHOW ME how to clean to her standards. It wasn't until I got a job that someone showed me how to sweep a bloody floor right. I kept pushing down harder and harder on the broom... when all that does is fling stuff around; a light touch is what is needed to gather the debris. Hundreds of hours of scolding could have been avoided with that one revelation by itself.

So... loving your kid, SHOWING you love your kid, teaching them what they need to know, setting the rules they need to grow up but never smothering them under your authority...or your own insecurities. That's what kids need, beyond the basic needs of survival.

If you can still ask the question, the answer is probably 'yes, I'm doing the best I can'. It's when you take the answer for granted and stop asking the question that you run into trouble.

CHAOS! PANIC! DISORDER!
My job here is done. 
   
Made in us
Regular Dakkanaut





Mckinleyville, CA

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. It means a lot. I had a severe lack of a father figure growing up. My real father from the get go decided to see me once every two weeks & if that later in life. He had my step-mother & my step-siblings to care for after he remarried and I felt he always put my step-mother first. My step Dad took me fishing & golfing once or twice. He preferred to hang out with his friends and later on he gambled. I felt like I was just in the way, an afterthought to both of them. As I grew older and my older step-sister went off to college my step-dad couldn't have cared less about me. When I grew my hair out he kept teasing me in thinking that I was gay because I looked different than his idea of a boy and because I was a metalhead. I was never good at sports or manly enough in his eyes.

I barely speak to my biological father & my step-Dad is dead & buried. I see & have my kids at least once a week. I tell them I love them all the time. I try to be present & listen to them. Sometimes I am on my phone too often but I try to keep their best interests at heart. Because of my upbringing I kina treat my son too harshly but I work on not yelling at either of my kids & talk them through their problems. I can't wait til they get older when we will play board games, watch movies, have deep philosophical conversations and maybe even hobby together. I want the best for them & to be strong independent human beings who will rely on me without hesitation and be there for them.
   
Made in us
Daemonic Dreadnought





Eye of Terror

Hey - a little bit of advice.

Was a single father for 14 years, raised a daughter on my own. Faced very serious challenges with income, housing, employment during that period in my life.

Some things that helped me.

- This framework I picked up on. Everyone has personal, family and professional interests. Once a week, I wrote a short statement describing what I seek to accomplish in each area and the progress I made towards those goals. It helped keep me focused by visualizing what could be, instead of what is happening.

- Cheap Thrills. This was the name for my parenting philosophy. When I didn't have anything else to do, I took the daughter out and did something cheap. Sometimes it was a Slurpee and a bag of candy. Sometimes it was a toy that would stick to a wall. What I was trying to do is get something new and novel and enjoy it with her as if I was a kid as well. Got my mind off whatever was bothering me and let me see the world through her eyes a little.

- Something my Dad said. He used to tell me, wherever you are in the world is the best place you've ever been. Wherever you will be tomorrow, same thing. Some of the places I lived were outstandingly bad, the thing is: I never stayed anywhere too long. Moved cross country a few times, had roommates, etc. I know your situation is different, but don't let it be the place you spend the rest of your life. You may want to think through what your options are if you don't like the place you are now.

- Entrepreneurship. Starting a business is a great thing, even if it doesn't work out. The mental exercise of figuring out what people want, who the people are that would buy it, how they want to learn about what you offer - it got me thinking about possibilities instead of limitations. Maybe running a business isn't your thing, but find something to aspire to. Most importantly, make sure it's complex enough that it takes time to figure out how it works. Try to be the best at it. What you need is some kind of adventure to lift yourself out of the situation you find yourself in. If you look around, you're going to find many.

The last thing I'd offer, at the risk of sounding cliche: you are your own worst critic. Don't believe whatever stories you've been telling yourself. You have everything you need to pull yourself up from this situation, use the tools you have and ask for help when you need it. Took me a long time to learn this, but being down on myself was really what was holding me back. Look in a mirror every day and tell yourself you're the best. Know that it's not true, but it's better than telling yourself everything's horrible. That's less true.


   
Made in us
Longtime Dakkanaut





Denison, Iowa

I've been lucky in this department. Covid isn't bad here. No mask requirement in public, and businesses basically back to normal. School requires masks, but their open.

When we did have lockdown my kids got a tad screen time addicted. Also, we live in an areas with few neighbors with kids, so my son and daughter have developed a bit of a love-hate dependent relationship with each other as their only friends.

On the plus side, my old PS3 got its first fire up and use in YEARS. I found a $5 copy of Minecraft for PS3 (still in shrink wrap) and my kids love going co op on it. Also the first time I've ever used more than one controler on my PS3.

As for my own personal health. Well, I have to admit that I may have gotten a little depression myself. I've developed a "I'll do it later" mentality that has slowly turned a tidy house into a total mess that I wouldn't even want my family to see. I have various hobby stuff strewn out over three rooms that never seems to get put away or finished.
   
Made in us
Charging Dragon Prince





West Lafayette, IN

My wife decided pretty early on that she wanted to homeschool our daughter so the Covid issues aren't changing that dynamic much. Field trips can be a bit of a bear now, but as long as we book in advance enough we can still get to places. Indiana is also not nearly as locked down as some places, so there's that.

MY biggest issue is that my son has Down Syndrome and a congenital heart issue tied to it, making him extremely immunocompromised. I have to be careful with whom I let in to our house, where I can take him as far as stores and whatnot, AND since we have an out of the house child that hangs with the dregs of society that also happen to believe that Covid simply does not exist, we can't even be sure to count on our own family members with this. Our second oldest wound up testing positive and being quarantined, so we've had it hit close to home already.

www.classichammer.com

For 4-6th WFB, 2-5th 40k, and similar timeframe gaming

Looking for dice from the new AOS boxed set and Dark Imperium on the cheap. Let me know if you can help.
 CthuluIsSpy wrote:
Its AoS, it doesn't have to make sense.
 
   
Made in gb
Calculating Commissar




Frostgrave

It's hard to say if we've had a rough time or not, since some of it's been bad and some hasn't. We're a bit "different" in that both of our kids are autistic so get some lockdown exemptions about travelling.
We also didn't really have any family support or see friends before the lockdown so beyond being able to take our kids out to parks and McDonalds life didn't change hugely for us.

We did find a complete lack of free time - as much as I love my kids to bits we really needed that few school hours to get caught up on everything around the house, so everything's fallen behind a bit but not in any problematic way. We got a bit lucky in that we'd started some garden renovation work before the first lockdown so the kids had a newer garden to play in and I've had a lot more time around the house due to working from home.

It must be truly awful for single parents and sociable people who've been isolated.



 Easy E wrote:
If you are wondering about if you are a bad parent, you are all ready NOT a bad parent.

Bad parents do not care if they are bad parents or not.


I think this bears repeating and it's something I say pretty often. Bad parents tend to never question if they are bad parents or not because they just don't care. The fact that you're feeling that way and trying to improve shows that you are not.

It's also worth remembering that this in an unprecidentedly bad time for everyone. We've not had a pandemic like this for 100 years and it's brought the world to a grinding halt. It's going to be rough a bit longer and take an age to recover but we'll get through it.
   
Made in us
Humming Great Unclean One of Nurgle






Especially in the modern first world and especially in the US, an extremely valuable skill for children to learn is finding entertainment without spending much/any money. Cut the mental association that fun=spending and on a very basic level that child will be far better prepared for adult life.

You can also use the money saved to buy miniatures, since the previous generation of parents never did this and we must snort lines of plastic shavings to survive.

Also, have you considered a light box? You can have it on while working on miniatures and may help take the edge off the depression.
   
 
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