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2014/02/11 10:22:36
Subject: Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
My missus has something very similar to this. We make it work.
Consider it carefully though. It's he relationship will need a lot of work, and a whole tanker-ful of understanding from you. She'll do things which make no sense to you, and there'll be no way of explaining that to her while she's off on one.
You'll have to develop coping mechanisms, and there'll be a lot of eggshell-treading around the 6-month - 1-year mark.
And if you ever want to end the relationship... Best of luck. There's no exit strategy that works cleanly.
By all means try it, but be very aware it'll be a lot of work, and never, ever make a commitment (saying three words, moving in together, getting engaged) until you're at least three months past certain, or you could end up hurting her very very badly.
2014/02/11 11:25:37
Subject: Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
She probably doesn't have BPD. She's probably just a (explitive deleted). Or highly emotional. Or any number of personality flaws you can count. People veeeeery frequently blame some thing they heard of as the cause for a personality flaw. Usually because they are kind of a crappy person and they don't want to deal with it, even though it affects those around them. It's really an extension of being raised in a society that tells you when your young that you are special and important and you can be whatever you want to be. When clearly you are none of those things.
I'm not saying the disorder doesn't exist, but there's a much higher chance of self diagnosis than professional. So beware these people. You don't want to become involved with someone who has no capacity for personal accountability. A simple way to find out if it's a real disorder is to ask about her shrink. If she has to muck around the subject she's full of gak.
2014/02/11 16:28:23
Subject: Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
I did date a girl with BPD a couple years ago, it was the worst experience of my life, like... emotionally scarring, disturbing, life altering, heartbreakingly bad... like, you think you know psychological warfare? You don't know psychological warfare... hell, the black ops community don't know psychological warfare by way of comparison to her.
When I found out what I was dealing with, I was told by several friends (psychologists, psychiatrists, people that have dealth with it before, etc.) to run like hell. I thought they were exagerrating, I thought, "oh I can handle it", I built myself into some sort of goddamned night in shining armor in my head and said, "I will fight this thing, I will beat this thing, and I will live happily ever after." No. No, I goddamned didn't do any of those things, and no you aren't going to do any of those things either. If she's diagnosed BPD, and she's aware of her condition, and in therapy for it and actively trying to overcome it, then I would tell you, if you're serious about it, to give it a go, (but be aware that lots of people that suffer from BPD don't fall into that category, and though they may say they want to get better, they rarely actually put in the real effort to make it reality) but don't get attached, be very wary, and get ready for the friggin' rollercoaster ride of your life.
Otherwise?
RUN. LIKE. HELL.
If you want to know my story, heres as concise a summary as I can possibly provide:
I met this girl half online/half in person. I was finishing up my final semester of college at the time and bumped into her as she was coming out of a biochemical lab on campus. Later that night, by pure gak luck, a friend who was also using the same dating site as me linked me to her profile (we shared matches, etc. if we thought it was the kind of girl that someone would be interested in), her profile said she was a 19 year old exchange student from Finland doing an internship. To me, her profile read like she was absolutely crazy (think bizarre/dramatic writing syntax, overly promiscuous/suggestive comments, weird nonsensical/random gak, etc.), I thought it might have been a language barrier type thing, but really wasn't that interested in any case. Well, she was online at the time, checked out my profile, and messaged me (having also recognized me). I was kinda standoffish and dickish to her, since I really didn't want much to do with her, but she broke me down and I warmed up to her. Well, we started dating, gak happened, I fell in love. I was kinda wary about her, I could tell she was lying about something or another, but could never figure out what. Every time I THOUGHT I figured it out and would confront her about it, she gave me a logical cover story that while still seemed full of holes, also made sense in the context of what I knew about her, etc. Needless to say, I quickly became endlessly paranoid and started going out of my mind.
Well, somewhere around 4 months in, we had a fight because i caught her in a lie about her weekend plans and was both seriously hurt and royally pissed. Well, she was at the time also dealing with her mother having breast cancer (probably the only thing she didn't lie to me about), and it was either too much for her to handle or it was a more drastic attempt at controlling me/the relationship using the 'woe is me'/'i'm the victim' approach that she was so seemingly fond of, so she threatened suicide, etc. I called the cops and caused a bit of a stir or whatever, she got pissed at me and said I was over-reacting and she never said she was going to commit suicide (and told the cops I was being dramatic and made me look like I was the crazy one...), even though I had the text messages and emails saying pretty clearly that she was going to take her own life (which she denied ever sending, even when I showed them to her...). In any case, she had made it known to me from the start that she had depression issues and was suicidal (I know, I know, but it was after I had already fallen for her), and I convinced her to see a therapist, which she did.
