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IT'S FINALLY HERE!
the first volume of
'da emperah's biig book 'uh rools' is out!
here are some snipets

1. any citizen caught not thinking about the emperor will be killed.
2. any citizen caught thinking about anything other then the emperor will be killed.
3. any citizen caught thinking about the emperor in a good way will be killed.
4. if you join the army, you will be killed
5. if you join the army, be ready to be an executable
6. if you join the army, be ready to be laughed at by 8' tall blue guys with funny crests on their shirts.
7. if you join the army, be ready to listen to a bunch 'uh orkz talking about how they stomped out yuh mumz.
8. if you are looked at by an inquisitor, be ready to die
9. if you look funny, prepare to die.
10. if you think happy or non grimdark thoughts, prepare to die.
11. if you hear voices, report it
12. if you report anything, you will be killed.
13. if you don't report anything, you will be killed.
14. in the emperors name, you will not live to be 15.
15. if you live to be 15, then you're strange and will be recruited into the army.
16. if you survive your fist war in the army, you will be executed for sending a good example to other troops.
17. if you survive your first war and aren't executed, report it.
18. if you don't report it, you will be killed for not reporting it.
19. if you see a space marine, don't look at him. he will think you look funny.
20. if you want to become a servitor, you will be killed.
21. if you become a war veteran of any kind, you will be killed.
22. if you live a long and full life, you will be killed
23. if you fall asleep, you will be killed.
24. if you speak, you will be killed.
25. if you think, you will be killed.
26. if you eat, you will be killed.
27. if you smile, you will be killed.
28. if you don't smile you will be killed.
29. if you laugh, you will be killed.
30. if you don't laugh at a commisars joke, you will be killed.
31. if you talk to a space marine, you will be killed
32. if you talk to a space marines servant, you will be killed.
33. if you talk to a space marines servitor, you will be killed.
34. if you ask an apothecary for medicine, you will die.
35. if you don't ask an apothecary for medicine you will be killed.
36. if you die, you will be killed.
37. if killed, you will stay dead.
38. if you fail to stay dead, you will be killed again.
39. if you fail to stay dead a second time, your executor will report you.
40. if you're executor is not killed for reporting somthing, report him.
41. work hard and put your all into it.
42. always think of the emperor.
43. if the emperor awakens, you will kill yourself, or be killed.
44. you will treat all terrain that sly marbo is in as dangerous terrain.
45. you will play grinder missions with creed if that is his wish.
46. you will be annahilated if that is creeds wish.
47. you will be de-zombiefied if you become a zombie
48. if you fail to be come unundeadified, you will be dead.
49. if you disobey even one of these rules you will be killed.
50. remember to smile, laugh and speak to those around you. it will help in this grimdark land.

I want that 4 minutes of my life back. You sort of killed "the-say-one-thing-then-completely-contradict-it-with-the-next-line" gag, and you sort of ruined the wit and the funneh by making it so you can;t do anything.

I wanna kill da spehss emprah!

Captain Solon wrote:37. if killed, you will stay dead.

Tell that to Lucius the Eternal :<

Rewision wrote:

Captain Solon wrote:37. if killed, you will stay dead.

Tell that to Lucius the Eternal :<

Rule 38 and 39 are set up to deal with that sort of thing.

BTW, after all that I loled when I read rule 50.

I'm glad everyone likes them, I'm adding some new rules now:
Millitary rules: (written in IG-ese)
51. Honour the emperor above all else.
52. honour your commisar above all but the emperor
53. honour the lasgun, the pistol and the chainsword.
54. always aim straight and never miss your target.
55. Before a sneak attack, give away your element of suprise and scream FOR THE EMPERAR!!!
56. Do not waste what the emperor provides.
57. when you hear garbled comms-/vox-box messages, ending in oh no, they're comming no! no! no! ahhhh-shifdkrgkufbgyhgbrfk! remember to scream out "timmy! timmy are you there?!" (even if thy voxboys name is not blessed with timmothy.)
58. if you're being shot at, scream for the emperor!
59. if you're killed, get up and start shooting or your commisar may take example of you, and execute you.
60. when in doubt, cower.
61. if cowering doesn't work, try finding some cover to shoot from behind.
62. if that doesn't work, cower from behind cover.
63. if you're found hiding behind cover or cowering you will be shot.
64. Do not leave the field of battle, if you do so, you will be shot.
65. if you survive being shot, you will be shot again.
66. if all else fails, leave the field of battle.
67. if you can't leave and don't want to be shot, hurl yourself forward in thine emperah's name.
68. if you fall out of cover, you will be shot.
69 if you comm-call suppresive fire, your acting commisar will kill you.
70 remember the three C's of Kombat: cover, cower, cry.

Emperors Faithful wrote:

Rewision wrote:

Captain Solon wrote:37. if killed, you will stay dead.

Tell that to Lucius the Eternal :<

Rule 38 and 39 are set up to deal with that sort of thing.

BTW, after all that I loled when I read rule 50.

But you would still break the rule #37, meaning that you do heresy.

Is this just fir the Imperial army, lol?
Or for everyone. If it's the latter, 40k is more grimdark than I thought.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

karimabuseer wrote:Is this just for the Imperial army, lol?
Or for everyone. If it's the latter, 40k is more grimdark than I thought.

Rewision wrote:

Emperors Faithful wrote:

Rewision wrote:

Captain Solon wrote:37. if killed, you will stay dead.

Tell that to Lucius the Eternal :<

Rule 38 and 39 are set up to deal with that sort of thing.

BTW, after all that I loled when I read rule 50.

But you would still break the rule #37, meaning that you do heresy.

But its da emprah. He can do what he wants cos his da emprah and all that stuff.

FFOOORRR DA EMPRAH...(and queen boxxy!)