Here is a lighthearted thread in the vein of Dos Equis "The Most Interesting Man in the World TV/Radio spots"

Here are a few to start.

He once Sanctioned the Emperor himself

He once told Yarrik to work on his Poker Face

He has killed so many people Khorne worships him

He once had to hold Leman Russ's hair after besting him in a drinking contest

He shot a fellow commissar for Heresy.

He has a Sister of Battle's phone number....and has called it

^ And she called him back!

He once summarily executed himself just to be a martyr, and still single-handedly destroyed the enemy army afterwards. Dang, he's good.

He asked a Daemonette of Slaanesh to join him in the bedroom-and she ran away terrified at what he wanted to do.

He won a staring contest against a Dreadnought.

He executed Lord Solar Macharius for being a coward

He strapped explosives to a bag full of Kittens and took down a Titan with it.

He fought a squad of Striking Scorpions in a bar brawl single handed and won.

He outflanked a Titan into Creed's bedroom.

This one time, he killed a Bloodthirster with a spoon.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:This one time, he killed a Bloodthirster with a spoon.

The most amazing thing about that was that there was, and still is, no spoon.

AlmightyWalrus wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:This one time, he killed a Bloodthirster with a spoon.

The most amazing thing about that was that there was, and still is, no spoon.

Indeed. In fact, the only weapon found on the field of battle was an Emperor-class Titan. It has also been noted that the Commissar has been fully trained as a Titan Princeps.. But considering he said he killed it with a spoon, it must be true. Nobody lies in the Imperium after all.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

AlmightyWalrus wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:This one time, he killed a Bloodthirster with a spoon.

The most amazing thing about that was that there was, and still is, no spoon.

Indeed. In fact, the only weapon found on the field of battle was an Emperor-class Titan. It has also been noted that the Commissar has been fully trained as a Titan Princeps.. But considering he said he killed it with a spoon, it must be true. Nobody lies in the Imperium after all.

Actually, there was this Commissar that did once...

He has a hormagaunt as a pet

He went on a 6 month vacation to Armageddon

Darkvoidof40k wrote:He won a staring contest against a Dreadnought.

He even won a staring contest against the Eye of Terror!

(I can't determine if this is pure genius or plain dumb...)

M'Kachen's Nemesis wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:He won a staring contest against a Dreadnought.

He even won a staring contest against the Eye of Terror!

In fact, that is how it got it's name! Before the contest, it was known as the Eye of Cuddly Bunnies, but it didn't take being beaten very well...

He once invented the CRASSUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT.

He "Three Stooges" Poked the Eye of Terror

Demons' brains hurt when they see his name written on walls.

Gulliman asked HIM for tactical advice.

He once threw a surprise party for Marbo... and Marbo was surprised.

He has tricked Tzeentch... twice.

He has given anger management classes to Khorne.

Eldrad Ulthran frequently consult him on the future.

He brews his coffee with Ork tears

He once beat the Changeling in a fancy dress contest.

He was dressed as the Changeling.

He guides Harlequin troupes through the webway.

His bolt pistol has experinced more combat than a vanguard vetran.

I dont always drink beer...but when i do i prefer dos eagles, stay thristy my friends

He has stopped an entire WAAAAAGH!! by beating the Ork Warboss and in an arm wrestling contest.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:He strapped explosives to a bag full of Kittens and took down a Titan with it.

You sir, are awesome! Have a medal.

He once roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris.

He carried out Exterminatus with nothing but his Bolt Pistol.

He carved his name into Draigo's heart when he won a bet
He did the "got your nose!" trick to a fresh two eyed Carnifex once, and well, you know how that turned out,
He once simply walked into Mordor, but how he jumped accross the tables is beyond me

loner wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:He strapped explosives to a bag full of Kittens and took down a Titan with it.

You sir, are awesome! Have a medal.

He once roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris.

Why thank you good sir, although you beat me to the Chuck Norris one, I was planning on posting it just now.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

loner wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:He strapped explosives to a bag full of Kittens and took down a Titan with it.

You sir, are awesome! Have a medal.

He once roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris.

Why thank you good sir, although you beat me to the Chuck Norris one, I was planning on posting it just now.

Yet yours remains unbeaten...

He once whispered perverted things to Slaanesh, so dirty that even he/she/it was disgusted by it.

He once defeated a Chaos horde of Nurgle Daemons with a bar of soap.

He deceived the Deceiver in a game of Three Card Monty

He was actually one of the lost Primarchs, and his sister Chuck Norris was the other one.

He hit a warboss so hard that 10 billion Orks across the galaxy wet themselves and ran as far as they could go.

His teeth can change colour according to his mood.

Dark Eldar cringe at all the pain and suffering he has caused.

The Black Library is his porn stash

The Ultramarines all want to be like him

He sneezed and it gave Nurgle a cold

He went into the Eye of Terror, found Leman Russ, dragged him back to Fenris and then beat him in a drinking game atop the Great Hall in front of the entire Space Wolves chapter, making each Astartes weep so dearly that they devolved into Space Puppies.

He puts mycetic spores on his Emperor O's in the morning.

He once turned the sauna up so hot that an Eldar Avatar had to get out.

When asked about his visit to Krieg, he described the planet as "quaint" and "a nice place to retire".

He beat a Hive Fleet in an eating contest.

All your base are belong to him.

He beat Eldrad in a game of Guess Who.

He once beat a Dark Eldar Mandrake in a game of hide and seek.

Has a suite at the top of the Sororitas Bascilica.

He drives his sword closer so he can hit them with his tank.

He endured a Guardsmen telling him the joke of the 'White and Black spacemarine on a white and black bike' and didn't execute the guardsmen till AFTER the punchline.

