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Hey guys, so Im AD, and my goal is to be a writer. I write stories when i have time to and when i don't have any homework which really consumes my life O.o
Im from Australia, NSW, yr 11 student.

I hope you enjoy the first extract from my story. If you like please ask and ill post some more


Title: Death Storm
by Adrian Santa Maria

Chapter 1




The war-torn planet of Cairntarius was surrounded by the endless cold darkness of space as heart warming rays of sunlight radiated to the surface. It was all but quiet except for the distant, echoing sound of engines igniting furiously, strained and tired from endless work. Stars twinkled throughout the darkness, each small burst of light almost as inconsiderate as the next. Miraculously in the distance, two dozen sets of bulky lights moved ever so slowly towards the planet like a pod of whales in the deepest of oceans, passing by the gas giants of the system. The large and irregular vessels glided through the darkness staring across the length of space towards the planet and its two spherical organic filled sidekicks that fell into orbit around it. Once upon a time however, the vessels had been involved in one of the largest scaled planetary invasions in the Imperium’s history, the evidential battle scars lined each and every vessel left, right and centre but now they were here. The Imperial navy they were and within half a dozen of these small Imperial vessels, thousands of eager warriors prepared themselves for the heat of battle ahead of them. In precise synchronisation, sirens roared to life and at that very moment, operation Freefall began.


The fleet sent to the salvation of Cairntarius was a mixed force of Imperial Navy vessels and space ships all made in different forge worlds of the Mechanicus tech-priests, the ancient scientific religion of the tech-priests of Mars, the creators and maintainers of the ancient technology that lead to the creation of advanced weaponry and warp transportation centuries before. In the centre of the fleet, dominating every other vessel was the Resilient of Reach, a Retribution class Battleship of the Adeptus Mechanicus that stood out amongst its smaller family, it looked like a giant Cathedral house floating through space with what looked to be a towering church. The battleship was easily seven kilometres long from its prow to stern and across its surfaces, a mass of sharp-edged weaponry traversed in either direction through space. On either flank, the battleship bore the two-headed Imperial eagle, the symbol of the Imperium of man. Next to the eagle was the yellow and green insignia of the 211th Ultima Segmentum fleet. On the starboard flank of the Resilient of Reach was its partner, the Severitus, an Imperial Endeavour-class light-cruiser especially constructed for body guard purposes for the Resilient of Reach. .
At the head point of the small fleet was the small cruiser called the Premicar and at the rear was the Tybaran at the opposite end. Around these imperial navy ships swarmed a mixture of heavily armoured transports and escort ships that moved around the Resilient of Reach and its followers in no particular motion, moving as if to stay close like a young child looking to its mother for guidance and protection.
One of the armoured transports hovered closely towards the centre of the Imperial fleet, its rare form different to that of every individual transport present. It was a Christus pattern armoured transport craft produced over twenty-four centuries previous soon before its production plans and memory of it was all but forgotten. It’s gun-metal coat cut and rusted from hundreds of years in service. It was on board this very armoured transport called the Might of Salvation that housed the Cadian 62nd infantry Regiment, also known as Death Storm.

wow, I don't usually like what I read in this forum but I'm liking this. =)

Good start.
I also want to be a writer so i know the feeling.
Hope to see more.

THANKS!!!!! haha
is there anything that needs to be fixed or changed?
i want to be the best i can be

It all seems okay...
Just a small thing though. You may want the drop ships and such to be leaving a mass conveyance ship since they don't tend to travel in space but are launched from the troopships upon arrival/beginning of assault.

AD YEAH wrote:
On the starboard flank of the Resilient of Reach was its partner, the Severitus, an Imperial Endeavour-class light-cruiser especially constructed for body guard purposes for the Resilient of Reach. .

Just wondering, but why is that lonely dot there?

As for the rest: Could you please post some more? I'm quite curious about what's gonna happen next.

Some of the language was very interesting and evocative but i can't help but feel it was at the expense of a little coherency. I actually found the story quite hard to follow in all honesty. This may be because you are writing something very large scale, something i would personally only briefly do. However if this was merely an intro to show the epic scale of things i imagine it will be fine, even elegant if we were to join one of the troopers in the transport.

