The Fortunately-Unfortunately Game

The Rules of this game are simple: One person starts a story using a phrase such as:

One day, there was this guardsman named jeff

Then the next person must post a phrase about the previous post, but it must start with Fortunately or Unfortunately:

Unfortunatley, he was a heretic

The next person after that must post a message begining with the other word, so if the last post started with fortunately, then the next would start with unfortunately and vise versa.

Fortunately, no-one had noticed it yet

And so on, so the story would read:

One day, there was this guardsman named Jeff
Unfortunatley, he was a heretic
Fortunately, no-one had noticed it yet

A few other main points:
No stupidly long installments, limit of one or two sentances.
No killing off the main character, unless the story is getting boring, at which point someone either starts again or brings in a new main character.
You must wait for someone else to post until you post again.

New Story:
Once upon a time, there was an Imperial citizen called Maximus (Max for short)

Unfortunately, he was a heretic.

Fortunately, all around were heretics as well

Unfortunately, Nurgle took a liking to them.

Fortunately, medicines were one of the main exports of the planet.

Unfortunately they only exported it and didn't keep it for themselves.

Fortunately, Max got on the last ship "outta Dodge" before the Nurgle infestation really took over.

Unfortunately, the ship also contained an Inquisitor.

Fortunately, he'd had a late night searching for the cause of the Nurgle infestation, and was nodding off.

Unfortunately (for the ship's doctor), he remembered that he had a prostate exam the next morning.

Fortunately a Daemonnette from the pub from last night stole his scrotum.

Unfortunately, said organ was carrying a bad case of undiagnosed, highly contagious gender-reversing Manthrax, which had already taken hold in Max's body.

Fortunately, tzeench stepped in to save him from the change

Unfortunately, Tzeentch only decided to save Max. The rest of the crew would please his appetite for change. But not Max. Not today...

Fortunately, this wasn't a bad situation for Max to be in at all.

Unfortunately, none of the now-purely-female crew knew how to cook or clean, and their Servitors were unresponsive.

Max would have to do his own laundry and make his own sandwiches!

Fortunately, he had ratlings that were too small to be infected that could do all those things, and program Housework Servitors.

Unfortunately said ratlings had to be convinced to do his bidding and submit to his will and he had no idea how

Fortunately, the Ogryns on the ship scared them enough to do his bidding in exchange for protection.

Unfortunately, the Ogryns only agreed to work with Max on the condition that he could sweet-talk his way into a safe landing somewhere in the Imperium... and with a gender-changed and mostly unresponsive Inquisitor onboard, he had a lot of explaining to do!

Fortunately, the "outta Dodge" had pressurized bays so he could dump the body safely.

Unfortunately, he was hungry and the Ogryns had eaten all the food.

Fortunately, he was an ogryn and ate food.

Unfortunately Max, the Ogryn, didn't know how to pilot the "outta Dodge"... and they were approaching the planet NutWilcom at high speed!

Fortunately, Max was getting indigestion from the food he ate, and decided to run to the environmentally sealed bathroom that was designed to survive ship breakup.

Unfortunately, as the ship broke up in NutWilcom's toxic atmosphere, the bathroom module was hurled into orbit... where it continued to circle the planet (with Max entombed inside) for 3 long days.

Fortunately, the bathroom turned waste into organic food, so Max wasn't hungry

Unfortunately, there was no water to be had in the bathroom.

Fortunately, there was a large supply of kool-aid stashed underneath some tiles.

Unfortunately, Kool-Aid is the spawn of Slaanesh.

Fortunately, after a close call with both Tzeentch and Slaanesh aboard the "outta Dodge", Max was picked up by an inbound shuttle and ferried down to the surface of NutWilcom.

Unfortunately the shuttle was actually the ship he was just on, he had traveled back in time somehow and was heading towards the planet at an uncontrollable speed again.

Fortunately, the ship blew up stopping him from hitting the planet.

Unfortunately, he was thrown out of the ship and started heading towards the planet...totally unprotected

Fortunately, he was an Ogryn, and his super-thick skull acted as a heat shield.

Unfortunately, he was still going to fall quite a long way.

Fortunately, the planet was covered in sponge.

Unfortunately, there was quite a few Spiky rock formations in the sponge.

Fortunately he only nicked his scalp as he grazed the spiky rocks, landing mostly on soft, soft sponge.

Unfortunately, Nurgle infected the scalp wound

Ninjaowned

Fortunately, he was able to absorb most of the Infection using a handy sponge he found somewhere.

Unfortunately, this was nurgle and there were still billions of diseases left in him from it.

Right, I'm moving this on:

Fortunately, the emperor appeared and banished all chaotic infestations from max, making him completely immune, then dissapeared back to Terra.

Unfortunately, this lead to a Tyranid invasion of the sponge planet.

fortunately, max was a hungry ogryn and ate a lot of the tyranid spores as they landed

Edit: Simulpost!

Unfortunately, Max realized it was impossible to eat tyranids after all, so he burrowed deeper into the sponge to hide. He stumbled upon some strange, glowing creatures in a cavern deep below the surface... and was drawn to them like a moth to a light.

Fortunately, and unlike a moth, he was not burned to a crisp.

Unfortunately, as Max got closer he realized the glowing creatures were actually the bulbous, brain-heavy tyranids commonly called Zoanthropes. These creatures seemed to be coordinating the tyranid attack above... and were desperately searching for the Inquisitor that had been enroute to the planet.

Even more unfortunately, the secrets that Inquisitor had carried were now in Max's dim-witted possession... and about to be handed over to the Hive Mind!

Fortunately, Zoanthropes have no eyes.

Unfortunately for Max, one of the Zoanthropes sense his presence and unleashed a devastating telepathic attack on his pea-sized brain!

