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So my girlfriend and I of over 3 years just broke up. I'm a pretty big mess right now. What's some advice to get through this from those that have been in my shoes?

Keep busy. Start a cool new project. Start a new game. I recommend Blood Bowl if you aren't already. Let your friends know you are needing help to keep your mind off your ex.

And if you are a drinker, make a way of reminding yourself not to text her when you have had a few. Reading back your drunk texts to the ex will kill your self esteem in the morning.

I just got divorced this last year. June 10th would have been our 17th anniversary. I’ve been spending the last few days trying to figure out what I’m going to do that’s a bit healthier then crawling into a bottle and blowing my liver out.

Things that have helped me:

Focus on the positive. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to keep her happy, often at the detriment of my own joy. Do things that make you happy.
Enjoy your hobbies. You will now have more time for them.
Keep social. Don’t just rot and fester.
Focus on you. Don’t go out looking for the next SO. Spend some time being yourself. In relationships you spend a lot of time being “us” sometimes the “me” gets lost. Find him.


2017: Nowhere to go but up!

Stay away from alcohol. It's a depressant and will only make things worse, and that path leads to a dark, dark place.

As feeder says, staying active is helpful. Do things to get your mind off of your breakup and onto something else.

Exercise, smile a lot even if you have to force it, and surround yourself with positive people if possible. Don't isolate yourself.

Good time to start a "new you" project.

Do: Read challenging books while on a treadmill. Join a Meetup for something you've always wanted to try. Minor, incremental goals. Get some distance, it'll add perspective.

Do Not: Radically change yourself. Always been a meek accountant? Don't buy a Harlie because Sons Of Anarchy looks cool. DO NOT bang her friends. Seriously, it's a trap. A sexy redheaded, ballerina with pixie hair and a dirty mouth (Did I get oddly specific? Yup!) but a trap nonetheless. Sloppy drunk isn't a good look for anyone, remember that.

You're in a down spot, no doubt about it. The import thing is HOW you get out of it. It'll take time. Some days will be better than others, some worse.
Biggest piece of advice I received in the same place you are now?
"Don't look for a better woman, become the kinda guy better women are looking for."

Simply put.... stay busy!

Realize that YOU are responsible for your own happiness and well being.

Work on you!

Good luck buddy.

Man that sucks. I know how it feels. The worst is the time before falling asleep and waking up, when your brain can't stop thinking about her in the darkness and quietness.

Watch the movie Swingers with Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn. Great movie about getting over a break-up; how important friends are.

Exercise. Those endorphins will give you a natural high.

Do what you like. Remember all the times in your relationship when you couldn't do those things because of your significant other. So see Logan and Alien Covenant and build and paint a lot.


Most importantly, hang out with your buds and family- and really appreciate the time with them. There was one point in my life when I went two years without a GF. I was a miserable wreck and totally didn't appreciate my gambling buddy Wu and my family. After getting married, I seriously haven't seen Wu in fifteen plus years and miss the times with him at the riverboat/Toys R Us, when my sister was young and parents were still married. Instead of enjoying those times, I moped about being single and missed out on all the fun. Not enjoying every moment of those times is one of my biggest regrets.

You'll get over her and look back at this time later as one of those difficult times.

I'd also add you should make time to do something truly awesome. Go to an amusement park and ride the gak out of some hardcore roller coasters. Go sky diving. Go see your favorite band in a big arena concert. Take a vacation some place you've always wanted to go. You've been through a lot and you deserve to make a good memory that you won't forget anytime soon.

Do not start another serious relationship; you won't be yourself for a while. As others have said, take a bunch of "me" time, do the stuff you want to do, focus on what makes you happy or gives you purpose.

Unfortunately, and it sounds really trite, but the only thing that truly works is time.

I went through a really nasty breakup in my mid-twenties (right when everyone else I knew was settling down after university). I was a mess for probably a good two years, but then one day I just suddenly realised I was OK. It was really weird, but during that time I'd started a new job, met a bunch of new friends and all of a sudden I found I was a different person, in a different place and life was good.

The two most important things I would suggest are 1) recognise that it is alright to be upset/angry/sad. Don't force yourself to be OK, but also don't let being upset/angry/sad dominate your life. If you do, you are letting the other person rule your life just as much as if you went crawling back to them.