He has the golden seal (like the one on the emperor's throne) over his d***

His bolt pistol fires pure, concentrated f*ck you.

Daemonettes, SOBs, Wyches, Banshees all fight for his attention

He drove his CRASSUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT so fast even doomrider got motion sickness.

He no-scoped a vindicare assassin.

He once chewed his way out of a barbed strangler while simultaniously strangling a venomthrope with one hand and duelling Lucius the eternal and the swarmlord with an argos pen. (which was out of ink).

He gave birth to the Emperor

He tricked Tzeentch

He said Dreadnaught armor was for pansies

He killed an immortal...That says it all

His Waaagh! is bigger than Ghazghkull's.

He out fought Gork. And then thought Mork

He's the reason the Necrons went to sleep.

He owns two Hatori Honzo swords

He once told a Space Marine to shove a bucket up it.

And the Marine did it.

He has been known beat Ogryns in arm wrestles...and he's an amputee

He has broken the land speed (on foot) world record...for every imperial world. Individually.

He is the only man to have stepped foot on every Imperial planet.

He once made a tiger bleed Charlie Sheen blood. They've been extinct for 35,000 years.

He once worked in a mine. As a lumberjack.

Keeping the tradition of naming the most powerful of every type of warmachine Emperor-class, he is considered Emperor-class Commissar.

He once changed the battery on a candle because it was too dim. It worked.

He once executed a bolter with a Guardsman. That don't even make sense!

He used to be a space-marine. It was too easy so he decided to switch back.

He has personally stopped every crusade except for the first and fifth. The first one costed a primarch (dorn) and the fifth he was busy visiting every planet so two space marine chapters were destroyed trying to replace him.

He once performed a battlefield execution on an imperator titan. With a laspistol.

When Abaddon's 13th BC failed, he pooped up and yelled at Abaddon "You Dun goofed!"

He was once a dreadnought but stepped out of it to stretch his legs. While he was doing so Bjorn stole his dread. To this day the space wolves remember him destroying their 13th company as payback.

He once met the Grim Reaper. After begging for his life, the commissar let Death live.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
The Golden Throne was originally built for him but he lent it to the Emperor on the condition "he brings it back by eight".
He still waits patiently.

He once betrayed Kharn the Betrayer.

He killed a brotherhood of Grey Knights with a box of tissues and a pepper-shaker, coating himself in their blood to increase his PURITY.

He started a thread about how awesome this Commissar was.




Automatically Appended Next Post:

im2randomghgh wrote:
Keeping the tradition of naming the most powerful of every type of warmachine Emperor-class, he is considered Emperor-class Commissar.

This.

He once took off his power fist in a fight with a Defiler, because he could do more damage "bare-knuckled".

He doesn't always drink beer....but when he does he drinks "Dos Aquilas"....

His shaving instructions for the "Smoothest Shave in the Galaxy":

1. Apply Carnifex Drool
2. Use Chainsword... Forcefully.
3. Rinse with Eldar Tears.
4. Kill someone.

He once drank an Ork under the table in a fungus-beer drinking contest. He pissed green for a week, and peed on the Guardsmen saying it was a lucky charm.

DeadlyFungi wrote:He doesn't always drink beer....but when he does he drinks "Dos Aquilas"....

Bwahahah. win.

The imperium has stopped sacrificing 1000 psykers to Big E and decided that they should be sacrificed to him instead. After he wasn't satisfied they had to start gathering 100000 psykers a day

Dark Apostle 666 wrote:...He no-scoped a vindicare assassin...

from 5 systems away.

He beat a Fire Warrior in a marksmanship contest. Blindfolded. Facing the opposite direction.

He knows what Tzeentch really looks like. And he's not impressed.

When he travels through the warp, he uses a Geller field for the daemon's safety.

He once beat Marneus Calgar in an arm-wrestling match. With his pinky.

He told an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus to go make him a sandwich. He has since received a Sandwich every hour on the hour, regardless of his location.

When he rolls a 1, it counts as a six

He beat Creed in a Chess match

He can move and still fire an assault weapon

SpessMehrenD3R9 wrote:He can move and still fire an assault weapon

So can anyone.


mentleGen, it seems we have created a new Dakka meme. Huzzah!

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

SpessMehrenD3R9 wrote:He can move and still fire an assault weapon

So can anyone.


mentleGen, it seems we have created a new Dakka meme. Huzzah!

Feth, I meant heavy weapon. It's been a long day lol, I can't keep my terms straight

Tzeentch's great plan revolved around never meeting him. And it failed.

He can stare DarkVoid right in the eye for 10 hours straight without putting a gun to his head.

He read Starship Troopers and said the political messages weren't extreme enough.

He uses Gasghkull Thraka as his local butcher.

TrollPie wrote:He can star DarkVoid right in the eye for 10 hours straight without putting a gun to his head.

No more than ten though.

Edit...

SpessMehrenD3R9 wrote:
He told an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus to go make him a sandwich. He has since received a Sandwich every hour on the hour, regardless of his location.

Nice.

He uses a dreadnought as a pet dog.
He was the one who invented warp travel while drinking bear from a baby's skull.
He is so angry even the eye of terror is afraid.
He smashed a Power fist with his own fists.
He uses a thunder hammer as his tooth pick.
He is the one who controls the hive mind.
He out ran an warp travelling ship using his nose.
He heavy black holes get sucked into him.
He is so wise, the lord of terra listen to him when he talks from a whole galaxy away, with out any hearing aid/assistance.

When skulling a Jagger-bomb, he has the Red Bull as the shot and the Jagger as the glassful.

Emperors Faithful wrote:When skulling a Jagger-bomb, he has the Red Bull as the shot and the Jagger as the glassful.

