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Now, gather around youngin's and hear the tale of Commissar Bart. I can garantee 100% that all of this story is true, as I saw the whole thing with my very own eyes.

I was in the 16th or maybe 61st Cadian Regiment, but we weren't exactily fighting on Cadia. Ya see, there's a sayin': "Every planet in the galaxy has had at least a couple thousand Cadians die on it." Now that's true as the Throne is gold, that's fer sure. We were on Issix II, a planet somewer in the Ultima Segmenatum. The dang ol' Planetary Governor, a man by the name of Rex Dexter, had declared that he seceded from the Imperium because it was, ahem, "A society built upon lies upon lies iced with lies and sprinkled with lies" or somethin equally stupid. It seems like to become a Planetary Governor you hafta be slowed, that's fer sure. Ah well, they all get what's a-commin' to 'em.

So, me and my regiment got sent out to the planet to knock some sense into the good Governor and maybe kill 'em too, cuz, as the good Commissar Bart would say, "A heretic is a heretic no matter how small." The Warmaster Horfus probably started out as a heretical Planetary Governor or somethin', I guess they all do. We fly out there and dock all our big ships and spend a couple months just bombing the capital city. However, the city's got a big, dang ol' force shield they bought from some Tau. The Warmaster Horfus probably dealed with the Tau too. They all do. After a couple weeks, it becam clear that we wouldn't get thru this way.

Then, well, then Commissar Bart found somethin amazing. Ya see, Rex Dexter had built a big underground tunnel that he used to sneaks Tau goods in without the Arbites or Inqistors noticing. They were wide enough for a Crassus Armored Assault Transport, not that we had any, and tall enuf for a Valkyrie to swoop in, not that we had any. Ya see, Commissar Bart had down something to get Commander Creed's panties in a bunch and as a result we were only allowed the equipment that the other Regiments didn't want. That's probably why the artillery didn't work so good in destroying the shield. Ah well, ya live and ya learn.

So, naturally, we started drivin' in with our broken Chimeras and Sentinels. After about five seconds or so, the enemy found us and they started a-blastin' with big guns that shot blue blasts, probably from the Tau. Now, we were droppin' like flies. I saw man's armor melt and flesh burn and lemme tell ya, he sure smelled. STOP INTERRUPTING ME YOUNGIN, ILL CLUB YER HEAD IN WITH MY VERY OWN LASGUN! SHUD UP! YEAH, SHUD UP! Anyways, it was crazy. Everyone was dying and whole tunnel was on fire. You couldn't hear anythin' over the screams of the dead and the dyin'. By Throne, it was the fourth worst thing I've ever seen in my life, right up there with Aunt Suzie's wedding and the 11th Black Crusade. I tripped over a body and decided to keep layin' there, cuz if I looked dead they might shoot at me less.

But then, over all the screams and explosions and roaring engines and steaming guns, I hear Commissar Bart's voice loud and clear. "Listen up you cowards!" he shouted, accentuating his point with plasma fire into a crowd of fleeing Guardsmen. "If you don't start charging right now, by the Emperor's throne, I'll slit open your bellies and hang you with your own intestines!" Then he pulled out his big ol' power sword. "I had this sharpened just yesterday you know, I mean it! Now chaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!" So I stood up, and so did a bunch of other people pretending to be dead, and all the cowards changed directions and all the heavy weapon squads put down their guns and pulled out their knives and then everybody started charging right into the big blue blaster fire.

It didn't work too well. Those guns were spefically meant to kill poorly armored crowds, and I guess that was what we was. Even more bodies were piling up then I thought possible, and pretty soon there was a big wall of smokin' corpses blocking off the tunnel. So we tried to climb ovah it but it was just too tall and some people tried worming through it but it was just too thick and they usually got stuck. Then Commissar Bart comes strollin' up and he takes a long steady look at the wall and he says, in his big scary voice, "How many of the Chimeras are outfitted with plows?"

"Five sir," I answered, cuz everyun else was too scared to talk. I later learned that Commissar Bart in fact was diagnosed by a Doctor as having an itchy trigger finger as a result of a fungal infection, so people liked to stay as far away as possible from 'em when he was holding that dang ol' plasma pistol of his. In fact, it turned out that he had once executed an entire platoon by accident while supervising the possibly heretical crew of an orbital bombardment station. "But only one still works."

He paused and rubbed his brow with his hand and got blood all over his head cuz his hand was all bloody from executing people. SHUD UP YOUNGIN', IM TALKING! But Commissar Bart didn't notice cause he was used to blood after being caught in the blood tsunami of the 7th Black Crusade when all those Berzerkers massacred that orphanage for disadvantaged kittens. Then he says, "All right, bring that Chimera over here and plow it into the wall. We're going to push it forward until we crush the enemy with our own corpses."

