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Yaaaawwwwn! BLOOD FOR THE....

:fwip:

Shut up! You idiot.... Zzzzzzzzz

:whispers: sorry baby! I'm gonna put on the...

Abby! Its 7am! Let me sleep you buffoonzzzzzzzzzSNOREzzzzzzzzz....

:tiptoeing:

:kitchenscene: You know, being the favoured son of Horus was a pretty demanding job. Now that I'm the boss my responsibility has only increased. I'm a Working Chaos Champion and when I need to start my day early I can't wake up feeling like a Berzerker, unlike some people hey folks? Ha-ha!

:abbadonwinksatcamera:

:coffeeburbles:

:smells:

Ahhh! That is why I start my day with Fabius Brand....

I HEARD THAT CRACK ABOUT BERZERKERS YOU ARMLESS BOOB! SHUT THE HELL UP AND DRINK YOUR COFFEE ABBY!

:sadface: I hate it when she calls me that...

Morning at the Despoilers.

Sponsored by Fabius Brand Black Coffee! A Working Chaos Champions Coffee. Now available in two flavours! All of them at once, and new Red!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Well folks! Looks like our Dark Liege Abbadon the Despoiler will be sleeping on the couch tonight. Now over to Randy Arbuckle for the weather! Its you Randy.

Thanks Tim! Boy, that Abby! Can't even catch a break at home hey folks? Anyways today I have some baaaaaad news for you if you're planning on doing any warp travel near the Maelstrom. It looks like those insanity fronts we saw last week rolling in over the Plague Planet have finally collided with that nice cool Slaaneshi pressure pocket and boy howdy folks! Its a doozy. We're going live with Rhonda Scheersmit who is on location with an update. Rhonda.

Thanks Randy, you were right about Abby. I wonder how long Mrs. Despoiler is going to put up with that failure. Ha!

Whoa, Rhonda we're live! There's no edit!

What? Oh gak! I mean... Kids if you're watching at home, don't open the door for anybody okay? Mommy will be right there!

Um.....

:zzzzeeeeeeeeep:

Da da dun da! Technical Difficulty, please stand by! Woof woof!

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Da dun da da! Hey folks! Are you tired of the same old thing? Are you looking to spice things up? Could you use a little heat?

Oh yes Mr. Kharn! ...

Damned Slaaneshi whore! BLAM!

... In the kitchen. I meant in the kitchen. Jeez, Slaanesh! Where was I? Oh right. Are you tired of the same old...

... Kharn buddy we did that part alrea... BLAM!

RRRrAaaAAARRRHGHGHHH!!!! I know that we did that part I'm just saying what shows up on the gakking teleprompter!

Um... Okay sorry Mr. Kharn. Let's just take it from where you left off hey big guy?

Okay... Are you looking...

Kharn!

WHAT?!?!?!

We already... BBBZZZZRRRIPSLASH!MBIDIIRIMBIMBIM

... Oh that felt good. Can we just edit? Can we do that? Yeah. Its my name on the bottle isn't it? Kharn the Betrayers Marinade! Burn! Grill! Now available with cilantro... Wait...

Um... Whats up Kharn? Do you wanna take five? How about... BLAM!

Kharn does not take five.

Right, okay. Lots of vertical corporate movement here hey Mr. Kharn? Okay what's the problem? I know we got the label right this time, boy you made sure of that!

...

...

Kharn?

...

...

Mr. Kharn!

:rimbidibimbimbim:

You put cilantro in my hot sauce...

... Uh yeah Kharn, we talked about it at the last board meeting remember?

...

Kharn?

I remember that. I said I would burn entire world's if there was cilantro in my hot sauce. MY hot sauce...

Oh well gee buddy that's where we got mixed up. We thought you meant burn world's as in "hey guys, I'm so keen on this I could burn a planet". Like at Skalathrax!

...

BLAM!

... Skalathrax was different... :sniffles:

Da da dun da da! Kharn the Betrayers Marinade! Burn! Grill! (Cilantro flavour no longer available). Look for it in your local slaughtermarket in the condiments aisle!

How... interesting?

More to come?

:zzzzeeeeeeeeep:

....

:enigmaticmusic: ... Now set your oven to four hundred and fifty degrees Fahrenheit. Notice this is also the number of verses in the Screaming Canticle of Demonology as chronicled by our Lord and Primarch Lorgar the Unblessed Redeemer, the Dark Light, Whose Wickedness knows no boun.........

:zzzzeeeeeeeeep:

:romantictheme: .... Oh Huron!

Oh Cindy!

Oh Huron!

Oh Cindy!

:zzzzeeeeeeeeep:

Abbadon! What was that?

Oh? Huh, what's that babe? Oh just.... Um... Blood Bowl match!

Riiiiight.... Okay well since I can't trust you to do it I'll call the cable company right now. I'm blocking that channel.