But damnit the girl lied about all her symptoms, etc. (as I found out later) and was prescribed prozac. In case you don't know, psycho-pharmaceuticals are scary gak, especially when someone who doesn't actually need them is put on it at the wrong dosage levels... especially when that someone has BPD. Ms. Already crazy got infinitely more crazy after that, started partying hard, popping drugs, drinking alcohol, sleeping around with pretty much anything that moved, experimenting with all sorts of weird BDSM gak, and avoiding me like I was the plague incarnate, while telling me that she wasn't sure how she felt about me anymore but she didn't want to break things off and risk losing me, blah blah blah. At the time I didn't know the full extent of what she was doing, so I had no real reason to break up with her other than the fact that she was avoiding seeing me, but eventually I figured out what was up (I'm pretty good at figuring stuff out, even moreso when I'm in a chronic state of paranoia) and confronted her about it and told her she needed to be honest with her therapist about what was going on and get off the anti-depressants or go to a lower dosage, etc. She promptly broke up with me on the spot and told me that I wasn't a doctor and she was tired of being mistreated by me (yeah, I know right?) and then went on to sleep with about a half dozen different people in the span of a week.
Well, after deleting every instance of her presence from my life (phone, facebook, etc.) and not speaking to her for a few weeks, she evidently came off her high and called me up in tears begging me to take her back because she felt terrible about what she did and she spoke to her therapist and was coming off the drugs, etc. etc. and then she confessed to me that she actually wasn't from Finland and that she lived in Connecticut and she wanted me to meet her family and they wanted to thank me for looking out for her, etc. Well, I was thinking with my dick, so I agreed. Met her family, had a good time, etc. and then she told me that not only was she not Finnish, but she was also only 16... I was 22... (her 'internship' was a sort of advanced placement program the college had with a local all-girls boarding school). Her parents were fine with the age difference and she convinced me to give it a try... my mind said 'feth no', my dick said 'aww hells yea'. My dick won.
A week later I got a phone call from her on my lunch break, "I'm so sorry, but I realized I'm gay, and I can't keep living this lie anymore, I met someone else, I hope we can still be friends because you're very important to me." She left me for a woman in the Navy (who seemingly was every bit as crazy as her). I was pretty messed up for a long time afterwards, like... black was white, up was down, nothing made sense anymore, I told her straight up she wasn't a lesbian, bisexual maybe, but not a lesbian, and we went our separate ways...
If only that was the end of the story...
About 6-8 months later her psychotic girlfriend was medically discharged from service (for psych issues) and dumped her shortly thereafter. She called me up and told me how right I was and she realized she wasn't a lesbian, and she was so sorry she hurt me and she wanted to give it another try, etc. etc. etc. I politely declined, and made it clear I wasn't playing hard to get, etc. and I just wasn't interested in her anymore, and that I didn't want a long distance relationship (she moved to the opposite side of the country for college), and that I had no ill-will but it wasn't happening...
she doesn't seem to get it, because a few months later she claimed she was seeing a new therapist and was diagnosed with BPD (which I told her I believed she had somewhere around the time she broke up with me the first time around), but she was getting therapy for it and she hoped I would give her another chance one day when she makes a recovery. She still messages me every so often for whatever reason, as far as I can tell she's in a relationship of some sort with a new victim while she's still trying to get back together with me, although at this point she hasn't spoken to me in a couple months, so maybe I've made my getaway (judging from the experiences from some friends, probably not...).
Also this:
In women, it's common for sociopaths to be misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
Is wrong, sociopaths and borderlines are pretty much the opposites. Sociopaths feel nothing, borderlines feel WAY too goddamned much, and as a result they pretty much shut themselves down to the bad feelings and basically abuse the sources of good feelings (like an addict would use drugs) to cover it up, in other words, their life is like a perpetual rebound. I think I'd rather deal with the sociopath personally, they are probably both just as dangerous and manipulative, but (I think) the sociopath is more predicatable.
In any case... RUN LIKE HELL!
EDIT: Oh, and be forewarned, BPD's leave some sort of mark on you or something that makes unstable girls flock to you, because the girl I dated afterwards (who I had known for about 5 or 6 years and never would have guessed to be unstable, nor did I ever expect to get involved with) ended up doing something very similar to me (unbeknownst to me, she had done the same thing to a mutual friend about a half-dozen times over the course of the previous decade or so), while I dont think that she has BPD or a personality disorder, she definitely has a serious emotional instability and commitment issues.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/02/11 16:38:12
CoALabaer wrote: Wargamers hate two things: the state of the game and change.
2014/02/11 17:07:03
Subject: Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
I'm not very good with empathizing to other people's emotional issues. I'm very optimistic and don't waste time sulking about things which have already happened - just get up and move forward.
