22942
Post by: Dogface 76
Here is a lighthearted thread in the vein of Dos Equis "The Most Interesting Man in the World TV/Radio spots"
Here are a few to start.
He once Sanctioned the Emperor himself
He once told Yarrik to work on his Poker Face
He has killed so many people Khorne worships him
He once had to hold Leman Russ's hair after besting him in a drinking contest
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
He shot a fellow commissar for Heresy.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
He has a Sister of Battle's phone number....and has called it
38150
Post by: Dark Apostle 666
^ And she called him back!
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
He once summarily executed himself just to be a martyr, and still single-handedly destroyed the enemy army afterwards. Dang, he's good.
29784
Post by: timetowaste85
He asked a Daemonette of Slaanesh to join him in the bedroom-and she ran away terrified at what he wanted to do.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
He won a staring contest against a Dreadnought.
31272
Post by: Battle Brother Lucifer
He executed Lord Solar Macharius for being a coward
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
He strapped explosives to a bag full of Kittens and took down a Titan with it.
27391
Post by: purplefood
He fought a squad of Striking Scorpions in a bar brawl single handed and won.
25208
Post by: AlmightyWalrus
He outflanked a Titan into Creed's bedroom.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
This one time, he killed a Bloodthirster with a spoon.
25208
Post by: AlmightyWalrus
Darkvoidof40k wrote:This one time, he killed a Bloodthirster with a spoon.
The most amazing thing about that was that there was, and still is, no spoon.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
AlmightyWalrus wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:This one time, he killed a Bloodthirster with a spoon.
The most amazing thing about that was that there was, and still is, no spoon.
Indeed. In fact, the only weapon found on the field of battle was an Emperor-class Titan. It has also been noted that the Commissar has been fully trained as a Titan Princeps.. But considering he said he killed it with a spoon, it must be true. Nobody lies in the Imperium after all.
25208
Post by: AlmightyWalrus
Darkvoidof40k wrote:AlmightyWalrus wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:This one time, he killed a Bloodthirster with a spoon.
The most amazing thing about that was that there was, and still is, no spoon.
Indeed. In fact, the only weapon found on the field of battle was an Emperor-class Titan. It has also been noted that the Commissar has been fully trained as a Titan Princeps.. But considering he said he killed it with a spoon, it must be true. Nobody lies in the Imperium after all.
Actually, there was this Commissar that did once...
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
He has a hormagaunt as a pet
He went on a 6 month vacation to Armageddon
32636
Post by: M'Kachen's Nemesis
Darkvoidof40k wrote:He won a staring contest against a Dreadnought.
He even won a staring contest against the Eye of Terror!
(I can't determine if this is pure genius or plain dumb...)
25208
Post by: AlmightyWalrus
M'Kachen's Nemesis wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:He won a staring contest against a Dreadnought.
He even won a staring contest against the Eye of Terror!
In fact, that is how it got it's name! Before the contest, it was known as the Eye of Cuddly Bunnies, but it didn't take being beaten very well...
32303
Post by: Snarky
He once invented the CRASSUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT.
22950
Post by: chaplainjoey
He "Three Stooges" Poked the Eye of Terror
Demons' brains hurt when they see his name written on walls.
Gulliman asked HIM for tactical advice.
26225
Post by: General Seric
He once threw a surprise party for Marbo... and Marbo was surprised.
He has tricked Tzeentch... twice.
He has given anger management classes to Khorne.
Eldrad Ulthran frequently consult him on the future.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
He brews his coffee with Ork tears
33586
Post by: Cerebrium
He once beat the Changeling in a fancy dress contest. He was dressed as the Changeling.
22950
Post by: chaplainjoey
He guides Harlequin troupes through the webway.
41330
Post by: porkchop806
His bolt pistol has experinced more combat than a vanguard vetran.
I dont always drink beer...but when i do i prefer dos eagles, stay thristy my friends
29610
Post by: fox-light713
He has stopped an entire WAAAAAGH!! by beating the Ork Warboss and in an arm wrestling contest.
28172
Post by: loner
Darkvoidof40k wrote:He strapped explosives to a bag full of Kittens and took down a Titan with it.
You sir, are awesome!  Have a medal.
He once roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris.
25208
Post by: AlmightyWalrus
He carried out Exterminatus with nothing but his Bolt Pistol.
23489
Post by: Klogger
He carved his name into Draigo's heart when he won a bet
He did the "got your nose!" trick to a fresh two eyed Carnifex once, and well, you know how that turned out,
He once simply walked into Mordor, but how he jumped accross the tables is beyond me
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
loner wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:He strapped explosives to a bag full of Kittens and took down a Titan with it.
You sir, are awesome!  Have a medal.
He once roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris.
Why thank you good sir, although you beat me to the Chuck Norris one, I was planning on posting it just now.
28172
Post by: loner
Darkvoidof40k wrote:loner wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:He strapped explosives to a bag full of Kittens and took down a Titan with it.
You sir, are awesome!  Have a medal.
He once roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris.
Why thank you good sir, although you beat me to the Chuck Norris one, I was planning on posting it just now. 
Yet yours remains unbeaten...
He once whispered perverted things to Slaanesh, so dirty that even he/she/it was disgusted by it.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
He once defeated a Chaos horde of Nurgle Daemons with a bar of soap.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
He deceived the Deceiver in a game of Three Card Monty
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
He was actually one of the lost Primarchs, and his sister Chuck Norris was the other one.
41773
Post by: Varrick
He hit a warboss so hard that 10 billion Orks across the galaxy wet themselves and ran as far as they could go.
27391
Post by: purplefood
His teeth can change colour according to his mood.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
Dark Eldar cringe at all the pain and suffering he has caused.
28742
Post by: The Foot
The Black Library is his porn stash
The Ultramarines all want to be like him
He sneezed and it gave Nurgle a cold
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
He went into the Eye of Terror, found Leman Russ, dragged him back to Fenris and then beat him in a drinking game atop the Great Hall in front of the entire Space Wolves chapter, making each Astartes weep so dearly that they devolved into Space Puppies.
22950
Post by: chaplainjoey
He puts mycetic spores on his Emperor O's in the morning.
He once turned the sauna up so hot that an Eldar Avatar had to get out.
When asked about his visit to Krieg, he described the planet as "quaint" and "a nice place to retire".
35785
Post by: Avatar 720
He beat a Hive Fleet in an eating contest.
All your base are belong to him.
He beat Eldrad in a game of Guess Who.
28172
Post by: loner
He once beat a Dark Eldar Mandrake in a game of hide and seek.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
Has a suite at the top of the Sororitas Bascilica.
27970
Post by: themocaw
He drives his sword closer so he can hit them with his tank.
32868
Post by: Chaos Lord Gir
He endured a Guardsmen telling him the joke of the 'White and Black spacemarine on a white and black bike' and didn't execute the guardsmen till AFTER the punchline.
