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 Artorias the Abysswalker wrote:
I just don't know what to do.

Do you just want some casual sex and don't care if the whole thing explodes in a giant ball of drama? Go for it. Do you want a happy long-term relationship and the ability to stay friends with her if it doesn't work out? The phrase "wouldn't touch it with someone else's ten foot pole" comes to mind. You have two big problems in that kind of situation:

1) Too much potential for drama. Recovering from the end of a relationship takes time, especially if it was an ugly end. You'd be jumping right into the middle of that, probably while she still has unresolved feelings for the ex and maybe for this other new guy. And then you can add in all the potential awkwardness of starting a relationship with someone you've known for a long time, if the interest is even mutual. Do you really want to deal with all of that?

2) People who cheat tend to do it again. "Don't get involved with cheaters" is a pretty good rule. Yeah, insert disclaimer about "arm around her" not being the same as actual cheating, open relationships, etc, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're reading the situation correctly. If she's willing to cheat (or at least push the boundaries) with someone else then it's a safe bet she would be willing to do it in a relationship with you.

I guess, plus For your first statement peregrine, it was the latter (long-term relationship). It's just I've never met someone who was so similar to me.

 OIIIIIIO wrote:
If you let it go and concentrate on getting educated ( I gathered you are in college, could be wrong) then it will happen while your attention is elsewhere.

Except when it does not.

 OIIIIIIO wrote:
If you let it go and concentrate on getting educated ( I gathered you are in college, could be wrong) then it will happen while your attention is elsewhere.

Yeah I remember being sequestered in the CS department at the university I went to, and it'd sometimes be days before I saw women.

 Artorias the Abysswalker wrote:
I guess, plus For your first statement peregrine, it was the latter (long-term relationship). It's just I've never met someone who was so similar to me.

Then wait, Peregrine is right that wading in during the end of someones relationship is no way to start your own, not only that if she's going through something rough it's on you as a friend to be a friend during that time without looking to further your own agenda. Also from personal experience if two people are in a fight and you end up chipping in, when they end up making up suddenly you're the badguy, not fun.

HotSauceMan1-

I kind of agree that you need to spend sometime working on yourself. However, I don't think it is the physical that you need to focus on. I have been a member of this OT group for a while, and have seen and read a lot of your posts. I will never forget the epic, "I'm stuck on a train thread" That one really amused me.

Here is what I honestly think HotSauceMan. You need to spend some time really digging into yourself psychologically and emotionally. You need to figure out some of the following:

1. What do you care about as a person
2. What makes you feel valued?
3. Why do you do the things you do?
4. What do you want to accomplish?

So basically find out who you are as a person and what makes you tick. It is hard, takes time, and requires a lot of self-reflection.

Im actually doing that alot right now. I had a meeting with the head of the dorms....
Apparently im not a nice person when im drinking and i can be rude and insulting....
Im going through a process of self-reflection right now

Yeah, rude and insulting would not be a bonus in this case.

Also, in my case guys, I know the dangers of jumping in on the strands of an old relationship. I meant, that given with time, when she'll be looking for a guy, providing that I'll still be in this country then maybe.

You see that's my biggest problem
1. I'm not 100% sure which university I'm going off to
2. I'm not 100% sure in which city I'll get a job in
3. I'm not 100% sure in which country in Europe I'll spend the rest of my life in.

My life situation is complicated. I was born in Moldova, but we left and I've lived in Northern Ireland for 10 years. I can't go back home due to missing most of the education needed (which is a state obligation) and the financial state of the country - meaning the only jobs which will get you money are in medicine, dentistry, law or politics, none of which I can apply to. Plus I've alienated myself quite badly with my home country.

I can't stay in Northern Ireland either, because the weather is off-putting and the people are just too...different (sometimes in a bad way). I hope to study in Germany/Switzerland/Austria/Belgium, as I know both french and german well. My parents are of differing opinions of where I should end up, so I'm desperately confused myself.