Fortunately, max has a pea-sized brain. He suffered a mild headache as a result.

Unfortunately, a minor headache in a pea-sized brain is like setting off a firecracker in an anthill...

Fortunately, Max blacked out before he had a chance to realize the excrutiating pain he was in. He woke up to find himself tentacled-down inside a tyranid HiveFleet ship, but by some incredible stroke of luck, he was alone in the chamber- for now...

Unfortunately the chamber was actually the mouth of a large angry bio titan.

fortunately Max the Ogryn had a case of bad stomach.... He deliverd a massive load o Orgyn "suprise" into said bio titan mouth

Unfortunately, the bio-titan loved it so he closed his jaws

Fortunately the Bio-titan had a toothache.

Unfortunately, the toothache was a couple genestealers gnawing on it.

fortunately Max loved to branch out in his love life, so Xeno Vs Ogryn threesome followed

Unfortunately, they used no protection, so Max had now AIDS...besides carrying a Xeno-spawn inside of him, that would eventually burst out and kill him

Fortunately Max, unaware of his now-sure eventual demise, finished his business and politely tapped on the inside of the bio-titan's jaw. Suprised, the creature opened its' mouth and dropped him- right into a group of the smaller tyranids (gaunts) milling mindlessly about.

Unfortunately, they crowded around Max calling out "mama... mama"

Fortunately, Max was able to heard them toward the bio-titan's more... sensitive... areas, and promptly escape into the corridors beyond. After winding his way through the vessel, he came upon a large, cavernous room, where he glimpsed more Zoanthropes gathered around what appeared to be the Inquisitor's torn and bloodied, but intact, cloak...

Unfortunately, Max then passed gas in a loud rip that reverberated off the walls and the Zoanthropes turned toward him.

Fortunately, it was Ogryn gas which was enough to kill the Zoanthropes.

Unfortunately,it was enough to kill him as well

Fortunately he had a gas mask on him

Unfortunately, it only helped against nuclear weapons.

Fortunately, Max had eaten nuclear waste and his gas was radioactive, so he boogied out of the cave with the inquisitor's bloody body.

Unfortunately, Max's pea-sized brain was strained to the limit by all of the commotion, and he failed to notice a small data-chip slip from the Inquisitor's cold, white-knuckled fist and clatter onto the floor. A few gaunts trailing him did notice it, however...

Unfortunately, because of his radioactive diet, he was now radioactive, so the inquisitor's bloody body started to fall apart, and soon so did Max as well

(aka_tizz, just make sure you remember the rules of the game... i.e. you can't kill off the main character!)

Fortunately, Max was an Ogyrn, and didn't need all that extra fat, anyway. He also noticed the two gaunts scuttering away with the data chip, one of them muttering "It came to me... My precious..." and had a moment of confusion, briefly thinking he was a part of the wrong Games Workshop Ltd. miniature wargaming system.

Unfortunately, that turned out to be the case. He had somehow ended up in Middle Earth.

Fortunately, the Middle earth spin-off was his dream caused by radiaton.

RiTides wrote:(aka_tizz, just make sure you remember the rules of the game... i.e. you can't kill off the main character!)

Fortunately, Max was an Ogyrn, and didn't need all that extra fat, anyway. He also noticed the two gaunts scuttering away with the data chip, one of them muttering "It came to me... My precious..." and had a moment of confusion, briefly thinking he was a part of the wrong Games Workshop Ltd. miniature wargaming system.

No, i'm not killing off the main the main character, i just put him in near-death situations just to make it difficult for the others to get him out >: )

Unfortunately, now he was stuck in there, with apparently no chance of getting out

Fortunately Max, having lost his extra fat from a radiation diet earlier, was able to wiggle free of his "sitcky" situation. He caught up to the Gaunts and grabbed one by the tail, causing it to turn viciously, bring up its talons, and... challenge him to a riddle contest! To which Max replied "What do I have in my pockets?"

Unfortunately, the Gaunt attacked his face as soon as he said it.

Fortunately, Max carried a bag of extra faces, just for such an incident.

Unfortunately, Max's new face didn't fit quite right, and he couldn't stop slurring his words together. "Is it a ball of string?" the Gaunt queried, to which Max replied "Nm iz mut you gul o img." The Gaunt took this to be a "Yes", and clattered back down the hall, clutching tightly to the data chip.

fortunately Max had his gun still, witch he proceeded to shoot the foul xeno with. After doing that he retrieved said chip and continued on his way

Unfortunately, the chip had been damaged beyond repair

Fortunately, Max was also an accomplished Tech Priest and knew how to duplicate the original.

Unfortunately, Max the Ogryn / Tech Priest didn't have the tools to engage in nano-fiber etching at a 10^9 micrometer scale on his person at that moment. He would need the resources available only in the engineering section of an Imperial ship, if he was to unravel the contents of the mysterious chip...

Fortunately, the Tyranid ship was also the byproduct of a radiation dream and he was actually on board an Imperial battleship.

Unfortunately, Max's being a Tech Priest was ALSO a part of the dream, and so he was still left with a mysterious chip in his possession, with no discernable way to find out its contents!

Even more unfortunately... Max became unable to dream for the ENTIRE REMAINING DURATION of the chain fiction thread.

(Good save, RiTides)
Fortunately, the Imperial ship hailed from a planet where there was a large population of Ogryns, so the crew was not at all distressed by the appearance of one out of seemingly nowhere.

Unfortunately the ship was a chaos renegade ship filled with Orgys who followed Khorne..... So Max was now stuck on ship filled with angry, angry Chaos Ogryns

Fortunately, as Max cowered in a corner while the angry, angry Ogryns poked, prodded, and even nibbled at him, the chip clutched in his white-knuckled fist suddenly began to heat up. Suprised, Max dropped it onto the deck. As it clattered onto the floor of the Chaos-infected structure, there was a bright white flash, and every electrical circuit on the vessel violently blew out- "FZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT-BOOOOOOM!!!"

