<![CDATA[Latest posts for the thread "The Rise of Jarkhyr"]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/31.page JForum - http://www.jforum.net The Rise of Jarkhyr
Jarkhyr was, at one point, a lowly criminal, who spent a long time running from the C’tan. The C’tan, of course, found him and he was brought to the bio-furncaces, where they prepared to make him warrior. Little know to the other C’tan, the Deciever had made a pact with him to make sure he held his power over the world, and it would give Jarkhyr the power he so craved. So, when he came out the other side, he was a mighty overlord. By the time the war in Heaven began, Jarkhyr was fighting fiercer than anyone else, along with his elite squad of lychguard whom he called ‘the angels of steel’. But, during the war, Jarkhyr saw how the Deciever was using him as a pawn, but remained by his master’s side, plotting, waiting.

When the Silent King called for the counter-attack, the Deciever called upon Jarkhyr for aid, and Jarkhyr came to his side. The Deciever nearly had him fooled into helping him, but Jarkhyr knew differanly. He killed the cryptek with the weapon designed to kill him, and picked it up. The Deciever asked for it and Jarkhyr turned... and unleashed it upon the C’tan. Surprised, the C’tan didn’t stand a chance. He was obliterated, thrown across time and space and the force was such that the staff snapped in two. Jarkhyr kept one end of it, but the other was hurled across reality... and inot the hands of the collector known as Trazyn the Infinite. Jarkhyr was dishonoured for killing the cryptek, and was cast out into the void on a slow moving ship. Jarkhyr knew all was not lost for his own Cryptek, gifted to him by the Deciever, returning him to his home planet, where he found it in stasis. He had been lost in the void for millions of years and a new, abundant life force lived on it- humanity, and even more importantly, the Fire Dragons space marines. Jarkhyr teleported down to find his home was in ruins, filled in by this primitive species. Jarkhyr found his way into the tomb through an entrance in the icy north of the planet known as Karis, and found the designated Overlord. His cryptek re-wired it so jarkhyr was in charge, and Jarkhyr put his plan into action. First, his elites woke, his 20 strong Lychguard now known as the Angels of Death , and Jarkhyr awoke his Deathmarks, tasking them with killing the Chapter Master of the Fire Dragons.
Little did he know the planet had been part of the Sautekh dynasty and it wasn’t long before Imotekh learnt of Jarkhyr’s little invasion, and soon the Stormlord launched his attack as Jarkhyr launched his. The Fire Dragons fought hard, but had to make a retreat after the Fight of The Endless Plains, in which Jarkhyr attacked them and then Imotekh sent in his flayed ones to mop up, before landing. The pair met shortly after.
Imotekh was unwilling to negotiate. He wanted full power, but would make Jarkhyr in charge of the planet, just he had to do whatever Imotekh said. But Trazyn, learning about Jarkhyr’s half of the weapon, dropped in at the last second, his coven of crypteks coming with him, and they blew apart Imotekh’s retinue, leaving Imotekh alive but damaged. As Imotekh’s body fixed itself the ground shook and out rise one of the necron’s most feared weapons adaptment- the Ultralith. A giant pyramid of solid black, armed with arrays of gauss cannons, assault gauss cannons, and particle whips, with Jarkhyr’s army inside. Trazyn asked for the other half of the weapon but Jarkhyr’s cryptek teleported them away into the megalith, and the army escaped the planet, leaving orbit, and head off.

Imotekh and Trazyn both swore revenge, but Trazyn needed the staff intact, and thus didn’t join Imotekh in the attack on the ultralith. But then he arrived the ultralith was in pieces. Presuming Jarkhyr dead, he retreated to the tomb world and set it up as a fortress.

Jarkhyr’s fleet had narrowly escaped Imotekh’s wrath and they looked for a place to go. They set their eyes on a lush green planet known as Fengrat Prime, and as the ships descended the human colonists that had recently arrived were in disarray and were quickly rounded up, before being killed. Jarkhyr set up his base, and soon the necrons slumbering on the planet awoke, but Jarkhyr set them as the guard, taking little from the planet’s forces.
At this time, Imotekh was about to receive news of Jarkhyr’s survival. Imotekh set out a great distance to the planet, and when he arrived his troops landed in the jungles. After a failed attempt to assassinate Jarkhyr, Imotekh decided his revenge must be made an example, and his cryptek teleported him right in front of Jarkhyr’s forces. It was at this moment then Jarkhyr was the one to call a challenge of single combat- one that Imotekh would not win. But Jarkhyr showed mercy to the necron, who simply left, all ideas of revenge left from his mind in respect for the greatest fighter he had ever seen.