So needs a little work on 'flow' otherwise the language is promising. Will be sure to check for more updates

loner wrote:

AD YEAH wrote:
On the starboard flank of the Resilient of Reach was its partner, the Severitus, an Imperial Endeavour-class light-cruiser especially constructed for body guard purposes for the Resilient of Reach. .

Just wondering, but why is that lonely dot there?

As for the rest: Could you please post some more? I'm quite curious about what's gonna happen next.

i have no idea why there is a dot there xD haha
yeah ill post some more when i finish editing

Perkustin wrote:Some of the language was very interesting and evocative but i can't help but feel it was at the expense of a little coherency. I actually found the story quite hard to follow in all honesty. This may be because you are writing something very large scale, something i would personally only briefly do. However if this was merely an intro to show the epic scale of things i imagine it will be fine, even elegant if we were to join one of the troopers in the transport.

So needs a little work on 'flow' otherwise the language is promising. Will be sure to check for more updates

oh oaky...thanks ill try to work on it more yeahhh
yeah its kind of an intro...

here is some more hope you enjoy, please comment!

Hooked into the internal system via the hydraulic arrestor struts of the command chair, Captain Rohieth Gorth forced down his heart rate evidently slowing down the Resilient of Reach as the engine thrusters died and began to decelerate. Synchronisation mind-impulse cables plugged into his metabolism were hooked into the ancient systems of his vessel with the help of the Adeptus Mechanicus. He could feel every ounce of movement his vessel made, every drop of energy that ran through the ship as well as the reactive response to every thought. He lived and breathed for the vessel as if it were his own.
Gorth was a twenty-five year veteran naval officer who’d been introduced as a junior officer with his first footsteps aboard all those years before. He had piloted and controlled the Resilient of Reach for so long it felt like the natural movement of walking or extending his body in anyway shape or form. Quiet as a ghost, he glanced down into the command chamber below where his several observation officers and navigation directors fixed up course calculations on the crystal clear board in front of them. On a clear board at the side of the room, a projector brought up a crackling green projection of the Dessi system and the nine planets that orbited the bright blue Dessi star at the centre. A handful of men walked around with Data-slate boards in their hands running the latest calculations and organising the necessary command frequencies required to keep the largest vessel in the small splinter fleet operating.
“Approximately 2 hours until we are in range for fleet troop dismemberment, all vessels prepare to make drop” stated an officer into the transmission device in his hands as he added the final touches to the calculations board in front of him.
About time they got out of my fleet, thought Gorth as he quickly thought about all the concerns that had been housed around his fleet since they’d departed five months before. Mutiny, murders, rivalries, you just don’t see that stuff amongst the navy boys like you do with the foot sluggers and steel boys.

Captain Gorth commandeered the 3rd escort party of the Ultima segmentum Ultramatta Imperial fleet. Under the command of Admiral Abanu Horneteus, he’d taken part of the sub-sectors fleet and escorted a large proportion of Imperial Guardsmen to numerous war-zones across the Ultima Segmentum. It was a horrid career of ambushes, warp storms and horrid death traps throughout the last few months travelling across from one sector to the next at the centre of the galaxies universal west. It was to be the last war-zone that they’d been assigned to transport troops to before returning to their fleet almost 200 light years away in the opposite direction that they’d come.
“Sir, we’re picking up another disturbance in the warp” said one of the observers at his forward station.
“A fleet or another false alarm?” he replied in a deep tone as he felt one of the engines jitter and a turret rotate from the depths of his vessel.
“No sir, but it looks to be another vessel”
Another vessel? There hadn’t been any other units heading out to this section of the galaxy since four planets in the area had fallen, but he quickly recalled the other disturbances that had occurred in the last day alone.
“Order the Tybaran on full alert now. How long till they’re out of the warp?”
The observer looked back at his screen, “An hour sir, don’t know how they closed in on us so quickly”

what does everyone think?