42808
Post by: Marthike
He has the golden seal (like the one on the emperor's throne) over his d***
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
His bolt pistol fires pure, concentrated f*ck you.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
Daemonettes, SOBs, Wyches, Banshees all fight for his attention
38150
Post by: Dark Apostle 666
He drove his CRASSUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT so fast even doomrider got motion sickness.
He no-scoped a vindicare assassin.
He once chewed his way out of a barbed strangler while simultaniously strangling a venomthrope with one hand and duelling Lucius the eternal and the swarmlord with an argos pen. (which was out of ink).
29784
Post by: timetowaste85
He gave birth to the Emperor
He tricked Tzeentch
He said Dreadnaught armor was for pansies
42808
Post by: Marthike
He killed an immortal...That says it all
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
His Waaagh! is bigger than Ghazghkull's.
41330
Post by: porkchop806
He out fought Gork. And then thought Mork
26225
Post by: General Seric
He's the reason the Necrons went to sleep.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
He owns two Hatori Honzo swords
29408
Post by: Melissia
He once told a Space Marine to shove a bucket up it.
And the Marine did it.
40927
Post by: im2randomghgh
He has been known beat Ogryns in arm wrestles...and he's an amputee
He has broken the land speed (on foot) world record...for every imperial world. Individually.
He is the only man to have stepped foot on every Imperial planet.
He once made a tiger bleed Charlie Sheen blood. They've been extinct for 35,000 years.
He once worked in a mine. As a lumberjack.
Keeping the tradition of naming the most powerful of every type of warmachine Emperor-class, he is considered Emperor-class Commissar.
He once changed the battery on a candle because it was too dim. It worked.
He once executed a bolter with a Guardsman. That don't even make sense!
He used to be a space-marine. It was too easy so he decided to switch back.
He has personally stopped every crusade except for the first and fifth. The first one costed a primarch (dorn) and the fifth he was busy visiting every planet so two space marine chapters were destroyed trying to replace him.
He once performed a battlefield execution on an imperator titan. With a laspistol.
When Abaddon's 13th BC failed, he pooped up and yelled at Abaddon "You Dun goofed!"
He was once a dreadnought but stepped out of it to stretch his legs. While he was doing so Bjorn stole his dread. To this day the space wolves remember him destroying their 13th company as payback.
He once met the Grim Reaper. After begging for his life, the commissar let Death live. Automatically Appended Next Post: The Golden Throne was originally built for him but he lent it to the Emperor on the condition "he brings it back by eight".
He still waits patiently.
15667
Post by: Emperors Faithful
He once betrayed Kharn the Betrayer.
He killed a brotherhood of Grey Knights with a box of tissues and a pepper-shaker, coating himself in their blood to increase his PURITY.
He started a thread about how awesome this Commissar was.
Automatically Appended Next Post: im2randomghgh wrote:
Keeping the tradition of naming the most powerful of every type of warmachine Emperor-class, he is considered Emperor-class Commissar.
This.
22950
Post by: chaplainjoey
He once took off his power fist in a fight with a Defiler, because he could do more damage "bare-knuckled".
33259
Post by: DeadlyFungi
He doesn't always drink beer....but when he does he drinks "Dos Aquilas"....
22950
Post by: chaplainjoey
His shaving instructions for the "Smoothest Shave in the Galaxy":
1. Apply Carnifex Drool
2. Use Chainsword... Forcefully.
3. Rinse with Eldar Tears.
4. Kill someone.
29408
Post by: Melissia
He once drank an Ork under the table in a fungus-beer drinking contest. He pissed green for a week, and peed on the Guardsmen saying it was a lucky charm. DeadlyFungi wrote:He doesn't always drink beer....but when he does he drinks "Dos Aquilas"....
Bwahahah. win.
44292
Post by: Nicholas
The imperium has stopped sacrificing 1000 psykers to Big E and decided that they should be sacrificed to him instead. After he wasn't satisfied they had to start gathering 100000 psykers a day
36866
Post by: Big Mek Dattrukk
Dark Apostle 666 wrote:...He no-scoped a vindicare assassin...
from 5 systems away.
36822
Post by: SpessMehrenD3R9
He beat a Fire Warrior in a marksmanship contest. Blindfolded. Facing the opposite direction.
He knows what Tzeentch really looks like. And he's not impressed.
When he travels through the warp, he uses a Geller field for the daemon's safety.
He once beat Marneus Calgar in an arm-wrestling match. With his pinky.
He told an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus to go make him a sandwich. He has since received a Sandwich every hour on the hour, regardless of his location.
When he rolls a 1, it counts as a six
He beat Creed in a Chess match
He can move and still fire an assault weapon
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
SpessMehrenD3R9 wrote:He can move and still fire an assault weapon
So can anyone.
mentleGen, it seems we have created a new Dakka meme. Huzzah!
36822
Post by: SpessMehrenD3R9
Darkvoidof40k wrote:SpessMehrenD3R9 wrote:He can move and still fire an assault weapon
So can anyone.
mentleGen, it seems we have created a new Dakka meme. Huzzah!
Feth, I meant heavy weapon.  It's been a long day lol, I can't keep my terms straight
44688
Post by: TrollPie
Tzeentch's great plan revolved around never meeting him. And it failed.
He can stare DarkVoid right in the eye for 10 hours straight without putting a gun to his head.
He read Starship Troopers and said the political messages weren't extreme enough.
He uses Gasghkull Thraka as his local butcher.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
TrollPie wrote:He can star DarkVoid right in the eye for 10 hours straight without putting a gun to his head.
No more than ten though.
28172
Post by: loner
Edit...
15667
Post by: Emperors Faithful
SpessMehrenD3R9 wrote:
He told an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus to go make him a sandwich. He has since received a Sandwich every hour on the hour, regardless of his location.
Nice.
42808
Post by: Marthike
He uses a dreadnought as a pet dog.
He was the one who invented warp travel while drinking bear from a baby's skull.
He is so angry even the eye of terror is afraid.
He smashed a Power fist with his own fists.
He uses a thunder hammer as his tooth pick.
He is the one who controls the hive mind.
He out ran an warp travelling ship using his nose.
He heavy black holes get sucked into him.
He is so wise, the lord of terra listen to him when he talks from a whole galaxy away, with out any hearing aid/assistance.
15667
Post by: Emperors Faithful
When skulling a Jagger-bomb, he has the Red Bull as the shot and the Jagger as the glassful.
27391
Post by: purplefood
Emperors Faithful wrote:When skulling a Jagger-bomb, he has the Red Bull as the shot and the Jagger as the glassful.
Jaeger...
Jaeger is that bad though...
15667
Post by: Emperors Faithful
I will spell the damn drink 'Yagger' if I bloody well feel the need.
39339
Post by: ZeroSamurai
20913
Post by: Freman Bloodglaive
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...
he was called, "The Force."
He keeps a Norn Queen as a booty call.