Spoiler:

Jagger tastes like cat's vomit, fyi.

Jaeger...
Jaeger is that bad though...

I will spell the damn drink 'Yagger' if I bloody well feel the need.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

he was called, "The Force."

He keeps a Norn Queen as a booty call.

He beat Creed, Tzeentch and Chuck Norris in one chess match. And he wasn't even playing.

Commissar Fuklaw doesn't execute him because he knows it would be HERESY!!!

His breakfast cereal is made of powdered angry marines and for milk he uses Khorne's tears.

He executes so many people, his bolt pistol had to be replaced with an assault cannon.

Matt Ward hired him when he needed someone to butcher fluff.

He's so extreme, Fred Phelps is scared of his beliefs.

God once got into a shouting match with him.

The Cacodominus's psychic scream was actually him asking where the f***ing Red Bull was.

He once fought his way out of a black hole.

He knows where to buy space corridors and industrial towers.

He goes to Krieg when he needs some fresh air.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
He taught Tom Cruise how to fly.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
He's a pretty cool guy, He kills aleins and doesn't afraid of anything.

His tank didn't need any fuel... Just high-octane hate...

Lord Harrab wrote:He knows where to buy space corridors and industrial towers.

I see what you did thar.


edit:

He also likes to park his CRASSUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT in said Industrial Towers and sometimes drive it down the space corridors.

He makes Plaguebearers sneeze

He's so good at shadow puppets Pink Horrors ask how he does it

Angry Marines are happy to see him

He once played a game of pictionary. 17 guardsmen went blind.

He created the warp just so he had something to do in his spare time.

he once gav a khorne beserker such an angry glare that it ran home screaming.

ineptus astartes wrote: it ran home screaming.

They do that everyday.

ineptus astartes wrote:he once gav a khorne beserker such an angry glare that it ran home screaming.

He once wrote a story so awesome, that an entire Catachan regiment wanted to read it.

He was once sucked into the warp, then spat out and told to never come again.

He once swam through the warp unprotected.
Now the gods are all pregnant.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:He won a staring contest against a Dreadnought.

He used to snipe heretics on another planet with his bolt pistol.

He converted a Tau Ethereal to the ways of the Imperium, and then executed him for being a Xeno.

His guitar solo made every Noise Marine's head blow up.

He eats Earthshaker shells for breakfast. Without any milk.

He convinced an Ork to give up fighting.

He beat a Necron in a breath holding contest.

He Decieved the Deciever.

Mars is actually a giant cage where he keeps his pet Void Dragon.

He managed to touch MC Hammer.

His milkshake brings all the Sisters to the yard.

Whenever he needs a haircut he just headbutts a Swarmlord.

Dreadnoughts are only called Dreadnoughts because nobody lives long enough to find out his name so that they can dread him.

He bro-fisted Calgar and broke the Gauntlets of Ultramar. Bare-fisted. Twice.

His favourite party game is 'Pin the tail on the Void Whale', using an actual Void Whale.

He's executed so many Guardsmen that they changed their motto. It is now "Only in duty does death end".

He once wondered what fleeing would feel like. He then proceeded to execute himself for cowardice. Twice.

When kittens see him, they say "Awwww"

He's a lover not a hater. But he sometimes hates too so don't start yelling bs.

Khorne has been collecting skulls to make him a nice necklace.

He once won an apoc game with a 400 pt army. Without casualties.

He once painted a picture of a canvas on a mountain.

He's so accurate with a bolt pistol he can hit targets outside of it's range and out a line of sight. Between the eyes.

He takes weekly lessons with the CG on how to be evil. I wonder how much he charges them.

His glares use a LBT.

His quarters have the skulls of a million enemies. He lives out of a chimera.

He once had a gun that fired a Bang! sign (think: Looney Toons). The many Guardsmen he fired it at soon learned that sign can be very, very sharp.

He once sanctioned a psyker himself. The man wasn't even psychic, but by the end could match an Alpha+.

Unlike most commissars, he doesn't wear a greatcoat. He wears a poncho. It is still called a greatcoat, however, because it was good enough for him to wear.

I don't always drink booze, but when I do, fermented hormagaunt blood.

He was once a part of Sabaton /conversation

Dark Apostle 666 wrote:He once swam through the warp unprotected.
Now the gods are all pregnant.

Aw hell no, he went there. Never go.. there.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

im2randomghgh wrote:He was once a part of Sabaton /conversation

I approve.

He had to fight Angron in hand-to-hand, and removed his power fist as to 'Give the little guy a chance.'

He sometimes visits Medrengard for a holiday, because "it's a nice, serene and most definitely pleasant place for some RnR."

He once gave birth to two very ugly girls using only the sheer power of his mind. Their names were Creed and Draigo.

I also hear that he once single-handedly reconquered a world controlled by the Tau using only a medium-sized Cactus.

He brushes his teeth with a Chainsword.

He owns a pet Carnifex named Rex.

He was once angered so greatly that he swore so profusely that he made Ghazghkull blush.

He once force-fed Abaddon his own foot. Whilst it was still attached. Whilst Abaddon was still wearing Terminator armor. Whilst instructing a culinary lesson.

He once scared Kharn into wearing a tutu.

He once survived for three months in a warzone filled with Orks by eating nothing but live squigs and drinking only stale Ork milk.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

He once gave birth to two very ugly girls using only the sheer power of his mind. Their names were Creed and Draigo.

I love you so much right now *tears of joy and laughter* *BLAM*

TEARS ARE HERESY

-TMICITW

im2randomghgh wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

He once gave birth to two very ugly girls using only the sheer power of his mind. Their names were Creed and Draigo.

