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 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Well, at least the ick is now justified!

They Live

Rowdy Roddy Piper’s finest moment, in a sci-fi classic from John Carpenter.

It….it puts me in mind of something…..

Also, just noticed that one of the Guard’s radio is in fact a PKE Meter from Ghostbusters. So that’s a nice observation to make, isn’t it?

Just put on the sunglasses, will ya?

That film rocks so hard.

Jurassic World Dominion

So after Rebirth was surprisingly okay, I figured feth it. Let's watch the 1 movie in the franchise I haven't seen.

And I wish I hadn't

This movie is so fething stupid. So so so so very fething stupid, and that's before I get into the technical critique that it plays like 2 entirely different movies someone at corporate decided should just be 1 movie, even though the two scripts they're splicing together prevent either from functioning even as a bad movie.

"We can't let anyone find out we're behind these genetically engineered super locusts with prehistoric DNA that are eating all the crops that aren't ours! Everyone will come for us!"

You don't say? Then why the feth are you doing it, you chucklefuck? The movie almost manages to make this work by presenting the big bad as legitimately being just completely incompetent and kind of stupid, except he's too incompetent and too stupid to believably have gotten as far as he has. I completely agree with him. Once this genetically engineered locust with dino DNA in it eats every crop that isn't from your company, a company that happens to have a monopoly on dino DNA coincidentally, everyone will come for you before they starve and your plan makes absolutely no sense! You can't win with this scheme. This scheme is so unbelievably, ungodly stupid and there's not even much dinosaur munching people action to even make up for it. What little there is consists of incoherent Michael Bay set pieces where no names run screaming and maybe die? IDK. It's all kind of hard to follow because it really feels like they spliced two movies together and maybe confused some of the parts while they were at it.

The stupid keeps piling up.

Ian Malcom is obviously working against you. Why did you hire him and bring him anywhere near anything important? Half the plot runs on these kinds of contrivances and when it doesn't run on contrivance it runs on coincidence. Convenient you run into the exact 1 and only person in this whole place who can help you. This happens twice in this movie. Twice!

I will also stand up and contend; this movie makes no real attempt to even remotely explain why it even wants Maise or Blue's baby. Like it just vaguely posits that 'she's the solution' and I can't fathom what the solution will be or why it's worth so much to a company that has through sheer idiocy managed to bring about the downfall of all its competitors but never realized they were the fuckups somehow (see my review of Camp Cretacious for how the series makes this movie even dumber). It makes no sense. The movie never explains it. But by god, the villain has to involve (half) of the heroes for 'some reason' or they'll never get involved in stopping his nefarious plot.

This movie is so stupid.

But not you Beta! You're adorable you little murder machine. You're a good raptor! Yes you are! Yes your are!

 LordofHats wrote:
Jurassic World Dominion

Spoiler:

So after Rebirth was surprisingly okay, I figured feth it. Let's watch the 1 movie in the franchise I haven't seen.

And I wish I hadn't

This movie is so fething stupid. So so so so very fething stupid, and that's before I get into the technical critique that it plays like 2 entirely different movies someone at corporate decided should just be 1 movie, even though the two scripts they're splicing together prevent either from functioning even as a bad movie.

"We can't let anyone find out we're behind these genetically engineered super locusts with prehistoric DNA that are eating all the crops that aren't ours! Everyone will come for us!"

You don't say? Then why the feth are you doing it, you chucklefuck? The movie almost manages to make this work by presenting the big bad as legitimately being just completely incompetent and kind of stupid, except he's too incompetent and too stupid to believably have gotten as far as he has. I completely agree with him. Once this genetically engineered locust with dino DNA in it eats every crop that isn't from your company, a company that happens to have a monopoly on dino DNA coincidentally, everyone will come for you before they starve and your plan makes absolutely no sense! You can't win with this scheme. This scheme is so unbelievably, ungodly stupid and there's not even much dinosaur munching people action to even make up for it. What little there is consists of incoherent Michael Bay set pieces where no names run screaming and maybe die? IDK. It's all kind of hard to follow because it really feels like they spliced two movies together and maybe confused some of the parts while they were at it.

The stupid keeps piling up.

Ian Malcom is obviously working against you. Why did you hire him and bring him anywhere near anything important? Half the plot runs on these kinds of contrivances and when it doesn't run on contrivance it runs on coincidence. Convenient you run into the exact 1 and only person in this whole place who can help you. This happens twice in this movie. Twice!