44688
Post by: TrollPie
He beat Creed, Tzeentch and Chuck Norris in one chess match. And he wasn't even playing.
Commissar Fuklaw doesn't execute him because he knows it would be HERESY!!!
His breakfast cereal is made of powdered angry marines and for milk he uses Khorne's tears.
He executes so many people, his bolt pistol had to be replaced with an assault cannon.
Matt Ward hired him when he needed someone to butcher fluff.
He's so extreme, Fred Phelps is scared of his beliefs.
God once got into a shouting match with him.
The Cacodominus's psychic scream was actually him asking where the f***ing Red Bull was.
He once fought his way out of a black hole.
19965
Post by: Lord Harrab
He knows where to buy space corridors and industrial towers.
30356
Post by: Jaon
He goes to Krieg when he needs some fresh air. Automatically Appended Next Post: He taught Tom Cruise how to fly. Automatically Appended Next Post: He's a pretty cool guy, He kills aleins and doesn't afraid of anything.
28172
Post by: loner
His tank didn't need any fuel... Just high-octane hate...
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Lord Harrab wrote:He knows where to buy space corridors and industrial towers. I see what you did thar. edit: He also likes to park his CRASSUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT in said Industrial Towers and sometimes drive it down the space corridors.
32410
Post by: Azure
He makes Plaguebearers sneeze
He's so good at shadow puppets Pink Horrors ask how he does it
Angry Marines are happy to see him
44688
Post by: TrollPie
He once played a game of pictionary. 17 guardsmen went blind.
37870
Post by: ZeFelix42
He created the warp just so he had something to do in his spare time.
39033
Post by: ineptus astartes
he once gav a khorne beserker such an angry glare that it ran home screaming.
44688
Post by: TrollPie
ineptus astartes wrote: it ran home screaming.
They do that everyday.
28172
Post by: loner
ineptus astartes wrote:he once gav a khorne beserker such an angry glare that it ran home screaming.
He once wrote a story so awesome, that an entire Catachan regiment wanted to read it.
27750
Post by: cordan123
He was once sucked into the warp, then spat out and told to never come again.
38150
Post by: Dark Apostle 666
He once swam through the warp unprotected.
Now the gods are all pregnant.
42470
Post by: SickSix
Darkvoidof40k wrote:He won a staring contest against a Dreadnought.
28172
Post by: loner
He used to snipe heretics on another planet with his bolt pistol.
35785
Post by: Avatar 720
He converted a Tau Ethereal to the ways of the Imperium, and then executed him for being a Xeno.
His guitar solo made every Noise Marine's head blow up.
He eats Earthshaker shells for breakfast. Without any milk.
He convinced an Ork to give up fighting.
He beat a Necron in a breath holding contest.
He Decieved the Deciever.
Mars is actually a giant cage where he keeps his pet Void Dragon.
He managed to touch MC Hammer.
His milkshake brings all the Sisters to the yard.
Whenever he needs a haircut he just headbutts a Swarmlord.
Dreadnoughts are only called Dreadnoughts because nobody lives long enough to find out his name so that they can dread him.
He bro-fisted Calgar and broke the Gauntlets of Ultramar. Bare-fisted. Twice.
His favourite party game is 'Pin the tail on the Void Whale', using an actual Void Whale.
40927
Post by: im2randomghgh
He's executed so many Guardsmen that they changed their motto. It is now "Only in duty does death end".
He once wondered what fleeing would feel like. He then proceeded to execute himself for cowardice. Twice.
When kittens see him, they say "Awwww"
He's a lover not a hater. But he sometimes hates too so don't start yelling bs.
Khorne has been collecting skulls to make him a nice necklace.
He once won an apoc game with a 400 pt army. Without casualties.
He once painted a picture of a canvas on a mountain.
He's so accurate with a bolt pistol he can hit targets outside of it's range and out a line of sight. Between the eyes.
He takes weekly lessons with the CG on how to be evil. I wonder how much he charges them.
His glares use a LBT.
His quarters have the skulls of a million enemies. He lives out of a chimera.
He once had a gun that fired a Bang! sign (think: Looney Toons). The many Guardsmen he fired it at soon learned that sign can be very, very sharp.
He once sanctioned a psyker himself. The man wasn't even psychic, but by the end could match an Alpha+.
Unlike most commissars, he doesn't wear a greatcoat. He wears a poncho. It is still called a greatcoat, however, because it was good enough for him to wear.
I don't always drink booze, but when I do, fermented hormagaunt blood.
He was once a part of Sabaton /conversation
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Dark Apostle 666 wrote:He once swam through the warp unprotected.
Now the gods are all pregnant.
Aw hell no, he went there. Never go.. there. Automatically Appended Next Post: im2randomghgh wrote:He was once a part of Sabaton /conversation
I approve.
41573
Post by: Small, Far Away
He had to fight Angron in hand-to-hand, and removed his power fist as to 'Give the little guy a chance.'
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
He sometimes visits Medrengard for a holiday, because "it's a nice, serene and most definitely pleasant place for some RnR."
He once gave birth to two very ugly girls using only the sheer power of his mind. Their names were Creed and Draigo.
I also hear that he once single-handedly reconquered a world controlled by the Tau using only a medium-sized Cactus.
He brushes his teeth with a Chainsword.
He owns a pet Carnifex named Rex.
He was once angered so greatly that he swore so profusely that he made Ghazghkull blush.
He once force-fed Abaddon his own foot. Whilst it was still attached. Whilst Abaddon was still wearing Terminator armor. Whilst instructing a culinary lesson.
He once scared Kharn into wearing a tutu.
He once survived for three months in a warzone filled with Orks by eating nothing but live squigs and drinking only stale Ork milk.
40927
Post by: im2randomghgh
Darkvoidof40k wrote:
He once gave birth to two very ugly girls using only the sheer power of his mind. Their names were Creed and Draigo.
I love you so much right now *tears of joy and laughter* *BLAM*
TEARS ARE HERESY
-TMICITW
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
im2randomghgh wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:
He once gave birth to two very ugly girls using only the sheer power of his mind. Their names were Creed and Draigo.
I love you so much right now *tears of joy and laughter* *BLAM*
TEARS ARE HERESY
-TMICITW
I'm flattered, but did the Ork milk and tutu shenanigans do nothing to appeal to your sense of humour? /is disappoint.
22146
Post by: Saintspirit
His rage makes Skarbrand apologize.
He walked through Tzeentch's labyrinth with his eyes closed.
He made up medicine against the whole essence of Nurgle combined.
He turned Zogwort into a Squig. No, wait... he turned him into a Squiggoth.
27970
Post by: themocaw
He once rolled a 1 just to see what it would feel like.
He buys condoms in ten thousand-unit lots, and has a new lot delivered weekly.
His flashlights kill like lasguns, his lasguns kill like bolters, his bolters kill like Deathstrike Missiles, and his Deathstrike Missiles will kill every model on every table in the store.
