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HOW TO WIN A FIGHT AGAINST 20 CHILDREN

I’m not going to ask why you’re fighting twenty children. That’s your own business, although most reasons are as old as time itself:

1) They started it.
2) You flipped over the table while losing a Magic: The Gathering game, and damaged several rare cards.
3) They stole your woman.
4) You stole their woman.
5) You’ve had enough of their bs.

Whether you’re a good man who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, or a dangerous maniac, I want to help. That’s why I’ve consulted with the experts (who did not wish to be named) on how to maximize your odds of winning a fight against twenty children. Follow these guidelines, and your opponents will wish they were never born 6 or 7 years ago.

__

Use an appropriate technique. Modern mixed martial arts are geared almost exclusively towards one on one combat, and are not designed to take on multiple tiny aggressors. As a grown adult, you could be fairly assured of absolutely destroying a 7 year old if you took him to the floor for a ground and pound. But by doing so you’d expose your back and head to his peers. Your best bet is to stay on your feet and use striking techniques. Karate is one good choice - it was originally designed in the 1600’s for use by unarmed Japanese day care workers.

Be aware of the terrain. By default, you’re going to have a height advantage against twenty children, but be sure you don’t cede it. Avoid fighting around picnic tables, monkey bars, or anything with which a particularly daring child could launch an aerial attack. The ideal situation is fighting children who are trapped in a ditch below you.

Stay mobile. Unless you’re extremely lucky and find yourself fighting twenty infants, you’re going to be at a mobility disadvantage when fighting a large group of children. You must avoid becoming surrounded at all costs. Keep moving, and always trying to position the bulk of children on one side of you. Circle, sidestep, and use tactical retreats to try and engage a single child at a time, where your reach and decades of muscular development should prove an advantage.

Speed. You want this fight to be over fast. Children have boundless amounts of energy, and you’ll tire quickly as the fight progresses. If you schedule your fights with twenty children in advance for some reason, I urge you to focus your pre-training regimen on cardiovascular conditioning and snorting eye-wateringly large amounts of cocaine.

Intimidation. Although I don’t expect you to be intimidated by the prospect of fighting twenty children - given the self-confidence that comes with maturity - remember that intimidation is a two way street. Twenty is a big number, and if that many children lose their fear of you, watch out. Use fierce roars and displays of strength to frighten the children. When taunting, remember that children are almost comically stupid, and won’t understand any of your more creative taunts. You won’t intimidate anyone if you have to explain three times specifically what you did to their mother last night.

Go for the leader first. Assuming the twenty children lack military training, they’re going to behave more like a pack of animals than a cohesive group. By default, pack animals will defer to an alpha leader, and if you manage to subdue that child, the rest of the pack will quickly lose their will to fight. In some cases the leader will be actively giving orders and therefore easy to identify. Other times they’ll be harder to pick out. In those cases, go for the tallest one, or the one with the most Pokemon on their clothing. Once the alpha child is lying in a heap, you’ve got a narrow window of intimidation open while the children regroup. I’d recommend lifting his body over your head and screaming yourself hoarse. That’s the smart veteran move.

Groin attacks. In general the crotch is a small, easily defensible target, and not typically a factor in most fights at a reasonably professional level. That said, when children are attacked by an adult, they’re rarely going to respond professionally. Again, if you have forewarning that you’ll soon be coming to blows with twenty children, absolutely wear a cup. If you do get struck in the groin, under no circumstances should you place your hand on your genitals to massage away the pain - touching your privates while surrounded by minors is illegal in many states, and frowned upon in the rest.

Weapons. I’d suggest refraining from using weapons, and not just because of the harsh mandatory minimum sentencing laws that are a sad reality in this modern age. By bringing a weapon you might prompt the children to bring weapons as well. This kind of escalation plays against you. Whereas before you could fairly safely absorb several dozen tiny little punches before being incapacitated, you’re now at risk of being dropped with a single lucky strike. If a child with a pair of safety scissors gets at your Achilles tendon (the groin of the ankle) then you’re cooked buddy.

Let the last one walk away. In Professional Twenty-Child-Fighting Leagues this is now tradition, but even during raw, underground twenty child street-fights it serves an important purpose. By letting that child spread word of your great strength and not-to-be-fethed-withedness amongst the other children of the area, you can ensure that it will be a long time indeed before someone else mewls at you that you’re hogging the swings.

This sounds like something that came (or at lest should have come from) Somethingawful. In either case, i think I risked my current employment reading in while my boss was in the room and I had difficulty concealing my laughter. However, it is information that I will file away under both "potentialy useful life saving info" and "funny as hell".

wwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwww
ill have to remembert that the next time i babysit

http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/08/19/how-to-win-a-fight-against-twenty-children/

Coming from an extremely violent elementary school filled with super-inbred trailer-trash and apathetic teachers, I have a couple of tips that I'd like to add.
First, wear a big corduroy coat, with massive pockets. It will absorb some of the weaker blows, from girls and those with withered limbs.
Second, make sure to fill the pockets with rocks that you can easily grab and throw at the biggest kids. It may not deter them, but it will weaken the morale of any others in the group that will panic at the sight of blood.
Third and most vital, if any of them get ahold of your arms, BITE THEM! There's nothing more effective at weakening the resolve of a bunch of angry, slowed, sugar-saturated third graders than watching one of their own shriek at the top of their lungs whilst watching blood pump from the stumps of a finger or three.
I would put in a warning about watching out for kids that got held back for a grade or two, who might be angrier and bigger, but in my school district they never bothered with that sort of thing.

I fended off at least a dozen eight/nine year olds when I was eleven. One of them threw a stick at me. I threw it back, rolled a natural 20 and hit him in the eye. The rest... well...

Karate has actually a hobby of mine for slightly longer than playing wargames, and nowhere near as long as computers. I'd been playing D&D at that point, though. Ahem.

If you have fifty bucks, diffuse the situation by taking them to McDonalds for Happy Meals.

And then while they are in the play area, burn all their toys.

Once again, information I could have used yesterday.

Dammit, 'Shane!

What were you told?

The first rule of Kid Fight Club is YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT Kid Fight Club!

You're going to get us all kicked out!

Eric