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The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.1


After the destruction of the White Wolf everyone wanted some rest and recreation. The Princess invited Moon to come and stay in the Palace for a few days. Moon accepted happily, and brought some of her clothes over.

Yancy called the Mod Channel daily to see how Skyen/Holo was recovering. Yancy’s improvised treatment had saved Holo from daemonic possession, but her wound needed professional attention for a full recovery.

Fortunately the progress reports were very good. Skyen/Holo’s leg would be as strong and beautiful as ever.

One morning at breakfast time two telegrams arrived. Yancy received them.

“They’re both for you, Chippy.” He handed them to her.

The Princess slit open the first envelope and read the message quickly.

“It’s from my uncle, Lord Yuzu. He wants the help of the MPY Agency.”

“He could have just rung the office.”

“He likes to go through family connections. He knows you’re my Waifu, Yancy. Anyway, he wants you to go down to Cowley Court and consult with him. He says to come in disguise.”

Cowley Court was Lord Yuzu’s country house, a long way out in the mellow west of the server.

“Moon, let’s send a reply and accept. We can drive down. It would be good to get out of town for a few days.”

“Let’s do it, Yancy.”

Chippy opened the second telegram.

“Oh dear!”

“Bad news?”

“The worst, Moon. My aunt Lady Sakura has invited me to Cowley Court for a week.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad. Especially if Yancy and I are going down there anyway.”

“No, look. She’s inviting me and my fiancé.”

“But you haven’t got a fiancé.”

“That’s the point. She let me come and live here in the Palace on the basis that I would find a fiancé, and prepare to continue the line of the House of Frog. So I need to bring someone. A boi, to be specific.”

The Princess looked at Yancy in a funny way.

“Don’t look at me like that. I can’t be your fiancé.”

“But you’re already my Waifu.

“That’s entirely different.”

“And you’re going down anyway…”

“No! Absolutely not! I am not going. Moon, back me up here, we’re partners...”

So the next morning Yancy and Moon loaded their luggage into the two seater for the long drive, while the Princess took an early train.

As the detectives drove their spirits were lifted. The weather was beautiful. Nothing but blue skies and puffy white clouds, with a warm sun and a cool breeze.

The drive was great with the top down. Once they got out of the urban channels, the rolling countryside was resplendent in late summer’s colours.

Their aspects had already begun to change. Hard-boiled was not the right style for this kind of visit. They needed a disguise which would blend in with the natives.

Yancie became a young man-about-town, an idle gentleman of fashion and leisure. Muun was his trusty valet.

Muun drove with skill and verve. She enjoyed testing the car’s limits. Yancie sang popular songs and counted sheep.

They stopped in Cowley village to refuel. They had lunch at The Lamb Inn, since they would arrive at the Court too late to lunch there. Then they drove on to Cowley Court, up the long drive, and parked in front of the main doors.

“Well driven, Muun.”

“Thank you, sir. One endeavours to give satisfaction. Sir, I cannot help but notice we are wearing our correspondent shoes.”

“You don’t approve?”

“They are bright even for town. One would have advised Oxford brogues for a country visit.”

“Don’t be so stuffy, Muun. It’s my duty to jolly up these rural districts.“

“Indeed, sir.”

“That’s settled, then. Now, you had better put your head together with Sakiko and find out where we’re billetted for this beano.”

Sakiko was Lord Yuzu's butlerbot.

“Meanwhile I’ll pop in and touch hands with the lord and lady of the manor.”

Yancie left Muun in charge of directing a footman with the luggage. He headed into the imposing pile of honey-coloured stone which was Cowley Court.

In the hall he found a tall, attractive girl with dramatically black shoulder length hair, arranging her sun hat in the mirror.

“What ho, Mayoy! I didn’t expect to stumble across you.”

“Yancie, what are you doing here?”

“The usual sort of thing. Walking in the bosom of nature. A spot of croquet to build up an appetite for dinner. Some billiards afterwards, perhaps.”

“I can see I didn’t manage to improve your mind during our engagement.”

Mayoy and Yancie had had a mutual understanding for a short while during the tea dance season. It went nowhere because Mayoy was an intellectual and Yancie was anything but. There were no bad feelings, though.

“Not so, old thing. I’ve been reading up on biology. Look!”

He showed her a copy of Cells At Work, which he had been studying for several days.

“Yancie, this is just a comic book.”

“It’s a manga, Mayoy. They are very respectable these days. This one’s full of science. It’s taught me more about the immune system than all the time I spent at school.

“It seems there are all these little chappies running around inside you, doing all sorts of things to keep your body humming along. When germs attack, your little fellas get organised and fight back like an army.

“Wow.”

“I’ve finished book 1. You can borrow it if you like.”

“No thanks, Yancie, I am a doctor after all. Still, I have to admit it’s an improvement on those lurid detective novels you used to read.”

“Hm.”

A left-handed compliment?

“Well, I must push on. I’ll see you at cocktails, Mayoy.”

“You won’t, Yancie. No cocktails today.”

“What?”

“No cocktails at Cowley Court for the foreseeable future.”

“WHAT!”

“Lord Yuzu’s gone teetotal.”

“Oh Good Goddess. Why?”

“I couldn’t say.”

Yancie wasn’t sure if this meant Mayoy didn’t know, or that she did know because it was her orders that got Lord Yuzu off the sauce, and so she couldn’t say because of medical confidentiality. A tricky idea to grapple with at any time, let alone after this kind of shock.

“Does it also mean no wine at dinner, no port afterwards, no brandy snifter, no whisky and soda nightcap?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Is this what it has come to? How can anyone face a long weekend out here without the moral support that strong drink provides?”

“Don’t be silly, Yancie. You drink far too much as it is. It will only do you good to go on the wagon for a while.”

“It’s all very well for you to say that, Mayoy, but you don’t know the serious bind I am in. My nerves need all the help they can get.”

“Is it to do with the Princess and Lady Sakura? They’ve been closeted together all afternoon.”

“I couldn’t say,” he muttered darkly.

“Touché, Yancie. Well, I must be off. I’m going to walk round the lake before tea.”

Yancie tried to adjust his gloomy mien and went in to meet his hostess.

Lady Sakura was sitting in the main drawing room. The Princess was with her, looking demure. Sakura was an imposing woman of middle age, a stern aspect, and ropes of pearls.

“Mr Yancie, how do you do?”

“Lady Sakura.”

“I am very pleased to meet you at last. Please sit down. Shall we have tea?”

“That sounds tip-top.”

Yancie took a chair and crossed his legs elegantly, to show off his correspondent shoes. Chippie looked at him with a strange expression. A maid brought in a tea service.

“Mr Yancie, would you be mother?”

He poured three cups and handed them round. They added lemon or milk and sugar according to taste.

“Mr Yancie, I am delighted finally to meet my niece’s fiancé. When will you announce the engagement formally?”

Yancie coughed and nearly spilt his tea.

“Er, that is, well… we haven’t got quite that far with the planning yet.”

“We thought it best to discuss the matter with you and Uncle first.”

“Very wise, Chippie. There is also the matter of a ring.”

“We haven’t chosen one, Aunty. We’ll look at rings after the formal announcement.”

At least Chippie seemed to have kept her head and wasn’t rushing things.

Yancie didn’t like to think how much a ring would cost. Even with his significant resources, it was money best spent on something else. Like a holiday on the Riviera.

If he was forced to such an extreme, perhaps the bally thing could be returned to the jeweller.

Girls and chaps frequently got engaged, changed their minds, and returned their other half to store. Surely the same could be done with a ring?

Or perhaps it might be hired on approval, rather than purchased outright. Muun would know about such matters.

They finished their tea. Yancie poured a second cup for Lady Sakura.

“Aunty, I should take Yancie in to see Uncle now.”

“Quite right, my dear, off you go.”

They left Lady Sakura with her tea. Chippie knew the way to her uncle’s study, of course, and didn’t need to ring for a footman.

They immediately started to argue in whispers.

“What on Earth are you wearing those shoes for?”

“What do you mean? They are very stylish and fashion conscious.”

“My aunt hates modern shoes. You’ll spoil everything.”

“I didn’t know that, Chippie. You should have told me. But look here, what’s this about an official engagement?”

“It’ll have to be done but it doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means something to me! I am bound by my code of honour.”

“We’ll think of a way out. Be sensible now, you’ve got to see Uncle Yuzu next.”

“The teetotaller,” Yancie muttered darkly.

“Don’t mess it up!”

Yancie wondered if he could get Mayoy to give him a medical exemption to teetotalism. Cowley Court’s wine cellar was famous. It was partly the lure of those fine vintages which had convinced him to embark on this mission.

Onecornchippie reached a massive dark oak door and knocked. A man’s voice said, “Come.” She pushed the door open and they went in.


TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.2


Lord Yuzu was sitting at a large, leather top writing desk with expensive accoutrements arranged on it. He stood and came to greet Yancie. A short round man in a brown suit, about 50 years old, he projected authority and confidence.

“So this the great detective, eh? Excellent disguise! Anyone would take you for a useless gadabout fop from the look of you.”

“I say!”

“So you’re going to marry my niece…”

“Er... um… we haven’t made an official announcement.”

“I have the telegram form written out here. I only need have it sent down to the post office, and it will be in the Mod News tomorrow.”

Yuzu handed the slip over. Yancie read it and blanched.

“That’s me sunk,” Yancie thought. He handed the chitty to Chippie with a heavy heart.

“But that’s not important right now, Yancie. I called you down here for a professional consultation.”

Chippie read the telegram. She pursed her lips, quietly folded the form, and put it into a pocket.

“That’s a copy, my dear. Now, I need to speak to Mr Yancie about a commission. Since it concerns you as well, please take a seat.”

They both sat down.

Lord Yuzu went to a locked cabinet behind his desk, opened it, and brought out a leather covered box. He put it on the desk, sat down, and opened the box with a key from his desk drawer. He turned thethe box to face the open side towards Chippie and Yancie.

“My Goddess!”

“Uncle, what on Earth is it?”

“This is the Cowley Cricket Club Cow Creamer.”

The hideous object looked like the result of an ill-fated liaison between a cow, an elephant, and an octopus, made flesh in the medium of sterling silver.

“Lord Yuzu, what is this… object?”

“It is a silver cow creamer, thought to be patterned on a native god. The cricket club won it in a tournament when we were on tour in the Trobriand Islands in the late ‘90s.”

It looked perfectly bloody, but Yancie reluctantly felt he should make a contribution.

“May I examine it?”

Lord Yuzu pushed the box over to Yancie. Yancie gingerly removed the offensive item and turned it over in his hands to examine the hideous details.

Its body was that of a fat cow with flipper like feet. Its head had huge ears and eight grasping tentacles surrounding a trunk from which the cream would pour. Two long tusks poked out alongside the main trunk.

“Intricate gadrooning!”

“What on earth do you mean, Yancie, you don’t know anything about it.”


“I came first in art appreciation in lower sixth, I’ll have you know, Chippie.”

“Yes. As you have noticed, the workmanship is exquisite. The design is…”

“Remarkable.”

Chippie looked more closely. “It’s.... extraordinary. One might almost say disturbing!” .

Yancie felt pretty damn disturbed. He put the grotesque piece back into its case, and closed the door so he did not have to look at it any more.

“Now, the point is that the cow creamer carries a curse.”

“What sort of curse?”

“There are two main parts to it. The first is that whoever owns it will suffer ill luck.”

“But you’re lucky, Uncle.”

“Yes, but I don’t own the creamer in point of law. It belongs to the cricket club. The club hasn’t won a match since we acquired this cursed silverware. Over 30 years!

“Even when we’re close to winning, something bad happens, a thunderstorm out of a clear sky, or the ball gets swallowed by a bull. Once, a plague of frogs invaded the pitch.”

Chippie thought that sounded pretty exciting.

Yancie was lost for words. He had not enjoyed the interview so far, and he had a creeping premonition that the second half was going to be worse.

“Well, it is very interesting but I don’t see how I can help, Lord Yuzu.”

“I’ll tell you how you can help me, Yancie. Now, you probably were thinking why didn’t the club simply sell, or give away, or even destroy the creamer, once its malign influence was understood?”

In fact Yancie was too disturbed to do much thinking. He had suffered too rapid a series of mental shocks since arriving at Cowley Court.

“The reason is that the curse cannot be removed by those methods. The creamer must change hands either by being won as a prize, or by being stolen. Then the curse will follow it to the new owner. Of course, it’s hard to lose it as a prize because to do so would be good luck, and it brings bad luck.”

Yancie’s premonition got much stronger suddenly.

“So I want you to steal the creamer.”

“I say, what? No! I absolutely refuse.”

“And when you do, I will tear up the telegram announcing your engagement, and send this other one I have prepared.”

Yuzu showed them a second telegram form. It announced the end of the engagement between Chippie and Yancie.

“That will put you in the clear. Even my wife won’t try to push things through once the Mod News carries the announcement.”