He's been errata'd by Privateer Press, Corvus Belli, Spartan Games, and Wyrd Miniatures, because he's brokenly overpowered in games he doesn't have rules for.
40927
Post by: im2randomghgh
Darkvoidof40k wrote:im2randomghgh wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:
He once gave birth to two very ugly girls using only the sheer power of his mind. Their names were Creed and Draigo.
I love you so much right now *tears of joy and laughter* *BLAM*
TEARS ARE HERESY
-TMICITW
I'm flattered, but did the Ork milk and tutu shenanigans do nothing to appeal to your sense of humour? /is disappoint.
Those were awesome, but the other one mentioned CREEED! and so was better by default. It was so good that you having said that makes me want to buy a kitten, name it "captain majestic", and teach it to move it's head back and forth forever like your avatar.
*BLAM*
KITTENS ARE HERESY
-TMICITW
41330
Post by: porkchop806
Slaanesh calls HIm for a good time
44292
Post by: Nicholas
themocaw wrote:He once rolled a 1 just to see what it would feel like.
The wound that would have been applied instead of damaging him instead raised his wounds by 1 thus being 1+infinity
15667
Post by: Emperors Faithful
themocaw wrote:
He's been errata'd by Privateer Press, Corvus Belli, Spartan Games, and Wyrd Miniatures, because he's brokenly overpowered in games he doesn't have rules for.
*Like button.*
And ork milk.
36866
Post by: Big Mek Dattrukk
dice that roll 6 to hit him must make a 7+ save to prevent their own demise.
43170
Post by: Guaiwu
He once rolled a 1, and still made his save.
40927
Post by: im2randomghgh
His stat line was once mistaken as being all 8's, before the reader realized he was holding it sideways=all infinity.
I know it wasn't a funny one ^, but I needed to relate a fact.
43778
Post by: Pouncey
When Sororitas see him, they squeal like Twilight fangirls who just saw Edward Cullen.
He once comforted Grandfather Nurgle with a bear hug, then told him he smelled like roses.
He has saved Terra more times than Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter, Teal'c, and Daniel Jackson combined.
The Emperor stole credit for his kill of the traitor Horus.
Mat Ward once tried to write a story where the Ultramarines saved him from perilous peril, but when the story went to print, it had changed so that he saved Macragge from the Tyranid menace.
The Emperor stays frozen in stasis because he is too scared to face him.
40659
Post by: samtheking
His teeth are priceless in ork kulture.
2304
Post by: Steelmage99
The Foot wrote:
The Ultramarines all want to be like him
And the thread is down! It is oooooover!!!!!
39264
Post by: Swiftblade
Most Commisars like to ride a tank into Battle. He rides a Titan.
Originally, the Chaos Gods wanted to corrupt him, but when he got slashed by the cursed sword, the sword broke, so they went for Horus instead.
He Ambushed the Ambush at Istavaan IV.
When Tanith was lost, he went back to Tanith and took it back. His bolt pistol was so pwerful, however, it accidently blew up the entire planet.
He only has one attack in close combat. Its all he needs.
He can tell Alpharius and Omegron apart.
He once decided to have an orgy with some Eldar. There was an explosion, lots of Eldar died, Slaanesh was born. He promised not to do that again.
The Inquisition fears him.
27970
Post by: themocaw
He was once the only model on the Imperial side of a 100,000 point Imperium vs Xenos Apocalypse mega-battle.
The Imperium won.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
There were even five tables in the overall battle, and the Commissar won one game per turn, casually propelling himself with sheer awesomeness over to the next table, and repeating the slaughter he enacted on the previous one.
40927
Post by: im2randomghgh
He filed a lawsuit against Clark Kent for stealing his name.
Most Commissars carry a sword. he carries a pillow. In his hands, it counts as a Str11 power weapon That wounds on a Number.
Titans were originally created so he'd have someone to spar with. They weren't strong enough. So they made the Primarchs. Still didn't work.
He once lost a battle, just to see what it would feel like.
He beat DarkVoid's kitten in a staring contest.
He had the whites of his eyes removed because white is the colour of surrender.
They once implanted a space marine with HIS organs. And so the Emperor was born.
He knows the Emperor's real name. It is written on the inside of his beard, but no one who touched his beard lives so it doesn't matter.
22146
Post by: Saintspirit
That wounds on a Number.
WIN!
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
im2randomghgh wrote:He beat DarkVoid's kitten in a staring contest.
Bah, that's just what he says. Believe nothing, he's a heretic, a thrice-damned Heretic I say! Planning my downfall he is, I'm sure of it, yes, most definitely.. ehehehehe! *giggles madly before falling into a spasm-ridden fit, eventually carried off by strange men in white uniforms*
40927
Post by: im2randomghgh
Darkvoidof40k wrote:im2randomghgh wrote:He beat DarkVoid's kitten in a staring contest.
Bah, that's just what he says. Believe nothing, he's a heretic, a thrice-damned Heretic I say! Planning my downfall he is, I'm sure of it, yes, most definitely.. ehehehehe! *giggles madly before falling into a spasm-ridden fit, eventually carried off by strange men in white uniforms*
The most interesting Commissar was both of the men who carried DarkVoid away.
44471
Post by: Amontadillo
Dark Eldar fear him for the pain he causes in others.
34899
Post by: Eumerin
He frequently visits the Black Library for a little light reading.
He has a void whale skull mounted in his trophy room... along with the harpoon that he used to kill it.
His random musings on policy are considered required reading by the High Lords of Terra.
He calls the Crone Worlds one of his favorite vacation destinations.
He... is the Most Interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.
"I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I drink Dos Aquilas."
(with nod to DeadlyFungus)
43778
Post by: Pouncey
He once visited Commoragh. Afterwards, it was no longer known for its pleasant celebrations of life and hospitality.
40777
Post by: Movac
Quality read, lots of laughs.
43170
Post by: Guaiwu
He once won an eating contest ... against the entire Tyranid race.
10417
Post by: Doop Dude
He owns the bolt shell with his name on it.
Won an arm wrestle bet against Marneus Clagar, forcing him to change his name to Gaius Maximus.
33248
Post by: SkaerKrow
He wields three Power Fists.
Instead of a Drop Pod, he uses a Deathstrike Missile.
He has a two plus, plus, plus, plus save.
Tyranids name their Hive Fleets after him.
He is...the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Aquilas. Stay pure, maggots."
15667
Post by: Emperors Faithful
He went to church once. Thus was the Ecclesiarchy founded.
Swiftblade wrote:
He only has one attack in close combat. Its all he needs.
He once decided to have an orgy with some Eldar. There was an explosion, lots of Eldar died, Slaanesh was born. He promised not to do that again.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
He lives in a flying space mansion with a hundred-and-fifty-six smokin' hot pole-dancers. His husband Jim the Primaris Psyker also lives there. He really is the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.