Comanded*
Also change horrid for a different word... it had relaitvely little impact.
"A bloody career of ambushes, warp storms and murderuous death traps" or something like that anyway.

thanks. Commandeered came up in spell check :\

well here is most of chapter 1 (from start)
Chapter 1




The war-torn planet of Cairntarius was surrounded by the endless cold darkness of space as heart warming rays of sunlight radiated to the surface. It was all but quiet except for the distant, echoing sound of engines igniting furiously, strained and tired from endless work. Stars twinkled throughout the darkness, each small burst of light almost as inconsiderate as the next. Miraculously in the distance, a dozen sets of bulky lights moved ever so slowly towards the planet like a pod of whales in the deepest of oceans, passing by the gas giants of the system. The large and irregular vessels glided through the darkness staring across the length of space towards the planet and its two spherical organic filled sidekicks that fell into orbit around it. Once upon a time however, the vessels had been involved in one of the largest scaled planetary invasions in the Imperium’s history, the evidential battle scars lined each and every vessel left, right and centre but now they were here. The Imperial navy they were and within half a dozen of these small Imperial vessels, thousands of eager warriors prepared themselves for the heat of battle ahead of them. In precise synchronisation, sirens roared to life and at that very moment, operation Freefall began.


The fleet sent to the salvation of Cairntarius was a mixed force of Imperial Navy vessels and space ships all made in different forge worlds of the Mechanicus tech-priests, the ancient scientific religion of the tech-priests of Mars, the creators and maintainers of the ancient technology that lead to the creation of advanced weaponry and warp transportation centuries before. In the centre of the fleet, dominating every other vessel was the Resilient of Reach, a Retribution class Battleship created by the Adeptus Mechanicus that stood out amongst its smaller family, it looked like a giant Cathedral house floating through space with what looked to be a towering church on top towards its rear. The battleship was easily seven kilometres long from its prow to stern and across its surfaces, a mass of sharp-edged, intimidating twin-linked weaponry traversed in each direction through space, scanning for a target that could come out of the darkness. On either flank, the battleship bore the markings of the two-headed Imperial eagle, the symbol of the Imperium of man. Next to the eagle was the yellow and green insignia of the 211th Ultima Segmentum fleet. Floating next to it on the starboard flank of the Resilient of Reach was its vicious partner, the Severitus, an Imperial Endeavour-class light-cruiser that looked like a long dagger like vessel. It was constructed as the guard vessel for the Resilient of Reach.
At the head point of the small fleet was the small cruiser called the Premicar and at the rear of the fleet was the Tybaran. Around these imperial navy ships swarmed a variety of heavily armoured transports and escort ships that moved around the Resilient of Reach and its allies in no particular motion, moving as if to stay close like a young child looking to its mother for guidance and protection.
One of the armoured transports hovered closely towards the centre of the Imperial fleet, its rare form different to that of every individual transport present. It was a Christus-class armoured transport craft produced over twenty-four centuries previous soon before its production plans and memory of it was all but forgotten. It’s gun-metal coat cut and rusted from hundreds of years in service. It was on board this very armoured transport called the Might of Salvation that housed the Cadian 62nd infantry Regiment, also known as Death Storm.



Hooked into the internal system via the hydraulic arrestor struts of the command chair, Captain Rohieth Gorth forced down his heart rate evidently slowing down the Resilient of Reach as the engine thrusters died and began to decelerate with his easing beat. Synchronisation mind-impulse cables plugged into his metabolism were hooked into the ancient systems of his vessel with the help of the Adeptus Mechanicus. He could feel every ounce of movement his vessel made, every drop of energy that ran through the ship as well as the reactive response to every thought. He lived and breathed for the vessel as if it were his own.
Gorth was a eighty-five year veteran naval officer who’d been introduced as a junior officer with his first footsteps aboard all those years before. He had piloted and controlled the Resilient of Reach for so long it felt like the natural movement of walking or extending his body in anyway shape or form. Quiet as a ghost, he glanced down the steep steps in front of him into the command chamber below where his several observation officers and navigation directors fixed up course calculations on the crystal clear board in front of them, whilst many of the present maintenance men moved through the jungle of intertwining cables that connected all the systems together. On a clear board at the side of the room, a projector brought up a crackling green hazy projection of the Dessi system and the nine planets that orbited the bright blue Dessi star at the centre. A handful of men walked around with Data-slate boards in their hands running the latest calculations and organising the necessary command frequencies required to keep the largest vessel in the small Imperial Navy splinter fleet operating.
“Approximately 2 hours until we are in range for fleets troop disembarking, all vessels prepare to make drop” stated an officer into the transmission device in his hands as he added the final touches to the calculations board in front of him.
About time they got out of my fleet, thought Gorth as he quickly thought about all the concerns that had been housed around his fleet since they’d departed five months before. The Mutiny, murders, rivalries, just don’t see that stuff amongst the navy boys like you do with the Guard.