“But Uncle, don’t you want me to get married?”

“Not as much as I want to get rid of the cow creamer.”

“Won’t Aunty cut up rough, when you scotch our engagement?”

“I’ve thought of that. As soon as the creamer is off my hands I’m taking the cricket club on tour. We’ll be away at least a month. Your aunt will have calmed down by the time I get back.”

Chippie felt somewhat miffed. She didn’t like the idea of being made a pawn in a cricket club plot. If it removed the danger of engagement, though, perhaps it was for the best. She looked at Yancie.

“It would be your risk, Yancie. You must decide.”

Yancie felt trapped. But he was basically an optimistic person. He thought there would be a way to get rid of the creamer somehow. Anyway the first problem was how to get hold of it.

“I’ll think about it.”

He had decided he was going to do it, but it wasn’t a good idea to tell anyone.

Lord Yuzu locked the creamer back in his cabinet and put the key into his desk drawer.

“Very well. Whatever you decide to do, Yancie, it needs to be done by the end of Monday. I have to settle the engagement one way or the other by then.”

A clock chimed four.

“Good. You two toddle off and do whatever engaged young couples do these days. I have to look over some business correspondence.”

They saw themselves out, and went through the french windows at the end of the passage, which gave out to the rose garden.

“Yancie, what are you going to do?”


“I’ll talk to Muun. She always knows what to do.”

“Yes. Good idea. It’s so unfair, all this family interference in your life, Yancie. I’m sorry.”

“I am your Waifu, though, so I have to help if I can find a way.”

Chippie gave Yancie a Platonic hug.

“I would say see you at cocktails, only…”

“I know. That was just the first blow. I expect there will only be fruit juice and soda water.”

Yancie took his leave and went to search for Muun. She was in the hall talking to Sakiko-bot.

“Hello, Sakiko. A bad business this with the wine cellar and all that.”

“You’ve heard already, Sir?”

“I met Mayoy earlier and she told me.”

“At least I am spared the pain of having to inform you myself. Well, Sir, Muun, I must be about my duties.” Sakiko went off to her butler’s office.

“Let us foregather upstairs, Muun. I have much to unfold you.”

Muun led the way to Yancie’s room. His luggage was unpacked and everything neatly arranged. He scanned the scene for a decanter and soda syphon. But his eye met a dismal dry desert.

Yancie slumped disconsolately into a leather armchair.



TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88
(Inspired by The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse.)

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.3


Yancie sat slumped in his chair. He felt overwhelmed by the rapid succession of unexpected perils this supposedly relaxing country house weekend was throwing at him. Sudden engagements. Old flames re-encountered. Cursed cow creamers.

No cocktails!

When would it all stop? Where would he find himself in the end?

“Ahem…” Muun cleared her throat discreetly to attract Yancie’s attention.

“Oh, yes. Sorry, Muun. I was going to tell you of recent events, which look set to shake the foundations of Hell itself!”

“I’ve heard about the outbreak of teetotalism, sir. A bad business.”

“Indeed it is, Muun. I suppose we shall just have to bear it as best we can. Perhaps I could sneak down to the Lamb Inn for a quick one before closing time.”

“I will see if anything could be arranged sub rosa with Sakiko, sir. She regrets not being able to show off her magnificent cellar.”

“That would be tip-top.”

Yancie fell into a brown study, contemplating his woes.

“I believe you intended to apprise me of certain recent untoward developments, sir…?”

“Ah yes. I was merely marshalling my thoughts regarding the situation, Muun.”

Yancie sketched out the main points as he saw them.

“You already knew the basic posish regarding the proposed engagement with Princess Onecornchippie, but it’s got much worse. Lord Yuzu is blackmailing me. He wants me to steal the cow creamer!”

“The cow creamer, sir? I am unfamiliar with the specific object.”

“Yuzu’s got it locked in his office. It’s hideous. It’s cursed! Whoever owns it is cursed with ill luck until they have it stolen away from them, or lose it in a contest.”

“You mean, sir, that Lord Yuzu owns a cursed cow creamer?”

“It’s not his, it belongs to the Cowley Cricket Club. Yuzu wants some bozo to take the rap so they can start winning matches again. I have been chosen as said bozo because Yuzu can land me right in the soup vis-a-vis what the French would call “engagement” with the Princess.”

“Sir, this is a serious disaster!”

“You’re telling me, Muun! I am the toad beneath the harrow. And that is a very sad situation for a Frog Prince.”

“Is there no good prospect at all to it, sir?”

“The only bright spot is that If I steal the cow creamer by the end of Monday, Yuzu will definitively and permanently scotch the proposed Onecornchippie-Yancie team-up.”

“There may be some hope yet, in that case.”

“Yes, however I can’t see how to steal the satanic silverware or how to divest myself of it afterwards. Any thoughts, Muun?”

“It is a difficult position indeed, sir. It seems to me that the entire problem resolves into two interdependent sections which can be approached separately. First, to steal the creamer. Second, to get rid of it.”

“You’ve got it in a nutshell.”

“No solution immediately presents itself to my mind, sir, however I would suggest that sometimes a conundrum of this kind is best analysed by considering the desired end point, and working backwards from there.”

“If I got that clearly, Muun, you mean we should first find a victim deserving of the creamer’s wrath, and that will help us to work out the best way of transferring the item from its current situation to said victim.”

“Precisely, sir. For instance, if a professional burglar could be induced to enter Cowley Court in the night and steal the object, you would be able to satisfy Lord Yuzu’s conditions, while avoiding all the hazards of purloining the creamer for yourself.”

“That’s brilliant, Muun! You’ve come up trumps again! Where can I find a professional burglar, though?”

“I’m afraid that I have no idea, sir. I was merely positing what one might term a hypothetical scenario.”

Yancie heard or understood nothing more than “I have no idea.” Muun used very big words sometimes.

“Well, bosh then, Muun. Your reputation will take a dent if this news gets around. Don’t worry, I won’t peach on you. You need to get back on to your fish based diet, and sharpish. That will soon fettle up your brain.”

“Very well, sir. Thank you for the advice.”

“Anyway, I’m sure I can come up with a plan.”

“Undoubtedly, sir.”

Muun thought it unlikely Yancie would come up with an effective plan. Yancie’s plans often went wrong in unexpected ways. She resolved to put her considerable mental powers to use to find a solution.

“In the meanwhile, have you ascertained the other inmates of this ghastly pile?”

“Yes, sir. You’ve met Dr Mayoi already, of course, Lady Sakura and the Princess Onecornchippie. The other ladies present are Ms Chanmichan and Ms Hexy.”

“My word, is Hexy here? It will be fun to catch up with her.”

Yancie had been very briefly and rather rancorously involved with Hexy several months previously. She had since forgiven or forgotten the affair, though, and they were now friends.

Yancie knew Chanmichan of old. She was a pal of Chippie’s. At one time they had been friendly, but things cooled significantly when Chanmichan discovered Yancie’s interest in Mayoy, who was Chanmichan’s Husbando and Waifu at the same time.

“Of course that’s been all off for weeks now, thank Goddess, but what if Chanmichan still harboured resentments or suspicions?”

“What about the bois?”

“We have Mr Janjan, Mr Tsuchimursu, and Lord Kaki.”

Janjan was a fairly new member about whom Yancie knew little.

Yancie knew Tsuchimursu by reputation. A Mod, he preferred to spend his time out at a Walden Pond kind of house-hold in the south of the server where he could live a simple life and commune with nature.

“It’s odd for a nature boi like Tsuchimursu to be tempted to the fleshpots of a country house weekend. We’ll all have to be on our best behaviour, with a Mod in presence. Who is this Lord Kaki blister, Muun?”

“Lord Kaki owns Barking Towers, an estate nearby. He also sponsors a rival cricket team. There is no love lost between the two lords.”

“Perhaps he is here to challenge Yuzu to a match. I wonder if there might be an opportunity to unload the creamer onto him. Not that I bear any particular ill will to Kaki, but Yuzu is practically family.”

“You will have to steal it, first, sir.”

“Yes. Well, Muun, would you run a bath and lay out the old penguin suit? I’ll have a muse on tactics before I dress for dinner.”

“No cocktails, sir?”

“What’s the point. Fruit juice and soda water.”

After his relaxing bath playing with rubber duckies, Yancie took great care dressing. He was proud of his white tie evening set-up. The stiff waistcoat fitted perfectly, which was essential to avoid popping noises when you moved.

Yancie went down before the gong in order to discover the seating plan. The Court being littered with hazardous people of various types, he wanted to prepare himself mentally for the challenge of dinner table conversation.

The seating plan had been worked out by Sakiko in accordance with the formal principles: boi-girl-boi-girl, the order of social precedence, and the avoidance of a Husbando and Waifu sitting next to or opposite each other if possible.

The final result was: Lord Yuzu at one end, with the Princess at his right hand with Tsuchimursu on her right, then Mayoy, putting Yancie in between the doctor and Lady Sakura who was sat at the other end from her husband.

To Lady Sakura’s right was Lord Kaki, then Hexy, Janjan, and finally Chanmichan was sat on Yuzu’s left and opposite Onecornchippie.

“Evidently I was born under the wrong star. Look at Janjan there, pretty much a n00b yet he’s ended up between two of the liveliest girls. However he’s got Tsuchimursu opposite so it isn’t all oojah cum spiff for him.”

However, there was nothing to be done about it, so he went out into the garden for some fresh air, and thought about possible topics of conversation.

The dinner gong rang after a few minutes, and Yancie foregathered with the other guests. It was his duty to lead Mayoy to the table, which would have been pleasant if it were not for the feeling of Chanmichan’s eyes burning holes into his back.


TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88
(Inspired by The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse.)

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.4


Lady Sakura looked askance at Mayoy’s modern style, but she didn’t care. Neither did Yancie. He thought Mayoy looked splendid.

Mayoy was wearing a pure black, strappy flapper dress. It was square cut over the bust to expose her neck and shoulders, and fell daringly to just above the knee. Her glossy hair was drawn back and clipped with several silver clasps into a glorious multilayered waterfall so black it was almost ultraviolet.

“I say! You’re looking jolly nice, Mayoy.”

He held out his left arm, Mayoy languidly draped her right hand on it and he prepared to lead her to the dining room.

Lady Sakura gave Yancie a sideways look. Chanmichan looked jealous daggers at him. Chippie rolled her eyes. He avoided seeing Hexy’s reaction.

The dinner table was turning into a minefield and he hadn’t even sat down yet.

“I can’t help it if I like raven haired girls,” thought Yancie, “and blondes, and brunettes, and blues. And redheads too.”

They processed to the dining hall in the antique tradition.

Yancie seated Mayoy and took his place between her and Lady Sakura. The long ordeal began. He tried to console himself with a close reading of the menu, imagining the wines which should accompany each course.


Dinner

Iced caviar
“Good with champagne.”

Musk melon with parma ham
“A single estate Gruner Vertliner.”

Consomme of tomato
“Hock, or perhaps Meursault, well chilled.”

Lobster with crayfish and crab cream sauce
“A pouilly fume would be the conventional selection, but I would like to challenge it with a Picpoul de Pinet.”

Crayfish with crab and mussels cream sauce

Crab with mussels and lobster cream sauce.

Mussels with lobster and crayfish cream sauce.

“Odd,” Yancie thought, “Has the chef-bot got into a re-iterative loop?”

“Lady Sakura, is there a plague or infestation of crayfish and lobsters in the district? Are we summoned to aid in their destruction by dining upon them?”

“How embarrassing, Mr Yancie. Sakiko has slipped up badly letting this through. The fact is she’s over-due for a system update. I had better have that done tonight.”

“That’ll lead her logic gates back into line, will it? Yancie had scant knowledge of how bots worked.

“Certainly, however, it means we will be without a butler until luncheon, as the procedure will take at least 12 hours. That is a great nuisance.”

“Why don’t you borrow Muun? She can butle with the best, and cover the dinner service and so on. Then Sakiko can start to tune up her transistors right away.”

“What a kind offer! That would be most helpful, Mr Yancie. Thank you. I will give instructions now.”

Lady Sakura called Sakiko-bot over, and asked her to go and bring Muun. The two of them toddled back in a couple of minutes.

Once the change of hands was explained, Sakiko and Muun went off to Sakiko’s office, where Muun received the Court’s master keys and passwords. Sakiko put herself into system update mode. Muun went to supervise the proper service of dinner.

While this was going on Yancie had returned to his perusal of the menu.

Partridge (may contain shot)
Seared broccolli
Morels
Game chips
“Any claret with a predominance of Cabernet Sauvignon.”

Supreme of foie gras with champagne sauce
“Hmmm. Tricky… It needs some acid, A blanc des blancs would work, given the sauce.”

Salad
“Pffft.”

Baked Alaska
“Sauternes, or Montbazillac.”

Cheeseboard
“Port, of course.”

“Not bad,” he thought, but then he turned the card over to read the wines.

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Blank.