22146
Post by: Saintspirit
He wields three Power Fists.
I don't wanna know where the third is!
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Saintspirit wrote:He wields three Power Fists.
I don't wanna know where the third is!
I assume you don't want to know about his third leg then. Or his fourth.
22146
Post by: Saintspirit
Darkvoidof40k wrote:Saintspirit wrote:He wields three Power Fists.
I don't wanna know where the third is!
I assume you don't want to know about his third leg then. Or his fourth. 
Ah, there it is. Must be hard to walk like that...
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Saintspirit wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:Saintspirit wrote:He wields three Power Fists.
I don't wanna know where the third is!
I assume you don't want to know about his third leg then. Or his fourth. 
Ah, there it is. Must be hard to walk like that...
He doesn't walk. He levitates via his own awesomeness.
40927
Post by: im2randomghgh
Darkvoidof40k wrote:He lives in a flying space mansion with a hundred-and-fifty-six smokin' hot pole-dancers. His husband Jim the Primaris Psyker also lives there. He really is the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.
Basically Hugh Hefner married to a psyker...ya...
22146
Post by: Saintspirit
Darkvoidof40k wrote:Saintspirit wrote:Darkvoidof40k wrote:Saintspirit wrote:He wields three Power Fists.
I don't wanna know where the third is!
I assume you don't want to know about his third leg then. Or his fourth. 
Ah, there it is. Must be hard to walk like that...
He doesn't walk. He levitates via his own awesomeness.
I'd say he is awesome enough to have two power feet and two power fists. One power foot just looks awkward.
40392
Post by: thenoobbomb
He killed Lady GaGa, and thereby saving the world.
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Post by: Lord Harrab
thenoobbomb wrote:He killed Lady GaGa, and thereby saving the world.
Also. he CAN read her poker face.
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Post by: Swiftblade
His Bolt Pistol can shoot the enemy from across the board, when he is across the room from him.
Space Wolves ride wolves into battle. He Rides a Space Wolf.
He beat Doom Rider in a race. He was crawling. He lapped him three times.
His Hat inspires more loyalty than the emperor himself.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
thenoobbomb wrote:He killed Lady GaGa, and thereby saving the world.
Shortly followed by his execution of the supreme heretics Rebecca Black, Justin Bieber and Ronan Parke.
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Post by: mrwhoop
He uses the Astronomican to light his cigar.
He is such a gentleman, when he gets tank shocked he offers to reroll his leadership.
He is also such a beast in close combat, should he leave the board he will destroy enemy units still in reserve.
He is, the most interesting commissar in the world.
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Post by: Nerivant
He is the shadow in the shadow in the Warp.
Draigo is hiding from him.
He carries a flyswatter to combat the Destroyer Plague.
He carved his name onto his own heart.
He borrows the Fortress of Arrogance for Sunday golf, so he doesn't have to walk from hole to hole.
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Post by: loner
I praise myself that I don't know the last one...
And he didn't shoot them, the EXTERMINATUS'd them.
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Post by: FeistierErmine
When his name is spoken, heretics and cowards execute themselves out of fear.
39264
Post by: Swiftblade
Creed can hide a Baneblade Tank behind a Tree, but he can hide inside Creed for the ultimate sneak attack!
17923
Post by: Asherian Command
He has more fans than boba fett.
He singehandley destroyed the entire universe and rebuilt it.
He once drank an entire vial of truth telling serum and only told only lies.
He once beat up Marenus Calgar for misbehavior.
He has ripped the eye sockets of himself and replaced them with laser eyes.
He has made slaanesh jealous of his achievements in the bedroom.
He has made a keeper of secrets shy of its body.
23071
Post by: MandalorynOranj
If he summarilly executed you, you would have to struggle not to thank him.
He is responsible for the two Lost Legions.
He uses psychotroke grenades recreationally.
He was offered the position of Emperor, but turned it down to give humanity's enemies a fighting chance.
39264
Post by: Swiftblade
In a particularly turbulent Warp Storm, he was deposited in a strange universe far far away and a long time ago. Hearing about the heresey of the false Emperor and imposter empire, he did the only logical thing a Comisar would do:
He punched Darth Vader in the face and killed Darth Sidious, then launched Exterminatus on the Death Star. He was also home in time for lunch.
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Post by: Ralin Givens
His boots are made from Harker (this ones guna go over non guard players heads)
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Post by: Clumpski
he is the only psyker that can breed with a blank
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Post by: Nerivant
Clumpski wrote:he is the only psyker that can bread with a blank
Blanks really mess with a psyker's ability to bake, huh?
37549
Post by: Clumpski
Nerivant wrote:Clumpski wrote:he is the only psyker that can bread with a blank
Blanks really mess with a psyker's ability to bake, huh?
god damnit -.- thats twice now!
23071
Post by: MandalorynOranj
When he asks the Eldar a question, they will give him three answers, all of which are true and all of which he already knew.
31375
Post by: stompydakka
He knows Rihanna's name.
According to the song, even SHE doesn't know it.
41330
Post by: porkchop806
He once had his appendex remove..three days later it broke out of the hospital and stared a promising career on armageddon .
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Post by: Amontadillo
He once knocked Leman Russ K.O. with one hit.
40392
Post by: thenoobbomb
He once said hi to the big E
37549
Post by: Clumpski
he drinks 6L necrotoxins for breakfast, he has a good DE supplier
45220
Post by: Mercadian Masque
He once met Bjorn the Fell-Handed, and received compliments on his firm handshake.
His fists were FAQed to give +3 attacks.
He once met Charlie Sheen, and shot him for being a tiger-blooded mutant.
Mat Ward called him over-the-top.
People once asked him how to correctly make the sign of the Aquilla. He showed them.
Grey Knights have Preferred Enemy against him, but he's not a Daemon.
Slaanesh wears a spirit stone to protect itself from him.
He once read the Terminus Decree, and thought that it was worse than Battle for the Abyss.
He once put on terminator armor, and then got into a rhino.
For his running checks, he rolls 2D6, takes the highest, and then moves 7 inches.
His model measures line of sight from your eye level.
41330
Post by: porkchop806
enemy fire has to take a leadership test to see if it hits
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Post by: Hytanthas
He gave birth to the Emperor.
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Post by: Guaiwu
Hytanthas wrote:He gave birth to the Emperor.
Now that IS interesting!
44041
Post by: Vires`
He once fell alseep in a Dreadnought.
He once got possessed just to see how it felt.
Nurgle calls him dirty,Khorne thinks he needs anger management,He outwitted Tzeentch ∞ times,Slaneesh called local authori- I mean daemons on him for disturbing the peace.
The Sisters of Battle make Sandwiches for him daily
You can't field him for his power level is over 9000
He "BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED" Michael Kelso
The Horus Heresy was fought over who got to be his right hand man
He is the missing Primarch
He once and for all killed Lucius The Eternal
He shoved his foot up Red Forman's ass
He killed the director of That 80's Show
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Guaiwu wrote:Hytanthas wrote:He gave birth to the Emperor.