Jarkhyr, with this new planet under his will, gave the Sautekh dynasty’s warriors gold shoulder plates, to put them apart from Imotekh’s forces. Jarkhyr now set his eyes on the rest of the system, populating it and then setting up a coven of crypteks to design a new weapon for him- another ultralith, after the cryptek who originally designed it was killed in the explosion as he personally detonated the ultralith. He eventually reclaimed the system, restoring a dock full of a whole fleet ready to set off. Jarkhyr, from here on, began to form his dynasty, whom he labelled the Jarkhyrakt, after himself.

It wasn’t long before the Fire Dragons found their prey, and they descended on Jarkhyr’s crown world with fury, drop pods dropping down alone the crest of the mountains, space marine squads coming out and making a small fortress. Jarkhyr launched an assault but the combination of a highly defensible position and the steep mountain meant he could not advance. Soon thunderhawks swooped down and deployed dreadnoughts, and then a large ship descended. Jarkhyr sent Doom Scythes after it but after a fight with the Thunderhawks and Aerial defences jarkhyr had to pull out his Doom Scythes, leaving the heavily vehicles to be deployed.

Jarkhyr had set up his army at the bottom of the mountain, just behind the forests, with high walls and a solid pair of gates. Finally, Jarkhyr’s fleet arrived, just in time, before the Fire Dragons could call in orbital bombardment. Jarkhyr was pleased with this but it wasn’t long before squads of bikers and a formation of Predators made their way towards the gates. No sooner did Deathmarks emerge from the forest, ready the snipe the bikers. But several squads of scouts had infiltrated the forest, and fired at the Deathmarks. Soon they were locked in a sniper duel, but Jarkhyr had thought of this, and at that moment tomb blades swept in, gunning down one of the biker squads. But the returning fire wiped out the tomb blades. Jarkhyr then sent in his shock troops- 20 destroyers lead by a destroyer lord, into the bikers. The first salvo wiped them out but it was Predator’s turn to fire. It hit home, leaving the destroyers scattered. They had been obliterated, leaving no way to rebuild themselves, and then Jarkhyr unleashed his final stage of his counter- three Doomsday Arks. They fired their Doomsday cannons, taking out the three Predators with ease, but then Jarkhyr saw something. A thunderhawk swept down, and the Doomsday Arks were on cooldown. A doom scythe swept in, opening fire, but the thunderhawk spun, looping up, round and opening fire. The thunderhawk flew through the smoke of the Doom Scythe and then it opened fire on the gates, blowing them open. Jarkhyr’s main army was behind it, and an Annihilation barge opened fire, destroying the thunderhawk.

Then the Fire Dragons descended. Jarkhyr loaded up his tachyon arrow and his Cryptek teleported them up behind the main Space Marine army, and fired an arrow straight though their ranks... and straight towards the Chapter master. One of his terminators threw himself in the way and the arrow went straight through him, killing the terminator in one shot. The Chapter Master turned and charged through the forest, his Terminators fighting with the Lychguard in close combat.

Jarkhyr ran straight into the Chapter master and they duelled, and were equally matched. But Jarkhyr made a mistake, and he felt a sword slide through his chest. Jarkhyr fell to the ground, on one knee, and then to the ground. The Chapter Master roared a victory call but then Jarkhyr re-animated, standing up as nano-scarabs re-knitted his body, and then Jarkhyr’s warscythe sliced through the space marine’s neck, decapitating him in one blow. The terminators were finished off by the Lychguard, and then Jarkhyr looked over the battlefield. The Fire Dragons were in full retreat, but Jarkhyr wasn’t going to let them escape. Thus, an array of Monoliths teleported in and immortals stepped out, opening fire on the fleeing space marines. Jarkhyr looked at his army. He had taken heavy losses, but he was alive. And soon he would be lord of this galaxy, and the Ultralith neared completion...

Thanks you for reading. Please give me feedback.

EDIT: Now have spaced out the text]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5904462.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5904462.page GMT The Rise of Jarkhyr http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5904516.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5904516.page GMT The Rise of Jarkhyr
Once its spaced a bit better I will give it a read!]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5904533.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5904533.page GMT Re:The Rise of Jarkhyr ]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5904579.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5904579.page GMT The Rise of Jarkhyr
It's... also making use of some stuff that doesn't mesh with Necrons. "Angels of Death"? That's an in-universe term for Space Marines. As far as we can tell, the Necrons don't have a religious concept of "angels". They worshiped the C'Tan as gods, though the Silent King remarks that they were wrong to do so. I suppose it's a decent-enough fluff-name, but is not particularly Necron-y... made moreso by the fact that this is a Space Marine reference already.