2) the really hard part is recognising when you're done being upset. It's very easy to get into a routine and block out your feelings, but, like I say, one day you'll be OK, and ready to move on. Don't let that pass by because you're too busy blocking out everything.

Put stuff in storage, seek what you don't need and go travelling.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Seek? I meant sell...

I didn't have this problem because when my marriage ended I was glad. All the stress and misery went away as soon as I left, the first night I spent with a friend I moved in with, I just felt relief.

But making time for yourself is a great idea. Do things yourself, at your own speed. If you want to go somewhere or see something, go whenever you want for as long as you like. Don't worry about accommodating someone else, enjoy doing everything by your own timetable. Don't be afraid to do 'couple' activities like eating out or going to the cinema, just take a book or a newspaper and have a pint to drink with it.

The quickest way to get over someone is to get on with yourself. I was in a 3 year relationship that when it ended, I went on a few trips by myself, visited museums I always wanted to go to, found some group activities (not even singles related) like TT gaming, climbing, cycling, lifting, camping and paintball etc. Did alot of bike riding. The idea was to not waste time, go out and DO things, grow as a person. I also dated alot, nothing serious. Almost 2 years later, I found my future wife.

Look at this as an opportunity. Dont look at the breakup as an ending, think of it as a new beginning. Break out of your comfort zone as that leads to new possibilities that you may have not seen from the comfort of your familiar circle.

Im 46 yo, been there, done that, happily married 19 years.

Just get out and DO! Life is too too short.

 TheLumberJack wrote:
So my girlfriend and I of over 3 years just broke up. I'm a pretty big mess right now. What's some advice to get through this from those that have been in my shoes?

Out of the two of you:

If you had decided that you needed the split then you may be in better shape than if:

Your ex had took the decision and ended it with you.

For the former, look ahead take the good things and try and leave any baggage behind.

If the latter then be prepared for a bit of time of introspection, some soul searching and avoiding the radio/favourite songs.

No matter how it happened its basically alright to feel sorry for yourself for a while. As others have said moving forwards is always best, how long that takes is up to you.

 TheLumberJack wrote:
So my girlfriend and I of over 3 years just broke up. I'm a pretty big mess right now. What's some advice to get through this from those that have been in my shoes?

sleep with her friends til you feel better.

 TheLumberJack wrote:
So my girlfriend and I of over 3 years just broke up. I'm a pretty big mess right now. What's some advice to get through this from those that have been in my shoes?

No contact. If you have no kids, don't live together, don't own any assets together, move on and do not contact like she doesn't exist. I know its a hard thing to hear and do, but trust me, its 1000 times better than going back to the same person who is hurting you and hoping for a different outcome. No stalking on Facebook either. In all likelihood, she'll be dating a guy before you are dating a girl, and there is no sense in seeing that either.

It ended for a reason, whatever that may be, so don't fight it.

There are about 7 billion people on this planet. Half are women. You have a surprising large number of other women available for you so don't worry there will be others.

Take this time to do some stuff solely for you. Being in a relationship means compromising all the time. Now you get to do whatever the f you want without running it by someone first. Some of those times were my happiest.

I had no idea that so many of my fellow dakka members were divorced or split up from their wives/girlfriends.

I thought I was the only one...

Anyway, I can't tell you what you should do - only you can walk that path, but I can give you advice from my own experience on what you shouldn't do.

1. Don't drink. As others have said, that only makes it worse.

2. Don't go on a mad spending spree. Buy yourself something nice or go on holiday. That's a positive move, but don't spend like there is no tomorrow.

3. Avoid social media and the temptation to find out what she's up too weeks later. That only makes it worse. A lot worse.

4. Don't drive past her house months later. That hurts as well, and you don't want to be the creepy stalker type.

5. Don't blame yourself to much. I absolutely believe that giving yourself some blame is a good thing. Accepting that you and her both made mistakes, and that's what ended the relationship, is good for the healing process moving forward. But don't blame yourself to much. A balance is needed.

Anyway, good luck to you. I know it hurts like hell, but time is a great healer. It'll get better.

No links. Don't take her back. No sport ing. Cut it completely.

Everyone beat me to the punch but I'll still say that you should try to see this as a beginning rather than an end. Try new things, get back to doing old things, hang out with your friends. I know it hurts but in the long term you'll be OK.