Now that IS interesting!
Yep, Jim impregnated him.
44702
Post by: Trondheim
He knowns ALL the Sabaton lyrics, both the released and unreleased. In fact he wrothe them all
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Trondheim wrote:He knowns ALL the Sabaton lyrics, both the released and unreleased. In fact he wrothe them all
10417
Post by: Doop Dude
He can speak braille - fluently.
He is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
He slept with your girlfriend, and you bragged about it.
40392
Post by: thenoobbomb
And he did with yours
10417
Post by: Doop Dude
....and then I bragged about it
37549
Post by: Clumpski
he loves going round to pappa nurgles for tea to try out his deliciously new recipes
40659
Post by: samtheking
He matt ward wont right about him.(he's scared).
he has his own codex written by him.
he drinks vodka and spits acid.
he thought that krieg is a nice world. Automatically Appended Next Post: starcraft tries to copy him.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
samtheking wrote:He drinks acid and spits vodka.
Fixed.
27987
Post by: Surtur
He once fought alongside grey knights. They killed themselves afterward to keep him secret.
45171
Post by: Srhike
He wrote every book in Black Library.
He is the Hive Mind.
He gave Nurgle AIDS.
37549
Post by: Clumpski
hes the only other human other than norma to understand the mathmatics behind frank herberts fold space drive :3 he is also Omnius and ermius, the evermind and the ever thinker
10417
Post by: Doop Dude
He passed Gandalf.
19965
Post by: Lord Harrab
Doop Dude wrote:He passed Gandalf.
That sounds painful.
45263
Post by: Aerys Darkthorne
He has summarily executed the chaos gods three times. We are now on the fourth lot.
He once executed three baneblade tanks with a single laspistol shot.
He once performed exterminatus with his little toe.
He once slapped the emperor, and the echoes of the blow in warpspace ripped the primarchs out of existance in various ways. Horus lies!
37068
Post by: Conservationist
He treats Khorne as his Blood Dog.
40659
Post by: samtheking
He laughed and a bloodletter pooped his pants. Automatically Appended Next Post: He dosent have a armor save(+1 invulnerable) he goes to kill heretics naked.
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Post by: winnertakesall
He keeps Slaanesh as a sex slave.
28228
Post by: Cheesecat
Don't have anything to say other than great thread guys, keep up the good work.
43914
Post by: Haeslich
If you kill him in melee you must make a leadership test... for losing.
When he Deep Strikes, buildings three tables behind you collapse.
40659
Post by: samtheking
If you push him off the board your unit is destroyed.
44688
Post by: TrollPie
He bitch slapped Gork and Mork. At the same time.
He once recieved a phone call involving car insurance. He waited until they had finished, then stormed the Aviva call centre in Dhaka and went wild with an assault cannon.
If only...
22950
Post by: chaplainjoey
He once laid his great cloak over a river, and helped the entire Order of the Bloody Rose cross to engage the enemy. They blushed at his chivalry.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
He coined the term "GrimDark"
37549
Post by: Clumpski
he can instant death any eternal warrior
what ever he reads becomes reality
gork and mork are his pet hamsters
the only thing he is afraid of is his mother
he has no mother, he created him self
33511
Post by: Alphapod
He caused a GW price DECREASE.
27970
Post by: themocaw
He once scored a penetrating hit on a Land Raider with a laspistol.
A child in a game store once dropped him. The child broke into nine pieces.
I once submitted his sprue to a Golden Demon contest. I went home with the gold, silver, and bronze medals, and all the honorable mentions.
He made Mr. T pity himself.
23071
Post by: MandalorynOranj
He rolls 2d6 to penetrate a Monolith.
37549
Post by: Clumpski
he once had a bad curry, thus plasma containment was created
28228
Post by: Cheesecat
He can speak Low Gothic...
...In High Gothic.
29784
Post by: timetowaste85
He brought St. Celestine to bed. This caused the pregnancy of all of the Sisters of Battle.
Space Marines special characters ask his permission to use their chapter tactics.
Chuck Norris hides in a closet when they occupy the same universe.
22146
Post by: Saintspirit
MandalorynOranj wrote:He rolls 2d6 to penetrate a Monolith.
Not that he has to, of course.
40659
Post by: samtheking
He told slaneesh it was discusting and it cried/
24608
Post by: Schnitzel
He once flew through a Warp Storm... with the windows down.
33868
Post by: winnertakesall
He once went to a nice sunny planet, and stayed on the beach for his yearly holiday.
There were no survivors.
39163
Post by: Sledgio
He converted the tau to the Greater Good.
He turned an entire hive fleet into vegetarians.
He convinced the eldrad that he [the commissar] was the more noble of the pair.
37068
Post by: Conservationist
Adamantium is extracted from the air he breathes.
Promethium from every toilet he went to.
And Ceramite from his manly tears.
The psychic backlash of his sneeze created Slaanesh (and the excrement formed the Eye of Terror)
39163
Post by: Sledgio
Conservationist wrote:And Ceramite from his manly tears.
That's why GK armour is so precious, he hardly ever cries!
43960
Post by: Fairfeldia
he visited Tanith.. after it died
he dated Saint Sabbat
he taught Eisenhorn Philosophy
He told Gaunt to be more compassionate
He Had the Inquisition Investigate The Emperor
29610
Post by: fox-light713
If he was the last human in the galaxy humanity would still have a chance.
He finds squirrels untrustworthy
If he says "It's not you its me," he'd be lying
He is the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Aquilas."
37886
Post by: Goddard
He doesn't always friendly-fire, but when he does, he prefers Guardsmen.
40659
Post by: samtheking
Goddard wrote:He doesn't always friendly-fire, but when he does, he prefers Guardsmen.
Good one i like that.
45391
Post by: Chuck Norris
He kicked Draigo so hard he flew into the warp...
and Matt Ward refused to put him in the codex because he was "too over powered"
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
fox-light713 wrote:
He is the most interesting Commissar in the Galaxy.
"I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Aquilas."
In fact, he's so interesting the above facts have been written and posted in this thread at least five times by now.
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Post by: mr.ultramarine
Darkvoidof40k wrote: He owns a pet Carnifex named Rex.
 That My sir is Genius
He once outscouted the Tanith blindfolded.
45391
Post by: Chuck Norris
He outshot a manta... with a laspistol
He uses a CRASSUS ARMORED ASSaULT TRANSPORT as a powerfist
22783
Post by: Soladrin
He hypnotized Hypnotoad.
He's the real reason for the Black rage.
His black crusade would succeed.
He uses killa kans as toilets.
He outshouted Angron.
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
Soladrin wrote:He hypnotized Hypnotoad.
ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD
33868
Post by: winnertakesall
Dogface 76 wrote:Soladrin wrote:He hypnotized Hypnotoad.
ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD
Heresy!
