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I just had to share this one....

A couple years ago, my Ex left me for another dude (one with two kids from different mothers, great swap ), married him, then shanghaied my now 5 YO son across the country to live with him in Oregon. (I'm in Virginia) Support has me poor enough that I cannot send for him, and she won't help with visitation expence, so I havent seen him in like 20 months. She doenst send pictures or anything. We're BARELY on speaking terms only so that I can get a little phone time in with him, and for the hopes that eventually I'll get some sort of regular visitation...but it doenst look good due to the high expense of travel cross country.

Basically, I hate her, but am civil for the sake of my son.

There's your groundwork.

Anyhoo, last month was my birthday, and this past fathers day, I received a package from my Ex. Inside was a birthday card from my son with a crayon signature from him....and a gift. A nice Metal replica of a movie poster that happens to be a movie that I really like. (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) Now, I know my son didnt pick this out....he barely knows me anymore due to the separation, so this is my Ex picking out the gift. Sort of strange?....It gets better.

Also in the package was another metal Movie poster. It was a classic Lucielle Ball movie poster, now, I'm not into Lucielle Ball, but (Get Ready) MY LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND IS, AND THE GIFT WAS ADDRESSED TO HER!!! W - T - F ! My girl says she would REALLY like this gift, but its so 'tainted' that it will probably never see display in our home.

Are we shallow for reacting this way? I've always thought the only 'gift' I would send my ex's new husband would be a bomb or a greeting card with some Anthrax, here is my Ex sending gifts from Azrael (my son) to both his father and his woman.


Tell me what you think....I'm concerned about what planet I'm on.

First up, as a side note. Sorry your getting shafted. Seen it happen a lot, court favoritism sucks.

That is weird... I am left almost speechless to that story. But I have to imagine them being in a store or something and both the posters being close together and your Ex not knowing what your son should get you. But then "hey a poster he'll like and a poster his woman will like... I guess that counts... kinda". And bam! some chef gets spices in your eyes and you end up with some posters from another dimension where someone else is controlling the vertical and horizontal.

I empathize with you, Deadshane1. I'm sitting here trying to come up with something fellow feeling to say, and I'm just getting angry and upset. My ex did something similiar relationship wise 4 years ago, but I had a good attorney and I got shared custody of my daughter and son. If she wanted to move away I could throw some serious roadblocks her way. The first time she strayed we tried to work things out, for a year in fact, then I caught her again. Fool me once...

My daughter is now almost 15 and my son turns 12 tomorrow. My ex is the primary household but I still get to see them as much as I or my kids like. Even so, I'm lucky I caught her before she could put her plan in motion and have me outdoors and penniless.

As far as the weird gifts go, I would tell your son on the phone that you received them and thank him for being thoughtful. Don't give anything of your suspicions away to your ex. I've always felt being polite and businesslike goes a long way towards reigning in peolple who want to mess with your head. I feel for your situation, and I hope you get to see more of your son in the future...

If gifts didn't have a psychological resonance, we wouldn't
bother with giving them.

If you're not comfortable displaying the gifts, then don't. If
your son asks about them when he's older, then explain the
idea to him. He'll understand if he cares at all that your pain
comes from the mess that keeps the two of you apart.

Just to illustrate the situation a bit better....I'm sure that my son has no concept of the gifts that were sent or even what he wrote on the card.

He's got extreme symptoms of ADD still not talking well at 5 years, and he's been away from me since he was 3 and a half.

I'm sure he barely remembers his father. The gifts may have been from him, but the gesture is from the ex...he cant possibly comprehend the purpose of what was sent.

It's not like he really sent me and my GF gifts....the ex did, for some reason.

To Deadshane1
That woman, sorry to say this, but that woman is not alright. It's almost like an unwritten rule that a mother NEVER leaves her child. My dad has been through the same experience, only my mom left for a man who had more money. She left in front of us, and she seemed to have absolutely NO problem with it. I hate her so much, she made my father cry, she made my sister cry, she burned my bridge with my uncle who I loved spending my time with. I can't go on, I'm starting to cry thinking about it...