Yancie hadn’t paid proper attention to the table setting and now he looked, he saw that instead of the usual array of six or seven different wine glasses -- flute, hock glass, red wine, coupe, and so on -- there was a single highball tumbler for water.

On the butler’s sideboard were lined up bottles of still and sparkling mineral water.

“What a thrilling choice,” he sighed. “Oh well, it was a good dream while it lasted.”

Yancie thought of the perils that surrounded him; the various current and former girlfriends, Waifus, and potential fiancees. He thought of the task ahead, the problem of purloining the cursed cow creamer, and the difficulty of dispensing with it afterwards. He moped amid the low buzz of conversation.

“But now that Muun will have Sakiko’s keys, I surely will be able to get into the wine cellar tonight.”

This agreeable notion cheered him up considerably.

The first course came. Yancie ate mechanically, his mind blank.

Mayoy attracted his attention:

“Yancie, Hexy says she is about to level up to 100, on her birthday! Isn’t that good news.”

“Really, Hexy? Well done, old girl.”

“Thank you, Yancie.”

“You must be working hard at it. We both started about the same time and I am only level 83.”

“Perhaps I am a bit of a swot.”

“Not at all, I don’t take it as seriously as you, that’s all.”

Janjan asked Hexy for some advice on the game. He was still quite a n00b player.

Since everyone played the game, even Lady Sakura, this line of conversation got the table through the next two courses. Yancie sipped sparkling water and regretted what might have been.

The courses came in turn, were consumed, and the empty plates were removed. Eventually came the cheese, without port.

Since there was no reason for the ladies to withdraw and leave the gentlemen to drink by themselves, everyone went together for coffee and petit fours.

Yancie took the chance for a swift conflab with Muun.

“Congrats on your promotion, Muun, even if it’s only temporary.”

“Thank you, sir. It is an enjoyable exercise occasionally to have the running of a great house such as Cowley Court in one’s hands.”

“I was just wondering, what is the regular order of your rounds tonight to lock up the Court?”

“I will follow Sakiko’s routine, starting on the upper floors and working downwards to the kitchen and wine cellar.”

“And your visit to Yuzu’s study would come about when? I ask purely from a spirit of innocent enquiry you understand, seeking to learn more about your enlarged responsibilities.”

“Of course, sir. I expect I will reach Lord Yuzu’s door about 11:30.”

Yancie felt it would be very tactical to purloin the cow creamer before that door was locked. In fact he decided to go and do it straight away.

Yancie slipped out quietly and headed towards Yuzu’s study. He pulled on his white silk dress gloves as he went.

The door was unlocked. He closed it behind him and switched on the light. It was the work of a few seconds to locate the key to the cabinet, unlock it, and remove the case containing the cow creamer. He decided not to take the creamer out of its case. It was simply too horrid to carry around in plain sight.

Yancie locked the cabinet and pocketed the key. He opened the window and put the case on the ground just outside, where it was hidden from view by shrubbery.

“No-one will find it there. I shall creep out later to recover it.”

Yancie closed the window, switched off the light and listened at the door to make sure no-one was in the corridor. The coast was clear, so he zipped along the corridor and slipped back into the drawing room, entering as the second cups of coffee were being poured.

“Nicely done,” Yancie thought to himself. Now that part one of the mission was accomplished, he felt his spirits considerably buoyed up.

Since Lady Sakura abhorred the gramophone there were no records to dance to. She asked Yancie to play the piano and sing instead, but did not offer to clear space for dancing.

“Righty ho, Lady Sakura. Any special requests?”

The Yancie aspect was a keen and skillful pianist. He played a couple of scales and arpeggios to limber up his fingers.

The available sheet music looked pretty dull stuff. The Moonlight Sonata and other classical pieces. Yancie preferred light popular music, and had a few numbers by heart. He decided to kick off with “I’ve got rhythm”, adapting the lyrics to the situation.

I got rhythm, I got music, I got my girl
Who could ask for anything more
I’ve got daisies in green pastures
I’ve got my girl
Who could ask for anything more

Chippie coughed loudly. Mayoy sighed. Chanmichan looked outraged. Lady Sakura clapped and said, “Very good, Mr Yancie. Perhaps something slower next?”

Yancie launched into “Stompin’ at the Savoy,” a romantic slow number.

Savoy, the home of sweet romance
Savoy, it wins you at a glance
Savoy, gives happy feet a chance to dance
Your old form just like a clinging vine
Your lips so warm and sweet at wine
Your cheek so soft and close to mine, divine

He segued from that into Cocktails for Two. Lord Yuzu looked blue. Tsuchimursu looked blank. Mayoy looked peeved.

The whole thing was going down like a lead zeppelin, somehow. Yancie decided to bring the performance to a quick end.

“I can’t read the room right,” he thought. He left out the second verse and finished with a trill up and down the keyboard.

“I tell you what, how about a few hands of cards?”

Lady Sakura asked for card tables and new packs of cards to be brought in. Muun organised the operation with military precision.

There were standard French decks and Japanese Hanafuda to choose from.

Lord Yuzu, Lady Sakura, Tsuchimursu and Lord Kaki made up a four for Bridge. Chippie sat with Janjan and started to play at piquet.

Yancie fancied his chances with the Hanafuda. His baseline Yancy had become an expert in the popular game of Koi-koi while living in Tokyo, and this knowledge had carried through to his Frog Prince and Kuudere Detective aspects. He remembered that Mayoy had used to play it too.

“Mayoy, old top, would you like a go at Koi-koi?”

“Certainly, if Chanmichan can sit in and watch.”

“Why not, Hexy too, if you are interested.”

Hexy looked at the Hanafuda deck. “What kind of cards are these? They are so pretty.”

“They’re Japanese. The name means flower cards.” Mayoy explained the different suits and the symbolism of the flowers, which represented the 12 months of the year, and the way of winning points by collecting them.

They decided to play for 1 coin per 10 points. Yancie lost swiftly. His calls all seemed to go wrong. They played again. Yancie lost more. Chanmichan chortled as Mayoy’s winnings piled up. Mayoy looked a bit worried.

“You used to be better than this, Yancie. At the rate it’s going, you’ll have to sell your car and take a third class ticket home.”

Yancie was too well off to worry about his monetary losses. He made light of it.

“Oh well, unlucky at cards, lucky in love, Mayoy. At least the coins are going to a good cause.”

But something else struck him; “Is it the curse?” he thought. “How could it come upon me so swiftly! And if I become lucky in love...”

Sandwiched between the Scylla and Charybdis and the Sirens of several old flames and current threatened fiancees, Yancie felt a sudden premonition of impending doom.

“From where I stand, to become lucky in Love is to become distinctly unlucky! I had better get out of here, and sharpish.”

Yancie paid the rest of his losses, stood up and apologised; “I’m sorry, girls. I’m not feeling my best. I think I’ll turn in early tonight.”

They made appropriate noises of sympathy. Yancie went upstairs to his room and sat down.

“What’s happened to me?”

He decided to recover the Cow Creamer from its hiding place once everyone else retired for the night, and settled down with Cells at Work 2, to while away the time.


TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88
(Inspired by The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse.)

I Got Rhythm, 1930, by George and Ira Gershwin
Stompin’ at the Savoy, 1934, by Edgar Sampson, lyrics by Andy Razaf

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.5


Cells at Work 2 proved as intellectually taxing as book 1 had been, even though Yancie was by now familiar with the main characters such as Red Blood Cell AE 3803.

He finished the first chapter and felt rather tired. He put his feet up and fell asleep slumped in the chair, still wearing his evening suit. Muun found him snoozing when she came to check during her rounds.

“Oh sir, you will have creased our suit!”

“I am sorry Muun. I’m so careless.” He stood up and looked with chagrin at the tails of his coat. They were in truth somewhat rumpled.

“I will change now.” He went into the bedroom, and changed quickly into his pyjamas and dressing gown.

“Thank you, sir. I will take it and steam the creases out directly.”

The clock read 11:05.

“Who is still up, Muun?”

“Tsuchimursu and Janjan are playing billiards. Everyone else has retired.”

“Jolly good. Listen Muun, when you bring the suit back, would there be any chance of a snifter? You have to check the wine cellar is locked, after all. You simply can’t imagine the mental strain I have been put through today.”

“I will see what can be arranged, sir.”

15 minutes later Muun returned, carrying the freshly pressed suit. She also had a tantalus containing two decanters. Some glasses and a soda syphon were in the room already.

“Top hole, Muun! Thanks for rallying round. Just leave it there and toddle off to complete your important turnkeyings.”

“Thank you, sir. I expect I will finish at 11:45. Goodnight, sir.”

“Good Night, sleep tight, hope the bed bugs don’t bite!”

Yancie checked the tantalus. Whisky and brandy. Either would go well with soda water. Which was the best choice to prepare for a night of stealthy heroics?

“Claret is the liquor for bois, port for a man; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.”

He was about to pour a drop when there was a knock at his door. Since it couldn’t be Muun, it must be someone else. But who? It had been a light rap -- a girl, perhaps? He hid the tantalus in the wardrobe, and went to answer.

“Mayoy! What are you doing here?”

Mayoy was wearing a languid pajama suit in dark blue, and a light cream silk dressing gown which clung to her svelte figure. A heady perfume drifted in the air.

Although Yancie was too much of a gentleman to allow his eyes to rove, he was very open to feminine pulchritude when it moved into his field of view of its own volition. Mayoy was highly pulchritudinous, he confirmed by direct observation.

“I thought I should check on you, as you weren’t feeling well.”

“Thanks old stick, I’m fine now. It was just a bit of a headache. Your professional concern does you great credit, of course.”

Mayoy put her palm to Yancie’s forehead to feel his temperature. The contact was soft and warm.

“Is that strictly scientific, Mayoy?”

She took her hand away and reached for his wrist.

“I need to take your pulse.”

Yancie gulped quietly. “I’m hunky-dory, Mayoy, there’s no need to worry!”

She pressed two fingers to his pulse point, and rubbed her other thumb on his palm.

15 seconds passed.

“Hmmm. Slightly elevated pulse rate…”

“Er…”

“Yancie, your songs earlier…”

“I, I, I… I wasn’t on top form, I’m afraid. A slight numbness of the noggin, you know.”

“Those romantic songs… They were for me, weren’t they…?”

“Ah…”

Mayoy seemed to have developed anime eyes, wide expressive dark pools a chap felt he could fall into. They were growing larger as he gazed into them. No! He was slowly leaning forwards!!!

“Yancie, you’re such a dear silly boi.”

“Um…”

“But it cannot be!”

“Oh?” He straightened up.

“We’re incompatible. Remember last time.”

Yancie certainly did remember. Mayoy’s fervor to improve what she considered his shallow intellect. The denial of his beloved pulp mystery novels. The insistence on training his mind with dialecticism, or dialecticals, or dialectricals. His brain ached just trying to remember the word.

“Well, er…”

“Try to forget me if you can, dear Yancie. I must deny you. We are not good for each other. You should find someone else. Please forgive me.”

She patted his head gently, sighed, and went away to her own room. He watched her go. She was worth watching.

“Phew!”

Yancie wasn’t sure whether to count that as a lucky escape or a missed opportunity. A renewed engagement with Mayoy would save him from an engagement with the Princess, it was true, but things really had not worked out well previously.

“Out of the fire, into the frying pan, perhaps.” He thought.

A heavy tread came down the passage from the other direction. The tall figure of Tsuchimursu loomed out of the gloom. The floorboards creaked ominously as he approached.

“Oh, hello Tsuchimursu. Who won at billiards?

“I saw that, Yancie, you spider!”


“What? You’ve got some cheek spying on a chap with a girl and calling him a spider.”


“You’re a spider. I’ve seen you, weaving your webs to catch Mayoy. You keep away from her if you know what’s good for you!”

“I’ll report you to your local Better Business Bureau.” It was the only threat he could think of in the circumstances.

“Piffle! As if I would care.”

The hefty Mod stomped off towards his bedroom.

Yancie ducked back into his own room and shut the door before something else could happen. He turned the key and slumped into his chair.

His carriage clock chimed 11:30.

“I’ll run out of time!”

Yancie poured a stiff brandy, squirted a splash of soda water into if for the sake of health, and drained the heady mixture. He strode boldly to the door, unlocked it, and remembered that he needed to be stealthy. He switched off the light and crept out.

The corridor was very dark, illuminated only by starlight through the windows and thin bars of light from under some of the doors. Yancie wished he had an electric torch, or even a candle. Too late for that now. It would be touch and go if he could get to Lord Yuzu’s study before Muun.

Yancie tried to creep quietly and quickly. He came to the main landing. There was more light there, enabling him to traverse the stairs safely. He reached the hall and turned down the corridor which led to the fateful study. He heard a noise in the distance behind him. It was quiet steps and the clinking of a keyring.

Yancie sped up as much as possible, got to what he thought was Yuzu’s study door and nipped inside. He went to the window, leant out and felt for the box of the cow creamer. Nothing!