I love you so much right now *tears of joy and laughter* *BLAM*

TEARS ARE HERESY

-TMICITW

I'm flattered, but did the Ork milk and tutu shenanigans do nothing to appeal to your sense of humour? /is disappoint.

His rage makes Skarbrand apologize.

He walked through Tzeentch's labyrinth with his eyes closed.

He made up medicine against the whole essence of Nurgle combined.

He turned Zogwort into a Squig. No, wait... he turned him into a Squiggoth.

He once rolled a 1 just to see what it would feel like.

He buys condoms in ten thousand-unit lots, and has a new lot delivered weekly.

His flashlights kill like lasguns, his lasguns kill like bolters, his bolters kill like Deathstrike Missiles, and his Deathstrike Missiles will kill every model on every table in the store.

He's been errata'd by Privateer Press, Corvus Belli, Spartan Games, and Wyrd Miniatures, because he's brokenly overpowered in games he doesn't have rules for.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

im2randomghgh wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

He once gave birth to two very ugly girls using only the sheer power of his mind. Their names were Creed and Draigo.

I love you so much right now *tears of joy and laughter* *BLAM*

TEARS ARE HERESY

-TMICITW

I'm flattered, but did the Ork milk and tutu shenanigans do nothing to appeal to your sense of humour? /is disappoint.

Those were awesome, but the other one mentioned CREEED! and so was better by default. It was so good that you having said that makes me want to buy a kitten, name it "captain majestic", and teach it to move it's head back and forth forever like your avatar.

*BLAM*

KITTENS ARE HERESY

-TMICITW

Slaanesh calls HIm for a good time

themocaw wrote:He once rolled a 1 just to see what it would feel like.

The wound that would have been applied instead of damaging him instead raised his wounds by 1 thus being 1+infinity

themocaw wrote:
He's been errata'd by Privateer Press, Corvus Belli, Spartan Games, and Wyrd Miniatures, because he's brokenly overpowered in games he doesn't have rules for.

*Like button.*



And ork milk.

dice that roll 6 to hit him must make a 7+ save to prevent their own demise.

He once rolled a 1, and still made his save.

His stat line was once mistaken as being all 8's, before the reader realized he was holding it sideways=all infinity.

I know it wasn't a funny one ^, but I needed to relate a fact.

When Sororitas see him, they squeal like Twilight fangirls who just saw Edward Cullen.

He once comforted Grandfather Nurgle with a bear hug, then told him he smelled like roses.

He has saved Terra more times than Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter, Teal'c, and Daniel Jackson combined.

The Emperor stole credit for his kill of the traitor Horus.

Mat Ward once tried to write a story where the Ultramarines saved him from perilous peril, but when the story went to print, it had changed so that he saved Macragge from the Tyranid menace.

The Emperor stays frozen in stasis because he is too scared to face him.

His teeth are priceless in ork kulture.

The Foot wrote:

The Ultramarines all want to be like him

And the thread is down! It is oooooover!!!!!

Most Commisars like to ride a tank into Battle. He rides a Titan.

Originally, the Chaos Gods wanted to corrupt him, but when he got slashed by the cursed sword, the sword broke, so they went for Horus instead.

He Ambushed the Ambush at Istavaan IV.

When Tanith was lost, he went back to Tanith and took it back. His bolt pistol was so pwerful, however, it accidently blew up the entire planet.

He only has one attack in close combat. Its all he needs.

He can tell Alpharius and Omegron apart.

He once decided to have an orgy with some Eldar. There was an explosion, lots of Eldar died, Slaanesh was born. He promised not to do that again.

The Inquisition fears him.

He was once the only model on the Imperial side of a 100,000 point Imperium vs Xenos Apocalypse mega-battle.

The Imperium won.

There were even five tables in the overall battle, and the Commissar won one game per turn, casually propelling himself with sheer awesomeness over to the next table, and repeating the slaughter he enacted on the previous one.

He filed a lawsuit against Clark Kent for stealing his name.

Most Commissars carry a sword. he carries a pillow. In his hands, it counts as a Str11 power weapon That wounds on a Number.

Titans were originally created so he'd have someone to spar with. They weren't strong enough. So they made the Primarchs. Still didn't work.

He once lost a battle, just to see what it would feel like.

He beat DarkVoid's kitten in a staring contest.

He had the whites of his eyes removed because white is the colour of surrender.

They once implanted a space marine with HIS organs. And so the Emperor was born.

He knows the Emperor's real name. It is written on the inside of his beard, but no one who touched his beard lives so it doesn't matter.

That wounds on a Number.

WIN!

im2randomghgh wrote:He beat DarkVoid's kitten in a staring contest.

Bah, that's just what he says. Believe nothing, he's a heretic, a thrice-damned Heretic I say! Planning my downfall he is, I'm sure of it, yes, most definitely.. ehehehehe! *giggles madly before falling into a spasm-ridden fit, eventually carried off by strange men in white uniforms*

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

im2randomghgh wrote:He beat DarkVoid's kitten in a staring contest.

Bah, that's just what he says. Believe nothing, he's a heretic, a thrice-damned Heretic I say! Planning my downfall he is, I'm sure of it, yes, most definitely.. ehehehehe! *giggles madly before falling into a spasm-ridden fit, eventually carried off by strange men in white uniforms*

The most interesting Commissar was both of the men who carried DarkVoid away.

Dark Eldar fear him for the pain he causes in others.

He frequently visits the Black Library for a little light reading.
He has a void whale skull mounted in his trophy room... along with the harpoon that he used to kill it.
His random musings on policy are considered required reading by the High Lords of Terra.
He calls the Crone Worlds one of his favorite vacation destinations.

He... is the Most Interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.

"I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I drink Dos Aquilas."



(with nod to DeadlyFungus)

He once visited Commoragh. Afterwards, it was no longer known for its pleasant celebrations of life and hospitality.

