Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you:
No adverts like this in the forums anymore.
Times and dates in your local timezone.
Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance.
Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely.
Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net.
If you are already a member then feel free to login now.
[DCM]
Chief Deputy Sub Assistant Trainee Squig Handling Intern
Situationally comedy you say??
Eh! Eh! EH LISTEN, LISTEN! Eh! Listen! Eh, eh!
D’you remember white dog turds? D’you? Remember? D’you remember dog turds? Eh? White ones? D’you remember, eh? Eh? Remember white Dog Turds? Back in the nineteen eiiiiighties? D’you remember that?
They’re all dead now, breaks yer ‘eart.
D’you remember broken ‘earts because something from the past is in the past? Eh? Eh? D’you remember? Break yet ‘eart, dunnit.
This post is sponsored by the Peter Kaye Remebrance Society.
D’you remember Peter Kaye? Eh? Remember ‘im? Fat lad, northern. Did stand up? You remember, don’t you madam? Eh, eh? He’d stand on t’stage, remembering things! Eeeeee ‘e were a laugh, eh?
Better than that Michale McIntyre, eh? Oh I see you know sir! Eh? Eh? Remember ‘im? ‘Ed just stand on stage noticing things and wobbling ‘is ‘ead!
WOT WUR WE THINKIN’????
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2025/09/20 16:05:50
Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?
☆
And why can’t you count on him to pick up the tab?
Because he’s always a little short.
☆
What do you get if you cross a bounty hunter with a tropical fruit?
Mango Fett.
☆
How does Wicket get around Endor?
Ewoks
Feel free to add your own jokes... because I have a near endless supply of Jokes... and I haven't even started on bar jokes.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2025/09/20 17:27:42
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
4 Catholic mother's were sitting around talking about their children.
Mom 1: My son became a priest, so everyone calls him Father.
Mom 2: My son became a Bishop, so says "Your Excellency" when they meet him.
Mom 3: Mine became a Cardinal so everyone addresses him, "Your Eminence" when they meet him.
The fourth mother calmly sips her tea and then say, "My son is 6' 2" tall, has a chiseled jaw line, has a rock hard physique, and works as an exotic dancer. Whenever people meet him, they say "My god!"
.... I will get my coat
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2025/09/29 20:56:12
Support Blood and Spectacles Publishing:
https://www.patreon.com/Bloodandspectaclespublishing
Cyel wrote: Are puns the only jokes nowadays? No situational comedy whatsoever? Absurdism maybe?
Mine was too spicy for dakka, and it’s expired now so isn’t as funny. I’m sorry!
Telling jokes that aren't funny haven't stopped me yet..
Speaking of which...
Q: Who is the most helpful Primarch?
A: Dorn's always willing to lend a hand.
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
Cyel wrote: Are puns the only jokes nowadays? No situational comedy whatsoever? Absurdism maybe?
As long as it isn't the Black and White Space Marine joke or any of its ilk, we will be OK.
Oh.... then you'll totally want to read what's in the Spoiler...
Spoiler:
This is a story about a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike.
There once was a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike, and being the hero type person he was, wanted to marry the Chapter Master's daughter.
So he went up to the palace and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?", to which he replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?" asked the guard, with a not inconsiderable amount of awe in his voice.
"Yes, I'm *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter," replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage."
The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III."
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast.
On his way into the palace the guard inquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass"
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later.
On his way into the palace the guard inquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike.
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" The commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace".
On his way out the guard once again asked "Who goes there"?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard inquired "who goes there?", to which he replied
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" Asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike and I want to marry your daughter" Replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike?"
"Yes, *the* Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike, can I marry your daughter now?"
"Sure."
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.
Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.
It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made at first to look like a dead end but is truly a turn in the hallway. They venture around this turn and into a great room.
In this room are torches. A sign just inside the room warns “He who lights this shall burn to death.” (In Egyptian hieroglyphs of course) The first friend takes a torch, and lights the end. The Friends venture through the room to another.
In this second room is a small lake, with a small canoe able to seat three. In the canoe is a paddle that reads, “He who uses this shall die a watery death.” The second friend takes this paddle and uses it to guide the three of them to the other side of the lake and through a third and final door.
In this last room is a great atrium, filled with heaps upon heaps of golden artifacts and jewels. The three friends rush in, and come to a golden sarcophagus. The third friend looks at it, and sees that it has the warning “The first man to touch this treasure shall die a most terrible death” written on its exterior. The third friend, giving the message no care, proceeds to pick up as much gold as he can. His friends quickly follow suit.
Many months later, after the friends had returned home with their loot and used it to live lucrative lives, the third friend received troubling news. The first friend had been sleeping when his mansion had caught fire and burned to the ground, killing him. Remembering the warning, he calls the second friend, but they both laugh it off.
A month later, the third friend is watching the news when a breaking story comes on. It is his second friend, who had been out on his yacht. The boat had unexplainably capsized, killing him. The third friend saw this and grew terribly fearful.
Assuming he had a month left before whatever horror would befall him, the third friend sold many of his belongings to afford the most secure underground bunker. He then used his remaining fortune to buy an incredibly high tech security system, cameras all over, and 30+ armed guards stationed at the entrance.
The third friend spent a month in the bunker.
30 days passed, and night was falling when the third friend look to the security cameras. Outside of the bunker, at the entrance, was an empty expanse of land, save one object. All the security guards were mysteriously gone, and just in frame was the silhouette of a sarcophagus. The third friend panicked.