Unfortunately, the chip also blowed Max's brain-enhancement module, so he was now left with a rat-like intellgence

Fortunately, Max remembered that the whole Tech Priest enhancement episode had been part of his dreaming days (which are now long gone). He also mused over the fact that he already had an intelligence on a vermin-like scale, a natural benefit of being born as an Ogryn. All was right and well in his little world once more!

Unfortunately, Max realized it was his birthday, and he was missing his own party

Fortunately, with the loss of his planet and a brain the size of a pea, he didn't have any friends either, ergo, no party.

Unfortunately, the Tyranids still made him a cake, and it would be rude not to eat it, despite not knowing what it's made of.

Fortunately, being an Ogryn meant that Max didn't know what rude meant and didn't eat the cake.

Unfortunately, this made the swarm very angry at Max.

Fortunately, Tyranids are unable to have emotions

Unfortunately, Tyranids are always angry, all the time. Also always hungry, all the time. To make matters worse, Max now had to think of an escape plan!

Fortunately, Max's pea-sized brain remembered that he was on a Chaos ship, with a lot of angry, angry Ogryns, which showed up on page 3 of the Chain Fiction Thread of which he was the star.

Having realized that fact, he felt happier, since Ogryns don't know have the faintest idea of how to bake cakes. He groped around, picked up the still-mysterious chip from the floor of the pitch-black vessel (since all of the electronics were fried, also from page 3), and started walking away, whistling an Ogryn lullaby to himself.

Unfortunately, the Ogryn lullaby he was whistling to himself attracted Slaanesh's attention, so the dark god decided to give Max some "nice" gifts...such as sending 2 Keepers of Secrets to "tend" to him...Chaos god's way

Fortunately, due to the Emperors benevolent intervention on page 2, Max was Immune to chaos, and so was unnaffected.

Unfortunately, Max blended in with the rest of the angry, angry Ogryn crew, since to the Keepers' ears an Ogryn lullaby sounds something like "Mmph Argh Ur Omph Ungg"- not unlike the sound of chewing on your tongue while attempting to hum The Macarena. So while the rest of the Ogryns were "tended", Max lumbered into an escape pod, fastened his seat belt carefully, and blasted away from the Chaotic vessel.

This was unfortunate because (other than the fact that three of us simultaneously posted in "fortunate") Max had no idea how to pilot the escape pod!

Fortunately, Max was a heretic. (see page one)

Unfortunately, the Inquisition was after him (also page 1)

Fortunately, this doesn't mean much as the Inquisition is out to get everyone.

Unfortunately, the Inquisition was more than a tiny bit more interested in having a conversation with Max than your everyday, run-of-the-mill heretic, given that he had in his possession the still-most-mysterious-chip.

As his escape pod tumbled through space, a scout ship sent a tight-beam transmission back to Imperial space with his coordinates... and soon every ship in the sector made an about-face and closed in on his position at top speed.

Fortunately, an escape pod is very hard to find against the emptiness of space. Even more so when Max ate the locator beacon by mistake.

Unfortunately, an Imperial Cruiser did find the escape pod. When it crashed into it.

Fortunately, the ship was black so the occupants would surely help him.

Unfortunately, they had someone who just couldn't keep his mouth shut...so soon the Inquisition got a hold of Max and they started questioning him...Inquisition style

Fortunately Max had the Emperors benevolent protection, upon noticing this the Inquisition hailed max as the Emperors new champion. So now max the 4 paged Ogryn had the Inquisition as his new buddy's

Unfortunately, the inquisitors like to pull pranks on Max the Ogryn Emperor's Champion... they got him with the water and funnel trick and the bowl of water and broom trick... they even put flour in his blow dryer once...

Fortunately, Max decided to pull a few pranks of his own...

Unfortunately, they all backfired on him.

Fortunately, Max was prepared, as his weapon usually did as well

Unfortunately, they didn't like his preparedness, so they took his weapon and shot him with it...in the ballz. So Max the Ogryn was now Maxine the Ogrynee

Fortunately, two droids, who weren't the ones everyone was looking for, sneaked off the escape pod where they had been concealed, and bumped into Maxine.

A mysterious data-chip was activated, and a hologram figure appeared in the air.

Unfourtunately the screen was a bit fuzzy and Maxine couldn't quite make out who it was, so Maxine mistaked the emperor for his gran.

(very nice, Kilkrazy )

Fortunately, a good smack cleared up the fuzzy picture, like it always does, and he realized that a beautiful princess was asking for his help.

This gave him the testicular fortitude to "grow a pair" so to speak, and be referred to as Max once again by one and all.

Unfortunately, these testosterone shots also made Max even -angrier-. His name officially became "Mad Max", and he set off angrily to find the princess.

Mad max the angrier Ogryn looted a Thunder hawk and sett of in his search for the princes, When he reached the nearest space port he was contacted by a blue skinned fish face....

Anshal wrote:Mad max the angrier Ogryn looted a Thunder hawk and sett of in his search for the princes, When he reached the nearest space port he was contacted by a blue skinned fish face....

I love this, but remember to include fortunately before it, as the person before you was on unfortunately. (its still got to make sense).

Unfortunately, the blue-skinned fish face was actually the true face of the princess, who was in love with Mad Max the angrier Ogryn, and she wanted him to marry her and have lots and lots of Fishgryns

Hahahhaha

I don't have anything to add just yet... but I busted out laughing at this one . Fishgryns!!

Fortunately, the Fish Face Empire (tm) is much more accepting of strange abhumans than most, so Max was offered a job.

