[MOD]
Anti-piracy Officer
Somewhere in south-central England.
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The Case of the Head-Patting Fairy
Once upon a time in The Server there was a boi detective called Yancey#4336. He originally wanted to be a hard-boiled detective but he became kuudere, because his partner Ms Moon Potato insisted on it. Kuudere was the name of their agency, she said, clients saw it in gold letters on the door, and it was important to live up to that promise.
Moon was wise and kept Yancey out of most of the trouble his macho impetuosity caused. Also she could give a hard stare as good as Paddington the Bear. Anyway, kuudere and hard-boiled were basically the same thing if you looked at it right, so Yancey played along. Any time he got off what Moon considered the strait and narrow path, he would buy her a bag of her favourite donuts from the diner on the corner. Thus, peace mostly reigned in their office.
One slow day Moon took a muttered phone call, and decided to go out on what she called ‘personal business.’ She checked her make-up carefully, and adjusted her black beret to a jaunty angle, to show off her auburn waves to maximum advantage.
“You’re holding the fort, Yancey, so don’t do anything stupid,” she told him as she picked up her handbag. “Don’t gamble, don’t drink, and don’t go into the gun safe.”
“No fear, Dollface, I’d never do that!” he assured her. Actually he was scared of the thing in the safe, because Bad Things tended to happen if he took it out.
“And if we get a client,” she said, “Don’t agree to do anything until I’ve seen your notes.”
“You can rely on me, Moon. I got your back like always. Enjoy your date,” he winked.
“It’s not a date,” Moon grinned, “Well, maybe kinda…” She swished out, her hips swaying the midi length skirt of her rich tan brown detective suit.
Yancey enjoyed the view until Moon was out of sight, then he locked the office door. He took a half-pint of rye whiskey out of his desk, shined a glass with his handkerchief, and mixed a drink with tap water from the tiny kitchenette. He leaned his chair to full recline, put his brogues up on his desk, sipped, and sighed. Then he tipped back upright and took the receivers off the bulky Bakelite dial phones which sat on his and Moon’s desks. Finally he reclined again, swigged, and slipped his snap-brim hat down over his face. He began to free associate about various problems.
He had pretty much solved poverty and world peace, and was just starting on the more difficult issue of his love-life, when a melodious tinkling sound distracted him. It could have been an SFX from a videogame, or the wind chimes Japanese people hang up to deflect summer’s heat. He craned his eyes open to scan the office.
Midway between his and Moon’s desks there was a something, a small, rectangular patch of rippling light just hanging vertical in the air a couple of feet off the ground. With another ting-a-ling, a shower of blue sparks jetted from it and scattered around the room, creating a background glow. Yancey watched the glow spread and grabbed for his gat, then he put the gun down because his left ear was itching. He stood up, rubbing his ear, and walked over to look at the something. It was large enough to stick his head into. He was just wondering how stupid an idea it would be to try that when a head poked out of the light.
It belonged to a girl, petite, pretty, with pale face and dark eyes, her brown hair put up into a loose bun and her ears were pointy!
“Oh hai!” said the head as she saw Yancey. “Hewwo, uwu…” she anime smiled at him. “I’m sorry to bust in on y’all like this but I’ve got a problem.” Her voice was a lazy southern drawl, Floridian maybe.
“Wait a mo’, I need my notebook.” Yancey grabbed a yellow legal pad and sat cross-legged on the floor, so they could talk to each other comfortably.
“So, to start at the beginning, what’s your name, Ms?”
“The Garden Fairy Yura.”
“You’re actually a fairy?”
“Yep! See my ears? An’ if you look past my head you’ll see my wings.”
It was true. The Garden Fairy’s dress, a vibrant green miniskirt number, was tailored at the back for a set of gossamer wings, currently furled. Yancey wasn’t as surprised to see this as you might be, because he had been involved with some magic stuff before. Even so, it was quite a sight.
Sunlight dappled around the fairy, much brighter than today’s weather in Server City, and a sweet scent of flowers wafted into the room on a warm breeze. Suddenly Yancey wanted to be wherever Yura was.
“Uhuh, okay, Ms Yura. I’m Detective Yancey and my partner’s Ms Moon Potato but she’s out right now. So, what’s the problem?”
“Well, you see my portal, this like a window I put my head through to visit you, uwu?”