And that's just what we did. So, after awhile of pushing the big blue blasta fire starts up again becuz I guess the enemies figered out what we were doing. Pretty soon all the dead were on fire and some were starting to fall apart and disintergrate and what-not, so Commissar Bart yells, "Push faster before all the corpses are gone!" The driver puts the engine on full overdrive and then we start hearing screams along with the big blue blasta fire. But then we start seeing holes in the wall of corpses until finally it just falls apart and we see that the plow only got half way through the enemy formation and now we're back out in the open without any cover or what-not. SHUD UP! ALRIGHT, THATS IT!

Okay, now that that's over wif, I can get back to the story. Everyone's getting blowed up again and no one wants to make another wall of corpses cuz all the dumb people who stood in front are dead and now everyone's just hiding behind tanks and stuff. Then, Commissar Bart yells, "Everyone, follow my lead!" And he charges out into the open, screamin' like a bat outta the warp. The enemies got all spooked by his craziness and I guess we all got motivated cuz pretty soon we were following him. Now, the history books call this, the 2nd Charge of Commissar Bart and you'll probly hear about later in boot camp when they talk about all Cadia's victories.

We overran the first wave of turrets and started shooting and stabbin' all the heretics up. I impaled one on my bayonet and then I pulled the trigger till he was just a pile of ash with a bayonet in him. While, only a small part of his chest was actually ash, the rest of him was still intact. But the important thing was that he was dead and I had killed my very first heretic. And we kept runnin and runnin and runnin because Commissar Bart kept screaming so loud that we couldn't really hear ourselves fink. I would later learn that he had a bionic throat implant that let him yell louder and that might be why Commander Creed didn't like him because he yelled a lot. But that's only guess work and really, a guess makes and Gnu and an Ess out of both of us, heh. Commissar Bart told me that at boot camp and I guess it was a lot funnier then than it is now.

But then Commissar Bart stopped screaming and I looked and he'd been stabbed in the throat by none other than Dex Rexter himself, the treacherous Planetary Governor. Now, I've seen that picture of the Warmaster Horfus, and he looks just like him. Rex Dexter was bald and fat and short, with ugly lime green carapace armor and a big long handlebar mustache that glistened with hairgel, just like the Warmaster Horfus. Lemme tell ya, it was downright scary. And everyone thought that Commissar Bart was dead, since he'd been impaled in the throat region by a lil knife. But Commissar Bart's itchy trigger finger went off and the plasma pistol overheated and exploded and it lit him and Dex Rexter on fire. They ran around in flames, Rex Dexter screaming and Commissar Bart silent. Some say it was cuz of the knife in his throat, but I know it was becuz he was so tough that he probably couldn't even feel it.

And Commissar Bart ran into the enemy line, growling and bristling, still on fire. One of the big blue blastas shot at him and blew his leg off so he kept hoping on one leg, still crazy as a bat outta the warp. Everyone starting cheering and following him and everyone was getting shot. Commissar Bart kept on going and going. Some heretics say he was just going forward cuz he was crazy cuz he was on fire and that would be true for a lesser man, but not for Commissar Bart. I knew he was doin' it on purpose and don't you doubt me or you'll be a heretic. Then Commissar Bart made the bravest sacrifice of all. He hoped into a pile of ammunition, still flaming and exploded all the turrets and all the heretics. Everyone in the regiment who survived the battle was blinded by that explosion, including myself. A couple people were deafened too, but not me, cuz I had my helmet pulled tight over my head and ears. So remembah to wear your helmet. If they give you goggles, remembah to wear them too. Being able to still see would be helpful in the next few battles after that.

Now, heretics say that Commissar Bart was blind cuz his face was on fire and his eyeballs were melting, and that he couldn't of known that he was running into the ammo. But I know the Emprah guided his vision and he knew that he was going in there to sacrifice himself to save the planet. And that's why, on every fourth Sigillite day we also have Commissar Bart day, to honor the sacrifice of Commissar Bart. Now unforntunately the explosion caved in the tunnel and we wer never able to get into the shield city, but what matters is that we served the Emprah and we did a damn good job.

Hahaha. Brilliant piece of work. Really loved it. Commissar Bart what a name. Cho-koco-nouw. Sounds almost like something you can make a song out of.

Loved it mate, hailarious as hell ^^

That was hilarious! I started to really crack up on the "a heretic's a heretic, no matter how small" bit. That was great.

Thanks for the comments, they're much appreciated. Without them I wouldn't be motivated to post this stuff on Dakka.

Hahahahaha great stuff as always lonelictor

One of the funniest things I've read in a while!

I had a good laugh, very well written!