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The following excerpt is a brief introduction to a more substantial piece that I have been working on for a number of years now. I appreciate comments, questions and general critical analysis, should you feel the urge...




Jhaelen stood beneath the stars and gazed down upon the wondrous city; a cool breeze caressing his face like the gentle breath of some munificent goddess. From his vantage point high atop the intricate battlements of the Eternal Citadel, he had a vertiginous view over all of fabulous Erech through the intermitent patches of stratus clouds that drifted slowly through the sky far, far below. The twin moons gleamed in their fullness, casting a fey light upon all that he surveyed. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply of the crisp night air, savouring the tranquillity afforded by his elevated position.


The magnificent city stretched out below him; its many grandiose spires, domes and minarets lit up by a million illumine globes. White stone and silversteel formed these glorious structures, their soaring walls punctured with myriad glass-filled casements. Intricately detailed buttresses and exotic gargoyles depicting wondrous beasts of legend sprouted from the flanks of each edifice, like elaborate and highly-wrought metal limbs. Erech was an ancient city of astounding aesthetics mixed with incredible mechanical details. Indeed, many believed it had been formed by the hands of gods.


Built as it was upon a tamed volcano, the Eternal Citadel enveloped the entire mountain and was effectively a city unto itself. Its construction had taken many centuries and it was said that the citadel’s foundations were laid in the First Days, when Jhaelen had originally come to this world aboard The Spear of Heaven at the head of a mighty war fleet. Indeed, most scholars agreed that one of these gigantic vessels formed the very heart of the colossal ziggurat, although none had ventured that far into the unfathomable depths in more than five hundred years. None except for Jhaelen.


Jhaelen’s keen ears twitched imperceptibly as they detected the reverberations that signified the approach of another, even though that person was still some distance away inside the Citadel. Sixty heartbeats passed before the large circular portal behind him rolled open, hydraulics hissing and emitting small puffs of steam and Jhaelen, back to the door, smiled to himself.


“Good nightfall, First Captain,” Jhaelen proffered. “I trust that preparations are well underway?”


Captain Tamasau Umaga bowed despite the fact his master could not see him; he knew very well that he would most certainly hear his obeisance. “Good nightfall, my lord,” he replied. “Preparations are approaching completion, and we will be ready to begin boarding ceremonies before sunrise. All that remains are for the final checks to be completed, my lord.”


Jhaelen turned as he spoke. “This is good, Tamasau. Once again you work with the efficiency and attention to detail that we have all become accustomed to here in the Citadel.”


The captain bowed his head again. “Thank you my lord, I am merely performing my duties.” Jhaelen walked over to tower over the other man, and Tamasau Umaga looked up to behold him.


Lord-Custodian Jhaelen, The Keeper of Erech, was far taller than Umaga, despite the warrior being half a head taller than most men in the legion. He was dressed in a simple white robe that rippled in the wind as it hung from broad, muscular shoulders. Slanting, almond shaped eyes of gleaming cerulean that, on occasion, seemed to flicker and change with his mood, gazed down at him with obvious good humour, although Umaga also saw a great sadness behind those mesmerising orbs.


“The day is finally upon us, Tamasau. After ten thousand years we can finally go home.” Jhaelen paused for a moment, smiling as tears glistened in his eyes. He placed a hand upon the other's shoulder guard before he spoke again. “Are you ready, First Captain? Are you ready to meet our Emperor?”


The armoured warrior clenched his right fist and slammed it to his breastplate in affirmation, tears freely running down both cheeks, his hearts pounding with barely contained emotion. Yet his voice was strong, unfaltering, as he replied.


“Yes, my primarch.”




To be continued...

Now this I like, and pooh-ba to those who wish to keep the missing two lost to the depths of time.

This had just the right amount of intoduction so as to not seem too long and make me lose interest, along side solid descriptions of the city, brief history, and main character. Though I will say you left the First Captian as a bit of a blank TBH.

I can almost imagine the grand fanfare of the population as they watch the legion embark with their Primarch after a stirring speach to the populous before accending to the stars.
A bit like the great crusade before the Big E left Terra, though far smaller, and not for galaxtic conquest. But that may change once they see how far the Imperium has fallen.

Is there a reason why he and his legion had to wait ten-thousand years to return to the Imperium?

Do they know what happened to the other missing legion and Primarch?

Where are they in the galaxy and what wars have they fought in all those millenia?

Nice pacing. Good eye for description.

A very promising start!

Cheers guys!

@ Themanwiththeplan - Yep, I didn't really make any effort to describe Captain Umaga, did I? I'll have to rectify that, because you make a fair point.

Regarding your questions...

1. There is a reason why they had to wait 10,000 years, and not just because it fits in nicely with the current 40k epoch. But you'll just have to wait and see, I'm afraid... no spoilers here!

2. Do they know what happened to the other missing legion/primarch? Maybe, maybe not...

3. Where are they in the galaxy and what wars have they fought? They're over in the Eastern Fringe somewhere. All will be revealed, my friend.

Yay! No spoilers!

Thanks for the answers and I look forward to the next installment!