43960
Post by: Fairfeldia
he's angier than an angry marine
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
winnertakesall wrote:Dogface 76 wrote:Soladrin wrote:He hypnotized Hypnotoad.
ALL HAIL HYPNOTOAD
Heresy!
Agreed, the true internet deity is blatantly the hypno-kitty. All shall bow down before its hypnotic might.
40659
Post by: samtheking
Fairfeldia wrote:he's angier than an angry marine
Not possible!!!!!!
43960
Post by: Fairfeldia
but this is the most interesting Commisar in the Galaxy, he beat the Hive leviathan in a eating contet!
22783
Post by: Soladrin
He touched sasha. (yes thats because of your avatar Sam)
44688
Post by: TrollPie
He can tell what swuk is talking about.
He spills more blood than an SoB during the "red rage".
He doesn't drink from a cup. He sucks Khorn's lakes of blood dry with a straw.
Mankind doesn't teeter on the edge of destruction. It teeters on the edge of his nipples.
22783
Post by: Soladrin
He knows what NATO style is.
13367
Post by: Nerivant
Soladrin wrote:He knows what NATO style is.
He discovered NATO style.
23071
Post by: MandalorynOranj
He knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout.
29910
Post by: Fire_for_effect
He got teleported onto Horus' flagship along with Sanguinius and big E. He then proceeded to eat Horus alive in one go, summary execute Sanguinius for not warning him that the spikey bits on Horus armour would get stuck in his teeth and then backhand pimp smacked the Emperor for not having executed Sanguinius himself.
Old One Eye lost his eye buy looking at him.
He regulary goes Carnifexhunting with a laspistol and a spork.
If you field him in a game and have not won in less then 30 seconds, then he executes you for incompetence and commands your army himself.
The missing Primarchs are not really missing. Their heads are hanging on the walls of his house as trophies.
19965
Post by: Lord Harrab
He used his fight money to buy two of every animal in the galaxy, then he herded them onto a boat, then beat the gak out of every single one.
45362
Post by: hollowmirror
He once let another commissar shoot him in the face. Not for cowardice, he just wanted to see what all the whining was about. He still doesn't get it.
22146
Post by: Saintspirit
He is the primarch for both the second and the eleventh legion. They are missing since he executed them.
29878
Post by: Chowderhead
He doesn't need bolt ammo. He fires pure rage from his weapon, and the power of his hatred tears his foes into bite sized pieces.
33997
Post by: Battle_Brother_Bruening
So far, I haven't stopped laughing.
Clumpski wrote:hes the only other human other than norma to understand the mathmatics behind frank herberts fold space drive :3 he is also Omnius and ermius, the evermind and the ever thinker
He is the Golden Path.
The emperor has a tattoo of his name on his butt cheek.
44185
Post by: CountDeath
He smacked lelith hesperax' bum and she liked it.
25727
Post by: Darkvoidof40k
CountDeath wrote:He smacked lelith hesperax' bum and she liked it.
Then he executed her Xenos butt.
39098
Post by: Shadelkan
He gave the idea to start Dakka Dakka... 38,000 years before he was born.
39135
Post by: PresidentOfAsia
Any twin linked weapon he uses fires from both barrels and he still gets to reroll
He got gork to change his name to mork and mork to change his name to Bob
He transported the CRASSUS ARMORED TRANSPORT
The Orks mistakened him for GORK and mork
Automatically Appended Next Post: He was a commissar
44471
Post by: Amontadillo
He once teleported into solid rock. And liked the tickling sensation.
He instructed the Eldar in seeing the future.
42592
Post by: JamesMclaren123
he beat down CHUCK NORRIS
33868
Post by: winnertakesall
He makes troll science work.
23071
Post by: MandalorynOranj
He beats rock, paper, AND scissors.
39098
Post by: Shadelkan
He isn't even a commissar!
22783
Post by: Soladrin
He catches Vindicare's hellfire rounds with his teeth, and sucks out the acid because it makes him feel pleasently tingly.
44745
Post by: atlas_garon
he once ran a marathone on fenris in the dead of winter to show his men the importance of being in shape
22942
Post by: Dogface 76
He uses the Emperor as his wingman when trolling for chicks.
37068
Post by: Conservationist
He was there to grant the Emperor his Godhood.
His hair lice - Enslavers - wiped out the Old Ones.
31375
Post by: stompydakka
atlas_garon wrote:he once ran a marathone on fenris in the dead of winter to show his men the importance of being in shape
Barefoot.
37549
Post by: Clumpski
the nids wont eat him, because there frighting of catching his crabs, there killers ya know
27750
Post by: cordan123
He uses a heavy flamer, to shave
39098
Post by: Shadelkan
cordan123 wrote:He uses a heavy flamer, to shave
Real men use him to get shaved; they sit on a barber's chair, while he does the job with his chainsword.
13220
Post by: Commisar Wolfie
The traitor primarchs refuse to leave their chaos worlds for fear of what he would do to them.
Magnus lost his second eye when he looked in on The commisar's bedroom
44894
Post by: Tuagh
A power fist reduces his initiative to 10.
39098
Post by: Shadelkan
Tuagh wrote:A power fist reduces his initiative to 10.
What is it without a power fist?!
Answer: 11.
39634
Post by: Tadhghouze
Everything he touches turns to guns.
37068
Post by: Conservationist
Tadhghouze wrote:Everything he touches turns to guns.
Except guns, which turn to tanks
31375
Post by: stompydakka
NOOOOO
TADGOuzE!
NYANCAT IS MYYY AVATAR!
44745
Post by: atlas_garon
perils of the warp psykers exicute themselves out of respect for him
37068
Post by: Conservationist
He has manifested as great people from our past to lead the humanity. Some include Lincoln, Alexander, Norris, Emperor and currently Creed.
Every Great Extinction in the history of Mankind was because he conducted summary execution on those lifeforms.
41573
Post by: Small, Far Away
He once swam to Mars.
One night he stayed at a Sisters convent, shortly after, the Black Templars were founded. Coincidence, I think not!
22317
Post by: Droofus
A thousand Emperors are sacrificed to him every day.
He carries a Nemesis Dreadknight in a pouch on his chest... and another in his athletic cup.
Konrad Curze once called his methods "unsound".
He once took a dump on an alien planet after eating too much guacamole. Ghazkghull Mag Uruk Thrakka sprang, full formed, from that dump.
44745
Post by: atlas_garon
hes the only man Karhn would never try to betray
39634
Post by: Tadhghouze
stompydakka wrote:NOOOOO
TADGOuzE!
NYANCAT IS MYYY AVATAR!
yes but mine be moving
17923
Post by: Asherian Command
He once made out with a Tyranid Queen and later scavenged the fleet using only a laspistol and a melta bomb....s
39135
Post by: PresidentOfAsia
He renamed Gork Mork and Mork Gork and Gazhgull to Jim
41773
Post by: Varrick
Small, Far Away wrote:He once swam to Mars.