Also, the C'Tan were sharded at the costs of millions upon millions of Necrons, not simply blasted like Greedo at Mos Eisley. Might want to change that scenario to not sound so... Marty Stue.

Also, Imotekh the Stormlord is the greatest general the Sautekh ever fielded, pre or post-biotransference. Given the background story of this IC, there is no defeating him... your guy here would be plagued with Bloodscarabs and have Flayed Ones popping out of the woodwork every couple days, which can (and do) infect other Necrons with their madness. His tactical brilliance is second to none, except maybe Urskar Creed. Maybe change all of this to a self-created Necron rival, rather than trying to rewrite the background of Codex: Necron?

Lastly, Trazyn has the Empathic Obliterator. Ever wanted to wipe out an entire squad in a single swing in CC? This is the weapon that makes that possible. This guy is a beat-stick.

Also, if this jungle-world he arrived on was not one of his own Dynasty's Tomb Worlds, then he'd now be involved in another war with yet another Dynasty, while Imotekh was arranging to have a massive, flaming, lightning-meteor tactically arrive to tactically wipe out your Tomb and tactically remove your ability to repair the guys who fail their RP checks, before tactically flooding you with Destroyers and Lychguard and Tomb Scarabs and Wraiths and Triarchs and Doomscythes and whatever else he has on hand to display his staggering military power. The Stormlord is a tactical genius like that. Seriously.

Overall, it's just... very Wardian. I suppose that's in keeping with the Codex, since that, too, is a Ward project but... it just doesn't jive with what we know about the Necrons. Tombs don't wake up that fast, for one. For another, lowly criminals are not made Overlords (they got turned into Warriors, which are mindless)... regardless of what the C'Tan thought. They did not care about the Necrons, and didn't really understand (didn't care to) their various social structures and systems. These social constructions were utterly alien to the star-eaters.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5905226.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5905226.page GMT Re:The Rise of Jarkhyr ]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5918114.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5918114.page GMT The Rise of Jarkhyr Anyways, good luck.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5918117.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5918117.page GMT Re:The Rise of Jarkhyr
 Sautekh_The_Silent_King wrote:
The Pirate King did it, much like Jarkhyr


Thaszar hacked the Tomb World's systems that force its inhabitants to recognize him as their Phaeron, and he had been a Necrontyr Noble before being outcast while still a mortal. So, basically, what Thaszar did was "reset" his arrest record on the computer, he still had the social status and caste-rank to permit him to take the role of Phaeron... and basically re-wrote the Tomb's command protocols to make that happen.

This is not particularly uncommon, as C:N tells us that, in the event that one Dynasty is defeated by another, the victorious Dynasty has the non-noble Necrons of the loser reprogrammed for assimilation. I imagine they "cold box" the intelligent Necrons of the defeated.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5919673.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5919673.page GMT Re:The Rise of Jarkhyr http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5919746.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5919746.page GMT The Rise of Jarkhyr
I mean, it's your fiction, write whatever you want, but you asked for feedback, and I'm giving you feedback. The character reads like a Marty Stue, its background flies in the face of previously-established fluff regarding the Necrons, it namedrops Codex characters and then one-ups them, and seems like the main story is basically re-telling the story of a studio character.

I would back off mentioning the Storm-Lord and other named Codex Necron characters. Build a better rivalry between your main guy and another Necron Lord ('cause one thing Necrons never do is give up... what do they have to fear? Death? The concept is foreign to them.). Also, you should take into account the total assets deployed by both sides... if your guy's fleet "narrowly escapes" Imotekh at one point, where does this fleet go once they arrive at the Jungle Planet? If it's still drifting around when Imotekh shows up with his fleet, it's going to get wiped out, as you've already established that Imotekh is bringing more guns to that fight. Why would the Storm-Lord hang back, when he has overwhelming firepower? Doesn't make tactical sense for a guy described as being the most tactically-brilliant of all Necrons.

.... also Imotekh is one of the greatest duellists the Necrons field. Dude has manhandled Space Marine Chapter Masters. Him facing this low-class upstart is not going to cause him to break a sweat.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5919883.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5919883.page GMT The Rise of Jarkhyr
 Psienesis wrote:
Depending on which edition of the Codex you want to go with, the C'Tan either had no hand in creating the sciences behind bio-transference, or very little. In the end, it was the Necrontyr who decided who got what bodies. All of their philosophers, mercantile class and laborers became Warriors. Only the various castes of the noble classes maintained something close to sentience.

