Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

I have finished introduction story for my fan-made race - the Overseers. I am preparing to write a second one: this time in 41'st millennium.
I was just wondering if I can get your opinions and some suggestion for the continuation of the story.

Page 1: http://brothercoa.deviantart.com/art/Overseers-The-Beginning-I-192136145?q=gallery%3Abrothercoa&qo=2
Page 2: http://brothercoa.deviantart.com/art/Overseers-The-Beginning-II-192156338?q=gallery%3Abrothercoa&qo=1
Page 3: http://brothercoa.deviantart.com/art/Overseers-The-Beginning-III-192450525?q=gallery%3Abrothercoa&qo=0

Hope you will like it, and all fell free to comment and suggest...

Heya
I read the first part and although the story seems kind of interesting, there are two things I think you should work on.
First of all, there are a lot of grammar / syntax mistakes, which slow down the story and make it rather hard to read. I assume you're not a native english speaker (neither am I), so I understand it is hard to correct these mistakes or not even make them, but if there's a possibility, maybe you know someone who could correct the stories for you, or if you think you can handle it, you try to do it yourself.
Secondly, I'd say that you should try to hold back a little when mixing the events or characters of your story with the big stuff going on in the original fluff. Personally, I found it odd that the Overseers were friends with Roboute Guilliman (or what ever his name is :S) and that (not sure if I got this right) the Emperor supported their peaceful ways with aliens. For me, the Emperor, primarchs and terra in general are way to important to deal with self made fluff, but because in your case Milon is very important, it wasn't too bad. I guess here it comes down to a matter of personal opinions.

These are just my first thoughts, hope it helps, I'll try to find some time and read the other two parts as well.

lg
FFE