Rushing to the door, he pushed all manners of furniture before it. A fridge, a bookshelf, his bed, a desk. But once he had placed the final barricade, a great pounding game to the door. Looking to security footage, the sarcophagus had begun to float, and was using itself as a battering ram. To the third friends horror, the door began to crack.
With a tremendous boom, the door and all the furniture was blasted away. The third friend screamed, as there in the doorway floated the sarcophagus. He ran through the bunker, stalked by the sarcophagus. The friend jumped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. There, he sat on the toilet and cried.
BOOM The sarcophagus was there, breaking through the bathroom door. The third friend panicked, running to the sink as the sarcophagus inched forward. The friend picked up a bottle of shampoo and through it. The sarcophagus kept coming. He threw a can of shaving cream. The sarcophagus was within 10 feet of him now. He threw a tube of toothpaste. The sarcophagus was within arms length. The friend made one final attempt, he reached into the cabinet, grabbed a plastic bottle, filled with a green liquid , and threw it. The sarcophagus fell to the ground and turned to dust.
The man marveled at this. Looking for the last thing he had thrown, he picked it up and thought, “All I had to do was take some NyQuil and the coffin would stop."
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
A Cameron Diaz.
My armies (re-counted and updated on 11/7/24, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~16000 Astra Militarum: ~1200 | Imperial Knights: ~2300 | Leagues of Votann: ~1300 | Tyranids: ~3400 | Stormcast Eternals: ~5000 | Kruleboyz: ~3500 | Lumineth Realm-Lords: ~700
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Board Games blog | Total models painted in 2024: 40 | Total models painted in 2025: 40 | Current main painting project: Tomb Kings
Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote: You need your bumps felt. With a patented, Grotsnik Corp Bump Feelerer 9,000.
The Grotsnik Corp Bump Feelerer 9,000. It only looks like several bricks crudely gaffer taped to a cricket bat.
Grotsnik Corp. Sorry, No Refunds.
I thought the Forum deserved some good jokes... when I couldn't find any I posted these:
1.
What do you get when you cross a mobster with a post-modernist?
Spoiler:
An offer you can't understand.
2.
What do we do with chemists when they die?
Spoiler:
We Barium.
3.
Why doesn't anyone take the death of physicists seriously?
Spoiler:
They never recognize the gravity of the situation.
4.
Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
Spoiler:
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
A tourist walks up to a local in downtown Camden and asks, “Does this road go to Bangor?”
Local replies, “No, Sir, this road stays right where it is.”
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
There are some old jokes from [foreign country] popping up in modern variations relevant to [your country/my country]. Since they work broadly anywhere and I don’t want to get political, I’ll use the generic form.
Why do [secret police] always send three men on a mission? Because they need one who can write, one who can read, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
A policeman seizes a protester holding a “Down with the Moron” sign. “You are under arrest for criticizing [leader]!” “But I didn’t! My sign doesn’t mention him at all!” “Don’t you lie. Everybody knows when you talk about a moron you’re talking about [leader].”
Every terrible wonderful Thanksgiving Joke I could find!
Q: Why did the turkey join a band?
A: Because it had the drumsticks!
Q: What do you call a running turkey?
A: Fast food.
Q: Why was the turkey arrested?
A: The police suspected "fowl" play.
Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
A: "Quack, quack, quack".
Q: Who isn't hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey — he's already stuffed.
Q: What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost?
A: A "poultry-geist".
Q: What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
A: Vegetarians.
Q: What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
A: "You wanna piece of me?"
Enjoy!
BorderCountess wrote: Just because you're doing something right doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're doing...
"Vulkan: There will be no Rad or Phosphex in my legion. We shall fight wars humanely. Some things should be left in the dark age." "Ferrus: Oh cool, when are you going to stop burning people to death?" "Vulkan: I do not understand the question."
– A conversation between the X and XVIII Primarchs
I'm absolutely useless at jokes, but I did use one against a supervisor that used to make my work life a living misery. This will sound completely bizarre, but one way was to reinforce their mental superiority upon us by telling excellent jokes on a very frequent basis - even when we clearly weren't in the mood for them. So I decided that instead of lashing out and regretting it, I would pick a joke and reherse it to the point where I didn't even have to think about it. Just had to wait until the right moment presented itself...
"I'm afraid I'm no good at telling jokes. I know a few but...well...somehow I always fumble it."
"Really? Well, go on then."
...so I told them the joke and lets just say they didn't like being taken off guard in front of everyone else. It didn't bring the house down with laughter, but going forward that supervisor gave me a wider berth and it was just enough pressure taken off that I could then turn up to work without further anxiety attacks. Thankfully no one knew where I got it from, nor the effort I went through to reherse it. Ask me about computer programming and I can easily talk non-stop for hours, but jokes are bloody hard to even get the first sentence out.
I'm afraid that Alan Moore isn't my cup of tea...but I would like to buy him a cup of tea for writing the joke that made my life easier...
Ultramarines, 3rd Co. and friends, 16k+ 
4k 
4k Points
Competition Index
~16000 Astra Militarum: 
~1200 | Imperial Knights: 
~2300 | Leagues of Votann: 
~1300 | Tyranids: 
~5000 | Kruleboyz: 
~3500 | Lumineth Realm-Lords: 
~700
~7510 build and painted
1312 build and painted
1200 
Cadre Coronal Afterglow w1;d0;l0 
6000 pts - Harlies: 1000 pts - 
1000 pts