Quality read, lots of laughs.

He once won an eating contest ... against the entire Tyranid race.

He owns the bolt shell with his name on it.

Won an arm wrestle bet against Marneus Clagar, forcing him to change his name to Gaius Maximus.

He wields three Power Fists.

Instead of a Drop Pod, he uses a Deathstrike Missile.

He has a two plus, plus, plus, plus save.

Tyranids name their Hive Fleets after him.

He is...the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Aquilas. Stay pure, maggots."

He went to church once. Thus was the Ecclesiarchy founded.

Swiftblade wrote:
He only has one attack in close combat. Its all he needs.


He once decided to have an orgy with some Eldar. There was an explosion, lots of Eldar died, Slaanesh was born. He promised not to do that again.

He lives in a flying space mansion with a hundred-and-fifty-six smokin' hot pole-dancers. His husband Jim the Primaris Psyker also lives there. He really is the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.

He wields three Power Fists.

I don't wanna know where the third is!

Saintspirit wrote:

He wields three Power Fists.

I don't wanna know where the third is!

I assume you don't want to know about his third leg then. Or his fourth.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

Saintspirit wrote:

He wields three Power Fists.

I don't wanna know where the third is!

I assume you don't want to know about his third leg then. Or his fourth.

Ah, there it is. Must be hard to walk like that...

Saintspirit wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

Saintspirit wrote:

He wields three Power Fists.

I don't wanna know where the third is!

I assume you don't want to know about his third leg then. Or his fourth.

Ah, there it is. Must be hard to walk like that...

He doesn't walk. He levitates via his own awesomeness.

Darkvoidof40k wrote:He lives in a flying space mansion with a hundred-and-fifty-six smokin' hot pole-dancers. His husband Jim the Primaris Psyker also lives there. He really is the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.

Basically Hugh Hefner married to a psyker...ya...

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

Saintspirit wrote:

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

Saintspirit wrote:

He wields three Power Fists.

I don't wanna know where the third is!

I assume you don't want to know about his third leg then. Or his fourth.

Ah, there it is. Must be hard to walk like that...

He doesn't walk. He levitates via his own awesomeness.

I'd say he is awesome enough to have two power feet and two power fists. One power foot just looks awkward.

He killed Lady GaGa, and thereby saving the world.

thenoobbomb wrote:He killed Lady GaGa, and thereby saving the world.

Also. he CAN read her poker face.

His Bolt Pistol can shoot the enemy from across the board, when he is across the room from him.

Space Wolves ride wolves into battle. He Rides a Space Wolf.

He beat Doom Rider in a race. He was crawling. He lapped him three times.

His Hat inspires more loyalty than the emperor himself.

thenoobbomb wrote:He killed Lady GaGa, and thereby saving the world.

Shortly followed by his execution of the supreme heretics Rebecca Black, Justin Bieber and Ronan Parke.

He uses the Astronomican to light his cigar.

He is such a gentleman, when he gets tank shocked he offers to reroll his leadership.

He is also such a beast in close combat, should he leave the board he will destroy enemy units still in reserve.

He is, the most interesting commissar in the world.

He is the shadow in the shadow in the Warp.

Draigo is hiding from him.

He carries a flyswatter to combat the Destroyer Plague.

He carved his name onto his own heart.

He borrows the Fortress of Arrogance for Sunday golf, so he doesn't have to walk from hole to hole.

I praise myself that I don't know the last one...
And he didn't shoot them, the EXTERMINATUS'd them.

When his name is spoken, heretics and cowards execute themselves out of fear.

Creed can hide a Baneblade Tank behind a Tree, but he can hide inside Creed for the ultimate sneak attack!

He has more fans than boba fett.

He singehandley destroyed the entire universe and rebuilt it.

He once drank an entire vial of truth telling serum and only told only lies.

He once beat up Marenus Calgar for misbehavior.

He has ripped the eye sockets of himself and replaced them with laser eyes.

He has made slaanesh jealous of his achievements in the bedroom.

He has made a keeper of secrets shy of its body.

If he summarilly executed you, you would have to struggle not to thank him.

He is responsible for the two Lost Legions.

He uses psychotroke grenades recreationally.

He was offered the position of Emperor, but turned it down to give humanity's enemies a fighting chance.

In a particularly turbulent Warp Storm, he was deposited in a strange universe far far away and a long time ago. Hearing about the heresey of the false Emperor and imposter empire, he did the only logical thing a Comisar would do:

He punched Darth Vader in the face and killed Darth Sidious, then launched Exterminatus on the Death Star. He was also home in time for lunch.

His boots are made from Harker (this ones guna go over non guard players heads)

he is the only psyker that can breed with a blank

Clumpski wrote:he is the only psyker that can bread with a blank

Blanks really mess with a psyker's ability to bake, huh?

Nerivant wrote:

Clumpski wrote:he is the only psyker that can bread with a blank

Blanks really mess with a psyker's ability to bake, huh?

god damnit -.- thats twice now!

When he asks the Eldar a question, they will give him three answers, all of which are true and all of which he already knew.

He knows Rihanna's name.
According to the song, even SHE doesn't know it.

He once had his appendex remove..three days later it broke out of the hospital and stared a promising career on armageddon .

He once knocked Leman Russ K.O. with one hit.

He once said hi to the big E

he drinks 6L necrotoxins for breakfast, he has a good DE supplier

He once met Bjorn the Fell-Handed, and received compliments on his firm handshake.

His fists were FAQed to give +3 attacks.

He once met Charlie Sheen, and shot him for being a tiger-blooded mutant.

Mat Ward called him over-the-top.

People once asked him how to correctly make the sign of the Aquilla. He showed them.