Captain Gorth commanded the 3rd escort party of the Ultima segmentum Basalta Imperial fleet. Under the command of Admiral Abanu Horneteus, he’d taken part of the sub-sectors fleet and escorted a large proportion of Imperial Guardsmen to numerous war-zones across the Ultima Segmentum for the past six years. It was a bloodied career of ambushes, warp storms and horrid death traps throughout the last few months travelling across from one sector to the next at the centre of the galaxies universal west. It was to be the last war-zone that they’d been assigned to transport troops to before returning to their fleet almost 200 light years away in the opposite direction that they’d come.
“Sir, we’re picking up another disturbance in the warp” said one of the observers at his forward station.
“A fleet or another false alarm?” he replied in a deep tone as he felt one of the engines jitter and a turret rotate from the depths of his vessel.
“No sir, but it looks to be another vessel”
Another vessel? There hadn’t been any other naval units heading out to this section of the galaxy since two systems in the area had fallen, but he quickly recalled the other disturbances that had occurred in the last day alone.
“Order the Tybaran on full alert now. How long exactly till the warp opens?”
The observer looked back at his screen, “Half hour sir, can’t understand how they got too us”

Gorth turned his attention away from the command chamber and peered down into the next room where his navigators and his most trusted astropath sat ideally still in their silver thrones. Thick cables and colour coded wires ran data and information into their torsos and necks form giant data-servers in the back corner of the room that was surrounded by thick vines of power cables and landline servers. The navigators stared at each other, all four of them and quickly discussed courses as well as incoming calls from different fleet units. The naval astropath sat still in his seat. His eyes closed breathing heavily as his great, green robe covered his pale forehead. Gorth knew that the cursed man was blind from the first moment he’d set foot aboard the vessel. It was clear by his perfectly white-globed eyes that had no intentions of holding a coloured pupil. What had it been? Twelve years now?
He watched slowly as the group of navigators egged on the silent astropath, deceiving the potential that sat before them in the small room.
The astropaths body suddenly shook violently in his seat as the final parts of a message were received. He mumbled something sharp under his breath as a bead of sweat rolled down his long, rosy-cheeked face.
The astropath aboard the Resilient of Reach was connected to the ships service boards and was the key communication column when it came to broadcasting to other fleet vessels as well as long range messages to the main fleet and to other locations across the segmentum. His mind was also locked in surveying the area for incoming threats through the heavy warp as well as scanning the data-banks for anything important at the current moment in time. It was one of the hardest jobs in the confinement of the command chamber.
“What did he say?” asked Gorth,
“No idea” replied one of the stressed navigators from his seat as he read off a data slate hovering in front thanks to a cable connected to the side of his head that flashed as he prepared another course to the other side of the system.
“Sir, receiving a message from Admiral Horneteus,” spoke up the Astropath from his quiet low voice,
“What is it?” asked Gorth, then he felt his head begin to hurt as a voice began to speak to his ageing mind. He knew what it was. Only the astropath knew how to penetrate his mind and at the same time send him a message that the rest of the command crew wouldn’t be able to hear.
“Sir” started the invading voice; “Word is that the main fleet was just ambushed in the Tala sector by an unknown enemy. Most of the fleet is gone. Only a few vessels managed to get away”
Gorth felt his heart quickly skip a beat. At the exact same time, he felt the floor shake violently in the process as the Resilient of Reach felt it. He clenched his fists into a ball and felt the veins begin to appear along his forehead.
“How long ago?” he asked,
“The message was sent three weeks ago” replied the astropath
Gorth could feel his skin burning as the eyes of half the crew turned his direction after feeling the machine spirit spasm. He knew what it had come to. He stared out the large blast proof clear window ahead of him. He stared out into the darkness of space, the lights of the allied vessels brightening up the area. Why did it have to come to this? He went through all the likely outcomes that could’ve hit him in the face. He knew he had to make the right decision otherwise this small little part of the main fleet would become extinct, along with an entire Imperial Guard battle group from Segmentum Obscurus. He knew there was only one thing for it.
“All hands on deck!” He shouted in a deep, attention seeking voice. The men stopped and stared at him. “Don’t just stand there! Prepare for combat!”
Within minutes the entire battleship roared to life once more as the battle ready sirens ignited to life. The roars of men echoed through every corridor and every room as the ‘All hands on deck’ order echoed as servitors awoke for the first time in weeks and slowly manned their turrets across the hull of the vessel. A squadron of naval marines charged into the command bridge with shotguns at the ready. At the head of the squadron, a bold officer lead them in, great vertical scars lined his dark, wrinkled skin. He stood to attention before one of the observers at the command table. The table showed a heavy green hologram map of the fleet’s position as it drifted into strike formation.
“All personal accounted for; all defence crews are in position with all stations armed and ready.” Stated the dark officer in military dress, a set of dark glasses covered his heavy face as he stood at ease.
“Thank you Court Vul, report back to your post and ensure that discipline and morale are at its highest amongst those dam lower deckers.” replied the observer before turning away from the man and back to the maps in front of him.

