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Made in us
Neophyte Undergoing Surgeries




Slovakia

Hi guys, first of all, sorry for any and all gramatical errors, i am not a native sadly...

I tried to write a short story for a character that i want to create, more from the view of an Civilian. Anyways, i will keep it short. Give it a read if you want, let me know your thoughts.
I want to add a new Character into my army, and want him to be something more than just stats on paper with a name.

I have never written any other shorts yet, nor have experience in it, so keep that in mind. I have read just a few Horus Heresy Books, and a few from Nick Kyme regarding the Salamanders, so not much of an experience to say the least... well... anyway. Give it a read if you want, let me know if its garbage, or what you would maybe change ? Its just a... solid try for a story. A prototype you might say...

Above the clouds of the hive, the horrific noise of the city was dimmed. Thick smog wailed around the amoured glass of the small housing apartment in clouds of toxic death. The young boy sitting behind his desk looked up into the sky, as burning fragments of astreoids where pummeling in the upper atmosphere, burning bright. Overlooking the city, high above the rush and panic, he was unaware of the situation that unfolded around him. He took up his mnemo-pen, tumbling in his hand, searnich for ideas. The pen started to dance wildly above the tablet, as his thoughts where spred out on the tab before his eyes. A sudden sheen,a flash of sorts disturbed him, and the pen fell flat on the ground. Annoyed, he looked trough the glass, to find the culprint responsible for this annoyance. The turrets of the planet defence force have turned, the shiny steel reflecting the sun directly trough his window. The turrets slowly turned up, facing the sky. „What is going on?“ he said to himself aloud, into the empty room. The sky was burning with falling fragments. Fire errupted from the guns and turrets, shooting at the rocks pummeling down fast. The noise was deafening, even behind thick walls and glass, as the earth beneath him tumbeled. Warning sirens wailed suddenly trough the vox next to his desk. „To all personell in the upper disctrics, please lock your doors and stay inside. The city is engaging lockdown protocol bravus, please stay calm and inside your houses. May the emperor protect us“. The message repeatet itself, before explosions ruptured the gun nests and cannon towers. Flames burning bright, as shells impacted everywhere. The boy fell to his knees, seeing the sky burning as if the stars of this sector fell onto the planet. He sat under the table, shaking with horror as he realised how fragile life can be. Impacts all around shaked the earth, explosions and erruptions mixed with sirens screamed from all sides as the cacophony of terror echoed trough his room. Pict-frames from his walls fell on the ground shattering, cracks appeared in the walls where they once hung. A collection of rare and ancient books collapsed to a heap after something hit the apartment. Cracks in the windows screamed as the pressure was too heavy to hold. For minutes that felt like hours he sat shaking under the table without issuing a word. The world he knew and the hive he so vividly despised with all its glory and glamour was being ripped apart by an unknown force. The planetary defence systems have been compromised, at least he thought, as they silenced all around. The vox has stopped echoing its calming lies. After the initial tremour, he slowly shook his head, and with what little courage that he could muster, took a peek trough the now cracked and shattered window. The world was in flames, smog mixed with dark plumes of smoke littered what little he could see. Flashes of explosions and gunfire could be seen. In the sky, crooked gunships, barely resembling the ones he saw in the Imperial Armory flew like Vultures above the death carcass of the hive. More burning rocks where in the sky above, and the boy trembled with pure terror. This time however, the crafts in the air reacted to the flying objects in the sky, and turned around to intercept these. The change of flight was short lived, as rockets fired from the heaven ruptured the crafts, and tore them to pieces. Debris and parts fusilage hit the ground, one of the birds breaking into halves, crooked figures falling from the presumed cargo bay, as they pummeled to the ground, vanishing the in thick smoke. One of the crafts was hit in the wing, and turned around. As it turned and spewed fire, it took a crash course, directly at the window. The boy simply ran, towards the backdoor of his room into the hallway, as the sound of engines came ever so closer. He ran trough the hall, down the stairs, aiming to run out of the door into the remains of the garden. As he came closer to the door, a explosion tore him away, and hurled him like a puppet. His vision faded from red to black, as his thoughts suddenly stopped, and he embraced the cold darkness suddenly all around him...