Going back to this, for the 10 years in Northern Ireland, there have been cases where a few nice girls have made advance, and I could have taken it further, but I refused on 3 occasions, due to the reasons stated above. It's just I want to have a lasting relationship with someone nice, but my personal situation hampers me greatly. I'm comely enough as a person, neither am I vain or selfish. Getting a girl, I believe is not the problem - the problem is who, where and when.

Can you guys give me some advice?

 Artorias the Abysswalker wrote:
Can you guys give me some advice?

Stop waiting until everything is absolutely 100% perfect because it's never going to be perfect. You're always going to be able to think of some kind of uncertainty about life and use that as an excuse. If someone expresses interest and you think you might be attracted to them then say yes and see where it goes. There are three possible outcomes of that:

1) The relationship doesn't work out for reasons completely independent of your uncertainty (personalities don't go well together, no physical attraction, etc).

2) It goes well but not well enough to work as a long-distance relationship. You have some good times, gain valuable life experience, and then move on to whatever comes next.

3) It goes very well and you both make your "where will I live" choices to stay together.

A relationship isn't automatically a failure just because you don't get married, raise a family, and stay together until you die. Take the opportunities you get and worry about what happens next when you get to that point. Despite what some religious extremists claim you aren't damaged goods and doomed to failure if your first attempt at dating doesn't end in marriage.

Alright. I'll see

So, it turns out she was already home by the time she got my message and didnt respond....if that is true.
She waited outside to talk to me and tell me that after the test and we talked.
IDK guys, she seems nice but out of my league and i may be reading into things not there.....IDK. I like her...

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
So, it turns out she was already home by the time she got my message and didnt respond....if that is true.
She waited outside to talk to me and tell me that after the test and we talked.
IDK guys, she seems nice but out of my league and i may be reading into things not there.....IDK. I like her...

The person who decides if you are out of her league is her. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Don’t give up because the risk of failure. etc. etc.

If you like her, and think she likes you, give it a shot. Relationships are not easy, they take work. Put some in.

And good luck!

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
So, it turns out she was already home by the time she got my message and didnt respond....if that is true.
She waited outside to talk to me and tell me that after the test and we talked.
IDK guys, she seems nice but out of my league and i may be reading into things not there.....IDK. I like her...

Positives, she waited to talk to you. If she didn't actually care about how you felt, she wouldn't have bothered talking to you. However, she did care how you felt and how you percieved her missing the study practice. Granted as far as excuses go, that one is pretty weak.

How did you play your side of the conversation? What did you say and what was your body language? How about her? What was her body language like?

Something like 70% of a conversation is the body language, 20% is how you say things, and 10% is actually what you say.

Moslty just the test we just go out of, and the test we have Tomorrow. Slot of her language was smiling and laughing. IM not sure about mine

 hotsauceman1 wrote:

IDK guys, she seems nice but out of my league and i may be reading into things not there

Never ever worry about the whole "out of your league thing", if you like her, and she likes you, you're set.

 Cothonian wrote:

 hotsauceman1 wrote:

IDK guys, she seems nice but out of my league and i may be reading into things not there

Never ever worry about the whole "out of your league thing", if you like her, and she likes you, you're set.

This, the league stuff is all highschool crap at best.

So, just ask to get together again.

Be specific in your plans, and make them interesting.

Like what? Go to dinner? Go for coffee?

I'd say start off small. Don't do dinner just yet but a movie or coffee is fine. If you do decide to eat out try going to somewhere lunch type restaurant like 'denny's' or something. This is just my opinion here though.

Well, everyone sys movies are bad first dates.

Movies are bad first dates. They're good for a bit later on, but at the start you're trying to get that connection going more and it doesn't seem to work as well while watching a movie as it would even just chatting while randomly wandering around a city or such.

Ok, so I didn't do it today.......but I'm going home this weekend so I didn't want to ask for next week, but next Monday I will. I noticed something, she always initiates the conversations with me. And it is never just, inane stuff like what happened is class. But stuff to get a conversation going like if we declared are major.......we both have the same plan for a thesis too.
I'm going to do it, I think she likes me.

Well I ended it today. not sure how I feel about that. sad, I suppose. but happy, too.

 hotsauceman1 wrote:
Well, everyone sys movies are bad first dates.

They are terrible.

