<![CDATA[Latest posts for the thread "Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation?"]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/list/54.page JForum - http://www.jforum.net Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation? id like to start of and say id like to have a reasonably civil and decent discussion, I think this a fairly important topic and affect's alot of people
Also id like to add that in context to this family situation both me and my brother are reasonalbe people, we have never been in trouble for anything, nor trouble makers of any sort, nor have we had the typical growin up hatin' on your parents type of thing

When i was a kid growing up i always thought it so strange when my other friends would hang out and enjoy times with their parents, I was very confused especially about my mates who would actually enjoy spending time and having any type of relationship with their dad's.

I litterally could not comprehend or even figure out how anyone could possibly even like their own father and have anything to do with them, i still struggle to comprehend this idea, it is absolutely and completely alien to me.

My relationship with my mother is slighlty better we can both tolerate each other and i guess theres some type of mutual parental love between us but i honestly think thats about as far as it goes

Now with my situation the thing is my parents havent really ever been neglectful and they've more or less supported me and my brother, but i guess we've always felt that it's been more of an obligation thing rather than any type of willingness.

It's sort of been hard for me and my brother because we've never really got any of that help or guidance that parent's are meant to give you. In a nutshell we literally have no idea what we're meant to do. weve had no guidance on schooling, or work ethic, or how to get jobs. We've more or less had to try and figure out all these things since we were children

we both have literally no idea what to do

It's a weird situation we've got, we have all lived under the same household forever but it is like 4 strangers living under one roof.

I've thought how this has affected me growing up and what's influenced me

1. Both my parents dont like each other at all, since a toddler they've both made sure we know this, and told how terrible relationships are and to never under any cirumstances think about getting a partner
2. my dad is an extremely hateful person, of most races, religions and generally finds anyone intolerable other than himself. (including his own children)
3. both have violent tempers and are somewhat incapable of any normal (feeling) talk
4. id say life guidance, something me an brother have never got any off
5. Inlue with what id call the life guidance issue, my parents have never really helped us with anything, but are more than happy to complain and put us down when something doesnt go right

These only touch some of the issues, but are probably the ones which have influenced me as a person and here are some points about myself which have carried over to my life as an adult (im 22 years old)

1. I am completely incapable of having a relationship with a woman at all, i have an inante fear and hatred of anything to do with possibly finding a partner, now this isn't misoginy, i am completely fine with having female friends, i just cannot tolerate having anything more than that

2. I find myself hating people, like real hatred, not necesarilly racism or anything, i just find i hate all people other than those i make friends with, i instanlty find the stuff i dislike about them and it just turns me off being part of society at all

3. i was never an angry person as a child, but as ive gotten older my temper has gotten more violent and i find myself angry constantly like all the fething time

4. I more or less have no idea how to function within society and life, i mean i can im capable of working at just got another job, but i feel i cant be part of anything

5. I cannot come to terms with my emotions at all, i feel completely emotionless other than anger, i've never dealt with this at all. I've never spoken to anyone about my emotion ever, not friends, not family not anyone. I feel like an alien with anything to do other than that

6. The concept of family and even starting one both sickens and disgusts me. I am completely alien to this concept

Now these are only some of the issues both me and my brother face, and really im not starting this topic for empathy or any other of that pathetic crap, but id like to know if im the only one who's dealt with this type of stuff, and what they've done to overcome it.

I think ive missed out on alot of stuff and want to know if its possible to remedy this situation before i become to cut off from this issue

I'd also like to know what people's ideas and opinions are on parenting and the relationships we have, id most welcome anyone elses stories and experiences as well, as im genuinely interested as i have no idea about this whole family stuff and whether it's important at all in life?

thank you






]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269844.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269844.page GMT Re:Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation? http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269888.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269888.page GMT Re:Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation? It is a bad situation and deserving of sympathy but Dakka Dakka is not really the place for this kind of personal blog type of post. I will leave it open for now, considering the possibility that others may want to discuss the same kind of issue. But you should know this will probably be locked and not least of all because personal subjects like this can elicit some rude comments that may deserve rude responses but nonetheless it is all against our rules here.

Now all that said, a dysfunctional parent-child relationship is a huge disadvantage to both but arguably it is worse for the child (at least until the parent is aged and requires care). All the things you describe, like difficulty dealing with emotions and relationships and figuring out how to find a place in society, are classic symptoms of this kind of family dysfunction. So it's not that there is something particularly wrong with you. If anything, your post demonstrates a sense of objectivity and some confidence in the fact that you and your brother deserve better.