That is a story of how cold people can be. If this is how marriages must end then f**k the life of a married man, if I want kids, I'll gladly adopt.

About those pictures, if you feel that you shouldn't put them up, then don't, nobody is forcing you.

To Krak_kirby
Ouch buddy, just ouch. I would snap if I ever caught my wife in a plan to kick me out. If you caught her doing this more than once, well I'd probably regret saying what I think you should do.

You misunderstand....she TOOK my son with her across the country.

I'd be fine with it if she would've just ditched and left me with him.

This is all pretty much academic at this point though....I've basically gotten used to the fact that I got jacked. I'm not happy with it, but I'm used to it...and her.

It's just the fact that she's sending gifts in my son's stead however. I didnt expect anything from him given his age, and SURELY didnt want anything from HER....and my GF is TOTALLY weirded out by it.

I'm sorry, I read that post wrong.

That's still pretty strange.

You know, DS1... it's a weird world we live in.

First, to address your post... it's possible he asked what you'd like and she told him.
I don't know for certain, of course....

Now, that being said...

There are places where a man can get free legal assistance. An internet search will likely turn some up for you.
Where child custody is concerned, the courts aren't what they used to be.

Certainly, they still favor the mother. If, however, one parent can show how it would be beneficial for the child to live with that parent, instead of the other, custody arrangements can always be changed.

If, for example, you got a lawyer & petitioned the courts for custody you could have a chance at winning if you did some of the following:

1) Offered to allow your Ex to have him for 2 months in the summer time, spring break and one of the 2 main holidays, alternating yearly (Christmas & Thanksgiving).
2) Additionally, you could offer weekend visits 2 weeks a month, if she wants them (Yes, I know she moved across country... but stay with me here ).
3) You offer to cover arifare for #1, above.

Now, of course, #2 almost doesn't matter. It's not like she's ever going to "drop in" from halfway across the country for a weekend visit. That doesn't matter, though. What it DOES is shows your intent to give your wife as much time with her son as she can possibly handle, short of her having full custody, while allowing you to be a part of his life and still see him for big events (Major holiday, birthdays, every other day that he isn't with her, etc.).

What that will do is show the court that you want the kid to have ample time with EACH parent. It's better for kids to have a lot of access to both of their parents, instead of living with one on one side of the US, and talking to the other on the phone on the other side.
This gives your son greater access to both parents... and the courts like that... a lot.
How do you pay for the airfare 3 times a year? That monthly Child Support check you get will help.


It worked for my brother.


Eric

Proof that truth is stranger than fiction. I mean, you just can't make crap like this up. Twilight Zone my hind-quarters; Rod Serling couldn't match something that weird. Part of the weirdness of it is that it is so (relatively speaking) small a thing. Did she have a penchant for REALLY subtle head games when y'all were together? I would think not, since if she had tried that special brand of strangeness before you would prob. have a bit more "Spidey sense tingling" sensation mixed in there with the "what in the name of 5 frozen hells?" you described.

My relationship with my wife got a lot better when I stopped trying to understand her. I treat her with dignity, respect; all the good stuff. But I just threw my hands in the air and stopped trying to understand what makes her tick. I know her major motivations, and that's enough. Result? I got a bit more alpha, she got a LOT more happy. Any of this any help to you? Nope, but I DO love a good ramble.

Anyway, I can only see 2 motivations that could make the Wicked Witch of the West Coast do something in this particular flavor of mondo bizzaro. A) laurel branch. B) spliting wedge. She could be trying to reach out to you for her own benefit or her sons. Or she may be trying to continue her disturbingly successful trend of gimping your mind a la pulp fiction.