Captain Gorth stared at the men standing around the command deck. The number had grown from seven individual officers on their shift with a suddenly growth to fifteen. He breathed in heavily as he felt the sudden temptation to light a smoke and suck in the biggest puff of smoke possible. It was the first time he’d wanted one in years. The suspense of waiting on an attack from behind was just too great. Men just stood around anxious to see where the enemy was going to come from.
He remembered all the times that the deceased Captain Tyron had faced the unknown of enemy warships when they randomly appeared out of the warp from the rear of the fleet. It had never been good. He looked down towards the astropath who started up at him as if he could feel the fear that spread across his own face.
He felt his mind collapse once more. “They’re here” mumbled the astropath into his mind in a timid tone that made it sound as if he were haunted.

At that exact moment, the ship shook violently with fear as if it had been pounded with artillery fire. He knew it was time. The machine spirit of the Resilient of Reach knew it was time.
He stared quietly out into the darkness of space; the rare vessel of the Might of Salvation caught his eye once more. The humble, odd vessel was hundreds of years old in its making. It was the only vessel to have not reported struggles with its two regimental passengers on board. He’d studied through every single note of which regiments were in his fleet. Most of them were unknowns. Not the ones on the Might of Salvation. He could’ve swarm he’d transported the men of the fighting Cadian 62nd ‘Death Storm’ regiment once upon a time. Maybe it had been a few years or even decades now. It was so long ago from a time so long gone and merely tossed aside in time.


hope its alright...

Sworn not swarm.
Comandeered is a word but it has a different meaning to commanded.

...yeah...still need to edit heaps out O.o
...besides the terrible spelling,,,what you thinK?

It's okay so far...
No real challenges have risen so far...
It'll get much harder as you go on...

sorry...but what do you mean by challengers?

So far there hasn't been anything to really test your writing ability... well not as far as i can see.
There aren't a great many characters so you haven't had to characterise many people.
The plot is in it's first stage so there aren't any twists...which is to be expected.

okay thanks
did you finish it? haha
...dont worry, that whole bits the introduction, the rest of chapter 1 isnt on there yet ...

Sorry I couldn't reply earlier.
I like it, it's very good. I cannot point out any mistakes.

I don't think alot of what purplefood has said has been fair tbh.

I was particularly taken aback by the supreme arrogance of the 'no challenges' statement. I think it is time i payed one of his fiction threads a visit.....

Now aside from purplefoods questionable comments i should really chip in my opinion. Now this is a fairly comprehensive critique, you can take my comments with as a big a pinch of salt as you like, but without sounding arrogant i have been fairly well recieved in dakka fiction.

Firstly what i like:
Sentence structure/paragraphing generally is good, reading it provoked no 'double takes' in my mind. All in all they flow nicely. A couple spelling mistakes but unlike mr writing critic my brain glossed over them.

Dialogue is good, it is not overtly expository and is believable. (as believable as the words of a starship commander could be lol). It is often cinematic and has some good 'beats' (movie script term).

Background knowledge/where you have filled in the blanks is excellent. I literally can't tell if some of the details are established canon or your own creations! The best aspect of the piece imo. Great job!

Things that need work:
Your vocab i'm afraid, it is probably because you are a youngster that you often repeat words within the same sentence. Read more books if you dont already, read the paper etc. For now i would do a good old google theasaurus search if you're struggling. Unfortunately vocab comes with time/age diversity of reading material.

A sub-point of this is your repition of technical terminology. In the fifth paragraph the instances of the word 'cable' and 'data' are excessive to say the least.

