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So I haven't done one of these parody threads in a while. When Age of Sigmar came out I basically concluded I couldn't top it.

But with the Deathwatch coming I think it's time again.

1-Skullmonger Deathbringers will be able to use Reaper Bolts as well as the usual Hunter and Viper Bolts. However Bloodsaber Slaymasters may only use Fang and Talon bolts unless the Exaulted Slaysage is upgraded to an Anointed Murdersavant in which case they may also use Spike Bolts.

2-The new flier, the Starfire Tombraiser transport, can be equipped with 2 Temporal Annihilators or 6 Luminous Plasmapurifiers. The kit can also be built as a Doomflame Cryptburner gunship but most people will instead opt for Forgeworld's Boneshatter Gravebringer which doesn't look quite as silly.

3-The fluff will incorporate the background developed for the best-selling Deathwatch RPG and integrate it... No. I can't even write that in jest. It's gonna ignore that @#$%. In fact there will be a full page painting of a DW marine peeing on the RPG while gunning down fans and screaming "@#$% you! No 3rd party fluff!".

4-Deathwatch will now be silver with one black sleeve, because @#$% you if you already painted a DW army.

5-Deathwatch cannot ally with Necrons unless part of Blood Angel force. They can ally with Jokero and Vampire Intelligences. Grynx will be a troop choice.

6-In the timeline it will say the DW managed to completely extinguish the Eldar in M37. The editors won't catch this because let's face no one reads that #$^#.

7-The arch rivals Brother Timex and Casio will be available as special characters, as will Lord Rolex, the Grand Illuminated Mortis Monarch.

8-Artemis will finish transitioning.

9-Your $50 book will be completely usable this time 2017 when 8th edition drops. Really. Totally.

10-There will be a free downloadable app that allows you to write army lists and... Nah. I can't even joke about it. Everyone knows the internet is just a fad.

Deathwatch Devastator Squads will be able to use any Xenos weapon including D-Scythes.

The Deathwatch Flyer will be AV 13 all around and have a special rule called Undetected that effectively makes it under the effect of Invisibility at all times. It's weaponry includes the Rift Cannon from the Dark Talon and twin-linked Avenger Mega Bolters on the wings.

The Deathwatch Codex will just be Codex: Space Marines with different art.

The Deathwatch release will be the first 40k release in the new and improved 54mm scale, Artemis is just a re-release of the classical Inqusitor model in plastic. All new releases from then on are in 54mm. Battle scale stays the same. Battles will be fought on the whole floor of the room, campaigns will require a multi-room apartment/house.

The Deathwatch Upgrade sprue will include lots of Ultramarine icons, you need always more of them.

The 5-man Deathwatch squad in the box is Squad Donatus from Deatwatch: Overkill, not new sculpts and certainly not multi-pose.

My best friend, and maid of honour at my wedding, Mat Ward, told me on MSN that there will be a monstrous creature Deathwatch Space Marine called The Watcher of Death with S10 T10 W6 armed with five D-cannons (but can only fire two) and can teleport around the battlefield and automatically rolls high enough to charge, even when out of range.

Brother Galeron will enter a Craftword to win a bet. His DW captain told me!

Wait, wrong kind of rumour

actually I'd not be SUPRISED to see some mild referance to the RPG. it'd not be the first time GW did that. or did you miss they refered to the Achillis Crusade in the space marines dex?

BrianDavion wrote:
actually I'd not be SUPRISED to see some mild referance to the RPG. it'd not be the first time GW did that. or did you miss they refered to the Achillis Crusade in the space marines dex?

That's cool. S'long as you're fine with the rest of the stuff.

17-Loathingaxe Exterminationartistes will be able to upgrade their Electroflame Chainglaives to Vorpraltoxin Powernunchucks for just 3 points provided the army has a Deathgaze Corpsewatcher or Killglance Gravedigger as HQ!

New Finecast™ kit for a unit called "Doomriders", the very elite of the elite of the elite of the Imperium's elite fighting forces who ride to battle on defeated Avatars of Khaine. They are immune to flame weapons, melta weapons and valid complaints about their fluff and crunch.

