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Or a GM or whatever your tabletop RPG system calls the person who runs the game.
I've said things to my players and a part of my mind just goes "did the words 'yes, you may attack with a fish' really come out of my mouth?!"

"You succeed at feeding the snail to the book".

Any thing like that (or funnier) happen in your games?

"It is the angriest urination you have ever witnessed."

As a raging barbarian furiously attempts to put out a fire, that the players set in the midst of their ingenious ambush of a lone dude in a crowded bar, rather than waiting until he's walking home in the alley.

I would love to participate here, but every story I can think of for this is strictly and incredibly NSFW when some crazy players did some outrageously terrible things.

 Lance845 wrote:
I would love to participate here, but every story I can think of for this is strictly and incredibly NSFW when some crazy players did some outrageously terrible things.

*Stares with loud and obvious curiosity.*

'Two to three weeks, I guess... definitely more than an hour...'

Not necessarily mad in context, but when it's the answer to a druid in my alternate history 5e setting asking 'If I Wildshape into a dolphin and swim to America, how long will that take?' Not the response I was expecting to impending pirates, I concede, but I guess a Druid's gotta Druid...

That was a strange game...

To a Bard player: "Why you would want to seduce a mimic is beyond me, but go ahead and roll anyway."
He failed..... miserably.

“So, to be clear, you signed on to crew the ship. You can’t swim. You’re in the middle of the ocean, and because the captain won’t let you steer the ship, you’re going to set it on fire?”

Player: Yes.

“In your imagination, what’s the best case scenario here?”

"The bullet-riddled F-150 pickup careens through the security gate just before the brick of C-4 you left next to the gas tank detonates, turning the truck, a portion of the gate, two Knight Errant security guards, and the seven crates of dildos and vibrators you insisted the bed of the truck be filled with, into a massive ball of fire. The sex toys are hurled through the night air like a cloud of rubbery, pliable shrapnel. Fortunately for me, you are all still within the blast area. You are struck in the face by a large flaming purple knobbly one. Roll to resist a 9M stun hit without applying any Impact armor. Also, you now have an oddly-shaped bruise across your face to show the world your shame and disgrace."

That’s beautiful, Squid.

Great thread.
I have said, or been a player in games in which a GM made the following descriptions. Each made sense in the context, but...we used to call our gaming table, the table of bad english for a reason.

"Ahead on the trail, you see a vaguely distinct shape." think about it...

Player: "How high are the walls?"
"GM: "They go up to the ceiling." (In the Gm's defense, the player had the ability to fly, and the GM thought they were planning to fly into the next room.)

Player rolls up character, suddenly finds old character, tears new character sheet apart and yells: "Get out of here you loser, Oh, and take your deadly circle thing with you!"

GM: "It's midnight, you're on watch. You hear something in the bushes. It sounds like a large animal."
Player: "I lean over the (female) cleric and say "I've got something big out here."
He got a mace to the face.

GM: The last giant fire ant dies.
Player: "That guy was fire proof, can I cut his head off and make a helmet?"
GM: Ummm...(he got the fireproof helmet, and a tough modifier to interacting with anyone but fire ants and fire giants.

We had a GM at a LARP who got lazy every time he came walking the trail into town as an NPC, he'd answer our characters' queries of "What do we see?" with the snarky answer of "you see what you see". Problem was his laziness meant he kept never bothering to wear anything else than a black t-shirt and pants. So we started shaming him as sentries for the town when alerting the people behind us.

"We've got a stagehand coming in!"

"Get up guys, there's a guy in a black shirt heading our way to rob us!"

"Lookout, guys! A roadie for Spinal Tap is out in the woods, and he's armed!"

"Beep. Beep. Whoop! Bada-bee-womp! *Whistle*
Which means 'Ryloth is too close to the front, there's a high risk we'll end up in the heart of a separatist blockade! If we can find a way to secure enough fuel to get us to Faleen, we can rendezvous with the fleet, and I'll put a good word in for you with the Grand Army of the Republic!'"

This coming from an R5 droid that's been rusting out in a Tatooine junk shop for the last 20 years. The statement itself wasn't so funny... but that was the point I realized I'd introduced a permanent NPC friend who I was going to have to hoot and whistle for for the rest of the campaign.

I'm really bad at remembering the specifics of things I say running EotE because it encourages you to improv so much, but I've been sitting in some for when obligations trigger that I'm really looking forward to.

Oooh oooh. I love this game.

Once I said:
"I need you to run the next encounter, so I can be alone in back with your sister for 15 or 20 minutes."

To make matters worse this was said to a 15 year old girl in regards to her twin sister. She had to point out to me that this didn't sound good taken out of context.

I was running a D&D game at a local store, and one of the players was questioning the motives of the NPC who had been giving the characters missions and providing them lodging. I didn't want to derail the entire table with an extended roleplaying scene between one character and an NPC, so I asked my backup DM (the player's twin sister) to run the scheduled encounter. That allowed me to take the player aside and indulge in some more thorough RP.

"you cannot Antman vs. Thanos meme the dragon to death, they have more than sufficient capacity."

"you spend the next eight hours vomiting in order to moisten your bucket bound spherical son"

Me: "The doors to the elevator open and on the other side, you see a huge troll and Ork in helmets, combat armor, wielding ....

Player: "I shoot them!"

Me: "Roll for it."

Player: "I got X successes!"