1-day at a time.

Edit: Great avatar! Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox!

Go fishing.....fresh air, sun, and great way to enjoy life by slowing things down. If the x girlfriend shows up while your fishing just remember what water did to the wicked witch of the West.... Good luck

 Mr. Burning wrote:

 TheLumberJack wrote:
So my girlfriend and I of over 3 years just broke up. I'm a pretty big mess right now. What's some advice to get through this from those that have been in my shoes?

Out of the two of you:

If you had decided that you needed the split then you may be in better shape than if:

Your ex had took the decision and ended it with you.

For the former, look ahead take the good things and try and leave any baggage behind.

If the latter then be prepared for a bit of time of introspection, some soul searching and avoiding the radio/favourite songs.

No matter how it happened its basically alright to feel sorry for yourself for a while. As others have said moving forwards is always best, how long that takes is up to you.

I was the one who decided to end it

Find another one

Avoid MGTOW sites, especially if you're feeling aggrieved about how it all ended. The last thing you need is some bitter, financially devastated 45 year old telling you that women aren't worth the trouble.

Seriously though, it sounds like you're still young so once the feelings of loss have passed you'll come out the other end a better person. Console yourself with the knowledge that it was probably never meant to be. Unfortunately some people spend the best part of a decade or longer with the wrong person and those sorts of breakups can be truly devastating because there's no way to get that time back and (especially if there are kids involved) they can have long term negative and life changing consequences.

Your going to have a huge time hole you deadicated to the relationship.

Fill it, take back up old hobbies, join a sports team you used to play, whatever you enjoy to help fill those gaps, get out and about and keep busy.

Generally just get out, do stuff, keep busy and hive you other things to think about that are positive and are making you happier.

You decided to end it, so just remind yourself why you ended it whenever you find yourself in an Eeyore-ish funk. Move on and keep moving. This wasn't a divorce, just a break-up and yes, there is a monumental chasm of difference.

My experience: nothing will help but time.
Its a cliche and about as useless a thing as you want to hear right now.

But its true.

One small helper, get rid of all the reminders/trinkets/associated stuff. They will reopen old wounds fast.

 BigWaaagh wrote:
You decided to end it, so just remind yourself why you ended it whenever you find yourself in an Eeyore-ish funk. Move on and keep moving. This wasn't a divorce, just a break-up and yes, there is a monumental chasm of difference.

Agree and think it's totally easier to be the one that ends things. Control is great. Looking back, the ones that stung the most were when being dumped. You totally feel like you are in the Target end caps when that happens.

I'd like to thank everyone for their advice. I move out ina week so we'll see how the new life goes

I cannot back the advice to stay away from alcohol enough. Listen to people on this, if this alone.

If you are moderately healthy, go out and walk, long walks. Give yourself some long distance goals, then if you feel like it and are dressed appropriately, run intervals. Then step up to jogging. The endorphins will help you, in the end.

I will also back the hobby proponents among us, but with a caveat. I would freeze my credit card in a block of ice, to make sure you don't overspend. I went down that route myself, and it was hard to crawl back out of.

Don't you ever, ever stop yourself from feeling. Own yourself to the hilt. And if you're sad, down or a mess, then so be it.

Added: If it helps you through this, just revisit this thread and keep it updated.

 Mathieu Raymond wrote:
I cannot back the advice to stay away from alcohol enough. Listen to people on this, if this alone.

If you are moderately healthy, go out and walk, long walks. Give yourself some long distance goals, then if you feel like it and are dressed appropriately, run intervals. Then step up to jogging. The endorphins will help you, in the end.

I will also back the hobby proponents among us, but with a caveat. I would freeze my credit card in a block of ice, to make sure you don't overspend. I went down that route myself, and it was hard to crawl back out of.

Don't you ever, ever stop yourself from feeling. Own yourself to the hilt. And if you're sad, down or a mess, then so be it.

Added: If it helps you through this, just revisit this thread and keep it updated.

Yeah I haven't picked up alcohol since it happened, cause I know I won't be able to put it down. I actually planned on starting swimming everyday. Im also not a big spender so I don't have to worry about that. And yeah I plan on coming back to this thread just to keep it updated, amd also hoped others would come to it for help or guidance as well