Unfortunately, the FFE is less progressive about inter-species marriage. Max's boss attempted, in various ways, to encourage Max to have an "accident". His most recent attempt began by introducing a few drops of hallucinogen into Max's morning coffee, and then...

Fortunately, Mad Max was having a blast with his hallucinations (which he didn't know were hallucinations, being quite stupid). He enjoyed a solid day of romping around a (more) fictitious universe. The best part of his day must have been the Thunderdome.

Unfortunately Mad max the angrier ogryn realised that a Ogryn should not be in such a place. So he got his hand on a really red painted figther and wooshed away from the foul place

Fortunatley the red fighter jet was a sacred artefact said to have been owned by the God that the FFE worshiped. As a reward they ignored the interspecies bit and let the marrige commence.

Unfortunately, the blue-skinned fish face princess was a little strange in bed, so when Mad Max the angrier Ogryn tried to have sex with her, she tied him up and stung him with her venomous needles repeatedly...in the butt

Erm...

Fortunately, since Mad Max's ordeal was taking place on a family-friendly wargaming forum, the rest of that incident got edited out of the story

He also noticed the mysterious chip (which he always kept in his shirt pocket, next to his heart, for good luck) pulsing whenever he passed a certain doorway on his way to work. One morning he decided to check and see if it was unlocked... and as Ogryns (especially angry ones) tend to do, he accidentally broke it off the hinges.

Unfortunately, this room was the private bathroom of Max the angrier Ogryn's mother in law, perch-face, and she was using it at the time. The stench was mind-boggling.

Fortuantely Max the angry and now married Ogryn felt a strangely attracted to the foul smell. He then ate miss perh/face and then went for a nap

Unfortunately, miss perch-face didn't like to be eaten so she complained to her daughter through Max's farts

Fortunately, it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity -- Miss Perch-face wasn't Max's mother in law because if she was she would have been a Mrs -- she was in fact a thief who had been robbing Mrs Perch-face's bathroom scent cupboard.

Unfortunately, eating bathroom thieves was still considered a crime, punishable by long talks about relationships, and in-laws visiting for monthes.

Fortunately Max was immune to such horrid warp spawned horros, after escaping this Max went outside and got yelled at by a old old old man in a metal box

Unfortunately the old old old man in a metal box was a Grey Knight Dreadnought, sent by the Ordo Malleus to purge the fish-people and anyone else unlucky enough to get in the way, and what he yelled was "Death to the fishes and their Ogryn buddies!"

Fortunately, the dreadnought wasn't stainless steel and the iron rusted solid and couldn't move before it could kill Max... so he ran upstairs into the bedroom, hoping for some peace and quiet.

Unfortunately for Max Grey Knigths dont knock on doors, they simply tear down the house! So Max the now heretic labeled Orgyn got his house torn appart by a angry, angry Grey knight with a nemesis force weapon

Fortunately the house had been condemned as unfit for Ogryn or fishy inhabitation, so tearing it apart saved a lot of demolition costs.

With his new found wealth, Max took Mrs Max for a nice holiday.

Unfortunately, there are still plane-hijackers in the 41st milennium.

Fortunately, Max went by ship.

Unfortunately there are still pirates in the 41st millenium

fortunately they weren't bum pirates

orkylooter wrote:fortunately they went bum pirates

Lolwut? What are you trying to say?

Unfortunatley Max got his bum looted by the bum pirtaes who cooked it with a sauce of Ork brain sauce

Fortunately, he still had enough money to go on vacation -and- get an augmetic butt transplant.

Unfortunately, on the return voyage from the augmetic clinic, his ship got wrecked and Max was cast ashore on a desert island with no entertainment materials except a sono-player, 12 aud-cubes, a copy of the Uplifting Primer and a copy of the Complete Works of Shakespear.

Not being much of a reader, Max sat down to take stock of his aud-cubes.

Fortunately, Shakespere's plays were saved to an audio file on his Dataslate, and after listening to the Bard of Albion's "Macbeth" he decided to create a hilariously skewered Ogryn version...

Unfortunately, he had no writing materials.

Fortunately, Max was saved by a passing Inquisitor.

Considering the basic plot of a wronged, ambitious Ogryn and his fishy wife doing in the rightful Emporer and taking over the Space Kingdom, it was lucky that Max hadn't written down any of his new play.

Unfortunately, Max wasn't one to put thought into situationally appropriate behavior (or much else, for that matter), and began to act out his play in front of the wide-eyed and very utterly confused Inquisitor.

Fortunately the Inquisitor assumed the madness was caused by a combination of being an Ogryn and sunstroke.

Max sat down on his new bottom to consider his options.

Unfortunately, Max sat on the Inquisitor's favorite priceless pet Space-Tiger

fortunately it turned out to be a space marines
from the space tigers chaper

Unfortunately, the exact area Max sat on was the Marine's Power Fist.

Fortunately, it was time for Max's annual colonoscopy.

Unfortunately, this Marine was an Apothecary by the name of "Dr. Bigfingers"

Fortunately the Dr. Bigfingers got deployed as a vital part of a mission.

Unfortunately, Dr. Bigfingers had the principle never to stop a consultation with a patient once he had started, so he brought Max on the mission with him.

"Here we go again", though Max. "Thank Emporer my bottom is augmetic -- I just hope the batteries last!"

Fortuantley Max the angrier and bum augmented bum looter victim met a Tech Priest who loved to get "hard love" on the hood of a Baneblade painted pink

It looked beautiful! Max whipped out his camera and shot a pic.



Unfortunately the Tech Priest was furious at the Ogryn taking photos without permission. With a white-hot ejaculation of fury, he kicked Max, Mrs Max and the augmetic bottom off the Baneblade to be crushed to death under its mighty tracks!!!

