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Vol 8 – The Space Emperor

 

The Space Emperor has lots (x2) of superpowers.  He gives himself a new superpower on his birthday every year so he has more than 40,000 superpowers such as omnipotence, immortality, super weaving and organic webshooters.  He wears special Space Armor made of solid gold, that’s why his miniature is made of solid gold.  In the old days he used to fly through Space and kill the Space Aliens but these days he likes to sit in his chair, drink beer and watch football.  Kind of like my dad.  But he still has his 40,000 superpowers, that’s why he costs 40,000 points and his miniature costs $40,000. – Sneak Preview of Codex Space Emperor

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The Space Emperor has a Gun, it is very (x2) powerful.  This one time he shot it and like, the Planet Pluto was totally destroyed and everyone was all like ‘whoa!’  The Space Emperor has a Sword, it is very (x2) powerful.  This one time he unsheaved it and like all the Squats totally dropped dead and everyone was all like ‘whoa!’  The Space Emperor has a Nose Hair Clipper, it is very (x2) powerful.  This one time turned it on and like, all the Space Marines totally went bald and everyone was all like ‘whoa!’ except for the Space Marines who were all like ‘WTF?!’ – Sneak Preview of Codex Space Emperor

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The Space Emperor’s brother is the Galaxy Emperor and he always beats the Space Emperor in backyard wrestling.  This one time the Galaxy Emperor visited his little brother’s Space Empire and killed off all the Zoats and the Space Emperor was all like WTF?!?! I wuz totally gonna kill them!!one!! Since then he hasn’t been allowed to visit.  – Sneak Preview of Codex Space Emperor

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The Space Emperor’s dad is the Universe Emperor, he’s like 2 light-years tall and has a sword 4 light years long and it can kill a Wraithlord with just one (x2) shot.  This one time the Universe Emperor visited the Space Emperor and was all like ‘how come you didn’t go to med school?”  And the Space Emperor was all like ‘DAD!  I conquered the whole Space Empire!”  And the Universe Emperor was all like ‘So?  I conquered the whole Universe Empire by the time I was 21!  You didn’t do nothing with your life till you were 30,000.  And how come I don’t have any grandkids?”  And the Space Emperor was all like ‘What about the Sensei?’ but the Universe Emperor was all like ‘I mean grandkids who are in 4^th edition!’ then the Space Emperor cried. – Sneak Preview of Codex Space Emperor

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This one time the Space Emperor traveled to Universe-B and met his counterpart the God-Emperor who’s just like the Space Emperor except where the Space Emperor has cheerleaders and Japanese school girls the God-Emperor has neekid flying babies and men in dresses.  They teamed up together and stopped both Dr. Doom and Lex Luthor.  – Sneak Preview of Codex Space Emperor

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This one time the Space Emperor said the oath of the Space Emperor Corps:

In darkest space, or on the sun

No Space Elf shall escape my gun

Let all who worship evil!!!1!!!

Beware my power, the MEGA-GATLING-REAPING-RENDING-PHASE-FORCE-EMPEROR CRAFTED-JOKERO-NOVA CANNON!

It’s not much of an oath, but to tell the truth it’s not much of a corps, just the Space Emperor, his invisible monkey friend Bo-Bo and his dog Fluffy. – Sneak Preview of Codex Space Emperor

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The Space Emperor is very (x2) popular because this one time he saw Jessica Alba in a bikini but for some strange reason there are some people who don’t like him.  One of the Space Emperor’s toughest foes is the Vengeful Corpse of JRR Tolkein.  No one knows why the Vengeful Corpse of JRR Tolkein is so angry, it’s not like someone stole all his ideas and added skulls and passed them off as his own.  The Vengeful Corpse of JRR Tolkein likes to team up with the Vengeful Corpse of Robert Heinlien and the Vengeful Corpse of Michael Moorcock.  This is strange since Michael Moorcock is not dead.  – Sneak Preview of Codex: Legion of People Who For Some Strange Reason Don’t Like The Space Emperor