I mean, it's your fiction, write whatever you want, but you asked for feedback, and I'm giving you feedback. The character reads like a Marty Stue, its background flies in the face of previously-established fluff regarding the Necrons, it namedrops Codex characters and then one-ups them, and seems like the main story is basically re-telling the story of a studio character.

I would back off mentioning the Storm-Lord and other named Codex Necron characters. Build a better rivalry between your main guy and another Necron Lord ('cause one thing Necrons never do is give up... what do they have to fear? Death? The concept is foreign to them.). Also, you should take into account the total assets deployed by both sides... if your guy's fleet "narrowly escapes" Imotekh at one point, where does this fleet go once they arrive at the Jungle Planet? If it's still drifting around when Imotekh shows up with his fleet, it's going to get wiped out, as you've already established that Imotekh is bringing more guns to that fight. Why would the Storm-Lord hang back, when he has overwhelming firepower? Doesn't make tactical sense for a guy described as being the most tactically-brilliant of all Necrons.

.... also Imotekh is one of the greatest duellists the Necrons field. Dude has manhandled Space Marine Chapter Masters. Him facing this low-class upstart is not going to cause him to break a sweat.


I see wrong, wrong and more wrong. 1) in the second one the C'tan made the bio-transferance machines (albeit with szeras' help) 2) The stormlord is not the best fighter but the best tactician. Also, in my book, Jarkhyr gets extremely lucky in the fight because his lychguard are extremely well trained and can fight off Imotekh's. 3) Trazyn wants the staff intact and made sure Jarkhyr was alive- directly or indirectly. 4) Necrons do have fear, and it was Imotekh's arrogance that lead him so far, underestimating Jarkhyr and not bringing enough troops with him on his personal quest (I mentioned the world was extremely isolated) 5) Imotekh is not a perfect tactician, is arrogant side often gets the better of him and any losses he has are as a result of that. 6) It's meant to sound like a studio thing, it's just a background to my book and will not be in the book itself 7) Jarkhyr didn't have as many but awoke the tomb on the planet and 8) the story in still a work in progress.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5920016.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5920016.page GMT The Rise of Jarkhyr GW's lore on the character. Never. That makes him, perhaps, the single most-deadly duelist in the galaxy.

Imotekh is not, of course, a perfect tactician. There is no such thing as a "perfect tactician". He is, what with the effects of the 13th Black Crusade on Cadia, better than Creed. Even GWs comments on the Lord of Storms rate him very, very highly:

http://www.games-workshop.com/gws/catalog/productDetail.jsp?catId=cat440160a&prodId=prod1380036a

The Necrons had already been using necrodermis in their machines (such as the torch-ships), and had built the shells for the C'Tan to inhabit. Then they moved themselves into the Necron forms.

... and "Awakening" a Tomb World does not put one "in command" of that Tomb World. It just means that you've activated the Reanimation Protocols, and without pulling a Pirate King, you have to deal with the Warriors of whatever Dynasty owns this world and their own security protocols.

But if you want your guy to be Necron Lord Mart'ekh Stu'ue, by all means, go right ahead. It's your book. I'm just telling you how it reads to me, as someone with absolutely no vested interest in the outcome.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5920391.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5920391.page GMT Re:The Rise of Jarkhyr http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5925962.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/543527/5925962.page GMT Re:The Rise of Jarkhyr
Quite often you employ a Deus Ex Machina to explain a situation or justify a plot point, and I was a little confused as to where it came from. So many items or situations just appear or are resolved, with very little explanation.
The staff appears from nowhere, and crypteks seem to pop out of the woodwork when needed.

If this is meant to be a summary of your Overlords story, then it should be easy for someone with no knowledge of him to understand, and it just isnt.

I think you need to shorten and simplify it a little. Spend a little more time explaining the whole situation. Give some context.

You also pull a C.S.Goto 'Land Raider to Razorback' with the Ultralith/Megalith. You also mention it a few times, and again at the end, but dont go into much detail on its nature or significance.

Jarkhyr gets beaten and leaves for another jungle world, and this one also happens to be a heavily populated tomb world?

And as Psienesis has said, there are several points which seem to directly counteract established fluff. Granted, this often happens, GW and the BL do it all the time, but in this case when its adding to a hard to follow story and a lot of deus ex type events, it just makes it hard to swallow.




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