Fortuantely Max bounced of a Servitor while Ms Max got pulped under the treads, upon seein this Max howled with joy. He proceded to butt pump said Servitor in sheer joy

Unfortunately, Max was once again pushing the boundaries on "Family Friendly" and the Imperial Bureau of Behavioral Standards had to come in and give him a stern and very boring talking-to.

Fortunately, even after sitting and listening to the Imperial Bureau Admonisment Servitor for several hurs, the batteries in the augmetic bottom were still okay, so Max decided to walk home.

Killkrazy wrote:several hurs

HURR!


Unfortunately, Max remembered he was on a completely different planet. Getting home suddenly became a very daunting prospect. Max would need some booze if he was to make it back.

"Eight Ace, that's what I need", thought Max's brain to itself.

Fortunately, the welcoming glow of an ADLD store could be seen in the distance. Max struck out at IG marching pace, his augmetic buttocks clenching and unclenching like a pair of well oiled machines.

Unfortunately what max saw as a ADLD store was actually in fact a hallucination of the heat creating a mirage in the distance.

Fortunately, he was too stupid to realise this so walked in and bought a beer (or 40k equivelent).

Unfortunately, the beer (or 40k equivalent) had been stuff with laxatives, and when Max finally gave in, he sprayed the whole area around, including the Space Tigers Chapter Master who was happening to pass by

Fortunately, the Chapter Master was wearing his helmet with his armour, as he was tired of being the target of "Bald and Screaming, HUUURRR!" jokes.

Unfortunatley he did not like getting hozed by Max, So once again Max found himself in a unpleasent conflict with a helmet wearing bald and angry man

Fortunately, Dr. Bigfingers was still nearby, and suddenly remembered that the Chapter Master had also been avoiding his prostate exam. Pulling on his latex glove, he beckoned the Chapter Master over, allowing Max to escape.

Unfortunately, the Chapter Master was allergic to latex, and his bottom swelled up like a baboon's.

Dr. Bigfingers realised the only cure was an immediate augmetic bottom transplant, and he didn't have any spare bottoms on hand.

Suddenly he remember Max...

Fortunately, Max had a good headstart, and had managed to hude in an Ogryn-sized scrub field

Unfortunately the Scrub field was full of farmers that had been infected by chaos, which was the reason behind the chapter master being in the non existent bar.

Fortunately, "Blessed is the mind too small for thought".

Max was protected from the taint of chaos by his innate Ogrynnish stupidity.

The chaotic farmers did not dare to physically attack a beered-up 10 foot tall thug who had an augmetic bottom and a carrier bag full of Eight Ace.

Unfortunately the same did not go for the Khorn berserker lord hiding in said field

"I'm gonna kick your arse!" shouted the Khorn Berker. "Arses for the arse throne!!"

He took a mighty swing of his boot at Max's rear end.

Fortunately the kick short-circuited the batteries in the augmetic bottom. The full power of premium grade Imperial ions discharged into the Berserker's foot, killing him dead in a flash.

Unfortunately, Max's speed of advance was now reduced by half, as his buttocks were running on emergency reserve power.

Max limped slowly back towards the ADLD, in the hope of picking up a couple of packs of AAs.

Fortunately, there was a Space-Wal Mart even closer. And their AA's were 1/2 the cost!

Now stocked up on AA's and candybars, Mad Max the Ogryn was prepared for anything.

Unforunately, he wasn't prepared for the solar flare that erupted that moment, short-circuiting everything he had electronic upon himself (AA's, weapon aiming circuits, IPod, even his laptop), sending him into a deep depression thinking about his mom who he had never met

Fortunately Mad Max the ogryn did not have the minde power to do said thing, Instead he found a shiny new toy lying on the ground

Unfortunately, said shiney toy was really a suringe from Dr Bigfingers medical kit, oh no hes back!!!

Fortunately, the solar flare had also shorted out Dr. Bigfingers' power armour, making him so slow that snails moved at the speed of KENYANS! compared to him. Mad Max would have no trouble outshambling him.

unfortunately the soler flare came from a necron lord

Fortunately the Necron lord had just lost 75 percent of his warriors so was forced to phase out.

Unfortunately, he had other kinds of necron units which meant that he hadn't phased out, and half of the warriors were brought back by a Monolith.

Fortunately Mad Max the Ogryn stumbled upon a derelict two legged war machine.. This gave him the strange feeling of dressing up in a white and black costume and pwne said necrons

Unfortunately, there were still monoliths replacing the casualties, as more had deep-striked.

Fortunately, Max had in his pack his old teddy bear. As he was an Ogryn, it was a very large bear, about the size of a human child, wearing a tatty leather jacket.

Max knew that for some reason, high-tech armies are very frightened of this kind of creature. He didn't know why, he just assumed that teddy bears of very little brain also made great fighters just like Ogryns.

Max deployed the teddy bear into ambush as a decoy, and tossed a caber which crushed the Necron Lord.

The Necrons, terrified that the planet might be infested with cuddly bear-like warriors, abandoned their attack and warped out.

Unfortunately Mad Max the teddy bear wielding Ogryn had by now attracted the attention of the Ordo Malleus who recognized him as a daemon of Change

Fortunately, Obama took his side, and they yelled CHange at the top of their lungs for well over an hour.

Unfortunately, Obama had to head back to M2 to stop the tea baggers from whining about him being gone all the time, and Max was left alone with the full force of the Ordo Malleus bearing down upon him.

Fortunately, they decided that Max wasn't a daemon, and left him alone.

Unfortunately NOBODY EXPECTS THE INQUISITION !

Fortunately, max didn't know about Monty Python, and so did expect the Inquisition, although they were leaving him alone anyway, due to the 2nd Page Benevolence of the Emperor.

However, Mad Max didn't have anything to do anymore, so he decided to go on a crusade.

