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This is a story about recruits in the 40k setting, please feel free to leave good or bad commentary.

Chapter 1

How much venom was the question in Kenar’s head as he sucked as hard as he could on his arm? He quickly applied the anti-venom that was found in his backpack knowing that it was his only chance of survival. He nearly passed out when he took a closer look at the massive headless snake whose body continued to twitch even in death. There was no confirmation needed from his booklet, he knew without a doubt that it was the Deji, the most poisonous snake on the planet. He remembered reading its description, “The Deji’s paralyzing venom slowly paralyzes your limbs until finally you slip into a coma and either your lungs or heart submits to its grasp. Dejis kills the most recruits second only to the legendary Xelans”.

To survive he would have to suffer temporary paralysis. His only chance of living was to stay above ground away from Xavier’s other predators. With that thought in mind he started to climb one of the massive rainforest trees; by the time he found a comfortable branch he had lost feeling in his fingers. He pulled an Aquila from his bag which had taken him two weeks to find in this jungle covered hell hole. The only thing that separated him from becoming a recruit of the Undaunted Predator’s Chapter was surviving the Deji’s bite and taking the Aquila to one of their Keeps.

His arm lost all feeling as he thought about how close he was. Using his other arm he placed his paralyzed arm and his Aquila in his lap. While losing feeling in his left hand, he grabbed a picture of his family out of his bag and placed it in his lap. The picture of his big brother, his little sister, and ailing mother had been his motivation throughout this trial and he needed it now more than ever. If he could make it to the Keep they would allow him to visit his family. During this visit he could use his new status to help his family financially and provide his mother with proper treatment for her illness.

Kenar could not feel or move any part of his body as he stared at his picture. All Kenar could think about is that his older brother would probably be at one of the Keeps by now. Everyone knew that Zar has what it takes to become an Undaunted Predator. He is faster, stronger, and smarter than anyone near his age, but he refused to participate in the trial choosing to help take care of the family instead. Kenar’s head collapsed as he lost control of his neck muscles, his eye lids closed no longer able to control them. Tears started to roll down his cheeks as reality settled in, he had let his family down and would die a failure.

The sounds of the jungle were comforting for once as it was the only sign that he was still alive. He believed he was starting to go delusional when he heard his sister’s innocent voice ask, “What are you doing?”

“How did you get here?” he responded.

“Are you crying?” his older brother Zar joined the conversation in a mocking tone.

“Yes, I mean no, how did you get here?” Kenar said, puzzled by his siblings arrival.

“Why are you crying?” his older brother asked sarcastically.

“Because” Kenar said in stern voice trying to hide his true feelings from his older brother, he could not admit to failure to his idle even if he was a figment of his imagination.

“Because what?” his little sister Adalyne asked.

I will not say it; I can’t let my family down let alone tell them as he tried with all his might to move.

“Why are you crying?” his brother asked again.

“I want to see you, Adalyne, and Mom again”, he said holding back tears. “I WANT TO BE AN ASTARTES” he yelled, surprising himself as he realized that he actually managed to make a sound despite his current state.

“Then get up”, Adalyne and Zar said at the same time, their words giving him strength.

“Get up” their voices echoing in his head not allowing him time to slip into a coma. They repeated the same message over and over again for several hours until finally Kenar could feel rain on his face. Rain had never felted so good as he opened his eyes to the sight of his Aquila. He wanted to move, he wanted to shout, he wanted to do so much but the only thing he could do was mumble, “The Emperor Protects”.

It's a good write by all means, but you emphasis how poisonous the snake is, yet it seems almost harmless. I would have changed the first part to the chap not being able to move and having another guy (preferably a medic) take care of him administering the antidote.

I hope for more BTW as I'm really curious about the Xelans.

In the next chapter you will get to see more of how the venom effects him. He has open his eyes but he is still paralyzed and trying to fight off its effect.

Sounds nice to me, looking forward to it.

Also your avatar is really irritating, but that's on a totally unrelated issue.

How dare you insult Kenpachi?

Maybe you like this one better, huge Kenpachi fan. Anyway I am in the 3rd or 4th Chapter of First Action and I did not know commissars were such butt holes. I read your story in between writing mine keep up the good work.

That one is far better, the last one was seizure-iducing.

Thanks, and yeah they literally gets away with murder while not being punished.

After looking at my friends Benny Badmen relentless effort, I have decided to put forth more effort and write more! I made this back in 2012 do you guys think I should continue it?