I will also stand up and contend; this movie makes no real attempt to even remotely explain why it even wants Maise or Blue's baby. Like it just vaguely posits that 'she's the solution' and I can't fathom what the solution will be or why it's worth so much to a company that has through sheer idiocy managed to bring about the downfall of all its competitors but never realized they were the fuckups somehow (see my review of Camp Cretacious for how the series makes this movie even dumber). It makes no sense. The movie never explains it. But by god, the villain has to involve (half) of the heroes for 'some reason' or they'll never get involved in stopping his nefarious plot.

This movie is so stupid.

But not you Beta! You're adorable you little murder machine. You're a good raptor! Yes you are! Yes your are!

In Defense of “Jurassic World: Dominion”: A Glorious, Coherent Masterpiece of Dino-Driven Intelligence

My dear LoH,

I’ve read your review of Jurassic World: Dominion — or, as it shall henceforth be known in my household, “The Godfather Part II of genetically-enhanced prehistoric thrill rides” — and I must say: your entire critique is factually incorrect, emotionally suspect, and spiritually lacking in appreciation for cinematic genius.

Let’s begin with your first point: that the film is “so fething stupid.” I can only assume you meant “so fetching and superlative” and that autocorrect, in a fit of jealousy, betrayed you.

The Plot is Brilliant — You Just Don’t Understand Science

Ah yes, the “genetically engineered prehistoric locusts” storyline. You call it dumb. I call it bold ecological satire with the subtlety of a chainsaw to the frontal lobe. Do evil corporate plans need to make sense when the real goal is to demonstrate that unchecked capitalism, hubris, and poor hiring practices can still lead to dinosaur-filled underground black markets? No. They don’t. That’s the point.

Also, if you’re asking why a biotech company would do something that would obviously bring the wrath of the world down on them… have you met any real biotech companies lately?

Ian Malcolm and the Power of Poor Hiring Practices

You question why the villain hired Ian Malcolm. Simple: he's a chaos theorist. The man has leather jackets, glistening abs (probably still), and a talent for undermining authority with snarky monologues. If that’s not “high-risk, high-reward,” I don’t know what is. Also, every evil tech empire needs their token sexy philosopher. It's diversity hiring, just with more doom.

Coincidence? More Like Destiny

You scoff at the characters running into the exact person who can help them. That’s not bad writing. That’s fate. Haven’t you ever seen Star Wars? The Lord of the Rings? Real life? People run into helpful strangers all the time — especially when they’re being chased by feathered dinosaurs through a Mediterranean city like it’s Fast & Furious: Pterosaur Drift.

Maise and Beta Are the Emotional Core

Now let’s talk about Maisie and Beta. You ask why the company wants them. My friend, if you had a chance to own a tiny clone girl with scientifically unexplainable healing powers and a baby raptor trained by a man who literally whispers at dinosaurs… would you say no? No, you wouldn’t. That’s a billion-dollar mascot opportunity waiting to happen. Plush toys, cartoons, genetically-encoded NFTs — the possibilities are endless.

Also: Beta is perfect. I agree with you there. Beta deserves an Oscar and possibly her own miniseries on Disney+.

Final Thoughts

You say the movie “splices two films together.” That’s not a bug. That’s a feature. Why tell one story well when you can tell two barely-functional ones simultaneously and get twice the dinosaurs per minute?

In short: Jurassic World: Dominion is a towering achievement in chaotic storytelling, deeply intelligent nonsense, and very good dinosaur puppetry. It’s not stupid — it’s evolutionarily advanced cinema.

And the next time you want to call a movie “so fething stupid,” ask yourself: are you just afraid of brilliance with teeth?

Respectfully (and with a pack of locusts heading your way),
A Devoted Defender of Dominion

I suppose if you wanted to look at the movie as one giant on purpose gak on blockbuster film making, you can probably package it as a better movie XD

 LordofHats wrote:
I suppose if you wanted to look at the movie as one giant on purpose gak on blockbuster film making, you can probably package it as a better movie XD

That is my specialty. Much like Obi-Wan's ultimate cop-out (...from a certain point of view), I can write a positive review of any film, past or present.

 Lathe Biosas wrote:

 LordofHats wrote:
I suppose if you wanted to look at the movie as one giant on purpose gak on blockbuster film making, you can probably package it as a better movie XD

That is my specialty. Much like Obi-Wan's ultimate cop-out (...from a certain point of view), I can write a positive review of any film, past or present.

I challenge you to write a positive review of the Turkish Spider-Man movie. (look it up)
The best I can say about it? After you've seen this one, anytime someone claims "___ is the worst movie ever" you can honestly say "No, no it's not. I've seen worse."

Also, Jurassic World Dominion being two entirely unconnected films spliced together without regard for the end product is clearly a metacommentary on the corporations in the film series who do that splicing but with DNA.