Unfortunatley he'd never been on a crusade before and didn't know how to go about preparing for one. He needed help from somewhere.... Where would he find it?

Fortunately he found a timemachine that took him to a place called Jerusalem where he saw a bunch of people wearing crosses and abunch of people wearing crescents.

Unfortunately, the time machine malfunctioned and he was stuck half in the past, and half in the present (which strangely enough, seems to be in our universe, not the 40k one... but that's for another post).

In the past he went about learning Crusader stuff from just watching everybody kill each other... in the present, he learned it from the Xbox 360 console, and a game called "Dante's Inferno"

Fortunately, Max's Ogryn brain could not absorb such cognitive dissonance and continue to function. He blacked out.










Max woke up lying in a pile of empty Ace Lager cans with a headache.

He remembered some strange dream...

Unfortunately, Max had been prevented from dreaming ever again somewhere in page 2...

Fortunately, Max found that one of the cans was NOT, in fact, empty.

"If you can't dream, you can at least drown your sorrows" he thought happily. It was just then that he noticed someone with him in the room... lying on top of their own pile of empty Ace Lager cans. He briefly wondered if he was in a movie recently released on DVD...

On lifting the can Max realised that the bit of his adventure where he had been prevented from dreaming again, had occured in a dream sequence.

He was able to dream!

Unfortunately he had only dreamt there was a can of Ace Lager left, it was in fact empty.

Max shambled over to the other comatose body to see if any cans in that pile might be full.

Fortunately, Max had a moment of revelation as he discarded the empty, mirror-shiney can. As he saw his distorted reflection, everything started falling into place...

-He wasn't actually an Ogryn! He was, in actual fact, an Ogre...
-His late wife was a member of this race
-These two facts together meant that he was a part of Games Workshop Ltd.'s Warhammer Fantasy Battles (tm) game system!

But what was this body lying on the floor next to him? He nudged it over with his toe to see...

Unfortunately, upon touching it with his toe, the 'body' leeched some of his life essence, and reanimated, leaving Max a helpless wreck on the ground!

Fourtunatley Max fell through a large pile of beer cans and was buried in them, obscuring him from the view of whatever it was in the room with him.

Unfortunately Mad Max, woke up when he fell on the cans and there for cried out in pain as he cut himself on open cans, which startled what was ever in the room.

Fortunately the thing seemed very paranoid and Max could see, through a gap in the cans, it huddling in the corner.

Max shambled over to the huddled figure to investigate.

Unfortunately, the huddling was a cunning trap and as Max reached out to shake the body, it suddenly attacked!!!

Fortunately, the reanimated huddling attacking thing was a small poodle.

Spoilsport...

Unfortunately, the poodle was Evil, and deadly. It lunged forward and tried to eat Max's Head!

Fortunately Max's skull was so thick (just like him) and the Evil Poodle of Death was unable to eat it.

Unfortunately the Evil Poodle of Death was infected with the Umbrella Corp's T-Virus.

Poor Max quickly mutated into a raging zombie hungry for flesh. Not all his friends could tell the difference.

Fortunately Max's first victim was the Evil Poodle of Death. At least the poodle couldn't infect anymore people with the T-Virus.

unfortunately,the T-virus was already spreading because max the zomie vomited and it came to life

Fortunately Max being the Orge he was was not even suprised and he struck before the trapped being struck.

Unfourtunately, Max was quite quesy after being sick and missed the Vomited Being and fell on the floor.

Fortunately, Max's big Ogre head broke through the floor and sent him tumbling into the basement away from the Zombie Vomit. He landed on something soft.

Unfortunately, the soft thing was one of the new Beastmen, who got angry and tried to attack Max.

Fortunately, due to the fact an ogre had just landed rather heavily on in, it couldn't really do much.

Unfortunately, the vomit-being began to drip down onto Max the Zombied Ogre, while he was still entangled with the Beastman. In fact, one of its horns was lodged rather uncomfortably into his zombie/ogre buttocks (for whoever had assembled this particular beastman had used the sprue with the sharp, pointy ones)... and so he was helpless to move as the vomit-being again took shape!

And then...?

Fortunately Sigmar showed up and gave max the zombie orge a hand in smiting the vile fiend

Unfortunately, sigmar got confused as to which vile fiend he was supposed to be smiting, and ended up smiting max instead, knocking him unconcious.

Fortunately, when Max awoke he was far away from Sigmar-the-smiter... rolling gently along on some sort of platform. It seemed he had been mistaken for a large, fat corpse (the kind that vampires prize most) and loaded onto a cart...

Unfortunately, vampires tend to turn corpses into zombies, and Max had had quite enough of that.

Fortunately, Max's huge corpse was dropped off in a dirty swamp as the tiny cart could not support his monstrous girth.

Unfortunately, the swamp was the dreaded Fire Swamp, infested with R.O.U.S.s.

(Rodents Of Unusual Size.)

Fortunately, Max was also of an unusual size. Being an ogre, he decided the best use for a R.O.U.S. was this:



Yee-haw!

Unfortunately Xenos Love is still a major crime in the Imperium.

The Battle Sisters of Impuritans Purgens sent a drop pod from orbit to round up the offenders.

Fortunately, in Max's pea-sized brain there was no room for Warhammer 40k / Warhammer Fantasy world cross-overs. So he continued happily riding his R.O.U.S. until it collapsed under his weight at the edge of the swamp, where he gave it a proper burial and shed a few tears over its unfortunate demise.

Unfortunately, Max's pea-sized brain had forgotten he actually was in the 40K world, however he continued on his merry way blissfully unaware that his problems with the Inquisition and SoBs were not yet over.

Meanwhile, the drop pod screamed down through the atmosphere, heading for Max's last know position!!!