Dark Apostle 666 wrote: Did it once, never again - first 3 months were great, the last 6 were among the worst months of my life. Girls with disorders are not always fun.
Dark Apostle 666 wrote: Did it once, never again - first 3 months were great, the last 6 were among the worst months of my life. Girls with disorders are not always fun.
...outside of the bedroom.
I'll agree with this. I broke the Golden Rule*, and despite how awesome sexy time was, it totally wasn't worth the drama.
I consider myself to emotionally unstable and while doing research into various disorders I discovered BPD. Every description of BPD describes me, but exponentially worse. I wouldn't want to deal with girl similar to myself, let alone someone even more out of control.
The only way we can ever solve anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy
2014/02/12 00:22:36
Subject: Re:Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
trexmeyer wrote: I consider myself to emotionally unstable and while doing research into various disorders I discovered BPD. Every description of BPD describes me, but exponentially worse. I wouldn't want to deal with girl similar to myself, let alone someone even more out of control.
Never trust in a self-diagnostic, and that applies tenfold to BPD. Neither the DSM-IV or the phenomenological approach defines the required criterias in a sufficiently precise manner.
If you are worried, check up the Mood Disorder table. Most people with BPD will have multiple mood disorders, and they are usually more easily identifiable. If one seems to apply to you, then go consult.
[...] for conflict is the great teacher, and pain, the perfect educator.
2014/02/12 00:42:19
Subject: Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
As someone with depression - being dealt with by meds - and severe anxiety - which doesn't seem to care a jot about the meds - plus prior experience - that was about as first-hand as it gets without suffering from it yourself - with schizophrenia, it would be within the best interests of both myself and the other party that we stay as far away from each other as physically possible.
People have suggested in the past that I become a mental-health nurse or worker. I could not say 'no' fast enough, nor disagree any more than I do.
I would not mix well with such a high-maintenance, high-stress situation. The only thing my being with a BPD partner would produce is the quick decline of us both into complete breakdowns.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/02/12 00:42:30
Mandorallen turned back toward the insolently sneering baron. 'My Lord,' The great knight said distantly, 'I find thy face apelike and thy form misshapen. Thy beard, moreover, is an offence against decency, resembling more closely the scabrous fur which doth decorate the hinder portion of a mongrel dog than a proper adornment for a human face. Is it possibly that thy mother, seized by some wild lechery, did dally at some time past with a randy goat?' - Mimbrate Knight Protector Mandorallen.
Excerpt from "Seeress of Kell", Book Five of The Malloreon series by David Eddings.
"You need not fear us, unless you are a dark heart, a vile one who preys on the innocent; I promise, you can’t hide forever in the empty darkness, for we will hunt you down like the animals you are, and pull you into the very bowels of hell." Iron - Within Temptation
2014/02/12 01:52:17
Subject: Re:Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
Hey, dont insult the BDSM gak; or at least not until you have tried it But that aside, that sounds like a true horror story, and it is good to hear that you got out of it.
Free from GW's tyranny and the hobby is looking better for it
DR:90-S++G+++M++B++I+Pww205++D++A+++/sWD146R++T(T)D+
2014/02/12 02:52:39
Subject: Re:Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
trexmeyer wrote: I consider myself to emotionally unstable and while doing research into various disorders I discovered BPD. Every description of BPD describes me, but exponentially worse. I wouldn't want to deal with girl similar to myself, let alone someone even more out of control.
Never trust in a self-diagnostic, and that applies tenfold to BPD. Neither the DSM-IV or the phenomenological approach defines the required criterias in a sufficiently precise manner.
Self diagnosese are always suspect, as you point out. Really, the personality disorders are tricky because they all are basically clinical based personality flaws. So, people that are moody see themselves as borderline, people with a penchant for rebelling against authority see themselves as anti-social, etc. The problem is that there's a difference between a person being unable to regulate their emotions, and not doing a very good of it.
Even for people with a diagnosis, enabling is the worst thing you can do for them. Even if a person can't understand why they need to follow a certain rule, pretty much anybody (except maybe antisocials) can learn what the rule is and what happens if they break it.
2014/02/13 08:50:37
Subject: Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
trexmeyer wrote: I consider myself to emotionally unstable and while doing research into various disorders I discovered BPD. Every description of BPD describes me, but exponentially worse. I wouldn't want to deal with girl similar to myself, let alone someone even more out of control.
Never trust in a self-diagnostic, and that applies tenfold to BPD. Neither the DSM-IV or the phenomenological approach defines the required criterias in a sufficiently precise manner.
If you are worried, check up the Mood Disorder table. Most people with BPD will have multiple mood disorders, and they are usually more easily identifiable. If one seems to apply to you, then go consult.
I have the physical and psychological scars of someone with a serious disorder. I just don't now what it is exactly, but BPD describes me very closely.
