Every man
Down on Terra
Liked Spacemas lot...

But the Tzeentch,
Who lived just inside the Warp,
Did NOT!

The Tzeentch hated Spacemas! The whole Spacemas season!
Now, please don't ask why. Tzeentch lives outside of reason.
It could be that his cultists weren't devout enough.
It could be, perhaps, that his psykers weren't tough.
But I think that the most likely reason, indeed,
May have been that tactical genius named Creed.

But,
Whatever the reason,
Cultists or tactics,
He stood there on Spacemas Eve, hating their antics.
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Tzeentchy gaze
At the damn foolish mortals he so wished to raze.
For he knew every man down in Terra so holy
Was praising a corpse that was dying slowly.

"The Emperor protects!" he snarled with a sneer.
"So long as he eats psykers, they've nothing to fear!"
Then he growled, with his Tzeentch tendrils nervously thrumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Spacemas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Terran girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd cheer for humanity!
And then! Oh, the sanity! Oh, the sanity! Sanity! Sanity! Sanity!
That's one thing he hated! The SANITY! SANITY! SANITY! SANITY!

Then the Terrans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on Tau steaks, and Eldar--deceased--
Which was something that Tzeentch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every man down on Terra, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, Spacemas klaxons blaring.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the marines would start swearing!

They'd swear! And they'd swear!
AND they'd SWEAR! SWEAR! SWEAR! SWEAR!
And the more the Tzeentch thought of the Space-Marine-Swear,
The more the Tzeentch thought: "This I cannot bear!
Why, for aeons untold I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Spacemas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE TZEENTCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Tzeentch laughed away his frown.
And he made some quick golden armor and a crown.
And he chuckled and clucked, with a pleased Tzeentchy nod:
"With this armor and crown, I'll look just like their god!"

"All I need is a throne..."
The Tzeentch looked around.
But since thrones are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Tzeentch...?
No! The Tzeentch said, unalarmed:
"If I can't find a throne, I'll make one with charms!
So he called forth Abbadon. Then, giggling at the harm,
He painted him gold and tore off his arms.

THEN
He loaded some bags
And took the form of a man,
Cackled with glee,
And sat on Abaddon.

Then the Tzeentch said, "Giddyap!"
And Abaddon floated slowly
Out of the Warp, towards where men
Lay a-snooze in Terra Holy.

All their viewing ports were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the men were dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first dwelling in the square.
"This is stop number one," The Tzeentch-peror hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he smashed down the stairs. A mouse died with a screech.
"fething stairs in this armor," muttered old Tzeentch.
He got stuck there at once, for a moment or two.
Then he phased out of reality, then back again. "Phew!"
There the Space Marine bolters all hung in a row.
"These bolters," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a visage unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Volkites! And chainswords! Power fists! Lasguns!
Autocannons! Eviscerators! Meltaguns! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Tzeentch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then he slunk to the freezer. He took the mens' feast!
He took the Tau steaks! He took Eldar, deceased!
He cleaned out that freezer as quick as a BLAM.
The only thing Tzeentch left was a lone can of spam.

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Tzeentch, "For that damned effigy!"

And the Tzeentch grabbed the small Emperor that sat on the shelf--
Then he heard an angry muttering of "Go feth yourself."
He turned around fast, and he saw a marine!
Clad only in angry-face boxers, he still looked pretty mean.

The Tzeentch had been caught by this drunken Astartes
Who was clearly still reeling from the pre-Spacemas parties.
He stared at the Tzeentch and said, "Emperor, why?
Why are you taking our idol of you? Why?"

But, you know, that old Tzeentch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, young ensign or major--whatever you are--
You know the Codex Astartes only goes just so far.
Religion is blinding the Imperium, young lad.
I'm taking the idols before it gets to be bad."

And his fib fooled the drunkard. Then he patted his head
And got him a seltzer and he sent him to bed.
And when that drunken marine collapsed on his bunk,
HE took that idol and broke it into chunks!

The last thing he took
Was the last of their stairs.
"feth!" he let out as he fell through the air.
But, with a little more effort, he got out of there.

And the one bit of food
That he left in the house
Was a can of spam that was even too spoiled for a mouse.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other mens' houses

It was a quarter past dawn...
All the men, still alone
All the men, still a-snooze
When he packed up his "throne,"
Packed it with their weapons! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Through the Warp he went! To a forgotten scum pit,
He brought all the men's gak to dump it!
"Just as planned!" he was Tzeentchily humming.
"They're finding out now that no Spacemas is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then all the men down on Terra will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Tzeentch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Tzeentch grew many an ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up through the Warp.
It started off flat. Then it rose to C sharp...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! Very!

He manifested down on Terra!
The Tzeentch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw as a fething surprise!

Every man down on Terra, the tall and the small,
Was cursing! And they had their weapons--had them all!
He HADN'T stopped Spacemas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Tzeentch, as the bolters opened a volley,
Floated puzzling and puzzling: "How could this thing be?
I took all their chainswords! I took all their lasguns!
I took all their weaponry! Hell, I even took plums!"
Then he looked at the horizon, through a bullet storm,
And then the Tzeentch saw an all-too familiar form!
"Those giant-ass shoulders! That smarmy cigar!
Those weapons that reappeared here from so far!"

And what happened then...?
Well...on Terra they say
That the Tzeentch's small heart
Was blown to smithereens that day!
And the minute that his organs filled the street,
His forces across the galaxy fell in defeat.
And mankind hoisted their weapons! And started the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Tzeentch yelled out "CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ED!"

 SilverMK2 wrote:
Merry Presentmas!

 Nashole211 wrote:
Merry Christmas! I just threw the chicken in the smoker!!

 Waaagh_Gonads wrote:
Taken at about 0730, with a lot of set up still to go..

Relatives to arrive at 10am
Then presents and santa.
Then lunch about Noon.
Then cricket out the back.

Next door have a croquet tournament set up.

 angel of ecstasy wrote:

 Waaagh_Gonads wrote:
Taken at about 0730, with a lot of set up still to go..

Relatives to arrive at 10am
Then presents and santa.
Then lunch about Noon.
Then cricket out the back.

Next door have a croquet tournament set up.

Jeeves, pack my gak! I'm moving to Australia.

 Squidmanlolz wrote:
WAAAGHy WAAAGHmas every-WAAAGH-body!