Fortunately, by the time the Sisters had fixed their make-up, Max and his ROUS had covered a few miles until it died and they could not find him, especially as the R.O.U.S. was buried.

The Sisters spread out to search for the suspect.

Unfortunately, Max remembered he was hungry. He decided not to let the R.O.U.S's corpse go to waste, especially as it would be easy to cook while he was still at the edge of the Fire Swamp.

The first of the Sisters' scouts caught up with Max while he was tucking into some roast cutlets.

Fortunately, the mess hall on the Sisters of Impuritans Purgens battleship served a gruel that smelled, at best, like mud from the bottom of a boot, and at worst, the meal equivalent to THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH!!!

So a Fire-Swamp-Roasted-Rodent (F.S.R.R.) was a delicacy to them, and some sat down to join Max for supper, while the rest went to round up breakfast.

Max now had a fan club, and they all wanted his autograph.

Unfortunately, Max wasn't used to the attention. This made him very, very angry indeed.

Fortunately, the sisters were all into that kind of thing, and weren't peterbed in the slightest.

Once they had their autographs all the Sisters went back to their drop pod and got sky-lifted back to their orbiting battle fortress.

Max waved goodbye with a little tear in his Ogryn eye. "Now I'm all alone", he thought sadly.

Unfortunately he had forgotten about the Inquisitor!

Fortunately, the Inqisitor only wanted his picture taken with "Mad Max the Wonder Ogryn"

Unfortunately, the Inquisitor wanted his pic taken with his boot on Max's dead body, like one of those old-time "Great White Hunter" scenarios.

Fortunately, the Inquisitor had mislaid said boot, leaving 'Mad Max the Wonder Ogryn' (he's had quite a few titles this chap ) with ample time to run and hide.

Unfortunately, Max's augmetic buttocks had run out of batteries about page 5, leaving him unable to run anywhere fast.

Fortunately, it turned out that the Inquisitors boots had to be sent to the cleaners to purge them of residue heresy, which left Max with a lot of time to move slowly towards a hiding spot.

Unfortunately, the Inquisitor still had a spoon. Dun-Dun-DUNDUNDUN-DUHHHHHHHH

Fortunately, he was currently using it to feed his bound deamon its favourite food: a disgusting mix of khorne flakes and liquid hereshy bars.

(Nice pun, DD )

Unfortunately, Max's augmented bottom started short-circuiting due to the moisture from the Fire Swamp. It switched over to "bounding" mode and stayed jammed there. So Max went lolloping over the landscape- 30 meters at a time!!! It was sure to explode from the overload of energy soon...

Fortunately, Max took a highly-mobile deuce, thus averting disaster.

Unfortunately, Mad Max the Blown out Assed Zombie Ogryn was getting tired of running from this Inquisitor.

Fortunately, even in Max's pea-sized brain the idea of talking to an Inquisitor face to face was red-flagged with a "DO NOT DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!1!1" impulse.

He also remembered that he had appropriated a mysterious chip from his previous encounter with an Inquisitor somewhere on page 3 and (what do you know!) it was still in his pocket! Maybe that's what the Inquisitor was after?

Rather than asking the new-and-very-curious Inquisitor about this face to face (which, as mentioned, was red-flagged), he scribbled out a note: "Du U Wunt Ur Chup Buck?" (for some reason forgetting that there are vowels other than "u") and pinned it to a tree.

Unfortunately Max PINNED the chup to a tree instead of using Blu-tack, sellotape or even Ogryn snot.

When the Inquisitor found the chup it had a hole right through it. He waxed exceedingly wroth against the miscreant Max.

RiTides wrote:...he scribbled out a note: "Du U Wunt Ur Chup Buck?" (for some reason forgetting that there are vowels other than "u") and pinned it to a tree.

Pinned the NOTE or pinned the CHIP?

Fortunately, the Inquisitor was quite confused by this grammatical conundrum, and Max was able to escape.

Unfortunately, a woman driver hit Max head on with her Honda while doing her makeup in the rearview mirror

HAH!

Fortunately, in a match involving an Ogryn vs a small Honda, the ogryn will always win. The car was wrecked and Max walked away unscathed.

Unfortunately, the crash had given the Inquisitor time to catch up.

Fortunately, the Inquisitor suddenly noticed the Outrageous Tech-Heresy of the aforementioned Honda, and stopped to Investigate.

Unfortunately Max decided to stop and help him.

Fortunately, the driver climbed out of the wreck and started screaming at Max, blaming him for the crash. Her boundless stupidity (which was so severe, it made Max look good) caused the Inquisitor's head to explode.

(What, No Handbag bashing? You dissapoint me metallifan... )

Unfortunately, this caused the Inquisitors Bound Deamon to become unbound, and it proceeded to attack both of them.

Fortunately, Max grew tired of sitting and crushed the Daemon under his behind.

(LOL @ Grotzooka! You're right about how I intended the grammar, I even edited it to try to make that more clear... dam pronouns )

Unfortunately... I currently have nothing else to add (so I guess we're still on "unfortunately)

Unfortunately, the late Inquisitor's trusty band of Acolytes sprang from the bushes, guns a-blazing!

Fortunately, the 'a-blazing'guns were literally on fire, which was not a good situation for the Acolytes to be in.

Unfortunately, they smelled like bacon, and when Max bit one he burned his tongue.

Fortunately, the other Acolytes learned a valuable lesson at the hands of their now crispy bitten dead compatriot. So they decided to run in the other direction.

Unfortunately, they ran right into the bushes, tripped over and set it all on fire.

Fortunately, Max had marshmallows with him, and used the fire to roast them.

Unfortunately, the fire had spread out of control, and Max was trapped in an ever-shrinking patch of ground, surrounded by flame. To make matters worse, the surviving Acolytes were stuck in the ring with him, and were still trying to kill him.