Grey Knights have Preferred Enemy against him, but he's not a Daemon.

Slaanesh wears a spirit stone to protect itself from him.

He once read the Terminus Decree, and thought that it was worse than Battle for the Abyss.

He once put on terminator armor, and then got into a rhino.

For his running checks, he rolls 2D6, takes the highest, and then moves 7 inches.

His model measures line of sight from your eye level.

enemy fire has to take a leadership test to see if it hits

He gave birth to the Emperor.

Hytanthas wrote:He gave birth to the Emperor.

Now that IS interesting!

He once fell alseep in a Dreadnought.

He once got possessed just to see how it felt.

Nurgle calls him dirty,Khorne thinks he needs anger management,He outwitted Tzeentch ∞ times,Slaneesh called local authori- I mean daemons on him for disturbing the peace.

The Sisters of Battle make Sandwiches for him daily

You can't field him for his power level is over 9000

He "BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED" Michael Kelso

The Horus Heresy was fought over who got to be his right hand man

He is the missing Primarch

He once and for all killed Lucius The Eternal

He shoved his foot up Red Forman's ass

He killed the director of That 80's Show

Guaiwu wrote:

Hytanthas wrote:He gave birth to the Emperor.

Now that IS interesting!

Yep, Jim impregnated him.

He knowns ALL the Sabaton lyrics, both the released and unreleased. In fact he wrothe them all

Trondheim wrote:He knowns ALL the Sabaton lyrics, both the released and unreleased. In fact he wrothe them all

He can speak braille - fluently.

He is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

He slept with your girlfriend, and you bragged about it.

And he did with yours

....and then I bragged about it

he loves going round to pappa nurgles for tea to try out his deliciously new recipes

He matt ward wont right about him.(he's scared).
he has his own codex written by him.
he drinks vodka and spits acid.
he thought that krieg is a nice world.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
starcraft tries to copy him.

samtheking wrote:He drinks acid and spits vodka.

Fixed.

He once fought alongside grey knights. They killed themselves afterward to keep him secret.

He wrote every book in Black Library.
He is the Hive Mind.
He gave Nurgle AIDS.

hes the only other human other than norma to understand the mathmatics behind frank herberts fold space drive :3 he is also Omnius and ermius, the evermind and the ever thinker

He passed Gandalf.

Doop Dude wrote:He passed Gandalf.

That sounds painful.

He has summarily executed the chaos gods three times. We are now on the fourth lot.

He once executed three baneblade tanks with a single laspistol shot.

He once performed exterminatus with his little toe.

He once slapped the emperor, and the echoes of the blow in warpspace ripped the primarchs out of existance in various ways. Horus lies!

He treats Khorne as his Blood Dog.

He laughed and a bloodletter pooped his pants.


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He dosent have a armor save(+1 invulnerable) he goes to kill heretics naked.

He keeps Slaanesh as a sex slave.

Don't have anything to say other than great thread guys, keep up the good work.

If you kill him in melee you must make a leadership test... for losing.

When he Deep Strikes, buildings three tables behind you collapse.

If you push him off the board your unit is destroyed.

He bitch slapped Gork and Mork. At the same time.
He once recieved a phone call involving car insurance. He waited until they had finished, then stormed the Aviva call centre in Dhaka and went wild with an assault cannon.
If only...

He once laid his great cloak over a river, and helped the entire Order of the Bloody Rose cross to engage the enemy. They blushed at his chivalry.

He coined the term "GrimDark"

he can instant death any eternal warrior

what ever he reads becomes reality

gork and mork are his pet hamsters

the only thing he is afraid of is his mother

he has no mother, he created him self

He caused a GW price DECREASE.

He once scored a penetrating hit on a Land Raider with a laspistol.

A child in a game store once dropped him. The child broke into nine pieces.

I once submitted his sprue to a Golden Demon contest. I went home with the gold, silver, and bronze medals, and all the honorable mentions.

He made Mr. T pity himself.

He rolls 2d6 to penetrate a Monolith.

he once had a bad curry, thus plasma containment was created

He can speak Low Gothic...

...In High Gothic.

He brought St. Celestine to bed. This caused the pregnancy of all of the Sisters of Battle.

Space Marines special characters ask his permission to use their chapter tactics.

Chuck Norris hides in a closet when they occupy the same universe.

MandalorynOranj wrote:He rolls 2d6 to penetrate a Monolith.

Not that he has to, of course.

He told slaneesh it was discusting and it cried/

He once flew through a Warp Storm... with the windows down.

He once went to a nice sunny planet, and stayed on the beach for his yearly holiday.

There were no survivors.

He converted the tau to the Greater Good.

He turned an entire hive fleet into vegetarians.

He convinced the eldrad that he [the commissar] was the more noble of the pair.

Adamantium is extracted from the air he breathes.
Promethium from every toilet he went to.
And Ceramite from his manly tears.

The psychic backlash of his sneeze created Slaanesh (and the excrement formed the Eye of Terror)

Conservationist wrote:And Ceramite from his manly tears.

That's why GK armour is so precious, he hardly ever cries!

he visited Tanith.. after it died

he dated Saint Sabbat

he taught Eisenhorn Philosophy

He told Gaunt to be more compassionate

He Had the Inquisition Investigate The Emperor

If he was the last human in the galaxy humanity would still have a chance.

He finds squirrels untrustworthy

If he says "It's not you its me," he'd be lying

He is the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Aquilas."

He doesn't always friendly-fire, but when he does, he prefers Guardsmen.

Goddard wrote:He doesn't always friendly-fire, but when he does, he prefers Guardsmen.

Good one i like that.

He kicked Draigo so hard he flew into the warp...
and Matt Ward refused to put him in the codex because he was "too over powered"

fox-light713 wrote:
He is the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Aquilas."