You on a college campus. Frequently on College campus there are aspiring actors, dancers, performers, etc. They are part of the major and perform at the college theatre. As a student of the college you can get discount or free tickets to some of these events.

Pick one that you would normally never attend. Go to her and say something like:

"Hey, I have never been to a(n) X. I have no idea what to expect; it maybe great or it maybe terrible; we'll have to see. Let's go on Tuesday night at 7 or Thursday at 9 and see which it is. Since it is a risk, I'll buy the tickets."

Then wait and see her response. Do not be the first person to talk after your opening move.

Now, if we really want to get analytical, I could break this approach down almost word by word and tell you why it is a good way to go. However, I will spare you the details.

So had a really good match back in November last year. We got on real well but training and a 5 week holiday got in the way of actually meeting. We chatted the entire time, exchanged photos, etc. Finally got back to the UK two weeks ago and asked her out three times. But she's always busy. Way I see it if you think you like someone you make time. Even for a half hour coffee! Writing is on the wall unfortunately. So initiating silent mode today with her for now. Little peeved but whatchagonnado? I usually don't add people on FB before meeting, but we did it. Should I take her off or wait and see?

Anyway, started the trusty old Tinder up again a few days ago and got a good match. Hot and hit it off easily. Only thing is she has a two year old kid. These are uncharted waters for me. I'm just looking to meet Yorkshire ladies really, see where it goes, but I'm not sure about taking this one further. What are people's thoughts on seeing someone with a kid? I don't have any myself (not that I know about anyway!)

 Barksdale wrote:
But she's always busy. Way I see it if you think you like someone you make time. Even for a half hour coffee!

I feel the same way. You make time if you care enough about somebody. If you don't then you don't even if you're always busy. If she really wanted to do it and was always busy she'd make you first priority somehow.

 Barksdale wrote:
What are people's thoughts on seeing someone with a kid?

Depends on what you're looking for. If all you're interested in is casual sex/dating then the kid shouldn't be much of an issue. Having to find someone to take care of the kid will probably be a scheduling issue, but other than that you might not even be aware that the kid exists. But if you're looking for something more then you'll need to give some serious thought to whether you want to make this kid part of your family. And that's a question nobody can answer for you.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 flamingkillamajig wrote:
I feel the same way. You make time if you care enough about somebody. If you don't then you don't even if you're always busy. If she really wanted to do it and was always busy she'd make you first priority somehow.

Let's keep this in perspective, they never actually met and that automatically puts him well down the priority scale. Even if she's still interested I doubt a date with a random new person is going to take priority over existing friends, family, etc. Not being the first priority isn't an automatic sign of failure, what matters is whether or not the other person is making a sincere effort to find some time when it's available. Are they legitimately busy and having trouble finding time for everything they want to do, or is "sorry, I'm really busy right now" a polite way of saying "I'm not interested anymore"? Do they ever propose any alternate times/activities, or do they just say "busy" every time you suggest something? Do they continue having a two-way conversation online, or do they respond with one-word answers and do the bare minimum to avoid openly saying "STFU I'm not interested in you"?

There is a definite two way conversation even exchanging photos still. When she says she is busy she does explain what she is actually busy doing. Still, there is no attempt at alternate dates and times and I can't help but feel that her interest just isn't as it was. Maybe I'm just looking too much into it, I don't know. Anyway, op go silent has commenced as I've asked her out three weekends in a row with no success. The ball is in her court.

Regarding Kids:

I hat eto say it, but as you get older a lot of the people worth dating will already have had a kid/divorce in their past. Divorce isn;t a huge deal, but kids are harder.

My advice is to stay away from the kids until you know it is something that you want to pursue seriously. Once they get involved, if you break-up you are breaking three (or more) hearts instead of just two.

Don't demand to be part of the kids life and let it flow naturally. The other person has to decide when they are ready to let you into their kid's life, not yuou. Don't push it too hard.

Just some thoughts. I personally have never been in this situation, only observed it from the outside.

I have seen it from the inside, because I have been that kid.

My mother's new husband is a person I arguably find nicer than my actual father.

It's not only a bad thing.