There will be a named character for the unit called Brother Sergeant Roman-Name who wields dual twin-linked grav-plasma combi pistols and rides to battle on the Avatar that Chapter Master Calgar himself once punched in the chest whilst kneeling! He has a unique special rule where he gets to be the coolest marine in the fluff except for any named Ultramarines but it's ok because he is an Ultramarine and is secretly loyal to Calgar above the Inquisition.

Deathwatch Grand Captain Ultracius, of the Ultramarines Chapter, will be introduced in a short story called "The Codex Deathwatch supports this action".

Ultracius is a famed Ultramarine 1st company captain who became so good at hunting xenos that, at the age of 1,200, he was made a Deathwatch Grand Captain. He left his duties as an Ultramarine behind (with Calgar's blessing) in order to become Death Incarnate!

Outranking all other Deathwatch marines, and having power on par with an Ordo Xenos Inquisitor, Ultracius has forged a legend across the stars. Following the tenets of the Codex Astartes, he has shown all Deathwatch marines how to better themselves in the art of xenos killing.

Deathwatch proof read and edited the official Codex Astartes and the real Codex is in their vault.

Legion of the Damned are pets of Deathwatch who keep getting off their Warp Leash.

 Selym wrote:
Deathwatch Grand Captain Ultracius, of the Ultramarines Chapter, will be introduced in a short story called "The Codex Deathwatch supports this action".

Ultracius is a famed Ultramarine 1st company captain who became so good at hunting xenos that, at the age of 1,200, he was made a Deathwatch Grand Captain. He left his duties as an Ultramarine behind (with Calgar's blessing) in order to become Death Incarnate!

Outranking all other Deathwatch marines, and having power on par with an Ordo Xenos Inquisitor, Ultracius has forged a legend across the stars. Following the tenets of the Codex Astartes, he has shown all Deathwatch marines how to better themselves in the art of xenos killing.

Breaking News:

Ultracius was at one point nominated for High Lord of Terra to represent the Ordo Xenos, but he turned it down to focus on his duties killing xenos. He was also recognised as a great warrior from birth, as he could fence like a master from the age of two, and was a tactical prodigy.

28. In DeathWatch, The Codex, you can take an Ork Warboss for your HQ!

29. In DeathWatch, The Codex, if you kill an alien Warlord with your Warlord, you have a chance of summoning Loken!

30. In DeathWatch, The Codex, if you take IG allies and table you're opponent, and IF your opponent had any Xenos, you then have to kill your own IG allies so that they don't spread the taint of the Xenos scum!

All Deathwatch forces are Battle Brothers with everything except Chaos Daemons and CSM as they are willing to use any methods necessary to complete their objective.

A Kill team made up entirely of Blood Ravens may, upon moving into contact with a mission objective, elect to move that objective with them in subsequent movement phases.

If a Kill team contains both a Dark Angel and a Space Wolf, you may re-roll failed morale tests if you act out witty banter between them, minimum 1 quip apiece.

If a Kill team contains an Ultramarine, they are automatically placed in a command role. Increase their leadership and assign wargear accordingly.

If a Kill team consists solely of Imperial Fists and their successors it gains the Manly! rule. Toughness tests are passed automatically and each brother gains the chapter tactics of the others in an attempt to not be outdone.

The new deatwatch flyer will feature a pair of Mega-Ultra Revengifier Turbo Typhoon bolters, Which are similar to Hurricane bolters, but strength five with fifty-seven twinlinked shots each. The body of the plane is half a meter cubed in volume, the wings are 1" x 1" right triangles.

37. If a kill team contains a Librarian and a Black Templar, then the Librarian gains a wound and the Black Templar loses d3 leadership.