There were footsteps in the corridor. They paused outside the door, and he heard the turn of a key in the lock. The footsteps moved on, and the performance was repeated.

Yancie turned his back to the wall and sat on the floor. He waited until whoever it was outside -- Muun he was fairly sure, but not 100% -- had gone back down the corridor, and all was quiet.

“Right. Good. I’m locked in. Or locked out. And no cow creamer… I must have gone into the wrong room.”

Yancie decided to climb out of the window and go along the outside wall until he found the missing box. He got over the window sill and fell down outside in a hedge. He dusted himself off, turned right, and began to creep along below the row of windows. Two mullions along his foot nudged an object; it was the cow creamer case. He picked it up with a mixed emotion of relief and foreboding.

“There’s no use getting back into the same locked room. I had better climb up to my own room.”

Yancie tiptoed through the rose garden and round to the west wing of the Court, where his guest suite was on the first floor in the British and Japanese method of counting. Luckily he had left the window open, owing to the mild weather, and there was an ancient, sturdy wisteria which grew along most of the walls. He hung the creamer’s case around his neck with his dressing down cord, and began to climb.

Normally Yancie would have found this a very tricky task, owing to the irrational fear of heights which derived from his baseline personality and ran through most of his aspects.

However, he was saved by the combination of several factors; 1) he had often climbed this same wisteria in years of boyhood, 2) the darkness concealed the height from him, and there was no wind, 3) he was by now quite tight from the treble brandy he had sucked down earlier.

Limber as a monkey, Yancie hauled himself up to his bedroom window. He swung it open quietly, and lowered the case to the floor inside. He took a deep breath and prepared to swing himself in but, suddenly, he recognised a familiar scent. It was the heady perfume which Mayoy had sported when she came to visit earlier in the evening.

Boggled, Yancie paused to ponder on this unexpected development.

“Either Mayoy has crept back to my room, which is unlikely for several reasons, or I’ve climbed up to hers by mistake.

“At any rate, my code of honour absolutely precludes me from entering an unaware girl’s room in the night.”

Suddenly it struck Yancie that if Mayoy actually had crept round to his room, it meant that her room would be empty and he could climb in there. So he clambered laterally until he came to what he thought must be his own room. He took a good sniff of the air. There was a manly smell, an odour of damp outdoor clothing and muddy boots.

“Certainly not my room!” he thought. If Yancie ventured into country districts his boots were cleaned as soon as he returned from a walk. Muun would not have it any other way. She prized their wardrobe, except for his correspondent shoes.

“I need another drink. Think! Think!”

…

It dawned on him with horror that this must be Tsuchimursu’s room. His skin crept.

Yancie felt his morale slipping and tried to rally himself. He clung to the wisteria and remember the incident earlier in the evening.

“Mayoy came to my door and then she went that way, then Tsuchimursu came from the other direction and went back the same way, so my room is in the middle.”

Certain now that he could find his own window, Yancie clambered laterally the opposite way, and then up, and eased his window open wide. A comforting scent of brandy lingered in the air. He thankfully got over the window sill and fell onto the floor as his nerves and muscles gave out in relief. He sat there for a minute and gathered his thoughts.

“I always did say that scent was an important factor in detecting, and I was bang on.”

He got up, reached for the brandy bottle, poured a finger into his glass, topped it up with soda water, and drank it thirstily. His raddled nerves gathered themselves into fighting trim.

“Right!”

“So.”

“What I’ve got to do as soon as I can is to get Mayoy by herself somehow, and get the cow creamer back off her.”

He couldn’t think how to do it, so he went to bed, hoping that a new day would bring inspiration.


TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88
(Inspired by The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse.)

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.6


Muun was late to bed and early to rise.

Her pride as a butler sustained her in her duties. That, and the prospect of the substantial honorarium which Lady Sakura would have to cough up in appreciation of her help.

Muun walked around the Court and opened the necessary doors with her master keys. Then she checked that the preparations for breakfast service were properly in hand.

She looked in on Sakiko-bot, who was still downloading and installing software patches. It looked to be at least another couple of hours to go. Muun thought she should consult with Lady Sakura about luncheon.

Next, Muun collected the early morning tea and breakfast trays for particular guests. Yancie wasn’t among these, but Muun had used her butler’s privilege to add his name to the list. She was worried that Yancie might have embarked on one of his schemes, and she wanted to check on him as soon as possible.

Entering Yancie’s room, Muun noted the half-empty brandy decanter, and the dressing gown and slippers he had carelessly discarded.

There were some leaves lying around, privet, rose, and wisteria, and some rose petals. The slippers were slightly muddy. The dressing gown lacked its cord. She sighed, and quickly tidied up, and left the tea tray on the writing table.

The next visit was Doctor Mayoy, whom Muun respected greatly for her learning and intellectual capability. Mayoy was still asleep, so Muun laid out the light breakfast and knocked on the bedroom door.

“Breakfast, Doctor, as you requested…”

There was a muffled thank you.

Muun checked the room and was surprised to find a leather covered case under the window. It was something like the kind of case a doctor might carry on home visits. However there was an oddly familiar, wound silk cord threaded through the handle. She recognised it as belonging to Yancie’s dressing gown.

“What in Goddess’s name is it doing here?”

Various scenarios span out from Muun’s rapid cogitations.

Could Mayoy have appropriated the cord? Had Yancie brought it here? Why? Might it involve Shibari?

Did that mean Yancie had finally managed to get himself tired but relaxed? It seemed unlikely, given his code of honour.

What was in the black leather case? Was it Dr. Mayoy’s? If not, then whose?

What about the leaves and dirt in Yancie’s room? They were evidence of extensive external nocturnal movements.

Muun integrated her various observations and suppositions. She inferred that Yancie must have climbed up to Mayoy’s window from the outside with the case slung on his dressing gown cord, and lowered it in through the window.

But for Goddess's sake, why?

Why would Yancie go roaming and climbing around the outside of the Court to reach a lover’s bedroom, when he could simply walk down the corridor? Especially in light of his notorious acrophobia.

If the case was Mayoy’s, why would Yancie have taken it, or been given it, and why should he feel the need to return it by such unorthodox methods?

It had the stamp of one of Yancie’s bizarre plans. It made no kind of sense.

Muun did not consider herself a great detective, but she thought, correctly, that she was pretty good. Also, the Muun aspect had high intelligence and powers of logical reasoning.

She decided the situation warranted further discreet investigation. She took the leather case as evidence, and stowed it on the lower level of her butler trolley.

Muun wheeled back to her butler’s pantry and put the carry case in a corner where it would not be easily noticed. She rolled up the dressing gown cord and put it in her pocket.

Meanwhile Yancie groaned into life. His unaccountable headache was soothed by hot tea and a bath. He dressed in a natty tweed suit and brown oxford brogues, and went down for breakfast.

In the dining room, the sideboard was laid with a breakfast buffet; Sausages, bacon, black pudding, fried, poached, and scrambled eggs, kippers, kidneys, kedgeree, mushrooms, tomatoes, smoked salmon, porridge, toast, butter, and marmalade, all kept warm over hot water baths and tea lights. No Scottish or Welsh guests, so no haggis or laver bread.

Yancie helped himself to kedgeree, a fried egg, a sausage, and some toast and marmalade. He sat down with a pot of coffee. All Yancie’s aspects drank black coffee in the morning. It was the regular habit of his baseline.

Yancie was still pushing half the banger around his plate when Princess Onecornchippie came in. He stood up.

“Good morning, Yancie.” The Princess looked at him closely. If she hadn’t known better, she would have said he was hung over. But it was not possible under the current teetotalitarian regime. “How are you?”

“Good morning, Chippie. I’m feeling somewhat languid, even languishing. Would you like to drink coffee in the morning with me?”

The baseline Yancy understood the social implication of this phrase thanks to his IRL Japanese flatmate in Tokyo, and would never have said it without a direct purpose. But it was arcane knowledge to some of his aspects, including Yancie, as it turned out. Unless it was a joke.

“Tchoh! Yancie, why are you asking me such a thing? We’re in enough difficulty as it is.”

“Fret no more, old bean. The dirty deed is done! We’ll be out of the soup and back in clover in a trice. Well, a couple of days perhaps, but no more."

“Gosh! Have you really stolen it?” Onecornchippie was quite impressed at Yancie’s swift, decisive action.

“Stolen is a rather low way of putting it. I prefer to think of this as a noble campaign of liberation.”

"It will certainly liberate you and me, if you pull it off! Well done!"

Yancie beamed at his Husbando's praise.

"Where is it now?"

"In Mayoy… er, actually, perhaps it's best you don't know."

Chippie thought about it and silently concurred. Some questions were better left unanswered, or unasked in the first place.

But she trusted him. All of Yancy's aspects had their heart in the right palce, whatever stupid shenanigans he got up to during his madcap adventures. Besides, he had Muun looking out for his back. It would be alright, somehow. It always was.

"So, Waifu, what do you recommend from the buffet?"

"The toast is nice and crisp. The kedgeree is rather spicy, if you like it hot."

Onecornchippie took some toast, butter, and a couple of poached eggs. Yancie poured her coffee.

They sat in companionable silence for a while. Yancie finished his sausage.

“Well, old girl… I think I had better get on with things.”

“I would say Good Luck, but… Well… Please take care, Yancie.”

Yancie went back up to his room. He took a glass and used it to listen at the wall which separated his room from Mayoy’s. Silence. Perhaps she had gone out.

Yancie went to Mayoy’s door and knocked. There was no answer.

“I could just nip in and nab the bally thing. I mean, I’ve already stolen it once, so why not twice.”

He hesitated, though. Yancie felt intense guilt at the idea of invading someone else’s room, especially a girl’s.

“Come on, Yancie, hurry up!” he thought. “You have to do it for the sake of the Princess.”

Yancie managed to overcome his scruples and went in. He tried not to see the female stuff lying about the place in case underthings were in view. He made a beeline for the cow creamer case under the window.

But it wasn’t there!

Yancie was considerably disconcerted.

The situation deteriorated further as light, girlish steps came down the passage and paused outside the door. Chanmichan’s voice called out, “Mayoy, dear, are you there? May I come in?”

Yancie gasped and leapt to the window. He looked out. Dismay!

Yancie was caught between the horror of being found unannounced in a girl’s room, or a climb down the wisteria in full daylight with his acrophobia. His head reeled.

Yancie fainted.

…

Chanmichan heard an odd noise from inside Mayoy’s room, a kind of whimper. She threw the door open but there was no-one there. She went to the window and looked out. There were people boating on the lake. Who? Mayoy and Tsuchimursu, together in a jolly boat!

Seething with jealousy, Chanmichan rushed out, down the stairs, into the rose garden, and ran around the house towards the lake. She rounded the corner and bumped into a tall slim man.

“Yancie! You look like you’re been dragged through a hedge backwards.”

Yancie looked rather dazed and confused, but then he often did. More unusually, he was covered in twigs and small leaves, a strange departure from his normal elegance.

“I, er… I, er… I er… thought I saw a frog. In the hedge. But it wasn’t.”

“If you want to find frogs come with me, I’m going to the lake and I need your help.”

She impetuously grabbed Yancie’s hand and ran, pulling him along.

“I say, wait a mo, old thing, you can’t just grab a fellow’s hand and run off with him!”


But Chanmichan would not be denied. Yancie consoled himself with the thought that his code of honour required him to help a girl in distress.

Since Yancie was tall and Chanmichan was smol, they did not run well hand in hand. Chanmi-chan dropped his hand and ran on. Yancie followed her to the shore of the lake.

"There! You see them. Tsuchimursu and Mayoy in a jolly boat together."

"What's wrong with that? A chap and a girl often like to go boating when… Oh, I see what you mean."

"Yes! So I want you to row me out there."

"I can't row you, Chanmichan."

"Whyever not?"

"Rowing means using one big oar with both hands on it, only it's called a sweep not an oar. You can see how that won't work. We would just go round in circles like a whirligig beetle."

Chanmichan looked blank.

"No, I shall scull you. That means two small oars, one in each hand, only they are called blades not oars."

Chanmichan stamped her foot.

"Scull or row, punt or pedalo, just get me out on the lake, Yancie!"

“Pronto or sooner, ma petite amirale.” Thanks partly to a mild concussion, Yancie was caught up in the excitement of the chase.

They went to the boathouse, where various small craft were tied up, including another jolly boat, a duck punt, and several Thames skiffs of one, two, and four seat capacity.

Yancie selected the single seat skiff, found a pair of blades and shipped them skillfully. He threw a bailer in, checked the rudder lines, and put a cushion on the cox’s seat.

He handed Chanmichan down into the boat. “You sit in the stern sheets and steer. Do you know to steer?”

“No.”

“Well it doesn’t matter. I’ll steer with my blades.”

Yancie untied the painter, got in and sat on the thwart. He adjusted the stretcher to the right length, and manoeuvred the sleek little skiff out of the boathouse with a few deft strokes.