Hey look, hon... I'm sorry I was just clicking through, you know that we don't get any good channels like we used to. I forgot when you told me last week. Honest.

You mean when I caught you last week? I swear honey I don't know how you ever got that nickname with a habit like that...

Honey! I told you that was just a Marine thing! We all had to do it, it was mandatory. I was at the head of my class! Top honors...

:mrsdespoilerlaughs: ... Abbadon, baby. Just stop okay. I love you so much ya big idiot.

Aaaaawwwww.... I love you too my little cyanide pill!

:hugs:

I'm still blocking that channel!

:everybodylaughs:

...
...


...
...

:zzzzeeeeeeeeep:

"I love you too my little cyanide pill"

Zeeeeeeeeep

...

Zzzzzzip

Zzzzzt

...

Mortarion: Magnus dude, the tube hasn't worked since the 'Trix. Give it up okay?

Magnus: Shut up. I wanna watch MATD.

Mort: That show sucked.

Mag:. Shut the feth up Morty! Your model sucks.

Mort: My model? What the feth are you talking..

Mag: SHUT THE feth UP MORTY!!!! It's working see...

Emperor: And here we'll paint a little aquila. Don't worry if you make a mistake, you can just turn your mistake into a happy little aquila...

Mort: Holy gak Magnus, it's Painting with Emperor, this show hasn't been on the air since...

Mag: Since Terra... Wow, look he is painting us! All of us! Holy gak Corvax looks so young.

Mort: Yeah, wow. So is this like a...

Mag: It's a latent effect of warp energies released during the Noctis Aeterna...

Mort: feth dude, just say Time Boogey. No one know what you're saying when you go off on that pysker gak.

Mag: Shut up Morty. Watch the damn show. I can't believe we're getting this clear a picture either.

Emps: Now when you do this blue, you have to get it just right because this Primarch is...

M&M: A Bitch! Bwahahahahahahaha!

Emps: The fur texture is easy to do, just a little stroke at a time like you're actually petting a wolf, a nice friendly wolf.

Mag: feth that guy though. Russ can get shaved by a screamer. Stupid...

Mort: Chill dude, just a painting. Besides, it's kinda nice to see the Old Man paint. It's good to see us all together ya know?

Mag:. Yeah, I guess so. Look at Dorns face, he looks like he's pooping!

Mort: Yeah Dorn always looked like that.

Emps: And there you have it. Now if you've followed my steps you should have pretty much the same result. If you think yours isn't so good, that's okay because you learned a lot didn't you? And we had fun together you and I. Join me next week and together we will paint my favourite Primarchs kicking the gak out of the sissy ones according to my plan to attain godhood. Well folks, have a wonderful day and thank you for watching Painting with Emperor.

Mag: Shut that gak off.

Mort:. Wow, what a prick. I'm so glad he didn't get custody.

Zeeeeeeeeep!



Automatically Appended Next Post:
Zzzzzt

Zzzzzzip

Zizzle...

Zzzzzt...ndy Arbuckle

Zzzzzzip

Zzzzzt

R-Randy Arbuckle with the weather. Over to you Randy.

Thanks Tim, wow what can I say? The Cicatrix Malediction seems to have sp...

Randy, no!

...awned a sort of Temporalalakabsbdbsooakabbzvgzguiknkoagubagubagubagubaguba glob blip splortch!

Oh feth, Randy? Randy?

Zeeeeeeeeep

...

...

Are you a go getter Chaos Champion looking for a job in a company with a lot of upward mobility? Then Chaos News Network wants you! We are currently hiring positions for head weatherman, on location reporter and let's face it folks some fresh goddamn writers. Things haven't been this stale since Jay Leno was on the air during the mythical period of Terra's ancient history. Please forward all resumes to CNN headquarters in the Eye of Terror, attention: Caroline Watkins. Applicants may only submit one resume per existence, no multiple embodiments of willpowers please. Lucius, we mean you. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming....


Zeeeeeeeeep!


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Zzzzzt...

Abby: Stupid pylons.... sniffle... Wish Mrs. Despoiler was here. Stupid Time Boogey...

GG: Hey there big guy!

Abby: Gloria Gaynor?! Oh my god and me without a crusade!

GG: You mean you without your arms, baby! Come on Abbadon my man? What's got you so down, come on tell Gloria all about it.

Abby: Oh wow, Gloria I don't even know where to start. I thought I had it all worked out. Smash the pylons, open the big Rift, let out all the warp demons, but I don't know. Mrs. Despoiler left me. I just wanted to take a little break after Cadia and she went ballistic, said this was just like all the other crusades and that I was never gonna live up to Horus's legacy. I think she was seeing Kharne on the side for awhile there.... sniffle...

GG: Hey! Come on sugar! You don't need her! Come on baby, get up Gloria knows what you need.

Abby: No, Gloria, that was a long time ago I can't...