The new deathwatch units all come with Rosariuses because an army of named characters in power armor have to have it. You will be able to purchase a banner for 10 points that gives the entire army +1 invul save, FNP, and eternal warrior. Any psykers will be able to buy a "reading glasses" upgrade which lets them re-roll any amount of dice 2ce to manifest psychic powers, reoll 2ce which powers they get, as well as +1 bs for the ocular enhancement. for 15 pts per model
the devastator type marines will come stock with upgraded grav- suspensors, which give them the fast-jetbike unit type, which lets them shoot all their weapons as twin linked if the moved. They can take a "predictive machine spirit" for 10 points which lets them ignore cover saves and line of sight

If a kill team contains a Black Templar and a Librarian, the Black Templar, whenever possible, must move into assault with the Librarian. When doing so, he gains Hatred, Rage, Fearless, and Preferred Enemy (Psykers).

For every Black Shield in your army, you may spend 2 minutes explaining to your opponent their mysterious past, hinting, but never confirming that they are in fact traitor legionnaires who repented. If you outright state that any Black shield was a traitor, that model must make an armour save before the game begins.

One time the Deathwatch Supreme Grand Chapter Master, Watchcommander Dalkor Clubber Liang, alone and unaided, electooed his predecessor's name on the Dragon of Mars' posterior necrodermis. Now he resides in the Infinity Circuit where he punches every Eldar Avatar to death 3 times a day every day and occasionally returns to Realspace to lead his chapter in battle at the helm of his gargantuan Wraithdreadknightide, Mattrix Warden, which is quite braggable.

40k is ending and we'll get Primarch models.

In the codex we'll get a version of Tigrus that faced the Swarm Lord. In the lore he beat the swarm lord then carved Roboute Gulliman's name into it's heart and etched the words into the Swarm Lord's mind so that every time it reincarnates it would remember their primarch's name.

In-game he has a psychic power that, if it causes a wound to a Synapse Creature, it causes every other tyranid within synapse range of that creature to also suffer a wound. "Hive Mind Feedback" Costs 1 Warp Charge.

Then there will be a time where a squad of Crimson Fists paired up with a squad of Iron Warriors to take out an encampment of Orks that they both hated. Once the battle was over they saluted each other and went their separate ways.

And there will be a special Auspex called the "Undying Observer" that ignores all cover saves and goes through Invisibility. And another item that completely ignores Marker Light Counters.

 casvalremdeikun wrote:
The Deathwatch Codex will just be Codex: Space Marines with different art.

It will be as "different" as 20 minutes with the MS paint fill tool can make the artwork before they get bored and knock off to get some beers.

Faction wide rule:

The Exterminatus Matrix: if a unit from Codex: Deathwatch is removed from play as a casualty, instantly remove the unit that killed it from play as well unless it is also from Codex: Deathwatch.

something something anti-xenos dead man's switch

They talked to FFG about balancing the DW and FFG made it so a single DW marine can take down a Heriophant Biotitan with a heavy bolter.

If a heavy bolter will kill you, you don't even want to know what their special weapons do. When a DW grav gun hits your model it is actually destroyed. That's one of their weakest most balanced weapons.

All 11 Special Characters from the Deathwatch Game will be special characters in the Deathwatch Codex, and all of them will be available separately in clam packs MSRP $30 each, except for the White Scars Biker, who will be in a box MSRP $35

The White Scars biker will be more expensive, due to his privilege being checked.

Meanwhile, Anita Sarkeesian (google her) has been hired to write all Deathwatch fluff from now on.

This Kill Team will have the most powerful psycher from the Black Templars.

The codex will be given free to everyone.

This will be the most horde army for all of the Space Marines.

DW is being changed in the fluff from Ordo Xenos to Ordo Hereticus. All DW units will have Preferred Enemy AND Preferred Enemy (Chaos Space Marine) these stack so that a DW unit who rolls a "1" to hit or wound a CSM, then another "1" on the reroll may reroll their reroll.

When playing in your local GW or FLGS if your opponent has a body odour similar to that of an Ork you may shout "SUFFER NOT THE XENOS" and punch your opponent in the face. All models in your army with faction Deathwatch immediately gain a 3++. If after shouting the aforementioned litany of hatred you hit your opponent with a Dreadsock all faction Deathwatch models immediately receive a 2++ instead of a 3++.

P.S. this is purely made up clickbait and I do not condone violence in any shape or form.