Finally where your sentence structure is flawed is where you get bogged down describing a specific scene. It is in these descriptions your sentences sometimes creep into overlong territory. (A curse we share btw!)

So there we are my take on your first chapter, harsh but mostly fair. It is intended to give you a hand rather than crush you. Cant wait to read more!

Perkustin wrote:I don't think alot of what purplefood has said has been fair tbh.

I was particularly taken aback by the supreme arrogance of the 'no challenges' statement. I think it is time i payed one of his fiction threads a visit.....

Now aside from purplefoods questionable comments i should really chip in my opinion. Now this is a fairly comprehensive critique, you can take my comments with as a big a pinch of salt as you like, but without sounding arrogant i have been fairly well recieved in dakka fiction.

Firstly what i like:
Sentence structure/paragraphing generally is good, reading it provoked no 'double takes' in my mind. All in all they flow nicely. A couple spelling mistakes but unlike mr writing critic my brain glossed over them.

Dialogue is good, it is not overtly expository and is believable. (as believable as the words of a starship commander could be lol). It is often cinematic and has some good 'beats' (movie script term).

Background knowledge/where you have filled in the blanks is excellent. I literally can't tell if some of the details are established canon or your own creations! The best aspect of the piece imo. Great job!

Things that need work:
Your vocab i'm afraid, it is probably because you are a youngster that you often repeat words within the same sentence. Read more books if you dont already, read the paper etc. For now i would do a good old google theasaurus search if you're struggling. Unfortunately vocab comes with time/age diversity of reading material.

A sub-point of this is your repition of technical terminology. In the fifth paragraph the instances of the word 'cable' and 'data' are excessive to say the least.

Finally where your sentence structure is flawed is where you get bogged down describing a specific scene. It is in these descriptions your sentences sometimes creep into overlong territory. (A curse we share btw!)

So there we are my take on your first chapter, harsh but mostly fair. It is intended to give you a hand rather than crush you. Cant wait to read more!

Hey i don't think any of my stuff has had any real challenges yet either IMO...
It might just be my view on the genre in general but IMO the start is usually the easiest bit and the later bits get much harder.

The easiest way of expanding your vocabulary if you use Microsoft Word, is finding a simple word that you use often, right-clicking it and checking for synonyms. The repeated use of a word is quite common, especially when it's the only word that fits, so looking up synonyms is a great way of finding new words that you can use to break up a repetitive sentence.

Googling words you use often and looking on thesaurus or dictionary sites (Wiktionary, thefreedictionary, dictionary.com are all good sources) can be just as effective, and unlike MS Word, often come with examples of how to use them.

Let's take this excerpt as an example:
"Within minutes the entire battleship roared to life once more as the battle ready sirens ignited to life. The roars of men echoed through every corridor and every room as the ‘All hands on deck’ order echoed as servitors awoke for the first time in weeks and slowly manned their turrets across the hull of the vessel."

Roar, life, and echo are used twice in quite a short space of time. Ignited is a funny word to use for what it's describing; 'as' is also used twice in quick succession.

First off, lets try and find some synonyms for 'roar' and 'echo'. The battleship roaring to life is fine, as is the echoing through the corridors; the battleship roaring to life amidst the roars of men isn't. A better word than 'roar' for the men would be 'shout', as in "The shouts of men..." You could even have "The cries of men..."

Whilst echo is fine for dealing with corridors and rooms, it can be a boring word. Echoing lends itself more to suspense, inactive scenes, and speech. Reverberate is a more powerful word, and sounds like it fits within an action-packed scene. Whilst you can have the shouts of men echoing, having them reverberating instead creates a stronger sense.

The second usage of 'echo' as the order is given, like the sounds through the corridors, does work, and because you've replaced the echo before it, now flows better as part of the sentence. Since it's also representing speech, echo is a good word to use.

However, we have two instances of something echoing in the same sentence.

A way of fixing this could be describing how the order is given instead of how the order sounds. Instead of having it echo, have it instead being barked through the communications system.

'Life' is also used twice almost right after the other. The battleship roaring to life is a very good image, and I can't fault it. Personification is a great tool to be able to use. However, unlike the siren, the battleship is already online, and so is technically more alive than the siren.