“Jolly boating weather,
“And a hay harvest breeze,
“Blade on the feather,
“And shade off the trees.”

He sang in his clear tenor voice as he powered the boat out into the centre of the lake.

Yancie liked nothing better than boating with a pretty girl, unless it was cycling with a pretty girl, or dancing with a pretty girl. From where he was sitting, he had a good view of Chanmichan, since of course the sculler sits facing the stern.

Chanmichan ignored him and kept her eyes fixed on Tsuchimursu’s boat in the distance.



TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88
(Inspired by The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse.)

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.7


Muun took breakfast by herself in the butler’s pantry. She wished to examine the mysterious black box she had recovered from Mayoy’s room with Yancie’s dressing gown cord tied to its carrying handle.

She looked at it from all angles. It was rectangular, made of black leather possibly formed onto a wooden frame. She measured it. One foot wide by eight inches high and eight deep. It opened at the top and sides. One face hinged down and the other was fixed. There was a keyhole.

Muun got her detective lockpicks. It took a minute or so to open the lock. She hinged the door down.

The contents were so shocking that Muun raised an eyebrow.

An obscene combination of a cow, an octopus, and an elephant, made flesh in sterling silver. This obviously was the cursed cow creamer.

It was easy to understand from the look of it, that the ghastly ‘objet d’art’ might cast a malign spell.

“That said, it is somewhat tarnished. I had better polish it.”

Muun’s butling instincts were strong.

She got out her silverware gloves and polish, and gave the creamer a jolly good once over, then a twice over to make sure.

No genies appeared, which was a slight disappointment and, at the same time, a relief.

“Hum.”

Muun revised her concept of the previous night’s goings on.

Yancie got into Yuzu’s study around dinner time, stole the cow creamer and put it outside the window.
This caused the curse to fall upon him, which was proved by his dreadful performance at Koi-koi.
After everyone went to bed, Yancie went out in his dressing gown, no doubt while I was on my late rounds, and brought the box round to underneath the window of his own room.
He climbed the wisteria to his room, but he made a mistake about the window, and he put the box into Mayoy’s room, which was next door to his own.
Then he climbed back into his own room, without the creamer.

“Amazing that he did all that with his irrational fear of heights… At any rate, Yancie has accomplished the first part of the mission, and is cursed! The question is what to do about it."

Muun still had no ideas. She put the cow creamer back in its box, and wondered what difficulties Yancie would get himself into next.

…

Out on the lake, Yancie was pulling steadily for Tsuchimursu’s jolly boat.

Chanmichan stood up and started to wave vigorously and jump up and down. There was a cracking noise.

“Steady on, you silly blighter, you’ll have us over if you don’t fall in!”

She took no notice. Yancie righted the skiff by locking his blades in the safe position. This made the spoons act as outriggers, so the boat sat steady and level in the water.

“Er, Chanmichan, can you swim?”


“Why are you asking, Yancie, and why have you stopped rowing?”

“I’m not rowing, I’m sculling. This was explained earlier, you young twerp.” His patience was wearing thin. He had a headache.

“Don’t twerp me, you, you... I don’t know…. You twerp. There’s a mission and we’re on it. Yancie, I thought you were my knight in shining armour. Please?”

“Look, Chanmichan, seriously can you swim?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because we are taking in water.”

It was true. The skiff was slowly filling with water. It had crept above the floorboards and would soon be over their ankles.

“Oh no!”

“Don’t worry, Chanmichan, we won’t sink too fast. If you will bail I can get us to the shore.”

“How do I bail, Yancie?”

“You take the bailer…” Yancie held up the small bucket for her… “And you scoop up water from the bottom of the boat, and you chuck it over the side.”

Chanmichan took the bailer, filled it with bilge water, and chucked it over the side. It sank instantly.

“Um, Chanmichan.”


“Yes?”

“Actually you’re supposed to keep the bailer for a second go, and then a third, and so on.”

“Oh nooo! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Don’t worry. Use a shoe.”

Chanmichan was wearing rather attractive open toe strappy sandals. Her painted toenails twinkled, but the sandals were useless for bailing. She looked at them, then at Yancie.

“Use my shoe then.”

Yancie unlaced one of his brogues and gave it to her. Chanmichan began to scoop water out of the boat as quickly as she could, about a pint at a time. Yancie plied his sculls, turned the skiff’s prow to the nearest shore, and paddled hard.

Tsuchimursu had spotted the little boat was in difficulties. He began to pull towards them. Although an inexpert oarsman, he was strong, and he put his back into it.

Chanmichan bailed like a hero.

Yancie checked their progress. It was touch and go whether they could make landfall before foundering.

“Good girl! Keep it up and we’ll be fine.” It was important to maintain her morale. But things didn’t really look very good. Yancie sculled on.

"Listen Chanmichan, can you swim? Really?”

“No.”

“Alright, we’ll get you over to Tsuchimursu’s boat.”

Yancie stopped sculling and started bailing with his other shoe. They waited for Tsuchimursu to catch up.

Chanmichan and Yancie managed to keep their skiff above water until Tsuchimursu and Mayoy drew alongside. Yancie helped them get Chanmichan up into the jolly boat. She fell into Mayoy’s arms and burst into tears. Mayoy comforted her with hugs and head pats.

“Yancie, you come now!” Tsuchimursu ordered him.

Yancie wasn’t scared because he had been in the water with capsized boats before, in worse places than this. Once the weight of Chanmichan was out of the boat it floated a bit higher.

“Lend me your bailer, there’s a good chap. I’m pretty sure I can get her back to the shore.”

Tsuchimursu handed down his bailer.

Bailing hard, Yancie was able to gain on the flooding. When the boat was floating better he sat down and pulled like billy-o, stopping when necessary to bail a bit more. He wanted to get the skiff close enough to shore for it to be recovered if it sank. It would be a shame to lose a good boat which probably only wanted a simple repair.

Tsuchimursu gallantly followed, in case Yancie got into further difficulties. The girls cheered the two bois on.

The skiff went slower and slower as it filled. Yancie just managed to get the nose into the bank before the water lapped over the gunwales. He was able to walk up the boat onto dry land. However he was soaking wet from the waist down, pretty damp above, and one shoe had floated away and sunk.

Yancie tied the skiff’s painter to a shrub, just in case, and set off to carry the blades and cushion back to the boathouse.

Tsuchimursu rowed his jolly boat back to the boathouse, where he, Mayoy and Chanmichan disembarked. They found Yancie sitting on a bench outside, one shoe in his hands, and his blades and a wet cushion on the ground in front of him.

“Oh Yancie! I’m so sorry!” Chanmichan burst into tears again.

“Fret not, young nereid. Any boat trip when you don’t swim home is a success! Besides, it'll be a great story for dinnertime."

Mayoy looked suspiciously at Yancie. There was something wrong with him. She gave him a quick examination. Apart from his wet and torn clothes, he had a small contusion to the back of his head.

“Have you been fighting, or falling over or something, Yancie?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I was looking for a frog. In the hedge. I can’t remember the details.”

“How’s your head?”

“I’ve got a bit of a headache actually, old thing.”

It looked like a mild concussion. How he got it wasn’t as important as that he needed treatment.

“We must get you back to the Court, and you need to rest.”

They walked back, dripping more or less hard, depending how wet they had got during the rescue.

Mayoy gave medical instructions to Chanmichan and Yancie. A hot bath, then rest.

Chanmichan was fine after her bath. She spent the rest of the day talking about her boat adventure with anyone who would listen.

Yancie got a padded plaster on the back of his head. Then medical orders; no excitement, no reading or games. He was put straight to bed like a child, with a mug of warm milk and a couple of aspirin.

Yancie slept all through luncheon, and woke up in the mid-afternoon. Hexy was sitting with him. Someone had to, to check his concussion did not get worse.

“Yancie, you’re awake. How do you feel?”

“Oh, hello Hexy. I feel somewhat refreshed, actually, and deuced hungry. But look, ought you really to be sitting in with me, as a single girl, I mean?”

“Doctor Mayoy’s orders.”

“Oh.”

Yancie wondered if Mayoy was trying to set him up with Hexy. She might not know about what had happened the last time.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Concussion, she said. That’s why someone had to sit with you.”

“I’m sorry you pulled the short straw, Hexy. Thank you very much.”

“It’s okay. We took it in turns. It’s only luck I am here right now. Anyway, I was able to catch up on some reading.”

“But look, how did I get a concussion?”

“No-one knows. Perhaps you fell over and hit your head.”

“I had a weird dream about frogs.”

“You should tell the Princess.”

“Yes, she would like it.

“Am I allowed to get up now?”

“I’ll ask Mayoy to come and check you.”

“Thanks awfully again, old top. I’m sorry to have spoiled your afternoon.”

“It’s nothing, Yancie. Actually, you’re a bit of a hero right now, for having rescued Chanmichan. We all felt we should rally round.”

“I only did what any chap would do.”

“Even so…”

Hexy went off to find Mayoy and Muun. Yancie relaxed as much as possible given his gnawing hunger. But his mind was troubled by some unknown circumstance.

“There’s something I was supposed to do, but what was it?”


He couldn’t remember what he was doing before he went on the lake.

Doctor Mayoy and Muun arrived. After examining him, Mayoy said Yancie was probably fine, but it wouldn’t do any harm for him to get back to the Mod Channel and have a night in hospital there.

“I will arrange it straight away, Doctor.”

Muun quickly packed an overnight bag, summoned a footman and instructed him to take Yancie to the station and put him in a first class carriage back to the centre of The Server.

“But Muun, aren’t you coming with me? How can I get along by myself?”

“Sakiko-bot’s upgrade patches have failed. She needs to be rebooted and reinstalled, so I’m staying here for a day or two. Tsuchimursu will go with you. He has to go back the the Mod Channel.”

“Righty-ho, Muun. Is there any chance of some sandwiches or a pie, perhaps? You wouldn’t believe how hungry I am.”

“I will put you up a picnic, sir, to take on the train.”

“Thanks awfully, Muun.”

Muun quickly and efficiently packed a small bag for Yancie, and a more substantial picnic basket. Cognisant that neither Yancie nor Tsuchimursu were enemies of the grape or grain, she include a bot of the best from Sakiko’s cellar.

The two bois were seen off by Lady Sakura, and taxied down to Cowley Station in good time to catch the express train.

Having seen them off, Muun considered what her next move should be. She possessed the creamer, while Yancie bore the curse., and Yuzu counted his blessings.



TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88
(Inspired by The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse.)

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.8


Yancie, Tsuchimursu and Muun took a taxi to Cowley Station, to catch the 15:55 express back to The Server's Central Station.

Muun put them and the picnic basket in a first class compartment. Tsuchimursu’s big trunk and Yancie’s overnight bag went into the baggage van.

Muun waved in a dignified manner as the train pulled out. Yancie waved back enthusiastically. He enjoyed railway journeys, and was looking forwards to speeding through the countryside while scoffing a picnic.

Tsuchimursu gave a thumbs up.

They opened the basket straight away. Yancie was starving, and Tsuchimursu wasn’t the kind of boi to pass up some good food and drink. At first they ate in silence. Once the edge was off his hunger, Yancie felt the need for civilised conversation.

“I say, Tsuchimursu, you handled that jolly boat pretty well today.”

“I have been on lakes many times, in my forest home.”

“Chanmichan and I would have been properly sunk if you weren’t there. Then again, if you hadn't been there with Mayoy, we wouldn’t have been there either, ha ha! Thanks awfully for your help all the same.”

“The Mods are here to help. We do not bite, you know, not even Mistress Kou.”


“Skyen bites. She bit my ear.” He showed Tsuchimursu the scar.

“No. That was Holo the Wise-wolf who bit your ear.”

“Yes, you’re right .Skyen was the avatar of Holo when she bit me. She didn’t remember it afterwards.”

“How was it, to run with Holo?

“I don’t mind telling you that I have never been so afraid in my life. You can't know what it's like to jump off the edge of the world when you have an irrational fear of heights.”

Yancie shivered at the memory.

“No. I meant, how was it to see Holo sky-clad?”

“Sky-clad? You mean… deshabillé.“ Yancie blushed. “Come on, a chap can’t talk about that sort of thing, if he’s a gentleman.”

Tsuchimursu regarded him evenly and said nothing.

“I didn’t want to look, but she made me. I don’t think of Holo like that, though.”

“How do you think of her?”


“Holo is a force of nature, the essence of life. 'She is as beautiful as the moon, as bright as the sun, as terrifying as an army arrayed with banners.' * ”

“Do you like nature, Yancie?”

“Nature’s delightful, of course, in measured doses. I’m a city boi at heart.”

“I am a nature boi at heart. I prefer my forests and lakes to the city. I shall return to them after I will have delivered you to the hospital.”

“I suppose I shall go back to the Palace when they let me out. There’s something I’m supposed to do, but I can’t remember what. Something to do with frogs, or swans, or cows.”

“You will not find many of them in Pink Home, Yancie. Better you come with me to the forests and lakes.”