Frankly, I am not really sure how to tackle these issues. The first thing that comes to mind is to recommend that you research mentorship programs and try to find a positive male authority figure for yourself and your brother. Having a (for lack of a better term) a grown-up who has done something with his life to turn to for advice is really invaluable for a young man.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269900.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269900.page GMT Re:Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation? http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269903.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269903.page GMT Re:Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation?
For whatever it's worth, my dad was one of my best friends. We played video games, he taught me soldering and gave me an introduction to building things. We worked on the house together. One day the family went to gak, and I didn't end up talking to my family for about six years. Literally not a word. We've patched things up since then, and things are getting back to some kind of wholesome Norman Rockwell thing. So I guess communication and making sure that everyone understands each others needs are really important. It's also sometimes important to throw away petty arguments in the favor of making sure that family comes first.

But seriously though, have a look at that keyboard man.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269920.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269920.page GMT Re:Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation?
I think not having a dad growing up messed me up with dating and girls in general. I didn't really get into dating much until I was in my 20s. Even then I was really guarded with my feelings and wouldn't open up. Even now my wife says I need to communicate more. As far as hating people, work 10 years in law enforcement and you really start to dislike people alot. I have only a few people that I consider real friends, and asd far as I'm concerned thats fine. I never was big on going out and partying or hanging out with a bunch of drunks.

YOu may need to talk to someone professionally to help you figure things out, you deffinately have some baggage it sounds like. Good luck figuring it all out.

]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269923.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269923.page GMT Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation? http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269965.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7269965.page GMT Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation?
No rush to get prescribed some kind of drugs (though that may end up being part of the solution): just talk to someone who is personally not involved in the situation, so they can be objective (as much as a human can be), but professionally committed to compassion and to helping you understand why you're in pain and what to do about it.

Yes, it can be expensive, and I don't know how medical coverage works in your country, but there are social workers and other qualified, compassionate people who can help you if traditional therapy isn't doable.

I speak from experience -- long and painful years of it -- and I can say therapy helped me. I think it can help you.
]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7270037.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7270037.page GMT Re:Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation? http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7271460.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7271460.page GMT Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation? http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7271597.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7271597.page GMT Re:Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation?
You sound like you might be painfully lonely?

Only feeling anger is probably because you're not opening up to people about this kind of thing. Pushing emotions down inside you usually has them ending up festering into anger.

I think perhaps some kind of counselling would work.]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7271707.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7271707.page GMT Child-parent relationships? whats everyones situation?
 mitch_rifle wrote:
I'd also like to know what people's ideas and opinions are on parenting and the relationships we have, id most welcome anyone elses stories and experiences as well, as im genuinely interested as i have no idea about this whole family stuff and whether it's important at all in life?

My father has never shown any sign of interest about the family he's built, the only family worthy of his attention is the family he's inherited.

Basically: Family (inherited) > Job > Hobbies >>> Family (built).

I guess it's a macho thing (he's from north africa); he's all about his mamma, and just doesn't care that much about his wife and his kids.

Basically, I just moved to get a job and built a new life. New environment, new friends. Put my old life in the trash, and try to build something new. It's not easy. When I'm looking at other people, I feel... late? Like I've missed something, and wasted many, many years. I had to learn everything from scratch, from how to get friends, to meeting women, or even doing very basic tasks like cooking and doing my own laundry. Dad doesn't know how to change a tire or a lightbulb, so I guess that's okay.

I try to consistently put at least 300km between me and him. He doesn't know exactly where I live. Even when I lived at my parent's, he didn't even know (or care about) what I was studying, so I guess that's okay too... I used to come back for a couple days every other week. Then every month. Then every other month. I kinda feel bad about that, because while I feel better, my mom still needs to do every chore herself, without any help.

My girlfriend has exactly the same problem with her mother, and has known disastrous relationships in the past. We've been throught the same things, actively support each other, and try to rebuild our lives from scratch. I guess that's an important part of our relationship.

The fun part of the story: my father really expects me to take care of him when he grows old. Yeaaaaaah, right.
Dad, I'll take care of mom if she's got special needs, wants to live under our roof or see her grandchildren grow. Just ask my brother, okay? Once he's done smoking pot, he'll take care of you. ]]> http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7272775.page http://www.dakkadakka.com/dakkaforum/posts/preList/618520/7272775.page GMT