This is why i'd suggest changing the battleship roaring to life into something along the lines of it buzzing with activity. It's still a powerful image, and also allows the sirens to burst to life as a consequence.

Using 'ignited' to represent sirens isn't a very good description. Ignition is generally used to refer to flammable objects or heated conflicts. A gas leak can ignite and create an inferno; an argument can ignite and become violent; a siren can't really make use of the description that 'ignite' provides.

Instead, think about what happens when sirens come on. In some cases, sirens will whine before coming, but they're usually hand cranked. In this case, we want something that suddenly comes on. In a similar vein to 'ignite', we can use 'erupt', but that doesn't really sit well in the sentence; "erupted to life" doesn't roll off the tongue.

Instead, we could use 'burst'. A Siren bursting to life creates a powerful image and really conveys the impact. Unlike 'erupted', it also sounds smooth when spoken. Compare how it sounds when you say "as the battle ready sirens erupted to life" and then "as the battle ready sirens burst to life".

Finally, we come to the use of 'as'. 'As' is a fine word to use when something noteworthy is happening simultaneously, but only really works with two things. Tyres can smoke as the driver hit the gas; lights can come on as the person walked inside; see how 'as' combines two things happening into one sentence? It doesn't really work with three or more.

"The brake lights flickered off as the tyres smoked as the driver hit the gas." Doesn't flow well as a sentence. Replacing the first instance of 'as' with 'and' would be better, not only because it flows better, but also because the two things linked by 'and' are happening as a consequence of the driver hitting the gas.

"The tyres smoked and the driver hit the gas as the brake lights flickered off." Works correctly as a sentence, but the order of the actions do not, as it implies the brake lights flickering off caused the tyres to smoke the driver to hit to gas.

Now we see how 'as' works, we can get to observing its use in your excerpt. The first instance is correct; two actions linked a single as to form a single, coherent sentence. The final two instances of 'as' do not work together; one of them must be removed.

You could remove the first one:
"Within minutes the entire battleship buzzed with activity once more as the battle ready sirens burst to life. The shouts/cries of the men reverberated through every corridor and every room. The "All hands on deck!" order was barked through the communications system as servitors awoke for the first time in weeks and slowly manned their turrets across the hull of the vessel."

Or you could remove the second one:
"Within minutes the entire battleship buzzed with activity once more as the battle ready sirens burst to life. The shouts/cries of the men reverberated through every corridor and every room as the "All hands on deck!" order was barked through the communications system. Servitors awoke for the first time in weeks and slowly manned their turrets across the hull of the vessel."

Both are fine, but one sounds and reads better. Removing the first one creates two short sentences at the start of the paragraph, and creates an overly long one at the end. During action, shorter sentences flow better, but don't over-shorten them.

The second one has a short opening sentence, but instead of a short second and long closing, both the middle sentence and closing sentence of the paragraph are reasonably sized, making for better reading.

The second one also links the cries of men reacting to the barking of the order, as opposed to the men shouting before the order is barked, at which point the servitors react. It could be seen as a minor issue, but it really makes a difference when you read it. Small things like that are what separate novice writers from more experienced ones, who appreciate how continuity can affect their writing.

Now, these are just my opinions. People may agree with me, people may disagree (and are welcome to as long as they provide their reasons why).

What I will end with is a note that disagreeing with someone doesn't mean they're wrong. Perkustin disagrees with what Purplefood says, but that doesn't necessarily make Purplefood wrong, it just means that Perkustin has a differing opinion, and that is what critique revolves around; opinions. Ultimately, only you can choose what to take into account, but don't ignore something because someone else disagrees with it; read it any way and form your own opinions about it.

Seriously guys, thanks for everything! i'm currently re-editing, 3rd or 4th time now...not to sure :L haha! i've taken everything in, even from my school librarian, (yes still in high school!!!! year 11)
but thanks, the positives are even more encouraging than the negatives.