Fortunately, Max remembered that he had a tube of Prep-H in his pocket from a long time ago, and used it to put out the burning ring of fire. The Acolytes were eternally greatful

Wow, that was a hell of an escape.

Kudos!!

Unfortunately, the Acolytes read the active ingredient on the side of the tube, and decided to re-commence their attempt to kill Max. After all, if someone with a tube of "Witch Hazel" in their pocket isn't a heretic, who is?

Fortunately the Acolytes, stunned by the rapid series of twists and turns in the story so far, forgot which side they were on and decided to be for Chaos.

Quickly the Acolytes smeared as much Pre-H over themselves as they could grab, leaving Max and his augmetic bottom with nothing except a handful of dead AA batteries.

Unfortunately they suddenly remembered the side they were actually on. Turning towards him with all their fancy preheresy stuff of killing ready.

Fortunately Max was a dead shot with a dead battery. He quickly killed all the acolytes by throwing the AAs at them.

Safe for a while, Max paused to gather his thoughts.

No.1 I need some more batteries.
No.2 What am I going to do with the chup?
No.3 Where am I?
No.4 I'm hungry.

Ogryns can't count to more than four, so he stopped there.

Unfortunately, the answer to each of these questions was as follows:

No.1 The nearest quickie mart is 10 miles away, and he'll have no help from his now-dead augmetic bum!
No.2 & 3 No fethin' idea Although maybe if he can hotwire the chup into his bum...
No.4 Ignore this, it's always the case.

Fortunately, He was right next to a Wal-Mart and McDonalds, solving all his problems.

Unfortunately Max was in the future and these were just displays in the "Service Industries of the Past" exhibit in the Emperor's Second Museum of Knowledge.

Fortunately, there was still a MekDonalds nearby, so Max stopped in and ordered ten Big Morks to go.

Unfortunately the Kroot chef put extra spicy spicy sauce on the Big Morks.

Max's augmetic bum was going to face its most serious test so far, and the batteries were already more or less dead!!

Kilkrazy wrote:Unfortunately the Kroot chef put extra spicy spicy sauce on the Big Morks.

Max's augmetic bum was going to face its most serious test so far, and the batteries were already more or less dead!!

What's worse, he was out of Prep-H, so it would burn like one mean motherf-

Fortunately, there was a nearby "Choppaz' Drugmart", and Max purchased some batteries for his slow-moving behind.

Unfortunately the batteries Max purchased were a size too large.

Owing to a variety of previous life experiences we need not examine in detail, Max was quite used to oversized objects being inserted into his bottom.

So he did not suffer unbearably.

But it was not the most fun he had ever had.

Fortunately, Max was mobile again. He bounded off, looking for a place lacking Inquisitors, daemons, and bad stuff.

Unfortunately, such a place was nowhere to be found. (insert witty non-bum related joke here )

Fortunately, Max was able to find a place that lacked Inquisitors and Acolytes, and just had bad stuff.

fortunately, it was just a grot.

Unfortunately, the previous poster used fortunately where he should have used unfortunately. Fortunately, I am unfortunately using unfortunately where I should be using fortunately, do to the previous posters ninja'd-ness.

(Fortunately?) the grot was also augmented...



...and fell in with Max as a sort of side-kick

Unfortunately the Grot's augmetics also required batteries.

Max tried to remember if there was a branch of Batteriz 'R' Uz anywhere nearby.

Fortunately (for the grot) he was short enough to easily reach in and snatch Max's batteries, and then make a clean get-away.

The grot's name, by the by, was Shim. So Shim buzzed off in his newly-powered augmetic suit, leaving Max the sucker behind.

Unfortunately for Shim, Ogryns have long arms. Max caught him as he tried to dash away, and Shim hung in mid-air, windmilling his arms and legs and making funny noises.

Fortunately for Max, he'd just become hungry again and had a nice grot to snack on.

Unfortunately, the grot had a strange illness, so when Max ate him, he started to turn into a grot as well

Fortunately, Max threw up.

Unfortunately, the metamorphosys had already begun. Now Max was doomed to turn into a grot

Fortunately, due to his odd Ogryn biology, the illness, which usually turned humans into Grots, turned Max into an Ork instead.
(I'm amazed this has got to 10 pages, its been fantastic so far, Keep it up!)

Unfortunately, due to combination of strange illness, becoming an Ork, eating batteries and having an augmetic arse with no power supply,

Huff, huff, huff, huff...

Max was unable to keep it up any longer.

"What on Terra will Mrs Max say?" he thought gloomily. With him as an Ork, a Tau wife who may have died several pages back probably would spurn him as she would spurn a rabid dog.

Fortunately, thanks to Max being an Ork, he decided that lots of Dakka was more important than some nagging wife, and quickly pushed her out of his mind. His new thoughts consisted entirely of 3 things: What small animals could he kick that were nearby, Where was the nearest bush so he could take a bio-break, and how could he secure moar dakka? - and not necessarily in that order!

Unfortunately all the nearby vegetation had been burned by the Ring of Fire, so there was nowhere for a bio-break or for small animals to hide in.

Max considered whether to regurgitate the Grot in order to kick it. Of course he didn't think of it like that. He thought about spewin' up.

Maybe between a dead Grot, a handful of dead batteries, an unpowered augmetic arse and a mysterious chup, he could bash something together.

Fortunately, that's what he did. Although he had absolutely no idea how it worked, or even what it was, for that matter.

(Ninja'ed!)

Unfortunately for Max, the regurgitated Shim was just pretending to be dead. In his now-chup-powered augmetic suit, he made off with all of Max's loot, yelling over his should "Who has moar Dakka now, eh?"

Max was left with a choice- chase after Shim to retrieve his bashed-together creation, or go in search of other small animals to kick.