In fact, he's so interesting the above facts have been written and posted in this thread at least five times by now.

Darkvoidof40k wrote: He owns a pet Carnifex named Rex.

That My sir is Genius
He once outscouted the Tanith blindfolded.

He outshot a manta... with a laspistol
He uses a CRASSUS ARMORED ASSaULT TRANSPORT as a powerfist

He hypnotized Hypnotoad.

He's the real reason for the Black rage.

His black crusade would succeed.

He uses killa kans as toilets.

He outshouted Angron.

Soladrin wrote:He hypnotized Hypnotoad.

ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD

Dogface 76 wrote:

Soladrin wrote:He hypnotized Hypnotoad.

ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD

Heresy!

he's angier than an angry marine

winnertakesall wrote:

Dogface 76 wrote:

Soladrin wrote:He hypnotized Hypnotoad.

ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD

Heresy!

Agreed, the true internet deity is blatantly the hypno-kitty. All shall bow down before its hypnotic might.

Fairfeldia wrote:he's angier than an angry marine

Not possible!!!!!!

but this is the most interesting Commisar in the Galaxy, he beat the Hive leviathan in a eating contet!

He touched sasha. (yes thats because of your avatar Sam)

He can tell what swuk is talking about.

He spills more blood than an SoB during the "red rage".

He doesn't drink from a cup. He sucks Khorn's lakes of blood dry with a straw.

Mankind doesn't teeter on the edge of destruction. It teeters on the edge of his nipples.

He knows what NATO style is.

Soladrin wrote:He knows what NATO style is.

He discovered NATO style.

He knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout.

He got teleported onto Horus' flagship along with Sanguinius and big E. He then proceeded to eat Horus alive in one go, summary execute Sanguinius for not warning him that the spikey bits on Horus armour would get stuck in his teeth and then backhand pimp smacked the Emperor for not having executed Sanguinius himself.

Old One Eye lost his eye buy looking at him.

He regulary goes Carnifexhunting with a laspistol and a spork.

If you field him in a game and have not won in less then 30 seconds, then he executes you for incompetence and commands your army himself.

The missing Primarchs are not really missing. Their heads are hanging on the walls of his house as trophies.

He used his fight money to buy two of every animal in the galaxy, then he herded them onto a boat, then beat the gak out of every single one.

He once let another commissar shoot him in the face. Not for cowardice, he just wanted to see what all the whining was about. He still doesn't get it.

He is the primarch for both the second and the eleventh legion. They are missing since he executed them.

He doesn't need bolt ammo. He fires pure rage from his weapon, and the power of his hatred tears his foes into bite sized pieces.

So far, I haven't stopped laughing.

Clumpski wrote:hes the only other human other than norma to understand the mathmatics behind frank herberts fold space drive :3 he is also Omnius and ermius, the evermind and the ever thinker

He is the Golden Path.

The emperor has a tattoo of his name on his butt cheek.

He smacked lelith hesperax' bum and she liked it.

CountDeath wrote:He smacked lelith hesperax' bum and she liked it.

Then he executed her Xenos butt.

He gave the idea to start Dakka Dakka... 38,000 years before he was born.

Any twin linked weapon he uses fires from both barrels and he still gets to reroll

He got gork to change his name to mork and mork to change his name to Bob

He transported the CRASSUS ARMORED TRANSPORT

The Orks mistakened him for GORK and mork





Automatically Appended Next Post:
He was a commissar

He once teleported into solid rock. And liked the tickling sensation.

He instructed the Eldar in seeing the future.

he beat down CHUCK NORRIS

He makes troll science work.

He beats rock, paper, AND scissors.

He isn't even a commissar!

He catches Vindicare's hellfire rounds with his teeth, and sucks out the acid because it makes him feel pleasently tingly.

he once ran a marathone on fenris in the dead of winter to show his men the importance of being in shape

He uses the Emperor as his wingman when trolling for chicks.

He was there to grant the Emperor his Godhood.

His hair lice - Enslavers - wiped out the Old Ones.

atlas_garon wrote:he once ran a marathone on fenris in the dead of winter to show his men the importance of being in shape

Barefoot.

the nids wont eat him, because there frighting of catching his crabs, there killers ya know

He uses a heavy flamer, to shave

cordan123 wrote:He uses a heavy flamer, to shave

Real men use him to get shaved; they sit on a barber's chair, while he does the job with his chainsword.

The traitor primarchs refuse to leave their chaos worlds for fear of what he would do to them.

Magnus lost his second eye when he looked in on The commisar's bedroom

A power fist reduces his initiative to 10.

Tuagh wrote:A power fist reduces his initiative to 10.

What is it without a power fist?!

Answer: 11.

Everything he touches turns to guns.

Tadhghouze wrote:Everything he touches turns to guns.

Except guns, which turn to tanks

NOOOOO
TADGOuzE!

NYANCAT IS MYYY AVATAR!

perils of the warp psykers exicute themselves out of respect for him

He has manifested as great people from our past to lead the humanity. Some include Lincoln, Alexander, Norris, Emperor and currently Creed.

Every Great Extinction in the history of Mankind was because he conducted summary execution on those lifeforms.

He once swam to Mars.

One night he stayed at a Sisters convent, shortly after, the Black Templars were founded. Coincidence, I think not!

A thousand Emperors are sacrificed to him every day.

He carries a Nemesis Dreadknight in a pouch on his chest... and another in his athletic cup.

Konrad Curze once called his methods "unsound".

He once took a dump on an alien planet after eating too much guacamole. Ghazkghull Mag Uruk Thrakka sprang, full formed, from that dump.

hes the only man Karhn would never try to betray

stompydakka wrote:NOOOOO
TADGOuzE!

