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Ever wondered what traditions are common throughout the Imperium? No? Good, as that means you read today's Thought for the Day - "Ignorance Is The Shield of The Faithful." Anyhow, here's a new holiday tradition for every Imperial household, The Commissar on the Cabinet!

The Commissar on the Cabinet is a newly promulgated discipline from the Ecclesiarchy. Every day starting exactly one month before the Feast of the Emperor's Ascension, the head of each household shall place the miniature simulacrum of a Commissar on the primary household cabinet. Starting the discipline ahead of schedule is punishable by twenty years of service in the local Penitential Levy. Failure to start the discipline in a timely manner will warrant summary execution. Use of a trunk instead of a cabinet is punishable by 300 lashes from the Arc-Flail.

The Commissar on the Cabinet will monitor daily household activity for any sign of heresy or disloyalty. When heresy or disloyalty are found, the simulacrum will alert the nearest Arbiter for summary judgment and execution. Any attempt to conceal disloyalty or heresy from the Commissar on the Cabinet will result in summary execution. Tampering with the Commissar on the Cabinet in any manner will result in immediate judgment and the detonation of the melta charge inside the simulacrum. Parents are required to read nightly the Litany of Commissarial Surveillance to any children in the household in a somber and reverent manner. Do not taunt the Commissar on the Cabinet. Failure to comply with any of the above will result in being shot and sent to front lines of Vraks. All Glory to the Commissar on the Cabinet.

If the Commissar on the Cabinet starts to smoke or leak promethium from its tiny body, please report immediately to the nearest Arbiter for failure to properly maintain the simulacrum. Be sure that you have read and understood the maintenance information before opening the maintenance information folio. The Commissar on the Cabinet requires specialty tools for its maintenance. You have neither the required enlightenment nor security level from the Adeptus Mechanicus to use said specialty tools. Unauthorized ownership of said specialty tools will result in the entirety of the user's neighborhood population being rendered into atomantic reactor servitors. Any attempt to maintain the simulacrum with common tools is grounds for being branded a heretek and remanded to the Ordo Reductor for appropriate destruction.

Upon reaching the day of Feast of the Emperor's Ascension, the Commissar on the Cabinet will receive final orders based on the Imperial Tarot and proper surveillance data. Failure to provide proper surveillance data will result in being sent to the promethium mines. The Commissar on the Cabinet will receive said final orders and render a summary judgment. Families will be punished appropriately in time for the mandatory public celebrations of the Feast of the Emperor's Ascension. Please ensure that you have your current Certified License of Ownership for the Commissar on the Cabinet on your person upon attending the mandatory public celebrations. Note that the license expires at 0001hrs of the Feast of the Emperor's Ascension. Attempting to renew the license early will result in having two licenses, which is not allowed. The penalty for having two Certified Licenses of Ownership for the same Commissar on the Cabinet is punishable by summary execution. As the Feast of the Emperor's Ascension is an Imperial Holiday, the License Renewal Office is closed. Failure to renew your license before the Feast of the Emperor's Ascension is punishable by transference to the Penitential Levy for 100 years.

Please enjoy the cold, calculating stare of the Commissar on the Cabinet this holiday season. Remember: Everything the Commissar Sees, The Emperor Knows. Do Not Fail the Commissar.

Do not read this sentence. Failure to comply will result in summary execution.

Not to be confused with the Commissar in the Closet, which is a very different product.

I came in thinking this was going to be a political story, and was very pleasantly proven wrong. Bravo.

"The Commissar in the Closet?" Hmm...

Lord-Commissar Yarrick: "Oh, Caiphas!"

Commissar Cain: "Oh, Sir!"

Colour-Sergeant Takei: "Oh, MY!"

...I don't think my username has ever been so appropriate and inappropriate at exactly the same time.

Happy to be of service?

My inner heretic loled at this. Good work

Read this ages ago but forgot to come back and comment, until now. Loved it. Something really different. Its like a little piece of social anthropology in the 40k universe.

Great idea, and very nicely written.

My Commissar On The Cabinet is telling me to bring skulls for some form of ossuary throne; it's not exactly clear, there is a lot of distortion and static in the voice. What should I do in those cases?