Spoiler:
People with BPD feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer than others do.[11][12] Emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time.[12] Consequently, it can take longer than normal for people with BPD to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience.[13]
This happens to me all the time and it is so much fun! I love being intensely depressed and suicidal for long periods of time.
People with BPD are often exceptionally idealistic, joyful, and loving.
I don't know how high my joyful peaks are, but the other two are dead on. Crazy people are better lovers. True story.
However, they can feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness.[14] People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation, and perceived failure.[15] Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their intense negative emotions can lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior.
There's nothing more fun than having a panic attack in response to a momentary feeling of rejection that leaves you unable to do anything than fall on your knees and cry profusely. Good times. I'm also a multiple attempt survivor. It's a really fun social stigma to carry around.
They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, shut them down entirely.
Tried this in the past. Managed to shut myself down successfully for about 3-4 years before relapsing.
Impulsive behaviors are common, including: substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners, reckless spending and reckless driving.[19] Impulsive behaviors can also include quitting jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury.[20]
People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain.
All of these are accurate except for the sex part. Multiple partners is disgusting.
Self-harming or suicidal behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria in the DSM IV-TR. Management of and recovery from this behavior can be complex and challenging.[21] The suicide rate among patients with BPD is 8 to 10 percent.
Yes to both. Frequently.
People with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, feeling intense joy and gratitude at perceived expressions of kindness, and intense sadness or anger at perceived criticism or hurtfulness.[26] Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value. This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting or black-and-white thinking, includes a shift from idealizing others (feeling admiration and love) to devaluing them (feeling anger or dislike).[27] Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers.[28] Self-image can also change rapidly from positive to negative.
All of this. Damn. It's been a while since I read the description of BPD, but god damn it is downright scary how accurate this describes me.
While strongly desiring intimacy, people with BPD tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied attachment patterns in relationships,[29] and they often view the world as dangerous and malevolent.
I routinely have thoughts that go along the lines of, "Everyone is evil, self-serving, and animalistic. Women will always ultimately cheat and betray you. I should just kill myself because you can't trust anyone and the world is a living hell."
Manipulation to obtain nurturance is considered to be a common feature of BPD by many who treat the disorder, as well as by the DSM-IV.
I will admit to being manipulative, but I do recognize it as being wrong and try avoid such actions.
People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have a hard time knowing what they value and enjoy.[34] They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause people with BPD to experience feeling "empty" and "lost".[34]
I remember this, when I originally did research into BPD this was the last straw that convinced me I had BPD. I don't know what I enjoy. I really don't. Can you imagine going through life so detached that you have no interests, aspirations, goals, hobbies, or any enjoyment at all? Now, this is not a constant state of being for me, but it is frequent enough to cause severe quality of life issues.
The often intense emotions experienced by people with BPD can make it difficult for them to control the focus of their attention—to concentrate.[34] In addition, people with BPD may tend to dissociate, which can be thought of as an intense form of "zoning out"
I'm honestly not quite sure if I do this in the manner I see it described. I do have trouble concentrating and focusing on anything for any period of time.
Honestly, you should stay away from anyone that is mentally and emotionally unstable. I don't consider myself to be a morally bad person, but I have committed some seriously repugnant acts in moments of intense emotional distress. It is very difficult to stop myself once I'm out of control. The only way to prevent it is to remain relatively emotional stable. I have experienced moments where it feels as if someone else is controlling my body or that I'm not really there or that none of this is real. God...I basically have psychotic episodes from time to time.
Yeah, don't mess with BPD. Ever. I'd go so far as to say it doesn't matter if they have medication or counseling. There is a stable person out there for you. You don't have to deal with madness.
The only way we can ever solve anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy
2014/02/13 20:09:33
Subject: Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
If you believe that you are BPD then an internet diagnosis will not aid the matter. It may be better if you speak with someone who has the qualifications and experience to diagnose you, and start a treatment plan.
2014/02/14 13:46:36
Subject: Would you get into a relationship with someone who has BPD?
Rismonite wrote: Borderline personality disorder. Would you? Have you ever dated anyone with it?
Self diagnosed or medically diagnosed by a doctor?
Self Diagnosed? No. Anyone that self diagnoses anything, be it a personality disorder, dyslexia, or depression is either an attention whore or looking for a ready made excuse to continue their deplorable behavior. "I post poorly because I have dyslexia. I'm sure of it!" Did a doctor tell you that? No? Then you're lazy and want the rest of us to put up with your crap so you don't have to show us the respect we show each other. (Sorry for the rant. Pet Peeve)
Diagnosed by a doctor? It depends on the disorder and the severity.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/02/14 13:46:53
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