Me: "You open fire from the hip with a roar of gunfire. You are satisfied your aim is true. The Ork and Troll shatter and crumble with a crash of glass. You realize you just iced a mirrored wall......"

*************************************************

Me: "You prepare to rush the stairway and gather for the assault. From above, you hear rustling of feet and movement. Then.....


....tink, ta-tink, tink- tink, tink.....

coming down the stairs."

*************************************************************

Me: "You hear, Rat-tat-tat-tat..... the sound of a machine gun."

Player: I want a ninja star of returning.

Me (DM): Okay, go check the local market. This is a large city, many artisans and enchanters come here to trade.

Player: I'll try this stall. Lodges query.

Me (DM): He doesn't have it.

Player: Next stall.

Me (DM): Okay, you check the next stall. It's empty.

Player: On to the next!

Me (DM): There is a young woman sitting there.

Player: Do you have any enchanted ninja stars, the kind that return to you after the throw?

Me (DM): Yes. I have one star, it's enchanged by a powerful returning spell.

Player: How much?

Me (DM): She thinks a moment. 109 GP.

Player: Seems fair, here you go!

Me (DM): She hands it to you wrapped in cloth, thanks you for your patronage.


A short time later, at a waystop in the desert, 20 km from the town.

Me: Ambush time fellows.

Player: I rolled my save, I am aware of the ambush.

Me: Sure thing champ, you can take one free action.

Player: The guy to the corner you described with the crossbow, throwing my star.

Me: Roger that champ, the number to beat is 13.

Player: Rolls + mod = 10.

Me: You fail to hit.

Player: I hold up my hand to catch the sta-

Me: The Star flings past you, speedily jetting in the direction of town.

Player: Wut?

Me: You asked for a ninja star of returning. You never specified who it had to return to.

Player: Wtf. Really?

Me: Yes.

A short time after the unsuccessful ambush. The party has returned to town to seek answers about the thugs who jumped them.

Player: I'm going back to that woman.

Me: You see her. She smiles at you.

Player: What gives lady, my ninja star flew back to town. I have no idea where it is!

Me: Oh! That's okay, I just happen to have one. Right here. Since you already purchased it from me, it's just a finders fee this time. 12 GP.

Player: What? Wait, you mean...

Me: Ah, a girl has to make a living, and I don't prostitute myself. Just my wares.

Player: Fine, I'll just get it disenchanted from that mage down the street.

Me: Here you go! Thanks for the coin.

Player: Excuse me Mr. Mage.

Me: Yes? How can I help you.

Player: Can you disenchant?

Me: Unfortunately no, I'm not that skilled. Perhaps you would like to buy one of my wares however?

Player: Shoot. Well, maybe, what do you have?

Me: Anything and everything my boy! Priceless treasures from far lands, antiquities from the ages of myth!

Player: Well, my INT is low, how about a headband of Intelligence!

Me: Yeah, I think I can help. Here you go! It's a headband of minor INT (+1 INT). Special price! 55GP.

Player: AH! Sweet! Here you are!

Me: Indeed! Thank you for your patronage.

Player: I'll head back to the room we bought. Oh! I put on the headband. So excited to finally-

Me: Roll an intelligence save. The number to beat is 12.

Player: Wait, what? Grumbles. Rolls + Mod = 2.

Me: Rolls D6. Result is a 4.

Player: What's that for?

Me: This is a headband of idiocy. Take 4 INT damage.

Player: WTF?!

Me: The damage is reversed after you remove the headband and take a long rest.

Player: Oh, well, in that case it's okay. We're going to rest up for the night anyways. I'll take off the headband.

Me: It doesn't come off.

Player: *visibly frustrated*

Me: Visibly amused.

Player: Why?

Me: I talked to my girlfriend last night. She said you put the moves on her. Don't do that again.

Player: *Visibly embarrassed*

Rest of the party: Shocked.

Ah. Good times.

*****************************************************************

Player: DM?

Me: Yes?

Player: Can I try to use these three immovable rods to acrobat up to the dragons head and try for an eye strike.

Me: Take inspiration.

Player: YES!

Me: Roll it.

Player: I rolled a 1. I'll use that Inspiration now.

Me: Roll it.

Player: Looking upset. I rolled another 1.

Me: Roll a CON save. The number to beat is 14.

Player: Rolls + Mod = 10

Me: Hmmm. How many hit points do you have? **Auditory dices rolling behind the screen.

Player: I have 55 HP! And 5 DR from my bracers!

Me: Okay. Take 81 points of Lightning damage.

Player: .....Breath weapon?

Me: Breath weapon.

Player: Yeah. So...

Me: This is why I asked you all to roll two characters. And explicitly told you not to mess with Elder dragons.

Player: Lesson learned.

Me: Good!

I once said "No, you are _not_ allowed to just conjure more panties."

 ishpeck wrote:
I once said "No, you are _not_ allowed to just conjure more panties."

Was a bard involved lol?

This past weekend.

"The elephant sized bulette plummets to the earth like a large armored meteorite."

'The vox-channel bleeps for your attention. It's Castus [NPC psyker] and he sounds panicked. "We may be a bit late." he says. "Not to alarm you, but does anyone up there know how to un-summon a greater daemon?"'

I wrongly conjugated a verb with an NPC, and ended up having the NPC's organisation pay for the PC's outrageously costy costumes and masks for them to better infiltrate the Countess' Ball.