Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Prologue

Deraketh the strong is no mere mortal. Deraketh is a space wolf, but no ordinary space wolf; he is a wolf lord, leader of his company. Deraketh’s terminator armor is adorned with a massive wolf pelt, talismans, fangs and golden honor marks. Standing a head taller than any other space marine in the Imperium his presence can make a lesser man cower away from his bulk. His power sword glitters with the energy within; the blade never dulls and never breaks. This blade is engraved with the runes of power and strength increasing his already formidable bulk. His storm bolter is marked in his name and has greater accuracy than any other; Deraketh never admits it is not the bolter but he himself aiming, he also altered it to hold more ammo than another of its kind. This combination of bolter and blade with Deraketh’s quick wit has made him the best warrior in the Imperium. If you are honored enough to meet him you will notice he is silent and always hears what you say no matter how low of a whisper it is. It is not his words that made him a lord but his tactical prowess and his ability to oppose any foe and emerge victorious. You may wonder why he is then not the great wolf, this is because he has denied the offer twice which was unheard of ever to have happened before yet he has done it twice. This story will explain to you the life and trials which earned Deraketh the Strong his title and honor.
Deraketh’s story begins with the nomadic tribe known as the Wolf Tooth tribe. He was born a very large baby and his mother died when he was 8 years old, he was raised by his father who lived for war and thrust a blade in his hand as soon as he could walk. His father trained Deraketh until he was in his death bed and then still reminded him of his techniques. After his father’s death Deraketh advanced to military commander in the tribe, he led his tribe to many victories over the next few years; one of his most noticeable battles was the battle of White Pass…
“Archers to the ridge and wait for my signal, spearmen to the front lines, shields up!” the men rush to obey the commander; their rival tribe the Bear Claws were marching through the pass now but the snow was too thick to see through, allowing them the element of surprise. The scouts estimated a few hours until their arrival enough for the plan to work. The whistle from a scout signals silence and the trap is set. Deraketh strides to stand at the front of the ambushing spearmen. Silhouettes of the enemy appear in the dense snowfall and slowly approach, with years of experience the men keep calm as they get closer making no noise. The silence was broken only by a whistle. Halted in their tracks by the sudden noise the Claws were unprepared for what happened next. Springing from their position on the ridge a loud cry followed by the twang of bows is stifled only by the screams that followed as the arrows found their marks. Then the fun began the spearmen broke cover and ran at their now dazed and wounded enemy. Deraketh led the charge and broke the wavering ranks with a swing of his mighty great sword; he cleaved a man in half and with the reverse swing beheads another, followed through by a third strike slaying two more. The Claws recovering to late, break and run the way they came and into the waiting spears of the rest of the battle force, there were no survivors. Upon searching the battle field the men reported no losses. Hearing this the tribe chieftain awards Deraketh with the highest honor possible, the shield of Drakenir the tribe founder, made entirely of steel it is blessed by the most potent shaman to give the bearer strength in battle and demands that it be carried by no other than that who is worthy of the honor. The entire tribe gathered to see if he would be rejected few doubted that he would, but still everyone watched to see what would happen. Approaching the altar upon which the shield sat, he grasped the shield with both hands and lifted it, with no resistance he buckled it to his arm and raised it above his head with a mighty bellow, the crowd cheered vigorously because the shield had not been wielded for 6 generations.
… From then on Deraketh was given the title Deraketh the strong.

Chapter 1

For all of Deraketh’s power and cunning he was still human and as such had his flaws, he suffered from rage that he could barely control, when most would be angry he wanted blood, when most would fight with fists he drew swords, his anger was a beast no man could control, and no man knew what would trigger him. This flaw held him back from his true potential of being the great chief of his tribe, for even with all his honor and achievement not a single tribesmen wanted to be led by a loose cannon with the only exception being war. War was the only place that Deraketh could be trusted in fact when he wasn’t fighting he was generally avoided by all. This is why he was selected to join our ranks as a Space Wolf….
After one particularly bloody battle with the broken bodies of men strewn across the field Deraketh stood muttering a prayer to the gods for his fallen brethren. His most trusted ally and friend Caimes was at his shoulder as always, Caimes was shorter than Deraketh by six inches and not quite as wide but was a renowned bowman, it is said he could hit the center of a target from one-hundred yards away a feat he neither confirms nor denies. Both Caimes and Deraketh were near inseparable, many thought Caimes a mad man for staying so near to a raging animal of a man but they were bond brothers and for all of Deraketh’s anger he will never strike him down. The bond that binds them is one made when they joined the tribes fighting force; they vowed to follow each other to the gates of hell, to fight side by side until death, and to never turn on each other in greed or hate. Today was no different and as they finished their prayers and looked up they clasped gauntlets and nodded to each other congratulations on a hard battle fought and won. “You fought well brother, shall we find some ale?” asks Caimes but Deraketh is staring over his shoulder. When he turns he sees it too. 50 yards away stands a large figure in black armor. Gasps arise from the men. This man’s face is instead a skull from a wolf and as he approaches his size is more noticeable he is huge, Deraketh is the largest man on the field and is still small compared to this newcomer. All know what his appearance means, one of them may be selected to join him and become men of true greatness. Deraketh barks an order and the men formed into ranks by now the newcomer was upon them and standing silently. Without a word the newcomer walked through their ranks he signaled two that they need to follow him then returns to Deraketh and Caimes where beckons both of them, silently they both follow him, as the follow him a dying man reaches out and tries to clutch at the man’s boot he responds by snatching him up an throwing him over his shoulder.
After walking for what felt like hours they reach an enormous metal thing, as they approach a rectangle opens in the side with a hiss. The man walks in and sets the wounded soldier on a bench and straps him in and indicates to the others to do the same then leaves the room. The men follow his instructions but find it difficult to work the straps. Once they finally get the belts on the man returns and binds the dying mans wounds. Then leaves once again this time though a loud rumbling comes from the floor that startles everyone, the smallest man there whimpers and squirms in his seat but stops when he sees that everyone is staring. All of sudden the rumbling grows louder until there is a lurch and they are airborne. The skimmer races towards the fang with its newest recruits.

First off, you really need to add in some line breaks. The massive wall of text in neither inviting, nor pleasing to the eye. Don't be afraid to start new paragraphs with a good solid line break in between.

The character Deraketh comes off too awesome and over the top, in my opinion. I understand that space marines are badass super warriors, but this guy is just too awesome in such a short amount of time. If you introduced his qualities throughout a narrative of his battles and history, it would make more sense. Starting it off by giving him the best wargear, making him an awesome Wolf Lord and having turned down two offers to become the Great Wolf does not really endear him to the reader. It just sounds like you want to make some over the top badass character for your custom space wolf company.

Finally, in the first chapter, you explain at the start that he was not a good leader because of his rage. Why would he then go on to become one of the best leaders in the Space Wolves? Wouldn't the training and indoctrination of the Space Wolves only foster such a tendency further? If you're going to give him a flaw, its best to to stick with it to give the character some depth and personality.

Oh, and watch out for run-on sentences. Don't be afraid to break them down into smaller sentences, or use commas. Sentences like this one,

"Without a word the newcomer walked through their ranks he signaled two that they need to follow him then returns to Deraketh and Caimes where beckons both of them, silently they both follow him, as the follow him a dying man reaches out and tries to clutch at the man’s boot he responds by snatching him up an throwing him over his shoulder."

could be broken down into two or three sentences and given more descriptions.

Food for thought.

Thanks for the feedback it really helps I'm sure that my grammar will improve as the story progresses as for story telling you are right I am confusing and i hope to fix that and show you how Deraketh became what he is.