“Yes.”
“I use it to deliver hugs anywhere in The Server where a member needs them, uwu. It’s supposed to open up a lot bigger but it won’t, so I’m stuck.”
“I can see how that’s a problem…” Yancey thought being hugged by a pretty fairy might be nice. “Only I’m a detective, not a tech support line for magical items. I’m sorry.”
“Oh please help me, Yancey! I know you can because my magic told me to find you. Don’t be mean, uwu!” She batted winsome eyes, however the bluff detective held Moon’s words in mind, and went on taking notes.
“What’s that about your magic?”
“The portal needs a recharge, but my fairy sparkles were running low so I used the last of them to cast a finding spell for someone with spare magic. The portal opened up and here you are, uwu. I can sense mana in this room.”
“That’s probably the leftover from when you sent some magic through just now,” Yancey said, but he was rubbing his itchy ear again. Glowing sparks, apparently stirred by his fingers, began to drift away from it.
“There! I knew it! Your ear is full of magic, uwu. How did it get that way?”
“You found me out, Ms Yura. There’s a long story about that but the short one is when someone tells you the Mods don’t bite, they’re wrong. Skyen bites, at any rate.”
“Nooo!”
His resolve collapsed and the tale tumbled out all confused.
“Yeah. This one time me and Skyen quested for the moon together, cause she’s a Wolf-girl. She changed herself into Holo the Wise-wolf with an Avatar and we jumped off the Edge of the World, which was pretty Goddessdam scary.”
“Ooooh!”
“We missed the moon and fell. On the way down she bit my ear, drew blood with her fierce teeth. I got a kiss too, so it wasn’t all bad.”
“A moonlit kiss!” The Garden Fairy’s eyes glowed. “What happened next?”
“We hit a lake and she nearly drowned but I got her out cause I’m a good swimmer. Anyway, that bite put Holo’s magic in me, so now I’m bound to her. Skyen comes over here sometimes to ask us to do stuff and I can’t refuse.”
“There are worse masters than a Mod, Yancey.”
“I guess you’re right. So, that’s my magic ear. I don’t see how it can help you though.”
“I have an idea.”
Yura withdrew her head and spoke from the other side of the portal.
“Can you put your head through, uwu?”
Yancey shuffled forwards and leant his head into the magic glow. He emerged into a sub-tropical garden, dappled with sun, and filled with the lush scents of bright flowers growing on all sides. Butterflies fluttered by, and bees buzzed busily. Yura was kneeling on a rug. She smiled at him.
“Now close your eyes, please, Yancey.” He did.
The next thing he felt was her small hands resting on his head, one on each side. She began to sing some nonsense song, patting gently in time with both hands. It went on for several minutes, the rhythm of her song and hands varying. Maybe it was a kind of spell. Yancey felt relaxed and energised. Eventually the hands went away, and he opened his eyes.
Yura was smiling and he smiled back, because her sunny expression just lit his heart.
“Did that work, did it help, Yura?”
“Not entirely. I hoped to pat the mana from you to re-energise my portal, but I couldn’t.”
“I’m sorry.”
“But I got enough to boot up the diagnostics sub-routines so I can probably fix it myself, with the help of the manual. Thank you, uwu!”
“Well, that’s great. I’d better get back now, actually Yura.”
“Wait a minute. I’ll fetch something for you.” The fairy scampered off, and returned in a couple of minutes with an open top pie in a tupperware box. “Here, for your trouble. I made it myself.”
“That’s swell of you, Yura. I’ll enjoy it later. Well. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye for now, dear Yancey, uwu. I’m sure we’ll meet again.”
Yancey got his head back into his own space. The magic portal shrank to a dot, and snapped closed with a pop of sparks. He put the pie on Moon’s desk.
Moon came back a few minutes later, wearing an expression he couldn’t read.
“What’s this, Yancey?” She opened the pie box. “Did someone visit?”
“I got it from the diner. New line they’re trying out.”
“Wow! It’s Cay Lime Pie. Hard to get up here, cause the special limes only grow in the Sub-tropical South. Looks home-made. Did you get a receipt for the tax deductible?”
“Oh boi. Sorry, Moon, I forgot.”
“If the pie’s good I’ll forgive you.”
It was, and she did.
THE END
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