A loud scream of pain woke the boy up. His eyes flashing, pain soared into his brain like small daggers, as he tried to cope with this reality. Smoke and dust was all he could see. Screaming and panic was all around him. He came back to reality as the dust settlet more, and saw that he is lying on the once green grass of his garden. The boy was thrown trough the door, and landed in the middle of a bush of roses. Blood was running from his arms, his vision fading from second to second, as streams of blood slowly made it down his face.The apartment his parents have purchased him years and years ago was a heap of rubble, a craft stuck it in, with engines still humming, flames and dust thrown all around as the bird slowly died. All around where people running for their lives, sounds of slaugther, breaking of bones, and gut wrenching primordial roars. As he tried to stand up and run, he just now realised that his left leg was almost torn from the rest of his body, the hunch of meat just hanging by a thread. He screamed in pain as panic took him at the sudden sight of his own crippled and broken flesh. Blood was all he could see, yet he could not feel anything from his waist down. To his side, an elderly man was trying to run trough the garden, as his head ruptured to a broken mass, and fell onto his belly, and empty shell devoid of any life in an instant. Someone at his side was screaming in terror, and turned around. She was dead before she saw her killer, torn to shreds as a giant fist with long, energized claws made it trough her body as if it was just air. Red and pink mist was all that remained from her. From the dust and smoke, a giant figure the size of a mag-tram steped out, his eyes filled with blood, already searching for someone to kill. The frenzied warrior clad in red and black took steps that shook the earth, a giant gun with two muzzles and a fist the size of a man, was all the boy could recognize. In pure terror, the boy released all the body fluids he could have, and shook in terror. He grabbed the roses, the pain and suffering not bothering him seemingly, as he tried to get into safety. The giant has already seen him, and began to walk to him, with a frenzied smile. As he pulled his mangled body trough the roses, he realised that there is nowhere to run anymore. This is it. His final moments. Thousands of thoughts went trough his head, as another woman stood above him, pulling him by his torn shirt upwards, yelling something he could not hear nor understand.

The giant was now close, and the woman covered the boy with her hands, as if protecting him from the giant warrior, screaming in panic with tears in her eyes. The frenzied man just smiled as he found two unfortunate beings all at once, and sparks flew from his clawed fist from finger to finger, as if it where dancing, and anticipating the kill. The boy closed his eyes, and prayed to the emperor one last time, as this should be his last second on this world. He could already see his fathers face, calling him to come home...

A flame hurled above the woman that stood as a protector above the boy, clutching to him with her bloody hands, and hit the blood red warrior in the chest and face, The warrior was ready to kill, but did not count with his assassin. Flames spewed from the smoke, a red, orange and yellow wall of flame covered his body, as he fell to the ground, burning like a torch, flailing with his hands. The woman, too scared to move, saw two or perhaps more shots impact into the still twiching and burning body of the red giant, untill he stopped to move at all. She turned around, to see another man in armour, standing in the shadows, pistol drawn, with a giant flame-trower swung infront of him, and two flaming orbs where his eyes should be. He took a step out of the shadows, the flames reflecting from the emerald green of his armour. This warrior, and inferno incorporated into flesh, had a two headed eagle insignia on his chest, and a long scaly hide around his left pauldron. She was still terrified, as his face was onyx black, only his eyes burning with wrath in red. The woman was shaking with fear and terror, and fell next to the boy on her knees, begging for mercy. The boys eyes fell on the warrior, a giant in green, as he released his final breath while looking at one of the emperors angels of death.

The warrior stepped forwards to the woman, which still shook in terror and panic. She looked into his burning eyes, and at the isingnia on his chest, muttering „Emperor..“ before stopping. The warrior bowed down to face her, and went onto his knee. „Go, go back from where i came from. The area is secured, and you will find refuge just down the road here...“ As he pointed his finger into the starway which was settled in dust before. The woman was as if fixed to one spot, and could not move, as she had only once heard stories about the angels of death that protect the emperor and his will, but never actually laid an eye at these warriors. „Run, quickly ! Leave the boy, he is already gone!“ The woman was still shaking, and started to run to the stairs as fast as she could.

Almost there, she took a look back at the emerald green warrior. He picked up his helmet from his waist, and put it on, a hiss of gasses emerging from the sides. He went deeper into the battlefield, revealing a snarling dragons head heraldry on one of his pauldrons, the number XVIII gracefully etched into it. She turned from him, running towards a grimm looking guard, waving his hand to her, pointing to whatever was left of a small bunker.

You did it, you have reached the end and dwelled trough the story! Congrats and thank you ! Hopefully you take something from it, maybe some inspiration ? whatever dude !



With fire and flame,
Wrath of Vulkan 
   
Made in se
Willing Inquisitorial Excruciator






I read through the thing. It reminded me a bit of when I started out with this hobby. First of all: good job. It's pretty 40k and it's got a good angle to it. I espescially like the part about the boy dying. Well done.

Now for some criticism. It'll be a bit extensive but don't let it get you down, it really is a decent short story:

*it's easier to read if any thoughts or words are put in their own lines. Like this
"thank the Emperor" says the woman.
"he is your protector" replies the Space Marine.

*The opening is a bit long with not much going for it. Maybe cut some of the area description and add some personal stuff about the boy so he becomes more relatable, and his death becomes more pointless? Like thoughts of a girlfriend, his parents, his hobby or his job.

