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I have not finished it yet

Prologue


Since the dark years of the Hourus Heresy the strange alien race of the Tau ruled the planet Estan. Recently however the mysterious Tau and their Kroot allies requested an alliance with the human race. We accepted, this where we went wrong. When every thing was fine Estan was prospering. Estan had trade routes and there were no wars. We sent a scout of the mighty Ultramarines to investigate a new trade route set up by the Tau but instead he found a top secret document that said to rid human kind from the planet Estan.

Since that day Estan was changed to a burnt and war torn planet

Glory In Death
Chapter 1
How Death Starts
Private Kalsik Mon studied the corpse of the tau warrior. He was scared about the coming battle. He and his squad were behind enemy lines and the tau enemy knew they were there. He felt pride even standing before the ultramarines banner attached to Captain Ventrs’s backpack. It was a strange pride because it had fear and loyalty in it.
They were hiding in the ruins when a dazzling white light blew a hole in a ruined wall. They were under attack.
“Mick, Jun take left flank. Kalsik, Falco right. I will bring aid to both sides.” Shouted Captain Ventrs. As soon as he said that two more dazzling white lights smashed into the ground next to him and he went flying into a pile of rubble.
Ventrs was hurt. Kalsik took command because he had seen we the white lights had come from. “Falco cover me, I’ll check on Ventrs. Jun, Mick continue up the hill the shots came from the top, in the forest” Kalsik screamed into his vox transmitter.



Chapter 2
Hiding


Kalsik had failed. Jun had been disintegrated before his eyes. “Mick fall back, Falco relocate on my position” said Kalsik trying to keep calm. He was hiding behind a smashed up table with Ventrs lying unconscious beside him. He was terrified, he was looking though a hole in the table when suddenly a white light hit the ground about two or three meters away from him. Dust flew into the air making it impossible to see anything.

Wow.... this was not very good. Have you thought about actually writhing a story? And not just a few lines? And how about actually giving us more than a gakky battle description.

Ok i think this [like many things] this has the potential of being good. You should write more than a few lines, and tell more about the setting and characters, no one is really that sad when a character dies, if hes only been there for a few second, with no back story, basically nameless guard syndrome, id say write more and also ultra marines not horrible kinda over done not that bad but not my first choice you should make up your own, gives more room for development into a unknown chapter of space marines.so write a little more and i think it could be good.

i find it has some prospects.
write what happens next but as the guys said, make it bigger. a few lines are not enough.

Hardend Guardsman wrote:I have not finished it yet

Glory In Death
Chapter 1
How Death Starts
Private Kalsik Mon studied the corpse of the tau warrior (Why? Is he an anatomical expert? Has he seen the face of the Almighty Emperor in a flesh-wound? You don't go anywhere with this. How did it get there?) He was scared about the coming battle. He and his squad were behind enemy lines and the tau enemy knew they were there. He felt pride even standing before the ultramarines banner attached to Captain Ventrs’s backpack (So what company or group is Kalsik with?). It was a strange pride because it had fear and loyalty in it (At least give some explanation of the Kalsik's feelings here other than a hint of symbolism).
They were hiding in the ruins when a dazzling white light blew a hole in a ruined wall. They were under attack (No kidding. This isn't 'Most Outrageous Caught On Tape XIII', give the reader some credit).
“Mick, Jun take left flank. Kalsik, Falco right. I will bring aid to both sides.” Shouted Captain Ventrs. As soon as he said that two more dazzling white lights smashed into the ground next to him and he went flying into a pile of rubble (What are the men's immediate reactions? You can build some character here before you get into the action - it doesn't matter that the marine is hit immediately thereafter - the reaction will have better context this way).
Ventrs was hurt. Kalsik took command because he had seen we the white lights had come from (Some graphical description is called for, and some emotional response too. It doesn't make sense that a private could assume command so easily - make him a corporal or something - have him give orders to a medic while he does something interesting with the team). “Falco cover me (why not Slippy? ), I’ll check on Ventrs. Jun, Mick continue up the hill the shots came from the top, in the forest” Kalsik screamed into his vox transmitter.