And then I could just be way plain off base. No real way to know other than to ask her. Maybe enquire when you call to thank them as to how the gifts were selected? She can hardly say the tyke did it unless she just lives in Big Lie Fantasy Land, which she might.

Friend, I do not envy you this opponent. She plays for KEEPS, and she does it with little regard for anyone. Herself included, unless I miss my mark, and that just makes her extra special scary. She sounds built for Pyhrric victory when there's no need to fight even. Best of luck to you, and your boy.

She is playing games it seems to me.

Try to do what you can to see your Son more often.($$$'s are a real consideration I know mate)

There are better ways to deal with people like this, IMO.
It seems like she is playing the 'Head Feth' game.

She is looking for a reaction. Any reaction, as far as I can see.

Play her at her own game...

"Yes(insert name here)-I got the Card-but nothing else,-was there supposed to be something else as well?"

She will then start things.
1.Hassle the delivery Company(She wants to KNOW she pissed you off-and will go to great lengths to garner any reaction)

2. Turn her house upside down looking for them-as she really wants to know her "Psychological Arrow" hit the Mark.

3. Buy another set of the gifts-and resend.(And till the End of the world-no matter how many she sends...
"No(insert name here)-it still hasn't arrived yet-are you sure you have the right address?"

As far as I know mate, this is one of the very best ways to annoy those who are trying to hurt you. You only feed the joy if you worry about the 'intent' behind the Gift-this is the result she is looking for methinks.

They absolutely hate the idea that they missed a chance to hurt you.

Fight Ignorance/hostility with a "Huh?" attitude-freaks spiteful people out.

Peace out Sherriff.

Sell the gifts. Buy a plane/train/bus ticket. Visit your son, or have him come to you.

Nothing worse that being separated from your kid, or so I imagine. I hope I never have to find out.

I would suggest being courteous and gracious as much as it might hurt. Ultimately, the person who stands to be hurt the most is your son. Keep that in mind.

Don't play games with her, or let her play ones with you. Take her at her word/facevalue. Since there appears to be no alterior motive suggested, then don't look for one. If she's trying to send one, ignore it and play dumb. It was a nice gesture, accept it as such.

And kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Your son might not have known exactly what to get you and your better half, but he might have started with a similar idea and let it grow into the gifts it became.

If she takes care of your son, I would suggest you put up with any amount of BS so that he is raised in the best possible environment.

In closing, I'd recommend just playing nice.

You can spend a life time trying to figure out why things happen the way they do or you can work on trying to do something about them.

If you like the gifts and you can really view them as gifts from your son, then by all means, put them up somewhere. If you find that they are just reminders of your ex, then ditch them (or stash them away somewhere). Whatever you and your current are most comfortable with. Keep the card though.

As for how to react, two words. Chill Out. While you obviously have gone through a lot and have the scars to prove it, spending the rest of our life in hate and paranoia can't possibly lead to happiness. What might lead to happiness though is getting on better terms with the woman who currently has custody of your son. So perhaps you might want to take these as peace offering rather than some sort of cleverly disguised bomb. Some thoughtfulness did go into their selection. So, as with all thoughtful gifts, a “thank you” is in order (even if you are not really thankful for them). From the sound of things, I don’t know if I would trust you to do thanking via phone. Sometimes it’s hard to keep the bitterness and suspicion out of the conversation, but you would be a better judge of that then I could be. Regardless, it’s probably just easier to write up a thank you card and send it to them. Make sure you mention how much you and the current girlfriend (it’s important to mention both of you) like the gifts and you want to thank all 3 of them (it’s important to mention all 3, by name if you can work it out). The net effect of this is that it shows them that you are willing to be civil and return nice gestures. Heck, it will probably surprise her as much as she surprised you. Hopefully what it will start is the beginning of more civil interaction between you two which, in the end will mean that you’ll have easier access to your son.

That or you could just toss them and stay embroiled in suspicion. In which case, nothing changes. It’s up to you.