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Granted. Unfortunately they’re all considerably racist, and eventually the offence causes you to be burned in a Wickerman by a group of Picts so incensed by your cultural insensitivity, they break through the time continuum.

I wish child actors weren’t so horribly mistreated, let alone actively abused.

Granted. Child actors lead the life of the golden ones. They sit beneath the palms and drink the wine with the enlightened ones. On their 18th birthday, they are simply lined up and shot as adults.

I wish for a bigger chainsaw.

Granted, but it will slay you the first time you try to use it, because the chain is too weak.

I wish for the codex of Men of Iron.

Granted. It is written by Arnold Schwarzenegger and has nothing to do with any known game system.

I wish people who can't drive in the snow would stay off the damn roads.

Granted. Now they line up and block the roads, protesting those who drive in unsafe conditions.

I wish for warmer weather.

Granted. Enjoy the surface of the sun.

I wish pseudoscience, woo and click bait drivel was ignore by humanity entirely.

Granted: the humanity regress to the stone age, so there is no more pseudoscience because there is no more science, technology and internet; there is only shamans, witches and sorcerers…

I wish for a better job.

Granted. You’re immediately made redundant due to increasing automation.

I wish you happiness.

Granted, but you have lost everything: job, house, car, money, friends…

I wish the Immaterium would actually exist.

Granted. Unfortunately it turns out Uri Sodding Geller is the only one able to tap its power.

He becomes ever more egotistical and insufferable, to the point even the Chaos Gods want shot of him, turning him into a Warp Breach Singularity which wipes out our planet,

I wish for mankind to peaceably and successfully colonise the Moon within the next 30 years, and use it thereafter as a fuel efficient launching point for greater exploration and colonisation of Mars.

Granted, but before to start the Mars colonisation it will happen a little problem:



I wish the Italians would be more similar to the Ancient Romans.

The_Grim_Angel wrote:
Granted, but before to start the Mars colonisation it will happen a little problem:



I wish the Italians would be more similar to the Ancient Romans.

Granted, and all technology discovered/invented after 500AD stops functioning.

I wish for a an end to disease and famine.

Granted.

In a Chairman Mao error (see Sparrows), those responsible completely deforest the planet, and sterilise it of all microbial life. The biome completely collapses and everyone dies.

I wish world leaders would, instead of wars, just drop their trousers to decide who has the bigger wanger.

Granted. Butt all the feminists of the world are under your house (and very angry), because now no one woman can became a world leader.

I wish to live in a world in which the ancient Gods and their magic are a real thing.

Granted, but they are more stupid and petty than normal humans... Because they are gods.

I wish I had my new shed already.

Granted. It’s a Time Shed.



You travel back to dinosaur times and get ate off a T-Rex.

I wish I could get out of bed today, but I can’t be bothered.

Granted. The bed gets offended by stash of Manga under it and tosses you out. It refuses to let you back in until you find alternate storage for your collection.

I wish to buy the world a Coke.

Granted. Unfortunately it’s the bad kind, and you go to Pris for ever and ever and ever. Mr Big of the Pris bears a grudge, because he’s quite fond of the Bad Kind of Coke, and his got lost in the post.

I wish Rupert Murdoch never existed.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted. Unfortunately it’s the bad kind, and you go to Pris for ever and ever and ever. Mr Big of the Pris bears a grudge, because he’s quite fond of the Bad Kind of Coke, and his got lost in the post.

I wish Rupert Murdoch never existed.

granted, but his replacement, Robert Docmur, is actually indistinguishable form him, right down to the cellular level, to the point that your not sure it actually happened or if you just suddenly started hallucinating that his name was Rupert Murdoch, dispite everyone telling you otherwise. The cognitive dissonance that you experience every time you hear his name takes its toll on your mental health, and you end your days in a pych ward, questioning reality itself.


I wish the anti-vaccine movement....wasnt.

Granted. They now oppose injections because they are invasive, cause swelling and bleeding, and hurt bunches.

I wish the tool I need cost less than $500.00 (US).

Granted. It’s $499 and a Raccoon has just eaten your bank account.

I wish I could be arsed to paint my models.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted. It’s $499 and a Raccoon has just eaten your bank account.

I wish I could be arsed to paint my models.

Granted. You are overcome by an overwhelming desire to paint your models, but are unable to find any paint or brushes anywhere. You're urge to paint becomes all consuming and you neglect your physical needs while you constantly search for paint until you waste away.

I wish I was home already.

Granted, because you’ve just been made homeless. Enjoy the gutter

I wish Katee Sackhoff got a MCU role.

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Granted, because you’ve just been made homeless. Enjoy the gutter

I wish Katee Sackhoff got a MCU role.

Granted, but it's a CGI role with no speaking parts.

I wish my boss would catch a clue.

Granted. Unfortunately the clue caught is a clue from Parallex 99, a little known extraterrestrial parasite which causes abject incompetence. The only other victim is believed to be one B. Johnson.

I wish Old El Paso taco seasoning did its job.

Granted. It does, but only in the Old Town section of El Paso Texas.

I wish Taco Bueno taco meat wasn't so salty.

Granted! It's not too salty anymore because they've switched to Soylent Green and that's seasoned just right.

I wish Disco made a comeback.

Granted.
Disco Volante by Mr. Bungle sees an extraordinary rise in popularity, winning multiple platinum albums and Album of the Year.

I wish George R. R. Martin would finish the damn GoT book already.

 helgrenze wrote:
Granted.
Disco Volante by Mr. Bungle sees an extraordinary rise in popularity, winning multiple platinum albums and Album of the Year.

I wish George R. R. Martin would finish the damn GoT book already.

Granted. He stops the story, mid-sentence and types "The End". It is published as is, without any proof reading or editing.

I wish I had a really good pizza.

Granted. It’s Clarence, the Psychic Sentient Pizza superhero. He does nothing but good deeds, including kicking the asses of anyone who eats sentient Pizza.

I wish that when I go to the pub on 12 April, when lockdown eases, there’s a lovely soft idiot slobber guts Labrador wanting a fuss.