*The fight between the marines is over very quickly, the chaos marine kind of just dissapear with no accomplishments. He is a monstrous nigh unstoppable super warrior with an unnatural warp advantage. Maybe have him charge through the fire and keep going even after death? Beating a struggling will make the salamder have more of an impact and make him more likeable. Just gunning down someone doesn't really give much to the imagination. Maybe have them wrestle?

*pdf? Every planet in the Imperium has a defensive military force called a pdf (planetary defence force). There's also arbitors (policemen) and military personel in most temples. I'd assume an civilian might first think "where's the pdf!?" If something like this where to happen. You mention the planetary defence network. I'd just like to reinforce the point.

*For an Imperial citizen, to see a Space marine is kind of like if an angel appeared in the street you where walking down. As in wings, gloria, shining light and choir. A chaos marine is a bit like a litteral deamon popping up in your living room. Fire, brimstone, horns and scary. Most Imperial citizens have read about them since they where small children. So when the chaos marine and the salamander appears you really can't overdo it. Maybe the woman can't believe her eyes that the legends are true? Maybe she thinks the Emperor punishes her for something with the appearance of the chaos marine? A general tip is not to normalize theese beings. In the mind of civilians they're immortal demigods of battle.

*best for last, because this one is the only one I have a big issue with really. The planetary invasion starts, the chaos Marines invade, the boy falls unconsious, the salamanders show up. I feel like the time span is very short and strange. Usually a planetary invasion like this has some kind of hint to it arriving, and the salamanders respons can't have come so fast out of the blue if the Imperium didn't know about it. As fast as the Astartes are it takes them at least weeks to respond to a distress call. The only way they could be so quick on the scene is if they where already there or if they where following the chaos Marines. If so the Imperial world would probably know they where comming either way, given astartes high alert and the warp gravity well of planets. So the timespan is the only thing that really bugged me a bit about the story.

Now don't let all that get you down. I ment to provide valid criticism and have no intention of being mean or comming off as a jerk. I hope you find the above stuff usefull. Two more things:

1. We have a forum for fanfics and stories set in 40k here on Dakkadakka. Scroll down a little and you will find it. :-)
2. I just bumped up an old thread called "homebrew lore ideas". Check it out if you want to post fluff about your characters, background for your salamanders company or just want to enjoy other peoples homemade background.

Finally one more time: good job. It is a nice story with a good spinn on it. I hope you take the time to review and improve. I like stories that have a good core idea to them.

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2018/01/04 17:31:46


His pattern of returning alive after being declared dead occurred often enough during Cain's career that the Munitorum made a special ruling that Ciaphas Cain is to never be considered dead, despite evidence to the contrary. 
   
Made in us
Neophyte Undergoing Surgeries




Slovakia

Amazing. All i can say.
Thank you for all the points you have brought up, i really, REALLY appreciate it that you took the time to slog trough this... well... fanfic, if i must use this phrase ?
I did go off topic here and there since my ideas just poped up here and there, and i got to point that.. yeah, i had no clue what to do next.They came and went all the time.
Thanks to your tips i may be able to rewrite it a bit, well.. bit... most of it to be honest, and add more to..well the character i wanted to introduce. To whom i spent like... 5 words. True.
I wrote this in my work time, simply killing time with some ideas, getting distracted in a open office enviroment all the time. And as someone working Support,there is always something coming up, all the time....

Your reply had quite the impact, and i think i can fix many points you have brought up, and expand this simple story to something more fleshed-out (or is it flashed out? no idea, nevermind). This was just a little something i though i could share with same minded people.

Again, i can´t thank you enough. Hats off to you sir, thanks. I will try to do my best to get this idea on the right path. Just bear in mind (grizzly, probably, could be a black bear too) that i have never written anything apart from some small articles and guides here in there. And i am quite a bad story teller.But... i try to get as much into my Army as i can. I just could not find any stories with sallies that where... different apart from torture, flames, hammers and sadness. I want my company to be something else, different yet i do love the lore behind the sallies. Do i make any sense to you right now ? idk... i hope you get it.

Anyhow, now i got something to do while i slog trough my basic work-cycle, getting bugged all the freaking time. and i should read more... much more. And probably pick up a dictionary...

With fire and flame,
Wrath of Vulkan 
   
Made in se
Willing Inquisitorial Excruciator






Glad to be of help. I'd recommend you check out the dakkadakka fiction forum at: ://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/forums/show/9.page

Edit: Replied to your PM

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2018/01/10 18:24:20


His pattern of returning alive after being declared dead occurred often enough during Cain's career that the Munitorum made a special ruling that Ciaphas Cain is to never be considered dead, despite evidence to the contrary. 
   
Made in us
Librarian with Freaky Familiar






Yeah I would recommend this get moved to dakka fiction

To many unpainted models to count. 
   
Made in us
[DCM]
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Done!

   
 
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