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The Space Emperor has many fans.  Some of them are Orthodox Imperialists who burn a witch every Wednesday.  “Wednesday is Witch Day” sayth the Space Emperor.  Others are Puritan Imperialists who torture a mutant to death every Monday.  “Monday is Mutant Day” sayth the Space Emperor.  They fight many wars over who’s right. – Sneak Preview of Codex: Space Imperialism

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This one time the Tao Space Pope said “Space Imperialism is a violent religion”.  This made the Space Emperor’s fan club very (x2) angry so they killed the Space Pope, they killed the Space Pope’s whole family, they burned down his house and they shot his dog.  Now no one says Space Imperialism is a violent religion. – Sneak Preview of Codex: Space Imperialism

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The Space Emperor used to have many children but this one time he sold them to gypsies so he could buy a Wolf Priest model for $9999.00 (plus $15 shipping and handling).  Eventually he got most of them back.  Except for two.  But they were real (x2) funny looking so no one missed them.  – Sneak Preview of Codex: Space Emperor

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This one time the Space Emperor was on the Nationwide Intarweb and asking some nerds how he should paint his Space Marines and they were all like you have to use a 00 detail brush and the Space Emperor was all like won’t that take too long? And they were all like you have to do it to paint the details so the Space Emperor was all like whatever.  Since each of the Space Emperor’s Space Marines is 7’ tall it took him many (x2) years to paint just one.  Lucky the Space Emperor is immortal huh?  That’s why he didn’t conquer the Space Universe until the year 30,000 AD – Sneak Preview of How to Paint Space Marines the <st1:street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">Space Emperor Way</st1:address></st1:street>

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This one time the Space Emperor was on the Nationwide Intarweb and asking some nerds what he should put in his Space Marine army to fight the Green Monsters.  He wanted to have 1000 Space Marines with tanks and drop pods and Thunderhawks supported by 50,000 guardsmen and orbital bombardments but the nerds were all like that’s illegal cause only Inquisitors get orbital bombardments and you can’t fit all that into 1850 points and Thunderhawks are opponent’s permission anyway.  So the Space Emperor had to cut his army down to just 40 Space Marines and 4 tanks.  Because his army was so small it took 300 years just to conquer one planet.  That’s why he didn’t conquer the Space Universe until the year 30,000 AD – Sneak Preview of How to Win With Space Marines the <st1:street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">Space Emperor Way</st1:address></st1:street>

 

"And this car almost hit him but the Emperor saved himself by altering the laws of reality so that vehicles could not touch people or each other. This is why there are no rules for ramming in 4th edition. "

Now THIS has potential, I think. It's like creation mythology. You could do a whole series explaining the crazy rules in 40K.

Very funny stuff, as usual. These Previews are one of my favorite things about Dakka, Kid. Thanks for making me laugh.

This one time Boss Salvage read something totally awesome online that actually for serious made him ROFLMAO (x2) while he was at work, and he wanted really bad (so bad he could taste it, which was gross cause it tasted kinda like wee) to reply with some ultra-witty (x2) awesome response that upheld the shiney glory of Teh Space Emprer while cleverly insinuating pop culture references, except that almost a week later his mega-bolter was still drawing blanks. So he put on a XXS transformers shirt and shat out something until the next enstallment comes around. - Sneak Preview of How to Design Armies the GeeDub Way

I bow very low to your sense of funnyness! And now I'll go get some scott towels, because I peed in my pants.

 

Phil

I love how you kept inserting "Space" before everything....reminds me of the Invader Zim episode with "Space Meat" (TM)

http://www.siberkat.com/requests2/r113spacemeat.wav

This one time the Space Emperor was in a book shop looking for Space Books when he found something very (X2) amazing .. "Space Orks - the Codex". Green Roid Monkeys on the war path appealed to the very (x2) Roid Monkey Space Emperor very (x2) much so he altered reality (by sending Scribbler Chambers the Starship dimension) so that their book would never (x2) change .. EVER.

This one time, I did some serious space thread-romancy.

Wow, I like really hope you had to click through one of those 3 month old warnings for all 12 years...

God I haven't done one of these forever.