...

Having seen off Tsuchimursu and Yancie, Muun returned to the Court to muse upon her next move. She possessed the creamer, while Yancie bore the curse, and Yuzu counted his blessings. Assuming he had got knowledge of the theft yet, which wasn’t certain.

"Since I have the creamer, it's up to me to deal with it for now. Still, it's only Saturday. I will send a telegram to Yancie in the morning."

…

Yancie got a thorough check over at the hospital. They didn't think he needed to stay, so he was sent home with some instructions for self care and monitoring. He let himself into the Palace and wondered what to do for the evening.

He wasn't hungry or tired. He was a bit bored, but he wasn't allowed out for any fun for a while. No videogames either.

Yancie thought of the fun that people were having at the Court. Particularly young Janjan, surrounded by pretty girls, and his only rival that prune Lord Kaki.

"Or is Kaki married? Still, I am better off out of it either way."

He decided to play piano and sing. Onecornchippy had a pretty decent baby grand. He did a couple of trills up and down, and some walking boogie-woogie, to warm up his hands. Then...

“Some fellers love to ‘Tiptoe Through the Tulips.’
“Some fellers go on ‘Singing in the Rain.’
“Some fellers keep on ‘Painting Skies With Sunshine.’
“Some fellers must go ‘Swingin' Down the Lane.

“But I'm bidin' my time
“Cause that's the kinda guy I'm
“While other folks grow dizzy
“I keep busy
“Bidin' my time” *2

Singing cheered Yancie up, but it made him thirsty. He had been advised not to drink, but he couldn't believe a weak G&T would do any harm.

"Gin is an ancient medicine, after all."

He filled a glass with ice, poured a modest measure of Tanqueray Export Strength, and topped it up with plenty of tonic.

He went to the balcony doors, to look out at the lights of The Server in the gathering dusk. He often did this, when trying to think. He sipped his drink.

Something made Yancie open the doors and take a step out onto the balcony. He sensed the cavernous gulf beneath his feet, and felt the wind which made him think he would blow away or fall..

Dread and dizziness arose rapidly, filling his mind. He stepped back, once, twice, carefully, to avoid the looming edge of the balcony which reached for him. Once he was inside, the fear subsided as swiftly as it had overcome him.

"I remember! The cow creamer! Where is it? I’ve got to get it back."

Yancie's memory had returned of a sudden, perhaps stimulated by his mental anguish. It was a similar situation to when Chanmichan nearly caught him in Mayoy’s room.

He ran to his writing desk in a state of near panic and found a blank telegram form. He filled it up quickly, then belled the concierge to summon a post office messenger boi to take it immediately to the central post office.

++ CHIPPIE STOP IT WASNT A FROG I WAS LOOKING FOR STOP ++
++ IVE LOST IT STOP YANCIE ++

Yancie sat down anxiously to wait for a reply. It came in half an hour. He gave the post boi a coin and told him to wait for a reply.

++ WHAT FROG QUESTION MARK YOUVE REALLY LOST IT THIS TIME ++ ++ EXCLAMATION MARK CHIPPIE ++

Yancie sent back.

++ I WENT TO MAYOYS ROOM FOR IT STOP YANCIE ++

Onecornchippie thought this sounded rather comprising.

++ WHAT DID YOU WANT IN MAYOYS ROOM QUESTION MARK CHIPPIE ++

The post boi was red and sweaty from his urgent pedalling. Yancie gave him two coins to wait.

++ SOMETHING PRIVATE STOP YOU CAN GUESS WHAT STOP ++
++ I DONT WANT TO SPELL IT OUT STOP YANCIE ++

This sounded even worse to the Princess. She replied angrily.

++ YANCIE IF YOU AND MAYOY HAVE BEEN CARRYING ON ITS OVER STOP ++
++ THERE ARE CERTAIN STANDARDS THE FROG PRINCE IS EXPECTED TO MAINTAIN STOP ++
++ TELL ME PLAINLY WHAT YOU ARE ON ABOUT EXPLANATION MARK CHIPPIE ++

Yancie gave the messenger boi three coins and a glass of water. He wrote another telegram.

++ NO COMMA DASH IT ALL CHIPPIE COMMA YOUVE GOT IT ALL WRONG STOP ++
++ I ADMIT I NEARLY KISSED HER BUT I DIDNT STOP ++
++ IT WAS JUST HER ANIME EYES EXPLANATION MARK EXPLANATION MARK ++
++ WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT IS THE C HYPHEN ED C STOP C STOP C STOP C STOP C STOP STOP ++
++ YOUVE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME COMMA PLEASE STOP STOP STOP YANCIE ++

Onecornchippie gave up trying to understand her Waifu's increasingly bizarre messages, and went to consult with Muun.

Muun scanned the series of telegrams quickly.

"Yes, Princess Onecornchippie.

“Although at first sight confusing, this exchange of messages admits of a very simple explanation.

“Mr Yancie is merely trying to inform you, in his somewhat eccentric way, that, having purloined the cursed cow creamer in order to save you from a forced engagement, he hid it in Doctor Mayoy's room, but that when he went to recover it, it was gone."

"What? Why? Where is it now?"

"I retrieved it before Mr Yancie went to the room. I have it safely here."

Muun showed Onecornchippie the box, which the Princess of course recognised.

"What's this about Yancie kissing Mayoy?"

"It is merely a degree of mental confusion resulting from his fall out of the window and subsequent concussion. Nothing untoward occurred. Yancie is completely innocent."

Onecornchippie believed Muun completely.This sort of farcical proceeding was typical of one of Yancie's schemes coming unhinged.

"I see. Well. What should we do?"

"With your permission, Princess, I shall send a telegram to put Mr Yancie's mind at ease. He is clearly highly agitated."

"Yes! Yes! Please do it now, Muun."

Muun sent…

++ ALL COPACETIC STOP MUUN ++

When Yancie received this he was so happy he gave the post office boi five coins, and sat down to play the most cheerful song he could think of.

“If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
“Why don't you go where fashion sits?
“Puttin' on the Ritz.”

“Different types who wear a day coat
“Pants with stripes and cut-a-way coats,
“Perfect fits...
“Puttin' on the Ritz.”

“Strollin' up the avenue so happy
“All dressed up just like an English chappy
“Very snappy.” * 3

“That’s me!” He thought. “Fancy Yancie, an English chappy, very snappy!!!”

He had a bubble bath and went to bed, anticipating cheerful developments in the morning.


TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88
(Inspired by The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse.)

*The Song of Solomon.
*2 Bidin’ My Time by George and Ira Gershwin, 1930
*3 Puttin’ on the Ritz by Irving Berlin, 1927

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.9



Muun was gratified that Mr Yancie seemed to have recovered a degree of cognitive function which for him could be considered normal. She decided to address the next element in the crisis. She requested an interview with Lord Yuzu.

“My Lord, I have received a telegram from Mr Yancie requiring me to inform you that he has at your instructions purloined an objet d’art, namely a silver cow creamer, from your cabinet.”

“Is that so, Muun? My word, what interesting news. I must just check.”

Yuzu opened his cabinet and found an empty space where he had stowed the creamer’s case the day before.

“Hoo hoo! It’s true. What excellent news! Hee hee!”

“I confess I do not understand the reasons behind the undertaking, my Lord. However, Mr Yancie asked me to remind you to send a telegram form which I am given to understand you showed him yesterday.”

“Yes. There will be two telegrams to send, Muun. No, three, actually. Let me write out the other two.”

Yuzu took out some of his Cowley Court headed telegram forms, and began to compose his messages.

“My Lord, I had not realised you would wish to send the telegrams immediately. Please excuse me, I must fetch a salver. I shall attend you again momentarily.”

“Yes, yes, of course.”

Muun went to the butler’s pantry and returned with the silver salver needed to carry his Lordship’s telegrams. Yuzu handed her three completed forms and a blank.

“There you are, Muun, send them off directly, they are very important.”

“Of course, my lord..”

“Another thing, Muun. One of the messages is to accept Lord Kaki’s challenge to play cricket against Brinkley tomorrow.

"They will motor over here pretty early, so you must put in train the preparations. You know the form; welcome drinks, morning interval tea, luncheon, afternoon interval tea, and so on. And send a footman to tell the groundsman to prepare the pitch.”

"Certainly sir. I will issue directions forthwith.”

“Oh Muun, I’ve given you a blank form too. That is in lieu of an honorarium for your services as butler. You can use it to put a bet on Cowley to win tomorrow.”

“How generous, my lord.” Muun did not allow the slightest trace of sarcasm to enter her voice. “I understand that Cowley Cricket Club has had a run of bad luck lasting 30 years.”

“That’s all over now, you can take it from me. We’ll smash Brinkley tomorrow. Put as much as you can on us to win.”

Yuzu was brimming with confidence. His eyes sparkled and he was practically vibrating with nervous excitement.

“Anyway, hurry up and get those telegrams off.”

“Thank you, my lord.”

Muun withdrew and went to her pantry to begin preparations for the match on the morrow. Once the basic instructions were issued, she decide to review Lord Yuzu’s messages, simply to check for spelling mistakes.

TO LORD KAKI, BRINKLEY TOWERS
++ ITS ON COMMA YOU OLD PIRATE EXCLAMATION MARK ++
++ COWLEY EXPECTS BRINKLEY TOMORROW AT 10 SHARP STOP ++
++ BRING YOUR BEST AND DO YOUR WORST COMMA WELL WIN EXCLAMATION MARK ++
++ LORD YUZU ++

TO SAKI-BOT, THE NIZIIRO CASINO
++ 1000 COINS ON COWLEY CRICKET CLUB TO WIN VERSUS BRINKLEY CRICKET CLUB TOMORROW SUNDAY STOP++
++ YUZU ++

TO MISTRESS KOU, THE MOD CHANNEL
++ FOR THE MOD NEWS OF MONDAY INST STOP COPY TO INSERT COLON++
++ LORD YUZU AND LADY SAKURA OF COWLEY COURT ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE ENGAGEMENT OF THEIR NIECE COMMA THE PRINCESS ONECORNCHIPPIE COMMA OF COWLEY COURT COMMA TO HER WAIFU COMMA THE HONORABLE MR YANCIE 0862016 | 8J3U37 OF THE FROG PALACE COMMA PINK HOME STOP ++
++ YUZU COMMA COWLEY COURT STOP ++

“Double-crossed! After all Mr Yancie has done. This does not sit well vis-a-vis my feudal spirit.”

Muun’s fertile mind began to evolve a plan freed from the normal moral constraints. She sent a footman to request the Princess to visit her in her pantry.

Onecornchippie arrived 10 minutes later. Muun had prepared tea, as she expected the Princess to find the ensuing discussion rather trying.

“Hullo Muun. Has something happened?”

“I regret to have to inform you that there has been an unfavourable development in the current case. You may wish to sit and take some tea and a biscuit, while you read this telegram.”

“That doesn’t sound good, Muun. Feed and water me, then.”

As she sat down Muun quietly locked the door, and pocketed the key.

“WHAT!?!? THE CAD! THE BOUNDER! THE CHEATING RATBAG!!!”

Onecornchippie leapt up and rushed to the door, eager to get hold of her uncle and do something, she knew not what but it would be the terror of the world.

But the door was locked.

“Muun! I will not be kept prisoner when there is vengeance to enact!”

“My lady, I acknowledge and indeed share your righteous anger. However, please calm yourself. Is there not a saying that vengeance is a dish best served cold?”

“Yes but so what? I don’t mind getting some hot vengeance in first. I’ll kick Uncle’s arse all around the Court. He won’t be able to sit down for a week. Then I’ll think about some cold vengeance.”

“My Princess, please consider the situation holistically. The telegram has not yet been sent. You and Mr Yancie are not yet actually in the soup. Indeed, you won’t be until the Mod News is published on Monday.

" If in your wrath you should go kicking his lordship’s arse now, he would be liable to develop a suspicion that I have discovered his message’s contents and revealed them to you.”

“Why would I care?”

“Because an arse-kicked Lord Yuzu, once aware of my… the word treachery is inaccurate, since I am not his servant, but… Hmmm...

“Let us simply say that he would still be capable of sending another telegram, which would leave you and Mr Yancie well up the proverbial creek. No, we must keep our cards close to our chests for a while. ”

Onecornchippie had to admit that Muun had a point. She calmed down a bit and crunched a digestive biscuit.

“So. What should we do?”

“I have elaborated a plan which will save you and Mr Yancie and also provide a surfeit of socially acceptable vengeance. Would you like to have another cup of tea, while I explain my concept?”

Onecornchippie found that she would.

Muun explained her design at some length. Onecornchippie thought it a superb plan. She pledged to do her part with diligence and zeal.

The first step was to create a replacement telegram to send to Mistress Kou. This was simple, as they had the first one to copy, and a blank Cowley Court headed form.