GG: Get up here you big post human dummy! Or did you forget what Gloria taught you?

Abby: Oh alright! Give me a microphone!

GG: That's it hon! Just like in Memphis!!

Abby: Tennessee or Scabalaraxarus?

GG: Both!

:I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor starts to play:

Abby:. Start me off Gloria!

GG: At first I was afraid

Abby: I was petrified!

GG: Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

Abby: Then I spent so many night thinking how ya did me wrong

Both: And I grew strong and I learned how to conquer on!
So now you're back from outer space
And I teleport along and see you here
That smug look on your battle plate
I should have virus bombed that stupid place
I should have made you leave your carapace
If I'd have know for just one century
You'd be back with numarines

Go on now, go advancing off the table
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me
With heavy bolter fire?
Did you think I'd table?
Did you think I'd act like that fething guy?

GG: Sing it Abby!!!!

Abby: Oh no not I, I will survive! For as long as I know how to lo... Kill, I know I'll stay alive
Yeah I got all my life to live
I got all my crusades to...

GG: Stop!

:musicstops:

GG: For as long as you know how to what, Abbadon?

Abby: What?

GG: Oho! Say what again Abby. I dare you.

Abby: I'm sorry Gloria!

GG: You damn right you sorry boy! For as long as you know how to what? Why you singin the words wrong? Come on my main man! You can't just be hanging around after a battle like Cadia baby, you got ta capitalize! Now come on sugar, again from the top. You sing it right and you'll feel better. You with me?

Abby: Okay Gloria, you're right. Let's do this!

....


Zeeeeeeeeep!

Zeeeeeeeeep!

:90s theme music, cityscape at night, fade to title shot, pan across to Somex and Idaeus' New York apartment...

:Somex lounges on sofa, Idaeus is busy in the kitchen off screen.

I: (off cam, excited) Somex! Close your eyes!

(Somex sighs audibly and removes his helm and closes his eyes, enter Idaeus stage left bearing a platter on top of which rests a very fallen cake overladen with candles.)

I: Somex I'm so proud! In five centuries I've never even baked a cake before. (giggling, crosses to Somex and sets the platter on the coffee table) Open your eyes battle brother!

S: (opens eyes and looks at the shabby cake). Aren't you going to light the candles baby?

I: You're over ten thousand years old Somex, I'll need a flamer to light them all!

S: (laughing). You're right hon, we're not Salamanders! Ha! How many did you manage to get on there anyways?

I: (putting his hand to his visor, checking autosenses) Three hundred sixty seven, sir!

(Somex raises an eyebrow)

I: (sheepishly) Sorry baby, I know I know. Rank and honorifics only in bed or in battle. It's my old school training! They just pound that stuff into your heads, not like you nu... (appalled) Oh my Emperor Somex I didn't mean to say the N word! Not like you Primaris Marines. That's what I meant, I'm sorry I come from a...

S: (interrupting) An ancient Chapter, I know Idaeus, it's okay...

Zeep!

TV set: ...and now back to MATD!

Fabius Bile: What the hell are you doing here Huron? Don't you ever fething knock?

Huron: Dude, were you watching Somex & Idaeus?

F: No! Get out of my lab you cretin! I was watching MATD!

H: Dude you were totally watching Somex and Id! Ha, I am so telling all the guys next crusade! Wait til Kharn hears about this! Oh my god he is gonna lose it! You're sick Fabius! That show is the worst. Even our corpse god loving brothers think it's a blatant play on current events in the galaxy and a total cash grab by CNN.

F: Well I was only watching it to study those delectable numarines!

H: Dude, not cool. They're Primaris Marines. Leave the racism for the IoM.

F: Ugh. Sorry. They just made a comment on that in S & I actually, it was quite well writ...

H: Oh what the feth ever dude, my Hamadra can write more convincing social commentary! Both Somex and Idaeus are cookie cutter characters with no believable traits. And like, come on, Somex is cheating on Idaeus but Idaeus can't figure it out?

F: I haven't seen season three yet you fething dork! Spoilers, hello! Can you just leave me to my research?

H: Yeah okay douche darts. I'm telling you Fabius, I want my CSMs to get a good mutation next battle. I'm counting on you.

F: Then maybe you should learn how to roll dice like a not-pussy?

H: What the feth does that mean?

F: Yeah, whatever Blackheart. I'll have your serum ready by 2:30, just feth off. Noob.

H: Noob? Whatever, enjoy your bolter boys Fabulous.

F: It's Fabius you prick!

F: Stupid jerk. He is probably gonna go fap to pictures of Somex online....

Zeeeeeeeeep!

Somex on TV: But I am a Primaris Marine and above such temptation Idaeus. To you I will always be true...

Fabius: feth, I missed something good!

Zeeeeeeeeep!

Cocaine. a hell of a drug.

Hail Slaneesh.