One night he stayed at a Sisters convent, shortly after, the Black Templars were founded. Coincidence, I think not!
I like that one.
He once killed the Ginosagi; then sent him to attack a man named Jack.
37068
Post by: Conservationist
He unleashed the Tyranids onto the Imperium so he could measure the rate at which fleasand lice spread before they can be stopped.
He made this a brilliant thread.
28259
Post by: Ugly Green Trog
He can make a Sororitas nun pregnant just by looking at her and raising a single eyebrow Automatically Appended Next Post: His codpiece is made out of a retired mars class battleship.
42592
Post by: JamesMclaren123
He (secretly of course) is the real emperor, the guy on the throne is just the fall guy
29209
Post by: LooT
He made Khorne cry.
He confused Tzeentch.
He abused Slaanesh.
He gave Nurgle a wash.
39098
Post by: Shadelkan
He pulled a Leman Russ to the enemy, so the tank could hit them with its cannon.
41573
Post by: Small, Far Away
He can drink Fenris.
He can also speak Klingon, French, Eldar, Martian, Time Lord and Cockney. Automatically Appended Next Post: This is becoming the easiest and best game ever.
I love it...
11311
Post by: MasticatorDeelux
He wears a black and white coat into battle, riding on his black and white bike...
37068
Post by: Conservationist
MasticatorDeelux wrote:He wears a black and white coat into battle, riding on his black and white bike...
I have got to ask why?
22146
Post by: Saintspirit
Conservationist wrote:MasticatorDeelux wrote:He wears a black and white coat into battle, riding on his black and white bike...
I have got to ask why?
He wants to propose to the Chapter Matsers daughter!
She'd say yes, of course. And so would the chapter master, even though he wasn't proposed to.
45362
Post by: hollowmirror
He is what happened to the space dwarfs.
Automatically Appended Next Post:
33997
Post by: Battle_Brother_Bruening
Small, Far Away wrote:
He can also speak Klingon, French, Eldar, Martian, Time Lord and Cockney.
in Imperial Gothic of course.
He takes tanith sacra threw an IV and does not get drunk.
13220
Post by: Commisar Wolfie
He once drank the entire Space Wolves legion including Leman Russ under the table and was still drinking when they finally came too again
40659
Post by: samtheking
Space marines listen to his podcasts.
39098
Post by: Shadelkan
Sasha (the gun) has a picture of him on the inside of her ammo barrel.
41573
Post by: Small, Far Away
He keeps his Dos Aquillas in the secret box on Titan.
40659
Post by: samtheking
Automatically Appended Next Post:
Shadelkan wrote:Sasha (the gun) has a picture of him on the inside of her ammo barrel.
who tuched my gun!!!
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Post by: The Crusader Of 42
He considers live orks a delicious delicacy.
He made Kharn cry...
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Post by: Varrick
He beat Khorne in a boxing match.
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Post by: Toastedandy
He once took St. Celestine for a nice seafood dinner, and never called her again.
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Post by: Trondheim
He dated the sister of silence once... After that theywere no longer the sisters of silence, they where the moaning sisters
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Post by: Necronlord2
Trondheim wrote:He dated the sister of silence once... After that theywere no longer the sisters of silence, they where the moaning sisters
You, Sir......are AWESOME
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Post by: Daedricbob
He constructed his own psychic beacon out of an old garden ornament and a Dan Dare villan, and named it the Astro-Gnome-Mekon.
He kills a kitten everytime someone masturbates.
When you dream you are walking on a lonely beach, and see two sets of footprints, he is walking beside you. When you see only one set it's because he's just cut your f****g legs off.
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Post by: Dogface 76
He is the sole beneficiary in the Emperor's Will
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Post by: Cambak
He is just awesome.
He has done everything.
He needs no titles because he is THE title.
He is, the most -is executed by order of the Inquisition for the potential release of secret information retaining the Emperor, may he watch over us all.-
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Post by: Small, Far Away
If you discover his name, you must be cast into the Eye of Terror, where he will be waiting...
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Post by: samtheking
HE is the reincarnation of chuck norris
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Post by: Inquisitor Cortez
He betrayed Kharn the Betrayer by taking Slanesh's virginity but was not impressed when she fainted afterwards...
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Post by: Spartan 117
He speaks Chaos on Terra.
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Post by: Space Marine
He casts shadow of the warp wherever he goes, as the emperors light is too scared to go near.
He is too hard to eat Khorne Flakes. (His own brand is much harder.)
GW considered giving him his own codex, but it would be incredibly overpowered, so they didn't. He plans on getting his revenge on those responsible to this day.
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Post by: Darkvoidof40k
Space Marine wrote:GW considered giving him his own codex, but it would be incredibly overpowered, so they didn't. He plans on getting his revenge on those responsible to this day.
He's so overpowered, Mat Ward said "Dang!"
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Post by: Space Marine
Darkvoidof40k wrote:Space Marine wrote:GW considered giving him his own codex, but it would be incredibly overpowered, so they didn't. He plans on getting his revenge on those responsible to this day.
He's so overpowered, Mat Ward said "Dang!"
The codex was going to be called Codex: Angry Marines, but that was an understatement.
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Post by: snake
His parents are named after him.
He has won staring contests with the Eye of Terror.
He regularly plays with Necrons - and wins.
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Post by: TrollPie
He sells headache tablets to Slaanesh
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Post by: ZacktheChaosChild
He is the reason why the Warp stays out of the real world.
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Post by: Belexar
He framed the Eldar for creating Slannesh. He's responsible for all of Straken's bionics. He once killed an posessed Emperor-class Battleship. Naked. While banging a Canoness.
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Post by: FuryTheBerserker
I was going to die laughing reading this thread if I was not immortal
The smell of his fart terrified Nurgle and made him run away in disgust!
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Post by: Saintspirit
...then he thought about helping Isha escape, but instead he brought the whole cage, thinking she'd serve well as a decoration in his living room.
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Post by: Mythal
His fists caused a run on the Ork currency. Twice.
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Post by: Abstract Catalyst
He beat Tzeentch in a game of chess.
He taught an Ork to speak in Shakespearian English.
He's so overpowered even in Matt Ward thinks it's a bit much.
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Post by: samtheking
Matt Ward worships him for his overpowerdness
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Post by: Belexar
He had Slannesh in his phonebook listed under "Bootycall."
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Post by: LooT
These are just amazing.
The Emperor rises from the Golden Throne to shake his hand.
He killed Chuck Norris.
He Planet killed the Planet Killer. By sneezing and pushing Alderaan into the ship. Abaddon sent him a bill for the damage, but he is so badass he won't pay it!!
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Post by: TrollPie
He doesn't always walk across the Emporer's lap, but when he does, he makes sure to step on his genitals.
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Post by: Saintspirit
Slaanesh tells him "Not tonight, I have a headache". He doesn't care about that.
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