TO MISTRESS KOU, THE MOD CHANNEL
++ FOR THE MOD NEWS OF MONDAY INST STOP ++
++ LORD YUZU AND LADY SAKURA OF COWLEY COURT REGRET TO ANNOUNCE THE END OF THE ENGAGEMENT BETWEEN THEIR BELOVED NIECE COMMA THE PRINCESS ONECORNCHIPPIE COMMA OF COWLEY COURT COMMA AND HER WAIFU COMMA THE HONORABLE MR YANCIE 0862016 | 8J3U37 OF THE FROG PALACE COMMA PINK HOME STOP ++
++ YUZU COMMA COWLEY COURT STOP ++

Next, Muun took the cow creamer in its case and put it in Sakiko butler-bot’s office with a note.

“Dear colleague,

“By the time you are fully rehabilitated I shall have had to return to the central channels. There is one small task I would be most grateful if you would perform on my behalf..

“This box contains a valuable piece of silverware, which Mr Yancie brought to me for cleaning. I have thoroughly polished it, but I would esteem it greatly if you would check and double-check my work before you return it to his Lordship’s cabinet, while he is at his cricket match.

“With my very best professional regards,

“Muun.”

Then she went to the telegraph office, despatched Yuzu’s two messages about the cricket match and the bet, and the revised cancellation telegram to Kou.

She sent a short message to Yancie, telling him that she and the Princess would drive back to Pink Home on Sunday afternoon, and he should prepare for a short stay away.

…

Sunday morning brought beautiful autumn weather and eager anticipation for cricket.

Although an American once described the game as “Baseball on Valium”, it has a considerable amount of subtle strategy to be appreciated. Besides, how many other sports are there which have tea and lunch intervals? How many games are there which can last five days and end in a draw?

Brinkley arrived in a charabanc at 9:30, were plied with tea and taken to the pavilion to change. Meanwhile Lord Yuzu gave Cowley a rousing pep talk. He guaranteed them the curse was lifted, promising victory and a wonderful tour at his own expense.

Yuzu so clearly believed in his ascendant star that his energy infected the whole team. By the time the umpires and captains went out to toss the coin, it was hard to restrain Cowley’s men.

Cowley won the toss, the first evidence of their renewed luck, and chose to field. They started their attack with their best pace bowler, a rangy farmer capable of sending the ball down the pitch at nearly 90 miles an hour, with loud grunts.

Brinkley’s number one and two men defended valiantly. They actually got some good hits in, scoring two fours and a six, which were politely applauded by the spectators.

However to some degree this was counter-productive. The ball got softened by these mighty blows and began to swing.

Yuzu, a master strategist, rested his pace attack and brought on his spinners. The ball swung hugely as the air heated up, confusing the Brinkley batsmen.

By mid-morning tea, Brinkley had scored 57 all out in their first innings, and it was clear that Cowley had the upper hand as far as fielding was concerned. After refreshments, Cowley went in to bat..

Cowley’s batting order seemed rather weak, though, Their first two men were got out cheaply, Yuzu himself going for a duck, to his great chagrin. But numbers three and four fought back. Once they got their eye in, they began to pick off the weaker shots of Brinkley’s bowlers for good boundaries. The score mounted. Cowley’s wickets fell, and by lunch they were all out for 72.

Muun butled for lunch, which was served al fresco in front of the pavilion. Although Sakiko was fully updated, she wanted to check all around the Court before coming to watch the cricket.

In honour of the occasion Yuzu had relaxed his teetotalitarianism. Each cricketer was served a bottle of beer. This led to some sloppy play in the early afternoon session.

Brinkley dug in and began to increase their score steadily. Even when Cowley called for the new ball it made little difference. They got to 157 by tea, and felt pretty confident of winning even as their last wicket fell.

When play resumed, Cowley knew they were up against it. It wasn’t enough to just grind it out. They needed to score well.

Yuzu used a cunning ploy. Having been struck on the thigh he claimed lameness and asked for a runner. Naturally this had to be the lightest, fastest sprinter on the Cowley team.

Their score got to 110, then 120, then 130. By the time Yuzu was caught out, Cowley had three batsmen still to come, and plenty of light.

Muun was standing with Onecornhippie, waiting confidently for the curse to strike. She saw a huge bird flapping slowly across the boating lake.

Cowley’s no.8 strode out. He took his line, middle and off, from the umpire, and tapped his bat in rhythm. Down came the fast ball… it was edged away high to the silly mid on fielder, who missed it, and it rolled to the boundary for a four. 23 runs to go.

Cowley notched up runs in singles and doubles. They lost another man, and another. It was a last man stand as they closed in on the target. 12 runs to go, then 10, 9, 7, 6.

The spectators were gripped by the drama. The whole match could go one way or the other depending on a single ball!


TO BE CONTINUED…

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.10


The climax of the match.

Cowley needed six runs and had one wicket in hand. Play up! Play up! And play the game!

Brinkley’s best spinner polished the ball on his trousers, adjusted his grip carefully for maximum spin effect, and made his run up. He bowled, the ball swung in the air, going wide! Cowley’s no.9 addressed it confidently.

He was in bullet time. He stepped forward cooly and gave a terrific reverse sweep, which accelerated the ball’s own momentum. It sprang from his bat as if it was set on course for the heart of the sun… It looked a certain six, which would bring the run score to a draw. Cowley would win on wickets.

A shadow over the pitch. The wide wings of a huge bird, an Andean Condor, strangely far outside its natural range.

It swooped. It stooped upon the ball. It snapped and grabbed it. The lump was easily seen in the vast predator’s throat as it swallowed the tasty morsel.

The spectators gasped. The players were struck dumb and the umpires were dumb-founded.

The vast, vulture-like Condor soared high on thermals, headed west, and began to circle over the boating lake again, flapping its wings slowly, and seeking what else it might devour.

Only Lord Yuzu kept his head.

“Lost ball!” He called.

The umpires conferred, and could not decide what the Laws of Cricket laid down for such a circumstance.

The argument ranged back and forth. The ball was not lost. Everyone knew exactly where it was, inside the vast avian circling over the lake.

On the other hand it had cleared the boundary airborne so Cowley argued it counted as a six.

Brinkley protested this was use of artificial aids.

Yuzu called for a new ball to play on with. This was denied as Cowley had already had a new ball during the match.

Eventually the umpires ruled that the match was to finish now as a draw.

Yuzu fainted on the spot! His team mates cleared a trestle table for a stretcher and carried him to the Court, where Doctor Mayoy attended him.

Muun and Onecornchippie decided it was time to make themselves scarce. They forewent their proper farewells, feeling that discretion was the better part of valour. They strolled nonchalantly to Yancie’s two seater. Muun had already loaded it with their essential baggage.

The Princess got behind the wheel and Muun cranked the engine into life. Chippie's cool vengeance elated her and gave her an edge. She put the pedal to the metal. Gravel sprayed behind them, as they howled down the long drive and swung on to the road back to the central Server.

Chippie tested the little sportscar’s limits, racking up and down the gears, taking the racing line through bends. Muun was delighted to see another girl in control of the machine and using it well. The tyres and brakes got a lot of wear, but Yancie could afford it.

Chippie hooted with glee, and Muun indulged herself in a broad smile. They sped east towards their appointment with Yancie.

…

Yancie got up late, feeling marvellously refreshed. He had slept like a log, his mind free from care now that Muun was in full charge of the case.

Now a new difficulty presented itself. How to get some breakfast?

Yancie had only the vaguest theoretical concept of cooking. He hadn’t actually made a meal for himself since… did toast actually count as a meal?

Anyway that was at school, before he became a prefect and got a younger boi * to do it for him. You needed a coal fire and a long fork. For the toast. Yes, sometimes it was necessary for the boi...

There wasn’t a fireplace in the Palace, it was too modern. It had underfloor heating.

“Maybe I could summon a messenger boi and get him to make me toast. Or he could bring some toast from somewhere else.”

No, the idea was absurd. Imagine a service whereby you summon meals by telegram and they are delivered from a restaurant to your home.

"Utterly ridiculous! I do have some silly ideas. Everyone cooks for themselves perfectly well. Even I can do it, if I put my mind to it."

Yancie went into the kitchen and looked at the various appliances, wondering what they were and how they worked. He understood the freezer. It was where you got ice and gin.

“Bit early for that, though. What about tea? That can’t be too hard. You boil water somehow, and there’s tea leaves and it gets mixed up in the teapot. I think.

"Yes! I’ll make tea. There must be some biscuits lying around. They don’t need cooking. It will be easy. What could go wrong?"

He began to fiddle with the gas range.

10 minutes later the first fire engine arrived.

Yancie had been compelled to retreat to the doors of the balcony. The automatic sprinklers were working, but he couldn’t make it through the smoke to the front door. He was trapped between the fumes and the void.

“It’s Scylla and Charybdis all over again. What irony to die now, practically in the hour of triumph! At least it will save me from the wrath of the Princess. She won’t like the mess I’ve made, not at all.”

Just then a voice called from behind him: “Hey you, I’ve come to save you!”

Surprised, he turned round. It was a firefighter, in full protective gear, climbing from a high-reach ladder onto the balcony.

“Oh, I say, have you come to put out the fire? That's terribly kind!”

“No, I’m going to take you down the ladder.”

It was an oddly high voice… Yancie realised that the firefighter was a tall, athletic girl!

“No no, you can’t!”

“Course I can, I’m a professional.”

“You don’t understand, I’ve got an irrational fear of heights.”

“Well you’re coming anyway.”

The powerful girl simply grabbed Yancie and hoisted him onto her shoulders in a firefighter’s carry. She climbed back onto the tall ladder and started down.

Yancie’s head spun as he gazed at the gulf. Hanging nearly upside down didn’t help. However, it was strangely relaxing to be overpowered and carried helplessly. He closed his eyes and abandoned himself to fate and the arms of this masterful girl.

They reached street level soon enough, and the firegirl put Yancie back on his feet. He brightened up considerably, feeling pretty confident that he wouldn’t fall off the ground.

“There you go, Mr…”

“Yancie.”

“Mr Yancie. That wasn't so bad, was it?”

The firegirl took off her helmet, and the net which secured her hair inside it. She shook out a glossy mane of glorious red, like a river of fire. It glowed in the sun.

"I saaayyy!!!

“Er, that is, I mean, um, thanks awfully for saving me, Ms…"

“Blaise.”

"What a splendid name!"

"Thank you. Now, Mr Yancie, I’ve got to get some information from you about how the fire started.”

"Fire away, Ms Blaise. I shall answer to the best of my ability.”


“Okay, where did the fire break out?”

“It was in the kitchen. I was making tea. Well, I was trying to make tea. I’m not frightfully good at catering and that sort of thing, actually.”

“I see. How did it spread?”

“Well, I tried to put it out with a tea towel, and that caught fire too, and things just, sort of, progressed, if that’s the 'mot juste'.”

Blaise got a message on her radio.

“The fire’s out now, Mr Yancie, but we advise you not to go back to your apartment until the fumes have cleared. We recommend at least 12 hours wait.”

“Righty-ho. I shall stay with a friend or something."

“Good. Well, I’m sorry your flat caught fire, but no-one’s been hurt, and that’s the main thing.

“Yes. Thank you again for carrying me down. I would have stayed there until I died, or else I might have got dizzy and fallen off.”

Yancie held out his hand. Blaise shook it. She smiled and went back to her fire engine. The tall ladder had been recovered, and the vehicle drove off to its next mission. Yancie waved goodbye. Blaise waved back at him.

“What a jolly girl! How can I manage to meet her again? Without starting any more fires, hopefully. Anyway, I know her name and where she works. That’s a good start.”

Yancie’s mind now turned to his sartorial circumstances. Normally the epitome of elegance, his suit was rumpled, torn, singed, wet, and smelled of smoke. He checked his tie, and straightened it.

“Perhaps a buttonhole would help?”

Yancie loved flowers and usually wore a boutonnière if he went out in the morning.

“No, it would just look silly, taking everything as a whole. How can I get some new clothes?”

His tailor was closed on Sundays, and anyway, a new suit would take a couple of days to make even as a rush job.

Accommodation was another problem. Yancie's two best friends in The Server were the Princess, whose flat he had just burnt down, and Muun, who only had a 1LDK and anyway, she was out at Cowley still, resolving the crisis.

Yancie walked damply round to his Waifu Nymphi’s 1LDK. But Nymphi was out.

In the end Yancie couldn’t think of anything to do except to go to The Deep, back to his Kuudere Detective Agency office. He knew there were some spare clothes there.


TO BE CONTINUED…

*This is English public school slang for younger boys who act as servants for the older ones, but the swear filter blocks the word.

© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88
(Inspired by The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse.)

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency: The Case of the Cow Creamer Crisis, Pt.11


Onecornchippie had to slow down as she approached Pink Home. The central channels of The Server were not suitable for sporty driving. Too many trolleybusses and crowds of jay-walking members.

The apartment building containing her Palace came into view. There was an ominous haze hanging around the balcony of her flat on the 5th floor.