NYANCAT IS MYYY AVATAR!

yes but mine be moving

He once made out with a Tyranid Queen and later scavenged the fleet using only a laspistol and a melta bomb....s

He renamed Gork Mork and Mork Gork and Gazhgull to Jim

Small, Far Away wrote:He once swam to Mars.

One night he stayed at a Sisters convent, shortly after, the Black Templars were founded. Coincidence, I think not!

I like that one.

He once killed the Ginosagi; then sent him to attack a man named Jack.

He unleashed the Tyranids onto the Imperium so he could measure the rate at which fleasand lice spread before they can be stopped.

He made this a brilliant thread.

He can make a Sororitas nun pregnant just by looking at her and raising a single eyebrow


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His codpiece is made out of a retired mars class battleship.

He (secretly of course) is the real emperor, the guy on the throne is just the fall guy

He made Khorne cry.
He confused Tzeentch.
He abused Slaanesh.
He gave Nurgle a wash.

He pulled a Leman Russ to the enemy, so the tank could hit them with its cannon.

He can drink Fenris.

He can also speak Klingon, French, Eldar, Martian, Time Lord and Cockney.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
This is becoming the easiest and best game ever.

I love it...

He wears a black and white coat into battle, riding on his black and white bike...

MasticatorDeelux wrote:He wears a black and white coat into battle, riding on his black and white bike...

I have got to ask why?

Conservationist wrote:

MasticatorDeelux wrote:He wears a black and white coat into battle, riding on his black and white bike...

I have got to ask why?

He wants to propose to the Chapter Matsers daughter!
She'd say yes, of course. And so would the chapter master, even though he wasn't proposed to.

He is what happened to the space dwarfs.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Small, Far Away wrote:

He can also speak Klingon, French, Eldar, Martian, Time Lord and Cockney.

in Imperial Gothic of course.

He takes tanith sacra threw an IV and does not get drunk.

He once drank the entire Space Wolves legion including Leman Russ under the table and was still drinking when they finally came too again

Space marines listen to his podcasts.

Sasha (the gun) has a picture of him on the inside of her ammo barrel.

He keeps his Dos Aquillas in the secret box on Titan.

Automatically Appended Next Post:

Shadelkan wrote:Sasha (the gun) has a picture of him on the inside of her ammo barrel.

who tuched my gun!!!

He considers live orks a delicious delicacy.

He made Kharn cry...

He beat Khorne in a boxing match.

He once took St. Celestine for a nice seafood dinner, and never called her again.

He dated the sister of silence once... After that theywere no longer the sisters of silence, they where the moaning sisters

Trondheim wrote:He dated the sister of silence once... After that theywere no longer the sisters of silence, they where the moaning sisters

You, Sir......are AWESOME

He constructed his own psychic beacon out of an old garden ornament and a Dan Dare villan, and named it the Astro-Gnome-Mekon.

He kills a kitten everytime someone masturbates.

When you dream you are walking on a lonely beach, and see two sets of footprints, he is walking beside you. When you see only one set it's because he's just cut your f****g legs off.

He is the sole beneficiary in the Emperor's Will

He is just awesome.

He has done everything.

He needs no titles because he is THE title.

He is, the most -is executed by order of the Inquisition for the potential release of secret information retaining the Emperor, may he watch over us all.-

If you discover his name, you must be cast into the Eye of Terror, where he will be waiting...

HE is the reincarnation of chuck norris

He betrayed Kharn the Betrayer by taking Slanesh's virginity but was not impressed when she fainted afterwards...

He speaks Chaos on Terra.

He casts shadow of the warp wherever he goes, as the emperors light is too scared to go near.

He is too hard to eat Khorne Flakes. (His own brand is much harder.)

GW considered giving him his own codex, but it would be incredibly overpowered, so they didn't. He plans on getting his revenge on those responsible to this day.

Space Marine wrote:GW considered giving him his own codex, but it would be incredibly overpowered, so they didn't. He plans on getting his revenge on those responsible to this day.

He's so overpowered, Mat Ward said "Dang!"

Darkvoidof40k wrote:

Space Marine wrote:GW considered giving him his own codex, but it would be incredibly overpowered, so they didn't. He plans on getting his revenge on those responsible to this day.

He's so overpowered, Mat Ward said "Dang!"

The codex was going to be called Codex: Angry Marines, but that was an understatement.

His parents are named after him.

He has won staring contests with the Eye of Terror.

He regularly plays with Necrons - and wins.

He sells headache tablets to Slaanesh

He is the reason why the Warp stays out of the real world.

He framed the Eldar for creating Slannesh.

He's responsible for all of Straken's bionics.

He once killed an posessed Emperor-class Battleship. Naked. While banging a Canoness.

I was going to die laughing reading this thread if I was not immortal


The smell of his fart terrified Nurgle and made him run away in disgust!

...then he thought about helping Isha escape, but instead he brought the whole cage, thinking she'd serve well as a decoration in his living room.

His fists caused a run on the Ork currency. Twice.

He beat Tzeentch in a game of chess.

He taught an Ork to speak in Shakespearian English.

He's so overpowered even in Matt Ward thinks it's a bit much.

Matt Ward worships him for his overpowerdness

He had Slannesh in his phonebook listed under "Bootycall."

These are just amazing.

The Emperor rises from the Golden Throne to shake his hand.

He killed Chuck Norris.

He Planet killed the Planet Killer. By sneezing and pushing Alderaan into the ship. Abaddon sent him a bill for the damage, but he is so badass he won't pay it!!

He doesn't always walk across the Emporer's lap, but when he does, he makes sure to step on his genitals.

Slaanesh tells him "Not tonight, I have a headache". He doesn't care about that.