I was thinking about re-arranging the paragraphs at the start so it could start like this...
(copy and pasted from this forum)


Hooked into the internal system via the hydraulic arrestor struts of the command chair, Captain Rohieth Gorth forced down his heart rate evidently slowing down the Resilient of Reach as the engine thrusters died and began to decelerate with his easing beat. Synchronisation mind-impulse cables plugged into his metabolism were hooked into the ancient systems of his vessel with the help of the Adeptus Mechanicus. He could feel every ounce of movement his vessel made, every drop of energy that ran through the ship as well as the reactive response to every thought. He lived and breathed for the vessel as if it were his own.
Gorth was a eighty-five year veteran naval officer who’d been introduced as a junior officer with his first footsteps aboard all those years before. He had piloted and controlled the Resilient of Reach for so long it felt like the natural movement of walking or extending his body in anyway shape or form. Quiet as a ghost, he glanced down the steep steps in front of him into the command chamber below where his several observation officers and navigation directors fixed up course calculations on the crystal clear board in front of them, whilst many of the present maintenance men moved through the jungle of intertwining cables that connected all the systems together. On a clear board at the side of the room, a projector brought up a crackling green hazy projection of the Dessi system and the nine planets that orbited the bright blue Dessi star at the centre. A handful of men walked around with Data-slate boards in their hands running the latest calculations and organising the necessary command frequencies required to keep the largest vessel in the small Imperial Navy splinter fleet operating.
“Approximately 2 hours until we are in range for fleets troop disembarking, all vessels prepare to make drop” stated an officer into the transmission device in his hands as he added the final touches to the calculations board in front of him.
About time they got out of my fleet, thought Gorth as he quickly thought about all the concerns that had been housed around his fleet since they’d departed five months before. The Mutiny, murders, rivalries, just don’t see that stuff amongst the navy boys like you do with the Guard.


The war-torn planet of Cairntarius was surrounded by the endless cold darkness of space as heart warming rays of sunlight radiated to the surface. It was all but quiet except for the distant, echoing sound of engines igniting furiously, strained and tired from endless work. Stars twinkled throughout the darkness, each small burst of light almost as inconsiderate as the next. Miraculously in the distance, a dozen sets of bulky lights moved ever so slowly towards the planet like a pod of whales in the deepest of oceans, passing by the gas giants of the system. The large and irregular vessels glided through the darkness staring across the length of space towards the planet and its two spherical organic filled sidekicks that fell into orbit around it. Once upon a time however, the vessels had been involved in one of the largest scaled planetary invasions in the Imperium’s history, the evidential battle scars lined each and every vessel left, right and centre but now they were here. The Imperial navy they were and within half a dozen of these small Imperial vessels, thousands of eager warriors prepared themselves for the heat of battle ahead of them. In precise synchronisation, sirens roared to life and at that very moment, operation Freefall began.


The fleet sent to the salvation of Cairntarius was a mixed force of Imperial Navy vessels and space ships all made in different forge worlds of the Mechanicus tech-priests, the ancient scientific religion of the tech-priests of Mars, the creators and maintainers of the ancient technology that lead to the creation of advanced weaponry and warp transportation centuries before. In the centre of the fleet, dominating every other vessel was the Resilient of Reach, a Retribution class Battleship created by the Adeptus Mechanicus that stood out amongst its smaller family, it looked like a giant Cathedral house floating through space with what looked to be a towering church on top towards its rear. The battleship was easily seven kilometres long from its prow to stern and across its surfaces, a mass of sharp-edged, intimidating twin-linked weaponry traversed in each direction through space, scanning for a target that could come out of the darkness. On either flank, the battleship bore the markings of the two-headed Imperial eagle, the symbol of the Imperium of man. Next to the eagle was the yellow and green insignia of the 211th Ultima Segmentum fleet. Floating next to it on the starboard flank of the Resilient of Reach was its vicious partner, the Severitus, an Imperial Endeavour-class light-cruiser that looked like a long dagger like vessel. It was constructed as the guard vessel for the Resilient of Reach.
At the head point of the small fleet was the small cruiser called the Premicar and at the rear of the fleet was the Tybaran. Around these imperial navy ships swarmed a variety of heavily armoured transports and escort ships that moved around the Resilient of Reach and its allies in no particular motion, moving as if to stay close like a young child looking to its mother for guidance and protection.
One of the armoured transports hovered closely towards the centre of the Imperial fleet, its rare form different to that of every individual transport present. It was a Christus-class armoured transport craft produced over twenty-four centuries previous soon before its production plans and memory of it was all but forgotten. It’s gun-metal coat cut and rusted from hundreds of years in service. It was on board this very armoured transport called the Might of Salvation that housed the Cadian 62nd infantry Regiment, also known as Death Storm.


haha! does it sound alright?