“What’s happened, Muun?”

“I hesitate to surmise, my Lady.”

Muun had her suspicions, though. Yancie had a surprising capacity for causing chaos through the most innocent and well-intentioned actions.

They parked in front and went in to see the concierge. He apprised them of the day’s dramatic events. It was worse than Muun had expected. Yancie had set himself on fire before, but never a whole apartment.

Chippie didn’t even know what to start to think.

“My Lady, we should at least make a quick assessment of the damage.”

They went up with the concierge.

The 4LDK was wet from the fire extinguisher sprays. Smoke damage was evident, especially in the area of the kitchen. Fortunately, Chippie’s precious collections of physical media and games consoles seemed undamaged. They were stored in sealed plastic boxes, and the fire had not reached them.

“Things aren’t so bad,” she thought. “We’re insured. My precious stuff is safe. I’ll go away and let the building management deal with the clean-up.”

Muun was anxious to get in touch with Yancie. He had been rescued from the fire, it was true, but since then he would have been wandering around by himself. What else might he be capable of doing?

“There is a special Providence which protects drunkards, fools, and the United States of America.” she thought. Yancie surely qualified on one and a half points, depending what he had been drinking. Providence can get fed up, though.

…

Yancie arrived at the door of his detective agency. It was half and half Moon Potato’s too, in fact.

That was the deal he had made with Moon all those months ago. Equal partners, and first billing on the door for her. The best deal Yancy had ever made.

Moon had been crucial in many of their cases. Without her, he would have been dead or disgraced a dozen times. A hard-boiled gumshoe needs a partner to watch their back. Moon was the best partner anyone ever had.

The door looked pretty ordinary, a wooden office door with a frosted glass panel, and a name on it, but the gold lettering shone especially bright in Yancie’s eyes:

The MPY Kuudere Detective Agency

He let himself in and took the telephones off their hooks, to not be disturbed. He looked for a change of clothes. It was there, of course. The agency office was equipped for pulling all-nighters. It had a camp bed, a sink, and so on.

Unfortunately the Yancy Kuudere Detective aspect was taller and bulkier than Yancie, the man about town disguise aspect. After changing, Yancie looked like a teenage boi wearing his father’s hand-me-downs.

It conflicted with Yancie’s sense of style. It conflicted with Yancy the detective’s practicality.

“I’ll have to change aspect.”

This wasn’t hard. Yancy was well practised at changing aspects. His detective work had provided many opportunities for it. Plus, he had an ulterior motive.

Yancy/ie thought he was going to be severely blamed for burning down Onecornchippy/ie’s flat. And to be fair, he deserved it.

However good your intentions, to set light to a luxury 4LDK while making tea was testing the farthest edges of the envelope of Husbando/Waifu association.

Yancie knew full well that any of his British based aspects would crumble sadly under the righteous wrath of the enraged Frog Princess. There is nothing the British dislike more than a fuss.

So, the solution. Become the hard-boiled American detective once again. His casual machismo and hetero-male sense of entitlement would deflect Onecornchippy’s anger like emotional armour.

Yancie opened his desk drawer. The shoulder holster and the Colt M1911A1 pistol lay there. It was a powerful totem. Yancy had been afraid of its power, but now Yancie yearned for it. The change would be quick and easy, and carrying the gun would enhance his machismo.

He took out the pistol and a cleaning kit. He began to change.

Before Muun and Onecornchippy reached The Deep, Yancie was gone, a memory, and Yancy the hard-boiled gumshoe was in full effect. He felt desperately hungry. The big detective needed refuelling. He went to the 24 hour diner on the corner to get himself fed.

…

Muun and Onecornchippy tried to think where Yancie might have gone. A hotel? A friend’s place? They checked his Waifu Nymphi’s flat, and there was no-one there.

“My lady, I believe Mr Yancie will have gone to our detective office in The Deep. There are some spare clothes there.”


“Wouldn’t he just go to a department store and buy something?”

“It would never occur to Mr Yancie to wear pret a porter fashions.”

They got on a trolleybus and went down to The Deep, taking their overnight cases with them.

They found Yancy sitting at the window counter of the corner diner. He was feeding his face. His fork shuttled methodically between the plate and his mouth, except when he stopped to suck on a big mug of coffee. He looked pretty happy, his snap-brim hat tipped back on his head.

Muun rapped on the window. Yancy looked up, then several emotions quickly crossed his face; surprise, delight, guilt, worry, finally settling on a cool machismo. But that was only a front.

He waved at them and made a play of ignoring them to carry with his meal. They went inside to brace him.

“Yancy!”

“Hi Muun. Hi Princess. Had a good drive?”

Muun and Yancy shook hands. The Princess tapped her foot.

“Hey, Dollface, I guess you’re plenty mad about what I did to the Palace.”

“Nope! New palace!” She smiled broadly.

Yancy’s cool front broke immediately. “Wow! That’s such a relief. You’re the best Husbando! I thought I was gonna get skinned.”

He gathered Onecornchippie in his arms and gave her a powerful Platonic hug. Chippy hugged him back.

“You’re a loyal Waifu, Yancy, and your heart’s in the right place. Besides, you put yourself on the line to save me from getting engaged.”

“Aw!” He blushed. “Hey, you guys want some food? They do a great all-day breakfast here. Unlimited free coffee.”

“Yancy, I would suggest taking some food to the agency office. The case has some loose ends to tie up. We need to inform you of the events you missed. It would best be done in private.”

“Okay Muun. You’re in charge.”

They took a brown paper bag of lox and cream cheese bagels, and a big can of coffee.

Back in the office, Muun began to revert to her Kuudere Detective aspect. This was convenient, as Muun’s prolix delivery, cut together with Yancy’s curt American slang, would have complicated the discussions.

Moon and Chippy first told Yancy about the double-cross by Yuzu, and how they thwarted it.

“Great work, girls! But I dunno how giving the creamer back got the curse off of me. I still stole it, didn’t I?”

“Under English law, a theft of portable property does not become actionable in law for seven days.”

“You mean, because you gave the thing back on my behalf before seven days were up, it doesn’t count as I ever stole it?

“Yep. Got it in one.”

“Awesome. So Yuzu tried to stiff us and we’ve stiffed him instead.”

“Well, we’re pretty sure. It’s not clinched until the Mod News comes out with the announcement in it.”

“That’s not until the morning.”

“They may do a special edition cause of the fire. Let’s go out later and see.”

“Okay. What next, Moon? I guess I’ve got to help find Chippy somewhere to stay for a bit.”

“Don’t worry about that, Yancy. We’ll go to a hotel. Separate rooms of course. Do you want to come with, Moon? My treat.”

“You’re sure? That would be great!” Moon enjoyed her girl talk sessions with the Princess.

…

Up in the Mod Channel, Mistress Kou had decided to put out a special edition of The Server’s main newspaper. The fire at the Frog Palace certainly merited it. There were some dramatic pictures.

In other news, the bizarre result of the Brinkley versus Cowley match would be of great interest to cricket fans.

Kou then turned her attention to the social column. There were two items, both concerning the Princess Oncecornchippy and her Frog Prince Yancy.

“How odd! These telegrams contradict each other. I wonder which one I should run.”

Kou decided to run them both. Double the advertising revenue.

With the paper put to bed, Kou ordered printing to begin and went for a well deserved cup of green tea.

…

Moon, Chippy and Yancy were about to go out and look for a hotel when Moon’s telephone rang.

“That can’t happen! You can’t get a call when the receiver’s off the hook.”

There was a faint voice on the line, though. Moon picked up the handset and listened.

“I can’t tell what they are saying. Tass Oo Kitty. Tass Oo Kitty. It’s just nonsense.”

She passed the instrument to Yancy. He took it with a worried look and listened for a few seconds. Then he spoke in a foreign language. Chippy recognised it as Japanese, but not very fluent. There didn’t seem to be any reply.

Yancy passed the handset to Chippy. She listened, rapped out some fierce sounding Japanese, then slapped the phone down on its cradle, cutting the connection.

It began to ring immediately. She grabbed up the receiver, listened, then slapped it down again. It rang again.

Yancy strode to where the line connected into the wall and ripped it out. The phone continued to ring.

“Yancy, I’m scared.”

"Me too, Princess. Let’s get out of here and find a hotel."

They muffled the ringing phone with the ruined suit Yancie had been wearing, and shoved it in the bottom of the filing cabinet.

It was evening. The channels were thronged with members out for some fun.

Onecornchippy led them towards the NSFW channel, which had a couple of good hotels, plus a number of good hotels for couples. The kind of place you can get a room for only two hours.

"Hey, Chippy, I don't wanna go in NSFW.”

“Why not, Yancy? Everyone knows you aren’t a monk.”

“Yeah, but I might run into a Catgirl. So I never go there no more, unless it’s for a case.”

“Oh yes, the Holo connection. Sorry, I forgot.”

Holo the Wise-wolf had a hold on Yancy. He bore her mark. She and Catgirls didn’t get on.

Instead they swung over to the Dream Disco channel. It could be lively but the hotels there had good sound proofing.They got three rooms, then went to the bar. Moon and Yancy drank rye whiskey with soda water. It fitted their detective aspects. Chippy had a Martini.

“Okay spill it, you guys. You both spoke Japanese to the phone. You knew what the voice was saying.”

Moon didn’t know Japanese but she knew what Japanese sounded like because, like nearly every member in The Server, she watched Japanese anime and stuff.

Yancy mansplained.

“The voice was speaking Japanese. It was saying one word over and over: ‘Tasukete… Tasukete… Tasukete....’

“What’s that mean?”

“Help me.”

“Goddess, that’s creepy!”

“Yep. Whoever it was didn’t listen or answer when I talked Japanese back. I’m not fluent but I can get basic stuff over. So… What did you think, Chippy?”

“I thought it was some creep stalker or something, so I shouted the gak at them. ”

“Hah! Even I knew that!” Moon took a sip of rye.

“Yeah. Well, they didn’t take any notice. Like they weren’t listening. Like I wasn’t even there.”

Yancy fiddled with his glass and looked at Chippy. “I couldn’t say if it was a boi or a girl.”

“Me neither. I couldn’t tell if they were even human.”

“What’s that mean, Chippy? You’re scaring me worse!”

“I don’t know what it means.”

“Okay ladies. Let’s take a breath. We probably just had a collective hallucination or something. We’ve been through a lot in the past few days. Anyway, we’re in a fancy hotel in the middle of The Server. Nothing’s going to happen.”

“Yeah, you’re right, Yancy. Hey, let’s get some snacks to go with these drinks. I want to drink more but I don’t want to get too drunk.”

They ordered some light snacks and another round of drinks.

The special edition of Mod News came out and the hotel had some delivered. Yancy got a copy.

The front page had a splash report on the fire at the Frog Palace, which was the official name for Onecornchippy’s flat. There were two pics.

The first was taken from the bottom of the rescue ladder. It showed smoke billowing from the 5th floor balcony, and Blaise the firegirl climbing down with Yancie on her shoulders. His eyes were closed.

The second one showed Yancie and Blaise shaking hands. Yancie looked completely sappy.

Moon grabbed on it. “Oh, Yancy, look at your face. You’re smitten with her!”

Chippy joined in, “Are you carrying a flame for her? Yes, you are…!”

Yancy hoped the dim lighting in the bar would hide his blushes. The pics had reawoken feelings in him about Ms Blaise.

“Ms Blaise is a fine firegirl and I owe her my life. What’s wrong with admiring her? It’s respect from one professional to another.”

They skipped the sports report. Chippy and Moon had watched the match. Yancy knew the result from them. He didn’t care about cricket or condors. He was just happy that the cow creamer curse had been lifted from his shoulders.

They came to the social news. There were two items. The first one read:

Lord Yuzu and Lady Sakura, of Cowley Court, are pleased to announce the engagement of their niece, the Princess Onecornchippie, of Cowley Court, to her Waifu, the Honorable Mr Yancie 0862016 | 8J3U37 of The Frog Palace, Pink Home.

The second read:

Lord Yuzu and Lady Sakura, of Cowley Court, regret to announce the end of the engagement between their beloved niece, the Princess Onecornchippie, of Cowley Court, and her Waifu, the Honorable Mr Yancie 0862016 | 8J3U37 of The Frog Palace, Pink Home.

Moon raised her glass.

“Congratulations on your engagement. I’m the first to toast the happy couple.”

She took a drink, and raised her glass again.

“Commiserations on your breakup. I’m the first to console you in your sadness!”

Moon burst out laughing.

Chippy and Yancy looked at each other. Yancy raised his glass and toasted her. He started laughing, and so did Chippy.

Yancy called for another round. They toasted each other, they toasted the Princess’s new palace, whatever it would turn out to be. Something good, anyway!

Finally, they toasted the MPY Kuudere Detective Agency.


THE END

Coming soon… The Case of the Halloween Hauntings.


© 2019 Yancy08620163 | 8J3U37
aka Starship Captain 88